CAROL: My marriage is over. (BOTH GASP) Shit! Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Phin! Phin! If you keep doing it with Bert, it will not end well. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Someone killed her. Holy shit. Jesus. So does it really matter what finger food you have at your wedding? She's even in the ground, and you're round here saying` No. I love you, Ngaire. You want to get married in Rita West's backyard? Doesn't matter where; it's the promise that counts, right? Thought I'd kicked you out. You and me, we're in it for the long haul. (BOTH GRUNT) Dad's back, I guess. Copyright Able 2018. (ROCK MUSIC) (LAUGHS) Mate! I'd like you to put on the Chewbacca outfit just on your arm. Wow. Westside, brought to you by The Rock. (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS) How're you feeling? I wanna say 'like shit', but that doesn't really cover it. Shouldn't you be gone by now? I'm really happy to stay and look after you. I'll be fine. I'm really happy to stay. (SCOFFS) Get up, you lazy slag. Piss off, dweeb. You're just scared what we might do to you. Come closer and let me chuck all over you. Gross. We're still going without you, you know. Like I care. Piker. Hope you root some guy and get herpes! Go. Can I at least give you a kiss goodnight? I still probably taste like spew. I'll risk it. Here he is! Come here, you beautiful boy. (THE EXPONENTS' KNOW YOUR OWN HEART' PLAYS) Hey, Jackie, Maureen. Here you go, ladies. Thank you. Where's mine? Somewhere in your future. So, you've met Trish's sisters before, then? Many times. They're good people. Well, I am; I can't vouch for her. Cow. So Madam's a no-show, then? Afraid so. Well, maybe we should call it off. What? No way! I spent ages organising tonight! Fuck off! I drove up from Otaki for this. Yeah, tough titty for Cheryl. Cheryl wants you to carry on. She knows how much you've been looking forward to tonight. Good. I did bloody drive all the way up here. Cheers. You know, I might give tonight a miss. Don't you dare. We're all in this together, whatever it is. You'll see. Drink. So, will Jeanette be gracing us with her presence tonight? No. Too good for us now, is she? Plus Cheryl would beat five kinds of shit out of her if she poked her nose in. Now that I would pay to see. (CHUCKLING) Good evening, ladies. Your chariot awaits, to guide you into the night, with our first best driver, Sione, at the wheel. Long time, no see. Mrs Rita. Oh, you don't wanna know, Trish. (TH' DUDES' 'ALL MY LOVERS' PLAYS) (LAUGHTER) (BURPS) (LAUGHS) You sure you're OK not drinking? Yeah. As the best man, I feel it is my duty to see my stag gets through this alive. And the best way to do this is as the sober driver. Well, it's good you're taking it seriously. I'm a serious man, Mr Ted. Shall we depart? Yeah. Drink up, lads! Time to hit the road! OK. Let Uncle Eric's Magical Mystery Tour begin! TH' DUDES: # That's the way I want all my lovers to be... After you. Yeah, you were. # That's the way I want all my lovers to be. # Let's go... Does your dad actually know what we're using his church vans for? My choir's singing at an old folks' home. Eh? You're in a choir? Being around the Wests has made me a very skilled liar. Hey, looking good there, Sparky. The ladies will not be able to resist you tonight. Really? Thank you. See? (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) # Girl, have I had ever had to answer to someone before? I think I might just go. Just get in the van, Carol. I've heard about these hen's nights. Is that so? You get a few drinks in you, throw yourself at the first bloke you see. Given your track record, shouldn't I be the one concerned about that kind of carry on? Tonight's all about the boys. Temptation shall not cross my path. Really (?) I swear. Well, better be on my best behaviour, then. You better be. We'll see. So it's into the breach we go. No worries my end. Cheryl has left organising the party to her 12-year-old bridesmaid, so we're probably going to Rainbow's bloody End. Hey, I am not 12. And the pirate ship at Rainbow's End is awesome, just so you know. I'm taking you all to a show that's gonna be so choice even you old wrinklies will get off on it. So a fun night ahoy, apparently. Enjoy. Fat chance. You look after our boy. It's a stag party, Rita ` what happens will happen. Ted, I'm serious. I'm more worried about you. A hen's party without a hen ` that shit can go anywhere. (BLUES ROCK MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) So, where are you living these days? Well, I'm not living with my wife any more, if that's what you mean. But you probably know that. Actually, I haven't been back there since you saw us. Nothing to do with me ` not my circus, not my monkeys. Mate, it's not monkeys we're talking about here. Not interested, Bert. You fucked my missus. Yeah, but I thought you were cool with it. You told Carol it was OK. Yeah, that may have been a mistake, but you're still a shit mate, right? You know that, eh? Hey, hey, come on guys. Keep moving. A river of titties awaits us. OK, good news. Good news, bad news and good news. The good news is that there's plenty of naked ladies upstairs. Yay (!) The other good news is that I have negotiated a discount on the entry fee. Get to the bad news, Eric. The bad news is that the reason they gave us a discount is cos they can't serve booze. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah, but the other good news is they do food! Yeah, I don't think I wanna eat food that's been cooked in a strip club. Nah, mate. Wait until you try the meatballs. They melt in your mouth. No. Next! What? No! Oh fuck! Maybe, you dick. Nah, we don't wanna go in there. Why not? Well there's just a slight problem in the fact that I'm still banned. What?! There was an unfortunate misunderstanding, like, a year ago. And yeah, I was wasted, but at no point did anyone ever say that it was not OK to touch the girls. So there's blame on both sides. So we can go in, but you can't? Yeah, well, I thought that the bastards might have forgotten, but apparently not. But it's OK if we go in, just not you. What? Eh? No. No, no, no. We're a team. We're a unit, united in our quest. No man left behind. Eh? You know, as tempting as it is, we can't leave Eric behind. Next! OK, now, come on, lads, and worry ye not! Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm sensing a theme. This is a joke, right? Where to next, then, Mr No Man Left Behind? Actually, I've kind of run out of venues. But at the top of Queen St, there's the Classic Cinema. The porn place? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Let's just find a place and get a bloody drink. How about over there? That's a student pub. So? They've got beer, don't they? Yeah, but it'll be full of student wankers. Lefty won me over at, 'They'll have beer'. Come on. Let's go. (ROCK MUSIC) Hey, isn't that Cheryl? I thought she was sick. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (BLUES ROCK MUSIC) Mate, what are you doing? You're driving the wrong way down a one-way street. Didn't you see the arrow? Oh, you're kidding me. Well it's not Rainbow's End, is it? I hope you're all looking forward to a magical journey this evening. Which actually reminds me ` this morning I found a lion in my wardrobe, and I asked him what he was doing, and he said, 'Narnia business.' Show us your cock! Mandy! Look, if you'd come on time, you'd actually know that I'm just the warm-up act. Yeah, well, show us your cock anyway! Mandy! Let the man do his jokes. But he's shit. I thought it was quite funny. I used to love the Narnia books when I was a little girl. Life was so much easier then. STUDENTS: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! (CHEERING) Ziggy, Ziggy, Ziggy! STUDENTS: Oi, oi, oi! Oh, dear God in heaven. I've seen this shit before ` a varsity pub crawl. And these are New Zealand's best and brightest? We're so fucked. Too bad. Beer's beer. Good on ya, Phin. Get the first round in, eh? Don't worry, my friend. Cheryl would never be out crawling with University students. I mean, does she even know anyone who goes to University? It wasn't Cheryl. She sure looked a fuck of a lot like Cheryl. It wasn't her. Man, I'll tell you what ` it's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take things literally. Oh, shut up and get your gears off! Mandy! Look. lady, you don't wanna see me naked. Trust me ` I have a very small penis. We'll be the judge of that! Come on! Let's see it! Yeah! Show us your cock! ALL: Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Thank you. You've been a terrible audience. (CHEERING) So, what is it with you anyway, sitting there with a face like a twisted sandshoe? Phineas caught me rooting Bert. I'm sorry? Bert Thompson? And he didn't kill the both of you? It was before Theresa's funeral. He's gone to his quiet place. I mean, you saw him today, right? Quiet. Quiet isn't good when it comes to Phineas. WHISPERS: So, are you still rooting Bert? He's disappeared on me. I think I may have made a huge mistake. You think so, Carol (?) OK, ladies, are you ready? (CHEERING) All the way from Australia, The Boys In Blue! (CHEERING) Now please welcome to the stage your host, Mike Magnum! (CHEERING) Tell me ladies of Auckland, New Zealand, are you ready to feel the long arm of the law? Oh my God. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Is that McCarthy? Let's take a look at you, eh? Let's see if we've got any law-breakers in the house tonight that might need to be singled out for some special punishment. No, no, no. (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah, I am seeing a lot of bad, bad ladies in the house tonight. Oh, yeah, I'm... (CHEERING) Fuck me dead. Please welcome to the stage Queensland's finest, The Boys In Blue. (CHEERING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (CHEERING) Well, this evening just got a whole lot more interesting. (CHEERING) (ROCK MUSIC) NIGELLA LAWSON: Whittaker's have always believed that best is better, and now Andrew and Brian have made a luscious new caramel filling. It's creamier, more buttery and velvety. Mmm. Better in every way. Ziggy, Ziggy, Ziggy! ALL: Oi, oi, oi! Marriage, it's a tricky one, kiddo. And I'll be the first to admit for years I struggled to keep it in my pants. Guilty as charged, Your Honour. But we're back now and stronger than ever. Keep telling yourself that. Wolf might be as faithful as Tonto, but to me, it looks like Cheryl's out riding the range. What the fuck? No, it's OK, Dad. No, it bloody well is not. That's not Cheryl. No, it's not. Are you sure? Anne-Marie! Little brother! What the fuck are you doing here? Oh, we're here for Wolf's stag do. Fuck me. Is that little Wolfgang West all grown up? Hey, Anne-Marie. So I guess congratulations are in order, then? Yeah. You wanna buy me a drink? Sure. Ziggy, Ziggy, Ziggy! ALL: Oi, oi, oi! Running into your ex on your stag do, one last night of freedom. Your son certainly has a type, doesn't he? I hope that the future Mrs Falani looks at me the way that girl is now looking at Wolf. I'd crawl 10ft over broken glass just to watch her piss in a baked bean can. Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all his carpenter mates, there is something seriously wrong with you, Eric. (CHEERING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (CHEERING) Right. The boys are off to take down some particulars, so refresh your drinks, get ready for the second half. I do have to warn you, it involves handcuffs. Come on, you heard the man ` time to top up our drinks. Actually, I'm off to the loo. Me too. I'm gonna take my knickers off so I can throw them on stage. You will do no such... You're gonna talk to him, aren't you? No, I'm not. Well, I wanna talk to him, give him a bollocking for stealing from us. The money that I stole back, which is exactly why we don't want to talk to him, all right? I swear, if they do that stupid thing one more time, we're fucking out of here. Ziggy, Ziggy, Ziggy! ALL: Oi, oi, oi! And there it is. Drink up, lads. So, how long you been in Auckland, blondie? About seven months. Mm. Seven months. Why didn't you come and visit me? I'm still at the same place you left me. Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be sticking around so long. I'm on my way to Aussie. Australia, eh? Yeah, I'm off to Sydney at the end of next week. That's why I'm out tonight, making the most of my time left, taking every opportunity. Bye, Grandad! (LAUGHTER) Who are you calling Grandad? You, old man. ALL: Ooh! I'm not old. Don't be rude to my friend. You need to apologise, mate. Hey, leave him. He's mine. What? I can give him just as good a hiding as you can. He'll be eating hospital food for a month once I'm done with him. When I'm done, he won't be eating at all. He'll be drinking shit through a tube cos he'll have a broken jaw and no fucking teeth! Well, I won't just break his jaw ` I'll kick his balls through the roof of his fucking mouth! I'll kick them into his fucking brains! Guys, guys. What? I think the kid's pissed himself. Fuck's sakes. Sorry about that, son! Come on. All right, we're out of here. Do you wanna come with us? What? No! That is unacceptable. No girls on stag dos. Unless they're the kind of girls that take their clothes off. Are you that kind of girl? You're a charmer, Eric (!) But he's got a point ` a stag party's no place for a lady. It was good to see you guys again. And I'll send you my address when I get to Oz. You can come visit me. That'd be ace. Yeah. Yeah, not a chance, Eric. OK. Bye, Falani. Goodbye and good luck, Anne-Marie. See ya. See ya. Be happy, OK? You too. Quick question ` is there a back way out of this place? Go on. You know you want to. I don't want to talk to Mike. Fuck him. Well, that would be Carol's chosen option. Sometimes you're very cruel, Rita. (CHUCKLES) You think you're so much better than everyone else ` the way you treat your friends, the way you treat everyone. Well, this is very rich coming from the woman who thinks we're all criminal scum. You hate the idea that our two families are being joined, so why are you going along with all this? Because it's not all about me. Trish, my boy, for whatever bloody reason, thinks that he is in love with your daughter. At best, they're gonna be happy for a couple of years. Then the shine will fade, Wolf will get tired of digging the same hole, he'll shag around, and he'll move on to someone else. Or end up in jail. Like your husband? I know, Trish ` I know that he's doing time. And you see, that's the difference between us and you ` we're not afraid of the truth. Actually, Dave isn't in jail. He got out months ago. Oh. So where is he, then? He's in Oz. Shacked up with his former prison officer. Gone queer, has he? No. The bitch prison officer is a she. They can be women, you know. I know first-hand that marriage isn't a fairy tale, because mine's a bloody horror story. You may not hold out any hope for them, but honestly, I'm praying that my daughter doesn't turn out like me, but I'm not holding my breath. (SYNTH POP MUSIC PLAYS) I have to go. It is a horror show in there, Sione. I guess it could be fun, all the bums and posing pouches, but sometimes you're just not in the mood for a big, fat cock to be waved in your face, you know? Can I be honest with you? Because I need to talk to someone, anyone, before my head explodes. I feel so terrible because my husband recently walked in on me having sex with one of his friends. I've lost the men I love... because I behaved like a slut, such a dirty, dirty slut. What do you think I should do? I need to go home and sober up. Will you drive me? Well, this is turning out well (!) There's no sign of him. And her? Or her. I have failed in my task to have the back of my stag. Also, I stood in spew. Oh, I think Wolf's well happy with the way things have panned out. I know this flat, where there's a party, if you're interested. That sounds great. So does that mean we call it a night? (LAUGHS) Fuck no. If the hens can have a party without the hen, we can do the same. But no more of your shit ideas, Eric. Bilkey, you're no stranger to the nightlife in this town. What do you reckon? Well, there is this new club up in Parnell could be worth a go. One of your clubs or one of our clubs? (LAUGHS) You'll be in your element, Lefty. Right. To Parnell it is, God help us. Falani, grab the van, eh. Do you ever wonder what might've happened if you hadn't taken off to Dunedin? Maybe there's a universe where I never left, a universe where you didn't get Desiree Munroe up the duff two seconds after I did. Maybe there's a universe where you and I had a kid. Fuck off. I'm never having kids. Cheryl and I had one, but it didn't... You know. I do know. Sparky wrote to me and told me all about it. My brother's letters are like blimming novels. I'm really sorry about your kid. (BOTH SMOOCH) Why did you leave, again? Because of you. I don't remember doing anything wrong. You did everything right. You were perfect, Wolfgang West. I felt like we hit the jackpot on our first spin, you know? That's why I didn't tell Sparky I was back in town ` I didn't wanna run the risk of seeing you. You were the one that I let get away. Well, I'm not taken just yet. (ROCK MUSIC) Look at this line. And there's a fucking cover charge. Yeah, but only for the blokes. That's sexism. First rule of clubbing, boys ` lots of pretty ladies equals lots of blokes willing to pay on the off chance they'll get their end away. Just as well we're not those sorts of blokes, then, eh, Ted? Yeah, keep telling yourself that Lefty ` maybe it'll come true. So are we going in or what? I want a drink. Yeah, me too. I'm thirsty as. No, no, no, this club isn't for us. Full of wankers. Come on. Oi! Us? Boss says OK. Does this mean we're the wankers now? You still pay. Oh. Right. It's OK, lads ` I've got this. Sorry. Club's full. I just gave her my money! Just go. What kind of fucking fucked-up club is this? You want to know what kind of club this is, Ted fucking West? This is Dario's club. Yeah, I own this. All this, I own. What was that you were saying about wankers, Ted? Fuck you, One Ball. I'm the nightclub king now. I did all this on my own. Self-made. I own this whole fucking building. I'm really happy for you. You should be. I have the penthouse at the top of all this. Fucking penthouse. Fucking thrilled for ya. But the joke's over, Dario, so just give me my money back, and we'll be on our way. The joke's on you, Ted fucking West. I take your money like you took my money and your wife set me up for crime I did not commit. This would be the crime that we did together? The one where you betray me. Yeah, because you tried to rip us off. You say any story you want ` you still not coming in my club. (CHUCKLES) You know what? I think I'm OK with that, Dario. Have a nice life. I'll have a better life than you, cos I'm fucking rich! Yep, but you're still a cock, though, Dario. I think we can all agree that this is without doubt the shittiest stag do of all time. Plus I really need a piss. Yeah, me too. Fancy pissing on Dario's building, for old times' sake? It'd be rude not to. We should've guessed, eh? Club Zagreb ` isn't that the capital of Dali-land or Poland or whatever? (URINE SPLASHES) Ted. You think we should check it out? What if it leads to Dario's fancy bloody penthouse? Hey, Falani, be a good sober driver and keep watch, eh? Come here, boys. Let's see what we can find, eh? Come on, Dario! (LAUGHS) (ROCK MUSIC) Hey, the drinks are on me, boys! Jesus Christ! All right, boys, I think Dario would want us to make ourselves feel right at home. Agreed? ALL: Yeah! Talk to him. No. I wanna know how the hell he ended up in this shit job. If bloody Carol hadn't disappeared with the van, I'd be long gone, so the sooner this nightmare is over, the better. OK. Well, I'll talk to him for you, then. Don't you fucking dare. OK, ladies, I'm getting reports that things are getting a little out of hand out there, so must be time to send in the riot squad. Oh, go on, Mike ` get your gears off! Show us that magnum of yours! Bloody hell, Rita. He's old and chubby. Oh, nah, he's a stud. Aren't you, Mike? A real ladykiller! I didn't wanna come back to fucking New Zealand for this very fucking reason, but I needed the money. I mean, why else would I be in this shit job? I needed the money because someone stole all mine. Well, what goes around comes around, eh? Then I figured what are the chances? What are the chances they'll be here? Of course, when you're down, that's when fate takes a big old shit right in your lap. Isn't that always the case? Enough with the sob story. Get your gears off! Off, off! CROWD: Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Yeah, all right. All right. OK. Righto. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up! (LAUGHTER) (FEEDBACK WHINES) Boo! You want me to lay myself bare? Is that what you want? (CHEERING) Yes! Normally, I don't get paid nearly enough to get my gears off, but it seems that some of you wanna see me make a fool of myself, so why the fuck not? I'm at the bottom anyway. Hey, Kev, play that song I taped for you. (FEEDBACK WHINES) (CHEERING) This is for my ex. (CHEERING) Because, babe, everything I did, I did it for you. (CHEERING) # Come on and do the blue beat. (CHEERING) # Cos that's the dance to do. (CHEERING) # Come on and do the blue beat, blue beat, # and you'll never be blue. Whoa. (LAUGHTER) # My baby does the blue beat. (CHEERING) # I learned to do it too. (CHEERING) # Come on and do the blue beat, blue beat, # and you'll never be blue. Whoa. (CHEERING) # A-chick, a-chick, a-chick a-chick, a-chang, chang. (CHEERING) # A-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chang, chang. (CHEERING) # A-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chang, chang. # Do the blue beat too. Whoa. (CHEERING) Oh my God. He is magnificent. (CHEERING) (CHEERING) # We do it in the morning... (CHEERING) # ...and in the night-time too. (CHEERING) # Come and do the blue beat, blue beat, # and you'll never be blue. Whoa. (CHEERING) # It gets into your blood, now,... (CHEERING) # ...and makes you really swing. (CHEERING) # Come on and do the blue beat, blue beat. (CHEERING) # Keep on your toes and sing. Everybody now. (CHEERING) # A-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chang, chang. (CHEERING) # A-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chang, chang. # A-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chick, a-chang, chang. (APPLAUSE) # Do the blue beat too. Whoa. # (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (ROCK MUSIC) You wouldn't bloody read about it. For the first time in his life, Dario wasn't full of shit. Hey, make sure Falani gets a drink, eh. Yeah, you got it, boss. Hey, you want another drink? I don't want nothing from you. OK, be like that. Well, what about you? You want another drink? Yeah, sure. Fuck you. You've got my missus. Thanks, Sione. I'm good from here. And thanks for listening. (ENGINE REVS) Brian? Carol. Sorry ` I was just writing you a note. I was in the park, and I found a familiar canine running around without his owner. Barry? Barry got out? Shit, he must've got out under the fence again. Oh my God. It's OK. He's safe. I tied him up out back. Oh, Barry. No, it's fine. He had a big run around with Sheba, the two of them loved it, and he was tuckered out by the time he got back. Got dog doos on my shoes ` sorry, you can probably smell that ` but like I said, it's fine. No, Brian, it's not fine. He could've been run over. Or dog-napped, dog-napped and used in a dog-fighting ring. No, Barry's not the kind of dog they use in dog-fighting. Maybe as bait, as training for... (SOBS) No. No. How insensitive of me! I'm sorry. Just ignore me. I don't know what` No, Brian, it's not that. I just realised... that this is the universe telling me... I am never gonna have children. (SOBS) That's a bit of a leap. I wouldn't be able to look after a child. I can't even look after a bloody dog! (SOBS) Hey, I think you'd make a great mum. You're so caring, always looking out for everyone. There you go. Is there alcohol in it? No. I suspect that there is. OK, well, there's some. What bit of 'sober driver' don't you understand? Hey. Hey. Me and my friends are just wondering something. And what would that be? Is this, like, the private entrance to the VIP room? Yes. Yes, it is. Cool. Mmm, very cool. Hey, girls! Come on. Up you go, then. Mind your step! (GIRLS GIGGLE AND CHEER) This way, ladies. Up you come. Careful. Careful. Don't be shy. Here we go. Heads-up. What's this? This is the penthouse. (BASSY DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) Hello-a, ladies. I am-a Dario. (LAUGHS) Welcome-a to my club, which is also my house. ITALIAN ACCENT: So everything is on the house! (CHEERING) Oh, I didn't realise Dario was Italian, with a terrible Italian accent. Now, this is a party. Happily married man, Dario? A little eye candy never hurt anyone, Ted-io. ITALIAN ACCENT: OK. Now, where was I? I want to dance with all of you equally. (LAUGHS) (BASSY MUSIC PLAYS, MUFFLED CONVERSATIONS) (KNOCKS) You're not allowed back here. That's what the bouncer said, but I told him to fuck off. I could say the same thing to you. You could, but... I don't think you will. I'm here to apologise, for everything. Too late, Ngaire. No, I need to tell you this. And not to make myself feel better, but because you deserve to hear it. I'm sorry I put you up on a pedestal. I mean, that's what happens when you raise someone up ` I was setting you up for a fall` You put me on a pedestal? Other way round ` I put you up there! I meant it when I said everything I did, I did it for you. (BASSY MUSIC PLAYS, MUFFLED CONVERSATIONS) When I looked at you, I didn't see what they saw. Instead you were this good, decent man. You were perfect, and when I found out you weren't, it brought me crashing back to reality. All the crap you let Lefty get away with all those years. I make one dodgy call. You betrayed everything you stood for. Yeah, for you! To keep you! But no, instead I'm out on my ear. Why couldn't you give me as many chances as you gave your scumbag ex-husband? Lefty's not my ex-husband. What? (SCOFFS) You've gone back to him, back to that sack of shit? I know. I hear the words coming out of my mouth, and I think I sound like an idiot. Well, we can agree on that at least. But Lefty and me,... we belong together. And not because of our history and not because of the kids, but because we keep coming back to each other. We keep forgiving past mistakes. We can't escape the fact that maybe him and me are really meant for each other. You know I'm a better man than he'll ever be. I do know that. Believe me, I know. (SNIFFLES) (POIGNANT MUSIC) I hear they don't put beetroot in burgers in Oz. So it's a definite, then? Mm-hm. I've got it all planned out. I'm gonna meet a rich league player, and we're gonna live happily ever after, with no children and heaps of money. Living the dream. But really, a league player? You can take the girl out of the west, but you can't take the west out of the girl. I'd always thought you'd end up with some punk-rock singer. I'm over musicians. They're insecure, and all they do is talk about their stupid gear. So boring. Sparky's into his electronics. Electronics and burning things. Thanks for keeping an eye on him, by the way. I did feel bad for leaving. But every time I looked at him, I saw Dad. He's gonna look just like him when he grows up. (SIGHS) I'm really sorry about what happened to your dad. Shit happens. (CHEERING) So, what do we do if Dario arrives? The real Dario, not the happily married dancing one. Yeah, well, Phin and Bert have been itching for a fight all night. God knows what the hell's going on there. Phineas found out Bert and Carol are ` affair isn't really the right word ` fucking. What? Yeah. Rita swore me to secrecy, but these things never stay secret, do they, so what's the point? Jesus. How the hell is Bert still above ground? Hey, check these puppies out! I found them under Dario's bed. They're wild, eh? Maybe this is how they sort their shit out where the Dalmatians come from. No, don't even think about it, you two. Yeah, really lousy timing, Eric. I dunno, Ted. Going old school's probably the best way for me and Phin to sort this. Yeah. No! No! Maybe it is. Guys, don't be stupid. There are other ways of sorting this out. All you guys are gonna do right now is just blow each other's heads off. True. Do it like in the movies. One. No, that's not what I meant, Bert! Two. Oh, for fuck's sake. Three. About far enough, don't you reckon, Phineas? Works for me. Ted, stand in-between them! What? You fucking stand in-between them! OK, this has gone far enough. You two dickheads aren't really gonna shoot each other. (CHUCKLES) 'Course not, mate. It's not even loaded. (GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) Jesus, Bert! You fucking idiot! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't even mean it ` I swear. I mean, which idiot leaves a loaded gun lying around! Phineas? (GROANS) Argh! What the fuck? Here, let me look. Argh. It's all right. He's grazed his ear. You shot my fucking ear! And I'm so sorry, mate. I fucking nearly killed my best mate. What? I'm your best mate? Yeah, that's what makes this so much worse, you know ` you, me, Carol. I'm your best mate? Oi, Ted, can you see what I can see? Oh, Dario, you really are the gift that just keeps on giving. (LAUGHTER) (ROCK MUSIC) Go on, son ` see what you can do. Are you sure, Mr Ted? Just remember everything I taught you. I'm sorry I let it get this far, mate. You were right, though ` I did give her permission. Still, you know, I should've asked. Fuck it. If it was gonna be anyone, I'm glad it was you. Provided you do love her and it's not just a root. Nah, nah, Phin, I'm pretty sure I do love her. But she hasn't spoken to me since,... well, you know, shit got weird, real weird. We need to go and see Carol, right now, so I can give her my blessing to be with you. Then you two can get married. (CHEERING) I've decided. What? Well, if you can't partake, then neither can I. Fair's fair. I was never going to partake. Cos Rita would cut your balls off. (CHUCKLES) No, just not that interested. Yeah, I kind of feel like mine have been cut off already. The other one, I mean. Are we doing the right thing, Ted? What, by being faithful to our wives? I think so, Lefty (!) I do kind of miss the thrill` Let's just have a drink, eh? To Theresa. Yeah good call. To Theresa. May she rest in peace. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) I did it! Oh, good lad. There's only this. I'll be taking that, Sober Driver. (LAUGHTER) (SHRIEKING) (CHEERING) (LAUGHS) So, what's she like, this woman that's finally making an honest man out of Wolfgang West? Beautiful, feisty as hell, doesn't take shit from anyone. The whole package, eh? Well, she's a lot like you, in many ways. We're here. I thought you said there was a party. There could be if you wanna come inside. (POIGNANT MUSIC) Oi! I've got something to say to you, you thieving prick! (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, LAUGHTER) You're a lot better dancing on stage than you are dancing around the law. From you, Rita, that means a lot. I get free drinks ` would you ladies like a round? Oh, yes, we'd love that. So, Magnum, how'd you get into this business? Well, I started out as a real cop in Queensland. But it turns out the Aussie cops, well, they don't like the New Zealand cops so much. So I chucked it in, took a job as security for the dancers. You know, it's not my usual gig, but the pay was good. Then one night, the MC was sick, so I filled in. Turns out I was a natural, audience loved me, and here I am. Mike McCarthy lands in roses, comes up smelling like shit. That's enough, Rita. I thought you were great, Mike. Me too. Me three. Always a pleasure, ladies. Now, what are you drinking? I appreciate the offer, Mike, but I think we'll call it a night. Ngaire? It was good to see you, Mike. Oh, I need to stay, to protect my daughter's virtue, such as it is. Nothing to worry about there. The lads are good guys, but they're as camp as a row of pink tents. Well in that case, I'll have an Asti Spumante. Score one for Magnum. This feels good, right? One mate passing his missus on to another mate. We all get to stay mates. Oh, yeah, best of all worlds. Just one thing, bro ` if we have a baby, we're gonna call it Phineas. But not if it's a girl, eh. Yeah, yeah, 'course not. (CHUCKLES) Are those yours, mate? Nah. Nah, she wouldn't. Come on. Phin. (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) When did that guy appear on the scene? No fucking idea. Right. I'm going in there to punch his lights. No one steals my wife off my best mate. No, no. Wait, Phin. You opened this door. You said she could find someone, a daddy for her baby. (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (SIGHS) Let's go find a pub and get pissed. (BASSY DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) What the fuck? It's a nice place you've got there, Dario. We left you a present, mate. Fuckin love you, Dario. Gold pumping through my veins! (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Ted fucking West. (CHEERING) You know, all in all, I feel good about tonight. What, that you managed to keep your dick in your pants? There was some serious temptation out there. You saw. You're a saint, Lefty (!) Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. Nice dress, Lefty (!) Mum home yet? If she was, I think she'd be sitting here, wondering why you weren't with us, don't you? What's that thing they say about what goes on tour stays on tour? (CHUCKLES) You dirty dog. Nothing happened, Lefty. Are we sure about that? You got him home safe. Well done. Yeah, it was a struggle, I tell you. It's like women can sense when a bloke's about to get married. It's like catnip to them, it is. Oh, nah. I don't think so. I'm going to Australia. No one would ever know. (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) I'm gonna regret this, aren't I? See you in another universe, Wolfgang West. Absolutely nothing happened. Good. Sorry if that disappoints (!) I'll see you all in the morning. So, how was your night? Phineas got shot in the ear. Of course. You? Mike McCarthy did a strip for us. Good. So, who would like grilled cheese on toast? (ICE CLINKS) How was it? Yeah, OK. Sorry ` I didn't mean to wake you. I was awake. So, they didn't chain you up anywhere? Nah. It was all pretty quiet. That doesn't sound like that lot. What's this? That, Wolf,... is a home pregnancy test kit. I got it a couple of days ago when I started to wonder. Finally built up the courage to actually do it. It's a fucking useless thing to use ` there's piss all over the carpet ` but as far as I can tell, I'm pregnant. Well, I guess that explains the chucking and everything. With Helena I felt great, top of the world every day, but this time,... like something you'd scrape off the sole of your shoe. (TUTS) I don't think I'm ready, Wolf. You're just feeling sick and stuff. No, I don't think I'm ready to go through this again. I don't think I want this baby. (POIGNANT MUSIC) One of the reasons we're getting married is for our kids, right? (SIGHS) Please, can we just not talk about babies? Put your bloody suit on. I need to know why you and Falani were in the toilet. Your wife is a magnificent creature. Why is Danny Peters here? Don't punch him, Ted. I'm gonna fucking kill him. No! Come and get some. Gidday, Rita. ALL: Fight, fight, fight, fight! (LAUGHS) I'll go tell her it's OK to start, shall I?