* STAR-SPANGLED BANNER "Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America." "But I've come to realise that you can't have a country without people." "And there are no people here." (EXPLOSION) (ZOMBIE GROWLS) < Stop! Go back! < (SCREAMS) "No, my friends. This is now The United States Of Zombieland." (ZOMBIE BELCHES) "It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit-storm." "And why am I alive, when everyone around me has turned to meat? It's because of my list of rules." "Rule #1 for surviving Zombieland, Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties." (SNARLING / GROWLING) "Poor fat bastard." (CAR HORN) "But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet." "You had to get a gun and learn how to use it." "Which leads me to my second rule, The Double Tap." (GUNSHOT) "In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really dead-dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head..." (ZOMBIE GROWLS / WOMAN SCREAMS) "..And this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy-Meal." "Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda." "It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever." "When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could smell it." Can't a guy take a dump in peace? (ZOMBIE GROWLS / MAN SCREAMS) "Don't let them catch you with your pants down." "Rule #3, Beware of Bathrooms" "As zombies began to outnumber humans, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties." "If the girls in your neighbourhood are now fucked up little monsters... ..well, maybe it's time to stop driving car pool." "You had to focus on your own survival, which leads to Rule #4." "Pretty basic." (CAR HORN) (WOMAN SCREAMS) "Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride." # "For Whom The Bell Tolls" - Metallica www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 # Make his fight on the hill in the early day # Constant chill deep inside # Shouting gun, on they run Through the endless grey # On they fight, for their right Yes, but who's to say? # For a hill, men would kill Why? They do not know # Stiffened wounds test their pride # Men of five, still alive Through the raging glow # Gone insane from the pain That they surely know # For whom the bell tolls # Time marches on # For whom the bell tolls # For whom the bell tolls # Time marches on # For whom the bell tolls # "That guy down there is me." "I'm in Garland, Texas. It may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland." "It's been two months since Patient-Zero took a bite of a contaminated burger at a Gas 'n Gulp." "Just two months and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country." "I may seem like an unlikely survivor with all my phobias and irritable bowel syndrome." "But I had the advantage of never having any friends or close family." "I survived because I play it safe and follow the rules." "My rules." (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (GROWLING / GUNSHOT) (ZOMBIES GROWL / SCREECH) Shit. (BELL PINGS) Of course. (JAZZ MUSIC ON CAR RADIO) (ZOMBIE GROWLS) (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) "On the bright side, I found a place to go number two." "Another rule to surviving Zombieland, travel light. And I don't mean just luggage." "I've always been kind of a loner. I avoided other people like they were zombies, even before they were zombies." "Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people." "So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive." "Even though we were never really close, it'd just be nice to see a familiar face." "Or any face that doesn't have blood dripping from it's lips and flesh between its teeth." (ROCK MUSIC) Thank you. What are you looking for? Nothing, I just, er, I have this list. No-one back there but my duffel bag. Er... what's your name? Stop, no names. Keeps us from getting too familiar. You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife. Oh, that's OK, you don't have to - No. Where are you headed? Er, Columbus. You? Tallahassee. Boss? Er, no, one for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once. You know, erm, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both... east. So? So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least for a while? Here's the deal, Columbus. I'm not easy to get along with and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch. So, er... I give this relationship to about Texarkana. Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana. You're a pappy little spit fuck, aren't you? You might wanna buckle up, for safety. I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves. "Even though teaming up wasn't my style, I figured I'd be safer with Tallahassee." "He was in the ass kicking business, and..." Business is good. "It became quickly apparent however that he did have one weakness." What are we doing here? Take a look. It's a goddamn Hostess truck. Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck. So what? I could use a Twinkie. You coming? Er, yes. Yeah, one second. Are you fucking with me? No. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we're going down that hill, it is very important. I don't believe in it. You ever seen a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle? Hmm. Sno Balls? Yeah. Sno Balls! Where's the fucking Twinkies?! I like Sno Balls. I hate coconut. Not the taste, the consistency. Fresh. Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet. Hey, this may be a bad time, but... ..I've got to take the browns to the Superbowl. Really? Really. "I know. Again? So soon?" "What can I say? I have a case of chronic anxiety." "Truth is, I was always kind of phobic. I found lots of things disturbing." "Like Undertow, or department store Santas." "Being alone with a baby." "But the thing I fear more than anything, even more than zombies." "Fucking clowns." "When you're afraid of everything that's out there, you quit going out there." "Which is what happened to me before Zombieland." "Friday night." "Third straight week indoors." "World of Warcraft." "Leaning tower of pizza boxes." "Code Red Mountain Dew." "Pride? Nowhere." "Dignity? Long gone." "Virginity? Totally justifiable to speculate on." Smooth. "My whole life, all I'd ever wanted was to find a girl, fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks." "Then again, since my folks are paranoid shut-ins like me, maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks." "And then I'd finally be a member of a cool functional family." (KNOCKING) (WOMAN) 408? Please, is anyone home? Please, it's an emergency. "I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic, but my neighbour 406 is insanely hot." OK, OK. Please, please. Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to meet you. # "No One's Gonna Love You" - Band of Horses Here. Here you go. Mountain Dew? Yeah, Code Red. And here's some Golden Grahams. The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp. OK. Keep that there. So, tell me what happened? He... He was homeless and - and sick. And - And I was walking home from the bar, talking on my phone. And then, he just came sprinting towards me. I mean, not - not running, sprinting. And I thought, you know, like maybe he was running from someone or after someone. The last time I saw he was still out there going crazy. Drugs maybe? No. I didn't even tell you the worst part. Yeah? He tried to bite me. You're right, that's the worst part. Sorry. I'm just so scared. No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you. That's the right kind of scare, reasonable scare. I get scared for things that don't make sense, like clowns with red noses. Or the rags they use to wipe down tables when you finish eating in like a chain restaurant. Really? Look, the point is I'm here for you, OK? And as long as you're by my side, I am not leaving this apartment. Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute? No, of course, of course. Thank you. OK. "Set aside the feverish homeless cannibal, I'm living the dream." "I had always, my whole life, wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear." Goodnight. Goodnight. * Oh my god. Are you OK? Whoa, whoa, whoa. (GROWLS) OK, OK, OK. Stop, stop, stop. What are you doing? Look, stay back, 406, OK? I don't wanna hurt you, but.. Shit. (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) Oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry. (COUGHS) "You see, you just can't trust anyone." "The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me." Please. Listen to me, 406. If you're in there. You're just sick, OK? (SCREAMS) "That was my first brush with the plague of the 21st century." "Remember mad cow disease? Well, mad cow became mad person, became mad zombie." "It's a fast acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever and made you hateful, violent, and give you really, really bad case of the munchies." Alright, you steer, I'll push. Er, OK. I've heard there's a place that's untouched by all this crap? Back east, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you heard the same thing? Out west we hear it's back east. Back east they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole, hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year. There are no penguins on the North Pole. You wanna feel how hard I can punch? So, what do you think? Wait, the last time I laid some pipe? The last time you went 20 toes. Put Percy in the playpen. Who's Percy? Wallpapered the closet. Passed the gravy. Went heels to Jesus. Oh, oh, made love? Well, just sex. Er... Three weeks ago, yeah. In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck. Yeah. Shut up. No, no, I was headed east. She, er, west. And we took shelter in the back of the truck. It was full of undelivered packages. What was her name? Beverly. Beverly Hills. You dog. So er, what about you? Me? I... I... Ai yai yai. Oh my god. Makes you sick. It makes you sad, it makes you... ..makes you think if you can go back to the way things were right now, you know, you'd be... ..you'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch fireflies. And instead, this. I mean it makes you - Hungry. I'm worried about you. Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus, I promise you it ain't any prettier than our friend here enjoying her man-wich. (LAUGHS) "Tallahassee had a sick sense of humour when it came to zombies." "Zombies aren't the most loveable creatures, but he really hated them." "The only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies was finding a Twinkie." "Something about a Twinkie reminded him of a time not so long ago, when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic." "It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat, the world would become innocent again and everything would return to normal." What are you prospecting? Jesus Christ, you are a dangerous man. You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie? There's a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies. The last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Someday very soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go... empty. Time to nut up or shut up. "When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for not-to-be-fucked-with." "No fear, nothing to lose." "What can I say, it's like... it's like art." (PLAYS BANJO) (GROWLING) (ROCK MUSIC) You got a purdy mouth! (ZOMBIE GROWLS) Don't swing, don't swing! Swing! Thank you. You owe me. You're incredible. I know. Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Big hoss. Come here, big fella. Just gonna take a little off the top. Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. And they're so fat. I think we should probably just keep going. "All I could think of was 'What are the odds?'" Another marriageable woman to bring home to the folks. Come quick. "Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it." Hey. I'll catch up. "Rule #22. When in doubt, know your way out." They're sisters. The little one's been bitten. Act normal, try not to freak her out. Yeah. Columbus. Wichita, Little Rock. So, you did all this for a Twinkie? Oh, no, no, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character. Look, erm, I don't think she has long. I know, I know. And she knows. We're just looking for a way out. No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl. Don't talk about me like I'm not here. Alright, sorry. Look, I know... I know that you're really sick. Wow. But your sister wants me to - It's not her decision, OK? It's mine. I made her promise. We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun. We don't know that there's definitely no cure - You're just gutless! Give him the gun. Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I'll do it. I love you. Love you, too. You need some help? Now that you mention it. We'll take your weapons, your car keys, your ammunitions. And if you got it, sugarless gum. What the fuck? Wait, wait, why are you guys doing this? Better you make the mistake of trusting us, than us making the mistake of trusting you. "Of course, the first hot girl in a thousand miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot, steals my double barrel, and then says I'm the one that can't be trusted." Nice going genius. You're the one that gave her the gun. Those guys were dumb. # "Gold Guns Girls" - Metric Avoid the vanity mirror. Relax, OK? I just passed for a zombie. What I'd give for a show- Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, OK? Let's just get where we're going. So, do you think it's true? Is what true? You know, about Pacific Playland? Totally zombie-free. Only place west of Waco. Trust me. So he's on one of these serious Tour de France bikes, you know, with the - the toeholds, right? And he's pedalling. And the zombie's head is like caught in the gear. You know, with the hair in the chain just like, going around. Very cool. Yeah. But... zombie kill of the week? No, sir. I saw this construction worker, I shit you not. He is on a steam roller and a zombie goes down in front of him. You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up from the bottom? Yeah, I always roll it up from the bottom. Well, zombie's head is the cap. Are you one of these guys that just tries to one-up everybody else's story? No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me. Let's just try to find their car. Which reminds me, I never had headaches like this until your ass came on board. Do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. Hey, there's a nice minivan. You know something, that is nice. That's a beautiful van. "Tallahassee believes that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland or else you lose what's left of your mind." "Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say hey, go ape shit." I want my Caddy back! Stupid little bitches! Oh, I think I pulled something. You think the two of us are smart enough to come home with a car like that? You hesitated. Is it better to be smart or lucky? Look at what we got here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (CHUCKLES) Come on. That's nice. Smell the finger? # "Everybody Wants Some" - Van Halen Thank God for rednecks! This is a really big truck, and these are really... big guns. Take your time. (GUNFIRE) Woo-hoo! # But everybody wants some # I want some, too # Everybody wants some... # You know, they say "He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves". Alright, two graves. One for the big chick, one for the little chick. You are scary happy. (LAUGHS) Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home? Oh, you want to talk about home? For me, home was a puppy named Buck. Cutest dog ever. # "Puppy Love" - Paul Anka All those fucking zombies... I lost him. And there ain't no getting him back, so, er... ..I'm looking for a new home. Tomorrow, maybe skinny dipping in the Yellowstone River, or swinging from the chandeliers in the Playboy mansion, but today, a Vortec six fucking litre V8, a box full of hollow points and Lord willing, a GD Twinkie. You gotta enjoy the little things. (CHUCKLES) "I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosemite Sam, but I'm writing it down." "Rule #32, enjoy the little things." * Knowing them, it's a trap. Wait here. Drive down if I signal. You're not gonna shoot them, are you? Not unless they shoot at me. Oh, let's hope they shoot at me. Looks like they hoofed it. Probably headed west. Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. Sure. They're in the back, aren't they? Just me. I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger. You got taken hostage by a twelve year old? Girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age. Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please. Like you'd ever use that thing - (GUNSHOT) Don't kill me with my own gun! All those violent video games. Thank you. Now honk your horn. What? Honk it! (HONKS HORN) Oh, there's your sister with my gun. Hello. Bummer. Now step away from the vehicle. You get to ride shotgun. "I kinda like this girl.She's not your typical hot, stuck up bitch." "Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us." Er... what are you looking for? My engagement ring. I... I took it off to pump my gas and I thought that I put it in my purse, but it must have fallen out. And I'm late for my flight, and I'm... Listen, I'll find your ring and I'll FedEx it to you. I'll give you a reward. Don't be silly. $3,000. It's worth more than my car. Just... just give me your number. I'll find it. Yeah, I'll start looking for it right now. Because I got nothing else to do. I was engaged once, but I'm single now. Bye-bye. Hope you make your flight. (PHONE RINGS) I know it's around here somewhere. She's on a plane, that's the beauty of it. Let me call you back. Hey, you found my ring! Thanks, I've been looking all over for it. Your ring? Well, it's my friend's. I'm gonna send it to her. Do I get a reward? 40, 60, 80, 400. That's it. That's the whole register. You made someone very happy. You too. Nice. How many left? Let me see. Enough for us to get to California. Someday I want a ring this big. For the low price of 30 bucks, sold. "It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewellery and a cut-throat attitude." "I guess we're lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road." Thank you, Wichita. Thanks, Little Rock. No! Hey, for fuck's sake, enough! We're being chased by ravenous freaks! We don't have enough problems? "They stole my Hummer." "We have trust issues". Get over it, OK? We can't just drive down the road playing I Spy, or some shit for two hours, like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me! Whoa. I know Let me be the mature one. Good. So... where are you guys headed? Pacific Playland. The amusement park? Wait, outside LA? Yeah, we went there as kids. That place totally blows... ..my mind. It's so fun. Just good entertainment for the whole family. Yeah, yeah, actually I went there as a kid, too. In fact, this probably counts as off-season. Did you guys hear? There are no zombies there. Yeah, we heard. You know what, I may not shoot you, but you have still royally pissed me off. And I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland. Don't worry he grows on you. Really(!) No, it gets worse. OK. How about we play the quiet game? Yeah? Starting now. Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you. Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio? You ever played the quiet game? Sorry. No? Well they're playing it in Columbus, Ohio. It's a total ghost town, it's burned to the ground. You're Columbus. I'm sorry. I didn't realise it was.. "I'm not sure what's more tragic. That my family is gone, or the realisation that I never really had much of a family to begin with." "Either way, I can't pretend that whatever I'm looking for, I'll find by going home. I have no home." We can, er... give you a ride. You can go... see for yourself, or settle somewhere new. (OK.) "I could tell she knew what I was feeling." "We were all orphans in Zombieland." I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts but... ..it's been so long since she got to be a kid. Well, it's tough growing up in Zombieland. It's tough growing up. There. You could take that truck. Well, I... hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. And don't let go once you do. "It wasn't just because I had nowhere else to go. It was because in that moment it became clear." "Wherever this girl was, that's where I wanted to be." # "Oh! Sweet Nuthin'" - The Velvet Underground Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up. "Wantum Your Wampum." Yeah, that'll work. OK, but what the hell are we doing? Just humour him, trust me. Hold up. Who wants to go first? "I really, really want to impress Wichita, but it would be in direct violation of Rule #17." "Maybe the most important rule of all, don't be hero." Why don't you take this one? Don't mind if I do. (RINGS BELL) (GROWLING) (GUNSHOT) What do you think? Zombie kill of the week? "Close, but no cigar. Zombie kill of the week goes to Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker." (RINGS BELL) "Poor flat bastard." (TRIBAL MUSIC) Perfume? What? Is that perfume? Erm, it's cologne. I'm thinking... Lancome Magnifique. Why don't you speak up? They might have missed it in Santa Fe. (CHUCKLES) Oh my God. You're thinking about fucking Wichita. Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both. Hey. (SNIFFS) (LAUGHS) Good luck now, Petunia. OK. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that you're a wonderful human with great potential - It's OK. But FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that. I'm sure. You get... 45% power. Thank you. (GLASS SMASHES) (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Come on, break another one. Nice. Doesn't that feel good? # "The Marriage Of Figaro" - Mozart "Sometimes Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things." "Even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things." # "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" - Willie Nelson (SNIFFS) Smells like perfume. * You don't know who Willie Nelson is? No. Willie Nelson. Yeah, no, I don't. Yeah, I shave every morning but sometimes by like 4:30 I'll have a thing. I know it's called the 5 o'clock shadow but sometimes... Since it's a freeway, you can get it up to like 65, but you don't wanna go more than 75. You don't wanna go more than 20. (ALL SHOUTING) Don't worry about a blind spot. Blind spots are for other drivers. It's the first time I've driven it! So, do you never strap in or it's just on long road trips? It's just, you know, there's zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries is... That's true. ..seat belts. Yes, but no, she's not. She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, wearing the wig. OK, right. So... It's kind of freeing. Yeah. # "Kingdom of Rust" - Doves "For the first time in a long time, we were having fun." "So even though it ran counter to our survival strategies, we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland." # My god # It takes an ocean of trust # Takes an effort, it does # My god # It takes an ocean of trust # It's in the Kingdom of Rust # I think sleep deprivation is the number one health problem in America. Now I think it might be number two. (LAUGHS) "Number two." That's adorable. I think we should find a place to crash. Oh, I got an idea. We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style. Grab a map. (ZOMBIES GROWL) (GUNSHOTS) Come on. Hurry! Hurry! Good job. Looks like anyone who's ever been in a movie lives on this block. What exactly do you think we're doing in the 90210, Sally? I pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer. B-lister compared to who I got in mind, folks. We are going to the tipi top of the A-list. Who? Who? You'll see. Hey, there's a big BM. It ain't Bob Marley. Whoa. This place is incredible. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to La Mansion de Murray. Oh, Bill Murray God, no way. This guy has a direct line to my funny bone. I mean, every - Wait, who's Bill Murray? Hey, I've never hit a kid before. I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is. Who's Gandhi? She's twelve. No Twinkies. Shit! Fuck! See? I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe's. No-one listens to me. Hello, inside voices. At least until we know we're alone. Tallahassee, Wichita, why don't you take that way? Little Rock, come here. Why do I get stuck with her? It doesn't seem to end. Hey, come here. Whoa. He has his own movie theatre? Whoa. OK, I'm gonna teach you about Bill Murray. The king slept right here. Dibs on the bed. Too soft for me anyway. (TV) # "If there's something strange" # "In your neighbourhood" # "Who you gonna call..." This is so exciting. You're about to learn who you're gonna call. It's Ghostbusters. # "..And it don't look good" # "Who you gonna call..." (SINISTER MUSIC) This is pretty catchy. # "I ain't afraid of no ghost..." Help me with the boots, come on. Help me with the boots. OK, I'll get them myself. # "If you're seeing things" # "Running through your head" # "Who can you call?" # "Ghostbusters!" # "An invisible man" # "Sleeping in your bed" # "Who you gonna call?" # "Ghostbusters!" (SNARLING) Bill Murray, you're a zombie? (YELLS IN PAIN) Ow! I'm on fire! Ouch! You're not a zombie, you're talking. You're OK. The hell I am! I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was you-you. Are you... What's with the... the get up? Oh, I do it to blend in. You know, zombies don't mess with other zombies. A make-up guy showed me how to do this. Corn starch, some berries, a little liquorice for the ladies. It suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes at the Riviera. Just walked on, nobody there. Goddamn it! Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time - Well, maybe not lately, but I'm - I'm such a huge fan of yours. I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. And I even love your dramatic roles, and just... everything. Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray! I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was... ..since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. "A former greenskeeper about to become the Masters champion." (LAUGHS) Well, that's why we do it. I love you, Bill. I love you. (MOUTHS) Thank you. You are staring at me, it's a hairpiece - I'm sorry, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen. I just saw Eddie Van Halen. No? Really? Yeah. Where? At the Hollywood Bowl. How was it? He's a zombie. Oh, that's a tough break. So, how about a little West Coast hospitality. Can I get you something? What would you like? # "Don't Fear The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult (COUGHS) Smooth, isn't it? Mmm-hmm. Oh, hurry, hurry, he's on the ceiling. Come get him. Light 'em up, Ray! See you on the other side, Pete. Oh, he's so disgusting, just like Slimer. Don't cross the streams! I don't wanna cross - Don't cross the streams! # Ghostbusters! # "35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds." "That's a big Twinkie" Your sister is single, right? There's nothing long-distance or anything? No. Good, good. And if she had like a type, you know... If you can have a type, what would that be? She kinda goes for like bad boys. Really? Yeah. (That's cool.) What... Oh, whoops. So, Columbus is the scared one? Yeah, he's like a little bunny. I'll get him. Watch this. (IMITATES ZOMBIE) (GUNSHOT) No! It's OK, it's OK. I got him. Is that how you say hello where you come from? Oh my God. Oh my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray. Mr Murray? Just "Bill" I think now. Bill? Yeah? I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this. Ah, that's still tender. You think you might pull through? No. If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive. It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker. So, do you have any regrets? Garfield, maybe. (LONG BREATH OUT) (LONG BREATH OUT) (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, he just gets me. But it still is sad. (Yeah.) OK. Shit. Shit. Oh. (GUNSHOTS) Sorry. One second. It's a double-barrel, sorry. OK. Three, two, one. You guys want some caramel? Yes. Yeah. Yes! Oh, free parking. Which is the best thing about Zombieland. No, best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates. "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday". Who cares? No, the best thing is no more flushing, epic. And the worst thing? About Z-land? You mean, other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray? That's easy. Losing Buck. That's his puppy. I tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Buck. It was just... The day he was born, I just lost my mind. Sorry. (SIGHS) We were two peas. He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite. "Laugh? And that's when it hit me. I felt so ashamed that it had taken me this long." "Me, with the best cardio in the business, to realise I wasn't the only one running from something." There it is. There you go. Oh, you like syrup. (CHILD LAUGHS) We made this wallet together out of Duct Tape. "Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose." I haven't cried like that since Titanic. (GUNSHOT / GLASS SMASHES) # "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" - Hank Williams Hi. A hint? Why don't you, er... exhale slowly, and squeeze the trigger. (EXHALES) (GUNSHOT / GLASS SMASHES) (POPS CORK) Don't make me drink alone. OK. It's 1997, "Geor... Georges." I never took French. "Georges Day," I don't know. Oh, it's a 97? Yeah. Was that a good year? Oh my God. It was a great year, are you kidding me? I saw my first R rated movie that year. Yeah, Anaconda. Oh, Anaconda. (LAUGHS) Erm, first tattoo, a porpoise. Really? Fake. Oh. First kiss. Scotty Lynch. Did you guys... use tongue? (LAUGHS) Maybe. (ROMANTIC MUSIC) Are you jealous of Scotty Lynch? Er, yes, I am. Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Let's see, mine, erm... First orthodontist. The bastard gave me head gear. Yeah. I got my first B. Oh no(!) Frightening as Anaconda. Erm... woodshop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway. No. Erm... had my first school dance. Oh, thank you. It was Sadie Hawkins, so girl's choice. What, nobody picked you? It was girl's choice. Those bitches! I know. No, I will not stand for this. You know what? On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls... ..I would like to make it up to you. # Two Of The Lucky Ones - The Droge And Summers Blend Relax, Scotty's old news. # When all the work is done # By the light of a setting sun # We see what we've become # Two of the lucky ones # For the very first time There's no words to be found # Opened up our eyes, there was love all around... I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice. You know? Between you, me and What About Bob?... ..you're actually kind of cute. You think so? Yeah. I mean, you got the guts of a guppy, but... ..I could hit that. Really? I'll at least give you the intentional walk to first. # When all the work is done # By the light of a setting sun # We see what we've become... # Hey, a little help moving the couch. We're making a fort. Yeah. That was probably for the best, because, erm... ..I like you, Columbus, but my sister and I are going to do whatever it takes to survive, so... Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * "I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get, but I realised that she had more trust issues than I did, when I woke up the next day and she was leaving." (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) (TYRES SCREECH) You were like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab. Hey. I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule? Trust no-one, just you and me. Just you and me. Yeah, you and me. You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country. Where are you gonna go? I'm going to Pacific Playland! Whoo! Open Sesame. "This is the problem with getting attached to someone." "When they leave you, you just feel lost. "Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me, it just made me feel more alone." Hey, you weren't exactly gonna score anyway. You weren't storming the trenches before I came along. That's why I don't let people close, you only get burned. You don't say. Mexico. You know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? Los Submarinos. That's where I'm headed, amigo. Whatever. (FAIRGROUND MUSIC STARTS) (GROWLING / SNARLING) (LAUGHTER) Oh my God! (LAUGHS) Oh! (LAUGHTER) (GROWLING / SNARLING) Oh no. I'm going after Wichita. Look, you ever read that book, "She's Just Not That Into You"? You can't make yourself too available. I don't care, I wanna be with her. Have fun in Mexico. (ROCK MUSIC) Come on! Hurry! Get in! (GROWLING) Come on, go! Go! Go! (SHRIEKS) On the count of three. One, two, three. Are you OK? Come on. Hurry, get up. Come on, let's go. (GUNSHOTS) There! (GUNSHOTS / GROWLING) I'm... I'm not great at farewells, so, er.... ..that'll do, pig. That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, and you stole it from a movie. Tell the ladies I said hey. Their pictures were in someone's wallet, too. (ENGINE STARTS) Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. Let's go ride the roller coaster. Thanks. Go! (GUNSHOTS / GROWLING) (SCREAMS) (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh my God, oh my God! Not as fun as I remember. (GROWLING) Shoot the control box. (BOTH LAUGH) (ROCK MUSIC) Columbus. Tallahassee. I think they might actually require our hard assistance this time. Buckle up. Yep, I'm way ahead of you. Time to nut up or shut up. (GROWLING) Holy shit. (GUNFIRE) My mama always told me, someday I'd be good at something. Who'd have guessed that it would be zombie killing? Probably nobody. Look! We'd better start working on our apology. Oh no. No. (BOTH) Hey! Hey! Up here! Hey! Hey! Help! Oh my God! Hey! They're up there, they're OK. Well, what are you waiting for? It's your gal. Over here! Help! (SOUNDS KLAXON) Come on! (KLAXON) Come get a piece of Tallahassee! Anybody hungry?! Tallahassee's nice this time of year! Come on! (KLAXON) Come on, you ugly bastards! (KLAXON) (ZOMBIES GROWL) (KLAXON) (GUNFIRE) Holy Shit. Holy Shit! Hey! Whoo, whoo! (ROCK MUSIC) (GUNFIRE) Motherfucker. (EVIL LAUGHTER) (ZOMBIE SNARLS) (ZOMBIE SNARLS) (GIRLS SHRIEK) (ZOMBIE SCREAMS) Shit, I'm out of shells. Bingo. Whoo-hoo! Oh yeah! Whoo! Here we go. (LAUGH) (EVIL LAUGHTER) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (WOLF HOWLS) (ZOMBIE GROWLS) (GUNSHOT) (SOUND OF EMPTY GUN BARREL) * Oh. Oh, shit. Wichita! Little Rock! Hurry! (ZOMBIE GROWLS) "Oh my God." "Look at this fucking clown." "Of course, it had to be a clown." Fuck. "No, it had to be a clown." "And it had to be Wichita for me to finally understand that some rules are made to be broken." (SNARLS) "Time to nut up or shut up." (BELL RINGS) "Fuck this clown." (ROCK MUSIC) (NOSE HONKS) (BOTH SCREAMING / ZOMBIE GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (GIRLS SCREAM) Thanks. Hey. Got your gun, here you go. Hi. OK. Christa. # "Your Touch" - The Black Keys # I want it # And you got it # So much... # Ok, we should probably head out now. Finally he got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck. Where's Florida? Er... I have a little hunch. Where are you, you spongy yellow delicious bastards?! Where are you?! Whoa, whoa, whoa. False advertising! Jesus Christ. You want a Sno Ball or something? (BANGING SOUND / GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) Oh God! Words cannot express. It's too soon. Do you think you can maybe just pick out the Buckshot? Just kind of eat around it? OK. Yeah. (CAR ENGINE STARTS) No! No! No! "That face? That's me realising that those smart girls in that big black truck, and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket they were the closest to something I'd always wanted, but never really had." "A family." "I trusted them and they trusted me." "Rule #32, enjoy the little things." "Tallahassee got his Twinkie." "And even though life would never be simple or innocent again, as he savoured that spongy yellow log of cream, we had hope, we had each other." "And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie." Thank you so much You had us going. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! That was very funny. "So until next time remember - cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything, "but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody." "I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland saying good night." # "Salute Your Solution" - The Raconteurs # So listen to me, sister, listen maybe you can help # I think I gave a lot of problems my consideration # But not for me they always seem to be for someone else # Why all the people always seem to just be on vacation # What do I get from it? I don't get anything at all # I'm like a trash can holding all the information # And every single time I'm in the field to be taught # Salute your solution, now, salute your solution # I find myself just looking worthy of my best intentions # Ignoring any kinda pause I might receive at all # All others seem to find a road that's tough to satisfaction # I find a ridicule that isn't cool for me at all # And if there's one little answer to this complication # Someone somewhere so help me settle what is on my mind # There's only one I'm only taking, getting and receiving # There's only one I'm taking And only one I'm taking # And only one I'm taking And only one I'm taking # And only one I'm taking And only one # And I got what I got all despite you # And I get what I get just to spite you # And I got what I got all despite you # And I get what I get just to spite you # And I got what I got all despite you # And I get what I get just to spite you # I find myself just looking worthy of my best intentions # Ignoring any kinda pause I might receive at all # And all the others seem to find myself a satisfaction # I find a ridicule that isn't cool for me at all # But if there's one little answer to this complication # Someone somewhere so help me settle what is on my mind # There's only one I'm only taking, getting and receiving # There's only one I'm taking And only one I'm taking # And only one I'm taking And only one I'm taking # And only one I'm taking And only one # IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014