I'm here for this. I'm with her. He just wants an excuse to hang around and get in your pants. So, you and Jericho Amosa, eh? You can't just take Sonny Bill any time you want. League player. Didn't he have a rep for brawling? Is that a good thing? I mean, if he's gonna be Sonny Bill's stepdad. Is that a good thing? I mean, if he's gonna be Sonny Bill's stepdad. Shit. You took Sonny Bill out of the country without telling me? You took Sonny Bill out of the country without telling me? He's in West Auckland with Estelle. Who? Who? Jerry's mum. They want you to wait until they get back. Say goodbye. Stop! Mum! He's taken Sonny Bill! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You stole a baby? You stole a baby? I did what I had to do for my son. You stole a baby? I did what I had to do for my son. That's amazing. # And the stars came out once the lights went out. # And I could not speak, so I had to shout. # And then the moon passed sadly by. # Oh my God. Look at us. Oh my God. Look at us. (CHUCKLES) You look very good. Oh my God. Look at us. (CHUCKLES) You look very good. (LAUGHS) More wine? You might wanna put your pants on? You might wanna put your pants on? No need. It's a teen-free zone. I feel a bit guilty. I feel a bit guilty. Too much hot sex wherever, whenever? I should be missing Celeste, but` And you're not? And you're not? Well, she is having an awesome time in LA. You do know you can have this all the time? You could move in. OK, it's a crazy thought. Just breathe. Here. What about Celeste? There's the attic. Or as we could call it, the loft apartment. Now, what teenage girl wouldn't love that? And I get to wake up to the most beautiful woman every day. (CHUCKLES) You really can sell anything. Yeah, possibly. Yeah, possibly. What's that look? I don't want to ruin the moment. I don't want to ruin the moment. Tell me. I don't want to ruin the moment. Tell me. No. I have you to the point of not saying no to moving in. It's a big step. Maybe. Think about it overnight. Then I'll tell you my deep dark secret. Think about it overnight. Then I'll tell you my deep dark secret. I'm not big on secrets. OK, buddy, breakfast is over and mostly over me. You're getting good at this. You're getting good at this. Oh, it's easy when you practise. (CHUCKLES) How's Courtney? How's Courtney? Oh, she's still in Oz. She called a couple of times. Pretty slutted, but she's only got herself to blame. Hey, you all good for D-Day? Hope so. Still a few weeks. But I was thinking we should talk about baby names. Well, it's easy. If it's a boy, Rex. That's a dog's name. That's a dog's name. Nah, it's cool. It means king. That's a dog's name. Nah, it's cool. It means king. (LAUGHS) Uh, I was thinking James. You do know James actually means ponce? You do know James actually means ponce? (SCOFFS) It does not. And for a girl, I was thinking Sadie. Oh, the cleaning lady? Oh, the cleaning lady? What about Fritha? Oh, the cleaning lady? What about Fritha? Paua fritter. Oh, her middle name could be Anna. Paua fritter an' a scoop of chips. Oh, her middle name could be Anna. Paua fritter an' a scoop of chips. BOTH LAUGH Anyway, we can do this later. I really should get to school. Well, I thought you were on leave. Well, I thought you were on leave. Uh, well, it was meant to be Friday, but... You can't let them take advantage of you. Whoa! Fallout alert. KNOCK ON DOOR > KNOCK ON DOOR > (GROANS) Could be Steve. Had to put some jobs on hold. Had to put some jobs on hold. Oh, well, I could take him. > Are you sure? Are you sure? Yeah. Where's your change table? Are you sure? Yeah. Where's your change table? Yeah, it's on the list. It` (SCOFFS) I just use the bed. (SCOFFS) I just use the bed. KNOCK ON DOOR > (SCOFFS) I just use the bed. KNOCK ON DOOR > Yeah, hold on, Steve. It's not Steve. > It's not Steve. > Shit. Jerry. It's not Steve. > Shit. Jerry. It's fine. I've got this. Come on, you. Hey. Yeah. Morning. What can I do for you? What you did with my mum, that was seriously uncool, dude. Oh, I took my kid because... he's my kid. Courtney and me had to cut our trip short cos of you. Anything else? Anything else? Courtney's upset. She wants Sonny. I'm here to get him. Not gonna happen. Here we go. Here we go. Sonny Bill's not your kid, so you don't get to take him. If Courtney wants to come round, fine. We'll discuss it. Bro, get out of my way. Bro, get out of my way. I'm not your bro, and you can piss off out of here. THUMP! THUMP! (CRIES) THUMP! (CRIES) Oh God! What's going on? What's going on? Nothing. Now, are you gonna go or shall I call the cops? You don't want publicity, especially after the last shit you got when you slugged someone. especially after the last shit you got when you slugged someone. Done a lot of work on myself. As you say. This ain't over. This ain't over. SONNY BILL CRIES What happened? What happened? Um... Just having a little check. All right. He's absolutely fine, aren't you? No lasting damage. Really? Really? What did I say? He's a tough little bugger. You'd be surprised how robust they are. You'd be surprised how robust they are. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Thanks for doing this. (SIGHS) Thanks for doing this. Oh, it was my fault. But I really should get to school. Why don't you take the day off, you know, kick back? We could toss around some more names. Earl? Duke? (LAUGHS) I've got so much to finish, but I'll see you at the quiz tonight? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. And call me if,... you know. Oh, he'll be fine. You go. SOTTO VOCE: Shit. You're an arsehole, Brian. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) What is your friggin' problem with Jerry? Well, he's hardly a role model. Well, he's hardly a role model. What are you talking about? Punching a barman, getting kicked off the team. Punching a barman, getting kicked off the team. It was, like, two years ago, OK? He's done heaps of work on himself. It doesn't make him Sonny Bill's dad. It doesn't make him Sonny Bill's dad. He knows that. Why's he taking him and leaving him with his mother? Hey, don't say anything mean about Estelle. Hey, don't say anything mean about Estelle. (SIGHS) Look, we need to sort something out. I don't want to have to go through the legal shit, but I will if I have to. What, one dumb thing and you're talking lawyers? I'm his father. I want to have time with him. So think about it, and we will talk. (SCOFFS) Just when I didn't think you could be any more of a jerk-off! Ah, perfect timing. So, what's this thing? (SIGHS) It is salmon grilled with soy, sake and ginger. I meant the secret. I meant the secret. Oh, OK. In the interests of full disclosure, you know how I work for evil drug barons? Yes. Oh, that's good. Yes. Oh, that's good. Thank you. What if I was to tell you that they're trialling a new drug for women? Breast cancer? Breast cancer? Mm. Something even more vital. female pleasure in sex. You are kidding me. You are kidding me. No. You are kidding me. No. You're meant to market this? Oh, well, I'm just the last person in the food chain. NZ's the test market. Because we're small and gullible? Because we're small and gullible? I knew you'd love it (!) Drug companies inventing drugs for conditions that are not conditions. You can only say that as a woman who knows good sex. You can only say that as a woman who knows good sex. Have you bought into this already? They are the major client who pays my mortgage, and if you were to move in,... Yes. ...it'd be one of my interesting work stories. ...it'd be one of my interesting work stories. What's it called, this drug? Aphrodelle. Aphrodelle. (SIGHS) Aphrodelle. (SIGHS) Coming soon to a pharmacy near you. It's bullshit male propaganda. Led Zeppelin, Whole Lotta Love. You're saying female orgasm is a male construct? (SCOFFS) Honey, if I don't have an orgasm, it's hardly my fault. (SCOFFS) Honey, if I don't have an orgasm, it's hardly my fault. Nice answer. < Questioning the commitment. < Questioning the commitment. I had a few jobs. Question seven ` 'All the flowers that you planted, Mama, in the back yard.' Is it Elton John? Is it Elton John? Nothing Compares 2 U ` Sinead O'Connor. But Prince wrote it. But Prince wrote it. Yes. That's right. But not all women are like you. But not all women are like you. Question eight ` 'The drugs don't work. They just make you worse.' The Drugs Don't Work ` The Verve. The Drugs Don't Work ` The Verve. Drugs don't always work, and sometimes they're not necessary. Yes! God, we're killing this round. Back to your previous point. Back to your previous point. OK, I have two words for you ` operator error. So it's men's fault? So it's men's fault? Not always. Sometimes you don't feel like it. The last time I didn't feel like it was because of the antidepressants. The last time I didn't feel like it was because of the antidepressants. How's that going now? Laters. Hot Stuff ` Donna Summer. Boom. How's Sonny Bill? How's Sonny Bill? Courtney came and got him. Did you explain? Did you explain? No, there's no point. He's fine. Doc said so. He fell off the bed when I was changing him. He fell off the bed when I was changing him. Anyway, back to this drug. Aphrodelle. With an E. So, does it really make women orgasm? So, does it really make women orgasm? Well, not exactly. Apparently it improves blood flow to the` Apparently it improves blood flow to the` Whoa! What am I missing? BOTH LAUGH BOTH LAUGH Mac's marketing a new drug to help women,... you know. Lots of men miss it ` the clitoris. Well, it can get about. Well, it can get about. Oh, what? The clit is like some kind of wandering gypsy? Not when I'm on the case. Hotel California ` The Eagles. Too easy. And now it's time for the all-important drinks break. I like the dress. I like the dress. Mm, thank you. I bought it in Sydney. Mm! Mm! I was there on a franchise conference. Yeah, I followed your advice. I halved my meds, and, yeah, I feel good. What about David? What about David? (SCOFFS) He's old news. What about David? (SCOFFS) He's old news. Really? As your psychiatrist? Both. Yeah, and I feel fine. It's all good. When Noah was a baby, I zipped his neck up into a hoodie. When Noah was a baby, I zipped his neck up into a hoodie. Ooh, ouch. See? It happens all the time. It's no biggie. See? It happens all the time. It's no biggie. OK, people, round eight. Bad Sports. Question one ` which former Australian rugby league international was banned for 12 weeks after being found guilty of 'interfering' with his opponents? Even I know this one. John Hopoate. Even I know this one. John Hopoate. How was he interfering with them? Even I know this one. John Hopoate. How was he interfering with them? (CHUCKLES) Let's say he was giving the others a bit of an 'update' on the field. Let's say he was giving the others a bit of an 'update' on the field. What? I don't` Ew. Ew. (LAUGHS) You don't become a league player by being all caring and sensitive. You don't become a league player by being all caring and sensitive. Here we go. I think it's wrong that I don't get a say in what stepdad my son ends up with. Well, maybe you need to be a bit more careful about who you get up the duff. Not you, honey. Not you, honey. Brian just cares about Sonny Bill, which is fair enough. Question two ` who said, 'Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt, 'but that's not as scary as the second, which is losing'? 'but that's not as scary as the second, which is losing'? Oh, oh, sorry, folks. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS It's Courtney. Lance Armstrong. What? What? When were you gonna tell me about the big bruise on Sonny Bill's arm and the lump on his head? I had him checked out, and it's cool. He was having his nappy changed on the bed. On the bed?! You don't change a nappy on a bed, you moron. On the bed?! You don't change a nappy on a bed, you moron. Actually, it was... It was a silly mistake, OK? It won't happen again. I've got a changing table. Yeah, well, Jerry's the one who found the bruise, and he's not happy. What, Jerry's not happy? Well, boo-bloody-hoo. What, Jerry's not happy? Well, boo-bloody-hoo. (GROANS) SOTTO VOCE: Bitch. SOTTO VOCE: Bitch. Question four ` who won the men's 100m sprint at the 1988 Olympics... Is everything OK? Fine. Fine. ...but was later stripped of his medal? It's Ben Johnson. REFLECTIVE MUSIC (GROANS, SIGHS) BEEP! BEEP! CELL PHONE: You have two new messages. Steve here again. I've got six toilets that need to be plumbed in when you can be arsed doing it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. BEEP! Yeah, yeah. BEEP! Hello, a message for Brian King. This is Moana Clarkson from Child Services. Could you please call us and arrange a time to come in? It's quite important. 35, 40, 45? Hard to tell. Is it her DNA or Olay? Olay analysed 20,000 female genomic samples. We discovered that almost 10% of women naturally look younger than their age. Inspired by this we created Olay Regenerist, re-engineered with amino peptide complex, now boosted with carob fruit extract. Renews and plumps skin. Restores firmness. Reduces wrinkles. DNA or Olay? Your skin will never tell. # Whoa. # So this love in my life # went away somewhere new. # AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: We all get tired, and sometimes we're just not in the mood. But now there's a solution. A woman knows. But, shh, don't tell. It's Aphrodelle. Ask your doctor if you qualify for a free introductory offer. We get Claire to revoice it. Friendly, with authority. As if that'll save it. As if that'll save it. I wouldn't know. The female orgasm is more your specialist topic. We can do so much better than this. We can do so much better than this. That's what our clients wanted. We can do so much better than this. That's what our clients wanted. It sucks, and you know it. You're the one that wanted to take on Spicer Hirsh. Easy money. You're the one that wanted to take on Spicer Hirsh. Easy money. You wanted artistic integrity. Jeez, there's no idea here. Jeez, there's no idea here. That's not our problem. This account was supposed to be a stopgap, keep us afloat. And that was before Ken and I put an offer on a house together. You did? You did? Just a little brick-and-tile in Pt Chev. But Ken has to have somewhere to grow his heirloom vegetables. But Ken has to have somewhere to grow his heirloom vegetables. (CHUCKLES) What's so funny? What's so funny? Oh, you being all so domesticated. (SIGHS) I just asked Catherine to move in with me. Oh. Hearts are breaking all over Grey Lynn. Congratulations. Yeah, well, not quite. She's thinking about it. Yeah, well, not quite. She's thinking about it. Oh. Like that, is it? Like what? Like what? Well, she's never struck me as particularly domesticated. The modern woman, they expect so much: jobs, independence, even orgasms. You're right. It's appalling. But lie back and think of the money. But lie back and think of the money. That would be the sensible approach. What a lot of bullshit. As if I'm a bloody kiddie basher. You don't even know what this is about yet. You don't even know what this is about yet. Are you kidding? Child Services call me up after Courtney does her nut at me about the bruises. It'll be OK. It'll be OK. You reckon? Once these bloody things start` I can confirm that the injuries were negligible. I can confirm that the injuries were negligible. See. Nothing to worry about. And if you need any kind of character witness... And if you need any kind of character witness... Yeah, thanks, guys. This'll be Jerry's idea. Courtney wouldn't think this up on her own. This'll be Jerry's idea. Courtney wouldn't think this up on her own. Forget about him. You just need to keep a clear head. You just need to keep a clear head. Child Services have a duty. They have to investigate. Yeah, I know. (SIGHS) But how is it any bastard can make a complaint, and suddenly it's like you're guilty until proven otherwise. and suddenly it's like you're guilty until proven otherwise. I know. It's annoying. Damn right it is. Hey, you want to go to The Beagle for a quick beer? Hey, you want to go to The Beagle for a quick beer? I'd love to, mate. I've got a bit of a thing on tonight. What thing? What thing? A female thing. It's called a focus group, apparently. # Whoa # So this love in my life # went away somewhere new. # We all get tired, and sometimes we're just not in the mood, but... Not in the mood? Not in the mood? ...it's Aphrodelle. Cheesy much? Cheesy much? < ...if you qualify for a free introductory offer. < So, what do we think? I quite like the woman's jacket. For real? I was trying to say something nice. I was trying to say something nice. What about her voice? Fingernails on a blackboard. Mm. Mm. So what's the message they're trying to get across? Uh, 'You should put out whether you feel like it or not, 'and here's a pill to help you, you frigid cow.' Why aren't you meant to talk about it? Sorry? Sorry? 'Shh, don't tell.' Because if you don't enjoy sex, you're a freak (!) You're very quiet. I really like it. I really like it. What?! I really like it. What?! Excuse me? Put this on the air, it'll kill the product dead. I say go for it. Cheers for that. Cheers for that. The problem's not with the woman; it's with the sweaty oaf pumping away on top of her. Ew. Oh, well, come on. There's nothing worse than a man who doesn't know his way round. Fumbling round in the dark like he's trying to find his car keys. Fumbling round in the dark like he's trying to find his car keys. < Can't you just tell him? You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me. Have you seen a man ask directions? 'I know where I'm going. Maps are for tourists.' They can be hopeless at finding things, like socks or toilet brushes. 'Have you seen the bottle opener?' 'It's in my hand. You must have put it there.' MOCKINGLY: Shh. Don't tell. It's Aphrodelle. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. See ya. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. See ya. Goodnight. Thank you for helping out with my very important project. You do know it goes against my better judgement. You do know it goes against my better judgement. Ah, the things you do for love. Indeed. Indeed. (CHUCKLES) So, any more thoughts about moving in? I have been thinking about it. Mm, have you reached any conclusions? Mm, have you reached any conclusions? Um, I want to. It's just... You won't live with a drug pusher? You won't live with a drug pusher? Uh, I'm just slow at getting my head around new ideas. Actually, I thought I should, um, head home tonight and sort a few things. You sure I can't persuade you to stay? DOOR OPENS > DOOR OPENS > Only us. > DOOR OPENS > Only us. > DOOR CLOSES > Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad. Hey. Hey, Dad. Hey. Hey. Hi, how's it going? First on. First on. Stay off my game. First on. Stay off my game. One level each. No more. And I need a quick chat about Frank's drama camp. Ah. Ah. And I'll be off. Ah. And I'll be off. Sure. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. Goodnight. Night. Night. Goodnight. Did I interrupt something? Did I interrupt something? No, we've just finished. A bit of market research, actually. Aphrodelle? Aphrodelle? Mm. It's a nasal spray that increases, um,... a woman's libido. I know a few women who'd be happy to hear about that. Really? Really? Andrea told me once that she's never really enjoyed it. Mm. Mm. And you're about to say something rude about Andrea. No. Just thinking it. It must be awful, though, to not enjoy sex. Though it's never been a problem for me, as you know. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) So, any ideas yet? So, any ideas yet? (SIGHS) Maybe. I know that look in your eye. I know that look in your eye. What look? The one that meant you'd be up all night working and pitching it in the morning. Mm, well, that used to really annoy you. I loved being a part of your process. I loved being a part of your process. What?! You did not love it. I did. I was always your first audience, and I was always honest. I did. I was always your first audience, and I was always honest. Mm. So... So? So? Pour me a glass of that wine and let me hear your idea. Yeah, all right. COMPUTER: We went to this awesome party. COMPUTER: We went to this awesome party. There's still no picture. Click on the little icon ` the camera thingy. Click on the little icon ` the camera thingy. No, it's not working. Ah, there you are. Hi. So, 'awesome party'... It was on a rooftop... It was on a rooftop... Ooh. It was on a rooftop... Ooh. There was a pool and lights, and this woman came over to me and said I had a really fresh look, and she's a model agent. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Daddy knows her, and she's completely legit. I'm going to see her tomorrow. I'm going to see her tomorrow. But you're coming back in a week. I'm going to see her tomorrow. But you're coming back in a week. Dad said I could. OK, but you're still coming home next Friday? What if she wants to sign me? What if she wants to sign me? Well, if she does, then we'll talk about it when you get back. Along with other things. Along with other things. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. BEEP! BEEP! Hmm. Brian King? Brian King? Yeah, that's me. So, yeah, then Sonny Bill's nappy needed changing. So, yeah, then Sonny Bill's nappy needed changing. You were changing his nappy? That's right. That's right. And where was this? That's right. And where was this? Uh, at home on the bed. And then he kind of just rolled off. And how did he seem at the time? And how did he seem at the time? He was fine. I mean, he had a bit of a cry. I took him straight to the doctor. Catherine Duvall ` if you need a contact. I see. I took him at short notice, so I didn't have a changing table, but I've got one now. Glad to hear it. His mother took off with her boyfriend to Australia without informing me. So you took Sonny Bill from Mrs Estelle Amosa? She's not related. She's not related. And you were angry when you confronted Mrs Amosa? Well, you know about that? I` I wasn't angry; I was just trying to sort it. And you frightened two teenage girls. Well, I was just trying to take my son. And you drove off without first securing him in a baby seat. I was taking my son from a potentially dangerous situation. By snatching him, not securing him in a seat and driving away at speed? OK, look, I could've handled it better, but I didn't know these people, and they had my son. And you were upset. And you were upset. I was... ropeable. Now, let's discuss your altercation with Jerry Amosa. Excuse me? Excuse me? According to Jerry, when he came to pick up Sonny Bill, you were very aggressive towards him. you were very aggressive towards him. No. He felt intimidated. He felt intimidated. (SCOFFS) The guy is built like a brick shithouse. Look, he came round, demanded to take my son. I mean, where does he get off? (SIGHS) It is a very emotional issue. Would you like a glass of water? It is a very emotional issue. Would you like a glass of water? No, I'm fine. (SIGHS) Are we done here? Almost. I have to inform you that while we're investigating this complaint, you're not to have any unsupervised contact with Sonny Bill. you're not to have any unsupervised contact with Sonny Bill. Eh? 1 So? What do you think? So, when I said I wanted to take the money and not piss off Spicer Hirsh because I was buying a house with Ken... because I was buying a house with Ken... Oh, come on. We call ourselves creatives, but when was the last time we did anything creative? When we were young and didn't have responsibilities... or vegetable patches. All right, compromise. We have cake and eat it. All right, compromise. We have cake and eat it. (SIGHS) I'm listening. We take in the revoice options and the support material, and we take the new direction. So, to clarify, we say, 'Here's your shit ad, and here's how we can do it so much better.' Mm, that's the one. Come on. What's the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen? You do know that's inviting disaster? Fine. I'll ring Ken and tell him it's gonna be a late one. UPBEAT MUSIC Oh, shh, shh. You're not supposed to be here. You're not supposed to be here. I need to talk to the mother of my child. Yeah? Yeah? It's OK, Jerry. I've got it. Yeah? It's OK, Jerry. I've got it. Fine, but I'm not going anywhere. What? Where do you get off dobbing me in to Child Services? Where do you get off dobbing me in to Child Services? Since you acted like a ball sack. You know I would never hurt Sonny Bill. You know I would never hurt Sonny Bill. He had bruises. Where've you been for the past week, neglecting your son while on holiday? What? It was more than that. Jerry's got prospects, OK? Oh, you reckon? Oh, you reckon? Well, he's got a trial with the Titans, so, yep. What? What? He loves me, OK? And Sonny Bill. What did you mean about the Titans? What did you mean about the Titans? Nothing. Shit. That's what this Child Services crap is all about. You wanna take my son. You wanna take my son. I didn't say that. You wanna take my son. I didn't say that. You wanna take him to Oz! Why shouldn't I have a better life, huh? Cos I'm dumb old Courtney? You prick. You prick. Brian. You prick. Brian. You are not taking my son. Get out of the way, Jerry. I wanna see him. Get out of the way, Jerry. I wanna see him. So you can smack him around more? Come on, Jack the Muss. Take your best shot, bro. This is not over. They're stitching me up, making me look like a bloody kiddie basher, a Maori kiddie basher. It's bullshit. Yeah, it is. Your son has a right to grow up with his whakapapa. Yeah, it is. Your son has a right to grow up with his whakapapa. Yeah, that's... right. But it's all just to get me out of the way. Well, why didn't you just say it was me who let Sonny Bill fall? Cos, you know, he's my kid, my responsibility. But it wasn't your fault. But it wasn't your fault. It's nobody's fault; it was an accident. But they're blaming you. But they're blaming you. Yeah, so they can take Sonny Bill to Oz, the sneaky bastards. Well, at least I know what I'm up against. And you've got enough to worry about. Thanks. You could take it to court. You could take it to court. They always favour the mothers. You could take it to court. They always favour the mothers. No, not always. Has Sonny Bill got a passport? Has Sonny Bill got a passport? Well, he's just a baby. Remember that little girl in Kiri's syndicate? Remember that little girl in Kiri's syndicate? Rosie? Oh yeah. Her parents separated. The father threatened to take her to Canada. Her parents separated. The father threatened to take her to Canada. So the mum got a passport. Sonny Bill can only have one passport. Well, they can't take him anywhere without it. Well, they can't take him anywhere without it. You're a genius. (LAUGHS) Oh, not really. Hey, do you wanna stay for dinner? We're having eggplant risotto. Hey, do you wanna stay for dinner? We're having eggplant risotto. Great. This could totally work. Yeah. LIGHT`HEARTED MUSIC It was hard to find a picture he wasn't smiling in, eh? That should do it. That should do it. All right, no smiling, no hats and no one else in the photo. I must say, I admire your cunning plan, Mr King. Should only be a few days. Only if Courtney hasn't applied. Oh, she's not very organised. Oh, she's not very organised. She's changed. I'll keep my head down and not frighten the horses. Is that possible? Is that possible? Hey, it's me, the king of cool. Cheers. Can you sign these, please? Sure thing. Here you go. Thanks. I'd better get these in now in person. You all set? You all set? Oh, what's the go? You all set? Oh, what's the go? A career-limiting meeting awaits. Oh. Oh. Good luck. Oh. Good luck. < Cheers. So that's how the support material will work. Basically, just taking your 'shh, don't tell' campaign and folding it. However, we think you can do better. However, we think you can do better. Better? We'd like to present you with another option. Only take a few minutes. Go on. Look, women don't like to be told what to think. At least, that's my experience. They certainly don't want some smug spokeswoman telling them to be ashamed, that it's a secret, that there's something wrong with them. So let's just stick to the truth here. The problem is this ` men. We're the problem. (CHUCKLES) Our ad opens up on a typical Kiwi bloke. Men, we won't ask for directions, and we refuse to read maps. We don't ask for help. We're simple creatures. Searching around for a little man on a boat? That's just confusing. But now there's a foolproof way to get where you're going without giving him directions. I never imagined my future would rely so heavily on a female orgasm. So, ripping your client's campaign to bits, does that usually work for you? Ah. Ah. Oh dear. Ah. Oh dear. LAUGHS: We loved it. I couldn't stand that Australian woman. We're gonna run with it. That's fantastic. That's fantastic. But... That's fantastic. But... But? We loved your presentation so much that we'd like to ask you if you'd help us out with something. CELL PHONE RINGS Speak. Speak. Brian, this is Moana Clarkson at Child Services. Hi. Hi. I'd like to arrange a meeting for next week if that's possible. Sure. No problem. They liked the pitch; they liked the idea. So, yeah. They liked the pitch; they liked the idea. So, yeah. Yes. All right. You owe your consultants a bottle of champers. You owe your consultants a bottle of champers. Absolutely. I'll charge it to R & D. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) So you're not just revoicing or whatever it is you normally do? No, it's a whole new campaign. No, it's a whole new campaign. Whoo! > No, it's a whole new campaign. Whoo! > Ha. They even want me to go on morning TV and talk about it. They even want me to go on morning TV and talk about it. Really? Some journalist wants to do a beat-up, and they want to represent. Some journalist wants to do a beat-up, and they want to represent. Hold on. You're going to be the face of the female orgasm? On ya, mate. Did you apply for the passport? I took it in myself. They said it was gonna be three days, but it's been four. What if Courtney's already got one? What if Courtney's already got one? Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Round one ` Be A Sport. We jokered this one for you. We jokered this one for you. Have you got the balls? Tell me, what game uses these balls? Ah, this is easy. Rugby, pool, soccer. Ooh, netball. Brian? I'm not sure. < What the hell's that? < What the hell's that? Is that an old golf ball? < What the hell's that? Is that an old golf ball? That's a petanque ball. There you go. You can do sport. Hey, what is that kumquat thing? Hey, what is that kumquat thing? Actually, um, you've got it. I-I might, um... MELANCHOLIC GUITAR MUSIC (SIGHS) It's just the, um, odd one. It's just the, um, odd one. Oh, don't worry about it. I had a call from, um, the woman at Child Services, Moana. Oh. Oh. She wants me to come in again. What about? What about? Oh, they wouldn't say. You know, it's like` it's like no one believes me. And I love that little guy. And I love that little guy. I know you do. (SIGHS) I used to steal my, uh, foster dad's ciggies. (CLEARS THROAT) And when he found out, he lit one and stubbed it out on my hand. And that's what I got for my 10th birthday ` a scar. Hey, I-I know what it's like. I-I'd never hurt a kid. I know. I know. It's just bullshit so they can take my son away. Why don't you tell them it was me? Why don't you tell them it was me? It's too late for that. No, I can't do this tonight. Just tell the guys I'm sorry. OK. Night. Yep, see ya. MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Working as the Dream team. Nice! Ah. The flirt. Classic! Cadbury Favourites. And the final answer in the final round ` around 100 NZers do what every day? Have babies? Have babies? Well, seems pretty high to me. Have babies? Well, seems pretty high to me. They leave for Australia. ALL: Oh. ALL: Oh. That's right, folks. About 100 Kiwis jump the pond every day. OK, and our winners tonight are... Yummy Mummies on 76, Two Short Planks on 80, but on 84, it's the Marathon Men. ALL: Marathon. Marathon men! No takers for the jackpot, which stays at $250. And I'll see you all next Tuesday unless I get a better offer in Sydney. Oh, that was dismal. Oh, that was dismal. We'll smash 'em next week. Oh, that was dismal. We'll smash 'em next week. Well, that's me. > Me too. Me too. < Goodnight. Me too. < Goodnight. Night. > Night. One for the road? My shout. To celebrate your amazing new project (?) To celebrate your amazing new project (?) Oh right. Why did you wait until tonight to tell me? We've both been busy, and I know you don't approve. We've both been busy, and I know you don't approve. Ooh, someone's in trouble. Move on. There's nothing to see here. Move on. There's nothing to see here. (CHUCKLES) This assumption, that there's something wrong with a woman cos she doesn't always wanna have sex, can you see that it's just wrong? (SIGHS) Look, all I know is, for the first time in a very long time, I'm excited about my job. If this thing takes off, it could go global. I'm sorry. I just can't see any reason to cheer about that. I'm sorry. I just can't see any reason to cheer about that. I could use the money. Are things that tight? Are things that tight? (SIGHS) That's not the point. Look, we have to be able to disagree, especially if we're going to be living together. I suppose. You're not convinced. You're not convinced. About Aphrodelle? You're not convinced. About Aphrodelle? About us living together. I don't` I don't want to talk about it to Celeste long distance, so I` I don't` I don't want to talk about it to Celeste long distance, so I` OK. So if Celeste says no, what? That's it? That's it? No. It's not cut and dried. That's it? No. It's not cut and dried. Yep. OK. I love what we've got. I love what we've got. And I love waking up next to you. Is that so terrible? We can be together without living in the same house. We can be together without living in the same house. What if I want more than that? I don't know. I` Um... It's the thought of having no space and nowhere to run to. Run to? If I move in, there is no going back. Right. Good to know. I know I should have come in earlier, but... Brian wasn't with Sonny Bill when he rolled off the bed. It was me. I see. I see. (SIGHS) I looked away for one second. Sometimes that's all it takes. Sometimes that's all it takes. (SIGHS) I felt like such an idiot. And what is your relationship with Mr King? Oh, I'm a friend. Well, his, um, ex-girlfriend. And if you don't mind me asking, is he the father? Yes. Yes. But you're not together? Yes. But you're not together? Um, it's complicated. Um, Emma, did Brian ask you to come and see us with this story? What? (SCOFFS) No, not at all. He` He doesn't even know I'm here. Really? Really? Yes. Look, Brian would never deliberately hurt a child. You seem very sure of that. You seem very sure of that. Well, he knows what it's like to be treated badly. How so? Well, he was fostered. And some of those situations weren't very good. He was exposed to violence? He was exposed to violence? But it taught him the value of family. And he loves Sonny Bill so much. I was with Sonny Bill when he fell off the bed, and` and` and I will swear to that in court if I have to. Hopefully there won't be any need for that. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) I just have one last question. Why do you think Mr King lied about the incident? Yeah, it just arrived. Now let them try and take him out of the country. You're an evil genius, my friend. You're an evil genius, my friend. I just need to find somewhere to stash it. What about a safety deposit box? What about a safety deposit box? Mm. Now, that's an idea. KNOCK ON DOOR > KNOCK ON DOOR > Oh, I'd better go. Sounds like Steve. Later. Later. (SIGHS) Later. (SIGHS) KNOCK ON DOOR > Yeah, OK, hold your horses. Couldn't man up to your own mistakes? Couldn't man up to your own mistakes? What? You know what you did. You know what you did. I have no idea. Child Services are saying it was your missus that hurt Sonny Bill. Child Services are saying it was your missus that hurt Sonny Bill. Say what? What kind of coward gets his girlfriend to lie for him? What kind of coward gets his girlfriend to lie for him? That's bullshit. You don't get it. I love Courtney. She's a great person, an amazing mother who's` I'm the father. You're in the way; that's what you are. You're in the way; that's what you are. And you can piss off to Oz if the Titans need a shit-for-brains with anger issues. I was handling it. I was handling it. Well, I'm sorry. I was only trying to help. You've made it worse, and it's got nothing to do with you. and it's got nothing to do with you. Maybe you shouldn't have lied in the first place. Look, this is my problem, and I was bloody well dealing with it! Look, this is my problem, and I was bloody well dealing with it! All right, that's enough. I'd like you to leave now. Look, it's none of your business. Look, it's none of your business. Emma is my friend. You're bullying her and shouting at her. I'd like you to leave now. Just go, Brian. Please. Whatever. God. I don't know what you ever saw in that dickhead. God. I don't know what you ever saw in that dickhead. (SIGHS) When you want them to talk, they shut up like a... shut-up thing. You want them quiet, they're blabbing. Women ` so much trouble with the vaginas and everything. Women ` so much trouble with the vaginas and everything. (CHUCKLES) So, why are we here again? So, why are we here again? Celebrating our Aphrodelle win. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Cos it is a great win. Even if some people don't think so. Even if some people don't think so. You're not the only one with woman problems. I asked Catherine to move in. I asked Catherine to move in. About time. You'd think I threatened to tie her up and throw her in a dungeon. And Jo's been my new best friend. (SCOFFS) Be very afraid, mate. (SCOFFS) Be very afraid, mate. Just illustrating your point. Women are confusing. Yeah, damn right. Hey, you lot have got it easy. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) 'You lot'? You don't have to worry about women. You don't have to worry about women. You've never met my mother. You don't have to worry about women. You've never met my mother. (LAUGHS) All right, this round's on me. All right, this round's on me. Just a light for me. I'm on the telly in the morning. Well, I'm drinkin' for two. Well, I'm drinkin' for two. (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Hey, did you know my mate here is gonna be the face of the female orgasm? That should be worth a free round. I was only trying to help. It would be a bit much to expect him to be grateful. It would be a bit much to expect him to be grateful. He hasn't once asked about me or talked about what happens when our baby comes along; it's all about beating Jerry, which is so much more important right now (!) (SIGHS) And we haven't even agreed on a name! (GASPS) Oh. Oh dear. Did you just wee yourself? I don't think so. I don't think so. Oh shit. I don't think so. Oh shit. (GASPS, MOANS) Was that`? Was that`? I... I think so. You called Brian, didn't you? You called Brian, didn't you? Yeah, I've left a message. I've texted him. You're going really well. You're nearly 10cm. You're going really well. You're nearly 10cm. 10? Already? A lot of my clients would be very jealous. No, but this is all too quick. I haven't got my music. Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Ooh! JESS CHAMBERS' 'LITTLE HEART' I'm not ready. (YELLS) (YELLS) Nearly second stage. Not long to go now. I feel like a cow. I feel like a cow. Yeah, but a really beautiful cow. You're doing really well. > I'm OK. I'm OK. Yep, you're doing good, mate. Yep, you're doing good, mate. I think this is far enough. (GRUNTS) This is exactly as I imagined it would be. This is exactly as I imagined it would be. (CHUCKLES) Oh man. # I will overcome. # Cos it's so gloriously... Someone's gonna be a very sorry little soldier in the morning. # All my fear... I don't wanna go to school. (GROANS) < Yes, nearly there. Yes. That's it. And here. Go. (PANTS) (YELLS, GASPS) BABY CRIES You did so good. You did so good. And she's looking wonderful. You did so good. And she's looking wonderful. BABY CRIES She? She? Yeah, it's a little girl. Small but perfectly formed. Hello, you. # The sun # still shines. # Aphrodelle, eh? Jammy bastard. Aphrodelle, eh? Jammy bastard. You think? Is that what you two were arguing about the other night? Is that what you two were arguing about the other night? That's very perceptive. Not much gets past the Core, eh. (GIGGLES) Actually, he's asked me to move in with him. And you're running for the hills. And you're running for the hills. I'm just not sure it's the right thing. Mm, cos he smothers you. He doesn't smother me. He doesn't smother me. Nah, he's fluffy slippers. Total settler. You, you're a smart, independent spirit... like me. We don't need anyone to define us. We're designed to walk alone, like cats. You see what I did there? Cats? Cat? Mm, yeah. Stick to your guns ` that's my advice. (PUFFS) So, are we gonna kill this full marathon? I hope so. I hope so. And, you know, if you ever wanna do friends with benefits... (PUFFS) All done. All done. Wonderful. Thank you. Don't be nervous, eh. You'll be absolutely fine. Just ignore the camera and chat to me. OK? Cool. (BLOWS) CELL PHONE VIBRATES (SIGHS) (SIGHS) CELL PHONE VIBRATES (SIGHS) CELL PHONE VIBRATES (PUFFS) (GROANS) (PANTS) Oh! (PUFFS) Oh! (PUFFS) CELL PHONE VIBRATES Hang on, hang on. Oh shit. 'GOOD MORNING' THEME PLAYS ON TV So, today's guest is Mac Delaney, who thinks he knows how to please a woman. BOTH LAUGH BOTH LAUGH Good morning, Mac. BOTH LAUGH Good morning, Mac. Wow, that's quite an introduction. Seriously, though, you are here to talk about a new drug that some are calling the female Viagra. Let me just make one thing clear, Jeanette. Viagra and Aphrodelle are two very different products. For instance, one helps a man get` For instance, one helps a man get` Uh, you might just wanna be careful. We've got kids watching. ...in the mood for intimacy. ...in the mood for intimacy. Ah, nice. Good save. (GIGGLES) Do you think it's ac` TV: Do you think it's actually necessary, though? TV: Do you think it's actually necessary, though? TV: Well, for some women, yeah. But men have to take some responsibility, and Aphrodelle helps to take into account operator error. and Aphrodelle helps to take into account operator error. (CHUCKLES) Nice. I like that. Um, I'm here to see, uh, Emma Wedgewood. TV: And help those who may need directions. What about you, Mac? Do you need a little help finding your way around? What about you, Mac? Do you need a little help finding your way around? (LAUGHS) I'm not afraid to ask. Good to hear. > Good to hear. > But, look, this is not all just about sex. > It's about relationships and intimacy, because we know that when we've found someone special, we want to keep that, don't we? we want to keep that, don't we? True. We do. GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC (SIGHS) Hi. Hi. Hello. You missed all the action. Yeah, well, my phone was on silent. I didn't realise. Yeah, well, my phone was on silent. I didn't realise. That's OK. Did you have a big night? What happened? I mean, I thought we had at least two weeks. (CHUCKLES) Me too. But I guess Constance had other ideas. Constance? Constance? Are we ready to rock and roll? Hi, Brian. Would you like to say hello to your daughter? Constance Wedgewood, this is your daddy. Constance Wedgewood? Oh, well, it's my name, and she looked like a Constance. Her middle name's Margaret, after my mum. Her middle name's Margaret, after my mum. Yeah. I don't know. I-I stink. No, she won't care. > Sonny Bill wasn't this small. She's so tiny. Sonny Bill wasn't this small. She's so tiny. Yeah. Small but perfectly formed. (CHUCKLES) I should get these girls home. What, you're going? What, you're going? Well, um, I'm fine, and she's taking the breast, so... Sure. Uh, but you could pop over later when you're feeling better. Uh, but you could pop over later when you're feeling better. And had a shower. Oh. Well, see ya. Oh. Well, see ya. Yeah. Great. Well, bye, Brian. # If you suffer for love, # is it worth twice as much? # If you resist the call... KNOCK ON DOOR # ...linger on # and inhabit your dreams # so you cannot sleep # because you're so... # Why'd you knock when you have a key? Why'd you knock when you have a key? Um, I don't know. (PANTS) I know we're different, and, yeah, I'm really... I'm scared. But I think I should just admit that and stop being so cautious. What are you saying? What are you saying? I know we're not always gonna agree; that's not the thing. But to love and be loved, that's what I've wanted for so long. Um... Um... I want to move in. (CHUCKLES) Really? That is fantastic. That is fantastic. (LAUGHS) I'm all sweaty. That is fantastic. (LAUGHS) I'm all sweaty. LAUGHS: I don't care. (CHUCKLES) What changed your mind? Actually, it was Cory. Cory? Hey, I'll take it. Hey, I'll take it. (CHUCKLES) Captions by Finn Scott-Kelly. Edited by Anne Langford. www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright TVNZ Access Services 2013