SHE'S SO RAD'S 'BETTER OFF ON YOUR OWN' PLAYS Happy anniversary. Anniversary? Eight months. If you don't count the break we had a few weeks ago. Ooh, let's not. But eight months is a funny number to celebrate. It's not about the number. You just became my longest ever relationship. Wow! (LAUGHS) Eight months. That's` Amazing, I know. Happy anniversary, then. CHEERING, LAUGHTER WOLF WHISTLE, APPLAUSE BROODS' 'L.A.F' # Blood hits the pavement from your eyes, # under the streetlights, # but I've got you. # Your restless... # Nice evening? Pretty wicked so far. Kids have all settled. Scarlett and Jasmine had a bit of a squabble about the computer, but we managed to sort that. OK. Nighty night. Thanks for looking after the kids, Marion. # Blood hits the pavement from your eyes, # under the streetlights, # but I've got you. # Ow! Oof! Ooh! Logan, what are you doing in here? Scarlett scared me. Did she tell you another story? Mate, Scarlett is full of sh` rubbish. And there's nothing scary in this house. (SCREAMS) Jesus! Bloody hell, Scarlett! Hey, you know how I died three months ago? > Well, there's nothing in the rules about coming back as the undead. Come on, sweetie. No! Princess Samara's coming back, and she's gonna crawl out of the grave this weekend. Do you guys mind? I'm on the phone, FYI. Who to? It's late. Not in Aussie, duh. I'm not a vampire, though. Heaps of the younger LARPing groups are all about the vampire, and they think it's like Twilight, which is just so wrong. (CHUCKLES) I bet you're glad you got the night off work. It's not over yet. (GROANS) Yeah. UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Bloody Dave taking the night off. Now I gotta juggle everything at once. Comes with the job, doesn't it? Yeah, I've got work, but I've also got a Tinder hook up coming in. Her name's AlexGirl, and she's very promising. I went round to the apartment today to get the rest of my stuff. Julia's changed the locks. Oh, that is bullshit. I know! No, I mean... (WHISPERS) That's AlexGirl? Yeah. They never look like their pictures. (GROANS) Still can't eat this pizza. Hey, can you hear a baby crying? BABY SCREAMS Yeah, I can hear that. Liam. Oh, hey. What is that? That is my baby boy, Moses. Whitney started night school, and we couldn't afford a babysitter, so` I should fire your arse. Please don't. Yeah, I probably couldn't get anyone to do your shitty job for minimum wage, anyway. Thanks, Hugo (!) Just get on with it. I've got a Tinder date to cancel. Hey, babes. Where were you? We had a film festival date. (SIGHS) Shit. Something came up. And you couldn't text? LAUGHTER Bianca-Faye. Hiya! What is she doing? Fertilising. So, we've been talking for a while about having a kid, and Bianca-Faye offered, and she rang today to say she was ovulating, so` We whipped up an Alec and Dylan cocktail, grabbed ourselves a turkey baster, and here we are. You're trying to have a baby... with her? Oh, we're very excited. (WHISPERS) Why didn't you tell me about this? Well, there never seemed to be a good time. Oh my God. She is hurt because you didn't ask her. No! Seriously? I said no. I'll leave you to it. Jeez. And you can clean your hoof marks off my wall when you're done. I'm sorry. I can move him when he's asleep. Look,... (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) PHONE RINGS It's Jen. Don't answer that. OK. God, I can't remember when it was so hard to get laid. Ahem. Good, you're still up. Um, there's something wrong with my TV, Dave, could you come and have a look? Marion, we're trying to` I know. I heard. I'll look at your telly in the morning. Fine, I'll watch the end of my miniseries here. We can try again tomorrow. Tonight's my night off. I don't care where, and I don't care how, but we are doing it ` tonight. Mm. Are you with me? I'm in. Mmm. Mm. CAR HORN BLARES Don't know about my workplace. We are gonna christen the massage table. We are not doing it on the massage table! You're the boss; we can do whatever we want. Yes, we can. JESS CHAMBERS' 'ONLY YOUR ARMS' PLAYS Dave? Mm-hm? Wait! Why are there candles and music? Oh! Jen! What are you doing? I had to get away from snake oil Dylan and bastard face Alec. What are you two doing here? I` I wanted to talk Dave through our expansion plans. You weren't answering your phone. I walked in tonight and Bianca-Faye was there. Oh no! Poor` Sorry, Jen, but we have to` I'll call you. But... # Blood hits the pavement from your eyes, # under the streetlights, # but I've got you. # Your restless limbs are goin' wild. # BOTH MOAN PASSIONATELY (KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Move along, kids. No parking up here. Oh. CURIOUS MUSIC Well. We tried. Yeah. Did you just undo my bra? It's my superpower. (SCREAMS, LAUGHS) JESS CHAMBERS' 'HOPEFUL DREAMER' PLAYS # To every hopeful dreamer # sending prayers into the ether. # All the wishes ever... # BUMP! You're not here for a Tinder date by any chance, are you? No, I'm here to drink my way to a better me. PHONE CHIMES Oh, what? No way, he's cancelled. Here again, Phillip? I'm having a beer. Mm. In this bar, where Cara and I often are. Almost like you were hoping to bump into me. I really wasn't. Hugo, whisky. Of all the bars in Auckland, why here? Well, because it's convenient, close to work, and I like talking to Dave and Hugo about shit that isn't finance or banking or the property market. Yeah, he mainly talks about you. Really? About how unreasonable you are. You're the one who refuses to come home. Well, that's generally what happens in a divorce. Someone leaves, and they don't go back. You've made your point, Phillip. Just come home. Shit, I think I'm gonna be sick. No way, lady! Hey. Hey! Oh, Azza, that's it. She's out of here! Why? She's pissed! She isn't! She just tried to spew in my handbag. Betty hasn't even had one beer. No! Come on, go, go, go` Don't touch her! Everything makes her sick because she's got a bun in the oven. She's not pissed; she's pregnant. Moron! Hey, congratulations, you guys. Thanks. We're getting rid of it in the morning. Oh. Wow. Sorry, Betty. It just spilled out. Sorry, it just spilled out. Who is gonna clean that up? It was private. I only just washed this shirt. We are not a couple! (GRUNTS) Snap out of it, Phillip. Jesus Christ, you two, can you cut out the aggro, please? You're out of line. We are married, and you're being unreasonable. Wait a minute, you're Hugo. You are so here! Why did you cancel on me? Eh? BABY CRIES No! Enough's enough! This is a bloody bar, not a bloody day-care centre, not a bloody circus! You're fighting, you're vomiting, you're throwing drinks. People come here to socialise and drink and, most of all, relax! You hear me? You relax! You all right, Hugo? (GROANS) Stand back, I've got this! Are you a doctor? No, but I've done a first aid course, so close enough. SIREN BLARES (GASPS) Shit. PHONE RINGS Hello? Hi. This is Xandra. Who? Alexandra ` Xandra for short. You don't know me, but something terrible has happened. PHONE RINGS < What? Hugo? Oh, what? < He had a what?! < Jesus. Jen, it's really late. Cara,... something really bad has happened. Hugo's had a heart attack! The spa's burned down! Oh my God, that's awful! Oh my God, is he OK? I'm on my way. I'll be there in a few minutes. (EXHALES LOUDLY) Oh hey, Dave. Hi, I'm Xandra. (EXHALES) I thought you were dead. He's not, thanks to me. This guy might be, though. So, what happened? Just old age, I think. (GROANS SOFTLY) Oh, you mean Hugo. He had a serious cardiac episode. We nearly lost him. But Alex here brought me back. Sent by angels, this one. Well, by Tinder. Tinder saved you! (LAUGHS) It was nothing. Oh no. No, she gave me the kiss of life. Seriously, I saw lights, heard a choir singing, then I felt her tongue ` I came right back. Anyway, um, I'm glad you're OK. What about you? You have a good night off? Yeah. Good, cos you're about to start double shifts. I'm so sorry, Cara. I still don't get it. So you left the building, with candles going... Only to get some wine. God, I am such a terrible person. OK. It was an accident. And who knows? Tomorrow morning we might get in there and the damage will just be surface. CRASH! Oh my God. It's all right. It's a disaster. Also an opportunity. We were talking about expanding. This is forcing our hand, so, um... Really? You're gonna see a bright side in this? Hey, we have insurance. And... (INHALES) in the meantime, we can just hire some equipment and do house calls for our regulars. Hey, we'll push through. We'll get through it, and we'll be bigger and stronger on the other side, yeah? I'm so glad you don't hate me. Not a disaster. (CHUCKLES) Opportunity. . LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS KEYS JANGLE Keys to the bar? He's never let me have them before. But now he knows you're a trustworthy guy. Yeah. So free beer? Time to go? Uh, yep. Is that what you wear to a termination? What? I didn't realise you had to get so dressed up. Dick-lord, I got a last-minute call for a job interview. I'm going to that instead. Instead? Does this mean we're gonna have a kid? (SCOFFS) God, no. It means I rescheduled the appointment. Oh. OK. Good luck with the job thing. < DOOR OPENS, CLOSES (SIGHS) Jeez. For a second there I thought I was gonna be a dad. Scary. Yeah, right? We didn't even talk about it, you know. The baby thing? Betty was just like, 'Nah.' Fair enough. It's her body, so nothing to do with you. Really? It's a feminist thing. You don't have an opinion. Gotcha. Mind you, if you don't say anything, she'll accuse you of not being supportive. Yeah. But if you do say something, she'll accuse you of putting pressure on her. So do I say something or not? Either way, you can't win. So, advice? Don't get anyone pregnant in the first place. Helpful (!) Yes, portable massage tables. Whoosh! Whoosh! I'm sorry, how much? POP MUSIC PLAYS Absolutely, we can come to you. OK, can I put that on my credit card? You usually get the IPL therapy as well, don't you? (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) Yeah, we're going to need an IPL machine as well. Of course, no` CRASH! Mum! Oh, Logan! Um, I'll call you back. Hey, you OK? I'm OK. POP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER Sorry, what was that? Done, and dusted. What is? Careers seminar. We're thinking a student exchange trip next year. What? I could do year 13 in Italy or France. But that's` Why...? What? Or she could just go straight to university. She has the credits. But no one's discussed this with me. Jasmine, turn that down! It's OK. Gran's got it covered. Like Book Day! I can come to Book Day. When is it? Last week. I was Captain Underpants! Oh, it's all right. You've been very busy. Busy. Yes. Cara, we've got a home visit tomorrow at 3, yes? Marion, I love your hair. Is that new? You should be the boss all the time, bro. Bam! Did Betty have her appointment? Nah. She missed it. Really? She's rescheduling. When Whitney told me she was having a baby, I thought my life was over, but look at me now. You're still the dish kid. Good point. Kitchen's that way. I'm so much more than that. I'm somebody's dad. There's this moment when you look into your son's eyes and he gazes back, and it's like you're looking in a mirror. And you know that even if you've done nothing with your life, even if you're just some bum who washes dishes for a living... you made something cool. You made a person. And that person has the potential to be awesome. Az. Can you hold Moses for a second? Don't do it, Azza. Do not take that baby. Cos I might drop it? Cos you're not allowed an opinion, remember? You won't drop him. How the hell did you burn the spa down? I didn't burn it down. The building's still standing. It's just, sort of, gutted. It's OK. Nobody died, and it'll be fun doing home visits. Just like escorts. We are trying to see the bright side in this, Julia. It's very very difficult, but we are trying. Excuse me. Uh, bathroom. (SNIFFS) Now she'll be crying again. How do you not want to slap her? It was an accident. (SCOFFS) She has a lot of those. And why was she sleeping there in the first place? Because Alec and Dylan are trying to have a baby and she was upset and now she's sleeping on my couch` She's sleeping on your couch? She's not feeling comfortable at home. Boohoo. Tell her to go somewhere else. I don't really mind. I'll tell her. No. I don't need you running my life, Julia. She must have other friends. You know, someone with a spare room. OK, not everyone has a s... You've got a spare room. Shall we get going? Sure. Not going back to your own place, Jen? Um, it's a bit awkward. Mm. More awkward than sleeping on someone's couch? Well, you know, not everyone can have a spare room, Julia. (GASPS) Oh my God. You've got a spare room! What? Uh, if you get sick of the couch, Jen, you can always come and stay with Julia. Well, that wouldn't really work, because... (SIGHS) Phillip will be back. And I do not want to be here for that reunion. You certainly don't! Interesting thought, though. Isn't it? Just because she's living happily ever after, now she has to fix the rest of us. You were trying to fix my life, so I thought I should just return the favour. Uh, well, don't get too smug, Cara, cos you know what they say ` you can have love, health and wealth, but not all at the same time. Oh my God, he is adorable. Baby's not bad either. Come on, we gotta go. But so cute. So cute. Awesome. Babies are chick magnets. Azza, do you remember that time you borrowed the neighbour's dog cos you heard that chicks like a guy with a dog? Yeah. What happened, Az? Well, it got off its leash and bit me on the arse. Exactly. Well, a baby can't bite me on the arse. Doesn't even have teeth. Az! What is that? Uh, it's baby Moses, Liam's baby. He asked me to hold him. Oi, dish kid! Are you trying to influence our life-changing decision, Christian boy? Uh, yeah. Do you wanna have a hold? (SCOFFS) Piss off. OK. (YELPS, GRIZZLES) Come on. We're going home to celebrate. I got the job. Oh awesome. See ya, Dave. (GAGS) (SIGHS) No, I can't. Is it my breath? It's like bloody pizza! I haven't even had any pizza. (SIGHS) No, I mean pizza makes me feel sick, and so does sex. Really? (GROANS) Thank God this'll be over in a couple of days. Yeah, right. It's your decision. You know what you're doing. Yeah, I do. < DOOR CLOSES CHEERFUL MUSIC (MOANS, CHUCKLES) Why don't we go back to bed after the kids have gone to school? Don't you have to go back to the bar? Well, I am the boss right now, so... I need a shower. Perfect. # Blood hits the pavement from your eyes, # under the streetlights. # No, no, no, ba` bathroom's occupied! Sorry! We'll just... Yeah. WHISPERS: She won't be here for long. You are too nice. Do you know that? I am not. She destroyed your business. It was an accident. And she's having a hard time at home. Dave, your friend's here! You're early. Yeah, Betty was talking about shopping for work clothes. She got a job. Oh great. Yeah. Or not great? I dunno. I mean, what am I gonna do? You're working heaps. Betty's gonna be working heaps. There's only so much free beer I can drink, right? You could get a job too. The thing is, the thing I'm trained for is a bit shit. Well, you could always go back and study for something else. Been thinking about the dish kid. You know, he actually achieved something. You want to wash dishes? He's someone's dad. You're having second thoughts about the baby. Nah. Shit, no. I'm not allowed any thoughts. It's a... feminist thing. (SCOFFS) Who told you that? Yeah, who told you that? Oh really, Dave? (SCOFFS) Well, how am I meant to know? I've never had any experience of this kind of thing. All those chicks and you never once nicked one through to the keeper. That's more luck than anything bro. I know what it's like to be young and accidentally pregnant. And... (EXHALES) in the beginning ` shock. But it turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me. Cara! Just` Just a sec. Hmm? What are you doing? What? This is Azza. He can barely even look after himself. I can hear, you know. Me and Betty, we made a person. Well, sort of. I've never made anything that awesome before. Apart from that robot made out of beer cans. Oh yeah. That was pretty awesome. It was almost as tall as me. And I had to drink shitloads of beer to get enough cans to build it. Azza,... sounds like you do have an opinion after all. And if Betty's anything like I was when I was 24 and pregnant, she will be freaking out. I doubt she was anything like what you were. But if she knows that you'll be there for her no matter what she chooses, that could make all the difference. There for her. OK. Don't make her feel like she's alone with this, cos that sucks. Sucks. Right. PHONE RINGS Yo, Dave speaking. Dave, it's Xandra. I have Hugo for you. PHONE BEEPS Dave. Everything OK? Um... I'm out, Dave. I'm gone. You're what? You're dying? No! No, no, I'm` I'm selling the bar. This bar? Xandra reckons it's no good for me. Who even is she? Hey, she's my saviour, that's who! But you've only just met` You're not thinking with your head, Hugo. His cholesterol levels are through the roof. The stress is killing him! He needs help and support right now, not judgement, OK? Listen, Sandra` It's Xandra. Zzzzzz! And you listen ` to Hugo. OK, hey` PHONE BEEPS Hey, mate, the` the brewery's been sniffing around for years, so reckon it's just time to take the money, let them work all those hours and listen to drunk people whinging. So as soon as I'm out of here, Playground's going on the market. Right. PHONE BEEPS UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC Get it while you can. Hugo's flicking the place. What? I like it here. This place is like my second home. You are here a lot. Why is it that everything we love gets taken away, Dave? So I sign the contract on Friday, then I start on Monday. Sweet. So, I was thinking. Oh crap-burger! Once I made this robot out of beer cans, and it was amazing ` almost as tall as me. Did it walk and talk? No, it was made out of beer cans. (SCOFFS) Then it wasn't amazing, was it? Oh. Wasn't even a robot if it didn't do anything. Well, what was it, then? (SCOFFS) A sculpture. Lame. Well,... what if we did make something that will walk and talk and isn't lame? We need to go home. I feel sick. Maybe we can, you know, talk at home? My appointment is really early in the morning, so no. You made a new appointment? Well, yeah. ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Come on! Bloody Hugo having a bloody heart attack. Do what I do ` turn a disaster into an opportunity. How? You could get a job somewhere else, or... or you could buy the bar yourself. Eh? You could! You're al` already running the place. Why not own it? I'm still paying my mum back at $10 a week for a round-the-world plane ticket I didn't use. You could get a business loan. I know it's a big commitment but` (GROANS) What? The C word. What if I put everything into that bar and then... see a better bar? It's like I'll always be behind the one bar, not free to try other bars, and I just don't know if I'm r... What? You do have a serious problem with commitment. (EXHALES) Scares the shit out of me. (CHUCKLES) Not with us, though. But it was scary at first, right? Terrifying. But no regrets. (SNORES SOFTLY) (CONTINUES SNORING) INTRIGUING MUSIC No! What? It's 9:23! Huh? I slept through my appointment. My alarm didn't go off! It's not even set. I checked it three times. Bummer. Azza, did you do something to my alarm? I... don't know. Oh my God, you sabotaged my termination. Why would I do that? You tell me. OK, we haven't talked about it` PHONE RINGS I haven't told you that I` It's them. Hello? (SIGHS) I'm so sorry my alarm didn't go off, but can I make a new appointment? Hey. How did it go? Great... if I want a car or a computer or a jet ski. They won't help me buy the Playground. You could try other banks. Like they said, I don't have any assets or security. Bugger. Hmm. Sorry, Dave. Hey, it's not over yet. Hey, Mum! Yeah, good, great. How about you? Yes, I... (WHISPERS) am still with Cara. (SIGHS) Hey, do you and Dad wanna lend me some money to buy the bar? What's funny about that? I give up. They gave me a mortgage, and I'm totally useless. They need security, and my scooter doesn't count. You need a house. I don't have one of those. But I do. I'm probably too young to own my own business anyway. You can use this place as security. I can't do that. Hey, I'm putting my money where my mouth is. The C word. Ew. She means commitment. Ta-da! I believe in you. I love you. I'll just... Don't sell the bar. I know you're attached` Let me buy in. I've had a look through the figures and come up with a fair price. I can't afford the payments on the whole thing, but I can cover half. You wanna buy half the Playground? We'll be business partners. You know it's not all fun and games being the boss. I know, but I'm ready to commit. I'll ask the chef to make you a salad. Thanks, doll. Hugo hired me to be his caregiver. Do you need a caregiver? No. Anyway, what do you reckon? So, you give me a lump sum of cash, I keep half the profits and you do all the work? (CROAKS) Done. PHONE RINGS Got it? I got it. Oh, the insurance company. Yay, about time. Cara Gray speaking. I'm sorry? WHISPERS: What's happened? Yes. Yes, I` I'll check and call you straight back. Thank you. What? They're trying to say we didn't pay our premium. What?! They're saying we're not insured! Bullshit. I know! I remember writing the cheque out. You totally wrote the cheque out. We both signed the form, I put it into an envelope and I gave it to you to post. You did post it, didn't you? Of course I did, with a birthday card for my Mum. You did? I remember, cos I put it under the floor mat in my car when I went to the gym, so that no one would break into the car and... Oh... Fat hairy balls. What? (SIGHS) Now I know why my Mum never thanked me for the book voucher. Oh shit, I am so sorry, Cara. Oh my God. We're not insured. It's OK. Like you said, it's not a disaster; it's an opportunity. No. No, this is a bloody disaster. I've maxed my credit card getting new stuff and I` I, um` we're so screwed. How could you not post the cheque? It's not my fault! I` Then whose fault is it? That's not fair! I shouldn't have been in charge of posting the cheque. You know I'm not good at those things. Oh, don't give me that shit. Cut me some slack, Cara. I was really upset because of Dylan. Stop it. Stop blaming everyone else for your mistakes. This is your bloody fault, and I'm sick of it. Don't`! No. You crash and burn your way through everyone's lives, and you never take any responsibility! You can talk. Sorry? You're neat and organised and tidy and on to it. Not any more! You have a whole house full of people who care about you. No job, no income, no everything that I ever worked for, everything that I left my kids at home for year after year. You've destroyed all of that. I don't wanna see you any more, Jen. I always wanted to work with babies or children, so I did Camp America. Uh-huh. And all the teenagers there were so rich and spoilt that they gave me all the designer clothes they didn't want ` it was so great. But like I said, I wasn't in it just for the expensive hand-me-downs. Oh goody. It's Julia. Ah, this is the ex-wife? I am his wife, without the 'ex'. I'm Xandra, with an X. Step away, you gold-digging little whore. Really, Phillip? This is what you're doing? Eh? This is going too far! I'm having a quiet drink with friends. That's all. I'm not with him, if that's what you're thinking. I'm with Hugo. Yeah, she's with me. Not like that. He pays me. N-No, not like` not like that. (LAUGHS) Oh my God. I'm s` I'm so sorry. I can't... (LAUGHS) I can't believe I thought that` I mean, that's` it's ridiculous, really. What do you want, Julia? Oh, what does anyone want at a bar? A drink would be nice. You always said this place was a dive. No I didn't. And why are you with these people? Don't you have friends of your own? Actually, no, I don't. Because the last 10 years, I've been pussy-whipped by you, doing whatever you said, going wherever you wanted, being friends with whoever you chose ` never anyone interesting. You made all the rules and never listened to anything I said! And you're still not listening! I am never coming home, and I want a goddam divorce! DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Oh shit. Jules! Jules! I'm sorry to be harsh, but I've gotta get the message through. We can't keep doing this. We... (INHALES) We have to move on. ROBOTICALLY: Message received. Well, good. If we can just get this done as quickly and quietly as` LAUGHING: Quickly and quietly? Absolutely. It'll be so quick and so quiet you won't even see it coming. Bye, Phillip. I always said she was unhinged. A complete space cadet. Mummy and Jen had a fight! Serious? But you never fight. It's OK. It'll be OK. And guess what else? Mummy doesn't have any work any more. Sweetheart, you don't need to worry about that. If you don't need to go to work, you can come to my soccer game. (CHUCKLES) Uh, hello? I think Mum's work is more important than stupid soccer. No it's not. Yes it is. No! Yes! Quiet! Hey! Hey. We are on, babe, thanks to you. Mwah! What? You need to start again. Take a loan out against your house and rebuild the spa. No. You take a loan against my house. Your career is more important. No, yours is. You're 24. You're just starting out. I already started out and that didn't go very well. But you can try again. That's the thing. (SIGHS) I don't know if I want to. It doesn't have to be with Jen. Start your own business, on your own. But it was all about her and me... doing it together. Two best friends. And now I... I just don't know. I want her to be happy, but she wants me to be happy, so` Thanks. We're kind of arguing over who should be happy. I always thought having a relationship was about having a regular shag, but it's more than that. On a good day. So what do I do? Do I say yes? Do I borrow against her house? Definitely not. You don't want to have your assets tied up together. If everything turns to poo you'll` It won't. But if they do` Not gonna. I used to be idealistic too, Dave. But now the former love of my life is going to screw me for every cent. Cara and I will never be like that. Maybe you're right. She's no Julia. But... But there is a way you can buy into the bar without borrowing against Cara's house. Yeah? BRAKES SQUEAK Marion's got the people mover because she's picking up the kids, and I can't fit this... Phil's putting the money up for the bar. What? A personal loan. Why? Because he's a good guy. And maybe he's tying up his cash so Julia can't get her hands on it. I don't have to borrow against your house. You can do that. Great. Well, you don't sound very stoked. Sorry. Great news about the bar. But I still don't know if I can face starting the business again. Then don't. I still have to pay the bills. I can support us. What? No` I'm a business owner now. The big cheese. Let me do this. Let me take care of you. And the kids? Yes, and the kids. Commitment, right? But... No buts! Let me be the man, the breadwinner. At least until you find a new dream. OK? OK. Yes! BOTH LAUGH Welcome aboard. (HEAVES) Oh shit! You OK? SOBS: No, I'm not. I'm so sorry. (SNIFFS) I hate crying, hate it. There is nothing wrong with crying. Crying is a natural thing. Oh, was it something you ate? (GROANS) I wish. I` I'm pregnant. Sorry. I should've said something, but I'm` Fantastic news! Congratulations. But... (SCOFFS) what about the job? Well, I don't discriminate against the pregnant. But if you're not feeling well, then you really should have your own office. I'll move Fran out of hers. She'll complain, but she's not with child. I get special treatment? It's a special time. . UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Hey. Thanks for coming. Sorry for staying away. I'm sorry you felt you had to. I slept in my car last night. Oh, Jen. Oh, Dylan, it's so good to see you. Oh. Hi, guys. Hiya. Have you told her? Told me what? Well, I asked you to meet because we wanted to have a word. It's silly you staying at Cara's all the time while you're paying the mortgage at our place` Oh no, it's OK. I'm not gonna stay there. ... so we thought Bianca-Faye could buy your share of the house. What?! No way! I found that house. It's mine. It's my house. I found it. W-Well, the alternative is that you buy Dylan out, if you can afford it. We were friends. I listened to you when you cried on my shoulder. I killed a mouse for you, I broke up with a hot guy for you, and you just dump me, for him! Dumped you? I was in love with you, you arsehole! But I'm gay. I know! Yes, I'm a loser, and I ruin everything. Like I said, Jen, I... I can't do this anymore. Bubbly for you. Come on. All signed and done. Yeah, I'm gonna be the boss! Co-boss. Dave tells me you're gonna chuck in the massage biz. She is going to be a kept woman. I'm going to be a mum. Parent interviews, soccer, just hanging out with the kids and talking to them and knowing what's going on in their lives. So that when I get home, she'll be all mine. I don't know you, and no offence, but I don't see how letting a man support you is a positive decision. Mm. Thanks for the feedback, uh` Hugo, I need some money for the shopping. What'd you say your name was? Oh, Xandra with an X. Xandra, like zzzzzzz. You're welcome. Hey, I'm proud of you, Dave. About time you grew up. You know you're gonna be behind this bar 24-7, right? I'll make it work. That's what you do when life chucks disasters at you ` you turn them into opportunities. That's so wise. Bugger it. I've got something to say, and I'm gonna say it! To Betty, not to you guys. DOOR SLAMS > I know we're young and dumb, but you've got a job now and maybe there's something I can do too. Like be a dad. Cos I wouldn't mind staying at home and teaching the kid how to play Trash-Truck Smashdown and showing and playing cricket with it. Maybe being a dad might be the thing I'm good at. So let's have this kid. OK. Pardon? OK, we'll have the kid. Holy shit. But I'm only doing it for the paid maternity leave and stuff. Yeah, yeah, and you want to make a person with me. And I'm not changing a nappy or getting up in the middle of the night. I know. (GAGS, GROANS) And I still don't want pizza or sex. (VOMITS) HOPEFUL MUSIC I know this is a bit weird, but... can we talk about your spare room? Yes, I made a mistake, but she doesn't have to be so mean. Hmm. Well, it's not like she hasn't made any mistakes in her life. People think she's so nice, but sometimes she's not. Ha! Try growing up with her. The mean sister, people used to call me. Well, that sucks. Thank you. I've never had a flatmate before. It'll be fun. I'm just glad I don't have to live with crazy people anymore. Mm, and it's good you're here, because you can help me brainstorm. Brainstorm? Phillip. I'm taking the bastard down, all the way. Cheers. Ha. GLASSES CLINK (GIGGLES) (SIGHS) I still feel weird about Jen. You don't need her. You've got me. < WHIMPERING, SCREAMING (SCREAMS) Come back, human sacrifice! Everyone shut up! I'm trying to talk. Oh, Mum, can I go to Australia next school holidays and stay with my boyfriend? What? No! Not fair! What's going on? It sounds like a herd of elephants. It's the alarm guys. You have to go back in? Sorry. (ROARS) (SCREAMS) Stop it! Scarlett! Put him down! Don't be sorry. I'll come with you. All secure. Great. Shall we go home? Mm, not just yet. BROODS' 'L.A.F' PLAYS # Kissing in the hallway. # Fragments of a lost love # dissolve into the night. Really? # And I'll never get this feeling out of my head. Well, you are the boss, so... yeah, we can. (LAUGHS) # Blood hits the pavement from your eyes, # under the streetlights, # but I've got you. # Your restless limbs are goin' wild. # They're comin' for mine, # cos they've got you. # Captions by Tariqa Satherley. Edited by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015