Firstly, congratulations to constables Savali, Stevens, Lumsky, and Parker, for successfully removing a cow from a tree on Friday morning. Big news day, that one. Great job, guys. Now, which brings me to today. There's been another cow found up another tree. Minogue, O'Leary, I want the two of you on this one. (SIRENS IN DISTANCE) (JARRING MUSIC) ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Captions by Maeve Kelly. Edited by Glenna Casalme. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 Hold on, guys. (CLEARS THROAT) (BEEP! BEEP!) Voice recognition. Detective Sergeant Maaka. IMITATES AUTOMATED VOICE: Voice recognised. Proceed. You heard it? Another cow up another tree. This cannot be a coincidence. Is that paranormal? Is it normal? Yeah, no, but is it paranormal, though? I'm asking, is it normal? Is it paranormal? Hmm. But is it normal? Well, no, it's not very normal. But is it paranormal? I see what you're saying. But... is it... normal? Have a look at this. (CLEARS THROAT) It'll just be a couple of kids out in the country, nothing to do, being a bit silly with a forklift. That is a rather large forklift, if you ask me. Hmm. It's possible that the cow was just standing really still in a field for a really long time, and then the tree has just grown up around it over a period of years. I was just giving options. Anyway, this is, to my mind, some sort of extraterrestrial activity. If you see here, the cow got stopped mid-abduction. Let me demonstrate. (CLEARS THROAT) This plate here is an unidentified flying object; this saveloy, the cow; this being the tree. (CLEARS THROAT) My theory is that the UFO used some kind of gravitational pull device, otherwise known as a tractor beam. The cow was asleep at the time, being pulled into mid-air. (IMITATES UFO, DISTRESSED MOOING) Right about here, it gets a bit too heavy, so... (IMITATES UFO MALFUNCTION) We're a bit concerned for you, Sarge. For me? You should be more concerned for these poor cows stuck up these trees. Get out to that farm. And, uh, one more thing. (CLEARS THROAT) If you thought it was weird on the streets of Wellington, it is far weirder out in the country. (DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS) You reckon we're alone out here, O'Leary? In the country? Nah. Like, in the universe. The great beyond. Are you talking about the existence of aliens? I think there might be something out there, yeah. Yeah, well, you're a bit out there. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. You're a bit out there. Got you back with a clever insult there. It's not really a clever insult. You just repeated what I said. Oh, yeah. I thought it sounded familiar. Anyway, if there were aliens, I'm pretty sure they'd have better things to do` Hey, whoa, whoa` ...than put cows up trees and probe people's anuses. Maybe. It's not a footpath, mate. Hey, mate. Yeah, I know. Are you all right? Yeah... Are you a bit hung-over, mate? Eh? Bit hung-over. Look, why don't you just get yourself home, and you look after yourself, OK? Yeah, OK. A few Powerades for you, I think, mate. Perfect. Yeah. Catch you later. Been on a stag do, obviously. Well, looked like he had a pretty good time. (CHUCKLES) Time of his life. He stunk. (BIRDSONG) Someone on this field out here, O'Leary. (COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) Let's go check it out. Yeah, so we're here investigating the unusual cow activity. Obviously, cows don't belong in trees` No. This hat feels small. ...so we're out here to stop them from being put up there and being put in distress. Here. You always give me your hat. They look the same, though, don't they? (COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) It's really important that the community remembers that bovines, they belong on the ground and never in a tree. Not in the tree. Now, hang on. That's the tree. No cow. No. Is that...? No, that was a bird. Are you, uh,... 'Muzza'? Muzza. That's correct. Do I know you from somewhere? (COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) Just been called out to investigate a possible cow-treeing. Yeah, we can't help but notice there's, uh` Well, there's no cow in the tree now. Oh, yeah. There was a cow in the tree. That's why police here. Uh, yeah. Well, look, it's really great you managed to get the cow down by yourself. We didn't actually come with resources to help you with that. All right. Thank you. Bye. See you, mate. Hang on, hold on. Hold on. Um, could we just get a bit more information about that photo you sent us? Yeah. So have you, uh` have you noticed anything unusual around the farm? Yeah. Here, O'Leary. Scuse me just a minute, sir. Right back. SOFTLY: I don't trust this guy. Why not? Well, he talks with that monotone. It's a little bit... It's disconcerting. That's how farmers talk, Minogue. Just have some respect. Yeah, but` I'm not coming. Yeah, sorry about that. We're just wondering ` how do you think the cow did get into the tree? Brother put bovine cow in the tree. And why would he do something like that? Can you just tell us how we can get to your brother's farm, please, sir? Yeah. Move in this direction with bipedal walking. Sib-zing's house five minutes away. OK. It's this way? That way. All right. Thank you. All right. We'll make sure we get to the bottom of this for you, sir. Have a nice rest of your day. Make sure you get to the bottom of this. (SINISTER MUSIC) Well, he was unusual. They're all like this in the country, Minogue. (UNSETTLING MUSIC) So how long's that been? 45 minutes. It certainly wasn't five. There's no way it was five. We could have brought the car. Sorry, sir. I think we've, uh` we've accidentally come back to the same place. Who are you? Ah. Um, look, we're just here asking a couple of questions about a possible cow-treeing incident. Your brother's actually accused you of being responsible. Could we have a wee, you know, just a look around your property? Oh, yeah. Eh? Move towards the mysterious field of corn. (COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) I'll herd you. OK, great. You'll find the answers that you need. Oh, that's great. (TENSE MUSIC) Uh, we can probably take it from here, sir. Thanks for your help. Thanks, mate. No, no, so` Yeah. We'll be in touch if we've got any more questions. Thank you. You can go. Thanks, mate. Thanks, mate. Thanks. (TENSE MUSIC INTENSIFIES) I think that brother is the freakier brother. My brother's pretty freaky. You met Adam? You introduced me to him. Huh. It's a small world, isn't it? That's not a coincidence, Minogue. You introduced me to him. Exactly, and you grew up in completely different places, so how`? Hey, Minogue. Check that out. Whoa. * So, uh, we appear to have come across a large circle within some crops. We're not quite sure what to call it. Mm. Actually looks like the cover of Led Zeppelin's Remasters album. Great album. It's an amazing album. There's a lot of rockers on there, which you can really get into. Yeah, like in the car. Yeah. Some really good tunes on that one, eh? Oh, it's one of my favourites. Not only did we listen to it there ` and I haven't told you this before ` I've got this nice flokati rug that my mother bought me for Christmas, so I get down into my, uh` my underwear and my singlet there, and I just lie on my back and just sort of do a snow angel... Minogue` ...and just sort of pretend even` ...we should probably get in there and have a closer look at that. Yep. No, that's a fair call. I mean, it's a good album, but... That's a fair call. (COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) Someone's gone to a lot of trouble. Yeah, although... Either that, or Sergeant Maaka is right and it's, you know... What? Aliens? SOFTLY: Extra-terresticles. Well, it's very disrespectful to land in some perfectly good crops when there's heaps of empty fields over there. (COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) Mm. And I haven't liked farm crops ever since I got lost in the Amazing Maze 'n Maize in Marton. What's that, Minogue? See, it's a labyrinth that was made out of corn. No, what's that? There's one there. There's one over there, over there... They're everywhere. Look at this. What is it? Ever seen one of these before? What is that? I dunno. Have you seen one? No. I've never seen it. Poke it. Poke it? Yeah. All right. (SQUELCH! WHOOSH!) Argh! Oh God. Ow! You all right? No, not really, it` Ow, that really burns. Ow! (COUGHS) Bloody hell, she just... My eyes! Ow. ...just poked it. (SQUELCH! WHOOSH!) Argh! (COUGHS) Oh, what did you do, Minogue? You all right? Why did you do what I just did? CHOKES: You know I look up to you, O'Leary. Yeah, come on. (GROANS) I think I'm blind. Look, follow me. Let's get this back to Sergeant Maaka. (TENSE SWELLS) What the hell is it? We came across this, um` this pod. It didn't actually look like that when we found it, did it? (SQUELCH!) I don't think it was moving before. On further investigation` You advised that I give it a bit of a poke, to see` Yep. ...what it was all about, and at that point, it sort of emanated this sort of powdery substance into my face, at which point, you came on board. Pretty much blinded O'Leary, so I removed the pod from her hand immediately to try and make her a little bit safer. (SQUELCH!) I commenced my own investigation shortly afterwards, which involved me also sticking my fingers right into the middle of it. He did the same thing that I did. I did the same thing and was shocked when I got exactly the same result. We just wanted to let you know we found this pod, and there were others like it within, like, a circular pattern within some crops. Mm-hm. Mm. So... You mean like perfectly designed concentric circles within some sort of interlocking pattern? Yup. Depending on what that means. Uh, crop circles. OK, did it look like Led Zeppelin's Remasters? Yes. That's a great album. Agreed. (CHUCKLES) I knew it. You` You knew what, sir? Oh, that crop circles are plantation zones for alien vegetation. Have you got some more information on these things? Oh, no. Just telling my mates online that I was right. 'Was right about popsicle theory. More to come. What's up?' Sir, just the other thing... The seed ` it seemed to attack us. Mm. Almost as if it was defending itself. Mm. I believe this is not of this world. I want you to go and stake out this farm. There's definitely something sinister going on in the country. OK. So, go back to that farm? Mm. OK. And what are we looking for, specifically? I want you to look for changes in the vegetation. I want you to look for UFOs. Definitely let me know if you see an alien. Oh. Yeah, we'd definitely let you know if we saw an alien, sir. Mm. I've got a question. Yes? If we identify a UFO, does that just mean it's an FO? Hmm. Why don't, uh` Why don't you F-O? 'You F-O'. Ha. I think he wants us to go. 'You F-O.' Yeah. (TENSE MUSIC) (SQUELCH!) (OWL HOOTS, CRICKETS CHIRP) O'Leary and I are on the lookout for alien activity. We're not scared. We're actually quite excited. It's a real waiting game with this kinda stuff. We could be out here all night and not spot anything. That's just how it goes. WHISPERS: O'Leary. O'Leary! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Oh my God. It's an FO! (DRAMATIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES) O'Leary... So, uh, we were in pursuit of what we believed to be a UFO. just left the police lights on. (PANTS) Thought it would help us find the car. We did find it, so, you know, he wasn't wrong. Yeah. And I think we can probably just carry on. You can probably turn those lights off. Looks like it's draining the battery. Shutting it down. Shutting it down. (METALLIC CLANKING) Do you hear that? (GROANING) There! Bazza?! Muzza! I think he might be a triplet. He looks a little bit different. Sir! Buzza! He's running now. We're gonna have to run. What are you doing, sir? You look extremely suspicious when you're running, mate` Stop right there! ...especially when you're naked! We don't wanna have to tackle you! Um, so we're not quite sure if we've caught Muzza or Bazza here. He's very confused and doesn't seem to remember any of our previous conversations. Mm. I mean, the only thing he can really be done for is indecent exposure, but this is his farm, so... You're allowed to be naked on your own property. Huh. Yep. Go on, now. So you are allowed to be naked on your own property? Yeah. So... Well, not your one. I mean, you don't even have a fence. Well, yeah, that's true, but I have tried it a couple of times. My brother said he'd call the cops on me. Who did? Your brother? Well, he's my flatmate. (BUSHES RUSTLE NEARBY) Said you're free to go, mate. Yeah, sir, just return home and get` maybe put some undies on. He's bloody gone. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What...? Sarge said record any changes. These have got huge. Maybe my cow-treeing theory wasn't so ridiculous after all, eh? The tree didn't grow around the cow, Minogue. OK? Always poo-pooing my theories. Look, let's just get some photographic on these, OK? (CAMERA CLICKS) Yep, that's good. Get one with a hat on it. Look like a plant. Good. Look scared. Beautiful. That should do it. (BUSHES RUSTLE) Turn around, Minogue. Ugh! (UNSETTLING MUSIC) (BUSHES RUSTLE, CREATURES RASP) The plants are behind you, Minogue. Why are you following us, guys? That's corn, Minogue. Those plants. (CREATURE SHRIEKS) Ugh. What is that? Think it might be acid. Is it acid? So you can see there that the plant's got acid all over my jacket and has completely ruined it, which is a total lack of respect for another person's property. So I'm gonna have to turn this jacket into a vest. OK, that does actually look like acid, which is quite concerning. I mean, these plants could be very dangerous. Look at it. Look at that. (CREATURES HISS) WHISPERS: Minogue... WHISPERS: This jacket's stuffed. They're coming. I think we should go. Go. Come on. Go, go, go. (OMINOUS MUSIC) There's so much corn. It's a dead end, Minogue. What? (CREATURE SNARLS) Not this way. Let's go up this way. Back this way. I'm gonna be too late. I've lost my hat. (POLICE RADIO CRACKLES) Calling for backup, calling for backup. It's not gonna work; we're too far away. We're out of range. Look, well` Calling for backup! Can you hear us? Stand on your tiptoes. What? WHISPERS: Stand on your tiptoes. It'll get us further. No, you do it. I can't stand on your tiptoes. They're your feet. Just use your radio, Minogue! (GRUMBLES) I need to retrieve my hat. I'm retrieving my hat. (POLICE RADIO CRACKLES) Calling for backup, calling for backup. Minogue, where are you? Look at this jacket. Did you` Did anyone reply? I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about my` * (DRAMATIC MUSIC) They're coming, O'Leary. We've gotta exit the field. (CREATURE SHRIEKS) Huh. Good. Oh, what's this? (SQUELCHING) Ugh. You should be used to this by now, mate. What? Seeing three freaky plants eating a cow? Well, yeah, that is actually quite unusual. So it would appear that the plants are carnivorous. Or omnivorous. We haven't actually seen them eat any plant or vegetable matter, but it is possible that their diet isn't strictly carnivorous. I mean, we'd like to make an arrest for tampering with livestock, but it's very unclear what proper procedure is here. I mean, I don't care if you are from another planet. If you come to New Zealand, you should respect our rules. Yeah, but there's not a lot more we can do here, so I think we should just quietly make our way back to the station and hand over those photos to Sergeant Maaka, get some more information on these things. That's a fantastic idea. I think if we get out of here as fast and safely as we can. And calmly. Absolutely. (CREATURES RASP, BUSHES RUSTLE) Ugh! (POLICE RADIO CRACKLES) Calling for backup, calling for backup. HISSES: Calling for backup. Are you repeating me? SNARLS: Are you repeating me? That's just repeating what she's saying, mate. It's not a clever insult at all. MIMICS: It's not a clever insult at all. It's outsmarted me, O'Leary. (SHRIEKS) Calling for backup. Calling for backup! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (RASPS) RT: Minogue, O'Leary, can you hear me? Over. Yes, yes, we can. Where are you, Maaka? We need you. We need backup. Yeah, I` I'm right here. Oh. Oh. The range on these walkie-talkies is really terrible, eh? INTO RADIO: Can you hear me? Is it`? It's right there. Yeah, seems to be working. How did you know to come after us? The alien pod in my office grew rather large and proceeded to attack me in a violent and threatening manner. Got unruly, so I had to detain it. Anyway, I brought this along. All right, officers, let's go take out these weeds. There. Cover your noses. (CREATURE RASPS, SPITS) Oh! Argh! (COUGHS) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Abort! Abort! I got it in my` (COUGHS, CHOKES) I got it in my eyes! I've got it in my mou` (CHOKES) What I have ascertained from this encounter is that these things are a hostile, intelligent extraterrestrial flora. Was pursuing aliens. Now I'm being pursued by aliens. (HISSES) The extremely dangerous weed spray is highly ineffective. It gets them, and, uh, they keep copying us. MIMICS: And, uh, they keep copying us. Shut up. I'm gonna see how these plants react to a Taser. (ZAP! SPLAT!) (THWACK! SIZZLE!) GASPS: The plants` can tase back. (SNARLS) Argh! (SHRIEKS) (GRUNTS) Sarge. Sarge! I'm kinda busy, Minogue! Can I get some backup when you've got a minute, please, Sarge? (GROANS, GRUNTS) O'Leary! They're trying to track us. They're trying to track us. Look! There's one, there. Sarge, we need backup. Argh! MIMICS: Argh! Minogue, O'Leary, put your hands up! They're intimidated by size. (CREATURE SHRIEKS) (GRUNTS) Bad information. Argh! They're probing us now` Ah! They're touching us. We're being probed, Sarge! (GRUNTS) It's the bad kind of touching, Sarge! MIMICS: Bad kind of touching, Sarge. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (MIMICS SCREAMING, SHRIEKS) Sarge! When we're afraid, they're afraid. Right. Be afraid. Be very afraid. (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) OK. OK, now! (SHOUTING) (SHRIEKS) OK, now. Go, go, go! Get, get. (PANTS) Get` Get! (SNARLING) Stay there, you bastard. Did we manage to secure them all? (SNARLS) No. (BIRDSONG, COW MOOS IN DISTANCE) So, we've taken care of some, uh, intruders on your property. What kind of intruders? Uh... Just, um` Just intruders. Also, you might wanna think about doing a bit more spraying around the farm, OK? Some of it's getting a little bit out of hand. Mm. It might just be to your benefit. And you might just wanna stay out of the shed for a while. SIGNIFICANTLY: Mm. Ah. Sister? Nah. This is my wife, Sharon. Hmm. OK, well, look. I mean, um` We should probably... Ah. We should probably be going. Um, yeah. But, like we said, just let us know if you notice anything, um... anything weird. Yeah. Will do. Thank you for your time. SOFTLY: Do you think they might have been a family... before they became a family? You know what I mean? I don't know. I mean, it can happen to have the smaller gene pool, but that was... ...unbelievable. ...something else. Were they quadruplets and some of them just grew faster than others? Yeah, so, we've diffused the threat in the situation, and it` Are you off, Sarge? Ah, yep. Great job. Uh, yeah. So we've diffused the threat in the situation, and everything appears to be back to normal. Obviously, these plants aren't endemic to New Zealand, and we'll get the Department of Conservation to investigate. Oh, you're back, Sarge. Yep, I'm here. And we need to make sure that they're not a threat to local flora. You never know, could have been trekked in on a tourist boot, something like that. Mm. The important thing is that the people are safe` Mm-hm. ...and the cows are safe. And people and cows can rest assured that the New Zealand police force` You know, we take this sort of thing very seriously. (WHIRRING) And our eyes, our ears are always open. (DISTRESSED MOOING) We'll be working very hard to make sure that the New Zealand public know that they don't have to worry about this sort of thing happening again. (ZOOM!) Can't see anyone else handling that any better than we did. Let's head back, eh? The battery's flat. Car 4 to base. We've got a battery down, a battery down. If we could have some assistance on-site as soon as possible. Thank you. Out. So, Minogue... Mm-hm? ...the battery's flat. Mm. Yep. That runs off the battery. Yeah, I know. I got someone coming out. They can't hear us. That` Hang on. Calling for backup. Copy, O'Leary. Go ahead for assistance. Did you just talk to me on that? (GROANS) Yeah. Leave it to me. Copy that. ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Copyright Able 2018