Slut! Slut! Grow up! Slut! Grow up! Nah! (SHRIEKS) My son is miserable. A cheque to cover two round-the-world tickets. Wow. Wow. I'm not going. You need to go. See ya. See ya. See ya. Thanks for having me. Thanks for having me. Yeah. You too. She's gone. She's gone. Ta. She's gone. Ta. What was that one's name? Uh, that one was... Sally. No. Kelly? No. Don't know. It's not working, Az. It's not working, Az. Huh? It's not working, Az. Huh? Last night. It didn't work. Shit. Too much to drink? Shit. Too much to drink? Not that. I still feel like... It's early days. Remember, it took you six roots to get over Yvette. Just trust the process, bro. I'm going back to bed. I'm going back to bed. I thought you had work today. I'm going back to bed. I thought you had work today. Oh... shit! Guess it's a happy day, right? I just don't get why it had to happen so fast. Make me feel better. Tell me about you and Dave. How will that make you feel better? How will that make you feel better? Cos my life's not as bad as yours. How will that make you feel better? Cos my life's not as bad as yours. Oh, thanks for that (!) So, he still hasn't called you? So, he still hasn't called you? Nope. He picked up his stuff on Monday when I was at work. And then... nothing. Moved on, I guess. Moved on? It's only been a week. Cara. Don't you remember what it was like to be 24? When I was 24, I was pregnant and engaged to be married. Now... alone. Oh crap. Here goes. Who's the best man? Who's the best man? Some random. It's his cousin. But the point is I should have been best man. Right. Right. But Alec said no; wanted things to be traditional. I will be patient. I will be tolerant. I will love you and only you for the rest of our lives. Until one of us kicks the bucket. Until one of us kicks the bucket. LAUGHTER Vom. Vom. Bags not me first. Vom. Bags not me first. Nice. I bet you he means it. Dylan, do you take Alec to be your legally wedded husband? I do. I do. And do you, Alec, take Dylan to be your legally wedded husband? I do. I do. I now pronounce you legally married. You may kiss. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Which way to the booze? Are you sure you're OK? 'Course I am. I'll go see if the grooms need a drink. Excuse me. Thank you. Shit! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKS) LOUD CLATTERING Sorry! (SIGHS) Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here? (SIGHS) Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here? I didn't know. Shit. Hi. Hi. Hi! Hello. Hello. Hey. I'm temping. (CHUCKLES) I had no idea this was Dylan's wedding I was working. ALL CHUCKLE So, uh, no more accounting job for you, then? So, uh, no more accounting job for you, then? Nah. Oh. Well,... I'm gonna go... away... from you two. How are you? How are you? Good. You? You? Yeah. Sweet. (CHUCKLES) Not bad at all. Quite good. Not bad at all. Quite good. Great. You didn't want to go back to The Playground? You didn't want to go back to The Playground? Nah. No point, really. Me and Az are taking off on Sunday. Taking off? Taking off? Bali. And then Singapore and then off to see Mum in Malaysia and then on to Europe and then... Yeah. Of course. The big OE. You're doing it? You told me to. Well, I mean... Well, you know, it's... a rite of passage, isn't it? a rite of passage, isn't it? Well, have a... good trip. We will. We're both psyched ` totally psyched. So... You think I'll need this? You think I'll need this? Pretty sure they have soap in other countries. Razor. Yes. Shaving foam. Yes. Bin. Bin. Why? Because` Because` Are you planning on being unsafe while you're away? What, you want me to wait for you or something? What, you want me to wait for you or something? Do you want to wait for me? Nobody likes waiting for anything. Nobody likes waiting for anything. So... I take these? I take these? Sure. Feels strange with you watching. Feels strange with you watching. Douchebag. I'll cover my eyes. I can't do it. If it makes you feel better, we can split them. OK, there's seven. Who gets four, and who gets three? I know ` we'll make it three each, and we can share this one. How do we share a condom? Ah. Right. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, GUESTS CHAT INDISTINCTLY MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING Jen, I need to leave. Jen, I need to leave. With Dave! No, not with Dave. I just want to go home, Jen. No, not with Dave. I just want to go home, Jen. No. Dave's leaving the country. Yes, I know he said he should. But I didn't think it was gonna happen so soon. Well, the sooner, the better ` then you don't have to watch him flirting with hos. What? I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. No, you don't! Andrew. Andrew. Two can play this game. Two can play this game. What game? Two can play this game. What game? Cara, Andrew. Andrew, Cara. Cara's ex-boyfriend is over there slutting himself. Can you deal with? Cara's ex-boyfriend is over there slutting himself. Can you deal with? Sure. This really isn't necessary. Shit. Shit. What's up? Shit. What's up? It's my ex on the dance floor. The guy dancing with that older lady? The guy dancing with that older lady? No! The` older lady. The woman. Cara. She's my ex. How long ago did you split? Eight days. Why is she letting that gay guy grab her arse? I really appreciate the offer, and you're putting on a very good performance, but, um, I don't` Don't worry, babes. Have a great night, you two. Have a great night, you two. Thanks, hon. Really, Cara? I'm going. So, were they pronounced husband and husband? They were pronounced married. They were pronounced married. And who walked up the aisle? Who was the bride? Well, there was no bride, obviously. It was a perfectly normal wedding. Well, there was no bride, obviously. It was a perfectly normal wedding. Honestly, what is the point? Julia, get with the 21st century. It's not homophobic to find the whole thing silly. In fact, it's the opposite. How so? Well, marriage is an archaic ritual. Why would the gays want it? Isn't being gay all about partying and having the freedom to do whatever you want? Some people find committing themselves to the person they love fulfilment enough. I'm sure the boys will be very happy. Would you like a top-up, honey? Sure. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. As long as you had a good time. I didn't, really. Dave was there. They invited Dave? That was insensitive. That was insensitive. They didn't invite him. He was working the bar. Oh God. (CHUCKLES) That must have been humiliating for you. (CHUCKLES) That must have been humiliating for you. For me? You were a guest at a function, and your ex-boyfriend was the hired help! (LAUGHS) Are you OK? Are you OK? Of course she is. Now, do you remember Martin, with the bach at Omaha and the amphibious boat? with the bach at Omaha and the amphibious boat? No. They're worth 80 grand, those things. And he's single. Jules. Jules. Julia, no. It's too soon. Cara. Cara. And remember what happened last time you tried to match-make for Cara? Look, all I am saying is do you think a 24-year-old barman would be sitting around moping? He's not. He's going overseas. Ah, the big OE. We all do them. I never did. You've never been anywhere. You've never been anywhere. It's a good thing that he's going away. That's why I told him to go. He should be off having adventures. He should be off having adventures. Exactly. So I have no right ` none ` to begrudge him his happiness. None. I should let him know that I'm happy for him. I should let him know that I'm happy for him. Ah, send him a text message. (EXHALES) Hi, Azza. Dave! Dave. What?! Hey. Hey. Hey... Sorry to wake you up. That's OK. That's OK. I should have known. You probably worked late last night. I just wanted to say goodbye and wish you well. (CHUCKLES) Morning. Morning. Morning. My taxi's outside, so I'm just gonna... See ya. See ya. Bye. See ya. Bye. DOOR OPENS, CLOSES > Anyway, um,... happy voyage. Um, yeah, bon voyage. Take care. Cara, wait! DOWNBEAT MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES (EXHALES) Slut! 1 I've been thinking about it, and it's like Gremlins. I've been thinking about it, and it's like Gremlins. Huh? That old movie. The three rules of Mogwai ` no food after midnight, no getting wet, no bright lights. Break the rules, disaster. Break the rules, disaster. Huh? 'No food' as in no meals with the person you're banging, cos that would be a date. 'No getting wet' means no showering. You're there to use their bedroom, not bathroom. You're there to use their bedroom, not bathroom. And the bright lights? No going out together during the day. If we follow the rules of Mogwai, we could probably get back together when you come home. If you come home. If you come home. I'm coming home. Not if you have a horrible ice skating accident in Sweden. Not if you have a horrible ice skating accident in Sweden. I don't ice skate. You shouldn't. I had a very vivid series of dreams. Betty, I know you're finding this tough. Just say the word, and I'll stay. What? I love you. I'm pretty sure you love me too. Just say the word. I won't go anywhere. Are you gonna say the word? Are you gonna say the word? Is the word 'chickenshit'? Are you gonna say the word? Is the word 'chickenshit'? That's two words. Where are you going? Where are you going? Gotta go see Cara. Why? She got the wrong idea this morning. She got the wrong idea this morning. She thought you slept with a random waitress. Yeah. Yeah. How is that the wrong idea? I hurt her feelings, and I need to say sorry. I hurt her feelings, and I need to say sorry. Don't do this, Dave. Do what? See her. It'll be back on, and me and you won't go anywhere. See her. It'll be back on, and me and you won't go anywhere. Bullshit. She'll say the word. You won't go. She'll say the word. You won't go. I'm not that much of a pussy. She'll say the word. You won't go. I'm not that much of a pussy. Exactly. You want to get back with her. Why else would you go to her house? You want to get back with her. Why else would you go to her house? Cos I'm a grown-up, and that's the mature thing to do. What are you doing? What are you doing? You're not going to Cara's! Aah! (GROANS) Azza! What the shit?! Azza! What the shit?! Betty, get the handcuffs! Azza! What the shit?! Betty, get the handcuffs! Roger that. You have handcuffs? You have handcuffs? What of it? You have handcuffs? What of it? Oh. DOOR CLOSES DOOR CLOSES Only me. DOOR CLOSES Only me. You're late. We don't have any clients. We don't have any clients. No, but we have prep which you could have been doing. Why are you being so mean? Why are you being so mean? I'm not. So, Dave was talking to a waitress last night. So what? He can do that since you broke up with him. He slept with her. He slept with her. What?! I went to his house this morning, and there she was. I went to his house this morning, and there she was. Whoa. I felt so stupid. I felt so stupid. Of course. You don't go running to an ex's without calling first ` in case he has a hussy in his bed, which he did. in case he has a hussy in his bed, which he did. You're not helping. Why should I help? I think you were crazy to let him go. Why should I help? I think you were crazy to let him go. Just` Let's not talk. OK. Except Dave was sexy, and he loved you, and he wasn't gay, and you just` (GASPS) (WHIMPERS) Did you just throw a mud pack at me? Did you just throw a mud pack at me? I just threw a mud pack at you. Did you just throw a mud pack at me? I just threw a mud pack at you. (GIGGLES) $70 per 100g mud pack? Yep. Yep. Wow. (CHUCKLES) Jen. Jen. What? I'm gonna be 40. I'm gonna be 40. So? I'm gonna be 40. So? Tomorrow. What?! What?! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) 40, tomorrow I'm gonna be. You're turning into Yoda. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) May 7th ` that's right. I'm sorry I didn't remember. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Aw, babe. 40. (CHUCKLES) Jilted by my 24-year-old ex, throwing mud packs at my best friend ` what is going on with me?! What it is, hon, is that you need to get absolutely shit-faced. I think you can take heart from the fact that, when you think about it, your life is not as crap as mine. How do you figure? How do you figure? Alec. How do you figure? Alec. Ooh, the new flatmate. He is not what I signed up for. He leaves the toilet seat up, cooks dinner before I'm home, leaves pubes on the soap. And Dylan lets him. Why did I think it was a good idea to buy a house with someone I barely knew? Why did I think it would be a good idea to fall in love with a guy who wasn't even born in the '80s? (SIGHS) This is dumb. This is dumb. I'm not taking any chances. You two are going on that OE. You won't miss Azza at all? You won't miss Azza at all? Where's my passport? You won't miss Azza at all? Where's my passport? How do I know? It's not where I keep all my important things. It's not where I keep all my important things. Where's that? In the important things place. In the important things place. Jesus, Az. If you can't find it, I'll be going on my own tomorrow. I had it the other day. Betty was laughing at the photo. You. You. What? You. What? You've hidden it. Why would I hide it? Why would I hide it? I don't know. Maybe you don't want me to go and leave you. Or maybe you're a space cadet who forgot where you put it? What's the most likely scenario here, DR? What's the most likely scenario here, DR? Space cadet. When are you gonna get that you're going on your OE and I don't give a shit? She totally hid my passport. She totally hid my passport. Are gonna come and shag me? Or do I have to do everything myself? Excuse me. Don't go anywhere. Excuse me. Don't go anywhere. Azza! MUFFLED SPEECH, GRUNTING > UPLIFTING MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES 1 He's gone! Cos you left your post. Cos you left your post. You told me to come in and bang you. Cos you left your post. You told me to come in and bang you. Was it worth it? Yeah. What if he gets cougar-struck again? Shit. Shit. < What is it? My passport. My passport. What's it doing in the freezer? It's the other place I keep important things. It's the other place I keep important things. Hey! Score. OK. Now, this is just stupid. OK. Now, this is just stupid. You didn't hide my passport? OK. Now, this is just stupid. You didn't hide my passport? Of course I didn't. You really don't care I'm leaving? You really don't care I'm leaving? What, you want me to cry? Might be fitting for the situation, actually. What are you doing? What are you doing? Staying at my grandmother's. What are you doing? Staying at my grandmother's. But it's my last night in Auckland. Betty! Betty! DOOR SLAMS UPBEAT MUSIC Did Stewie know it was your big 4-0? Did Stewie know it was your big 4-0? Oh, he never remembers the kids' birthday, so probably not. But the kids knew? Hmm. They were so excited to go away. They probably didn't even think about it. When Scarlett was born, I used to think about this kind of stuff. On my 40th, my little baby will be 16, handing out the chips and dip at the party. You want a party? You want a party? No. But the kids will call tomorrow, I bet. Of course they will. Marion's good with dates. Of course they will. Marion's good with dates. KNOCK AT DOOR Hey. That's a good look, dude. They're not mine. They're not mine. Right. The waitress', are they? Cara told you? Cara told you? Classy, bro. Cara told you? Classy, bro. Can I see her? I'm really sorry about this morning. I'm really sorry about this morning. You don't have to explain anything. You are young and single. And I shouldn't have come over. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. And I'm glad you're getting on with things. The waitress didn't mean anything. The waitress didn't mean anything. It's OK. I don't even really remember her name. I don't even really remember her name. Honestly, Dave. It, was, like Georgia? Georgie? It, was, like Georgia? Georgie? OK, we don't need to have this conversation. I miss you and the kids. I miss them too. Really? Really? 'Course. Just getting used to them, and then... Do they know we've split? Do they know we've split? They haven't skyped for a while. What did I do that was so wrong, Cara? What did I do that was so wrong, Cara? Nothing. I turned my life upside down. I... (CHUCKLES) I sang Escaping in front of strangers. I went larping. I was Drenchman. I moved in with you and your three kids and freakin' Marion. I didn't ask you to do any of it. I didn't ask you to do any of it. You did ask me to move in. Yes. That's true. But, yeah, the rest were my decisions ` because I am old enough to make them. I know you are. I know you are. So why do you keep thinking you know better than me? Because you need to have fun, which you are, so... Anyway. (SIGHS) I still love you, Cara. I still love you, Cara. Oh, don't. I still love you, Cara. Oh, don't. I do, even though you're being a dick and telling me that I should` even though you're being a dick and telling me that I should` I'm being a dick? Yes. But the point I was trying to make` Yes. But the point I was trying to make` I think you're being a dick. I know you'd rather I didn't go. I'm not changing my mind just because you've come around here. I'm missing my kids, and it's been very lonely and very quiet, and... I'm not changing my mind. It's not an easy time for her. It's not an easy time for her. Because of the kids? It's not an easy time for her. Because of the kids? And the waitress. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And the big 4-0. The what? The what? Cara, 40. She's 39! She's 39! For a few more hours, maybe. It's her birthday... tomorrow? I'm leaving the country on Cara's birthday? Bad enough she's facing the milestone without her kids or a party. She can... have a party when they get back. In three weeks' time? It's not really the same. SUBDUED MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Screw it. Cara! Cara! Cara. Come with me. Tomorrow ` get on the plane with me. Tomorrow ` get on the plane with me. What? Tomorrow ` get on the plane with me. What? We're flying to Bali for two weeks. You can come. I know you don't want to hold me back or keep me here, so... don't. I can't come with you. Why not? Why not? Two weeks, Cara. And if it doesn't work out, we can call it quits. I'm sorry, Dave. Nice try. Yeah. Got a baby yet? Got a baby yet? Whitney's overdue. But any day now I'm gonna be a dad. Rather you than me. Rather you than me. Same. Hey. Hey. Hey. Thought you might have been trapped by the cougar. (SCOFFS) 'Course not. That's not why I went around there. Hope you've got a key for these. Hope you've got a key for these. Of course ` in my important things place. in my important things place. Great. Betty didn't hide my passport. Bummer. Bummer. Yeah. On the upside, you can get on the plane tomorrow. On the upside, you can get on the plane tomorrow. Yeah. Hugo, double vodka on the rocks. Hugo, double vodka on the rocks. Times two. For boys heading off on their OE, you both look pretty sad sack. For boys heading off on their OE, you both look pretty sad sack. Whatever. Forget about the vodka. I've got something else for you. Forget about the vodka. I've got something else for you. Yeah? Ow! Ow! Assault! Ow! Ow! You're heading off around the big, wide world, and you're sitting here worrying about a couple of birds. and you're sitting here worrying about a couple of birds. Betty's not just any bird. Woman. Neither's Cara. Neither's Cara. Oh, I remember ` she could be 'the one'. Did I say that? Did I say that? You did. What are the chances that, in the whole of Earth, the one woman you're meant to be with, your perfect match, would walk into this bar and get trapped in that bog? What are the odds of that? Got more of a chance of being hit by a bus. Got more of a chance of being hit by a bus. I got hit by a bus once ` a bendy one. It swung around and knocked me off my skateboard. OK. Well, that's just uncanny. But this is the law of probabilities. Your one woman could be working in a coffee stall in Kuala Lumpur, for all you know. He's right. We're busting out of this place. He's right. We're busting out of this place. We're seeing the world. That's more like it. Same again? Nah, we shouldn't. It's an early flight. Just one more? Just one more? Just the one. Just one more? Just the one. Only one. (SNORES) Az! Time to get up! We've got to go to the airport! Az! Time to get up! We've got to go to the airport! Airport?! You OK? I think I might still be drunk. I think I might still be drunk. Well, you can sleep on the plane. I think I might still be drunk. Well, you can sleep on the plane. Sleep. Plane. (GROANS) (GROANS) You OK? Good. Everything is ka pai. Come on. Time to go. (STRAINS) Yes? You came to say goodbye? You came to say goodbye? I came because I live here. Whatever happens, don't let go of the lease, OK? We want this place back when we come home. If we come home. Fine. My brother Don's moving in to help with rent. Fine. My brother Don's moving in to help with rent. OK. Well, spot you later. Bye. See ya. See ya. You stink of booze. Have a good time. Is that it? Is that it? I need to take a dump. Are you OK? Are you OK? Yeah. I will be. As soon as we're at the airport bar. DOWNBEAT MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES 1 1 (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) < SNORING Morning. (GROANS) Happy birthday, babe. Thanks. Thanks. It's gonna be a great one. Mm. Did you know we stop over in Brisbane? Two more, thanks, and whatever he's having. Two more, thanks, and whatever he's having. It's 8am. In NZ. In NZ. We're still in NZ. In NZ. We're still in NZ. We're in no man's land, bro. Why does she have to be such a bitch? I don't know, Az. Did you know we have seven hours in Brisbane? Yeah, sorry. They were the cheapest tickets. We should catch up with the kids. We should catch up with the kids. Why? Say goodbye. Say goodbye. Text them. PA: All passengers flying flight 240 to Brisbane, your plane is ready for boarding at gate 12. Shit. Is that us? We don't have to go right away. We don't have to go right away. Sweet. Mate, two more, thanks. (HUMS FANFARE) (HUMS FANFARE) Happy birthday, Cara. (HUMS FANFARE) Happy birthday, Cara. Oh, you guys. You shouldn't have. Well, you wouldn't let us have a party for you at ours. Well, you wouldn't let us have a party for you at ours. It's just another birthday. It's a large number. How does it feel? Given that I won't know for another few years yet. It's when life begins, right, Cara? It's when life begins, right, Cara? For sure. Who's for bubbles? Who's for bubbles? BOTH: Yes. Who's for bubbles? BOTH: Yes. Have the kids been in touch? Not yet. Oh, well, it's still early in Oz. Oh, well, it's still early in Oz. Yeah. Oh, well, it's still early in Oz. Yeah. (TAPS PARCEL) Open it. PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD Why are you hiding out here? I'm not hiding. What time was his flight? Early. He'll be gone by now. Slut! It is true what Phillip said. Life does begin at 40. Except you won't know for a couple of years. Except you won't know for a couple of years. You have spent forever raising children and not putting yourself first. But very soon those kids are gonna move out and you can start living. and you can start living. I have been living for 40 years ` breathing and walking about. Changing nappies, wiping snotty noses.... Changing nappies, wiping snotty noses.... Julia, honestly. What? I am helping her. She should not be moping on her 40th. What? I am helping her. She should not be moping on her 40th. I'm not moping. Just think of the next two weeks as a practice run for when you're an empty-nester. OK. OK. Two weeks of child-free bliss. The freedom to do whatever you want. MARGARET URLICH'S 'ESCAPING' PLAYS ON RADIO Oh my God. Escaping. Escaping. Escaping? OK. That's a good start. What about Omaha? I'm sure if I gave Martin a call, he'd` What about Omaha? I'm sure if I gave Martin a call, he'd` No. No, no, no. The song. Your guilty pleasure song. I know this one. I know this one. Oh. I was never really into music. So? Cara? What do you want to do? Go. To Bali. Right now. Right now. Yes! Go to Bali right now! Am I being crazy? Am I being crazy? Crazy if you don't. Am I being crazy? Crazy if you don't. Hold on. Dave was right. He was the one making all the effort, and all I could do was... just worry about him missing out. Phillip, do you have any idea what she's going on about? Phillip, do you have any idea what she's going on about? The kids ` they're people > with their own lives. I can't just sit around reacting to everything. You're reacting to the gin, I think. You're reacting to the gin, I think. I'm gonna find him. You're reacting to the gin, I think. I'm gonna find him. Dave? You are not getting on a plane and flying across the world on a whim. You are not getting on a plane and flying across the world on a whim. You said I have to start living. I meant go to night school or learn to ski! Phillip, back me up! I think it's bloody romantic. I'm gonna start searching for flights. You go and get packed. Really? Really? No! Really? No! Yes! # ...put my heart upon the shelf. Hiding inside myself. # What am I doing? # No use in faking. # Fool for the taking. # There's no more escaping you. # Found a direct flight, but we'll have to move. Found a direct flight, but we'll have to move. You won't make it. I've already bought the ticket. I've already bought the ticket. You what? I've already bought the ticket. You what? I'll pay you back. No way. It's a birthday present. No way. It's a birthday present. You already got me a present! No way. It's a birthday present. You already got me a present! We already got her a present! Come on, Cara. Am I the only person who hasn't completely lost their mind? So, if Dave left on flight 240, had a seven-hour layover and then direct to Bali, you should arrive about 20 minutes before him. you should arrive about 20 minutes before him. Perfect. I can be waiting for him as he walks through the gates. I can be waiting for him as he walks through the gates. For pity's sake. You OK to look after work? You OK to look after work? Piece of cake. And to house-sit? And to house-sit? Honey, you are doing me a favour. Now, go get your guy! Or go get bed bugs in some hideous youth hostel. Or go get bed bugs in some hideous youth hostel. Come on! Enjoy it! PHILLIP AND CARA: Bye! I should leave him a message ` let him know I'm coming. More of a romantic gesture to surprise him, isn't it? More of a romantic gesture to surprise him, isn't it? Jesus Christ. Yes, we all know your opinion, Julia. It's not my opinion ` it's fact. A 40-year-old mother-of-three behaving like a teenager on heat. What, unlike a married woman screwing some miserable divorcee in the back of his SUV? That was inappropriate. Guys, how are we going for time? Guys, how are we going for time? It's OK, Cara. I'm gonna get you on that plane, no matter what. POP! RUMBLING POP! RUMBLING Oh! Shall we take this moment to pause and consider the sense in this idea? It's just an obstacle ` an obstacle we can overcome. Bugger. I might need to call roadside assistance. Bugger. I might need to call roadside assistance. To change a tyre? It's what they do. It's what they do. Ugh. Honestly. Out of the way. It's what they do. Ugh. Honestly. Out of the way. You can change a tyre? I grew up in a Morrinsville petrol station, Phillip. She's brilliant at backing a trailer, too. VACUUM HUMS VACUUM SWITCHES OFF (SOBS) Are those my undies? Are those my undies? (GASPS) What the hell are you doing? Why aren't you on the plane? What the hell are you doing? Why aren't you on the plane? Wasn't allowed. What? What? Too many tequilas in the airport bar. They wouldn't let you on the plane? Said I could sober up and catch the next flight, but I passed out and missed that one too. They said I could wait and get another one tonight, but at that stage, I thought, 'Screw it.' Right. Betty, I think the universe conspired to keep me off that plane. No. You just got pissed. (CHUCKLES) No. You just got pissed. (CHUCKLES) Well, yeah, but it's OK, cos I love you. I'm not going anywhere without you. Don! (SNIFFS) Get your shit. You're going back to Grandma's. Go on. So, what about Dave? Did he make it on to the plane? So, what about Dave? Did he make it on to the plane? Yeah. Right. Park the car while I get her into check-in. Right. Park the car while I get her into check-in. JULIA: Fine. Bye, Julia. I'll see you in two weeks. (SQUEALS) Come on. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Bye! Here we go. Thank you. Here we go! DOOR CLOSES DOOR CLOSES Shit. Who's there? ALL: Surprise! ALL: Surprise! ALL SCREAM ALL: Surprise! ALL SCREAM Shit. We thought you were Mum. We thought you were Mum. It's her birthday today. We thought you were Mum. It's her birthday today. We wanted to surprise her. Well, you surprised me. Why are you here? We live here. We live here. We decided to come home early. We live here. We decided to come home early. It's hot in Broadbeach. And we were kind of bored. And then there was Mandy. And then there was Mandy. Who? And then there was Mandy. Who? Dad's ex-girlfriend turned up. And they decided to get back together. And they decided to get back together. And she... is such a cow. She's monstrous. She's monstrous. She's a little bit mean. So you decided to bring them home? So you decided to bring them home? Not me, no. No. No. Dave did! No. Dave did! Oh. Hold on. Dave who? Dave Robinson. Where's Cara? Where's Cara? No! No, you cannot be here! Look, it's her birthday, OK? I had to be here. And my mother is going to kick my arse over the tickets. So if you could drop the pitbull-friend thing, I'd really like to see Cara now. Please? Sh` Trying Phillip. Trying Phillip. CHUCKLES: She's going to Bali? > Trying Phillip. CHUCKLES: She's going to Bali? > That's not a good thing, Dave. She's following me to Bali! She's following me to Bali! Except you're not there. Come on, Phillip. Answer your phone. That is the bad part, yes. But the good part is... she loves me. You always knew that, didn't you? You always knew that, didn't you? Not when she dumped me. You always knew that, didn't you? Not when she dumped me. She didn't. She set you free. Same thing. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. You know that, don't you? Hi, Auntie Jen! That's helpful. We're never gonna make it. We're never gonna make it. Yes, we will! We all in? We all in? ALL: Yes. What did I tell you? 'Ring her,' I said. But no. You wanted it to be a surprise. UPBEAT MUSIC Wow. This is fast. Are you observing the speed limit here, David? Are you observing the speed limit here, David? Sure am. Go, Dave! Go! Faster! Yeah, boot it! Yeah, boot it! (LAUGHS) Run, Dave! Like the wind! Run, Dave! Like the wind! I'm going too! Careful of cars, Logan. Careful of cars, Logan. Hurry! She'll have gone through customs already. No, she could be in check-in or duty-free. I don't know what Cara was thinking, running off on the spur of the moment. If someone hadn't taken her children off her on her 40th birthday, things might have been different. What? I` I only wanted Stewie to get to know them. I... thought he deserved to spend some time with them. And then she turned up. And then she turned up. Mandy? All that brassy hair and her skin a frightening shade of orange. She kept telling the kids off, and she wouldn't let me cook. She liked to do it herself? She liked to do it herself? Oh, she was on some ridiculous diet. Could only eat watermelon every second day. We had words. Could only eat watermelon every second day. We had words. You let rip? (SCOFFS) And Stewie took her side. He yelled at me, and I was defending his children. I'm so sorry. Oh no. Plane's already gone. We're too late. Plane's already gone. We're too late. No! She's on her way there, and I'm here. This is not how it's meant to go. This is not how it's meant to go. No. Could you buy another plane ticket? Could you buy another plane ticket? I've already forfeited one, paid for a flight back from Brisbane, changes to their tickets. I'm stony broke. All rather a mess, isn't it? Don't worry, Logan. Your mum can get on another plane and come home. I know, but I wanted to see her today. You're not the only one. What? We made check-in, and then we discovered that my passport expired two months ago. Like I say, if you were more organised... Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! BOTH LAUGH Oh, thank God! BOTH LAUGH LAUGHS: What? Dave. Dave. Holy shit! (LAUGHS) You're here. You're here. So are you! But what about your OE? But what about your OE? I got as far as Brisbane. Mummy! Mummy! Oh my God! (LAUGHS) VOICE CRACKS: You guys! I've missed you so, so much! Happy birthday, Mum. Happy birthday, Mum. What? Well, she's here now? Happy birthday, Mum. What? Well, she's here now? She is. What is going on? What is going on? I think a happy ending is what's going on. Good God, Phillip. Could you be any cheesier if you tried? GENTLE MUSIC Happy birthday, Cara. MUSIC CONTINUES That was an expensive day all round, wasn't it? All those air tickets and no one using them. Who cares? It's only money. Who cares? It's only money. 'It's only money,' says the investment banker. (LAUGHS) I want a divorce. What did you say? What did you say? I happen to believe in love, and you don't. Who said? Who said? I want a divorce, Julia. Because I'm practical? Phillip? Phillip? < DOOR SHUTS CELL PHONE RINGS, SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Bullshit! Dave didn't make it either. Did he get too drunk to fly as well? Nah, something to do with Cara and the kids. He couldn't hack it. Nah, something to do with Cara and the kids. He couldn't hack it. Oh, pussy. I reckon. Poor Natalie. She's gonna be upset at us. Oh, I bet you wish you could kiss her better. Oh, I bet you wish you could kiss her better. Don't be gross. Hey, do you want to pretend I'm her and screw my brains out? OK. Oh, Betty. Oh, Betty. I thought we were pretending. I don't need to pretend. I'm glad I didn't go. I'm glad I didn't go. (LAUGHS) Me too. Cos I'm up the duff. What? What? Don't stop. It's not as if I can get more pregnant. Mmm. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) And he's 14, and he's from Byron Bay, and he is so cute. And his name's Brody. And his name's Brody. Which is so cute, and it's, like, 'Liam who?' right? Right. Right. If you see Liam, tell him I've way moved on. I'll tell him. I'll tell him. He's not so bad, is he? I suppose he's marginally better than Mandy the blonde tangelo. I suppose he's marginally better than Mandy the blonde tangelo. (SNORTS) Hup. (GRUNTS) < SMASH! Oh, for pity's sake! I only just bought that. Oh, for pity's sake! I only just bought that. Sorry, Marion. Never mind. GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS Hugo said what are the odds of my perfect woman living in the same country, in the same town, walking into the bar and getting stuck in the bog? Uh-huh? Uh-huh? Not very high odds, right? Uh-huh? Not very high odds, right? I guess not. But it happened. So I'm your perfect woman? Even though you were being a dick and you're 40. Even though you were being a dick and you're 40. Oh! Is that really necessary? Is that really necessary? Whoo-hoo! Is that really necessary? Whoo-hoo! Gross, mother! Ew, get a room! GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES Captions by Richard Edmunds. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014