PEOPLE CHEER Every hour is happy hour. Hey! Oh, hell no. You boned her, eh? I hired her. Oh! (SPLUTTERS) You're insane. Stuff you! Yes, I'm a loser, and I ruin everything. I can't do this any more. Shit. It's a disaster. BASSY MUSIC PLAYS Oops. Sorry. Yep, you go. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Back in a sec. Yeah. Hiya. Hi, Xandra. I'm here to keep an eye on Hugo and make sure he doesn't overdo it. Who are you here to keep an eye on? No one. (LAUGHS) Hugo told me the sitch with the new girl. There's not really any sitch. You go over to Dave's house and there she is, hi, coming out of his bedroom. OK, Hugo has all the info, doesn't he? Look, that was quite some time ago. But, God, it must have been hideous. I'm just here to say hello to my partner. I don't mind whoever he's working with. Your mistake. I'm sorry? If you aren't being vigilant, you should be. You're wise to be insecure. Xandra, I'm not insecure about this. I'm a grown-up. # I know you want me. # OK. OK. For you, my love. Thank you. You OK? I'm great, yeah. Good. Sweet. Back in a second. (LAUGHS) Order up, bro. What are you doing? Towel origami. It's a good stress reliever. You should try it. I'm not stressed. You should be. With your missus here every night for the past two weeks making sure you don't knob the barmaid. Eh? That is not why Cara's here. She has been visiting a lot lately. It's called being crazy about each other` She is not sitting at that bar cos she can't stay away from you. It's because she doesn't trust you. She so does. Mine and Whitney's relationship is built on trust. Your relationship is built on what all relationships are built on ` fear and confusion. And so is yours. Oh, well, thanks for the pep talk (!) I'm going to believe in my girlfriend. Hey, hey! You... Women will never give it to you straight. You are a disgusting little pig man! I work all day, while you sit on your useless butt! (GROWLS) I don't want to live in filth! Oh, maybe stop chucking rubbish around? If you don't change your ways, you know what'll happen? (LAUGHS) That was awesome! I only have two work shirts and now this one is junk. Just fix it! Eh? Needle. Thread. Energy not wasted. But I'm not a housewife. I know that. A housewife would be of interest to me. < DOOR SLAMS CELL PHONE RINGS BEEP! Hi, Jen. Cara! Hi. How are you? Fine, thanks. Good. That's really great. Can I... help you with anything or...? Actually, yeah, I kind of have a favour to ask you. I have this big booking ` a full pamper package for a hen's night, and then in a few days the wedding. I had a student coming, but they bailed ` flaky as. Oops. Oh. Sorry. Just... Cara? Do you think you might be able to help out? Um, I'll have to think about it. I would cancel, but I can't really afford to. I'll call you back, OK. Um... Bye. DIAL TONE (SIGHS) You off? Yeah. I won't be late. No, no, no. No rush. You stay, have a staffie. (CHUCKLES) Really? Yeah, absolutely. Bye. BOTH: Mmm. Mmm. (CHUCKLES) Mmm. (CHUCKLES) Bye. Bye. (CHUCKLES) I definitely won't be late. These are girls from school ` normal, non-freak-show girls. Are they making fun of Scarlett? No. They want to be her since she did it with Kash. Jasmine, having sex does not make you cool. OK? OK. Good morning, sweetheart. Jas was just telling me you're making quite an impression with your school friends. Those sheep have no idea of the complex lineage behind those 15th-century hennins. It's historical misappropriation. Actually, this 'Scarlett is cool' thing probably won't last. Hey, I can take you girls to school this morning, if you like? No thanks. No way. No, are you sure? It's no trouble. Now` I have to brush my teeth! I can take him to school. It's all right; it's on my way to Arty Bees. Oh, by the way, Arty Bees has some great stuff to help fill the time. Come on, Logan! > OK. TRAFFIC RUMBLES, PEOPLE CHATTER Hi! Hi! I just thought I'd pop in,... see if I can find some inspiration for what to do today. Oh, wish I could help out, but I'm going to be flat out. I didn't expect you to entertain me. (CHUCKLES) This zero-commitment thing just feels like a bit of a free fall. Cool. What? (CHUCKLES) Sorry. You have my full attention. Maybe I could help out if you're flat out? Oh, shoot, sorry! Thought I'd be able to make a quick dash to get my shirt from the office. You were saying? Um... That wasn't cool, right? I'll tell her that wasn't cool. Just leave it, probably. I don't want to come across as insecure. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Because you're not, right? If I was the jealous type, would I be going out with a sexy bartender who's 15 years younger and who works exclusively with alcohol and attractive women? (LAUGHS) You can trust me, Cara. GLASSES CLATTER Don't mind me. Um, right, I should go. You don't wanna help out? You can stay and help` You've` You've got staff for that. (LAUGHS) I'm fine. Really fine. OK. Bye. See you. PEOPLE CHATTER In the absence of Jen, I need someone to talk to, but you can't be mean or judgemental or rude. Well, then you should probably hurry up. Do you remember when Dave and I broke up for a couple of weeks and he... slept with that girl, the waitress? She,... Georgia, now works at the Playground. (LAUGHS) Dave didn't want to hire her, but... Anyway she's... she's 25 and very attractive and probably quite nice. Actually, you know what, I don't know if she's nice, but... all I know is that she's there with Dave, who... had sex with her. Julia? You said I can't say anything mean, rude or judgemental, so... OK. I've got way too much time on my hands. My imagination is... I need to get busy. Very, very good idea. I love you. Bye. (SIGHS) Jen? Hi. Oh, I'm so happy you said yes. It's really good to see you. It's just one favour. And I'm really grateful. Julia said that if only one person wears a uniform, it's not a uniform; it's just a dress. Shall we? Oh. Wait. Cara, I'm really sorry. For everything. I know I got crazy over Dylan. And everything else. We've got work to do, so, um... Yeah. UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Come in. Hi. Hi! I'm Jen. This is Cara, my business partner. Hi, I'm Harriet. These are my bridesmaids. We are so looking forward to this! Bubbles? Yum. Uh, I don't think you'll have the best mani-pedi if we drink beforehand. Totes. (LAUGHS) True. So, um, Bridie goes first, obviously. OK. Shall we? Yep. The bedroom's upstairs. Uh, polishes are here, so have a look. How... to... sew... a... button... on... a... shirt. (LAUGHS) No way. This is going to blow your minds. You just figure out there's porn on the internet? I was googling 'how to sew a button a shirt', and... Hello, Percy. Oh, that doesn't look like my kind of porn, mate. So first you cut a good length of thread. Jesus! What is this? Shush! Then, I wet the wick of the thread, what I like to call it. Wow! Just... wow! What am I watching? That's Marion. Cara's former mother-in-law. This is on the internet? And there's more. Look how many hits they've had. Oh, there's one about fitted sheets. ...the eye any more. Hello, Percy. Who's Percy? Maybe it's old-people speak for 'Dear Diary'? 'Dear Diary' is old people speak for 'Dear Diary'. (SHUSHES) ...you put your right hand into the corner. You cup the right hand over the left hand, like that. So that's how you do it. I hate the bloody things. This is great. So great! . Oh, I'm gonna have to get you to give my fiance a private lesson. Is he on his stag do? Hmm, Waiheke, three-day golf retreat with his mates. How did you guys meet? Oh, well, I locked myself out of the house, right? And the locksmith turns up, and he's cute. So the next day I lock myself out of the house again, deliberately. Your fiance is a locksmith? That is so weird. It's a really vital profession, OK? Oh no, I know, I mean, I used to go out with... What's this tattoo? Oh, Sal. My fiance. It's his tag. So childish, but I don't even care. If you could just excuse me, I have to get more oil. WOMEN GIGGLE Cara, can I see you in the bathroom for a sec? It's about the, um` the massage oil. Is she having a reaction? No, Harriet, the bride that I am currently massaging` Yeah. ...is marrying Sal! My Sal! My significant ex! Oh! Wow, how do you know? He has a tag, and she has it as a tattoo. And I... Ooh! How can I not have seen that before? Cara, this is just really bad. Do you still have feelings for him? No, I was the one who ended it, but if she finds out that I'm Jen, the significant ex... OK, OK, don't panic. Jen is a common name, and she won't put it together if you don't make it a thing. It doesn't need to be a thing, OK? OK. OK. So let's just go back to work, finish the job professionally and get the hell out of here. Yes. Great. Thank you. You guys did such a great job. Thanks. Why don't you stay for a drink? Oh, thank you, we won't intrude. Oh, come on, the more the merrier! BRIDESMAIDS: Yeah! Actually, I could go a drink. ALL: Yay! Oh, really, Jen? I` (LAUGHS) I thought you had a thing? Oh, that thing isn't so much a thing as just... stuff. Right then. Uh, have a lovely night, all of you. (CLEARS THROAT) Just make sure the bubbles don't get to your head. Oh, they will! ALL LAUGH Thanks. Cheers! ALL: Cheers! Sorry for being here again. Everyone's going to be asleep at home and I need to wind down after work, so... You don't need an excuse. I love it when you visit. And... I have something that will cure your boredom. Hours of entertainment, in fact. Dave, can I see you for a second? Hold that thought. How's the baby? He's constipated. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah, he just started on the formula. Whitney doesn't like anybody touching her boobs. Yeah. Hey, Cara. Hi. Look, I just want to clear the air. The air's fine, OK? Good as gold. A-OK. (CHUCKLES) (COUGHS) I know it's probably weird me being here because of how we met, but that thing with Dave was a super meaningless thing. I don't even do relationships. That's great, and honestly we don't have to... Thank you. (SIGHS) I just want you to know that I only took this job, because I had to moneywise. That's the only reason. Of course. You are totally hot, and you and Dave make sense. Hot sense. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) And you're thinking, 'Please go and leave me alone.' (CHUCKLES) No, no, um... Look. Thank you, Georgia, for, um` for clearing the air. I appreciate it. BOTH SPEAK INAUDIBLY, LAUGH Oh no. That's no good. They seem to be getting along. Exactly. You might have to enlighten me. There's only one thing worse than two women fighting over you. Aw, no women fighting over you? Two women bonding over you. (LAUGHS) You laugh all you like, you'll shut right up when they start comparing notes. Women love to have something or someone in common. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, ALL CHATTER, LAUGH God, you are such a cool chick. I wish you were one of my bridesmaids! Seriously, if I could switch you out with Rita, I totally would. Third cousin ` making up the numbers. Harriet, I have to tell you something. OK. I'm Jen. Yeah. The Jen... Jen Albright. You don't know who I am? Oh, no, did I bully you in high school? Oh, God. You've never heard of me. Sorry. Oh no! It's OK. It's just... What are those bitches planning? SHRIEKS: I knew it! You guys suck! (LAUGHS) FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS Tell me you're not still at that hen's party. She didn't even know who I was. What, the bride? You told her? I started to, but she hadn't heard of me. Thank God! Do you know how awkward that would have made the spray tan session? Don't you get it? Sal has never mentioned me to her, not once. I'm not his significant ex! I don't know what you're on about. Why hasn't Sal been hating on me to her? My God, Jen. What the hell are you doing? Who cares? Cara, I don't think you have any idea how` I needed you to be reliable! I gotta go. I can't help you with this. Good night. See you. (SIGHS) God. Everything OK? Yeah, Just a friend who is a bit drunk and a bit crazy. Oh, what's Jen done now? I'll tell you all about it later. Sweet. I'll go cash up, and then we'll, uh, hit the road. OK. I have` Hmm. (LAUGHS) You go. I was just saying ` early lecture tomorrow. What are you studying? Well,... I'm off. Have a good night. You OK? Did Georgia say something? What, then? Nothing. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Uh, shall we go? Yeah. . Well, how significant is significant? Because sometimes we can gauge it wrong, like a 10-year marriage, for example. Permanent ink significant! Oh, Jen. You should know by now a tattoo is always going to outlast any real affection. I thought it was going to be forever. Uh, you sound like Cara ` her and Stewie's ridiculous matching tats ` forever inked, forever linked. You're right! Probably, but be specific. Harriet must know who I am, because Sal's got my name on his butt too! LAUGHING: Oh my God. 'Sal', I kind of get ` it's almost exotic ` but 'Jen'? Harriet has to have seen it. Maybe he got it lasered off. He wouldn't have. Would he? I haven't. I just sometimes wonder about him, and I assumed he wondered about me too. Like, I'm the ex that the current feels jealous about, you know? Hmm. What is that? It's an inventory of Phillip's belongings; column A ` he gets back, and column B ` I keep. Column B is quite long. (LAUGHS) What are you going to do with Phil's fishing rods? Fish. One day, maybe. I would appreciate the possibility anyway. Golf clubs? Those are just vindictive. Oh, so good of you to join the land of the living (!) Even better if you'd put some clothes on. Hello, Percy! When folding fitted sheets,... (CHUCKLES) the first thing you do is you cup the left-hand corner of the sheet over the right-hand corner just` Have you been going through my personal files in my computer? What's going on? Dave has intruded on my privacy, my personal videos. Ah, no, not personal. Azza found them online. What on earth are you talking about? What do I search for, butt brain? Ah, Az typed in 'how to sew a button on a shirt.' Hello, Percy. OMG! I found it! I also vacuumed. You are like a housewife. I don't know if I'd say that. It's kinda hot. Yep, housewife for sure. I thought you were off sex cos of the hormones? Are you really gonna stall? Do you remember that waitress I was telling you about? Well, something happened. Oh, dear. Well, it was bound to. He's not` No, no, Julia, Dave didn't` I trust him and` Oh, God, forget it. I'm sorry. Tell me. I won't be judgemental or mean or yadda yadda. OK. (SIGHS) Last night,... Hmm. ...Georgia, she, um` (LAUGHS) She kissed me. What do you mean kissed? Properly, on the lips. Well, that sounds about right. How? I met this woman coming out of my boyfriend's bedroom after a very coed kind of night. Mm-hm. Kissing me doesn't quite make sense. I mean this is what happens when you hang around with people that age. Is it? What, you never kissed a girl when you were young, dumb and full of... spunk? I never had the chance to be young, dumb and full of anything. I met Stewie when I was a teenager. Yeah. OK, maybe a little bit dumb. (CHUCKLES) Wait, are you saying you've kissed a girl? Oh, Cara, between you and Jen, I feel like I'm back in high school. Do you know she has the most idiotic tattoo on her behind? Oh, God, I hope she's still not obsessing today. Jen? God, it's been ages. I know, since... yeah. Sal. Look who it is! > Hi, Sal! Are you OK? Who is Percy? He's... my pen pal. What's a pen pal? The December after your grandfather died, a Christmas card arrived for him, for Dougie, from an old friend of his, Percy. He didn't know Dougie had passed, so I wrote to him with the bad news. He replied with his condolences. We kept writing. That's really cool. Percy's wife died recently and he's been having trouble with little household tasks. (CHUCKLES) He's completely useless, like most men my age. (CHUCKLES) I saw a way to help. The videos. That's really nice of you, Gran. I thought so. You can't trust people these days, Scarlett, but Percy won't be hearing from me again. So, you're here because you met my fiancee and she doesn't know who you are? Well, yeah. Why doesn't she know who I am, Sal? I don't know. You are my history, and I thought that I was your history too. Like, I would sit with Dylan and drink wine and tell him all my Sal stories. Who's Dylan? Your bloke? I don't have a bloke. And I always liked to think that somewhere out there, you might be telling someone all your Jen stories. But you weren't. Oh my God, you must think I'm mental. Yes, but I've always known that. Harriet has never heard my Jen stories because, well, she doesn't want to hear about any other chick. She gets crazy jealous, like scary. She must have seen your butt with my name? Also I buried that stuff a long time ago. You broke my heart, mate. And it took a long time and a lot of alcohol to get over it, and... yeah. Oh my God, I'm an arsehole. You are such an arsehole. So, uh, just you working? For now, but, uh, your new best friend will be in shortly. You were pretty cosy with her last night. Should I be worried? What do you mean? No. Why? I don't think so. Cara? Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) You were pretty weird when we got home and weird this morning. Was I? Hugo suggested that you two might be... comparing notes. (SCOFFS) Women don't do that. I don't think. So... what were you talking about? Oh, just her university studies. Nothing interesting. (CHUCKLES) OK. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Good plan, Cara. I'm sorry? Keep your friends close and the skanks that bang your boyfriend closer. That is not what I'm doing. Actually, um, I've got kind of a weird question to ask you. I was wondering whether you had ever... kissed a girl before? Alex has. Alex? The old me, before I was Xandra, a few times ` back-up plan number five. Back-up plan? Get a guy to notice you. After spreading a rumour that you are a child gymnast, but before accidently exposing a breast, you kiss another hot girl. Ah, OK. Um, what if you kissed a girl a-and no one else was around? Hmm, that would mean I was a lesbian or bisexual. Or pansexual. Or drunk and confused. Did someone kiss you, Cara? Oh, look, I might be making more out of it... (LAUGHS) than what it really is, um. It was probably just a friendly kiss. Was it like this? No, no, um, it was not like that. Like this? CRASH! . What the hell is going on? Georgia kissed me! That was Xandra! Georgia also kissed me. What?! Oh, so sorry. Is everything OK? Uh, actually, no, because apparently my girlfriend is trying to kiss people, like you, for example. Uh, actually, people are kissing me, not the other way around. I'm sorry if I caught you off-guard last night, Cara. What are you doing? Are you trying to mess with my girlfriend? Well, yeah. Look. I think you are both... interesting. I'm just going to come out and say it. I think the three of us could have... fun. One night together. Wait, are you suggesting a`? Yes. I am suggesting that. Look, you don't have to say anything. Think about it, talk about it and get back to me. No worries either way. It was a pretty weird offer. We shouldn't take it seriously. Are you sure? Yeah, 'course. Because your eyes were doing this kind of Disney-cartoon thing, like when Wiley Coyote sees Road Runner, so... (LAUGHS) That's Warner Brothers, not Disney. OK. I think you love the idea of it, Dave. Is that a trick question? It's not a question at all. I just know that it's every man's fantasy. (SIGHS) I wouldn't want to do something that you weren't into. OK. What if... I was into it? Are you? I just think that sometimes I missed out on being young and having adventures. Before you, there was Stewie, and that's it. Which is fine. I don't even know what pansexual is! Does everything. I knew a girl once ` did it with a washing machine. How is that even...? Uh! (SIGHS) Hmm. You know, sometimes I think I'm just an old prude. And maybe I should, you know,... be more adventurous. Please don't do it with the washing machine. And I can tell you for a fact that you are not a prude... or even that old. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) I'm just going to grab some parsley out of the garden. What's wrong with her? She hasn't told me off once this morning. Gran broke up with Percy. Wait, Percy is a real person? I think she's really sad. Maybe she's heartbroken? Maid Marion with a boyfriend. The entire Universe would have to redefine itself. He lives in Canada, milksop. Wait, how did Gran meet someone in Canada? Who cares? It's a perfect match ` so far away. As full of crap as he is, maybe old people are entitled to love as well? Hey, I'm off. OK. Mwah! I'll say hi to Georgia for you. Just kidding! Too soon? Get out of here. You had two! Did not! Gran, she had two already! I bagsed it first! Stop it! Two grown girls fighting over a sausage! CAR HORN BEEPS Abby's Mum's here! Bye, honey! Bye! Uh, w-what time will he want picking up? Threesome. Three! O'clock. 3 o'clock. CELL PHONE BEEPS, VIBRATES (GROANS) Uh. Cara? Jen, hi. Sorry to... call you,... especially after the other night, telling you off like that` We're still friends. MAN SNORES > I'll come over. DIAL TONE (SNORES) I haven't had adventures, you know? I'm kind of a prude. I'm only even thinking about it because that's what 24-year-old guys do, right? I slept with Sal. The groom of the bride that you are spray-tanning tomorrow? I wanted to know why he hadn't told Harriet about me, and it turned out I broke his heart. I am his significant ex after all. What is wrong with you? You are unbelievable. This is not OK. I know it's not, and he changed my name to 'Zen' on his bum. I don't care about his bum! How could you, Jen? You were just talking about having a threesome with your 24-year-old boyfriend and his ex-root! Even though both of us know you'd never go through with it because you're too straight and too perfect and, yes, a prude! Hey. I think we should... consider this. Consider what? The, um,... adventure. OK. Consider it under consideration. OK. Far out. What's happening? Uh. Hey. Why are you sneaking? OK, but you have got to promise not to tell. DING! Remember to be professional if that's even possible. WOMAN SOBS > (SOBS) Can I see you in the other room, Jen? Is everything OK? No. Harriet, I am so, so sorry. You seem like a lovely person and` I'm not lovely, nowhere near! Oh, shit. (SOBS) Shit! (SOBS) The stripper. Oh... wow, that's a lot of hickeys. SOBBING: I'm so, so, so, so, so awful. No! People make mistakes. Even just before their wedding. We are going to fix this. Everything's gonna be OK. Morning. Morning. So... If me and Cara were to take you up on,... you know, um,... how would that work exactly? You guys are up for it? Well, it hasn't been taken off the table. So...? You lucky son of a bitch. Just, you know, with the kids and the ex-faux mother-in-law... I thought you said we weren't meant to sleep with employees. This is a three-way, Liam. All bets are off. I don't know if our house would be ideal. I'm living with my parents at the moment. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to have that conversation. Mm-hm, mm-hm. A hotel? Sounds sensible. (SNIGGERS) Sensible. Moron! What are you girling out about? You've had threesomes before. Yeah, but this is different. Cara's my serious, in-love-with, girlfriend. Shit, the videos are gone, Marion's videos. See you, Az. Come on. Hey, house bitch, you got something you wanna show me... in your freshly ironed pants?! > Hang on! No. . Gran, we have something to confess. We emailed Percy. And before you get angry, he sent us a message for you. I haven't got my glasses. READS: Dearest Marion` Logan, no! 'I am horri` 'horror-' READS: ...horrified that I have hurt you. I never intended to. READS: I thought your videos could empower other men like me, 'so I created the 'Hello, Percy' channel. I sent you a link a while back.' Oh, yes, he did. I assumed it was a ridiculous cat video and didn't bother with it. READS: I'm sorry I got it wrong. My turn again! (READS) Please forgive me. You are so important to me. READS: All my love, Percy. Gran, you've got a legit long-distance relationship going on. He really likes you! Well, it doesn't matter now. I was beginning to think that Percy was emailing me too often anyway. I could do without the distraction. The beautiful bride! BRIDESMAIDS CHEER (GASPS) That's a really bold shade, Harriet. Um, looks really festive. You are so Geordie Shore right now. Hotness. Yeah, it's really nice. Oh, you are a lifesaver. Oh, don't be silly. You guys have been so wonderful. Now, Sal and I are in the honeymoon suite tonight, so this room is free if either of you would like it. Oh, I'll take it! Thank you, that's really generous. Oh, and come to the wedding! The more the merrier! BRIDESMAIDS: Yeah. Why is she orange? It was necessary. (SIGHS) Did you sabotage her wedding day? Oh my God, why would I do that?! I don't know, Jen. Why do you do anything? She doofed the stripper! Hickeys head to toe. I was saving her marriage. Bloody hell. And it seemed like a pretty loose wedding. I don't see the harm in dropping in for a couple of drinks. You don't see the harm? Two nights ago you slept with the groom! And she slept with the stripper, so now they're even. (SCOFFS) Oh, calm down, Judgey McJudgey. Maybe that's just how they roll. Well, you know what? It's bullshit. Yeah well, maybe not everyone has what you have. It hasn't even occurred to you, has it? Does it look like I'm having fun here, Cara? I just want what you want, what everyone wants. To live happily ever after. But loved-up, perfect-boyfriend bliss isn't always right there with its hands up, so lucky you. ELEVATOR DINGS Hello? Dave isn't here. I'm looking for you. Why did you take down your 'Hello, Percy' channel? If you've come all this way to poke fun at me... Did Dave put you up to this? No. I needed those videos. No one ever taught me how to sew a button, and I can't cook. I can't even poach an egg. Ridiculous. And you've met my girlfriend. If you thought she was crazy before, imagine her jacked up on pregnancy hormones. Good God. You're breeding? I need to be a domestic god, and I can't do that without your help. Please, Mrs Marion, I need you. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Men are all the same at any age. Um, well, what is it exactly that you need help with, Aaron? Ironing, mould removal, letting out seams... Well, I suppose I could give you some pointers. Gran, no. I have a way better idea. GROUP TALKS INAUDIBLY Three guesses what they're talking about. Nah, we haven't really come to a firm decision. Oh. I don't think we have. Everything all good, slugger? (LAUGHS) Everything's pretty crazy, actually. Really? Yeah. I'll tell you about it later. Um... What's that? A surprise. Hey, um, Marion's happy to mind the kids if you're happy to have a little room service and breakfast in bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. You betcha. I'll see you at the hotel. I'll be taking advantage of the spa bath. Looks like it's game on. Hmm, The one good thing about the mature woman ` not afraid to experiment. There's another video on the way. (LAUGHS) You too. Bye, Percy. Uh, do you think the lipstick's a little much? Nope, you look smoking. Oh. (LAUGHS) Can you move to the left a bit, Logan? (SIGHS) Ready? (CLEARS THROAT) And... action. (CHUCKLES) Hello, Percy... and friends. Today I'm going to demonstrate how to poach an egg. It's easy if you know all the right tricks, which I do. BETTY: I... love... the... way... AZ GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY you... fold.... sheets! BETTY SHRIEKS ECSTATICALLY, AZ GRUNTS Hey, I'm going now. Cool. See ya. Yep, cool. Catch you later, right? No doubt. (EXHALES DEEPLY) Make me proud. Make us all proud. GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS Isn't it lovely? Yeah. (CHUCKLES) You want to try this guy out while we're waiting? Waiting? Hmm? Are you sure it's a good idea? I just don't want to,... you know... (LAUGHS) You don't seem very relaxed. How about a massage? OK. Yeah? OK, come on. OK. Hmm. Oh. You are quite good at this. I hope so since usually I charge money for it. BOTH CHUCKLE KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, that was quick. Really quick. OK. No! Wait! Don't! I'm sorry. I just, um... I thought it was what I wanted, because I guess that's what I think I'm supposed to want, but... I don't. Dave` I've done the crazy stuff, and I know that you haven't, but that's OK. I don't want to share you, because you're mine, and I'm yours, and the thought of anyone else trying to get up in that is just... OK, but I should probably let in room service. What? I told Georgia, 'Thanks, but no thanks,' because we are doing just fine, adventure-wise, on our own. (LAUGHS) KNOCK AT DOOR Room service. Isn't she supposed to be with Dave and Cara... nude? Looks like Dave is going to be disappointed. I don't get it. You are at university studying sex? Post-grad psychology ` modern sexuality. It sounds like you're just using it as an excuse to be a bit kinky. It's all part of the bigger picture. You know, it's not always easy trying to find people to be kinky with. Oh, no you don't, sister. Uh-uh. I would need at least three more of these and Channing Tatum to walk through that door dick first, before I would even consider it. BOTH LAUGH # I don't want to wake up lonely. I think 'adventurous' is sounding a little tame after that. (LAUGHS) I'm quite flattered, though, that Georgia would be interested. We are clearly not a boring, conservative couple. No, of course we're not. Threesomes. God, I don't think anyone actually does them. # They're slipping through my hands. # I swear my heart was made. (SIGHS) # And my feet will always land. # I don't wanna wake up lonely. # I don't wanna just be fine. # I don't wanna keep on hoping. # Forget what I had in mind. # Captions by Antony Vlug. Edited by Jessica Boell. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015