In 1980, I was placed into the New Zealand government state care system. This was due to my parents being unable to look after me. For the next 18 years, I had been placed into 79 foster homes. I had been subject to physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I am Daryl. I am a survivor of state care. I ended up being placed by a rubbish bin. I was asked to do certain things... to the foster mother. I would hate to think that she was trying to kill us off. (TAPE REWINDS) I was born in Auckland in 1979, um, in November. According to record, I was living with my biological mother and biological father, who were both under the Mental Health Act, or in that time, under Carrington Hospital. Mum was a nurse. She was married with two children. She lived in Whangarei. And her husband, he had beaten her and ended up admitting my mother into Carrington Hospital. As part of the initiation into the Mongrel Mob, my father got, um, very serious head injuries that ended up getting him admitted into Carrington Hospital. One would think, 'What are the chances of these two being able to look after a child?' And in the third month of my existence, I ended up being placed by a rubbish bin. My father dialled, um, 111 for help. As the ambulance approached, he would've just left me there and walked away. I was taken into Auckland hospital, and there, I was assessed. My nappy had not been changed in some time. I had severe eczema burn, and at that stage, I looked so bad, the government then stepped in and made me a ward of the state. I've tried to picture this many times. Glass bassinet. A family walking past ` 'We'll take that child.' At the same time, my foster sister, Erica, she` I don't know if she was next to me or three or four glass boxes down ` I don't know. Yeah, we simply got chosen. I guess, in a way, we were blessed to have each other, whether it was good or bad. We comforted each other in so many ways, whether it was normal or abnormal. At least we were there together. The red flags went up when... there were` bite marks started to appear or bruises started to appear on just Erica and I. We were failing to thrive. Our... overall, you know, development you could see was deteriorating. Our behaviours were quite alarming to some people. So, in late '83, as I was entering the age of 4, my foster family had decided to move to America. The record shows that prior to us leaving for the USA that there were concerns that were raised ` failure to thrive; recurring bite marks on us; observation by a statutory social worker indicated that every time they made a home visit, either myself or Erica had a bruise or some type of mark. They still allowed us to leave with our foster parents, even though there was reports saying that, 'No, they shouldn't be going.' A lot of my memories... come to me not in chronological order. They come in, um, flashbacks. Bang ` I'm back in 1983 again. I can only see what I see as a child. Trying to make sense of that through an adult's lens, the memories have always been of a negative experience. I remember in America, we were always in a room ` a dark, seedy room ` for a long period of time. I remember a time where I used to stand on Daryl's back to open the door. (LAUGHS) (DOOR CREAKS) I remember opening the curtain, and it was, like, a horrible, ugly, dirty netting. Um, and I could just hear the laughter of children. There was a world out there that I hadn't seen. (CHILDREN SHOUT, LAUGH) I don't recall ever playing with the other kids; it was always me and Daryl. Cos we were so hungry, we... snuck out of the room one day. And then we went into the kitchen and stole heaps of food. (LAUGHS) One of their children saw us. I remember we were begging him not to tell on us, and then we, you know, copped a big hiding from our house mother for stealing. A lot of the beatings were, um... The pulling of the ears was one. Being hit across the head. Whacked on the shoulder. If I cried, I would get more. Then it was Erica's turn. She belted me, and I think she threw an iron at me, and it hit my shoulder, and I remember just bleeding tremendously. And then my foster father took me in the bathroom ` I remember that clearly ` and he was cleaning up all the blood from my shoulder. I remember starting kindergarten, and the kindergarten asking, 'What's that?' And I was being asked questions ` you know, 'How is it where you are, where you're living?' The concerns did go from the day care through to the child services. People did come to visit, and they looked at Erica and I, asked us little questions. And... it felt like the very next day, I was at this great big park, and I was able to press a button on a car. It was a Dukes of Hazzard car. We had a really good day that day. We do recall going on many rides, um, taking photos. And from what it appeared to look like was they were getting the photos in to show that they were being, well, great carers, really. MAN: Come on, you kids. But it would become a lot worse for me. The nights... got harder. And it started by,... 'Go to sleep,... 'and if you make a move,... 'or a sound,... 'you will... get the bash.' I remember looking up and seeing her white face staring at us. (CHUCKLES) That` That stalked me for years, I must admit. Cos she had a very pale white face, and she used to... always just haunt us. I remember lying there in the dark. You can feel,... like, the breaths... (SHUDDERS) the breaths on your cheek. (SWALLOWS) And you know someone's there. The lights come on in the room. And then... I was asked to... do certain things... to the foster mother. But I was shown by... the foster father... of how to do it. I remember having to... go up under my foster mother's dress... and... touch her... inappropriately. This seemed like days and months and... it just... like, an everyday occurrence. Until Erica and I had to do things... to each other. I remember... Oh, it makes me feel sick. I remember... Do you mind if I have a glass of water? As a child growing up, I had a very... sexually disturbed mind,... where whatever games that the house parents used to play with us, you know, I used to play those games with other kids, which I thought was normal, but, you know,... it's not. (LAUGHS) One day, I remember the foster lady saying, 'Would you like to go for a swim?' Erica was all for it. And we were just told to 'climb the ladder, and inside, there is water, and you swim. You swim. 'Have a good time.' As I climbed the ladder,... I remember, like, several steps going up,... but inside the pool, that same ladder didn't touch the ground. I remember feeling, like, halfway. And I remember holding on for dear life. And then not having hold of it ` slip. And I could just see Erica's... feet, like,... splashing, kicking. I couldn't breathe. This is it. And the neighbour was hanging out the washing. The neighbours saw the splashing and, um, took us out of the pool. When I, you know, was a child growing up, I used to have panic attacks in the pool if I couldn't touch the bottom. I had, actually, massive anxiety when it comes to water. And I can probably just say it's related to that incident. Even though I don't recall the memory, the effects were internal. I would hate to think that she was trying to kill us off. But that's sure what it appeared to look like, in reality. Um,... 'accident,' as you may say. And I think she had enough eyes on her to the point of,... 'Yeah, these children are to be returned.' All I remember from there... is being back on an aeroplane. I was really hoping that the next place I go to was gonna be one of the best places, but I was very... (INHALES) doubtful. I was very fearful and` and most of all, I felt, 'Am I gonna be safe?' So after coming back from America and experiencing, uh, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect in every form that you can think of, we went straight into Auckland Hospital. At first, I was very cautious ` very, very cautious. Like, 'Why this?' Like, 'What do they want?' I remember asking if I was allowed the light on. And the nurse said, 'Yes, of course. That's fine.' I think from there, the feeling was, like, 'Wow. This is just so different.' Yeah, I mean, I felt so free. I felt... I'm not gonna get beaten. I guess our overall health started, you know, um,... getting better. Our weight started gaining because of the food that we used to eat. And there were other children there. I remember there was other kids, but I do recall that me and Daryl, we just stuck together. I remember driving a long way. Big house. Remember a lady coming out... with a man. The foster mother spoke with such a... soft tone. When we entered my second family, my second foster family, um,... (SIGHS) I remember having a beautiful home. And Daryl and I had a beautiful room with our own beds. I remember climbing into bed, and it was just, like, so soft and... the quilt, the pillow ` you could just sink in. But I did say, 'You don't come into our room, eh?' The answer was, 'Not unless you want us. 'You can call for us.' It was like we had died and gone to heaven. (CHUCKLES) Um, just that the feeling inside was just, um, very comforting. And we felt safe. We had never experienced this type of love before, so we just cherished every moment. I felt settled. I felt loved. And I thought I was there forever. I win. (GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC) In my room, I had a treasure chest. The treasure chest, for me, was, like... I don't know. It was somewhere I could go and say, 'You know what ` it's yours. That's yours.' With the new foster parents, they just constantly took photos and would place them in albums. I would put my album inside of my treasure chest. Because Daryl was three months older than me ` his birthday was in November; mine was in February ` so we had a joint birthday together. We were so excited, and we had our first birthday cake. And that was our 5th birthday. And I remember Daryl going to school. The foster father... picked me up after school. He had this ghastly look on his face. I remember the foster mother saying, 'Daryl, da-da-da...' rambling on about something. I looked for Erica. I went outside. I went upstairs. Just as I turned, it was like a flood ` like, boof ` that they had taken Erica away. I just went absolutely (MOUTHS) ballistic. Ooh, being... so angry. Everything in sight, I just smashed. Chucked things through the window. I just didn't care. 'Where is my sister? Where is my sister?' So, my foster parents told me that Erica had gone back to her... real family. But as a child, I didn't` I was her family. I felt lost, like there was a piece of me that was missing now. Because we were connected emotionally, um,... so strong together before, for the first five years of my life, I... I felt a piece of me had gone. Erica leaving wasn't a decision made by the foster parents themselves; it was a decision made by the state that they felt Erica, um, would be best to go back home. My foster parents really gave me the space... to heal, gave me space and time to myself. In my treasure chest, I had the photo album of Erica, and whenever I missed her, I would go back to the photo album and just go through the photos. That was my way to cope. We sat down together, um, one night, and... I remember my foster mother saying with great passion, like, you know, 'Daryl, we love you so much. You've gone so far. 'And would you like us to be your mum and dad forever?' And I said, 'Well, of course. You already are.' I was on cloud nine. I really was on cloud nine. So they approached the government... asking to adopt me. One day, I arrived home,... and... the foster mum's crying. I could see her yelling. I could see him getting very frustrated. She said, you know, 'It's... 'It's time to go.' And she just looked at me and just` just hugged me. I was just absolutely... shocked and... in tears, trying to figure out what was going on. Like, 'What have I done wrong?' I think the only thing I asked was, 'Is my treasure chest in the car?' To which was said, 'Yes.' New Zealand law states that if a child in foster care is to be adopted, they need to go back to the parents to get consent. If there are biological family that can look after that child, they are to come first. My uncle said to the government, 'I will take Daryl.' We finally arrived, and I` all I hear is, 'Our cousin's here! Our cousin's here!' And I'm thinking, 'Who are these people?' 'Those are your cousins. That's your auntie and your uncle.' 'I don't know who they are. Who are you? You're crazy. 'I don't belong here. No way.' I told them I wanted to go home. And they kept saying, 'That's not your home.' And I said, 'That is my home.' So I thought to myself, 'The only way to get out of here is to be naughty. 'Let's make this very difficult.' I would scream at my auntie. I would yell at her. I ran away. I did every possible thing a child could think of... to get out of there. I put so much stress on her that she thought it was best... that I go back into... state care. And I went, 'Yes! 'I'm going home.' So, as we pull into this driveway, I think, 'Oh, we must be here to pick up another child or something.' And then I hear the boot open, and I think, 'Oh. My gear's coming out.' And my heart just broke. I was expecting to go home. I sit down with a social worker and the caregiver and we go through the care plan. So, at the age of 6, I was asked to sign a form to say that I will not do drugs, not do alcohol. It was like a one-to-10 house rules. That home was a shocker. That home,... um, was one of the worst homes I've ever been in. A lot of abuse happened at this place. One of the beatings got so bad that it actually drew blood. I looked at the blood,... and I said, 'You know what ` he's... 'only hurt... 'the outside. 'But he hasn't hurt the inside.' I thought, 'Well, hang on. You can do anything you want to. 'You can beat this, but you can't touch what's inside of here.' That was a real powerful, um, tool for me,... um, that I used a lot growing up. This certain day, I wake up, turn the light on, go to the wardrobe and, 'Oh my God. My treasure chest isn't there.' And... I can't believe it. This was my connection to Erica. This was my connection to... that little bit of hope I had left that I could go back home. I asked... the lady, 'Did you take my chest?' To which she said, 'Yes.' And the conversation that ` and it took a lot of bravery to do this ` was, 'That was mine.' And that led to me going outside,... getting a bamboo,... in order to be whacked on the hand for answering back. I was lost. I didn't know how to break this placement down, because it meant a beating. And when I was told I was leaving, I was like, 'Yay!' Like, all Christmases at once. I am so happy to... get away from this hellhole. And I'm about to move to... what every foster child will dream about. You know, let's just hope that the madness has gone. Damp homes are unhealthy ones, and harder to heat. So if you can see mould on walls or carpets, or even if the air smells musty, you need to act quickly. Remember ` dry it out ` one of the three essentials for a healthy home. * I would've been about 10 and a half. I was in the car with my social worker, and I asked why I'm moving. And the social worker said to me, 'Daryl, the 1989 Act states that if you're a Maori child, you are... 'to be in a Maori home.' And... I didn't quite know what Maori was, apart from... the scary dudes doing the haka on TV, really. And I got to this placement,... and as I arrived there, um, they were packing. And it turned out that her husband had passed away. So I had to go for a` to a tangi, to a Maori tangi... and experience it the Maori way. And... I learnt... huge. I learnt a lot. (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) I saw her maimai ` I saw her cry. I saw her pain. And... I could also see she was a very nice lady. Very nice. She had older children. I was the youngest. Yeah, I just felt... really good ` really good in this home. It was more, um, of a family. It was not restricted by rules, regulations. And you could sense by, um, the people in it that it was a... a place where people draw strengths upon everyone else. I knew by then that I was getting to an age where I had to... like, try and stay still. So... I worked really hard at this placement. So, one day, the government announced that all foster homes are to go out, pick up some street kids, take them back to the home, feed them, dress them. My job was to sweep the garage. And we were gonna go marae styles, as in mattresses on the ground. So these guys turned up. They appeared to be quite scary-looking. They were sucking on those plastic bags, but they` they appeared friendly, despite that. They had a whole language to them, like, 'Chur, I've got food,' or 'I got clothes,' or 'Man, oh, chur, bro. Yeah.' It was quite late at night, and one of the boys asked me for a cuppa tea. 'Bro, get a cuppa tea. Come and talk to us!' I made the cuppa tea, went out, and... I was shoved... to the ground. All I heard was, like, laughter. They go to the corner of the garage,... and there's spiderwebs there and this ` oh, fuck, I'll never forget it ` this great, big black spider just dropped. He grabbed the spider... (LAUGHS) ...and coming towards me, and I start to move a lot. And the more I moved, the more I get pinned down. 'Open your mouth.' And, oh, fuck... I felt the legs and... Oh, shit. And I just remember saying, you know, 'Fuck it.' And then I just went, 'One, two, three. (CHOMPS)' Physically bit down... and swallowed and, um,... the boys were like, '(IMITATES RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) Chur, bro!' And I just try and head for the door, eh. And the words I remember more than anything are, 'If you say anything, we're gonna fuckin' kill you.' I was trying to get myself together, and I couldn't. And... I had to break it. And I said, 'I want to go. 'I want to leave... today. 'I want out of here. I don't like you, and I don't like this. I don't like anyone here.' And... she rung the social worker. And the social worker came to pick me up. My social worker... turns to me. 'You know, Daryl, the way you're going, you're gonna end up in jail.' And I thought, 'How fucking dare you.' I get to the office,... and I'm directed straight to the manager's office where I'm told practically the same thing. 'Daryl, the way you're going, you're gonna end up in jail.' And then she had the cheek to turn around and say, 'Well, would another pair of Nikes make you behave?' And I` (GROANS) I know... what breaks placements down, what it's like to be shoved into a corner, to eat a spider, what it's like to be beaten, what it's like to lay there in the dark and feel nothing by air on your cheek. I know what it was like to lose something that was most precious to you. So when I heard these words, I made it my absolute utter declaration of life ` my absolute passion that I would become a social worker, and I would change the system. However, in the meantime, I'm still having to live this traumatic foster-care life... of further abuse, further neglect... and further trauma. * So, around 11 years old, I was... roughly into my... 16th, 17th placement. My number came up. They found a permanent placement. This family was wild. This family had three of their own children. There was also three foster children. This guy was a maniac. This guy was crazy. He was, um, sergeant major. If you didn't do what you were told, you got a beating. I got it really hard. I got huge amounts of jobs. I was old enough now to sorta answer back a little bit. I challenged processes, because I could now weigh it up against other places I had lived in. Most children who are harmed by foster parents in care are... are harmed by well-intentioned parents. In other words, foster parents who` who normally wouldn't be harming children. But these are foster parents who are not coping with the system or with the child's behaviour. Then there's another group that's a bit smaller than that that are really just quite neglectful, because it's more like a business or the carers aren't really nurturing them in the way that they need to be nurtured. Then the most serious one is also, thankfully, the most rarest one, which is really the carers who are malevolent. One day, after another scruffle with a, um, biological son, my punishment was to get up at 6 o'clock on a 'Sunday morning' and, um,... my job was to mow the lawns. Get out there and do those bloody lawns! But the trick was I had to do it with a pair of scissors. And the only thing I can think of is, 'If I can make this a fun process,... 'I can make it an easier process.' So I took the trees and I shaped the letter 'D-A-R-Y-L' for Daryl. And I cut around the grass. I cut in all the middle pieces. And it looked fantastic, but... when he came out ` 'What's that?' And boot. God, that boot. It's always the boot. And... I got shoved to my room. And... I heard the most funniest thing. He started the lawnmower. (LAWNMOWER WHIRRS) He mowed the lawn. And I thought, 'I just made him mow the lawn.' And that felt good enough for me. The greatest day of that placement was when I got home and they weren't there any more. They're gone. And these two people from another country were there. Never heard their accent before in my life. Um, the guy spoke funny. The lady spoke funny. But they were funny people. The first day we actually stayed there, and I got up in the morning, and he was in the` in the kitchen, and he was making breakfast. He was wiping the floors. And, um... He was a` And making lunches for the kids to go to school. He was a special slave. (CHUCKLES) She goes, 'What are you doing?' I said, 'I'm doing my jobs.' And she goes, 'You don't need to do that,... 'eh. Come in. Come in and sit down.' I said, 'Listen, Daryl. This is not your job.' I said, 'Your job is to get up in the morning, have a shower, have a nice breakfast and walk to school.' I said, 'That's your job.' I said, 'My job is what you're doing now, so this is not gonna happen any more.' This was one of the first homes ever that I received pocket money. And I remember our foster father lining us all up and asking our age. And however old we were was exactly how much money we got. So I was, what, 12, so I got $12. And, my gosh, does $12 buy you a lot. The pocket money that we received from the office was for the children. We couldn't spend that. That is purely theft. So we said, 'Well, who had the pocket money?' 'Yeah, the house parents.' Yeah, they were quite surprised. They say, 'Can we go out now and go and spend it?' I said, 'Of course. I mean, there's a dairy on the corner.' Those were the days of the 2c lollies. You know, you go down and you got 2 bucks and that's it ` you've got 100 lollies, easy, eh. An attachment started to happen... because... I was being treated... like a kid. He loved to be hugged. Yeah, oh yeah. He loved` It took a little while, because he was` he was` Not used to it. ...obviously, not used to it. He was a beautiful boy. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, he was. I just felt like... I could` I could really enjoy this. You know? My schooling had increased dramatically. And at some stage, there was a parent night, and it was so sweet. He came to Leo and he said, 'If we go to school,' he said, 'can I call you Dad?' And that was so sweet. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. So` And Leo said, 'Sure, you can.' So Leo took him there and... I said, 'Well, in a way, I am a little bit your dad.' Yeah. They asked me, like,... 'How long have you been in foster care?' And I said, 'From the age of 3 months.' He was talking about, you know, being here for a day. He was talking about there for a day, a week, a few months sometimes. I think it was the first time someone had ever said or asked me, 'How do you feel, Daryl, about being in care? I just said, 'Look, to be honest with you, I'm over it. I've had enough.' So I told him. I said, 'Look, I will do everything I can to prevent that,' because he was so settled. He was doing so well in school, and I just wanted him to stay. (CRUNCHES) For months, I... believed that was gonna be my last foster placement. Until one day... (CHUCKLES) After years and years of... being in so many homes and suffering so much abuse and seeing so much, I was being treated like a kid. You know? I was being treated... like a human being. I was being given choices. And... the choices I had were... really good choices. (PHONE RINGS) CARLA: We heard about Daryl leaving just the day before he left. The social worker rang me, and he said, 'Oh, Daryl is going to go.' And I said, 'Why is that? He said, 'Because he needs a permanent placement.' I said, 'Daryl can have a permanent placement here.' And they said, 'No, it can't be, because the family home is always for temporary cases.' I said, 'But he's doing well here.' And he said, 'No, no. He's going to leave.' I said, 'Why? Why?' I said, 'Don't we have any say in this?' And he said, 'No, you haven't.' And that was it. And` But how do you explain to a 12-year-old... that you're totally powerless? And I plead for them not to take me. I'm like, 'Why are you taking me for? What's the point?' 'We need to find you permanent care, and we've found one.' And I'm told to grab my gear... and hop in this big white van. It's like you put your dog in` in the dog kennel where they don't want to be. That's what it felt like. You know? He's not a dog. He wasn't` He was a per` a human being. And, (SOBS SOFTLY) mm... (CLEARS THROAT) WHISPERS: It's OK. EMOTIONALLY: Why would you take away a kid that's happy where he is? At the end of the day, I still had to get into the van. But the minute I stepped in the van,... my plan was to come back the same day. How can people be so cruel? So cruel. Yeah. And that, in my opinion, is child abuse. That's child abuse. That is pure child abuse. We pull up to the driveway of the new foster home. And, my God, this was not a home. This was like, four, five homes in one little area,... full of foster children. I'm thinking, 'No way, this is just` No way. I don't belong here. 'I wanna go back.' So when I had the chance, um, they showed me to my room. I opened the window... and ran. And then I snuck into the house. I went back to my own room and decided it was safer to be under the bed. And then... I hear, 'Daryl. I know you're there.' That, for me, was a real sad moment, because that showed me that he wasn't happy where he was. So I found that even more distressing than the fact that he actually left. I've not been able to find any precedent, historically or cross-culturally, for children being raised in an impermanent situation where they go from place to place. It's madness. And, you know, I'm spending my career trying to draw on developmental science and developmental theory to explain what's wrong. And yet the average person in the community gets it. You know, like, it's just common sense. No child should have to go through the number of placements that Daryl went through. And unfortunately, his was not an isolated case. Today, things are done quite differently. We try and keep a child with their immediate family if we can and try and put more supports around them so that even if they have to be removed from their mother or father that they're placed within the broader whanau and that we're providing support to make sure that that placement is successful. So, from the age of 13 to 18, I had been in over 40 placements. Caregivers out there didn't want older children; they wanted younger children. So moving became the thing. A ward of the state, um, is discharged from 17 to 18 ` usually the 17th birthday. And it means that government has no responsibility of that child any more. It's all relinquished. So that's officially recognised when you enter through the courtroom, and the judge stamps that to say that, um, you are now discharged from state care. 'Congratulations, and good luck.' The judge said ` and I'll never forget these words ` 'On behalf of society of New Zealand, 'we congratulate you 'for living such a horrible life 'and coming out good.' That's when everyone started clapping. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And it's` the feeling is just overwhelming. 'I'm free. 'I don't have to answer to anyone any more. 'I don't have to see goddam any more care plans. 'No more house rules. 'Um, no signing of house rules.' For me, it was` it's` it was... I think I got to be Daryl. I think that this is a rare story, because it is such an unusual thing to see someone come through this and be able to be able to express this in such a coherent and articulate way. He's bearing witness to it. And that's a gift for us, because, um, really, quite frankly, most people that experience this aren't able to do this. I want to acknowledge Daryl's bravery. The fact that he has been through so much and is still able to make a constructive contribution to the way we provide care services now is a real tribute to him. I survived 17 years of care because I chose never to give up. I chose to believe in myself. And I always believed... that hope exists. I am Daryl. I am a survivor of state care. (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) Captions by Julie Taylor. Edited by Jake Ebdale.