* WOMAN: Mummy's going out, darling. But Roger will take very, very good care of you. Otherwise he'll go back to the science lab! Please, don't worry. Whatever you say. Yes, ma'am! Aye-aye, sir! Okey dokey! I'll look after him like my own brother... ..or sister...ow! Or my brother's sister, or my... Gah bah cookie... ..or my ninth cousin, who is... Cookies. ..or my 17th cousin, 156 times removed from any side! CRASH I'll save you, babyyyyyyyyy! Cookie. Don't burn yourself, Baby Herman! Who turned out the lights?! It's dark in here! Cookie. Ow! Ow! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Cookie. Cookies. I'm here, baby... Cookie. Cookie. Cut! All right, that's it. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! What was wrong with that?! Nothing with you. You were great! Perfect! Roger keeps blowing his lines! Roger, what's this?! A tweeting bird. Roger, read the script. It says rabbit gets clunked and sees stars. Not birds! Stars! Lose the playback, please! You're killing me! How many times must we do this damn scene?! I'll be in my trailer! (Screams) Excuse me, toots. I can't take this. Clean it up! Get him out of there! Say lunch! That's lunch! BELL I can do stars! Just clunk me again! We've done 23 takes! Don't worry about me. I'm worried about the refrigerator. I'll give you stars. Look! Look! Look! Toons. Mr Maroon, Mr Valiant is here to... He'll be right with you. No! Wait until he gets up, then hit him! Right. What do you know about show business, Mr Valiant? Only that there's no business like it. There's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget! The rabbit can't remember his lines. Know why? One too many refrigerators hit him? He's a toon. It doesn't hurt! But his heart is broken. Read that. "Seen cooing over a sugar daddy was Jessica Rabbit, "wife of cartoon star, Roger." How does this concern me? You're a private detective. I'm too busy. His wife's poison, but he thinks she's Betty Crocker. I want you to get some nice juicy pictures of her. I don't work Toon Town. Every Joe loves Toon Town! Then get Joe to do it. Feller, you don't have to go to Toon Town. Nobody said you had to go to Toon Town. Have a seat, Valiant. The rabbit's wife sings at a club. It's the Toon Revue - strictly humans only, OK? So, what do you think, Valiant? Well? It'll cost you 100 bucks. 100 bucks? That's ridiculous! So's the job. All right, you've got your 100 bucks. Have a drink, Eddie. I won't say no. MAN: You're going to drop it. I'm not dropping it! RAUCOUS MUSIC Aaargh! Kind of jumpy, aren't you, Valiant? It's just Dumbo. I know that. I've got him on loan - and half the 'Fantasia' cast. The best part is... ..they work for peanuts. I don't work for peanuts. Where's the other 50? Let's call it a carrot to finish the job. You've been hanging around rabbits too long. Oh, excuse me. Ohhhhhhh! I'm no bank. Wait for me! Come on, come on! Hurry up! Hurry up! Ain't you got a car? Who needs a car in L.A.? We've got the best transportation system in the world. See you later! 'Bye, mister! Thanks for the cigarettes. Any time. Eddie, how's it going? What you got? The usual bills. Harry, are you OK? What's with Earl? Laid off? Cloverleaf bought the Red Car. No kidding? The Red Car? Put the poor guy on two weeks' notice. Oh well, here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning. Tomorrow's Friday. You know what happens on Friday? The fish special? My boss checks the books. I need that money in the till. Don't bust a button, Dolores. 50 bucks. Where's the rest? It's only a snoop job away. You got that camera? Mine's in the shop. The pawn shop? You need the other 50, I need the camera. Any film in there? Should be. I haven't used it since our Catalina trip, long ago. We'll have to do that again some time. Sure, Eddie. TRAIN RUMBLES Paper good? Just check the scrawl. R.K. Maroon? As in Maroon Cartoons? Maroon Cartoons? Who's your client, Mr Detective to the Stars? Chilly Willy? Screwy Squirrel? What are you drinking? A beer. What happened, huh? Somebody kidnapped Dinky Doodle? Stop it, Angelo. I know - you're working for little Bo Peep, she's lost her sheep. (Laughs) Get this straight, meatball. I don't work for toons. So what's his problem? A toon killed his brother. Dropped a piano on him. * Got the password? Walsh sent me. Nice monkey suit. Wise-ass. LOUD PIANO MUSIC Look at that! (Speaks indecipherably) Can anybody understand this duck? Most amusing. I've worked with lots of wise guys, but you're dethpicable! (Donald Duck replies) I won't work again with thomeone with a thpeech impediment. Oh, yeah?! This means war. (Laughs) That's funny? It's a panic. I'll stick it up your nose. Calm down, the stain's gone. It's disappearing ink. No hard feelings? Look, I'm... You're Marvin Acme, the guy that owns Toon Town. Acme's always funny. Put it there, pal. BUZZER The hand buzzer - still our biggest seller. Scotch on the rocks. And I mean ice! Hot stuff! APPLAUSE Those ducks never get to finish the act! Great. Thanks. Toons. WOMAN: Cigars? Cigarettes? Eddie Valiant! Betty? Long time no see. Why are you here? No work since cartoons went to colour. But I've still got it. Boop-de-doop! Yeah, you've still got it. APPLAUSE What's with him? Mr Acme never misses Jessica's performance. He likes rabbits, huh? SONG: # You had plenty money in 1922 # You let other women make a fool of you # Why don't you do right # Like some other men do? # Get out of here... # SHE'S married to Roger Rabbit? Yeah. What a lucky girl. # Now if you had prepared 20 years ago # You wouldn't be wandering now from door to door # Why don't you do right # Like some other men do? # Get out of here # Get me some money too # Get out of here # Get me some money too # Why don't you do right # Like some other men... # ..do? # < Who is it? Jessica dear, have no fear, Marvin is here. You sure murdered them tonight. I mean it. My darling, you were superb. You absolutely, truly, honestly ferschmullioned that audience. You killed them, you slayed them, you... GROWL What are you doing, chump? What was that, chimp? (Yells) Don't show your peeping face around here again! Ooga booga! My dear Jessica, come here. Everything is arranged here on the bed. Not tonight, Marvin. I have a headache. But Jessica, you promised. Oh, all right. But this time take off that hand buzzer. Patty cake, patty cake, patty cake, patty cake... ..patty cake... Marvin! Patty cake! Patty cake! (Groans) Marvin! Patty cake... You've gotta be kidding me. Patty cake! Patty cake! (Sobs) I don't believe it! Patty cake! Patty cake! That girl! You're not the first whose wife has patty-caked on him. I just don't believe it! I won't believe it. I can't believe it. Believe it, kid. I took the pictures myself. She played patty cake. Not my Jessica. Not patty cake. It's impossible. It can't be! It can't be! Jessica is my wife. It is impossible! Jessica is the apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee. Better start drinking it black. It's hard to believe that Marvin Acme is a sugar daddy. He must've forced her. This will make you feel better. Thanks, I needed that. Son of a bitch. Look, Mr Maroon, I think my work here is finished. You owe me that carrot. That's the deal. Great. Thanks. Roger, I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someone new. Won't he? A good-looking guy like that - the dames will be chasing him. Dames? What dames? You'll see, we'll rise above this piddling peccadillo! We're going to be happy again! Got that?! At least he took it well. Domino's secret to delivering oven-fresh pizza in minutes isn't cutting corners. It isn't driving quickly. It's opening more kitchens closer to more people. What kept you? For hotter, fresher pizza, choose 20-minute delivery guarantee. From Domino's. (Weeps) Jessica. Please tell me it's not true. Please! FOOTSTEPS Lieutenant Santino. Where did you come from? You should've come to me for money. I took dirty pictures. So kill me. I've already got a stiff. Huh? Marvin Acme - the rabbit cacked him last night. What?! HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER Now what? I haven't been near Toon Town for a while. Ow! My biscuits are burning! Fire in the hatch! Great horny toads, that smarts! Come on, Eddie, let's get this over with. He's with me. Typical toon - drop a safe on a guy's head! Sorry, Eddie. You'd better wait here, all right? Hey, Chisel, get a load of this. Have you seen one of these? Hey, guys! Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? I heard you changed your name to Jack Daniels. What's that? Paint from the rabbit's glove. WOMAN: Mr Valiant. I hope you're proud of yourself and those pictures you took! (Shoes squeak) Help! Somebody grab those walkers. BUZZ Ow! Is this man removing evidence from the scene? Judge Doom, Valiant was getting it for you. Weren't you, Eddie? Hand it over. Sure. ELECTRIC BUZZ His number one seller. Working for a toon has rubbed off on you. I was working for Maroon, not a toon. Mr Maroon said the rabbit became agitated over the pictures. The rabbit said he and Jessica would be happy somehow. Is that true? Do I look like a stenographer? Shut up. The man's in charge. That's all right. From his smell, I'd say it's the booze talking. The rabbit won't get far. My men will find him. POLICE SIREN Weasels! They have a gift for the work. All right, you mugs. Fall out. You found the rabbit? Don't worry. We've got informants all over the city. We'll find him. Any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr Valiant? Have you tried Walla Walla? Cocamunda? Kokomo's very nice this time of year. You should cooperate. A human's been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that? SQUEAKING NOISE (Squeaks) With Toon Town under my jurisdiction, I aim to rein in the insanity. The only way to do that is to make toons respect the law. (Squeaks) How did that gargoyle become a judge? Spread some samolians around Toon Town. Bought the election. Yeah? What's that? Remember how they always thought you couldn't kill a toon? Doom found a way - turpentine acetone benzene. Calls it the Dip. I'll catch the rabbit, Valiant. Then I'll try him, convict him... ..and execute him. (Whimpers) Jesus! (Weasel laughs) That's one baby shoe, hey boss? They're not kid gloves, Mr Valiant. That's how we handle things in Toon Town. You of all people should appreciate that. GLOVE SQUEAKS Hey...HEY! Wait a minute! I've tried, but can't make him quit. What would you know, you dumb broad? You Valiant? Yeah. I want to discuss the Acme murder. Hey, doll, get me a racing form. Ooh! OK, I'm going. The ladies' man, huh? I've got a 50-year-old lust and 3-year-old dinky. Must be tough. The rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's no murderer. He's my dear friend. The whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. The paper says Acme left no will. Every toon knows Acme had a will, leaving Toon Town to us. That's why he was murdered. Anybody seen this will? No, but he gave a solemn oath. If you believe that joker, the gag's on you. Since you got my pal in trouble, you should help get him out. I can pay you. Save your money for some elevator shoes. Please don't, Valiant! (Screams) My stogy! (Wails hysterically) * Ain't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. All I did was take some lousy pictures. Baby was right! To hell with it! (Both scream) How'd you get in? Through the mail slot. I waited inside, seeing I'm wanted for murder. Now I'll be up for aiding and abetting. Wait! Anybody know you're here? Nobody. Not a soul, except... Who? I didn't know your address. I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. I asked the fireman, greengrocer, butcher, baker. They didn't know. But the liquor store guy knew. So the whole damn town knows! Take it easy! Get out! You're making a big mistake. I didn't kill anybody! Out! It's a set-up, a scam! Ow! I couldn't hurt anybody! Ow! My whole purpose in life is to make people la... ..laugh! I got a little steamed over those pictures of Jessica. I raced over to the club, but she wasn't in her dressing-room. So I wrote her a love letter. Wait! In a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter? Right. I knew she was an innocent victim of circumstance. The old lipstick on the mirror routine? Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found some nice clean paper. (Reads) "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. "One 1,000, two 1,000, three 1,000..." Why didn't you leave the letter there? A poem of this power and sensitivity... ..must be read in person. I went home to wait for her. But the weasels were there, so I ran! Why come to me? I took the pictures of your wife. You also helped all these toons. When a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go - Valiant and Valiant. Not any more. Get out of that chair! That's my brother's chair. Where is he? He looks like a sensitive and...sober fellow. Right, I'm calling the cops. Go ahead. I come for help. Don't feel guilty about me. So long and thanks for nothing! That's the closet! Stupid. Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest! Get out! Idiot. I've got no keys for these cuffs. POLICE SIREN Huh? Come on, get out! Move it, would you? Move it. Ahh! It's the Toon Patrol! Hide me, Eddie, please? Remember, you never saw me. Get out of there! Don't let them find me. Come on, you're my only hope. (Knocks) Open up in the name of the law. You know there's no justice for toons any more. If the weasels get me, I'm as good as Dipped. We just want the rabbit. What are we going to do? (Knocks) What's this 'we' stuff? They just want the rabbit. GUN SHOTS Looks like they've given us the slip, boss. Nah! Valiant's got him stashed somewhere. (Hums) Hold it right there. Hello, boys. Didn't hear you come in. OK, wise guy, where's the rabbit? Haven't seen him. (Sniffs) What's in there? My lingerie. See you, Valiant. (Splutters) Search the place, boys. And leave no stone unturned. We got a reliable tip-off the rabbit was here, corrugated by several others. So cut that bull-schtick. Keep talking like that and I'll have to wash your mouth out! (Splutters) (Laughs) (All laugh) Stop that laughing! Stop that laughing! Know what happens when you can't stop laughing? (Laughs) One day you're going to die laughing. As for you, Valiant, step out of line and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry. (Laughs) Come on, boys. Let's amscray. They're gone. Eddie, that was swell! You saved my life. How can I ever repay you? Ugh! For starters, don't ever kiss me again. (Spits) Ugh! (Mutters) Stop kicking, you! Stop kicking! Dolores. Dolores! TRAINS RUMBLE (Screams) Dolores! (Mutters) Eddie, you made front page. Guess I made some ink. What ink! That's enough, Eddie. That a rabbit in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? Cut the comedy. I've had a hard day. Got to get out of these cuffs. Swell! Whoa! Jeepers, Eddie, that almost killed me! Ow! What's this? Some secret room? A rotgut room. Holed over for prohibition. I get it - a hooch parlour! Tools are up here, Eddie. It's a spy-hole! It's a great place to hide. Crazy toon. Ow! Watch your head. You said you'd never take another toon case. Somebody's made a patsy out of me. I'll find out why. Hold still, will you? Does this help? Yeah, thanks. You could've taken your hand out any time? Not any time. Only when it was funny. Where's your sense of humour? He's only funny when he's wanted for murder? Without a sense of humour, you're better off dead. You're on, unless I find out where this is. What's that? Just look. Mr Acme's will! Yeah. Maroon played the 'sound mind' part, your wife the 'sound body'. I resent that! What's the scheme? They didn't get the will. You think? They kept looking after killing him. Can I help? Check the probate. Yeah! Check the probate! Uncle Thumper had problems with his probate. He took big pills and drank lots of water. Not prostate, you idiot! Probate. You think that my boss, R.K. Maroon, dropped the safe on Marvin Acme's head so he could get hold of Toon Town? Yep. That's my hunch. Can he stay here for a few days? He won't do anything crazy, will he? Where are you going? To the office. Domino's secret to delivering oven-fresh pizza in minutes isn't cutting corners. It isn't driving quickly. It's opening more kitchens closer to more people. What kept you? For hotter, fresher pizza, choose 20-minute delivery guarantee. From Domino's. * Mr Valiant. Mr Valiant? TOILET FLUSHES You've got the wrong idea about me. I'm a pawn in this, like Roger. Help me find him. Name your price. I'll pay it. Yeah, I bet you would! You need him to make the scam work. No, I love my husband. You've got me wrong. It's so hard being a woman looking the way I do. It's pretty hard being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do. I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. Didn't I catch you playing with Acme? You didn't catch me. You were set up. What? Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. He said if I didn't pose for those pictures, Roger would never get work again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr Valiant. Anything. What a wife! I'm desperate. Can't you see how much I need you? (Clears throat) Dabbling in watercolours, Eddie? Sorry. Goodbye, Eddie. My offer stands firm. Think about it. Well! What was she doing with her arms around you? Looking for somewhere to stab me. I caught you with your pants down! But I didn't... Dolores! A painted hussy like that couldn't turn my head. She wants the rabbit. That's not all she wants. Dolores, listen. Go and buy yourself a new swimsuit, because we're going to Catalina. I've nearly wrapped up this case. You haven't. That's why I'm here. I stopped by probate - Maroon's not after Toon Town. Cloverleaf wants Toon Town. They put in the highest bid. Unless Acme's will shows up by midnight, Cloverleaf will own Toon Town. What? At midnight tonight? That's right. First they buy the Red Car, then they want Toon Town. I don't get it. SINGING Shh! Roger! The rabbit! Get the judge. Nice shirt! Who's your tailor? Quasimodo? (Sings) # My buddy, Billy B. A sourpuss you see # When I'm done A joker he will be # I love to entertain Believe me it's no strain # It feels great And there's no pain... (Repeats) # No pain... # Help! Who turned off the light? I can't see! What's going on? You crazy rabbit! I've been risking my neck for you. And you sing and dance! But I'm a toon. Toons make people laugh. Sit down! You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh. They'll call the cops. Angelo would rat on you for a nickel. He wouldn't. Why? Because you made him laugh? Right. A laugh is a powerful thing. Sometimes, it's the only weapon we have. ALARM BUZZES Laughter's the most... Shh! (Whispers) Ixnay! Ixnay! I'm looking for a murderer. (All laugh) A rabbit. A toon rabbit... ..about yea big. Look, there's no rabbit here, so don't harass my customers. I didn't come here to harass. I came here to reward. CHALK SQUEAKS (Wolf-whistles) Eh! I've seen a rabbit. Where? (Gasps) See? (Gulps) Where? He's right here in the bar. Well, say hello...Harvey. (All laugh) I told you so. 'Merry-go-round Broke Down'. Quite a loony selection for a group of drunken reprobates. He's here! (Laughs) Stop that laughing! Have you forgotten what happened last time?! If you don't stop laughing you'll end up dead like your idiot cousins! You want we should disassemble the place? No, disassembling the place won't be necessary. A rabbit is going to come right to me. Huh. No toon can resist the old shave and haircut trick. I don't know who's toonier - you or Doom. Roger! Rog...Roger! Roger, no! (Sings) # Shave and a haircut... # (Sings) # Two bits! # Hey, Judge, what shall we do with the wallflower? We'll see to him later. Right now, I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some Dip. (Screams) Don't you have anything to say before your sentence is carried out? Why, yeah...! Dolores, bourbon, and make it a double. Fine time for a drink! Maybe you'd like some pretzels! Just pour the drink. Hey, Judge! Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request? Yeah! Nose plugs would be nice! I think you want a drink. How about it, Judge? Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution. Happy trails! No thanks, I'm cutting down. Drink it! I don't want it. He doesn't want it! He does! I don't! You do! I don't! You don't! I do! You don't! I do! You don't! When I say I do, I mean it! Got you, kid. Come on, Eddie, let's get out of here! Move it, bud! Yikes! Look at those big, brown eyes. This is the time he won 'Baby of the Month' competition for the local Courier newspaper. 'Course, we weren't in very much doubt about it, cos he's so photogenic, eh? (CHUCKLES) I used to dread these afternoons. Now I positively cherish them. Play music. (JAUNTY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) Buckle up, Margaret. This is the future of bragging. # Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. # * That was quick thinking! That's right! The..wh...uh... Roger! Yipes! Let's use this! What are you waiting for? There's no key! Let me out of here! I've gotta make a living! Benny, is that you? No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt. Get me out of here! We've got ourselves a ride! Open the door! That's better. They got me for driving on a sidewalk. Get in, Eddie! It was just two miles. I'll drive. I want to. I'll drive. I'm the cab. Out of my way, pencil-neck! How about this weather?! It never rains! They sprung the cab! Let's go! How about those Brooklyn Dodgers? Bums or what? Move over. I'm driving! Benny, we've got company! Look at these two. Excuse me. They're what I call road-hogs. GUNFIRE I'll blow him away. Look out for the...! (Screams) There's cops right behind us! Not for long, Roger. Now, they're in front of us. SIRENS Give me the wheel! The cops are on our tail! I know! Pull the lever! Which one? Which one? Which one?! I'm gonna ram her. I'm getting too old for this. Jumping jippers! What's a song's middle called? I don't know. A bridge! Where to, fellas? Somewhere we can hide. I've got just the place. Incidentally, if you need a ride, stick out your thumb. Shove over, lady! MAN: That wasn't so bad, was it? (All laugh) (Laughs hysterically) See that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy! What training! What finesse! What a genius! Ouch! We're supposed to be hiding. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with YOU? You're the only person not laughing. Can nothing permeate your impervious puss? Hey, Eddie...! Boy, nothing. What could've happened to you to make you such a sourpuss? You want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother. No! That's right - a toon. We were investigating a bank robbery. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working in Toon Town. Anyway, this guy...got away with a zillion samolians. We trailed him to a dive down on Oxford Street. We went in... only he got the drop on us. Literally. Dropped a piano on us from 15 storeys. Broke my arm. Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing with those burning red eyes... and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toon Town after that. (Sobs) No wonder you hate me! If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me, too! Don't cry. I don't hate you. Yes, you do! I don't. You do hate me. You've yanked my ears all those times! I'm sorry I yanked your ears. All the times you yanked my ears? All the times. Apology accepted. Put it there, pal. I feel better... I hope it's another cartoon! Jeepers! Another stupid newsreel. I hate the news. Have you got all my stuff? Yes. It's packed in the car outside. I would've been here sooner, but I had to shake the weasels. Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar. Stuffing olives for a living wasn't for me, anyway. Dolores. You ought to find yourself a good man. But I already have a good man. (Roger sighs) Please, don't mind me. You better get going, Eddie. ANNOUNCER: A near miss, but this miss says that's as good as a smile! California Cloverleaf... Glad Teddy's not here to see me running away. It's OK once you get used to it. ..the Pacific Red Car trolley line and the venerated Maroon Cartoon Studios. Here R.K. Maroon is seen clinching the deal with Cloverleaf's bankers - one of California's biggest real estate deals. That's it! That's the connection! Let's forget it. There's nobody here. Is that it or are you scared? Me scared?! That's ridiculous. When you called Maroon you said you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out, he'll be mad! He might kill you. I'll handle him. I don't want the odds changing. Cover my back. If you see anything, beep the horn twice. Beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready! Dukes up! Eyes peeled! Ears to the ground! Nobody gets a drop on Roger Rabbit! What's up, doc? You'll give me a heart attack! You'd need a heart first. Got the will? Sure. I've got the will. But do you have the way? It's not coming cheap. You're game coming by yourself. Who said I'm by myself? Show me that will. I've got it. I want to see it now! "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." Is this a joke?! No. This is. Get up. What are you going to do to me?! I'm gonna hear you spin the Cloverleaf scenario, a story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts I don't like, I'll edit out. I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer! Everybody's got to have a hobby. Stop it! Stop it! I could've sold my studio. Cloverleaf wouldn't buy unless Acme sold him his. I was gonna blackmail Acme with pictures of him and Jessica. Just blackmail! I've always been around toons. I didn't want them destroyed! Destroyed? Why? If I say, I'm dead. You're dead if you don't. Unless Acme's will shows by midnight, Toon Town's gonna be laughing... Roger! * Eddie, pal, you're a sight for sore eyes! Haven't seen you for years. Where you been? Drunk. Feeling frisky tonight, fellas? ALL: Yeah! Let's go. Yahoo! SONG: # Smile, darn ya, smile # You know this whole world is a great world after all # Smile, darn ya, smile # And other people will smile along # Things are never black as they are painted... # ALL: Hi, Eddie! Hi, Eddie! Hi, Eddie! 'Bye, Eddie! SIREN HORN TOOTS Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Get out of here! Going up, sir. Mind the step, sir. Hold on, sir. Your floor, sir. Have a good day, sir. Ah, got you! A MAN! Yoo-hoo, lover boy! It's Nina Hyena! (Screams) Oh, no! (Screams) Oh, look! Piggies! Hi, Tweetie. This little piggie went to market. This little piggie stayed home. This little piggie had roast beef and this little piggie had... Ran out of piggies. What's up, doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it? Yeah. You could get killed. You guys got a spare? Bugs does. Yeah? You don't want it. Give it to me! Better let him have it. Whatever you say. Here's the spare. Thank you. Oh, no! Poor fella. Yeah. Ain't I a stinker? My MAN! Come to Nina! Toons - gets them every time. FOOTSTEPS Ah-choo! Gesundheit! Thank you. Valiant. I always knew I'd get it in Toon Town. Behind you! Drop it, lady! I saved your life. I don't trust anybody. Not even your own eyes? That killed R.K. Maroon. Doom did it. Doom? I couldn't stop him. You'll never stop me! You're both dead! Doom! Which way did he go? I don't know. He went that-a-way! Let's go! Dumdums. Come on. Yeah. Oh, no! Where's Roger? He chickened out at the studio. I put him in the trunk so he wouldn't get hurt. Makes perfect sense. My car's useless. Let's take yours. TYRES SCREECH Somebody already did. Probably Roger. My honey-bunny was never good behind the wheel. A better lover than a driver? You bet. Uh-oh! It's the weasels! We'll take Gingerbread Lane. It's this way. You call a cab or what? Hubba, hubba! Allow me, mademoiselle. How'd you know it was Doom? Before Acme was killed he told me Doom wanted Toon Town. He gave you the will? So he said. There was blank paper inside the envelope. A joker to the end. Where to? To find my darling husband. What do you see in that guy? He makes me laugh. I'm in Dip! What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road. Especially when driving in a maniacal toon vehicle. This way. Don't just stand there. Help them. Put them in my car. They'll enjoy the ribbon cutting at the Acme factory. We've searched Valiant. The will ain't on him. Frisk the woman! I'll handle this one. (Screams) Nice booby trap. (All laugh) Do they have the will? Just a stupid love letter. I doubt that will will appear in the next 15 minutes. What happens then? Toon Town will be legally mine. Benny, is that you? No, it's Shirley Temple! Aah! Awh! Eeh! Jumping jeepers - what happened?! Doom took your wife and Valiant to the Acme factory. I know where that is. Move over, Rog. I'll drive. Toon Town's right over the other side. JUDGE DOOM: The successful conclusion of this case finishes my career as a jurist in Toon Town. I'm joining the private sector. That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, would it? You're looking at the sole stockholder. Benny, get the cops. I'll save my wife. Careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon! This is no career. Wouldn't you know? Locked! TOILET FLUSHES * Can you guess what this is? JESSICA: Oh, my God. It's DIP!!!!! I'll Dip Toon Town off the face of the earth. Behold my own design. 5,000 gallons of heated Dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurised water cannon. Toon Town will be erased in a matter of minutes. You think no-one will notice Toon Town's disappeared? Who will notice some talking mice are missing when they're driving by at 75mph? There's no road past Toon Town. Not yet. Several months ago I stumbled upon a City Council plan - a construction plan of epic proportions. They're calling it a freeway. A freeway? What the hell's a freeway? Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena - smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams won't exist any more. You killed Acme and Maroon for this freeway? You're kidding! No. You lack vision. I see a place that people get on and off the freeway. On and off all day. Where Toon Town once stood there'll be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food, tyre salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful! Nobody will drive this lousy freeway when the Red Car only costs a nickel. They'll have to drive. I bought the Red Car to dismantle it. RUMBLING NOISE What the...? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! OK, nobody move. All right, weasels - drop it or I'll shoot the judge. Roger, darling! Yes, it's me, dearest. I'll embrace you after expressing my moral outrage. Put that gun down, fool! Drop dead. I'll pump you full of lead. You thought you'd get away with it. But toons aren't stupid. Justice will hit you like a ton of bricks! JESSICA: Roger! Roger, say something. Look - stars! Ready when you are, Raoul. Tie the lovebirds together. Put them on that hook. Use that escape-proof toon rope. Time to kill the rabbit! (Laughs) Oh, Roger, you were magnificent! Was I really? Better than Goofy. Roger, darling - I love you. I've loved you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit. It's over, Mr Valiant. (Weasels laugh uproariously) LOOK OUT! Not so fast! One day you idiots will laugh yourself to death! Shall I repose of them right now, boss? Let him watch his friends get Dipped, then shoot him. With pleasure. Everything's funny to you, ain't it? Have you got a problem with that, Valiant? No. I just want you to know something about the guy you're Dipping. MERRY-GO-ROUND TUNE PLAYS Roger's his name. Laughter's his game. Untie him and he'll go insane. (Laughs heartily) He's lost his mind. I don't think so! Singin' ain't my line. It's tough to rhyme. If I'm stuck... I'm out of luck... There isn't any time! Thanks! (All laugh insanely) ROGER: Eddie, keep it up! You're killing them! You're knocking them dead! I'm over taking falls. And bouncing off walls. I'll kick you in the... NOSE! Nose don't rhyme with walls! No. But this does! YOW! Oh, my goodness! Jeepers - that was close! (Screams) Bye-bye. ROGER: Eddie, hurry. It's coming back! Oh, no! This is it! This ISN'T it. Aaaaaaaaaaargh! (Sings) # ..wicked witchcraft # And although I know it's strictly taboo # When... # Don't move. No. No! Oh, no! ROGER: Come on. I wasn't worried. (Judge Doom screams) Hey, look! Holy smoke - he's a toon! (High-pitched voice) Surprised? Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be a toon's. Not just any toon. Remember me, Eddie? (Voice becomes scream) When I killed your brother I talked just LIKE THIIIIIS! ROGER: Jumping jeepers! Oh my goodness. Oh, no! Goodbye, my darling. Goodbye. (Screams) I think I'm going to faint. (Judge Doom screams maniacally) I'M MELTING. MELTING! Waaaaah! (Whimpers) Oh, no! EDDIE, DO SOMETHING! HURRY UP, EDDIE! DO SOMETHING! BIRDS TWITTER ROGER: Eddie, there's Dip everywhere. We can't get down. Jeepers, Eddie - that was close. I thought our goose was cooked. Oh! My hero! Oh, honey-bunny! Oh, love-cup! You were a pillar of strength. SIREN Sister Mary Francis - what the hell happened in here?! I've been a cab for 37 years and I've never seen such a mess. Was that a rubber mask? Yeah. This rope held the safe that killed Acme. You'll find it matches perfectly. Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme. And R.K. Maroon and my brother. That's one seriously disturbed toon! (Toons chatter excitedly) I wonder who he really was. He weren't no rabbit. Or a duck! Or a dog. Or a boy. Or a sheep. Or a woodpecker. What is that? Ink. Acme squirted me with some the other night. It's only come out now. Here's why. Acme Disappearing-Reappearing Ink! That Acme - what a genius! A genius would've left his will where we could find it! Some developer could still wreck everything! Roger, that love letter you wrote. Read it to Jessica now. Sure, Eddie. "How do I love thee? "Let me count the ways. "I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind..." It's the will! "I hereby bequeath the property known as Toon Town "to those lovable characters, the toons." (All cheer) Eddie, that was a funny dance you did for the weasels. Have you stopped being a sourpuss? Only time will tell. Put it there, pal. Yeah. BUZZ (All gasp) You haven't lost your sense of humour already? Does this answer your question? Roger, let's go home. I'll bake a carrot cake. (All sing) # Smile, Roger, smile # This whole world is a great world after all # Smile, Roger, smile # And other people will sing along # Things are never black as they are painted... (Song fades out) # OK - eb-de...b-de...move along. It's all over. That's all, folks. That sounds good. Eb-de...b-de... That's all, folks! Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1992 Australian Caption Centre www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018