1 But I'm gay. I know! (GRUNTS) Divorce! CLATTERING I don't wanna see you any more, Jen. I'm selling the bar. Zzz! Let me buy in. I'll lend you the money. (GIGGLES) CHEERING, LAUGHTER DANCE MUSIC PUMPS Right, get amongst! Cheers! WOMEN: Cheers! WOMEN CHEER Whoo! (CHUCKLES) Can I get a cherry? Just pop it there. DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES It's not even 3 o'clock. This place is going off. What can I say? Word gets around ` 'under new management'. What's your problem? You don't like a full bar? Yeah, you're riding high now. Everyone wants to be your mate. Sounds good. Till the free drinks stop. Ah, but by that time, I've already reeled them in. Dave used to be good at reeling them in. And they wanna stay all night. Sometimes that used to be a problem, though. Hey, hey. You're missing the point here. What? That that chick wants to root Dave because he's giving out free drinks? No. Yes, but` Except I'm taken. Totally committed. No, the point is everyone wants something for nothing. PATRONS: Davo! Davo! Davo! Davo! Davo! Well, love to chat, but as you can see, busy busy. Still happy hour, Dave? Every hour is happy hour. CHEERING Looks like he's gonna have to learn the hard way. Yeah. Lucky bastard. PATRONS: Davo! Davo! Davo! Davo! Davo! DAVE DOBBYN'S 'MAGIC (WHAT SHE DO)' PLAYS # It's magic what she do. # Magic what she do. # Celebrate. # Yeah, cos it's magic what she do. # Magic what she do. # Oh. Cara? Cara! Visitor. # Magic what she` # (STOPS MUSIC) Hi. Hi. Hi. What`? What are you doing? Making dinner ` roast lamb. But I have chicken breasts marinating. Well, we can have those tomorrow night. If we must. So,... how've you been? What can I do for you, Jen? I was just wondering if I could borrow the nail dryer. Unless you need it. I don't. So, you're sticking to the new thing? I am being a stay-at-home mum. Kids grow up so fast these days. Don't wanna miss a single moment. I'm loving it. I'm busy as this weekend, thanks to school ball season. I gotta go and pick up the kids, so... OK. Great. Awesome. PHONE CHIMES (GROANS) OMG. Rose is going to an after-ball party. That is so not fair. Is it? She's only in my year. She can be such a ho. Probably why she was invited. OMG. Don't look. It's Kash Connor. He's coming this way. I said don't look! What does he want? To catch a bus? He's way too cool to catch a bus! Hi, Kash. Hey. Hey, Scarlett. So, my date for the ball, her grandma died, so she's gotta go to Wellington or something. So she literally stood me up. I'm... sorry? Pretty rude, eh? Anyway, I'm guessing you don't have a date for the ball either. Am I right? Because I'm not going. But you could. With me. OK? I` I don't know. CAR HORN BEEPS Hi! Oh shit. That's my mum. I have to go. So, what about the ball? I'll consider it. Well, if she doesn't wanna go, I could` CAR HORN BEEPS RAPIDLY Do you have to pick us up every day? It's embarrassing. It's bad for the environment. And for Scarlett's love life. Shut up, Jas! She just got asked to the ball by Kash Connor! The boy from special needs? No. Kash is one of the popular guys, and he's super hot. And he just asked Scarlett to the ball. Well, you have to go! Why? Because` Because every girl needs to go to at least one school ball. It's a thing... that you do! And your mother has to help you find the perfect frock and do your hair and make-up and` and shoes. What are you doing? Facebook. I didn't know you were on Facebook. Oh, I'm not. Phillip is, and I guessed his password. His first dog and the age she died. There's nothing I don't know about that man. Nothing. OK. But some of his friends were surprised to learn that he's gay. That's original (!) Look. 17 likes. And Dianne from accounts says she always knew it! Oh my God, these people are idiots. PHONES RINGS, VIBRATES Shit, it's Dylan. Hi. How are you? Sure. I could do that. Dylan needs to see me urgently. Maybe he wants to make up? Why would you want to? All men are bastards. Even gay men. Just ask my ex-husband. I come in peace. Oh. Alec and I agreed to go dry until the baby ` to support Bianca-Faye. Well, keep it till you need it ` to break the baby's head. What did you say? Wet! Wet the baby's head. What is all that? Oh, I packed up your stuff. Bianca-Faye needs the space. Is this what you wanted to see me about? Well, not only... Bianca-Faye also wants to buy your half of the furniture we got together. Jesus, Dylan. It's not unreasonable. We can't cut things in half. Why are you being like this? I thought we were friends. Till you said you were in love with me. What about Bianca-Faye? What about her? You know that all she wants to do is jump Alec. She told me. You're insane. And rude. You're rude! Packing up all my stuff and ordering me to come and get it like some tenant you're kicking out. My life savings is in this place, so stuff you! SHATTERING My grandmother's good dinner set? Sounds like it. Shit. Marion, I've already folded that. And now I'm doing it properly. Oh, for heaven's sake, why don't you just get out of the house? Go and see your sister. I can't. Because? Because Jen might be there. Oh, here she comes. A little bird told me you're going to the ball. The bird is misinformed. I only said I'd consider it. But it might be fun. It will be amazing. Mum, stop. What? If I decide to participate in this puerile, mainstream, adolescent rite of passage, I'll let you know. (EXHALES) One, two, three, down the hatch. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Dave! Hey! Come on up. Yep. Excuse me. Come on. > Yup, coming. (CHUCKLES) Hey. Can't keep away, huh? Oh, just thought I'd drop by to see my boyfriend. Dave. Yup, I'll just be right with ya. Wow, it's really busy! I know! Hey, Dave! Another Lazy Shag. Coming right up. Make it two. Sorry, babe. I should really` Yeah, nah, nah, go. Yeah. Do` Do your thing, Mr Popular. Just, uh, grab a stool, and I'll bring you some wine. Great. Yeah. (SCOFFS) Yes. What? Phillip just won his bid on a trailer of chicken manure. (LAUGHS) It'll be delivered to his new house first thing in the morning. (SIGHS) At least he has a house. Oh, for God's sake. Is crying really gonna solve anything? I'm not crying! Take the gay boys' money! Screw them for as much as you can get, and then you can concentrate on something positive, like revenge. OK. I think Phillip needs decorative china in his life. Have you seen Cara lately? Not lately, no. (CHUCKLES) This is so appallingly ugly. Phillip will want the whole set. It's like I lost my two best friends in the same week. And now you've got me. I know. That's the upside. Must be hard seeing your man so popular with everyone, especially the ladies. I don't mind. That he has to flirt for a living? He pours drinks for a living. So the flirting's just a hobby? He should definitely go pro. I guess you can't blame them. I'd go there in a heartbeat. Sorry? If he wasn't into older women, I mean. And if I wasn't currently celibate. I'm just saying. Oh sorry. Still flat out. I've noticed. S'pose I should file this with the rest of them, eh? Is Hugo anywhere? Maybe. This whole thing about you buying into the bar was that Hugo was meant to take it easy. (SIGHS) < Hugo! I might head home. Leave you to it. We're interviewing for more staff tomorrow. Oh OK. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS It's great that you're so busy, Dave, and, um... And, Dave... Yep. (MOANS PASSIONATELY) > BOTH MOAN I'll see you soon. CHEERFUL MUSIC I've already started, so... Well, I can finish it off if you wanna do something else. But I don't. SOFTLY: OK. CELL PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS Hi. Hi. CELL PHONE CHIMES OMG. Oh, Jasmine, not at the breakfast table. Rose just texted me. This is, like, major! It always is! Mum! Hi! Bye. Where are you going? Back to the bar. Going through CVs. Hm. I know it's been a bit full on, but it'll settle down. I'm fine, honestly. Plenty to do. Busy busy. Great. Busy getting in my way. And you're hiring staff. That's great. Like a real boss. Mm, you are the real boss. Lunches in your bag. Quick now! Gran, you have to listen. This is, like, a disaster. Lunchbox ` bag. Aargh! Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Good morning. Well, any more thoughts? What about? The ball. Yeah, not really my thing. She's right about that. Jasmine. Don't do it, Scarlett. Zip it! Honestly, Jasmine, you'll get your turn when you're in year 12. Oh wow, you think I'm jealous? OK, fine. Whatevs. See? Jasmine's desperate to go. You could look at this as a chance to experiment. Right, Dave? Sure. You like dressing up. You mean game theory actualized, simulated role playing? Being a princess. Yeah, right. Princesses go to balls. My princess is more the kind that likes to kick balls. You could look at this as a chance to role-play. You want me to wear my LARPing outfit? No. But you could role-play as a... prom queen, couldn't you? I suppose. And Kash isn't unpleasant, aesthetically speaking. His features are symmetrical, and he's not unintelligent. There ya go. All right. I'll do it. WHISPERS: Yes. Yes. Oh yes. Oh! Anyone would think it was your school ball. I know. I know. And I don't wanna jinx it. But this could be the beginning of something amazing for Scarlett. She could get so much more out of school. Make friends. Be popular. Yes. Can't believe you missed that shot, man. We would've won! Whatever, man. Oh, yo, yo, Romeo. Your Juliet's here. I decided to accept your offer to accompany you to the school ball. Wow. Cool. (CHUCKLES) One thing ` were you thinking contemporary or period? BOYS LAUGH I... don't know. I was considering Zelda Fitzgerald. And you'd make a convincing F. Scott. Gee, thanks. So I guess I'll see you soon. Yeah. OK, losers, the freak said yes. Pay up. Her. Definitely this one. No experience. How do you know? Part-time model wants to work in a bar till her career takes off. Oh, you mean work experience. Why's he here? Azza's had experience. We could hire him. No. Just saying. You're a business owner now. You need to be ruthless. You can't hire your friends, and you can't hire relatives. And I was pretty shit. You need to hire the best person for the job. XANDRA: Hugo? Hugo! Are you in there! It's your caregiver. Oh Jesus. What? Was Xandra not the best person for the job? Yeah, she's sweet and sexy enough, but she's trying to get me to do this Pilates thing. (KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Hugo! > All right. Keep looking. Just make sure that she's got experience and sane. I'm outta here. Hugo! > Did you say yes? I said yes. Yes! BROODS' 'SUPERSTAR' # I've been waiting for the sun to rise where you are # so I can tell you you're a superstar. # I've been waiting for our words to be in line # so I can let you know that, baby, you're the... No, no, no. This. # You have loved, you have cared, you've been too good to me. Mm-hm. # I can't try hard enough just to make you believe. No. # I... This is what I had in mind. Nice and flowy. (SIGHS) It would look lovely on you. Right. Do you wanna help out? # Ooh. Just like that. Lovely. Yeah. SEWING MACHINE WHIRS # I've been waiting for the sun to rise where you are. # Well, what do you think? It's perfect. You're so beautiful. You have to say that. I know. (CHUCKLES) But it also happens to be true. She's right. You look kind of OK. See? Told ya. (SIGHS) Mum, can I have a private word to you? Is it going to be a) mean and b) hurtful or c) about your sister? It's c and maybe a little bit of b. Then I don't wanna hear it. Fine, then. I'm out. Whatever happens, it's your fault. Thanks for coming. Bye, Dave. Not bad. Hugo, you know that thing you said the other day? The not hiring any friends or family thing? Yeah. Does that go for girls you've, you know... Oh crap. Well, does a one-nighter count? It counts. It's messy. You've got to think about temptation with your relationship. The other thing is, when you fire them, they cry sexual harassment, even if they were incompetent and they kept breaking glasses. Voice of experience? Take it from me, mate ` it's not worth it. Hey, how come you didn't mention her before we put her on the shortlist? I'm not so good with names. Oh, charming (!) OK. Who's next? FUNKY MUSIC Hi, Dave. Hey, long time no see. Hey, Dave. Hey. It was your cousin's party, right? Hey, Dave. Hey. Oh. Been a while. Suzy. Mary. (SIGHS) Hi, Dave. Hi Jasmine` Jenny! (GROANS) Hi, Dave. Hello again. Great to see you. Oh, hi, Dave. How's your mum, then? Hi, um, my name's Hugo. This is Dave. He does the day-to-day running of the place. Yeah, we've already met. Yeah, of course you have. Is there anyone in the hospo industry you haven't nailed? Of course. Heaps. OK, mate, I can swear I didn't sleep with this one. It's one of mine. Hey, Margaret. Hey, Hugo. Morning. (SIGHS) Food, shower, work. Still no luck finding staff? More interviews today. A job in the hottest bar in town. Aren't they lining up? It's not that easy finding the right person. They need qualifications, you know. And it's an important decision. Staff are what make or break a business. Everyone knows that. CELL PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS OK. Anyway, today is the day. Yeah. Remind me? TOASTER POPS The school ball. I knew that. And here she is. Are you ready to be transformed? You mean the cultural cliche of the nerdy girl who gets a makeover, and then suddenly all the boys think she's hot, but the question remains ` can she stay true to herself? It's a persistent trope, I'll admit. So does that mean, 'Yes. Let's get started'? If it makes you happy. It's you who I want to be happy. I want this to be a night you'll never forget. Dave, can I talk to you? Can it wait till after my shower? It's urgent. Is it more urgent than this! Ew. (SIGHS) Gross. So? OK. Come here. (HUMS) (SIGHS) Working today? There's a school ball tonight, so yep. Mm, I know. Cara wants me to go over for photos with Scarlett. Scarlett's going to the school ball? Mm, apparently so. The way she's going on, you'd think it was the girl's wedding day. Well, she's worried about Scar for years. She doesn't really have any friends. She's a real loner, and... it's a big day for her. Cara'll be stoked. Are you all right? It's just I've been there for the kids ` for the other milestones. I'll take a photo for you. Thanks. (SIGHS) Wish Scarlett good luck for me. Because she needs it. What about this one? (SIGHS) This? I don't actually want to cut my hair. Do you actually want to look attractive? It's not a priority. Oh, f` Well, then why am I here? So Scarlett will have fantastic memories of a school ball. Mine was amazing. Stewie and I, we danced all night. And it was like no one else was there in the hall. And then we went to the beach, and we walked and talked all night. And then we sat down and watched the sun come up. And the rest. Julia. I'd rather not hear. Hear what? Nothing. She means Mum and Dad had sex. I know. Duh, that's why we're here. At the school ball. Oh. Not 'at'. Well, we do know you and Stewie must have done it at least three times. We talked all night, OK? Mm-hm. Talked all night. It's unlikely that Kash and I will talk all night. Really unlikely. We don't have that much in common. I trust you, darling. Just be sensible. But not too sensible. This is your special night. (GROANS) (TURNS OFF CAR) (SIGHS) (UNDOES SEATBELT, PULLS HANDBRAKE) Hi, Jas! I was just passing by casually, and` OMG, thank God, you're here. What's wrong? OK, so, I tried to tell Gran, and she said I was jealous, which is, like, as if. Why am I gonna be jealous of Scarlett? And I tried to tell Mum, but she's all crazy weird at the moment. You should just make up with her already. Well, she's the one who doesn't wanna make up. What are you? 14? Anyway, I don't wanna tell Scarlett to her face, cos she might cry, and that would be awks as. There's Dave... but no. (SIGHS) I just wanna help, and they all think I'm being a bitch, so can you help? I don't` I don't really understand the question. This is so bad. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OK, so, who are we seeing today? Is there any point? Oh, come on. It's just been a bit of bad luck. Bad luck is twisting your ankle or being born short or ugly. It is not bad luck when every woman you meet wants to shag you. Take it from me. Can I help it if I'm popular? On that subject. What's this? That's your bar tab. But... I did not drink all of this. Not even close. No, your mates did that you've been shouting freebies for. To bring in the punters. It's a business expense. At the end of the day, somebody needs to pay for it, and that somebody is you. PHONE RINGS Hello! I can't tell Cara; it'll break her heart, and she might shoot the messenger, and she already hates me, but we have to do something. Slow down. From the beginning. You know how Scarlett's supposed to be going to the ball? Uh-huh. She's not. According to Jas, it's all over Facebook. It's a set-up. Some kind of really horrible joke. Bullshit. Bullshit! Jasmine tracked this Kash guy on Facebook to the basketball court. Yeah, I'll see you soon. Jeez! No, you're not going anywhere. We've got two more interviews to do, and we need to decide on one of them ` today. It's an emergency. No, hey, you can't go! The boss can't walk out on shifts. The boss doesn't even get shifts! 1 Phillip. What a lovely surprise. Stop it, Julia. Just stop it. I'm sorry, to what are you referring? Hacking my Facebook. Manure deliveries. Oh dear. And Franklin Mint? Seriously? You can never have too many tasteless ornaments. It's got to stop. Or what? I'll take out a restraining order. (LAUGHS) Oh my God. It doesn't matter what you do, what crazy attention-seeking you try, we're not getting back together. You've got to get over me. Move on. (SNIGGERS) I'm well and truly over you, believe me. Then why all this carry-on? I told you I'd make you suffer. And by God, it's working. Look at you. You're afraid of me. No, I'm afraid for you. Then let me be clear. I hate you. I wouldn't get back together with you if you came begging on your hands and knees, and we both know that's your favourite position. Get some help, Julia. And for the last time, leave me alone. BIRDS TWEET BRAKES SQUEAL (TURNS OFF SCOOTER) OK. Leave this to me. Don't let them see me. I'll be known as the loser that narked on Kash Connor. Go home and make sure your mum and Scarlett are sweet. OK. And not a word to either of them, OK? Duh. < CHEERING, WHOOPING And Jas... You did good. Hey! Oi, I'm talking to you. Which one of you is Kash? Yeah, I'm Kash. So? I'm Dave. But you can call me Scarlett Gray's stepfather. And I'm her fairy godmother. Yeah, well, I'm playing here, so... Hey! Now you're not. Whoa! Did that actually go in? Yeah! Oh! Fluke. Hey! Listen to me, you little shit for brains. I know all about your dirty little bet, but change of plans. Now you're gonna take Scarlett to the ball. I can't. You bloody can. Scarlett is smart and sweet, and she knows a lot about... Star Wars. She's a` a princess, so you are gonna treat her like one, because if you don't, I am going to hunt you down, and you'll be going face first through the hoop. (SOBS) Sorry, it's great. Carry on. Am I making myself clear? You're choking me. Damn right. Say, 'Yes I am, Scarlett's stepdad'. I can't, even if you do kill me. Why not? I can't afford a ticket. Shit. OK, how much? 110. Bullshit! Wow, that is serious money. Yeah, yeah. You'd better be worth it. Each. It's 110 each. Yeah, I know. It sucks, right? Well, not for you. I got 160. We can go to an ATM? So, you're saying you paid this guy to go out with Scarlett? Nah. I threatened to cane his ass. With 220 bucks? You can beat up on me any time. I have to go do some work now, but I'm so glad it's sorted. Thanks, Dave. You were amazing. Scarlett's lucky to have you. So is Cara. Cheers. And hey, Cara will get over it ` one day. Hope so. Laters. Oh, hey! Hi. I hear Scarlett's going to the ball. You must be stoked. I am, yeah. Thanks. CHILL-OUT MUSIC PLAYS What's Jen doing here? What are you doing here? Sorry? Shouldn't you be beautifying Scarlett? Oh, I said I'd pop out to get some bubbles. Sweet. Emily, bottle of bubbles, please. Except... it was an excuse. I` I feel all fluttery. Like it's my first date and not hers. I keep worrying he might not show. It's possible, eh. Ow. He'll be there. I promise. But he's part of the cool crowd, Jasmine says. What if he got a better offer? Hey. Oh, hell no. What? You do think he's going to stand her up? Absolutely not! I'm glad you're so sure. Hey, isn't that`? Ow! What'd I say this time? Scarlett will go to the ball and live happily ever after. So you should go home. OK. (EXHALES HEAVILY) Do you think, um, you could get some time off? Just to see her off. I wouldn't miss it. OK. OK. (CHUCKLES) OK. What the hell is she doing here? Who? The girl with Hugo. Georgie or` Oh yeah. Georgina? Jordan? You boned her, eh? When I was on a break from Cara. And Cara caught her coming out of your room. So awkward. Don't tell me Hugo's hired her. Ha! Even more awkward. This is not funny, Azza! (SIGHS) Beers down here. Glasses and all that sort of stuff. Cool. JEN: Hello! > Hiya! Ooh, whoa. I've decided to stop wasting my time trying to get revenge on Phillip. It's time to move on. Great. What's the plan? Dinner tonight with an old colleague of mine ` Steven. He's bringing a friend. Oh, I don't think I'm up for a blind date. Oh come on. We both deserve a bit of fun. I don't find blind dates fun. Awkward, yes. Disappointing, often. Humiliating, mm-hm. Not tonight. Steven has always fancied me. And best of all, Phillip can't stand him. And this is you moving on? Right. And I need you for moral support, please. That's about it. If you've got any questions, you can just ask Dave. Don't worry. I will. Right, I'm outta here before Xandra has my guts. What exactly have you promised her? Georgia? Georgia! Right. Yeah. Just the usual ` 90-day trial. Shit! Oh Jesus. Tell me you didn't. But she's smart. She's a psychology student. She's not a promo girl or a wannabe model. No, no. Bad fricken luck, Dave. She's staying. I hired her. Without consulting me? I'm half owner. And half horndog. And you give away the profits. And you run out whenever you feel like it. PHONE CHIMES You weren't here. I made a decision. Suck it up. Shit. Cover for me again? I gotta pick up Scarlett's date for the school ball. Are you high?! Thanks. SCARLETT: Clips or no clips? No clips. Uh, yeah. Jasmine might be right. Those clips are a bit young. But they keep my hair out of my face. For when you're spewing? I'm joking. Jeez. Mum, stop doing that. WHISPERS: What? WHISPERS: Maybe he's just trying to be fashionably late. D dubs, Mum. He'll be here. What? How are you going with the hair, Scar? Do you need a hand? No, I'm good. Hey! Oh, um... WHISPERS: Scarlett's date hasn't shown, OK? This could be a disaster. Get a move on, Scar. Kash is here. (KNOCKS) Don't keep the poor dude waiting! How do you`? I, um,... bumped into him on the driveway. (CHUCKLES) Here he is. Kash. Kash, this is Scarlett's mother, Cara. Cara, Kash. Very pleased to meet you, Kash. Hey. You're going to have a lovely night. I know it. Yeah. Hard. ETHEREAL MUSIC ETHEREAL MUSIC CONTINUES Whoa. Hey, Kash. Hey. Hi. My goodness. She's beautiful. She's a real princess. And sometimes a zombie. Say hello to your date. Hi, Scarlett. You look... mean as. (CHUCKLES) You look aesthetically pleasing as well. (CHUCKLES) I know it's a little downmarket, but I like that sometimes, don't you? A bit rough. Sure. It's like anything could happen. Very tasty. And the food's not bad either. (LAUGHS) You are so bad. Such a shame his friend couldn't join us. Mm. Golfing injury. Tore his groin. So he wouldn't be much fun anyway. Oh, you! Is anyone having dessert? Mm, if you play your cards right. DOOR OPENS Julia. HISSES: What? CHILL-OUT MUSIC PLAYS Oh no. Oh, shite. It's your husband. I told you ` Phillip and I are separated. What I do is none of his concern. Yeah, but he's still gonna be mightily hacked off. Let's get the bill. What? Well, do you wanna take me home or not? OK. I'll see you at home. Much later. Phillip. Fancy seeing you here. Steven. Mate. Not really a surprise, though. I'm an investor in this place. Hey, good call. Cheers. Love to chat, but Steven's in a hurry to take me home. Aren't you Steven? Well, um... You OK? Is it me or is she quite unhinged? She's working through some issues. MUMBLES: Just take one more photo. Mum. (TAKES PHOTO) Wait, just one` one more. OK, hang on. (TAKES PHOTO) Great. Great, off you go. Have fun! Enjoy the night. So, why'd you turn up? Huh? Everyone knows about the bet. It was all over social media. So why are you here? Your stepdad made me. Did he? Bye! Come on, Logan. CAR DRIVES AWAY > (EXHALES) See. Told ya. Nothing to worry about. Hm. Oh my God, I can't believe it. (CHUCKLES) PHONE CHIMES Oh, Hugo. Oh. Off you go. (SIGHS) Do I have to? You are the boss. Half boss. It's really hard. Uh-huh. It's, like, having to hire people, because if they turn out to be the wrong person, you can't just fire them. You'll make the right decision. And all those people wanting free drinks. It's like people think it's a big party. Well, it is a bar. But hey, you don't have to be everyone's friend. You can say no. Say no. I can do that. ELECTRONICA MUSIC I'd be lying if I said Julia's affair didn't hurt, but now... Yeah, maybe every relationship's got its own built in use-by date. You've just got to enjoy it while it lasts, then when it's over, it's over. That's very deep. (SCOFFS) Yeah, right. No, it all makes sense. And it's the best advice ever. Really? I thought it was just me going on and on about myself. Thanks, Phil. Bye. Hi, bye. It's about bloody time. Hi, Dave. Hi, Georgia. You remembered my name. Yeah, 'course. < TV PLAYS Excellent. The whole gang's here. Have you come to get your shit? No, I've come to sort my shit. I will sell you my share of the house, but I want a new valuation. We've already done that. An independent valuation that I will arrange. Great. Sorted. Come on, mate. Just one more beer. No. I'm saying no. I've got to be responsible. Then everyone won't like you. I won't even like you. Dave, under-agers trying it on. Shit. Sorry, excuse me. LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS Ball over already? Yep. Well, I can't wait to hear all about it, but you kids can't be here. The after-ball party we were going to was cancelled. Oh, that's bad luck. Go sit in a park or something? Told you she couldn't get us in. ALL GROAN I said my stepdad was cool and that he had a bar. Scarlett, this is kinda crap. I could lose my licence, face a massive fine. I've never asked you for anything before. My mum wants stories. 'Best night of my life' type stories. So I can be more like her and not the freak. Your mum does not think you are a freak. She does. And I am. (SIGHS) I don't get invited to balls or after-ball parties. That's the status quo. Never mind. I gave it a go ` being normal. It was OK, but it's probably not my thing. Believe me, Scarlett. Being popular is not all it's cracked up to be. I'll never know. That's it. No more free beer. I'm outta here. Azza? What? Party. Where? THE CAVEMEN'S 'JUVENILE DELINQUENT' PLAYS # Sad, honey, but it's true. # Juvenile delinquent. # Thank you. So, she's not really Princess Samara. She assumed her identity after her mistress was killed in the Bloodline Wars. Do you actually fight people? It can pretty physical, sure. Sweet. Awesome. < My quest is to avenge the death of the... What is she even talking about? Her life story. She pretty much ripped it off from Star Wars. Whatever. THE CAVEMEN'S 'JUVENILE DELINQUENT' CONTINUES PLAYING You actually make all this up yourself? It's an evolving narrative. My last girlfriend, all she talked about was other girls ` who was a ho; who had crap make-up. That sort of thing. Tedious. Yeah. You're actually interesting. Thanks. PHONE RINGS Yo. Hey. Just wanna make sure everything was OK. All under control, dude. Just remember, you owe me next time I want free beer. Yeah, yeah. Scarlett OK? Yeah, she's all good. Don't let her drink too much. OK, Dad. Just watch out for her. 'Course I will. And put her in a taxi when she's ready to go home. Yep. Sweet. Laters. Whoo! # I take drugs. I get drunk. # What the eff, Azza? What are you doing? Surprise! ALL CHEER SOBBING Hello? Only me. SOBBING CONTINUES SNIFFLING Julia? DOOR SLIDES OPEN Are you OK? (SNIFFLES) I'm fine. Fine. (SNIFFLES) Is Steven gone? (SCOFFS) We shared a taxi. That's all. Really? Well, he thought I was going to invite him in. Well, I thought I was going to invite him in, but then... This was our house. (WHIMPERS) Phillip's and mine. (SNIFFLES) We bought it together. You know, we made our plans in it and I'm just, um... I'm just not ready to... There, there. What are you doing? Um, being sympathetic? Please don't. OK. Thanks. BIRDS TWEET Good morning, darling. (GROANS) So, tell me, how was the ball? We danced. Mm-hm. It wasn't a medieval feast, but it was passable. And after, I did the things you said I should. The three big ones. Smoked weed, got drunk. Oh, um, I didn't actually tell you to do any of those things. Wait. The` The three big things? Sex, drugs, alcohol. Oh, that` that's, um... What`? What did you say? You, um`? You`? Did you`? I had sex. OK. It's what girls my age are supposed to do, isn't it? Um... It's not compulsory. Will you excuse me for one sec? OK. OK. (HUMS) Is something the matter? No, no. Everything's great. Fantastic. Oh. (CHUCKLES) Did Scarlett enjoy the ball? Oh, I think so. (CHUCKLES) Mm-hm. (BREATHES DEEPLY) So, do you wanna talk about it? Kash didn't pressure you into this, did he? No. I asked him. Right. And did you use, um,... protection? Of course. To be honest, it's hard to know what the fuss is about. We did it, and then Kash said the room was spinning, and he had to vomit in the toilet. (SNIFFLES) Oh, my darling. It gets better. I promise you. It's OK. Now that it's out of the way, I'm pretty sure I won't be doing it again. And then she put on her LARPing costume and went out, like it was just another day. My baby. That little shit. I'll kill him. I don't think going after Kash` No, I don't mean him. CELL PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS If I hadn't pushed her to go to the ball in the first place` It's not your fault. I suppose. It's not like I made that boy ask her out. Nah, 'course not. And what about this after-ball business? I mean, what kind of parent lets their kids have a party at their place unsupervised? Beats me. Azza! Mate, you off? Yeah, gotta go back and clean up the place. Betty is so pissed off. Worth it, though. Best after-ball party ever. What was? Uh, this is for you. That dude, Kash, he felt so bad about taking your money that he asked me to give it back to you. Anyway, laters. ELECTRONICA MUSIC PLAYS I guess I should probably explain that. It's a real thing, you know ` gerontophilia ` where, like, a young person has like a fetish for old people. She's hardly geriatric. She's 40-plus. It looks a lot like they're arguing. Mm. You paid that boy $220 to ask my daughter out?! I threatened to beat him up as well. That is` Dumb, I know. So stupid. And the after ball? You told me to say no to everyone. But I couldn't say no to her. ELECTRONICA MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING Wow. Yeah. You really care. Well, yeah. And I didn't wanna be hit with a fine for having under-agers in the` Looks a lot like they've made up. Mm. If you're thinking about going there, don't bother. Hugo reckons they're tight as. It's all right. I like a challenge. ELECTRONICA MUSIC Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 # to a rhythm lost in time. # While you sleep you will... #