(GRUNTS) Come on, baby. (GRUNTS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh. THE VEILS' 'ANOTHER NIGHT ON EARTH' # I went out walking in the night under the cover of a riot. # And I came upon a faded sign, and then everything went quiet. Oh, I saved you some dinner. (BREATHES HEAVILY) # ...just for another night on this earth? # Is it worth it if I get hurt # just for another night on this earth? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What do you think? Quiz night. What are you doing here? What do you think? Quiz night. But it's my night. Well, you must've got your weeks mixed up ` preggy brain. There's nothing wrong with my brain. There's nothing wrong with my brain. It is Emma's night. What's it got to do with you? What's it got to do with you? Well, she was home last week, so it's her night. What is she even doing here? What is she even doing here? Nicky's come because it's my night. It's not your night, and it's my bloody team. It's not your night, and it's my bloody team. But we agreed to share. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Tell her it's my night. Actually, I think it's Emma's. Are you sure? Are you sure? We bonussed on sport last week, so... But you're here now, so why don't you both play? But you're here now, so why don't you both play? Bugger that. Hey, Brian. How's it going? Hey, Brian. How's it going? See ya. Hmmm. I'm picking awkward. # The stars came out once the lights went out. And I could not speak, so I had to shout. # And then the moon passed sadly by. # Question nine in It Takes Two ` which two countries in South America do not share a border with Brazil? We were very clear about week on, week off, so how could he just forget? He's been burning the candle at both ends. Or he was just being an arse. Or he was just being an arse. Which two countries in South America do not share a border with Brazil? Shit. Chile? This is where Brian would have come in handy. This is where Brian would have come in handy. Let's say Chile and... ...Argentina. ...Argentina. I think it's Ecuador. ...Argentina. I think it's Ecuador. Do you teach geography? I went back-packing in South America with my ex-girlfriend. I went back-packing in South America with my ex-girlfriend. Nice. So, when do we get to meet your new mystery man? If you met him, there'd be no mystery. It's a shame you couldn't work things out with Richard. It's a shame you couldn't work things out with Richard. Oh, it's all for the best ` fresh start, a whole new me. Question 10 ` Kramer vs Kramer starred which actors as the divorcing couple? Dustin Hoffman. Dustin Hoffman. Meryl Streep. While you're getting your answers in, a reminder that teams from The Beagle are off to a fundraiser quiz night in the 'Tron this Friday for a very good cause. Proud. Too right! One for the spazzos! Too right! One for the spazzos! Yeah, you'd know, Cory. It is for a good cause. And I do have the account, so... Ah, but who gets custody of Hamilton? How do you mean? How do you mean? Well, it is a Friday not a Tuesday, and it is Brian's turn. I don't mind. I don't mind. I'll check with Brian, see what he wants to do. see what he wants to do. Fine. Just let me know so I can confirm the motel. Sports is next. Sports is next. (GROANS) Sports is next. (GROANS) We'll just have to soldier on. I'm sure you'll be masterful. Question eight ` Liam Messam plays for which Super Rugby team? Question eight ` Liam Messam plays for which Super Rugby team? Chiefs. Question nine ` name the coach of the Silver Ferns. Question nine ` name the coach of the Silver Ferns. Waimarama Taumaunu. Well done. Well done. Nicky is head of sports at school. Well done. Nicky is head of sports at school. I used to play rep netball. Not cricket? Not cricket? No, but it's still a good dyke sport ` and way better uniforms. Question 10 ` in the game of snooker, the black is worth how many points? Seven. Seven. Acing it. Seven. Acing it. See? We don't need Brian after all. And our final scores ` Two Short planks on 80 points, Marathon Men on 85, but the winners,... Sex on a Stick on 89! Shame. Shame. Oh, he is such a sore loser. We so did it! We so did it! Another juice? We so did it! Another juice? Well, we do have a bar tab. Anyone else? Anyone else? We're fine. So, that's the famous Nicky? You could've stayed at mine. You could've stayed at mine. You had stuff to deal with and Nicky had a spare room. and Nicky had a spare room. And are you sure her interests are purely platonic? (CHUCKLES) Yes. So, how are you going? So, how are you going? I'm feeling great. I've enrolled for my MA. Ooh. Ooh. Well, you'll be a bit busy. Ooh. Well, you'll be a bit busy. Brian will help, won't he? Well, we haven't really talked about it. He's been a bit difficult. Well, we haven't really talked about it. He's been a bit difficult. Well, you did walk out on him. I did what I had to. I did what I had to. I'm not criticising. I did what I had to. I'm not criticising. It kind of sounded like it. I can't help feeling a bit sorry for the old bastard. I can't help feeling a bit sorry for the old bastard. I'm sure Brian will be fine. Cheers for that, Shona. Cheers for that, Shona. No problem. Hey there. Hey there. Hi. You do know it's against the house rules for a beautiful woman to be drinking alone? I'm not alone. I was waiting for a friend. Hi. Hi. Hi. Well, um, can I get you both a drink? Well, um, can I get you both a drink? Sure. Three shots. Yeah, that was fun, but I couldn't do that every week. Yeah, that was fun, but I couldn't do that every week. Too boring? Oh, they all take it so seriously. It's, like, 'Whoa, dudes, it's just a game.' Yeah, but we took it, so Brian can suck on that. You know, I don't think he turned up by accident. You know, I don't think he turned up by accident. Mmm, maybe. Do you think he wants you back? Do you think he wants you back? What he really wants is the team. But he could have got mixed up. He's hopeless about dates unless he puts them on his phone. It's like he's really good with his clients, but anything else... It's like he's really good with his clients, but anything else... Hey, don't think about him. I wasn't. I wasn't. You're doing great, babe. I wasn't. You're doing great, babe. < CELL PHONE CHIMES Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Bossy minx. Who is it? Who is it? Someone I met last week ` Gemma. Demanding that I go around and finish off what I started. Demanding that I go around and finish off what I started. Mm. Are you going to? If that's cool with you. She is quite saucy. If that's cool with you. She is quite saucy. Sure. Have a good one. I'll be lucky if I get away with one. You tell that bubba to give you some sleep tonight. Night. Night. See ya. GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES I wish you could come in. I actually have an entire empty house. I can't. Celeste is probably waiting up so she can snub me. She's certainly got stamina. She's certainly got stamina. Well, I've only totally ruined her life, driven away her father. Which isn't actually true, but... it could be worse. I'd be happy with a quickie in the bushes. I'd be happy with a quickie in the bushes. (CHUCKLES) I think the neighbours might not be so keen. I think the neighbours might not be so keen. CELL PHONE RINGS Noah. Noah. I love you. And you are hotness personified. And you are hotness personified. I'll call you tomorrow. And you are hotness personified. I'll call you tomorrow. OK. Noah, what have you forgotten this time? Whoa, hang on. Slow down there, buddy. BABY CRIES BABY CRIES Sorry. We didn't know what to do. Mum won't come out of her room, and she just won't stop crying. Mum won't come out of her room, and she just won't stop crying. It's all right, mate. Could you see to him? She said anything at all? She said anything at all? No. Where's Adam? Where's Adam? I don't know. KNOCK AT DOOR Mac? Mac? Are you sick? I got a headache. The boys are worried. What's going on? The boys are worried. What's going on? You won't have any sympathy. Adam's left me. He what? He what? He's moved out. < Seriously? Why? Why? I don't want to... God, I feel like such an idiot. Do you want me to call someone? Andrea? Do you want me to call someone? Andrea? She's in Rarotonga with her sister. Do you want me to take the boys? Do you want me to take the boys? I don't know. I suppose. (CRIES) Right. Grab what you need. We're gonna head to my house. Right. Grab what you need. We're gonna head to my house. But what about Tobias? Bugger. TOBIAS CRIES There we go. TOBIAS CRIES TOBIAS STOPS CRYING Oh, thank Christ. Adam. It's Mac. Yeah, I do know what time it is. BIRDS CHIRP I never meant to hurt Jo, but about a month ago, my ex, Charlotte, came back. She'd been working for Oxfam as a project manager - Lovely. Lovely. Seeing her again, it was wham, you know, like the first day we met. We only broke up in the first place because she had to go overseas. We only broke up in the first place because she had to go overseas. Sure. You know what it's like. If you love someone, you have to follow your heart. Possibly. Possibly. Yeah, and I just wanted to be totally upfront with Jo, you know, not sneak around. you know, not sneak around. Like she did with me? I feel bad about that. I wanted Jo to tell you, but she said we had to wait because of the kids and... What, there are no kids now? What, there are no kids now? I know. Your guys are great dudes. I will definitely stay in touch. And Tobias? And Tobias? I love that guy, and I'm totally up for my share. Charlotte is so good with kids. She's so` Charlotte is so good with kids. She's so` What about Jo? I was just giving her some space. When I told her I was leaving, she... had a total meltdown. Mm. Thank you for being there for her. But I will deal with it... when she's calmed down. Good luck with that one. # We are born again. # We are born again. # LIGHT DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Shit. Hi. What's up? (CHUCKLES) So the tree-hugger finally came to his senses? He's in love, and he has to follow his heart, apparently. He's in love, and he has to follow his heart, apparently. Run like the wind, I say. There is a baby involved. There is a baby involved. Sure, but it's Jo and she's a cow. OK, fine. But do you want to do this Hamilton trip on Friday? OK, fine. But do you want to do this Hamilton trip on Friday? It is my turn. But if you do Friday, who does Tuesday? But if you do Friday, who does Tuesday? Gosh, it's all gone so complicated. It was my team in the first place. I'm not the one who walked out. It was my team in the first place. I'm not the one who walked out. We know. All I did was motorboat the chick and a bit of a pash, but... All I did was motorboat the chick and a bit of a pash, but... ALL: ...I did not go there. It's true. I didn't go there. You probably would have. You probably would have. But I didn't, not that Emma appreciates that. Did I tell you she checked my credit card statements? Did I tell you she checked my credit card statements? You did. Yeah, but there was nothing to find, because I wasn't putting it about. Yeah, but there was nothing to find, because I wasn't putting it about. Making up for lost time now. And what if I am? In fact, last night, I scored two very tasty ladies. You are incorrigible. You are incorrigible. You're missing the point. She made me. Emma forced you to have a threesome? Emma forced you to have a threesome? She left me, not the other way round. So you have a licence to screw. So you have a licence to screw. Or Emma's got new interests of her own. Like what? Like what? Nicky. She's her flattie. She's her flattie. Also gay. She's her flattie. Also gay. Bullshit. What gave it away? Chunky? Bad dresser? Nah, she's quite attractive. Nah, she's quite attractive. Definitely plays for the other team. Nah, she's quite attractive. Definitely plays for the other team. How do you know? She aced the sports round. She aced the sports round. (SCOFFS) I knew there was a reason why she didn't like me. And those lesbos, they'll root anything. And those lesbos, they'll root anything. A lot like you, Brian. We're just teasing. We're just teasing. But Emma's cut her hair off. So? So? It was probably Nicky's idea. Well, they don't let you on to the Isle of Lesbos with long hair. What are we going to do about Hamilton? What are we going to do about Hamilton? Leave it to me. I will sort it. Hey. I was thinking we could grab some lunch or something. I was thinking we could grab some lunch or something. Um` Look, there's some stuff we need to talk about. Look, there's some stuff we need to talk about. I'm busy. With Nicky? With Nicky? What? No. I've, I've got a staff meeting in five minutes. You shouldn't be working over your lunch break. You shouldn't be working over your lunch break. (SIGHS) I have a new job. I know. But you don't want to overdo it. Well, I'll be on maternity leave soon so... Well, maybe later. We could grab some dinner. I can't. I have my first antenatal class. Was I meant to come to that? Why didn't you tell me? I did tell you ` months ago when I booked it. But I didn't think you'd remember, so, really, just don't worry about it. Honestly, it's crazy. He comes one week, and she comes the next. And we like them both, but it's like we're walking on eggshells. And we like them both, but it's like we're walking on eggshells. That is pretty special. I will stop boring you with people you don't know. No, actually, I feel like I do know them. Well, at least I'm not the screw-up for a change. Well, at least I'm not the screw-up for a change. Hey. You are anything but that. I would like to take you right here right now. Same. So, what are you doing Friday night? I'm going to Hamilton with the team. I'm going to Hamilton with the team. Oh, shame. A window's opened up. A window's opened up. Well, you could come with me. I think that might be pushing things a little. I think that might be pushing things a little. Well, I'll bail, then. No. I don't want you to disappoint your team. How about right now? Sorry? Sorry? I'm thinking of going to the ladies, if you'd care to follow me. You are a wicked woman. Well, you've been very good to me. And I always return a favour. We're playing Starcraft upstairs if you want to come. We're playing Starcraft upstairs if you want to come. Not really. Come on. So, are you really moving to LA? So, are you really moving to LA? Eventually. LA? LA? She had a Skype call with Jules last night. So she's gonna live with him? So she's gonna live with him? No! Jules has a short-term gig. He's living in a hotel. But he's 'finding a place for them soon'. It just... drives me crazy the way he gets her hopes up. Oh, our wonderful exes. Adam has seriously left Jo? Adam has seriously left Jo? Seems that way. It must be a bit of a blow. There isn't a tiny part of you that thinks it's just desserts? There isn't a tiny part of you that thinks it's just desserts? Maybe just a nads. How long have you got the kids for? How long have you got the kids for? I'm not really sure. That was quick. That was quick. Can we go now? That was quick. Can we go now? No. I'm here to see Mac. I'll wait in the car, then. Oh God. Honestly. At least we have our romantic night to look forward to. At least we have our romantic night to look forward to. Ah, leafy Hamilton. Not Paris, but it'll do. Bye. CELL PHONE CHIMES (SIGHS) Bugger me. I'm Emma. I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and I'll be having my baby in hospital with the support of my friend Nicky. with the support of my friend Nicky. Kia ora, Emma, Nicky. And thank you, everyone, for sharing. Uh, tae kwon do's just down the hall. Uh, tae kwon do's just down the hall. I'm here for this. I'm with her. Kia ora. I'm Belinda. Kia ora. I'm Belinda. Gidday. Brian. Now that we've all got to know each other, we're going to move on to signs of labour and what we might expect in a normal delivery. It was so good of you to take the boys. It was so good of you to take the boys. No problem. You still OK to have them for the weekend? You mean am I going to wig out again? No. No. It's fine. Frank's at drama camp; Noah's staying with Jack. Anything to avoid the mad mother. Anything to avoid the mad mother. They're just busy with their lives. Do you want a cup of tea? Glass of wine? Do you want a cup of tea? Glass of wine? No, thanks. I owe you for last night. I so needed some sleep. Great. I understand I have something else to thank you for. Adam came round. He was quite reasonable. He's taken Tobias. Good. Good. Apparently, you gave him a talking to. Oh, I wouldn't call it that. I just didn't fancy another night on the couch. Well, I'm grateful. Tobias has been pretty unsettled, colicky and` Well, it's good that Adam's helping out. Yeah, I should probably` Well, it's good that Adam's helping out. Yeah, I should probably` There was, um, something else. It would be, uh, a great help if you could take the boys for a bit more. You want to change the agreement? You want to change the agreement? Just for the time being, if that's OK. Sure. I do appreciate your support. A lot of guys in your situation would run a mile... or thought I deserved it. Well, we still have joint interests. We do. We do. Yeah. Right. See ya. 1 WHISPERS: I didn't know we had to get dressed up. WHISPERS: We're not going to bed, Ron. We're going out. (ROLLER DOOR RATTLES) (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (IGNITION CLICKS, CAR WHIRRS) (MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE ON VIDEO) Hit it! (CAR POWERS UP) (EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY) (WHOOPS) # Lazy days... # (MEN LAUGH) Oh my Gawd! Hey! (SCREAMING) Yes, yes. I don't feel well. BOTH: What?! (TYRES SCREECH) (WOMEN LAUGH) There you go. (BOTH LAUGH) (ENGINE REVS) What have you got under the hood, bro? You wouldn't believe me. (TYRES SCREECH, MEN EXCLAIM, CAR WHIRRS) (BOTH LAUGH) (CLICKING) WHISPERS: See you tomorrow. WHISPERS: It is tomorrow. The main thing in this second stage is to stay relaxed, breathing. And you'll want to keep your fluids up ` glucose maybe or energy drinks. Or a pie. Or a pie. (CHUCKLES) Yes. No, really. The birth that I was at, a pie went down a treat. It is important to be responsive to your partner's needs. It is important to be responsive to your partner's needs. I didn't have a choice. I was just there in the thick of it. But it blows your mind, guys, you know, how that can come out of,... you know, that. But when it's done and dusted and you're looking at your little fella looking at you,... it's magic. Thank you for that, Brian. And now let's move on to some more practical ways of managing the pain. I'd like our ladies to sit on their mats and their partners sit behind them, like an armchair. We're going to do some breathing and relaxation, and partners are going to help. What are you doing? What are you doing? Well, I'm going to be at the birth. Who asked you? Who asked you? I did. So she can look up your va-jay-jay? So she can look up your va-jay-jay? Because I trust her and she's reliable. Jesus. For the last time, I did not go there. Is everything all right? Yeah, we're sweet. Yeah, we're sweet. No, we're not. Yeah, we're sweet. No, we're not. Please, just go. She should leave, not me. She should leave, not me. Piss off, Brian. You piss off. You piss off. Outside now. I won't be a minute. This is really unfair of you turning up. You're excluding me, inviting Licky Nicky. You're excluding me, inviting Licky Nicky. Brian! Well, it's not bloody on! Well, it's not bloody on! What?! So this is all about you? Look, I've got a right to be at the birth of my child. Look, I've got a right to be at the birth of my child. And you were so keen last time (!) I know I dragged the chain with Sonny Bill, but` I know I dragged the chain with Sonny Bill, but` Yeah, it was magical (!) It was! What, do you think I need to hear about that at my antenatal class? What, do you think I need to hear about that at my antenatal class? Oh, so this is all about you? I am the one having this baby, and I shouldn't feel stressed and upset. I am the one having this baby, and I shouldn't feel stressed and upset. I don't want you to either. Maybe you should have thought of that when you were motor-boating a slapper called Karyn. Right. So you're just punishing me all over again. Right. So you're just punishing me all over again. No! For the last time, I did not go there. But you wanted to. And if it wasn't her, it would've been someone else. You don't know that. You don't know that. I just couldn't stand the person I was turning into, OK? Jealous and insecure and someone you were stuck with. You're not` You're not` Since I've moved out, I am so much calmer and happier. I... I'm getting my life together. And what about our kid? And what about our kid? I'm not gonna stop you from having fair access. Access? Access? Yes. Access? Yes. That is so cold. We'll work something out, but it's how it is, and you need to get used to it. And what about Hamilton? And what about Hamilton? What about it? And what about Hamilton? What about it? Is Nicky going? Nicky doesn't want to go. She has an actual life. You go if you want. Nicky doesn't want to go. She has an actual life. You go if you want. You can have it. I really don't care. I really don't care. Nah, I'll bow out. I really don't care. Nah, I'll bow out. Fine. Can you please go now? PHONE RINGS Hey, it's Karyn here. I don't know if you remember ` we met up at Mangawhai a couple of months ago. I'm in town, and I just wondered if you wanted to catch up. Call me back if you want. Hey, Karyn. It's me, Brian. Yeah, good to hear from you. Oh my God, I was so shabby the next day. Oh my God, I was so shabby the next day. Me too. And how's your mate these days? Mac? Mac? Nige. He turned up at the bach the next day, really tried it on. You didn't. You didn't. I don't go for hairy chests, but my friend, however... What, the bride? What, the bride? Yeah. What, the bride? Yeah. What a goer! Anyway, uh, Nige gave me your number, said I should look you up cos you weren't all that happy. The bastard. The bastard. So it's all good, then? With your girlfriend. Nah. No, we broke up. Oh, that's a shame. Want another one? Want another one? Sure. Bourbon and dry. You know it's a good thing we didn't get it on that night. We were both way too munted. Yeah, well, we're not now. Yeah, well, we're not now. True. Well, one more drink and we head back to yours. I'm staying with a mate, Jen, on her sofa bed. Stink. Oh shit. Uh, where's the loo again? It's down the hall, turn left. What a durwit. This is really pretty. Do you have a kid? Do you have a kid? Kind of. I'll go find the bathroom. Promise not to get lost again. (SNORES) Hey there, sleepy. Hey, Brian, I have to go. What? What? I've got to go meet my friend Jen for brunch. Oh, right-oh. Oh, right-oh. I had a great time. Me too. Me too. So if you want to do it again, just call me. Sure. See ya. < DOOR CLOSES You had thirds. You had thirds. Seconds is for pussies. We could have a farting contest. We could have a farting contest. You are so on. We could have a farting contest. You are so on. I'll cane your ass. Do you do this kind of thing at your mother's? Do you do this kind of thing at your mother's? No. That's why it's so good to be here. That's why it's so good to be here. Thanks, but you're excused. FIFA? FIFA? Yeah. Thanks for dinner, Dad. Piker! Piker! Laters. It's good to see them, but whatever happened to,... IMITATES JO: 'They're my boys and you can't have them ever again'? IMITATES JO: 'They're my boys and you can't have them ever again'? The situation is... fluid. But you are still going to Hamilton? But you are still going to Hamilton? Yeah, we're sorted. Cheers. I told Emma she can have it. I mean, I wanna go, just... I just don't need the grief. Well, is she giving you grief? Well, is she giving you grief? Not exactly. I rooted Karyn. I rooted Karyn. Who? Motorboat chick at the hens' party. Motorboat chick at the hens' party. No, you didn't. Motorboat chick at the hens' party. No, you didn't. Not in Mangawhai, but just,... you know, more recently. Last night. Last night. Jesus! She called me, and I thought why not? It's not like she's a troll` She called me, and I thought why not? It's not like she's a troll` Why are you telling me this? Cos this thing happened. I have to see Emma every week and pretend you're not shagging all over town, so I don't need to know about your thing. so I don't need to know about your thing. No, that's not the thing. I slept with Karyn because I was mad with Emma, and then I spent the rest of the day feeling stink about it, and I realised... I love her. Who? Karyn? Who? Karyn? No, Emma, you marnus. I still love her. This couldn't have occurred to you a month ago? I was mad with her because I hadn't been there, but, now that I have... I was mad with her because I hadn't been there, but, now that I have... Oh, so this is rooting as therapy? Are you taking the piss? Are you taking the piss? You think? Are you taking the piss? You think? (SCOFFS) So what are you going to do? See Emma without the lesbo. You're still not going on about that. You're still not going on about that. You brought it up first, and it's a fact ` they don't like men. Some of them do. Some of them do. Oh, stop being such a liberal wuss. And she has turned Emma against me. What? You managed to do that all on your own. What? You managed to do that all on your own. Whose side are you on? Look, I just think that trust is pretty important in any relationship. So when are you going to talk to Emma? The answer to all-important questions is... Hamilton. Well, better get the troops on board. Are you gonna play? Are you gonna play? Sure. Gotta represent. Is that ethical? Hey, Bob, time to go? Hey, Bob, time to go? I'm so with you, my man. Get on board, folks. Got room in the party bus if anyone needs a... ride. We're fine, thanks. We're fine, thanks. I'm going with Mac. We're fine, thanks. I'm going with Mac. Oh, well, your loss, sweetheart. (SNIGGERS) Is he still trying it on? (SNIGGERS) Is he still trying it on? Deluded! Shoot. Shoot. Hey, team. Shoot. Hey, team. Hi. I was thinking, this isn't the real roster and it's for mongy kids, so I'll join in for a good cause. Sure. Sure. Uh, you want a lift? Sure. Uh, you want a lift? Oh, no, thanks. Well, I thought we could have a bit of a talk on the way. Well, I thought we could have a bit of a talk on the way. I'm going with Michelle. Nice try, kid. CAR HORN TOOTS You can always come with us. You can always come with us. Uh, three's a crowd. See you there. 1 What's the go here? What's the go here? I'm not sure. They clearly cannot run a bun fight in a bakery. OK, they've overbooked. Which is good in some ways. OK, they've overbooked. Which is good in some ways. It's arse. They're raising money for a good cause. They're raising money for a good cause. You can hit the casino. Oh sweet. Oh sweet. See ya. Two Short Planks said competition wouldn't be up to their standard. Two Short Planks said competition wouldn't be up to their standard. They're hardly top drawer. Where are our lucky tables? Where are our lucky tables? We can only have one table of six. Shit. Shit. Yeah, it sucks. But what say we form the Beagle superteam? Show these cow cockies. I've got Marcus, and I want you for books and froggy stuff; you because you've heard the questions before; you` I don't mind. I brought some work. I don't mind. I brought some work. Cool, you're out. Don't be a dick. She's the bomb on animals and cooking. Don't be a dick. She's the bomb on animals and cooking. Yeah, they don't come up every time. I'll take a rain check. I'll take a rain check. Um, I don't mind, really. I'll take a rain check. Um, I don't mind, really. No, no. You go slay 'em. Obviously, I've got sports covered, and you, you're not useless at geography. Thanks. Thanks. I might bow out as well. But you're flags of the world and celebrities. But you're flags of the world and celebrities. You noticed? Sure. But, uh, we'll cope. Catch you later. Go, the Sticks. Catch you later. Go, the Sticks. So, what's our name gonna be? I have an idea. And after round two ` True or False ` we have a perfect score from River City and Sex Marathon. and Sex Marathon. Yes! Yeah! You can tell they're from Auckland. You can tell they're from Auckland. What an amateur. You'd never dis the teams. It's OK. It's OK. Go, the Jafas! It's OK. Go, the Jafas! TEAM BOOS, RINGS COWBELL Maybe just cool it a little bit. I'm not here to be popular. I'm not here to be popular. Yeah, we all know that. I'm not here to be popular. Yeah, we all know that. And now round three ` geography. Question one ` what is the longest river in Africa? ALL: The Nile. ALL: The Nile. Hey, so, how are you going? Pretty good. Pretty good. ...the capital of Belarus? Pretty good. ...the capital of Belarus? Now, that is harder. I'm hoping to get a lot done before the baby comes, because, well, it might be harder after. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Well, you know what it's like being a solo mum and working. Apart from when I was in France, I always had my mum, so... Oh my God, that was so insensitive. Oh my God, that was so insensitive. No, it's OK. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Don't be. I mean I miss her, but... Puy de Sancy... ...but you just have to carry on, don't you? ...but you just have to carry on, don't you? ...is the highest peak in which mountain range? Puy de Sancy ring a bell? Puy de Sancy ring a bell? And are we playing here or having a` a women's group? Massif Central. And the capital of Belarus is Minsk. Told you. MEN LAUGH RAUCOUSLY I want her back. It's as simple as that. I want her back. It's as simple as that. Finally! Yeah, but how to do it? You got any tips? Not rooting all around town might be a start. Hey, look, she left me. What was I meant to do? Brian! You know, I think you need to locate the agency within yourself. What? What? Well, just stop it with the 'she made me do it' crap. Take responsibility. Is this shrink speak? Is this shrink speak? Making excuses is piss weak, plus you look like a douche. What, your shrink said that? What, your shrink said that? Not in those exact words. What, your shrink said that? Not in those exact words. MEN LAUGH RAUCOUSLY Could you be any louder? It's a stag do. You could tell them where to stick it. It's a stag do. You could tell them where to stick it. (SIGHS) Pass. You know, I have to say, I expected nut violence when she left me. Well, what can I say? I have a larger view now. Well, what can I say? I have a larger view now. My nuts are eternally grateful. (CHUCKLES) Personally, I think she should have busted your arse, boiled your nuts then forgiven you. That's big of ya. That's big of ya. Yeah, well, anyone can change, even you. I can't believe how mellow you are these days. Hey, good drugs, great therapy, the love of a good man. (CHUCKLES) Hey, good drugs, great therapy, the love of a good man. (CHUCKLES) So when do we get to meet him? I'd say never. Now powdering nose. Then we'll get back to 'go get her tiger'. MEN HOLLER LEWDLY And after round three, it's Mooloo,... TEAM CHEERS, RINGS COWBELL second and Sex Marathon third. He's meant to read out the scores. He's meant to read out the scores. What does it matter? Third is third. Put that away. They'll think we're cheating. We're Aucklanders; they already hate us. We're Aucklanders; they already hate us. Missed a call. The kids? The kids? Jo. I might just... Yeah. Now that I have you all to myself, where are you staying? We're at some place on the river. We're at some place on the river. Oh, I went five star hotel, Jacuzzi, complimentary breakfast, late check-out. I'm sure Marcus will love that. I'm sure Marcus will love that. (CHUCKLES) You and me, Cat ` it's still on the cards. I'm very flattered, but what's up next? Animal Crackers. (SIGHS) So, are you really sex on a stick? Says you are, so show us. Says you are, so show us. Excuse me. Says you are, so show us. Excuse me. Come on, shows us your tits. Hey, easy, mate. Don't be a dick. Hey, easy, mate. Don't be a dick. Who you calling a dick? Hey, oh. Just cool it, all right. Don't worry about it. Another round. Go on. Another round. Go on. My hero. You didn't smack him. You didn't smack him. Yeah, tempting. Dickwad! (EXHALES) Better out than in. (CHUCKLES) But you and Emma ` I've been thinking about your best strategic play. OK. OK. OK, you're gonna go in, tell her how you feel, see how it goes from there. Well, it's hardly a magic bullet. Well, it's hardly a magic bullet. Nothing is. But if you don't lay it on the line, she'll never know. I can't do it when the quiz is on. I can't do it when the quiz is on. It's important to have priorities (!) I might just go have a smoke. I might just go have a smoke. I diagnose a big fat case of procrastination. Hi. Hi. Bugger off. Hi. Bugger off. How are you? Mystery shag? Mystery shag? Bugger off. And question 10 in Animal Crackers ` what is a pollywog? A Samoan. A Samoan. A tadpole. And get your answers in and check out our silent auction with some great bargains. Where did you get to? Where did you get to? I was trying to call my ex. For the entire round? For the entire round? Must be your buy, Cory. Eh? Eh? Let's go. Can I play you something? Can I play you something? Sure. JO: Hey, it's me. Kind of quiet here on my own. And I've been thinking. I know I've made mistakes, a lot of mistakes, but you don't have to worry about me any more. It's great to know that you'll be around. And you're such a great dad, and the boys will always have you. And you're such a great dad, and the boys will always have you. DISCONNECTED TONE I tried to call her back; it goes straight to answer phone. I tried to call her back; it goes straight to answer phone. Do you think she'll do a Michelle? I wouldn't have thought she would. I wouldn't have thought she would. Is there anyone else you can call? Andrea's away. I can't get hold of Adam. The police? The police? I don't have any proof. It's a Friday night and` You should go back and check. You should go back and check. You think? You should go back and check. You think? It's just pub quiz. That was a Merlot, right? That was a Merlot, right? Go. You have to make sure. Hang on, where's he going? Hang on, where's he going? It's a family issue. Hang on, where's he going? It's a family issue. I am so sorry. We'll have other romantic nights in Hamilton. We'll have other romantic nights in Hamilton. Now the answers in Animal Crackers, it is time for round five ` film and TV. Timing, eh? Could we get Brian to sub in? FAST ROCK MUSIC (GRUNTS) That's enough! (GROANS, SPITS) Of course I'll be a good girl. OK, see you Monday. Bye-bye. (GROANS) CELL PHONE RINGS (GROANS, PANTS) Hey, it's me. Are you smoking the whole packet out there? Hey, it's me. Are you smoking the whole packet out there? STRAINED: No. Sounds like you have. Sounds like you have. Actually,... (PANTS) I could use some help. In third place, we have the Waikato Warriors on 87. In third place, we have the Waikato Warriors on 87. TEAM CHEERS Second ` our Auckland cuzzies, Sex Marathon, on 90. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! But the winners tonight are River City on 92. ALL CHEER And I want to thank you all tonight for coming out for Proud but... not in a gay way. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Honestly. Shall we go find the others? Shall we go find the others? Yeah, sure. Shall we go find the others? Yeah, sure. Ah, what about you, me, Jacuzzi? I don't think so. I don't think so. (GROANS) Face it. A guy who rushes back to Auckland for a family issue? It's not a good sign. It's all I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. CELL PHONE RINGS Yeah, yeah. CELL PHONE RINGS It's Michelle. Hi, babe. Hi, babe. MICHELLE: Hi, it's me. I've got some bad news. (VOMITS) Hey. Hey. Hey. Are you OK? Why are you just sitting here? (GROANS) You take a number, and you get in line. You look terrible. The price he paid for defending my honour. The price he paid for defending my honour. They have to see you. It's Friday night in the 'Tron. It's Friday night in the 'Tron. Oh, I could just lie down. No. Did you lose consciousness at all? Maybe for a moment after he kicked the shit out of me. You need to be checked out ` concussion, internal injuries. You need to be checked out ` concussion, internal injuries. Oh my God. I'll see if I can give them a rark up. Um,... how'd the team go? Not bad. Not bad. At least he knows what's important. Yeah. I do. We were second, not that it matters. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Jo! Jo, can you hear me? Jo? Jo? It's you. Hi. Jo? It's you. Hi. Shit. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I was worried after your message, so I drove back. What? What? I was in Hamilton. What? I was in Hamilton. You drove all that way? I was worried. I was worried. I didn't know you were in Hamilton. Charity pub quiz thing. Charity pub quiz thing. You never said. God, I'm sorry. That message ` what did you think I was gonna think? I don't know! I was clearing out some of Adam's stuff, and I found a joint. It's a lot stronger than when we were young. You're stoned? You're stoned? Off my face. I did call you, and I kind of fell asleep halfway through. And then I woke up, and I started cleaning the kitchen. And then I woke up, and I started cleaning the kitchen. Right. You thought I was gonna off myself? LAUGHS: Oh God, how awful! You know I'd never do that. I love the boys too much. You know I'd never do that. I love the boys too much. Sure. But I did make a stupid mistake ` letting you go. (CHUCKLES) Actually, you walked out on me. (CHUCKLES) Actually, you walked out on me. I know. What an idiot. But don't you see? It's karma. I'm not stoned. After what I put you through, I deserve to be unhappy, and I am. After what I put you through, I deserve to be unhappy, and I am. Hey, you'll be fine. Have a joint with me or a drink. I owe you. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. We can talk like we used to, watch the sun come up. Remember when we did that in our flat on Salamanca Road? Remember when we did that in our flat on Salamanca Road? Um. God, dope always makes me so` Yep, I should probably go. Yep, I should probably go. I still love you. Biggest mistake of my life was letting you go. Look, um,... maybe you should go and have a cup of tea or something, eh. You're so thoughtful. You're so thoughtful. I should go. I'm tired after all that driving. Sure. Night. Well, we're back. Did you want to come inside? Yeah, sure. I need to call a cab. Wow, you've got a new flatmate. Gotta fill the time in somehow. Gotta fill the time in somehow. I'm sure you managed. Well, you've still got paracetamol. Is there anyone you want me to call? Emma` Emma` I want to make sure you'll be OK. Concussion can be serious` Concussion can be serious` I know, and that's great` Concussion can be serious` I know, and that's great` And I should call that cab. Don't go. Don't go. Are you feeling unwell? Don't go. Are you feeling unwell? Look,... I screwed up, OK? Big time. But I wanna make it up to you. But I wanna make it up to you. Brian, I don't` But I wanna make it up to you. Brian, I don't` I want us to be together again, have our baby together. It is everything I have ever wanted. You are everything that I've ever wanted. I love you. And that's great, but I can't move back because you got beaten up. Nah, it's not because of that. Nah, it's not because of that. I just can't trust you anymore. Jesus, what have I gotta do here? Jesus, what have I gotta do here? I don't know! I really don't know. Marry me. Marry me. What? Emma, would you do the honour of being my wife? It's something I thought I'd never do, but I wanna do it with you. And it's proof that I love you, that you can trust me. I knew what you were like, and I thought I could change you, but I was a dick. No, you're not. No, you're not. I know you feel like this at the moment, but you are who you are. I'm not! I'm not! Brian, shut up. We are having a child together, and that means we have to get on and I want us to be friends. And we can still play pub quiz together. I don't care about that. I don't care about that. I just can't keep going with loser guys. I'm not a loser. Oh, I... I know. I'm` I'm gonna call a cab from outside, but just, uh, get in touch if you need anything. DOOR OPENS, CLOSES > KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Coming! Hi. Hi. Don't look so scared. I'm not gonna bite. Come in. I'm just so embarrassed about last night. I mean, how wasted was I? Well, you never could handle your dope. Well, you never could handle your dope. True. I'm getting together with Adam today. I'm getting together with Adam today. Has he reconsidered? God, no. He's still on cloud nine about perfect Charlotte. She does sound quite annoying. She does sound quite annoying. Tell me about it. She does sound quite annoying. Tell me about it. (CHUCKLES) But if you're in love with someone, you're in love with someone. Not much you can do about it. At least you guys are talking. At least you guys are talking. Mac? Last night ` I hope I didn't say anything I shouldn't have. No, not really. It was fine. Thank god. I really can't remember very much about it. KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Hello! KNOCK AT DOOR Hello! Hi there. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hello. Hi. How was your, uh, thing in Hamilton? How was your, uh, thing in Hamilton? It was eventful. (CHUCKLES) Well, I might be off. And I will be in touch about the boys. Well, I might be off. And I will be in touch about the boys. OK. See you. See you. Bye. See you. Bye. See ya later. She seems healthy enough. She seems healthy enough. Yeah. What was so urgent she had to come round now? Oh, just some stuff about Adam and the boys. Hey, how's Brian doing? He'll live, and Emma drove him back, so maybe that's promising. I hope so. I hope so. Mm. I hope so. Mm. It's so good to see you. You too. So much for our romantic night away. So much for our romantic night away. You missed out on the Stay If You Must Motel. It had instructions on every single surface. Well, there are no rules here, and we do have the house to ourselves. Do we? (CHUCKLES) (SQUEALS) Michelle, David's ready if you'd like to go through. Morning, Doctor. Michelle. How are you feeling? Pretty good. Pretty good. How was your weekend? Interesting, infuriating. My friend got beaten up, and I got harassed. How did you respond to that? How did you respond to that? Well, I wanted to take him out. But I'm proud to say I showed very good impulse control. Why don't you tell me a little bit more about that? Captions by Desney Shaw. www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright TVNZ Access Services 2013