What did you mean about the Titans? What did you mean about the Titans? Nothing. Shit. That's what this Child Services crap is all about. You want to take my son. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. You want to take him to Oz. Sonny Bill can only have one passport. Well, they can't take him anywhere without it. Well, they can't take him anywhere without it. You're a genius. Well, they can't take him anywhere without it. Oh! Yep, it just arrived. Now let them try and take him out of the country. You know the last time I was happy? When I went biking with Richard. Have you thought about contacting Richard? The company makes it worthwhile. I know this is crazy, and it might completely freak you out, but I love you. Well, that's not crazy at all, cos I love you too. # The stars came out once the lights went out, and I could not speak, so I had to shout. # And then the moon passed sadly by. # (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Hey, Bri. Thanks for this. Happy to have my boy any time. But aren't you worried I might be a danger to him (?) (SIGHS) Look, I'm really glad that's all sorted, eh. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, I bet. I knew that you'd never do anything to hurt Sonny Bill. Yeah, I bet. with Talia, so... with Talia, so... Oh. Oh. Hi. Oh. Hi. Hi, Courtney. Oh. Hi. Oh. Hi. Aw, your girl! and gorgeous. I... Anyway, Bri, um, are you good to have him till tomorrow? I... Anyway, Bri, um, are you good to have him till tomorrow? Yeah, for sure. I... Anyway, Bri, um, are you good to have him till tomorrow? Oh, totes. Thanks again for this... so much. Laters, bubba. (MURMURS) She's changed her tune. She's changed her tune. Mm, it could be a good thing. Yeah. Hey, uh, could you handle the little guy? I mean, just for today? Sure. Sure. Cheers. BLUESY GUITAR MUSIC RHYTHMIC CREAKING HEAVY GRUNTING MAN: Yes! Drinks break! (SIGHS) MUSIC CONTINUES Hey. Hey. Hey. Thanks for getting the table. Thanks for getting the table. Sure. You OK? You OK? What? You OK? You OK? You OK? You OK? Yes, sorry. I'm just... intrigued. You OK? Yes, sorry. I'm just... intrigued. Greetings, Sexy Sticks. You OK? Yes, sorry. I'm just... intrigued. Hey. Hey. Hope you don't mind. Hey. Hope you don't mind. More, the merrier. < (CHUCKLES) < (CHUCKLES) Can I get anyone a drink? No, we're good, mate. No, we're good, mate. Yeah, the usual, thanks, honey. Amber Jane. Amber Jane. Hey. Oh my goodness. Ugh. Ugh. I have gossip. Sweetie, it's not actually gossip until you tell someone else. Sweetie, it's not actually gossip until you tell someone else. Yes, right. Sweetie, it's not actually gossip until you tell someone else. Hi. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hey. What are we bonussing? We're sharing. You were saying? Hey. We're sharing. You were saying? We're sharing. You were saying? I saw the Quizmaster and Amber Jane in his van. And? And? It's possible they were... In his van?! In his van?! I think so. In his van?! don't come knocking. If it's rocking, don't come knocking. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) That is excellent gossip. Well done, you. (CHUCKLES) Don't be so obvious. Don't be so obvious. Thanks, honey. Oh, I brought my secret weapon. Don't be so obvious. Uh, I dunno about that. Can I get you guys a drink? Oh, um, yeah, just a soda and lime, thanks. An ale, ta. Though I might need something stronger after what I walked in on today. Brian... Brian... Uh, hello? 0800 GOSSIP. So, I had some good news, right? The geniuses at Child Services decided I'm not a kiddie-basher after all. ALL: Oh. ALL: Oh. That's great news. ALL: Oh. That's great news. Courtney even brought the boy over. So what's the problem? That's great news. So what's the problem? OK, so I nip out to finish a job, and when I get back... ROCK MUSIC < Hello. < Hello. Hey. What are you doing here? Hi. She was dropping off some baby things, which was very kind. Or she was putting a curse on Maggie and Sonny Bill. I know you don't like her, but` I know you don't like her, but` But don't forget she was a complete bitch to Mac. She does have her good points. She does have her good points. Ugh. I know you don't like her, but` Ugh. Yeah, from behind, maybe. She does have her good points. Ugh. Yeah, from behind, maybe. There's a Japanese word for that. A woman who's attractive from behind` There's a Japanese word for that. A woman who's attractive from behind` So horrible. Cheers. Anyway, I got two babies tucked up at home with the lesbo. Not literally. Nicky's babysitting. Nicky's babysitting. QUIZMASTER: OK, folks. Time for the first round of the evening ` Nicky's babysitting. I'm a bit nervous. I'm a bit nervous. Oh, take it at your own pace. You'll be fine. I'm a bit nervous. species pretends there's a lion nearby Question one ` the male of which species pretends there's a lion nearby if they're worried about losing the interest of a female? Has to be an African animal. Has to be an African animal. Buffalo? Has to be an African animal. Buffalo? Actually, it's the topi antelope. QUIZMASTER: Which male animal pretends...? QUIZMASTER: Which male animal pretends...? I like the documentary channel. QUIZMASTER: Which male animal pretends...? And we like you. And finally, it's the cuttlefish that can change the markings on one side of its body to fool other males. Marcus, you got that one wrong. Marcus, you got that one wrong. That tricky little cuttlefish, eh? That's amazing. Marcus, you got that one wrong. That's amazing. The cuttlefish is something of a mystery. That's amazing. Em's usually the bomb on the animal kingdom. Em's usually the bomb on the animal kingdom. I got some of them! Most of them. on the animal kingdom. Most of them. QUIZMASTER: And, after round one, several teams are on six, Most of them. but it's Sex on a Stick with a perfect score of 10. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! We should have bonussed it. Whoo-hoo! We should have bonussed it. It's time for round two ` Hot Stuff. Cooking. Em again. We should have bonussed it. Cooking. Em again. Cooking. Em again. Question one ` how is the heat of chillies measured? Oh, it's, um, the` the something heat scale. Scooby? Oh, it's, um, the` the something heat scale. Scooby? Scoville. S-C-O-V-I-L-L-E. I love this guy. I love this guy. Hands off. He's mine. He's bloody good, Richard. He's bloody good, Richard. Mm, not bad. He's bloody good, Richard. Hey, you think it's gonna last? Hey, you think it's gonna last? Michelle and Richard? I hope so. Yeah, me too. We'll be a shoo-in for the finals. Evening, gentlemen. Keep going like this, and we are gonna cane those finals. You're not winning tonight, mate. You're not winning tonight, mate. Still got a bonus and my secret weapon. (SCOFFS) Is that what you call it? (SCOFFS) Is that what you call it? (LAUGHS) (SCOFFS) Is that what you call it? (LAUGHS) < AJ, of course. (SCOFFS) Is that what you call it? We were wondering if you two were going out. Yep, and the rest. (SIGHS) She's a special lady, all right. She'd have to be. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) And tonight I've got something special in mind ` real special. Threesome with the Quizmaster? Threesome with the Quizmaster? (CHUCKLES) QUIZMASTER: Question nine ` the Great Plague of London killed 100,000 people. What is so special? What is so special? I've got no idea. What is so special? I've got no idea. Hi, guys. Hi, Mac. Hi there. Hi there. I've organised a portfolio shoot for Celeste, but she was worried about asking you, because it's a school day. but she was worried about asking you, because it's a school day. Oh, I see. but she was worried about asking It's a fantastic opportunity. I'll be there to hold her hand. I suppose... I suppose... Great! You're such a cool mum. I suppose... Great! You're such a cool mum. Thanks. Honestly, I am torn between admiring her confidence and... ...wanting to bitch-slap her. ...wanting to bitch-slap her. Yes, that. You don't think he's slipping her the answers, do you? Shit, he is. Shit, he is. He wouldn't. Maybe it's his number. I had no idea pub quiz was such a hotbed of intrigue. I had no idea pub quiz was such a hotbed of intrigue. (CHUCKLES) I had no idea pub quiz was such a hotbed of intrigue. it's The Dog Ate My Homework. TEAM: Yeah! Whoo! In second place, on 88, it's the Marathon Men. Well, if they cheated, it didn't work. Well, if they cheated, it didn't work. Bob wouldn't cheat! Don't call him that. it didn't work. Don't call him that. Don't call him that. ...respectable 92,... it's Sex on a Stick! ALL CHEER And what about the jackpot? And what about the jackpot? Uh, I was just getting to that. (CHUCKLES) Mixing it up a little. And what about the jackpot? Ladies and gentlemen, the jackpot answers are ` the winner of the Oscar for Best Actor in 1981... was Henry Fonda for On Golden Pond. was Henry Fonda for On Golden Pond. ALL GROAN was Henry Fonda for On Golden Pond. Damn. Damn. Buckminsterfullerene has 60 carbon atoms. Damn. Yes. is the Muscovy Duck. is the Muscovy Duck. MARATHON MAN CHEER is the Muscovy Duck. MARATHON MAN CHEER I would dispute that. is the Muscovy Duck. ALL: # Maaa-rathon... # Marathon Men! Yes, folks, we have a winner ` the very tasty $250 bar tab goes... Yes, folks, we have a winner ` the very tasty $250 bar tab goes... He did give them the answers. OK, we don't know that. the very tasty $250 bar tab goes... OK, we don't know that. OK, we don't know that. But he must've. OK, we don't know that. But he must've. Excuse me. Uh, hello, everyone. I just, um, wanna say something. Something's happening. Something's happening. The only reason we won this jackpot was because... You cheated? You cheated? ...of an incredible woman. She's got the beauty, the brains, the bod and amazing general knowledge. That's right, I'm talking about the best thing that's ever happened to me ` Miss AJ. Aaamber Jaaane! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (SIGHS) I'm so happy that you came into my life. In fact, the only thing that would make me happier would be if... CROWD MURMURS Oh my God. He isn't. POIGNANT MUSIC Amber Jane, would you do me the honour of being my wife? Yes! Yes, I will! Aah! CROWD CHEERS, CLAPS Poor Corey. Poor Corey. Oh, come on. He had it coming. Poor Corey. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS (GROANS) Shit. Is it Nicky? Is it Nicky? (SIGHS) It's Courtney. I'd better deal with this. Is it Nicky? I got a call from Internal Affairs this afternoon. They reckon Sonny Bill's already got a passport. They reckon Sonny Bill's already got a passport. Yeah, I got him one... ages ago. Well, where is it? Well, where is it? Somewhere safe. Can I have it? Well, where is it? Can I have it? Can I have it? What for? Can I have it? What for? In case we wanna go somewhere. Can I have it? What for? and you thought you could move there with Sonny Bill and not tell me. and you thought you could move there with Sonny Bill and not tell me. I was gonna talk to you about it. You are not taking my son to Oz. with Sonny Bill and not tell me. You are not taking my son to Oz. You are not taking my son to Oz. Shit, Brian, can we at least talk about this? Bugger off! You're not stealing my son. Do you get that? Bugger off! You're not stealing my son. Do you get that? He is my son. Bugger off! You're not stealing my son. Do you get that? He's mine too, you cow. Bitch. 35, 40, 45? Hard to tell. Is it her DNA or Olay? Olay analysed 20,000 female genomic samples. We discovered that almost 10% of women naturally look younger than their age. Inspired by this we created Olay Regenerist, re-engineered with amino peptide complex, now boosted with carob fruit extract. Renews and plumps skin. Restores firmness. Reduces wrinkles. DNA or Olay? Your skin will never tell. (CRIES) (CRIES) She can't do this to me, no way. I've got him, and I don't have to give him back. Isn't that right, mate? Aw. OK. OK. (GRUNTS) < (CRIES) Hey, uh,... if you could look after him today... Well, I'm taking Constance to school so everyone can meet her. Well, I'm taking Constance to school so everyone can meet her. Really? Well, I'm taking Constance to Yeah, I told you twice. The kids are really looking forward to it. Could you, um... (CLEARS THROAT) Could you take both of them? Brian, it is quite hard with two babies, and we don't have a double stroller. Yeah, but the kids, they'll love meeting Sonny Bill. I mean, he's such a character. (CHUCKLES) Pretty please? ROCK MUSIC Before you muck around with anything, make sure the power's off. CELL PHONE CHIMES CELL PHONE CHIMES (SCOFFS) You again? Yeah, don't worry about it. (GRUNTS) What are you up to, trouble? Hey, you all right with that? What are you up to, trouble? Hey, you all right with that? Yeah, should be. All right, it better not be one of your stink bombs. (GRUNTS, GROANS) Is it your back again? Is it your back again? Of course it's my back again. Shit. Brian, what have you done to yourself now? Same as before. Same as before. Well, you'd better come on through. Are you waiting for someone? Same as before. Are you waiting for someone? Are you waiting for someone? No, I'm with him. Are you waiting for someone? No, I'm with him. (GRUNTS) This is Mac's son, Noah. Oh, hi. I'm Jenna. I went to school with your dad. Hi. Hi. And this is my boy, Sonny Bill. Hi. (GASPS) Aw. Hello, handsome. Come on through, you poor old thing. Come on through, you poor old thing. Yeah. It's a bit of a freaking mess in there, Brian. It's a bit of a freaking mess in there, Brian. (SIGHS) Tell me about it. Have you been doing your exercises? Have you been doing your exercises? I've been pretty busy. (SIGHS) Have you been doing your exercises? you don't treat it with respect. It's not gonna get better if you don't treat it with respect. Whoa! Aren't you gonna take me to dinner first? (LAUGHS) I don't remember you being shy. Oh, I'm a changed man. Oh, I'm a changed man. (CHUCKLES) Right. On your side. I wanna work on that hip. On your side. I wanna work on that hip. Um,... it's a bit embarrassing. Oh, it's nothing I haven't seen before. Oh, it's nothing I haven't seen before. True. (SIGHS) OK. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) Whoa, you weren't kidding. Well, we haven't seen a lot of action lately, so... That doesn't sound like Brian King. That doesn't sound like Brian King. Five months, two weeks and one day. That doesn't sound like Brian King. Five months, two weeks and one day. Aw, poor baby. (SIGHS) Constance Maggie? Could she change it and be Maggie Constance? (LAUGHS) I suppose she could. (LAUGHS) I suppose she could. I miss you, Miss. (LAUGHS) I suppose she could. I miss you, Miss. Oh, I miss you too, Jayden. So do I. I miss you, Miss. So do I. So do I. CHILDREN: So do I! So do I. CHILDREN: So do I! SCHOOL BELL RINGS So do I. CHILDREN: So do I! OK, everybody, that's lunchtime. CHILDREN: Aw! CHILDREN: Aw! I'm sure Em will bring Constance Maggie back to see us another time. CHILDREN: Aw! CHILDREN: Aw! See you later. Bye. Oh God. I didn't realise how much I miss them all. Shall we go to the staff room for a coffee? It's still revolting. What's wrong, hon? What is that? What is that? That's another one of Vicki's clever ideas (!) > What is that? know she was back. Vicki? I didn't even know she was back. Vicki? I didn't even know she was back. Uh, yes. Enjoy your coffee. Enjoy your coffee. (CHUCKLES) Enjoy your coffee. Hiya, I might just... Hi, uh... Oh, Vicki. Oh, Vicki. Hello, Emma. Is this your little one? Uh, yes. Constance. Uh, yes. Constance. Isn't it lovely how all those old names are back in? Uh, yes. Constance. Actually, I was hoping to speak to Wendy. She's away for a few weeks while her husband has some tests. They found some polyps, apparently. Let's hope they're benign. Right. I noticed a poster ` The Road to Reading. Yes, it's proving quite an incentive. It's not really fair, is it? On slow readers like Jayden. All in the spirit of healthy competition. Weren't you against competition? Weren't you against competition? Not in an academic context. Was there anything else? Weren't you against competition? Yeah. I was, um` I was thinking I'd put my name down for some relieving. Don't be silly. You should be enjoying this precious time with your little one. You know, the first year is so important for her development. You know, the first year is so important for her development. I'm sure the odd day wouldn't hurt. A lot of women find maternity leave isn't enough, and the next thing they know, they're pregnant again. Now, you take care of that little one. She made it so obvious she doesn't want me back. That woman is so infuriating. Well, at least you have security. My job got restructured out of existence. I know, that is so terrible. Everyone pays lip service to how important child-rearing is. While everyone else gets on with their brilliant careers, we're left drowning in a nappy bucket. I mostly use disposables. I mostly use disposables. (CHUCKLES) Can I tell you something? (SIGHS) Well, I know this time I'm spending with Constance is supposed to be,... well, precious and special, but sometimes I just feel so... well, precious and special, but sometimes I just feel so... ...bored? Yes! but sometimes I just feel so... Yes! Yes! Join the club. Yes! Join the club. Really? Yes! Join the club. face it. (SIGHS) You love them to bits, but sometimes it's a bit dull, let's face it. Mm. I didn't go back to work for years after Noah and Frank, and I regret it now. But they're lovely boys. But they're lovely boys. I know, but I'm sure they would have turned out the same with a nanny. Mm. Mm. There's quite a bit of research to support that. Mm. Well, I do miss my kids and teaching and... stimulation. Then go back to work. Then go back to work. How? Then go back to work. How? It's not impossible. And we can make it so. ATMOSPHERIC ROCK MUSIC Where is he? I've been banging on that door. He's been out on the job. He's been out on the job. What? > Me and him, we've been out doing the business. Me and him, we've been out doing the business. (GROANS) Give him back. Me and him, we've been No, look, he's out to it right now. I don't care what you think of me, but you're not getting him. I don't care what you think of me, but you're not getting him. Don't be a dick. He is my baby. I don't care what you think of me, but you're not getting him. I can't take him anywhere! You've got the passport. I can't take him anywhere! You've got the passport. That's right. SONNY BILL CRIES You've got the passport. SONNY BILL CRIES Oh, baby, no, look. Shh, shh. It's OK, I'm here. SONNY BILL CRIES You can't do this. You can't do this. < SONNY BILL CRIES You can't do this. < SONNY BILL CRIES Baby, it's OK. Mummy's here. You can't do this. < SONNY BILL CRIES Don't be a shit, Brian. It's OK, darling. I'm here. It's OK, darling. I'm here. (CRIES) It's OK, darling. I'm here. (CRIES) Oh, sweetie. Shh. Cheers. Cheers. ALL: Cheers. I had a call today from Health and Disability. Just checking some details. So there's movement? So there's movement? Mm, slowly. Bloody David Manning deserves to be shot. And we should change the subject. Cory ` what's happening? I don't know. You're the one that goes running with him. You're the one that goes running with him. Not recently. He's been tied up. You're the one that goes running with him. Mm. Poor Bob Bachelor. No, what about Cory? No, what about Cory? What about him? No, what about Cory? What about him? You have to feel some sympathy. No, what about Cory? What about him? (SCOFFS) Not me. You're the one he's got the hard-on for. (SCOFFS) Not me. You're the one he's got the hard-on for. (GROANS) Not really. (SCOFFS) Not me. You're the one And now he's taken. Probably not. Probably not. And dinner is served. (SIGHS) But what about if Bob gets so upset that he can't face being quizmaster and he quits? And he has to eke out an existence as a lonely, heartbroken clown DJ general entertainer. So mean. So mean. Dig in, guys. I know you don't agree, but I feel sorry for Cory. And I feel sorry for Bob. And I feel sorry for Bob. Bob didn't propose. And I feel sorry for Bob. Bob didn't propose. Well, Cory's a dick. And I feel sorry for Bob. Hey, this looks great. Cory is actually a very genuine person when you get to know him. Cory is actually a very genuine person when you get to know him. Yeah, well, I wouldn't want to. Cory is actually a very genuine He's my friend. Cory is actually a very genuine He's my friend. Team Bob, all the way. I'm getting that, don't you worry. He's my friend. I'm getting that, don't you worry. I'm getting that, don't you worry. Does she always have to be right? I'm getting that, don't you worry. Does she always have to be right? Another toast ` to the chef. Chef. Chef. (SCOFFS) (GROANS) Man, that is so good. You like? You like? Yeah. Well, I had a very interesting day too. Mm? Mm? I was thinking... I could go back to work earlier, maybe. Uh-huh. (GROANS) Uh-huh. (GROANS) Really? Uh-huh. (GROANS) Really? Yeah. Yeah, whatever works. You're so great. You're so great. (GROANS) You're so great. (GROANS) My word, you are very stiff. Sorry. (CHUCKLES) I could do something about that if you want. Yeah? You sure? I mean, only if you want to. Well, it's an option worth exploring. Well, it's an option worth exploring. (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) Oh yeah. Oh God. (GROANS) Oh shit. < (PANTS) < (PANTS) Oh dear. < (PANTS) (SIGHS) Sorry. It's` It's my fault for making you wait so long. It's` It's my fault for making you wait so long. Nah. (PANTS) We could try again, if you want? We could try again, if you want? Really? I mean, only if you want to. I want to. REFLECTIVE GUITAR MUSIC Good morning. How's the back? Good morning. How's the back? Better. Must be the massage. Good morning. How's the back? Better. Must be the massage. Mm, must have been. Tea's made. I was just gonna bring it in. Tea's made. I was just gonna bring it in. I might take it easy today. You should. Now, I've got to pop out; just start organising a few things. What for? What for? I'm going back to work. CELL PHONE CHIMES CELL PHONE CHIMES Oh! That's you. Not straight away, but I need to put some pegs in place. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Sorry? Oh, shit. Sorry? It's Courtney. She wants to talk. Oh, shit. There is nothing to discuss. You're not taking him. I don't even want to go to Australia. I don't even want to go to Australia. Right, good. That's settled. But it's a great chance for Jerry. But it's a great chance for Jerry. Where is he anyway? But it's a great chance for Jerry. Where is he anyway? (SIGHS) He's already gone last week. Bummer. But, you know, hey, there'll be other guys. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? He may have walked out on you, but it's` What are you talking about? No, dickwad, he had to go over for his contract. But he wants me to go as well. He's getting us a place` But he wants me to go as well. He's getting us a place` Not with Sonny Bill. (SIGHS) OK. What about some kind of agreement where you could come see Sonny Bill, and I` I could` I could bring him over for visits, and then when he's older, he can come stay with you in` in the school holidays. Or we could do it the other way round. Or we could do it the other way round. Sorry? Or we could do it Sonny Bill stays with me, and you come and visit. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. Yeah, well, neither could I. Why are you being such a bastard? Why are you being such a bastard? Look, go, stay ` it is up to you. But you are not taking him anywhere. No little one today? No little one today? Uh, no, she's with a friend. No little one today? Uh, no, she's with a friend. So you have support. That's good. I won't take up much of your time. I just wanted to talk about coming back to work earlier. I see. I see. Perhaps I could start next term. I see. Perhaps I could start next term. Ah, I see a problem with this. Such as? Well, obviously we've contracted someone to cover the nine months' leave you requested. But I hear Portia's pregnant. Has anyone been booked to replace her? We're examining options. We're examining options. So no? Emma, I have to say I'm a bit surprised. I would have picked you as the type to care for your baby until the last possible minute. Unless... Is it... financial issues? It's not about that. It's not about that. Well, OK. I'll see what Mrs Norris has to say and get back to you. (TYPES ON KEYBOARD) Howdy! Hi! Hi! Hi. Hi! Hi. Haven't seen you here for a while. Hi! Hi. Hard to get out of bed. (GIGGLES) Right, anyway... Right, anyway... Actually, I was hoping I'd, uh, catch you. Right, anyway... Creature of habit, that's me. Creature of habit, that's me. What do you think... of this baby? Creature of habit, that's me. What do you think... of this baby? Oh! It's... very nice. I've got great taste. Cost a fortune. It's all been very speedy, hasn't it? You and Amber Jane? Well, that's me... except in the sack, where I can take as long as a lady needs. I see. I see. (GIGGLES) I'm sorry, Cat. You, uh... You had your chance. Actually, we're having a party to celebrate. I was hoping you could come along; bring the rest of the Beagle gang. I was hoping you could come along; bring the rest of the Beagle gang. Oh,... fantastic. I was hoping you could come along; bring the rest of the Beagle gang. Another...? Another...? Yeah, let's. Hi, Bob. Hi. Hi. What's happening tonight? Hi. What's happening tonight? Uh, speed dating. Hi. What's happening tonight? Great. (SIGHS) Not my favourite. All those sad, desperate people. (CHUCKLES) You're not here for speed dating? No. Actually, I came to see you. Me? Me? Yeah. Wanna talk? About you and Amber Jane? God. We met at a screen-acting class. Right. Right. I was rehearsing a monologue from In the Name of the Father. Right. She had tears ` genuine tears. She said I was amazing. So I offered to help her with her piece from Sliding Doors, and there was a connection ` real. I'm sure there was. And then I did something terrible. And then I did something terrible. You shagged her? N`No, well, yes, but... worse than that. I` I gave her the answers to the jackpot. And then instant karma. He proposed, and she said yes. (LAUGHS) Now even more irony. He's asked me to DJ at the engagement party. Oh no. What are you gonna do? I need the money. (SIGHS) WISTFUL MUSIC Did you know we've got an invite to Cory's engagement party? Did you know we've got an invite to Cory's engagement party? You are shitting me. Did you know we've got an invite I told Catherine I'd go. It's fancy dress ` I told Catherine I'd go. It's fancy dress ` 'romantic Hollywood'. It's fancy dress ` 'romantic Hollywood'. Terrific (!) It's fancy dress ` (GIGGLES) How would you feel about us having Sonny Bill full-time? I'm sorry? I'm sorry? Well, if Courtney pisses off to Oz. I told you I wanna go back to work. I'm sorry? I told you I wanna go back to work. I told you I wanna go back to work. When? I told you I wanna go back to work. When? Well, soon as I can organise it. I told you I wanna go back to work. But` I told you I wanna go back to work. But` We talked about it this morning. (SIGHS) I'm sorry, I just` This is really important to me. I want to go back to work. I thought you liked being a mum. I thought you liked being a mum. I do. Then why are you`? I thought you liked being a mum. Then why are you`? Staying at home with a baby all day every day is driving me a bit mad. Then why are you`? I just` I need to get out. I need to do something. Well, you could... join a club. Sorry? Sorry? Or get a hobby. Or you could stay Sorry? Or you could stay home, and I'll work. Or you could stay home, and I'll work. (SCOFFS) I don't think so. It's the same thing. home, and I'll work. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. Yeah, but it doesn't make sense, because I earn way more than you. It's the same thing. What? What? I am not staying home because it suits you, What? even if you think my job is pathetic and my career is worthless. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. It's what you meant. I didn't say that. It's what you meant. SONNY BILL CRIES > (SIGHS) It's what you meant. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) I don't care what you do with Sonny Bill. Just leave me out of it. < SONNY BILL CRIES < SONNY BILL CRIES (SIGHS) Totally unreconstructed ` that's our Brian. Yeah, well, I used to like it... kind of. Yeah, well, I used to like it... kind of. The caveman thing. (SIGHS) The worst thing is that he's probably right. You don't honestly believe that? You don't honestly believe that? Well, I am still breastfeeding. You don't honestly believe that? Well, I am still breastfeeding. Mm-hm. And Vicki will probably sabotage me from going back. Then I will be stuck at home. Right. So you might as well look after two as one? Do you think so? Do you think so? No! Absolutely not. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) You cannot let Brian bulldoze you into this just because it suits him. (LAUGHS) Yeah, it's not just that. Well, he's grumpy because of his back and worried about losing Sonny Bill, and... he's so little. I don't want to put him in childcare yet. I don't want to put him in childcare yet. I understand that, but... there are alternatives. (SIGHS) Do you want to take Sonny Bill out? Uh, not today. Uh, not today. Well, what, then? Look, I thought you should know I'm meeting with a lawyer today. Maybe you should do the same thing. What's the point? So we can get something in writing about, you know, the custody... things. There's no point. I'm not going to Oz any more. I'm not going to Oz any more. Eh? Well, I can't leave Sonny Bill, and you won't let me take him, so... What about Jerry and the Titans? What about Jerry and the Titans? Yeah, he's gutted. But he'll get over it. There'll be all those Australian chicks, and let's face it, he's... sort of a spunk, so... Well, you could still go. (CHUCKLES) You reckon? (CHUCKLES) You reckon? Yeah. You're young, and you and Jerry can have more kids and` (CHUCKLES) You reckon? (CHUCKLES) You reckon? Well, you could. What? Well, you could. What? Well, you could. God, you're an arsehole, Brian. I love Sonny Bill. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. No, I'm just trying to help. No, I'm just trying to help. Being a mum is the only fricking thing I've ever been any good at. No, I'm just trying to help. I'm not gonna leave him, not ever. < (SIGHS) KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR I've got it. Have you finished your homework? Have you finished your homework? Yes. Have you finished your homework? Have you finished your homework? Mum! Let me see. Mum! Let me see. DOOR CLOSES Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Good. Hey, how are you? Good. Hey, everyone. Hey, how are you? Good. Hi. > I'll just get my stuff. Good. I'll just get my stuff. I'll just get my stuff. Don't forget your styling wand. 5am starts are murder. I can imagine. This is very good of you. Just a few ground rules` If I can teach Celeste anything, it's how to be a total professional, and that means turning up on time, looking your best, and not getting a reputation as a slut, because that will kill your career quicker than sudden weight gain. because that will kill your career quicker than sudden weight gain. Right. Hi there. Hi there. Hi. So, are you looking forward to your party? Sorry? Engagement party. Engagement party. Oh! Yes. I'm thinking of going as Anne Hathaway. Les Mis. Engagement party. WHISPERS: Perfect. So, Cory seems very keen. Yeah, he's going as Richard Gere ` Officer and a Gentleman. I mean keen on you. I mean keen on you. Have you seen his apartment? Um, no. I mean keen on you. Um, no. Um, no. A-ma-zing. Jacuzzi. And he's pretty connected, which is great for my career, although sometimes I wonder if NZ is big enough for me. And you love him? And you love him? Yeah, he's really... funny. (LAUGHS) He is, yeah. Can I just say if you have any doubts, you should let him know. Because marriage is a big commitment, and it's important to be honest. You know, you're so right. So wise. Let's go. Let's go. Great. See you later. Bye. Bye. Bye. My brain hurts. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) How was your day? Not bad, yours? Not bad, yours? Well, it was` it was all right. Not bad, yours? That's good. Actually, something came up today, but, um, well, I don't want you to be angry. What about? Uh, me going back to work. Jo offered to look after Constance. Eh? Eh? Well, she's already got Tobias, so... What'll she do? Teach Maggie how to boil newts and ride a broomstick? What'll she do? Teach Maggie how to boil newts and ride a broomstick? Don't be silly. What'll she do? Teach Maggie how to boil newts and ride a broomstick? Thing is she probably can't take Sonny Bill as well. Thing is she probably can't take Sonny Bill as well. I didn't ask her to. OK. Anyway, it doesn't matter any more. (CLEARS THROAT) Courtney's staying. Anyway, it doesn't matter any more. (CLEARS THROAT) Courtney's staying. What about Jerry? He's already gone. (CLEARS THROAT) Courtney's staying. He's already gone. He's already gone. But Courtney's staying because of Sonny Bill? He's already gone. Yeah. Well, it's her decision. Well, it's her decision. What other decision could she make? She's a mother. Well, it's her decision. Yeah, well, at least she's not buggering off back to work. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) You think I'm a bad mother? No. (SIGHS) No. And Courtney's a good mum, because she stays home? No. Well, she's turning out OK, and he's a great little guy. I know. I know. What's so bad about that? You go on about him all I know. You go on about him all the time. Sonny Bill's so great. You go on about him all the time. Sonny Bill's so great. Well, he is. And what about Constance? And what about Constance? She's gorgeous, like her mum. And what about Constance? don't even like her. (SCOFFS) It's like you don't even like her. Well, maybe not at first, but I've grown to like her. Right. I should get her in the bath. No,... (SIGHS) I'll do it. No,... (SIGHS) I'll do it. No, I'll do it. (CRIES) (GROANS) Oh Christ! Brian, you're scaring her! Well, then you do it, and I'll just piss off, cos that's what you want. Well, then you do it, and I'll just piss off, cos that's what you want. Brian... Don't wait up. Don't wait up. Yeah, well, I won't. Don't wait up. Yeah, well, I won't. (CRIES) Don't wait up. Yeah, well, I won't. Come here, darling, it's OK. Hey. Heya. All Emma wanted was a baby. Now she's got one, she wants to piss off back to work. Inconceivable (!) Inconceivable (!) It's a fact. Kids need their mums. Actually, kids just need to be secure,... DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS < ...it doesn't matter how. DOOR OPENS < ...it doesn't matter how. Hello. (GROANS) < ...it doesn't matter how. DOOR OPENS Only me. (GROANS) Only me. (GROANS) Only me. Hi there. (GROANS) Only me. No problem. Frank needs these for athletics. No problem. Uh, look, we're not doing it, just so you know. No problem. I'm sorry? The childcare thing. Thanks but, um, no, thanks. Well, Emma seemed quite keen today. Yeah, well, she's my kid too. Yeah, well, she's my kid too. But you're not the one at home with her every day. Oh, yeah, and you'd know (!) Yeah, well, she's my kid too. (SCOFFS) As a matter of fact, yes. Emma is my friend. Oh, yeah, and you'd know (!) (SCOFFS) As a matter of fact, yes. Emma is my friend. Since when? Since when? She's feeling a little lost. She wants to have a career, and she needs support, but instead, you're behaving like a selfish prick. Are the kids with me this weekend? Are the kids with me this weekend? Uh, yeah, if that's OK. I'll pop in and say goodnight to them. Bye. (SCOFFS) What the...? As if I'm gonna take advice from that bad bitch. Well, she might have a point. If Emma wants to go to work, maybe the least you could do is listen. (SIGHS) REFLECTIVE GUITAR MUSIC (SIGHS) MUSIC CONTINUES (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) < Brian? (SIGHS) Brian? Brian? CELL PHONE RINGS Hello? Hello? Hi, it's me. I just thought I should mention I had a bit of a run-in last night with Brian over at Mac's place. Yeah. He's, uh` He's not here. Yeah. He's, uh` He's not here. Is everything OK? I don't know. Yeah. He's, uh` He's not here. I don't know. I don't know. He texted Noah to cancel work because of his back ` so he said. I don't know. somewhere licking his wounds. He's probably just off somewhere licking his wounds. He's probably just off somewhere licking his wounds. Probably. He's probably just off somewhere licking his wounds. (GRUNTS, PANTS) Does that hurt? Does that hurt? Bloody oath! What about...? What about...? Oh yeah, that! (PANTS) Makes me feel like... Makes me feel like... Like what? (SIGHS) Like I wanna cry or something. Shit. Physical strain is often connected to emotion. (SIGHS) Because I spent the night on the couch. Like that, is it? Like that, is it? (SIGHS) I don't get it. I tried and I tried, but... it's just so bloody difficult. (SIGHS) I mean, I'm not a bastard. I love her. I really do. But him, he's just the best little boy in all the world. But him, he's just the best little boy in all the world. I'm sure he is. But him, he's just the best My mother ` my adopted mother ` she didn't even like me. (SIGHS) 'You're just a shit, Brian.' That's what she used to say. 'Just a little shit.' POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) MUSIC CONTINUES (SIGHS) What do you want? To give you this. To give you this. What? You can have it. But... I get to see him whenever I want. Oh my God, Bri. Oh my God, Bri. You bring him back home, and we Skype` Anything you want. Anything at all. Oh! Thank you, Bri. Thank you so much. Yeah, well, just make sure he doesn't come home with an Aussie accent. (LAUGHS) REFLECTIVE GUITAR MUSIC (CRIES) Hey, matey. Hey, matey. (CRIES) Come on. Come on. You and me. Come on. We need to have a bit of a chat. Yeah. Jerry? It's me. You are never going to guess what. Jayden insisted I give this to you. Jayden insisted I give this to you. Aw, that is so sweet. First family portrait. Amazing he knows what Brian looks like. (LAUGHS) Yeah, Brian came into class once. Hi. Always lovely to see you, but I don't have a lot to report. Mrs Norris is still rather preoccupied. It's OK. I've decided not to do relieving any more. You'd rather stay at home with baby after all? Well, I thought about it... Well, I thought about it... Good. ...and it's not fair to put this on you if you're only here temporarily, so I went to see Wendy this morning. You did? Her husband's had the all-clear, and she's thrilled that I want to come back. So from the beginning of next term, I'll be here full-time. Isn't that great? QUIRKY GUITAR MUSIC Awesome. Hey. Name's Bond ` James Bond. Very nice! Very nice! My God, you look stunning ` (GIGGLES) Very nice! (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) way hotter than Pussy Galore. (GIGGLES) way hotter than Pussy Galore. Watch it, you. What a shame it's all for Cory's benefit. What a shame it's all for Cory's benefit. Aw, don't. This is his big night. What a shame it's all for Cory's benefit. (CHUCKLES) Why aren't you dressed? Why aren't you dressed? I don't feel very well. What's wrong? Why aren't you dressed? What's wrong? What's wrong? Just a sore throat, you know, and a headache. What's wrong? You're not hot. You're not hot. I took some Panadol. I texted Amber Jane to say I can't make it. You sure? You sure? I'll be fine. I just want an early night. You guys have fun. You sure? Let's do it. BLUESY ROCK MUSIC You sure you don't want me to take a quick dip in the Nile? No! And that is awful. No! And that is awful. I am Russell Crowe. I am all class. And you are so damn sexy. No! And that is awful. I have to be there to support Bob. I have to be there to support Bob. Right. MUSIC CONTINUES Oh dear, there's not many here. Shh. Shh. Hey, guys. Shh. Hey, guys. Hey! Shh. Ah, Breakfast at Tiffany's. James Bond. James Bond. (GIGGLES) In your dreams, Macca. (GIGGLES) Am I right, Cat? So, are you expecting many people? So, are you expecting many people? Yeah, they'll turn up. Fashionably late, you know? And Amber Jane? And Amber Jane? Yeah, all set for the big moment. It's gonna be un-for-gettable. And Amber Jane? Looks like it. Bubbles? Looks like it. Bubbles? Absolutely. Bubbles? Absolutely. Well, enjoy. (SIGHS) Hey. Hey. Hey. Aren't you at Cory's party? No, I` No, I` No babysitter. No, I` No, I` Well, I'm here now, so if you` No` Well, I'm here now, so if you` Brian, will you shut up and listen? Please? OK. OK. (SIGHS) I couldn't go without you, and I've been really worried. OK. About me? I just had some, uh, things to sort... (INHALES) about Sonny Bill. Like what? Like what? (SIGHS) I let him go. With Courtney. Oh my God. Oh, I feel so bad. Oh, no, no. It's OK. She loves him, and... you know, it's best for everyone, right? I've still got you guys. And I do like Maggie. I know you do. POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC How you bearing up there, Bob? How you bearing up there, Bob? Doing my best. How you bearing up there, Bob? OK, people. Music, lights. Amber Jane, AJ. You... You lift me up where I belong. Cory` Cory` Shh. Cory` Shh. (GROANS) When you know you've found the one, you've found the one. So let's seal the deal, baby. 70'S SOFT ROCK PLAYS Oh my God. So beautiful. MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING I can't. I can't. CROWD MURMURS I can't. CROWD MURMURS I can't marry you. What? What? I care for you so much. You're such a great guy. But I'm young. There are too many things that I wanna do, and as a wise older woman said to me, I have to be honest. And honestly, now is not the right time in my life to make this kind of commitment. So sorry. MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING Bugger the gig. Go get her, tiger. (GIGGLES) You are one wicked woman. You are one wicked woman. (SIGHS) Can we go have sex now? (SIGHS) This... This was a really expensive ring. This was a really expensive ring. I know. I know. # Everything's gonna be all right today # Cos you're my baby,... Ha`Hang on a sec. Ha`Hang on a sec. No. Michelle` Ha`Hang on a sec. Michelle` What? Michelle` What? He was right. Michelle` What? I'm sorry? Who was? I'm sorry? I'm sorry? When you've found the one, you've found the one. I'm sorry? Yeah, only she wasn't the one. I'm sorry? Yeah, only she wasn't the one. But... you are. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. (SIGHS) OK! (SIGHS) OK! Wait. Will you marry me? Or you could think about it. Yes. Yes, you'll think about it? Yes, you'll think about it? Yes. (GIGGLES) Yes. Yes, I'll marry you. # All the things that I've said I'll do. # I didn't realise... (GIGGLES) # Everything's gonna be all right today, # Cos you're my baby. # It's OK for you to cry. # Everything's gonna be all right today,... (CHUCKLES) Oh, poor Cory. I feel like it was my fault. Oh God. Lucky escape, I'd say. But you are a very wise old woman. Ooh. Ooh. (CHUCKLES) CAR APPROACHES What? What? Do we know whose car that is? Hold on! You forgot your jacket. You forgot your jacket. Thanks. It was a very cool night. It was a very cool night. It was. (WHISPERS) See ya. It was a very cool night. See ya. # It's OK for you to cry. # Captions by Tom Wilson. Edited by Richard Edmunds. www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.