You stole from me. I borrowed. Get out. Jesus, woman. That is rich coming from you. He told me it would be OK if I found a lover who could give me a baby. Well, that has to be a trap. I feel like a teenager again. (CHUCKLES) (ROCK MUSIC) Oh! Captions by Faith Hamblyn. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018. I'd like you to put on the Chewbacca outfit, just on your arm. (BOTH LAUGH) Westside, brought to you by The Rock. (CAR HORN HONKS) (HONKS HORN) All right! That's enough of the tonsil hockey! He's got a hard on. I can see it. God. Shut up, Mandy! Get your arse out of the front seat. Are you sure you don't wanna join us? I'm still gonna say no. Not that your racist grandma doesn't sound like a lovely person. I'll have you know that Grandma Miller is the sweetest person in the world and she'll absolutely love you. Yeah, mainly cos you're not brown. Mandy, get in the car! Well, if you're gonna stay here, you better sort your shit out. I'm working on it. Wedding rings ` I want options on my return. And find a best man. Well, I haven't decided who yet. By the time I get back. Anyone except Eric, Falani or Sparky. Mandy! Have fun. (MOUTHS) (BLUES GUITAR MUSIC) So, Wolfie. Cheryl's away, and when Cheryl's away, Wolf is keen to play. Not this time, Eric. Oh, come on, mate. It's about time we had a good old-fashioned bender and pushed the boat out a little. My diary is wide open. Can't, sorry. Cheryl's given me more wedding duties. Oh. Crap. What is it this time? She wants me to get the wedding rings. Oh. Eternal love and happiness, eh? Mm. Something like that. Where did Dad get yours? (THE DANCE EXPONENTS' 'GONE FOREVER IN ANOTHER CAR' PLAYS) You'll have to ask him. There's shitloads of rings down at the Galleria. Why don't you just give her one of those? Because Cheryl's requested that the rings aren't stolen. Oh. Well, la de fucking da. What other wedding duties has Cheryl burdened you with? Nothing that important. Just picking out my best man. Wolf, can I just say that it would be the greatest honour for me to be by your side on your big day` Can I just say that I would be the best best man in the history of best men. Sparky, looking good there. Thanks. Well, I'm off to see my girlfriend. See ya later, lonely losers and Wolf. That is how a best man presents himself. You're seriously considering Sparky? Do you want your wedding to end up in a fireball? He is desperately underqualified and also dangerous to others. But for starters, I need someone who knows how to scrub up. Then I'm your man. Nice try, boys. But at this stage, looks like Sparky's the best man for the job. (CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS) Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been three days since my last confession. Two days, Phineas. Really? Really. Father, I've been sleeping with the prostitutes again. And while I'm doing it with them, I think of Carol,... and then I think of God, and then I start to cry. Yes, I'm aware of this. And then we stop doing it because my tears are making her feel weird, and we just lie there and talk,... just like Carol and I used to do. It's kind of nice. Phineas,... you can confess to God all you want. But until you are honest with those you are close to, you will never be free of sin. You mean tell Carol? But... will she forgive me? Pretty sweet pad. Yeah, beats a motel. So, you reckon you'll be coming home soon? Why? Did your mother say something? No. I was just wondering. Oh right. Did you come over just to watch us eat breakfast or was there something else? Yeah, I wanted some advice about wedding rings. (LAUGHS) And you're asking us? Why shouldn't he? Well, Bilkey can't get married, cos he doesn't bone chicks, and we're not even living with our wives ` we're not exactly marriage role models, are we? Have a nice day, Lefty. (CLEARS THROAT) Look, you want my advice, don't go overboard. There's no sense in getting all wound up over a tiny piece of metal. I think the point Ted's trying to make is that it doesn't need to be too extravagant. No, I got mine at a little place just outside of Waihi. The cheapest ring in the store. (BLUES GUITAR MUSIC) Tell you what ` why don't you let me take care of it? Seriously? Yeah, I've got no other pressing business to attend to. You fancy a trip down the line? Yeah, why not? I'll make sure he gets something Cheryl likes. Leave it with us, son. Two wedding rings by the end of the day. You sure your mum's not home? She's at the Galleria all day. Or Lefty? Doesn't live here any more. Wait. Do you think this is wrong? No. Yeah. I don't know. Why? Us making out in my room when the Americans are invading. They are? The USS Texas. Oh. You mean that big boat that's arriving tomorrow? The USS Texas is not a boat, Sparky; it's a nuclear-powered warship. And it goes against everything we stand for as a nation. We should be out protesting. Or we could be making love, not war. And don't get me started on Dial-a-Sailor. Eh? It's disgusting. They might as well call it Dial-a-Dick! Because they're being dicks? Yeah, but it's not about that. It's about... feminism. How do you know about feminism? Because... I am a feminist. Really? Yeah. I think women should be treated with respect at all times. That's so cute. (SULTRY GUITAR MUSIC) (BOTH SMOOCH) (SIGHS) This is not normal. You know that. You only call me when you feel like a fuck. It's a bit disrespectful. Well, if you're not happy with the arrangement` I'm not saying that; I'm just saying it's not the normal way of doing things. There are gonna be protests all over the city. All my friends are gonna be there. But not you? No. Mum won't let me. How would you like it if it was the other way around? Are you sure you want to start this argument, Lefty? What if I was to demand sex from you whenever I felt like it? Well, then, that would be most of our marriage, wouldn't it? Hey, that's not fair. Well, if all you're gonna do is whine about it... I'm not. WHISPERS: Then fucking do it, Lefty. (GASPS) Shit. Hold that thought. I will. (ROCK MUSIC) (GASPS) You little pervert! Please don't be unreasonable about this. I told you to stay away from her! Get back here, you little bastard! (MUSIC CONTINUES) Argh! You can run, but you can't hide, you creep! Lefty, get back here. You're a disgrace! Sue. Charlie. (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) (BIRDS CHIRP) Hello, Carol. Brian. Hi. Look, Sheba. It's your pug friend Barry. (BOTH CHUCKLE) So how's things, Carol? Well,... I'm not quite sure. I'm living a lie, I guess. That doesn't sound like too much fun. It's not a barrel of laughs, no. Well, if there's anything I can do, you let me know, OK? There really isn't. Thanks, Brian. You're a good person. Bye, Carol. Come on. Phineas. Are you OK? I've got something to tell you, Carol,... something big. OK. It's about prostitutes. What about them? They've been having sex... with me. Why? Well, I paid them to. (SCOFFS) Carol,... I am so sorry. I keep trying to stop, but I can't. (SIGHS) I... I don't know what to say. I always thought I satisfied your needs in the bedroom. You did. But then we stopped. Because you couldn't any more, because you couldn't give me a baby and it was doing your head in. At least that's what I thought. It was. It still is. But I have needs. You know what I mean? (SIGHS) I think I have to go. Carol! (DOOR SLAMS) (ROCK MUSIC) NIGELLA LAWSON: Hello, dark-chocolate lovers. Here's the moment you've been waiting over 100 years for ` Andrew and Brian's new caramel filling... Mmm. ...surrounded by their 62% dark... Three, Maori TV, Netflix and YouTube all in one place, Vodafone TV has Sky, TVNZ, Three, Maori TV, Netflix and YouTube all in one place, bringing all your favourites together like never before. I'm not usually a competitive person. But when it comes to weddings, I must do away with modesty. Yeah, right (!) I'm way less competitive than you. I have attended over 20 family weddings, and there is a very low rate of divorce. So you've been to a few weddings. Big fucking deal. Eh, Wolf? At least he'll know where to stand. I know where to stand, mate ` up the front, where I've always been, your wingman. A wingman is the opposite to a best man. Not in my books, mate. Look, I could have rooted Jeanette or Anne-Marie, or Cheryl, even. They were all over me like a rash. But no, I let Wolf go there first, and now he's gonna marry one of them. You have no class. Wolf, can you put Falani out of his misery and just tell him that you've picked me? Sorry, Eric, but my gut still tells me that Sparky's the man for the job. (SPACE WALTZ'S 'SCARS OF LOVE' PLAYS) OK. You're not even supposed to be here. Excuse me, young lady. You're the one who is supposed to be at school, not here, studying hanky-panky with Captain Wanky. I was talking to Dad. Eh? You don't live here any more. Hey, I still own this bloody house, in case you weren't aware. You two are so hypocritical. Your father popped a button on his trousers, and I was doing him a favour, helping him sew it back on. Oh, crap. And also ew! Enough of your cheek. I think you'll find that in my book, truancy is a much greater crime than helping out your useless husband. Eh? So if I catch you with Sparky again, clothed or unclothed, you will be grounded until your 18th birthday. You can't make rules like that. I have free will. Not under my roof, you don't. Argh! Let her cool off. It usually takes a couple of hours. Enough time to get back to...? Call me if you need me. Great bit of country, this. Mm. Not many jewellery stores, but. You sure you know where this place is? Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday. I'd just managed to steal Rita away from her old man, and we shot down the East Coast to hide out for a few days, turned into a couple of weeks dossing in small towns, not a care in the world. Then on the way back, we stopped into this jewellery store and got the rings. Well, I bought the rings. Rita went for cigarettes. Sounds hideously romantic. Yeah, it was, looking back. (DOOR SHUTS) Hey, she hasn't said anything, has she? Who, Rita? Yeah. I know she tells you things she doesn't tell other people. Sometimes. Not recently, no. No. That's all right. I was just trying to get the lay of the land, really. You two will sort this out. You always have in the past. Yeah, in the past. But on-again-off-again shit's a lot easier when you're young. Tell that to the 21-year-old I slept with last week. (CHUCKLES) But seriously, you're not like Ngaire and Lefty and Phineas and Carol and every other straight couple I know ` you two are made for each other. For better or worse, right? Yeah. Yeah, well, it can't get much worse. (KNOCK AT DOOR) My marriage is over. OK. Phineas just told me he's been sleeping with prostitutes. OK. You sit on the couch. I'll get the drinks. I should have read the signs, Rita. We aren't even sleeping in the same bed. And he's been having so many showers lately. And it's all my fault. Carol, don't you dare. Do not blame yourself for him being a useless male idiot who needs to fuck anything that moves, cos it makes him feel like a king for five minutes of the day. But I put so much pressure on him with the baby thing. Phineas isn't good at dealing with pressure. I thought you'd, kind of, put the baby thing behind you. Yeah. Well, sort of. Mostly. Carol, you acted on it, didn't you? When Phineas said you could find someone to knock you up. You know he didn't really mean that, right? Carol, going out and fucking random guys makes you almost as bad as Phineas. Almost. I would never do that. (SNIFFLES) Maybe when I was younger. So not random, then. It's not Ted, if that's what you're thinking. It wouldn't worry me if it was. You're welcome to him. Well that's lovely, but... Who is it? Bert. Bert Thompson?! I know what you think of Bert,... but to me, he is caring... and lovely and enthusiastic. This is why you two were all squirrely about the Riana thing. Well, you were sending him out to root her like he was a prostitute. Oh, well, maybe I should have sent Phineas, seeing as that's his area of expertise. That's a low blow, Rita. WHISPERS: Love,... what has got into you? Apart from Bert. You can't tell Phineas. He will kill Bert if he finds out. Well, yeah, Bert would deserve it. Please, Rita. I'm not gonna tell anyone. But Carol, you really need to sort your shit out. And that doesn't mean going back to Phineas. Do not pity him, no matter how sad he looks. He's the one who should be crawling back to you. And you really need to stop fucking Bert. I will. Just one more time, and` Carol, no more times. But the sex is very good, Rita. Doesn't matter. If you keep doing it with Bert, it will not end well. (SNEAKY MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS CLICK) Terrible security. We should have swung by at night-time. Can I help you? Yeah, I certainly hope so. Ted West. Not sure if you remember me. I bought my wedding rings here back in the '60s. Can't say I do, but I never forget a piece of jewellery. Ah. Yeah, not the fanciest example, I know, but all I could afford at the time. Well, it's the symbolism that counts. So, who are we shopping for today? Ted's son. Yeah, he's getting hitched soon. So I'm looking for a couple of wedding bands, nothing too pricey. Yeah, but nothing too cheap either. You should have stood up for yourself. Mum and Dad aren't that scary. Well, I wasn't wearing any clothes. So? You're supposed to stand up to the oppressors, not run away like a chicken. I'm not a chicken. Yes, you are. I'm not. In fact, I'm gonna join the protest tomorrow. Whatever. I am. I'm gonna make the USS Texas wish it never came down here. And how are you gonna do that? By blowing a hole in the side of it. All we need to do is aim the tinny at the Texas,... and then boom. You do know you're gonna blow yourself up too, eh? That's why I need you guys to follow, in kayaks. Kayaks? Mm. When the boats are on a collision course, but at a safe distance, we are going to jump over the side, yeah? And then you guys come and do the pickup just before the explosion hits. Sparky, sinking a nuclear warship in the Auckland Harbour ` is that a good idea? I'm not gonna sink it ` there isn't enough dynamite; I'm just gonna blow a hole in the side to make a statement. Boats with holes in them sink. What if you blew up the nuclear reactor and the radiation leaks out and turns us into mutant freaks? Mate, just let it go. We said we're out, and we're out. Wolf, you don't understand. This is my chance to be someone. Give it up. Just chill out. Have a smoke or something. At least you tried. No,... we're just getting started. All we need is your mum's car. (ROCK MUSIC) A wise choice, Mr West. Your son and daughter-in-law will be very happy. Yeah, bloody better be. Thanks for your time. Ted? Is there something else I could help you with? You never forget a piece of jewellery, right? Never have before. The last time I was in here, when I bought this, you showed me a couple of rings first. White gold. I know the ones you mean. They've been very popular over the years. Are these what you remember? Yeah, that's them. I said to myself I'd come back and buy these as soon as I'd saved enough money, but, uh, well, I never got around to it. Until now. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Rita. Danny. Hi. I need you to come over. Why? Please? It's urgent. OK. Carol, sorry, I, um, have to go out for a bit. Do you want me to come with you? No, no, it's fine. Oh. OK. I might just go home and be with Barry. Good idea. As long as it's just Barry, right? Just Barry. You better have a damn good reason for dragging me here, Danny. Oh, I do, and his name is Phineas O'Driscoll. Phineas is here? Mm. Has been for hours. Bawling like a baby. So why call me? Well, I'm hardly gonna call Carol, am I? I just thought, well, you might be able to talk him round. Rita? Thank you, Lyudmila. We'll take it from here. OK. Goodbye, crybaby. Look, I'm only here because` Yeah, drop the bullshit, Phineas. I've spoken to Carol. I know what you've been up to. I've so fucked up, haven't I? I never wanted to hurt Carol. Then get off your arse and go and do something about it. Phineas, if you're so bloody sorry, then go and claim her back. Because if you don't move quick, she is gonna find comfort in the most unexpected place. Hamilton? Wherever she goes, Phineas, she could go at any point. So get a fucking move on. Yeah. (SNIFFLES) Right. I'll do it. Uh, there is the small matter of` Yeah, like fuck there is, Danny. Yeah, fair point. Fair point. It's on the house, mate. (SCOFFS) Jesus. Men are such useless sacks of shit. Steady on. No, it's true. Whenever the going gets tough, you just fall to shit. You've got no balls, no ability to just stand up and take what you want. Well, on behalf of men everywhere, I beg to differ. (SCOFFS) I'm not sure that you're the best spokesman for that, Danny. Well, maybe not. But it's a good point that you make ` I think we could all afford to live a bit more boldly, I reckon. Like the other night. That was really, um,... something. Am I right? Well, everything feels amazing when there are drugs involved. (CHUCKLES) Well, are you saying that we couldn't reach the same heights sober? I doubt it. (DOOR CLICKS) Well, then... Danny. I'm living more boldly, Rita. Now, if there's someone that you need to get home to, then fine. But if not... (PAT BENATAR'S 'LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD') # We are young. We are young. We are young. # Heartache to heartache. Heartache to heartache. # We stand. We stand. # No promises. No promises. # No demands. No demands. # Love is a battlefield. Love is a battlefield. (GROANS) # We are strong. # No one can tell we're wrong. # Searching our hearts for so long, # both of us knowing... # love is a battlefield. # (SIGHS) (KEYS JINGLE) Ted. Fuck! What are you doing here? Oh, I just dropped by to say hello. Must have nodded off. I thought I kicked you out. Yeah, you most certainly did. But, you see, uh,... I went for a drive today, down to Waihi ` that old jewellery store where I bought our rings. Ted, you need to leave. Yeah, OK. Can I just explain why`? Now, Ted. Yeah, all right, then. It's the rings... for Wolf. Night, Rita. (ROCK MUSIC) Now I positively cherish them. Look at those big, brown eyes. This is the time he won 'Baby of the Month' competition for the local Courier newspaper. 'Course, we weren't in very much doubt about it, cos he's so photogenic, eh? (CHUCKLES) I used to dread these afternoons. Now I positively cherish them. Play music. (JAUNTY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) Buckle up, Margaret. This is the future of bragging. # Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. # All right. You ready? I think so. Do you actually know how to drive? Is the Pope a Catholic? When my dad worked here, he used to tell me about a shed packed with dynamite. I'll get through the fence, and then I'll give you a signal when to come. What sort of signal? A bird call. Wait. What sort of bird? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (QUACKS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (CLANG!) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Did you bring a torch? No. It's just like Dad said. He'd always come in here at the end of a stressful day to chill out. Sparky, I think you should probably blow that match out. Sparky? (BLOWS) Can we grab what we need and go, please? (THUD!) There's someone coming! Oi! Hey! (TYRES SCREECH) (ROCK MUSIC) Did you talk to her? Barely got the chance. At least you made it in the house. Sometimes a little space puts things in perspective. It's the golden rule, boys ` don't let them suck you back in. They've already broken your hearts; don't let them break your balls as well. That's not really what I meant. I say stay away from your exes. After Ngaire went Goodbye, Pork Pie on me, I moved on, didn't I? Yeah, you really lead by example, Lefty (!) Maybe that's the answer ` maybe I should just cut women out of my life forever. I'm not sure that's achievable, Phin. Father Murphy does it. He must wank like a machine. All I have to do is avoid the temptations of the flesh for the rest of my life ` doesn't mean I'll be gay or anything. Oh. Thanks for clearing that up (!) I'm off to work. Dinner's in the oven. Do the bloody dishes this time, eh? GRAHAM BRAZIER: # It's over. It's over... Hey, Phineas. Don't mind, Phin. He's just trying not to be tempted by you. How sweet! Mm? Yeah. See ya. Hey, Bert. Theresa. So, what's this urgent meeting all about? Phineas and Carol are calling it quits. What the hell happened? Carol found out that Phineas has been sleeping with hookers. Shit. Yeah, really sorry to hear about that, mate. Thanks, mate. Means a lot. GRAHAM BRAZIER: # You ain't no friend of mine. # (SNEAKY MUSIC) Wolf. Hi. What's in the boxes? Nothing. Dynamite. It'll only be here for the night. Like fuck it will. Get it the fuck out of here, now! You need to get your head checked, Sparky. Seriously. There's only one thing for it, Phin. You're moving in here. Are you sure? Fine with me. As long as I don't have to share the couch. Oh, floor's good for me. I'm just lucky to have good mates. You heading off, Bert? Nah. He's not going anywhere. We haven't had a proper catch-up. Yeah, you're right. We haven't. You know what this is, don't you? What? A flat. No, that's definitely not what it is. It's just a group of people living under the same roof temporarily. Oh. Sounds like a flat. Damn right it's a flat. What, and that's cause for celebration? We've got our independence back, Ted. I'm gonna bring another crate in. Hey, you know how I thought Carol might have found someone else? Yeah. Do you reckon I should ask her if it's true? I'm probably the wrong person to ask, mate. But if I was you, I'd give her some space. You know, just until the dust settles. # All of my little lies, # they come shining through my... Love you, bro. Yeah, you too, mate. GRAHAM BRAZIER: # But I... I really, really, really... # Is your mum working tomorrow? I don't know. What time does she usually wake up? Early. Sparky, I know my mum can be a total bitch sometimes, but that doesn't mean I wanna blow her to smithereens. I know. That's why you're gonna hide the keys under your mattress. I'll screw with the engine as well, just in case. Then tomorrow we'll find a way to get the dynamite out of the boot of the car. That still sounds pretty dangerous. Do you have a better idea? We could come clean, tell Mum what we've done. I don't think that's a safer option. You're right ` she'd kill us. So plan A ` sink the Texas. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Morning, Theresa. Oh, hey, Ted. Sorry about the bomb site. We got a bit carried away last night. Looks like a good time. Yeah. Lefty crashed out not long ago. Thanks for the warning. He'll be at peak snoring and farting about now. I should probably tell you, Phin's moving in for a bit too. Carol found out that he's been sleeping with, well, you, you know, among others. I'll give her a wide berth. Here. I could use some company. (SIGHS) Everything all right? Just a lousy night. Usually, I'm pretty good at shutting my mind off. But some clients, they get to you. Yeah, I bet. I don't know how you do it, to be honest. What do you mean? Well, going off every night, to, you know ` it would put me off sex for life. I'm sure you'd survive, Ted. The first couple of times are a bit weird. But after that, it's just like any other job ` factory worker, locksmith, safe cracker. Except you probably make more money than I do. Probably. And I still even like sex. And what about Lefty ` how does he handle it? He doesn't mind. Are you sure? How do you think we met in the first place? Yeah, I guess I'd never really thought about that. The last thing on Lefty's radar is what I do for a living. I'm just a temp till he goes back to his wife, anyway. And you're OK with that? God, yes. Fucking isn't marriage. No. I suppose it isn't. Sometimes it's just two people who discover they want the same things at the same time. (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) And what about you, Ted? When you're not sleeping on the couch, what is it that you want? (MUSIC CONTINUES) (BIRDS CHIRP) How are we looking? Not good. What about the plan? Well, it was going well to start with. You haven't seen my car keys, have you? No. Sorry. I guess I'll just take the spares, then. See ya, girls. Shit. Please tell me she didn't start the car. Loose distributor caps. I didn't know you knew about cars. Your father's useless, isn't he, so I had to teach myself. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) (CAR ENGINE STARTS) She's going to explode. She's not gonna explode ` we just need to work out where she's gone. The Galleria, probably. If she makes it that far. Hello? Rita around? Sparky? I'll call you back. (PHONE RECEIVER DINGS) (BLUES GUITAR MUSIC) (TAP!) Carol? (MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm not doing it. But you hot-wire cars all the time. Not when it's Ngaire's, parked in the West's driveway. She'll never know it was you. I'm sorry, Sparky ` this is not behaviour befitting a best man; these are the actions of a dickhead. And also, the keys are in it. And as requested, fake payslips for the fake hours the Russian girls are putting in at the Galleria. Cheers for that. You haven't seen Bert, have you? Bert's been a bit busy lately. Why? I want him to look at my car. It wouldn't start this morning. Can't you call Lefty? The last time Lefty tried to fix my car, I had to buy a new car. I'll take it to a garage. See ya later. Bye. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) What the fuck? (ROCK MUSIC) All I know is that one minute it was out there and the next minute it was gone. I can honestly say I know nothing about this. Probably car thieves. What car thieves? You know, that gang of thieves that steals all the cars. Oh, car thieves. Oh, right little menaces they are. And quick! And you're sure that these car thieves don't include our little resident Don Juan? Fucking Romeo, the one who isn't here? Sparky? He doesn't even know how to drive. Then where is the little pervert? He's out. At the dairy. Oh, is that so? I wouldn't worry, Ngaire. We'll go have a look for these pricks. I've got a pretty good idea where they hang out. And we will get your car back, even if it's the last thing we do. No, not getting my car back will be the last thing you do. So, where do these losers hang out? Who? The car thieves. Weren't you listening? Don't be dense, Eric. Sparky stole the car. Shit. Why'd he do that? Because he's got two crates of dynamite in the boot, and he's on his way to blow up that warship in the harbour. Shitballs. Where do you think he's gone? To steal a boat. That jetty we do bombs off. There's lots of boats there. We're gonna need a car, Falani. Not Mrs Rita's. That's against my code of ethics. Oh, just fucking do it. Before Sparky blows himself up. (TENSE MUSIC) (SIGHS) Perfect, isn't she? I'm gonna call her The Chelsea. What are these rings for? They're our escape pods. Our? Yeah, one each. Sparky, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Oh, no, no, don't worry. All we gotta do is jump over the side just before impact, and then we can just float our way to shore. No. What do you mean, no? No. Just no. This is a really, really dumb idea. It's stupid. It's so stupid. And you need to stop right now. But I thought we agreed that the military-industrial complex was a global evil that needed to be violently opposed. Doesn't mean I want to blow up the US Navy. That's totally insane. And the truth is I get really seasick. And the weather looks like it's packing in. And I have my period. So? Joan of Arc didn't say, 'Don't burn me at the stake; I've got my period,' she died for what she believed in. Sparky! Sparky! Please get on The Chelsea, Chelsea. No. No way. Sparky. Get out of the boat. You stay out of this. This is between me and my girlfriend. I'm not your girlfriend. You're acting like a crazy person. And I don't want to be with a crazy person, so I'm breaking up with you. Come on, Sparky. Get out of the boat. We'll burn an American flag or something. (CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC) Fuck it. Sparky, don't be a moron! Oh, Sparky! Sparky! Sparky! Come back, man! Oi! What are you doing? Fuck! Sparky! Come back, man! Come back! ALL: Sparky! (HERBS' 'FRENCH LETTER') # No nuclear energy, no nuclear, nuclear. BOTH: Sparky! # Free, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. # No nukes. # Um... Sparky, get out of there! Sparky, jump! Argh! Help! Does he even know how to swim? I don't think so. Whoever jumps in and saves Sparky will be my best man. Wolf, I would love to assist you with this ocean rescue, but I would just add to the death toll. No, shit no! What if the boat explodes? Useless ` both of you. (ROCK MUSIC) Did you find my car? Yep. So, how come it involved two of you getting wet? Long story. And we learnt a lot about friendship along the way. Well, that's lovely news all round. And did any of whatever the hell is going on here involve my daughter? No. You don't need to worry. That situation has sorted itself out. You must be freezing. It's not that bad. I'm sorry before about being pushy about the boat and the dynamite and stuff. You had a vision. I respect that. You're a trailblazer, Sparky, with so much to offer the world. But if we were together, I'd only be slowing you down. I understand. (BOOM!) (RUMBLING) (SEAGULLS SQUAWK) These are from your father. By the look of them, he spent way too much, but there you go. You can cross that off Cheryl's bloody list. That leaves one job left. Mate, I was gonna jump in and save you, but Wolf beat me to it. Falani. Seriously? If you still want the job. More than anything. I will put my heart and soul into it. This is because of my cowardice at the jetty, isn't it? No, Eric. It's because Falani seems to really believe in marriage. Fair enough. I mean, it still hurts a little. But I'm man enough to handle it. Maybe Eric could be second best man. Is that a real thing? It could be. Sure. Why not? All right, then! Second best man. (CHUCKLES) So can I be third best man? If that works for you, Sparky, sure. Bert. Hey. I was just gonna take Barry for a walk. I won't keep you long. I just wanted to say I heard about Phineas and the hookers, and I hate to see you getting treated like that. Thanks, Bert. And I was wondering ` if you guys aren't together, then maybe we can hang out a bit more often,... maybe even keep trying for a baby. Anyway, I know you probably need some alone time. No, why don't you come in,... and we can talk... and stuff. (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) How was racist grandma? Very pleased to hear that I'm settling down with a nice boy. I think you mean white boy. Yep. Well, I can't wait till she finds out my best man is Samoan. You hear that, Mandy? Falani's gonna be the best man. I'm not rooting him! Mandy Miller! You are not rooting anybody. In! And you sorted the rings out? All taken care of, love. Jesus. Take it inside, you two. Why couldn't he have chosen someone like Phillip Schofield? I'm more of a Peter Sinclair girl, myself. Ew, gross, Mum. (CHUCKLES) No turning back. Not a chance, Mister. (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (GRUNTS) Bugger. (MUSIC CONTINUES) (ROCK MUSIC) Fuck! Fuck! What? Homicide. Someone we both know is dead, Ngaire. Who's this? Separate rooms, thanks. The boys are at the station. It's fucking murder. Hey! (ALL CLAMOUR) This is just fucking sad, man. Gonna deny it, Mr West?