Highest-placed horse wins, takes the lot. But only the fools and the desperate gamble. I'm not your safe-cracking hero. We work great together. We've got chemistry. (CAR MOTOR REVS) (ROCK MUSIC) Will you marry me? Yes. Me and Cheryl have something we wanna tell you. From now on, we're out of the crime game. We're going straight. Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018. Westside, brought to you by The Rock. (LAUGHTER, COUGHING) Eric, put it down. (ALL LAUGH) (CLEARS THROAT) I would like to propose a toast to the newly engaged couple. Cheryl, it'll be a proud day when you ditch Miller from the end of your name and put a West there instead. Welcome to the family. Hear, hear. Cheers. Mm. Cheers. Thanks, Rita. And Wolf, I just think... that it is so bloody brilliant that you've decided to go straight and get yourself an honest day job ` so brilliant, in fact, that I think it is high time that your friends followed in your footsteps. (ALL LAUGH) Shit, for a second there it sounded like you want us to go get normal jobs or something. I do. Pardon me? That is what I want. Full-time employment, boys and girls, and you'll need it, now that you're paying rent. No, but I've already got a job. Not any more, you don't. But you're my boss. Sorry, Eric. Because there are times in my line of work where I break the law, and I just can't have you exposed to that any more. What about you and Dad ` are you guys going straight? Unfortunately, we are far too stuck in our ways to make changes like that. I don't want any part of this. But that is no reason that we should drag you down with us. You lot are the future. And I wish you all the luck in the world. Cheers! Cheers. Come on. Argh! Fifth! You've gotta be joking. Favourite, my ball bag! Every day we day sit here placing bets with Iris, and every day we lose. My Auntie has more success at bingo, and she has narcolepsy. We're just having a bad run. We haven't had a win since Kiwi won the Wellington Cup. That's the bad run. A wise man once said that the bookie who gambles is a fool. OK, Falani, you don't have to quote me back to me. We don't have a lot of other options right now. Except safe-cracking. No, those days are long gone. It's all electronic nonsense and zip-zap machines and credit cards these days. I tried to move with the times, and the times ran me over. Mr Ted. I've had my 15 minutes, Falani. I'm out. No, I mean... Hello, Teddy. I'm sorry ` did I interrupt something important? Not at all, Iris. I was just waiting here to give this to you. As you can see, it's not all there, so why don't we have a drink, eh, see if we can't sort something out? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (SIGHS) Here he is ` my little working-class hero. Hard day at the office? Oh, not too bad. It's not really an office job, though, is it? You're only there because you're laying carpet. Carpet tiles, Mum. Oh, carpet tiles. (GRUNTS) Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Must have been thirsty work. Nah, not really. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Sorry, mate. (LAUGHS) Too right. (ROCK MUSIC) A big office block like that, it must have a lot of opportunities. If you went for a wander during one of your smokos, I bet you'd find all kinds of things. Yeah, but then I'd be casing the joint, wouldn't I? And I don't do that shit any more. That 'shit', Wolf,... is the family trade. Well, no offence, but it's pretty hard work to take pride in. Well, when you grow your balls back and wanna quit working for The Man... You'll be the first to know. How was work? Piece of piss. Wolf has laid so much carpet that now he likes getting walked on too. Yeah, well, that's how a career works, isn't it? You start at the bottom` ...and then you take it in the arse for the rest of your life ` it sounds about right. Did you get paid? Tomorrow. I hope you like tax! Perhaps you could take that money as another bet, and then perhaps we can settle the arrears at a later date. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Why do you say perhaps all the time, Teddy? I don't know. Perhaps it's because` Perhaps you pay me now! Excuse me, Miss Iris, but may I have a quick word with my boss? If you must. Mr Ted, I'm worried that we're getting in over our heads. No, no, no, mate ` we're still very much in the shallow end. I've got this. How? This is how gambling works, Falani ` you win some, you lose some. Hence with every loss, we're one bet closer to our next win. If we do not pay Mrs Iris, then they will beat us, and then they will tell my father that I'm not a locksmith's apprentice. Relax, Falani. No one's getting beaten, all right? Iris, I'm good for the money ` I'm so goddamn good for it ` but, uh, it will have to be tomorrow. Tomorrow morning. I'll even skip breakfast. Don't disappoint me, Teddy. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (OMINOUS MUSIC) Where's Dad? Not here, is he? Falani says they spend all their time at the pub. Your father's always worked random hours, love. That's how it is for the self-employed. I'm just saying, it's not like him to miss dinner unless he's on a job. And he's just a bookie right now, so it's not like a real job anyway. Mm. And where, pray fucking tell, are all the real jobs that you lot are supposed to have? They're on their way, Rita. We've been working on it all day. (ROCK MUSIC) Fuck, that's refreshing! Right. And how about you? Are you as full of shit as these two? I'm still in the planning phase. Planning to do what, sit on your twat all day while Wolf's at work? Hey. I'm looking. Not everyone finds work as quickly as Wolf did. Never fear, Rita ` we'll all be earning a solid crust in no time. You'll be looking at a fully employed Eric and Sparky by this time tomorrow. I have complete faith in you. Evening, all. How are ya? BOTH: Hi. I saved you a plate. Thanks, love. I ate at the pub. Here, Falani. Thank you, Mrs Rita. This food is welcome comfort after a day of high emotion. What's with the mass exodus? Do I smell or something? Yeah, you do, but that's not why. Rita's law ` gotta get an early night so we can all get jobs tomorrow. (SCOFFS) Yeah, good fucking luck with that, the way little Piggy and his mates have screwed this country for the working man. This country is fucked, I tell you ` gone to the fucking dogs. Fucking hell! (SLAM!) I remember how things used to be, before you and Wolf got jobs. Sitting around all day. Well, except when we were doing burgs. Eating burgers. Getting wasted. Women lining up to root us. That never happened, Eric. Not to you. Or you. I would give anything to return to the reckless existence we once knew. Well, those days are over, boys. We've got to stop acting like a bunch of sexy Peter Pans and grow up. It's time for us to be the kind of men that women really want. But I thought that women wanted bad boys. Rich bad boys are even better. So no more pissing around and lighting farts for us, Sparky. Tomorrow we're getting balls-deep into the New Zealand workforce. OK, what about secretarial work? Anyone can answer the phone and file shit away, right? You know you don't have to do this. Just because my mum goes apeshit about something doesn't mean` Wolf, I give zero fucks what your mum thinks. Good. Because the only reason I am out there every day working my arse off is so you don't have to. Well, aren't you just the big man,... bringing home the bacon? But we're in this together, Wolf. No one said you had to do it on your own. (SCOFFS) What the hell is wrong with you? Me? At the pub all day, getting pissed. I'm running my book. That is your job between jobs ` it's not an excuse to get on the piss for weeks on end. You and the boys need to find a proper fucking score. Well, it's not that easy these days. Ted, right now your son is devoting his life to being a carpet-layer, a fucking carpet-layer! Well, you were the one who suggested that they all get real jobs! Only to put the shits up them, to get Wolf and Cheryl off their fucking high horses. Yeah, well, there's worse things they could be doing than earning a weekly wage. Like what? Like sitting round here all day, wasting their lives away. Ted, your son is a carpet-layer when you should be sorting him out for your next job, getting him back on side. There is no next job. Well, fucking find one! Oh, yeah, And where would you recommend that I start looking? It's a fucking desert out there Rita. And every safe that I touch is full of worthless bullshit. Yes, I'm running the book again, but I'm trying to get something going. (SIGHS) And you will, love. It's like staring into a fucking void, is what it's like. Ted,... we've been down before. We always get back up. Yeah. 'Course, love. (LAMP CLICKS) (SIGHS) Get unlimited data, talk and text with Vodafone for just $79.99 a month. Sign up in-store or online at vodafone.co.nz Good luck out there. Where are you boys off to? We are on our way to a very important business meeting. Right. (SYNTHESISER POP MUSIC) (DOOR SLAMS) (GRUNTS) (SNIFFS) (DRAWER RATTLES) (MOODY MUSIC) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (DRAWER RATTLES) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (DOOR CLICKS) Everything all right? Yep. Lovely jubbly. (INTENSE MUSIC) I have experience in retail. Well, it was a dairy ` my mum's dairy. I can answer the phone. I can call people on the phone. I'm pretty good when it comes to phones, really. It wasn't your normal, milk-and-eggs dairy, though. It was more high-end, like a deli. And I'm good at dealing with people. Like, really fucking good. Basically, I was store supervisor and quality consultant for a major food outlet. In Henderson. OK, look, I know I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm a real hard worker, so that's gotta count for something, right? Can you type? No. Come back and see me when you've had some typing lessons, and I'll see what I can do then. # She holds herself up with a dignity and grace. # She's searching for something she can only describe. I only see footsteps following me. # Look ` Mormons. (BOTH CHUCKLE) That's it! You want us to be Mormons? Not Mormons, but like Mormons. Start our own Church. That'd be cool. Instead of a cross, our Jesus could be on a power pole. Sparky, I'm saying we could be door to door salesmen, like Mormons do with religion. I heard about this guy once who went door to door selling encyclopaedias, and now he lives in a mansion with three bathrooms. A mansion would be cool. Oh, I'm telling you, Spark ` with your brains and my sales skills, we can't lose. All we need is a product that people will always want, like` BOTH: ...encyclopaedias. Or religion. Yeah! (SIGHS) How are your Cossack girls getting on? They are very happy in their new abode. Thanks again for that. Well, it was a team effort. And what a team we are! I just wish my tenants were as sensible as your hookers. Your boy's gone wayward again, has he? The opposite. WHISPERS: Wolf has decided to become a law-abiding citizen. What? Jesus. The youth is wasted on the young, Rita. Hell, I gotta go ` got some damage control to do. Another venereal outbreak? Bit of an issue with one of our regulars taking things too far. Well, ban the bastard. It's not as simple as that. He's on the council, has mates in the vice squad, and between them, they could close me down faster than a gay sauna. People go there to fuck, Rita. Why is that illegal? Because pricks like you make the money off the women doing the fucking. (CHUCKLES) Still feels wrong to me. Ngaire. Danny. Ooh, Rita. Rita, if you ever feel like getting away from it all, why don't you just shoot in sometime for a drink? I'll keep that in mind. You should do it ` Danny Peters, get it out of your system. A drink? And the bit where you fuck each other senseless. I do not wanna fuck Danny Peters. Sure, you don't (!) I really don't. Well, you're much more into the tracksuit-wearing kind these days. True, it's not Ted's finest moment. What a catch! I think it's lack-of-work related. He's always been more virile when he's on a job. Unlike Lefty, who just wanted it all the time ` before the job, after the job. But I wouldn't worry about Ted. He'll get his lust for life back. Or at least I hope so, because take it from someone who tried their hand at a respectable life ` it was not fulfilling. Well, I will see you later. Oh, by the way, Cheryl popped in this morning, looking to borrow something. Cheryl did? You owe me money for that thing. They're expensive. I'm only borrowing it to practise. And I'm only adding the hireage to your rent. (GROANS) Where the fuck is 'F'? (ROCK MUSIC) How's it going, guys? We're trying to invent the next million-dollar idea. Can you find a way to turn me into a professional typist in 24 hours? I doubt it. Maybe it doesn't have to be something new. Maybe it can be a new version of something old, like how Wolf has gone from carpet to carpet tiles. I don't get it. Products evolve, Cheryl. Carpet, carpet tiles ` what comes next? Lino? No! Carpet cleaner. How is that next? To clean the tiles. No. No, no, no. No, no. Next is, like, carpet that grows itself. Like flat sheep that you glue to the floor. Ew. Now you're just being ridiculous. Oh, it's a pity it's not carpet cleaner, cos I've got, like, the best carpet-cleaner recipe in the world. Hmm? What? How? Oh, you put it on the stain, and it cleans the carpet. No, how have you got this recipe? Oh, I thought of it, in my head. OK. I'm gonna leave you guys to it. And for future reference, it had nothing to do with me. You'll be begging us for a cut when we're millionaires. Oh, we can sell carpet cleaner! Yes, Sparky. We're gonna make the best carpet cleaner in the world. And we're going to call it StaiNo. Capital S, capital N ` Stain? No. WHISPERS: Argh. Fuck ya. Wolfgang West. Thanks, Cliff. Don't go and blow it all at the strip clubs, eh. No, no, I'm saving up so I can go at the end of the month. Cocky wee bastard, aren't ya? (CHUCKLES) So, you said you'd never done this sort of work before? Nah. I'm impressed. Last kid I hired left his Stanley knife in his pocket with the safety off, sat down for lunch ` nearly cut his dick off. Oh, ouch. Yeah, thank God for ACC ` I didn't really wanna fork out to fix a guy's dick. Yeah, nah, I get that. Anyway, there's nothing to worry about here. You're a natural, mate. Keep it up, Wolf-man. (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) You're really testing my patience, Teddy. How about you take that as part payment and I pay you the rest next week? Teddy, we're not in the business of loaning money; we're in the business of racing horses, and we all know what happens to horses when they do not deliver the goods, right? They get turned into glue. Sometimes glue, sometimes pet food, and sometimes eating through a straw at Waitakere Hospital. I did not know this. She means me, Falani. But today I'm feeling charitable, so perhaps we can come to an agreement. Yeah, some type of agreement sounds agreeable to me. I've heard, Ted West, that you're a man with a set of skills. I know a few things about a few things. Good, then perhaps you'll do a little job for me to settle your debt. What are we talking ` house burg, safe job? Nothing of the sort. Tomorrow there is a big race at Avondale. The Guineas. Tonight, I need you to break into a stable and feed a horse. Feed it what? Not for you to know. I'm guessing not oats. No, not oats. The horse's name is I'm Henry, and he needs to be fed at a very precise time. What'll happen to I'm Henry after we feed him? You don't care. Because after you do this, Ted, we're all square. (ROCK MUSIC) How are you getting on? Let me know if you want a tea break. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hi, Carol. I was just walking the dog, and I thought I'd say hi. Oh my God! Cheryl, you're a typist! I'm working on it. Yeah, if you stick around for a few years, you might actually see it happen. Typing was my favourite subject at school. I can show you a few tips if you like. That'd be lovely. Thanks. Nice to have someone supporting you when you're just starting out. (SIGHS) Beer o'clock, is it? Nah, not for me. Come on, mate. Let me buy you one. Nah, you don't have to do that. I'm not taking no, Wolf-man. My boss bought me a drink when I had my first pay, and it's been a tradition with me and my employees to this day, 20 years on. So come on. (CLANK!) (GRUNTS) (SLOSHING) What do you think? Wow. (CHUCKLES) Just wow. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) How we doing in the lab? Yeah, almost ready for testing. Excellent. What are you doing? Making a stain. Eric, no. Please. No. No? No. Oh. You are thirsty, Mr Ted. Hollow legs, mate. Grab me another one, will you? Oh, make it a scotch this time. I'll get the beers, mate. (CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (BEEP!) Jesus, Carol. I'm a little bit rusty. You must have practiced a lot when you were younger. A few hours a day, for seven years. Oh. Better get on with it, then, hadn't you? There you go. Cheers. So, how's things, Carol? Oh, Rita, things have really turned out for the better. Phineas has finally decided to go to a men's support group. A what? Men's support group. It's a group where men go to get support. What do they need support for? Someone put a flyer on his windscreen after they saw him crying at the pub. It took a bit of convincing at first, but then he got very brave and he said he'd give it a go. He's there right now. First, I was lying to Carol about rooting all the prostitutes, and now I'm lying to her about going to see some support group. It's this weird meeting where men get together to talk about their inner feelings. Sort of like what you're doing now. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Come on, now. Here you go, mate. These are for the pay rise I can never give you. Stupid bloody wage freeze. Piggy Muldoon, eh? Not the most popular man in my house. Mm. My old man hates him too. Yeah? And what does he do? Locksmith. But, um, he's retired at the moment. What did you say your lady's name was, again? Cheryl. And she's my fiancee. Ah. No messing around. Good for you. She's not pregnant, is she? Nah. She was, but we lost the baby. Oh, mate. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, it was a pretty tough time. Took us a while to get our heads sorted. Yeah, I bet. But we're good now ` sorting our shit out, saving to buy a house. Yeah, good for you. Gotta have your castle. Just remember ` mortgages are like marriages; you've gotta persevere with them. What about you, Cliff? Did you always want to do carpet-laying? Oh, shit no. When I was your age, all I wanted to do was play rugby. I was a pretty good player when I was younger. I even managed to put a tackle in on Colin Meads once. Broke my arm in three places. Happiest day of my life. (BOTH CHUCKLE) God! God! You stupid animal! Then before you know it, we're pregnant with our first, and I'm carpet-laying 80 hours a week, and now here I am. I never played again. You three-legged bastard! Still, no regrets, eh. Rugby's never gonna put food on the table, is it? How does that even happen? Stone motherless last! God. Hey, this has been great, Cliff, but I should probably shoot. Oh bugger. I was gonna invite you round for a feed. Maybe another time. My wife's cooking Italian. Italian? Yeah. It's the magic word. Let's do it. Come on, mate. Oi. What's he doing here? Hey. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) Cheryl, I have to say, I really admire your determination. That's our Cheryl ` she never gives up. And you'll get faster eventually. Well, no pain, no gain, Rita. Yeah. So far, I've only noticed the pain bit. It'll be worth it when I get an actual job requiring actual skill. Have you ever thought about typing? (SPLASH!) (GLUGS) Is that normal? So you don't think that I have a job? Not a real one. Love, I run my own business. The Galleria, sure, but it's not a normal job, is it, like normal people do. Well, normal people can get fucked. Ted and I have always lived by our own rules, and we're doing just fine. And where is Ted these days? I haven't seen him round much. I guess he's hard at work somewhere, right? (DOG WHIMPERS) Oh my God. What is that smell? Oh! Oh shit! Jesus! Evacuate! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (BARKS) (ROCK MUSIC) If you have damaged Barry's lungs with whatever that is, I will rip yours out and strangle you with them. Thanks for the drink. Sorry about your house. Not as sorry as they're gonna be. We should probably give it a few hours to let the fumes dissipate. Ya think (?) Recipe needs a bit of work. WHISPERS: Yeah, well it did kind of come to me in a dream. And what happened in that dream, Sparky? Oh, pretty much the same thing. Except in the dream, it was awesome, not life-threatening. (DOG BARKS) (BOTH YELL) How's your pasta? Mmm. Good. You want some more cauliflower gratin? Nah. No? No, thanks. All good. All right. (CHUCKLES) Wow, you've got a lot of kids. Pride of my life. But the little one's got mumps, so be careful. Pow, pow, pow! (ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC) I didn't think I'd see you so soon. I'm having more problems with my tenants, needed to get out of the house for a bit. As luck would have it, you ended up here. (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Hi, Rita. Hi. Dad, I need your help. Yeah, not right now, Hayden. Dad, they want Theresa. Excuse me. Theresa's not here. Yeah, she is. She doesn't do teams. (CHUCKLES) Since when do whores get to pick and choose? Since I gave my girls that right. Just like we have the right to shut you down. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS) Ask Valentina. Tell her it's her choice. She says no, it's not gonna happen; she says yes, you give her a big tip. That's the plan, Danny boy. Sorry about that. Charmers (!) The talkative one's the councillor I told you about. The other one's his vice-squad mate. The price of staying in business, eh? Sounds like she'll be the one paying it. CHILDREN: Bye Wolf-man! (CHUCKLES) (CHILDREN LAUGH) We'll have to do this again sometime. The kids bloody love you. Yeah, that girl of yours has got a good jab on her. So, was it a boy or a girl? Eh? Your baby. A girl. Bet she was a wee beauty. Yeah, she was, apparently. I couldn't be there. I was away. Some things are just out of our control, aren't they? There is one thing I can tell you for certain, though ` if you stick with this carpet game, you could do really well for yourself. You reckon? Yeah, run your own business, house, family ` just living the dream, mate. (CHILDREN YELL, LAUGH) Sounds great. Just work harder than the next guy ` that's all it takes, mate. So I'll see you next week, bright and early. Mr Ted? What? I've been thinking. Let me guess ` you have a niggling worry. I'm worried that after tonight's horse murder, we will be cursed forever. Horses are sacred animals. We don't even know that the sugar cube's actually gonna kill I'm Henry, do we? I guess not. It might even make him run faster. It is possible. It is also possible that he will run so fast that his heart explodes. Or he'll just get really, really sick and they'll scratch him from the race. Also possible. And even if we do kill I'm Henry, we'll be sending him to a happier place, won't we? The dog-food factory? These racehorses lead horrible lives, Falani, running around the track all day, getting hit by angry midgets. We'll be putting him out of his misery. Care to? You know me. (CHUCKLES) I do. Is Ted OK with this? If you know me, you know I don't need to ask for permission. True. (SNORTS) Oh! (SNIFFS) And besides, Ted has his own crosses to bear at the moment. Such as? It's nothing to do with you. Fair enough. Danny. Danny. What? (SNIFFS) Fuck. Have they gone? This man is fucking out of control! I am so sorry. Should I call the cops? No. No. Fucking animals! Jesus. What is it with these guys? Maybe if you didn't keep giving them what they want, Danny. Do you need a lift home? Thank you. Thanks for the drink. I'm sorry about this. Yeah, you fucking should be. How do you say 'revenge' in your language, Valentina? Zhazhda mesti. I'm sure you wouldn't mind some of that right about now. I want him to feel pain. Well, with the right information, I think I can help. (ROCK MUSIC) (MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS) (ENGINE CLICKS OFF) What's all that shit? Cheryl's typing career, I'm guessing. Fucking Qwerty piece of shit! You're finished late. Yeah, I had a few drinks after work. Saw Dad, actually. Yeah? He was pretty drunk. Is he home? Nope. No idea where he is. Why can't you let me and Cheryl make our own plans? I thought I was. No, torturing Eric and Sparky is your way of sending a message that you think our plans are bullshit. Your plans are bullshit. Well, only by your standard. You're slaving away in a job you hate, giving half your bloody pay to the government. Well, that's how everybody else is doing it. Yeah, but you're not everybody else, Wolf. I know you better than anybody, and this new life that you're living, it goes against everything in your nature. Yes, you two have been to hell and back,... but punishing yourself like this, it's not gonna make anything better. I just want us to have good lives. I know. And you will, love. But you have to be honest with yourself and with Cheryl. Because if you don't, you're really gonna fuck things up for both of you down the track. I'll think about it. (DOOR SQUEAKS) (CAR DOOR SHUTS) (CAR ENGINE STARTS) OK. Let's do this. (CAR DOORS OPEN) (CAR DOOR SHUTS) (CAR DOOR SHUTS) Wolf, that's fucking amazing. Yeah. And you'll make way more money if you're the boss, right? For sure,... I guess. And then you can hire staff. We can take holidays, and... (SIGHS) Except I don't think I'm cut out for it. I know how much it stressed you out when I was on remand, waiting to find out if I was gonna be sent away. I know you hated it, and I never wanna make you feel like that, ever again. But if we keep going the way we're going, we're gonna hate that too. And I'll be working all the time. You'll never see me. We'll be like everybody else out there, slaving away, worrying about tax, paying the mortgage. It's not me. No. It's not. And it's not gonna bring Helena back, is it? (SNIFFLES) (SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT) I don't, um... I don't think it's me, either. Really? The thought of spending my life typing ` I'd go fucking crazy and kill someone. (CHUCKLES) So what do you wanna do? I'm not sure. Will you go back to doing jobs again? It's what I know how to do. (SNIFFLES) Promise me you'll be careful. You promise? Cheryl,... I promise. OK, then. I can live with that. (BOTH SMOOCH) I hear that horses are very good sleepers. Is that so? Did you know that they can sleep standing up? No, Falani, I did not. And also with their eyes open. (SIGHS) You don't say. Which makes me wonder ` how will we know whether I'm Henry is awake when we try to feed him the sugar cube? Well, maybe I'll just ask him, Falani (!) Good idea, Mr Ted. Ah, here he is. (SPEAKS SAMOAN) I'm Henry. What the hell are you doing? Praying. OK, well, pray faster. (SPEAKS SAMOAN) Good? Yeah. Hello, I'm Henry. I'm Ted. Ready when you are. ECHOES: Mr Ted? All right, everyone. Time to cough up some rent. Today? Yes, Sparky, today. This is for me and Cheryl. Thank you, Wolf. Eric? Sparky? Look, I'd love to pay you, Rita, but Sparky's little chemistry experiment has cost us dearly. What would you say to an IOU? Not a chance, Eric. If you can't find a job, how are you gonna pay off your debts? Well, luckily for you, I might be able to help. Because I have a job that needs doing, Some real honest work. What sort of work? Yeah, I'll do most things. All right. Well, there's a man that I've come across recently ` he's a very rich man, and he thinks that he can get away with abusing women. That's disgusting. That's horrid behaviour. Yep, it is, and this man deserves to be punished. And in my experience, the best way to punish a rich man is to take away some of his riches. Hang on. This job sounds a lot like a job job. Yeah. What happened to us all doing no job jobs? Well, I guess that depends on your definition of honest work. This might not be a regular 9-to-5, but it's sure as shit for a good cause. So who's in? Me. As long as we get some moolah out of it. Yeah, me too, as long as we don't have to pay any rent. Done and done. Yeah, sure. Why not? We're back in business, boys. And I'm in too. Are you sure? I don't see Falani, so you guys are down a driver, right? As long as it's all right with Rita. I'm more than happy with that. (ROCK MUSIC) Now I positively cherish them. Look at those big, brown eyes. This is the time he won 'Baby of the Month' competition for the local Courier newspaper. 'Course, we weren't in very much doubt about it, cos he's so photogenic, eh? (CHUCKLES) I used to dread these afternoons. Now I positively cherish them. Play music. (JAUNTY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) Buckle up, Margaret. This is the future of bragging. # Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. # RADIO: Barrier four is I'm Henry. I'm starting to wish we didn't flush that sugar cube, Falani. But we may or may not have saved a horse's life. It's our lives I'm worried about now. RADIO: And they're off. DD SMASH: # Now, this is a story of gambling and lying and cheating and burning # and roping and shooting and duking and electrocuting... (ROCK MUSIC) Come on, I'm Henry. To be slow or fast? I've no idea. It's very confusing. (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) Aha. (MUSIC CONTINUES) I wanna cheer him on just because. Me too. Come on, I'm Henry! For the win! Come on, I'm Henry! WHISPERS: Come on, boys. (DD SMASH'S 'THE GAMBLER' CONTINUES) # I am a liar, a liar and a cheat. I got a lie up my sleeve. WHISPERS: Shit. # I'm gonna lie to you. I'm gonna cheat on you. You deserve everything you get... Excuse me? Hi. I'm really lost. Could you help me? Yeah, sure, love. # Wanna be. # I wanna be a liar, # a successful man... So, I'm meant to be meeting my girlfriend. She lives in Grafton. This is Parnell. Oh, all these weird one-way streets. I'm such a ditz. I've got a map inside, if you wanna come in. Look, that's really nice, but, um... What the heck is that? What the fuck?! # Roll the dice. # I am a gambler, a gambler and a cheat. I got a card up my sleeve... RADIO: I'm Henry's on the outside, 50 to go. I'm Henry in front. They won't catch him now. I'm Henry wins the Avondale Guineas. What a fantastic race from I'm Henry! # A gambler with a leading hand. (COUGHS) ECHOES: # Wanna be, I wanna be a gambler. # (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Should we run? I think fast talking's our best bet right now. Iris, I can explain everything. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) You did it, exactly as I asked. Our plan worked perfectly. It did? Ha! Of course it did. A few anti-inflammatories, delivered at the right time, sure makes an old horse forget about the pains of running, eh? Sure does. You should have seen him eat that sugar cube. Right, Falani? He gobbled it right up. Well done, Teddy. Your debts are settled. I'd like to give you something as a little thank you. That's very generous of you, Iris. You made me a lot of money today, Teddy. The least I can do is share the wealth. Uh, do you wanna take that money now, or do you wanna put it back on as a bet? Oh, I think it's probably best if I bank this loss. But what the hell ` there's life in this old horse too. And there's a wee filly in the Hawkes Bay Gold Cup that I fancy. What do you say ` double or nothing? Who am I to say no to a bet when I got nothing to lose? (CHUCKLE) Mr Ted, are you sure you want to do this? This is what I was telling you about Falani ` we're on a roll. We've gotta ride the momentum, like an old horse. Old horse. (SIGHS) (SYNTHESISER ROCK MUSIC) (MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS) (MUSIC FADES) So, we're back in business, then, are we? If that's what you all want, then yeah, sure. Bonzer! (LAUGHS) All right, well, give it back if you're not gonna smoke it. I can probably sort something for all of you if you're interested. We'll be out of your hair eventually, just as soon as we've saved up enough money for our own place. (DOOR OPENS) Evening, Rita. Not celebrating a robbery, by any chance? Well, that depends. Who's asking? I am, on behalf of the arsehole who just rang me assuming I knew about it. And what did you tell him? That I had no bloody idea, which I didn't. Then yeah, I guess we are celebrating. But only if you promise that the next time something like this happens, you pick up your fucking balls and you sort it. I do try, Rita. Honestly. I'll get you a drink. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY) Oh yeah. (COUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Having a party, are we? We all got jobs, and not even honest one's! Mm. Working with Rita. Oh. Well, then, three cheers for Rita. Oi, oi, oi. Well, someone looks like they've already started celebrating. Yeah. Falani and I have had a very good day. Mrs Rita, the truth is that last night we stopped a horse from getting murdered` Save it, Falani. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY) Evening, Ted. Danny Peaches. How are ya? Good. Rita. Get this man a drink. Show him some hospitality, will you? (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Whatever you want, Ted. (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING QUIETLY) Bilkey has a new job for us ` art heisting. I'm an art thief now. Sexy. If you say so. I told Carol she could have sex with other people. BOTH: Oh! You push the right buttons. Maybe there's something seriously wrong with me. I can help with that. Dire Straits, ladies and germs. And I have four tickets. Ted, are you fucking gambling? I'll replace the money. This is all on you. We need that money.