You sorted the rings out? Where did Dad get yours? You'll have to ask him. Little place just outside of Waihi. Cheapest ring in the store. It's a stag party, Rita ` what happens will happen. This is Darijo's club. I have the penthouse at the top of all this. Phineas found out Bert and Carol are... Well, affair isn't really the right word. It's not even loaded. (GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) I nearly killed my best mate! If it was gonna be anyone, I'm glad it was you. I was in the park, and I found a familiar canine. I can't even look after a bloody dog! No one steals my wife off my best mate. (CHEERING) Oh my God. (CHEERING) He is magnificent. I'm pregnant. I don't think I'm ready, Wolf. I don't think I want this baby. Copyright Able 2018. (LAUGHS) Mate. It looks like you put on the Chewbacca outfit just on your arm. No. (BOTH LAUGH) (BOTH CHEER) Westside, brought to you by The Rock. (BEEP!) Bring in the sign. (STATIC HISSES) Mm-hm. Yep. Next one. Nice. Oi! What are you idiots doing? Hello, Wolf. Hey, Cheryl. And hey to the future generations of little Wolfs and Cheryls who will watch this tape. This is our present to you. And not just cos we don't have any money. Or because Mrs Rita says if it doesn't come with a receipt it isn't going on the gift table. But because we wanted to give you something... ...that comes from the heart. Oh, and apologies in advance if any of this gets used as evidence. (STATIC HISSES) That's it, boys. Come on. Yep, through here. Keep up with them. Come on. We're going straight through there. Oh, my dear sweet lord, that is a cake. Yes, it is. It even has a little Wolf and a little Cheryl on top. Yep, I suppose it does. Oh, careful! Careful. Come on. Yep, down carefully there. That's it. Hoorah! Piss off, Falani. (BEEP!) Can never have too much grog at a party, eh? You know, you could actually lend us a hand, mate. Official wedding film-maker, me. Official slack-arse. So, how's the father of the groom on this day, this day of days, the day above all other days? If you know what's good for you, Eric, you'll point that camera somewhere else. Lots of yummy food. Is it too early to start drinking? Do you think the boys have already started? Exactly. For fuck's sake, Sparky. I told you what would happen if you pointed that camera at me. Carry on with what you're doing. I'm not easily shocked. Go away. Sorry. (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) Do we have to talk about it now? Of course not. I just thought that... You thought what? That today, being today... Nothing's different about today. Uh, we're getting married. Yeah, I know, OK, and that's fucking great, but can we just forget about babies for today? But one of the reasons we're getting married is for our kids, right? Otherwise, what's the actual point? (SCOFFS) That I love you. And I hope you love me. Of course I do. Please can we just not talk about babies? Can we just pretend that whole situation doesn't exist? If that's what you want. And here, later on, after you and your wife have left to have your wicked way with each other at the Lincoln Green, Wolf, this room will be filled with sweaty, drunk people, dancing up a storm of sexual energy, and I will be right in the middle of that storm. You know they have to show this to their kids, right? Anything you wish to say to the happy couple? Never been married; don't know nothing about it; best of luck to both of you. No words of wisdom, Mr Phineas, based on your years of marriage. Oi! Come look at this. You think this will be big enough? The pig? Yeah, to feed everyone. Seems a little on the small side to me. Yeah, looks more like a guinea pig on a spit. Falani could probably eat all that by himself. We should grab another one just to be on the safe side. Demetrios is normally at his store Saturday mornings. Here. Why don't you take Phin, go grab one, eh. Yeah. Or I could take Bert. What? Well, doesn't have to be him in charge. Nah, I wasn't saying that. He's not the boss of me. Well, I wouldn't wanna be. Never mind, midget pig. You did your best, and I'm sure you will be delicious. Hey! Don't you dare touch it! Not yet! Hey, all I said was that it was big, not that I wanted to touch it. And we're talking about the cake, just to be clear. (STATIC HISSES) Out of my way! Is she here? COLD CHISEL: # Cheap wine and a three-day growth. The bride ` is she here? # Cheap wine and a three-day growth... She was meant to spend the night at her mum's. She said she didn't feel like it. It's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the ceremony. Whatever you're doing in there, stop it! Oh, which is lovely, but no, not now. No time. Come on. Hurry, hurry! Guess I'll see you later, then. Mm. I'll be the one standing, waiting. Yes, you will be if we don't get a move on. Oh, get out of my way! (STATIC HISSES) I'll just have a chip. # Cheap wine and a three-day growth... # Carol's calmer than I thought she'd be. It's still early days. Bye, Cheryl. Bye, Falani. Just keep saying to yourself that this'll be the happiest day of your life. What are you doing in my car? It's my job to follow the bride on her special day. How's it going? Ace. What's wrong with a few photos? That's all me and Phineas have. Had. (CAR ENGINE WHINES) Shit. (CAR ENGINE REVS) I think it's closed. You think? He's usually open on a Saturday. Demetrios! Demetrios, you old bastard! Unless he's out doing some home kills, which he does some Saturdays. Oh, there'll be a pig inside, eh? I guess. He usually does pork sausages on a Monday. You had them? Yeah, yeah. They're awesome. Real porky. Me and Carol used to have them fresh every Monday night. We should break in and grab a pig, eh. Yeah, yeah. It's a really good one. It's gonna take two of us to carry it. (DOOR SLAMS) Phineas? Mate, if this is about me shooting you, you do remember that was an accident, right? It's not about that. It's about Carol. This is a sacred day. This is the single most important day in a woman's life, and if you ruin it for Cheryl by being weird or saying something weird or even just looking at someone weird, hey! Yeah, OK, I got it. I will punish you, and you will not like it. OK, love, let's go and make you beautiful. You're doing a good job, Sparky. It was a lovely idea, the film. You smell different. Nice, but different. I said no weirdness! Quick! God, Carol. In here. (POP MUSIC PLAYS) Just pretend I'm not here. Come on, you. Quick, quick! Let's go. I'm a bloody flower girl. Oh. Well, that's nice. No, it's not. It sucks. Being a flower girl is for babies, so I'm gonna get really wasted. What? Nothing. I'm making a` Yeah, one celebrating the institution that's enslaved women for thousands of years. Aren't you a bridesmaid? Only against my will. I hope your mate Falani doesn't think he's getting a root tonight. Oh, I don't think so. Why? Uh, maid of honour, best man ` it's tradition. But not at this wedding. I think he'll be OK. What? Why? He should be slutted. I'm way more attractive than him. But wouldn't he be slutted if you did root him? (STATIC HISSES) Phineas, you still there? I'm thinking. Which is good, mate. That's good. Cos if this is about Carol, you do remember it's not me you should be angry with any more, right? Yeah, but I'm still angry. But not with me. That's the part where I get confused. Cos I should be angry with you cos you're my mate who rooted my wife. True, but that's all in the past. Then along comes this other fella, and I really wanna be angry with him. Yeah, yeah. I would be. But you know the one person I'm not angry with? Me, mate, at the end of the day. Carol. Fuck. Because she's just following her urge, and urges are real powerful things. It's really fucking cold in here, mate. That's so the meat doesn't go off. Yes, yes, like the pig, the one that Ted sent us to get. And we should probably get it on the spit soon if it's gonna be ready for the feed, eh? You just need to know that I'm still not cool with what happened. Fucking got it, Phineas. And like I said, mate, I'm really bloody sorry about you and Carol, all right? Yeah, me too. (ROCK MUSIC) I'm looking for something to inspire the happy couple here. You're seriously asking us what the secret to a good marriage is? You're still married, aren't you? Are we? Excellent sex is a good part of marriage. Yes, fucking. The man of the hour and of the day, the day of days. It's just a party, Falani. Tell me, what do you think of my best man ie faitaga? If that's what you're into. But not the thing for you? Not really. I was starting to wonder, because you seem less than keen to get into your wedding pants. Falani, can you turn the bloody camera off? I just need a moment to think, you know, without the bloody camera being stuck in my face. To think about perhaps fleeing? What? No. Good, because there would be many people baying for your blood. Cheryl's pregnant again. That is good. Yes? She doesn't wanna keep the baby. She wants to adopt it out? Oh. So, what do you want? I want whatever Cheryl wants. After what happened last time, I owe her that. And that is why you have been sitting here with no pants on? In part. Well, if you would like, I can join you ` I already have no pants on. I'm good, thanks, Falani. (BILLY IDOL'S 'WHITE WEDDING' PLAYS) It looks like the big pig is chasing the little pig to their doom. (CHUCKLES) Good work, fellas. Welcome. Hey, Ted. You know, sooner or later, Carol's gonna be here, right? Yeah, I know. So what are you gonna to do? Try and be cool. You? Mate, I'm here for you now. Seriously? Yeah. She's your wife. Iris. Welcome. Thank you for your kind gift. You can never have too much booze at a Henderson wedding. It's the least I can do, Teddy. And I'm sure it was an oversight you didn't invite me in the first place. Absolutely. Shame on me. Oh, that horse you like, Kiwi, it's looking good for the Melbourne Cup, I think. Those days are long past, Iris. Enjoy the wedding, eh? Oh, I will. Point me in the direction of any single men. (CHUCKLES) Move. We're getting all the guests to send a message of love to the happy couple. They've never met me ` why the fuck would they care what I think? (STATIC HISSES) That's a hell of a cake. Yes, it is. Be a shame when they have to demolish it for the masses. Yes, it will be. I'm Malcolm. Bilkey. Shaping up to be a lively wedding. Yeah, it will be that. Go hard or go home ` is that what they say? You must be from the bride's side of proceedings. Both, really. I'm the marriage celebrant. Oh. And looking at this crowd... (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Save me a piece of cake if I get out alive. (CHUCKLES) Oi, oi, oi. Is that a wee stiffy I see in your trousers there, young Bilkey? Wolf? (SCOFFS) What sort of name is that? It's short for Wolfgang. Mm. Sounds German. Don't talk to him, Granny! I can't stand Germans. Oh, here we go! They smell of cabbage, and they killed Cyril, my lover in Grimsby. The Nazis killed him with a Butterfly bomb. It was there in the street. Cyril picked it up, and he said, 'What's this?' I said, 'Well, the Germans dropped it. It's obviously no good.' It went off, blew him in half. He was a halfwit, but he had a tongue... like an electric eel. How're you feeling? Fine. It was about this time when I married your father that I freaked out. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything. Yeah? So? So as it turned out, I wish I'd followed my instincts that day. Are you trying to talk me out of it? No! You are. I'm just about to get into my wedding dress, and you're still trying to talk me out of marrying Wolf. What are you doing? You're clearly not happy about it, are you? You been hanging round the house, trying to take pictures of naked girls. Eh? No. I wasn't! Were you filming us? You little perv! I'm not a perv, I swear! Get out! Go and wait in the car. We're leaving in five. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) And what a marvellous turnout of so many interesting people from so many different walks of life! Well, this is Henderson, Ofisa ` it takes all sorts. Hello, strange rat-like man with a camera. I'm Eric. Falani will have mentioned me. No. Anyway, we're asking people the secret to a happy marriage. Today my wife is with her sisters in Apia,... where she is happy. I am here, where I am happy. Distance is a good thing in a marriage. Oh, fuck me. Ted. Danny. Hi, Mary. It's a hell of a turnout. Yeah, sure is. Rita's inside, if you're after her. Not really sure what to do with this. Oh. I can deal with that. Why don't you guys grab yourselves a drink, eh? So tell me, Mr and Mrs Peters, what's the secret to making a marriage work? Alcohol. And a husband who can keep his dick in his pants. Oh! She had a couple for breakfast. Didn't we all! The secret, my young friends, is tolerance,... forgiveness and the ability to let go of the... Play wherever you like, just somewhere away from the cake! Hey, come on, back off! Back off! That's a bit odd. Oh! And the eagle,... she got my invite, and she has landed. (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) We don't belong here. They invited us. WHISPERS: They look like criminals. You are fucking kidding me. I'm gonna fucking kill him. Phineas, no! But he's the guy who was balls-deep in my wife! Clearly, there's something going on that we don't know about, mate. Like what? Like, why were they invited to the wedding unless there's a connection somewhere? But I wanna kill him. And that would ruin the wedding. So... at least wait until after the service, OK? (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (KNOCK AT DOOR) What the fuck are you doing here? He's with me. What a pleasure it is having you in my house again, Mike (!) Oh, you're too kind, Rita. (BOTH LAUGH) (GASPS) Shit, are we getting raided already? My former life, and you know it. Yet the smell of pork still lingers. Jesus, Lefty. Have you been reading Ted's joke book? I'm paying for most of this, so I bring who I like. The bridal party should be here any minute, depending on whether Carol has another spinout. I'll alert the troops. You ready yet? Well, that answers that question. What's the matter, Wolf? Do you not wanna get married? Well, that'd suit you, wouldn't it? Don't bring me into this. You've been a sad-arse all week. And now... now you're sitting there like you're on bloody death row, about to eat your final meal. Marriage isn't that bad, love. Well, the way you and Dad go at it sometimes. Jesus. Are we doing this or not? Because if you're having second thoughts` I'm not having second thoughts. Then what the fuck is the problem? No problem. Love, if you're scared, it's OK` I'm not fucking scared! Then put your bloody suit on. How is my best man? I don't know. You tell me. Maybe there is nothing to tell. I doubt that very much. OK, then maybe there is something to tell, but in the telling, an oath of secrecy will be broken. Think of it like going to church, confessing to a higher power. That is very much how I see you anyway. (SIGHS) Since you are forcing me to tell you` Something you clearly want to tell me. Miss Cheryl is pregnant again,... but she does not want to keep the baby. And how does Wolf feel about this? Well, I suspect how he feels is different to what he says to his woman, who he wants to no cry ` as St Bob Marley might say ` at least not on their wedding day. Thank you, Falani. Where's Rita? In the toilet with Falani. You what? I need a word. Were you doing drugs in there? Yes, Eric, of course that is what we were doing (!) Did you get it on camera? Never mind that ` we've got a problem. Do I need to know why you and Falani were in the toilet? Best-man issues. Great (!) Why is Danny Peters here? He's here? Yeah. Well, he was always on the invite list. Well, I should have been consulted about this list. You were a bit busy getting drunk and gambling all our money away. Does he know that I know about... you know? Nope. I haven't told him. So when I punch him in his smug little face, it'll come as a complete surprise. Don't punch him, Ted. But I want to. Not on your son's wedding day. (ROCK MUSIC) DRAGON: # Are you old enough? # Are you old enough? # Are you old enough? Ooh, ooh. Are you old enough for love? # Looking at my life go by. # 10 years in the jailer's eye, # and I'm thinking about my baby, looking at my life go by... # They know they're gonna have to stop the party so we can do the service, right? I'm sure they won't turn on you, if you don't use long words. (THE PRETENDERS' 'MESSAGE OF LOVE' PLAYS) Bilkey, I just need your help with an emergency. What? Can you please take that for a second? Why? Why? Because the three of us, we need to be up the front there with Wolf, so we can't film any of the actual weddingy bits. Personally, I blame Eric. Is that the one that looks like a rat? Yeah, that is him. OK. Well, I'll give it my best shot. Once the official bits are over, I'll grab it straight back. Yeah, all right. Well, shouldn't I do it? # Take care of each other... Why? Well, I'm taller than you ` I can see over the people. Yeah, but I'm better than you at technical things. Well, I'm still taller than you. I'll leave it with you guys. It's like looking into the future. You got it, Dad? All okey-dokey, son. You go and make all of Samoa proud by being the bestest best man. I'll try. THE PRETENDERS: # Like Brigitte Bardot... # Oh! My foots. (CHUCKLES) Yes, Bilkey, hello. Hey, this is fun. Oi! Turn that fucking music off! The bride is out the front, so everybody needs to be where they should be right this second. Are we all clear on where we need to be? Two minutes, and then play the proper music! You OK there, Phineas? Do you want me to do the camera thing, mate? Yeah, that'd be good. (METAL-GUITAR 'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS) (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) What the fuck? I tried to stop them, but they walked straight past me! What are you doing here, Dario? Ted fucking West, what do you think I'm doing here? Well, I don't know about you, but we're trying to have a wedding. This would be the wedding that you have stag do at my apartment, yes, where you trash my apartment? So I have one question for you ` why you no invite me to wedding? (SCOFFS) Jeez, Dario ` you want a list? Does not matter, because I decide to come anyway. Doslic and West have been brothers for far too long to hold grudges. Not really. WHISPERS: Yeah, also, uh, since story of legendary party, I have had so many women in my apartment, my dick is raw. All right. I don't need to know, Dario. Make yourselves at home, eh? All right. Yeah, yeah. So I'll go tell her it's OK to start, shall I? PETER FRAMPTON: # Shadows grow so long before my eyes,... # and they're moving... # across the page. # Suddenly, the day turns... # into night, # far away... # from the city. # But don't... # hesitate,... # cos your love # won't wait. # Ooh, baby, I love your way,... # every day. # I wanna tell you I love your way # every day. # I wanna be with you night and day... # Please be seated, everyone. Family and friends of Wolf and Cheryl, we're gathered here today to join these two exceptional young people in matrimony. When I talked with Wolf and Cheryl about what they wanted from this ceremony, there were only two things they wanted. The first was to skip over the bit about anyone knowing good reason why they shouldn't get married. The fuck you looking at me for? She was just as bad. (LAUGHTER) And the second thing was that this be the fastest ceremony ever. With that in mind, Wolf, please repeat after me, I, Wolfgang West,... I, Wolfgang West,... ...take you, Cheryl Miller,... ...take you, Cheryl Miller,... ...to be my wife,... ...to be my wife,... ...to have and to hold from this day forward,... ...to have and to hold from this day forward,... ...for better or for worse,... ...for better or for worse,... ...for richer and for poorer,... ...for richer and for poorer,... ...in sickness and in health,... ...in sickness and in health,... ...to love and to cherish... ...to love and to cherish... ...from this day forward... ...from this day forward... ...until death do us part. ...until death do us part. I, Cheryl Miller,... I, Cheryl Miller,... ...take you, Wolfgang West,... ...take you, Wolfgang West,... ...to be my husband... ...to be my husband... ...to have and to hold from this day forward,... ...to have and to hold from this day forward,... ...for better or for worse,... ...for better or for worse,... ...for richer and for poorer,... ...for richer and for poorer,... ...in sickness and in health,... ...in sickness and in health,... ...to love and to cherish... ...to love and to cherish... ...from this day forward... ...from this day forward... ...until death do us part. ...until death do us part. Wolf and Cheryl will now exchange rings. The ring, with no beginning and no end, is the symbol of their eternal love. With this ring, I thee wed. With this ring, I thee wed. (SNIFFLES) And with that, in record time, I now pronounce you husband and wife. (CHEERING) (CHEERING) BON MARCHE: # It's only me, I'm running when we slide down. # So this is love. # So this is love. # All that I've got to say is, # so this is love. # So this is love. # I've just about had enough. # Love's elusive ways are driving me crazy. # I'm lost in confusion, # imagination's running wild. # One fish. Hmm? All I wanted was one blimmin' fish for my dinner, and do you think this bastard would let me take one? ALL: No! But, you know, our Wolf, he's the leader, so what he says goes. Eric, I don't think this is a good story for right now` So all the fish gets spoilt, and next thing, Dario's paying us to burn the bloody fish factory down to the ground! It was you burned down uncle's factory? He asked me! Hey! He never liked you! Never liked you! Good story, mate (!) I don't know why they call the best man the best man, when surely, today, the best man is the man who married the best woman. There were fields out here in those days. And trees ` lots of trees. And there were no brown people. Oh, for fuck's sake. Now there are brown people everywhere. The first one's from Dad, from Australia, with that bitch prison guard he's with now. READS: 'Love you always, my dearest Cheryl. Sorry we couldn't make it.' Well, sorry my arse. Stick to reading the telegrams, OK? And the last one's from Jeanette, down with the freaky Christians. READS: On this day I hope you will finally turn to God for forgiveness. Well, that's a big fuck you from Jeanette then, isn't it? Mandy, sit down. I guess the one thing I can say about marriage to pass on to these young people is that it's a lot like a horse race, a steeplechase ` plenty of obstacles along the way, and it goes on for fucking ever. (LAUGHTER) But if you keep at it,... you work together,... you'll get across the line. Just don't bet the house on it. Cheers. ALL: Cheers. OK, so, apparently, this is the bit where you're meant to throw it open to the floor for anyone who wants to say something. But can I just say that the longer we go on with the speeches, the more we're cutting into the serious drinking time. I'd like to say something. The beautiful mother of the groom to say a few words. I think Cheryl will be the first to admit that when she first turned up on my doorstep, I was less than impressed. I'd sent Wolf to the dairy to get some smokes; turns out he came back with a bloody wife. (LAUGHTER) So we didn't start on a great note, and then things kind of went downhill from there. Am I right? And then some. Yeah. But the thing is, Cheryl, my boy,... he loves the heck out of you, so I guess I'm stuck with you. You are. Wolf really loves you, Cheryl. In fact there are times when I think he loves you too much,... times when he's so scared of hurting you that he doesn't tell you what he truly feels, cos he doesn't wanna hurt you by going against you. When I was young,... about your age ` not much older ` a black dog came to visit me. And it made everything in my world dark,... and it led me to... a decision to kill my own boy. And I would have gone through with it if a great man hadn't have stopped me,... my husband. He stopped me, and he loved me, and he took away the fear, and he sent the black dog away. I know you're scared, love, and it's OK to be afraid after what you guys have been through. But you need to know that Wolf` That's fucking rich coming from you, Rita West, going on about family at the same time you're rooting my husband! Mary. Mary, I said leave it. Hypocrite bitch. Preaching's one thing ` doing's another! Oi! Shut up! And show some respect. You're a guest here. Don't tell me to shut up, you cheap slapper! Jesus Christ, Mary, give it a rest, will ya? At least I don't have a pimp for a husband! You don't have a husband ` just a pig boyfriend. For God's sake, I'm not a pig. And little slut daughters! Mary! Fuck you, bitch! Who are you calling a slut, you alky cow!? I don't like you! Oh shit. Argh! Fucking bitch! Excellent shindig so far, guys. No, no, no. I just need a couple of minutes, while they sort this out. Are you OK? Depends whether you call this OK. I'll be right back. Take your time, love. Horrible little woman you are! Horrible woman! (CHEERING) You told her, didn't you? You are well aware of your mother's powers of persuasion. (ROCK MUSIC) What the fuck was that about, Rita? You know. I'm not gonna be guilted into keeping this baby. Fuck off, Bilkey. Fucking off, as requested. (CLEARS THROAT) The point that I was trying to get to, before Danny's pissed wife interrupted,... is that with the love of a good man, you can be strong enough to get through anything. And today, love, you married a very good man. So, is Ted a good man? Yeah, he is. He's better than me. Sometimes I don't deserve him. But we get through things,... just like you and Wolf. It won't ever be perfect ` it never is ` but I can see it now that you two are gonna always keep coming back to each other. And that's all the strength you need, girl. What the hell were you thinking, mouthing off in front of everyone like that? Jesus Christ. Danny. Ted, mate, Jesus, I'm so sorry about that. I have no idea what brought that on, apart from bloody gin for breakfast. Back to Hamner Springs for her. Don't bullshit me,... mate. I guess Rita confessed, then, huh. And you told Mary. No, not me. I did confess, though ` to Father Murphy. Turns out he's a big a bloody pisshead as Mary, as it happens. I guess I deserved that. But in all fairness, Ted, your wife is a magnificent creature, and I find her very hard` (GRUNTS) Whatever bloody schemes you and her have got going on are over. From now on, you stay the bloody hell away from my wife. You got it? Like crystal, Ted. Thought I told you no punching. Yeah, not very good at doing what I'm told, me. True. TH' DUDES: # Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. You wanna know what marriage is really about? There are worse examples than that. # Drink... # yourself more bliss. This's my boyfriend! # Forget about the last one; get yourself another. Are we ever actually gonna eat the fucking cake? ALL: Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! OK, we'll cut the damn cake! (CHEERING) (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) # Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Do you wanna hand with that? Yeah, that'd be great. # Ya, ya, ya, ya... You lost something, Wendy? My husband. Can't help you there. In fact, I'm still trying to figure out why you're even here in the first place. We were invited. Not by me. There was an invitation in the mail. I didn't wanna come, but Brian was keen, so... I don't even like you. Yeah, got that much. Because you're all criminals. Wendy, things are gonna go a hell of a lot better between you and me when you just put that idea right out of your head. (KNOCK AT DOOR) You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Gidday, Rita. You better have the mother of all warrants. ALL: # Drink... # yourself more bliss. # Yeah, forget about the last one; # get yourself another... Yeah, I couldn't be more bloody proud of you two. Clear the way. Step back, please. Step back. Out of my way, please. Oh. Guess it wouldn't be a party without porkers, would it? Can I help you, gentlemen? Turn the music off. Why? It's not even dark. There have been complaints. I'll give you fucking complaints! It's OK, Dario. Let me take care of it, OK? (ALL CLAMOUR) Not the cake! Not the cake! This is police harassment, and you fucking know it. This is me, doing my job, Rita ` the one I actually have you to thank for. Hey, Rita, there's a problem, out there. Oh shit. Go back outside, Bert. Nothing for you here. You have no right, barging in... Brian? I've been meaning to tell you. I've fallen in love. # Forget about the last one; get yourself another. # (CROWD JEERS) (CLICK!) Hey! Constable Grant, isn't it? Yes, ex-detective McCarthy. I remember you. You were a loathsome little oink when I left. Things haven't improved. Please take a step back, sir. If you are here in broad daylight because someone doesn't like the fucking music, then you're fucking picking on these people. Do not swear at me again. Private property. Ted, you OK with me swearing on your property? Oh, yeah, go for your fucking life, Mike. So you, Cunt-stable,... (LAUGHTER) ...need to pull your head in. Or we pull it in for you. And listen to me. You've made your point, you've rattled your sabre ` now let the people get on with their party. Or else what? (TH' DUDES' 'BLISS') ALL: Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! What a showboat! Careful, Lefty ` that's the Mike I like. Oh, don't worry, my love. I'll come for you through the Tunnel of Love. (BEEP!) Get the fuck away! (LAUGHS) Yeah! (ROCK MUSIC) You knew about Brian and I? Yeah, we kinda saw youse the night of the hen party. You were watching us? Through the window, but not for, like, long. Phineas wanted to come in and rip Brian's head off, but I made him change his mind. Thank you for that. But I don't know what it means. What what means? You and him. With Bert, it was you wanted a baby. I still want a baby, just not from Bert. And I want a baby with Carol. But you've got Wendy. She doesn't want babies. Phineas, when you said I could find someone who would give me a baby, what did you think would happen when that baby came along? That we'd raise it together, as ours. I can't do that to Brian. Which means, Phineas, I want a divorce. God doesn't believe in divorce. There's no other way around it, Phineas. I love you, but I can't be complete while I'm with you. Phineas, mate, it's over. You know, walk away with your head held high. No, not without a fight. You want Carol, you fight for her. Phineas, you don't wanna do that. You're my wife! If I don't fight for you, what does that make me? You don't have to do this. Back up! Now! Clear the space! Ooh! Oh! What's going on? You need to stop this, mate. Otherwise someone is gonna get hurt. Stop what? Basically, Phineas and Brian are fighting for my honour, which, once upon a time would have got me wet beyond all belief. Actually... Bloody hell, Carol. Ted, you need to call Phineas off before he rips the little bugger in half. Yeah. Don't worry ` no one's gonna die. Brian knows how not to use lethal force. Come on. Come and get some. Your wife? I've already got her. (GRUNTS) Phineas, look. Carol says you're a very sweet man, and I would love it if one day we could all be friends. (GRUNTS) I grew up on the films of Bruce Lee, Phineas, started studying Jeet Kune Do ` the way of intercepting fist ` at a young age. They now say I'm the second deadliest man in Henderson. (GRUNTS) (CRASH!) (GRUNTS) No! Not the cake! (LAUGHTER) All in favour of escaping now? Aye. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Enough, Phineas. I will always care for you ` please know that ` but you need to move on. Come on inside, love. We'll get you a drink, get you tidied up. Won't we, Ted? Yeah, 'course. So, who's the deadliest man in Henderson? You don't wanna meet him. You know that when we come back tomorrow, the party will just be getting started again, right? What? This is it, isn't it? Is what? This ` this house, these people. I'm never escaping, am I? You mean apart from spending tonight at the Lincoln Green? No. Is that a bad thing? And your mother, she'll always be interfering in our lives, won't she? Yeah, but to be fair, she interferes in everyone's life. Yeah, but she specialises in us. Nah, that's not gonna change. So any babies I have,... she'll be right in there, telling me what to do, right? But I'll be there,... fighting her off. You swear? Absolutely. No matter what happens, what kind of dragon I turn into? Bring it on. So I guess I'm having this damn baby, then. (BOTH CHUCKLE) (SIGHS) (POIGNANT MUSIC) (MUSIC FADES) (CHEERING) Ah! Thought you could escape, did ya? Sneak off into the night,... Like the thief you are, cos of genetics and stuff. For God's sake, what's left for us to do? (TH' DUDES' 'BE MINE TONIGHT' PLAYS) (CHEERING) Get in there! # Asian cigarettes, # a long talk, a few cans if you can. # Be my bare-skinned baby. # We're in for a long night, a strong night. # Another smoke, # another can, # another conversation, # maybe... Welcome to the family. Thank you. You seem happier. Well, imagining you being a Grandma, when you're still running around pretending like you're 21. I look forward to a whole new world. You won't know what hit ya. I'm sure we'll see it coming. So, Mr Cheryl West, how's marriage treating you? Well, I'm standing out here waiting for my wife,... (CLEARS THROAT) which I guess is something I'm gonna have to get used to. So what I'm hearing is marriage kind of sucks. Nah. Nah, it's great. Wouldn't change it for the world. Hey, sis. Barry. Hey. Hey, Anne-Marie. Sorry for showing up so late. I thought you were in Australia. Flying out tonight. Just thought I'd drop in and say congrats on my way to the airport. Wolf, we need to flee while we have the chance. Hi. Hello. This is Sparky's sister, Anne-Marie. Pleased to finally meet you. Congratulations. Thanks. Um, sorry, we need to go. Bye, my brother-in-law. Bye, Mandy. WHISPERS: We are destined to fuck. And I will be the best fuck of your life. Bye, Cheryl. Hope you guys have a really good night. Love you. That was weird. I don't need to know. All right! Who wants this? (SHRIEKING) Ow! You bitch! Bye! You know what? Slutty Pants may have some redeeming features yet. (DOOR SLAMS) (CROWD CLAMOURS) I might take my leave too. You won't stay for a nightcap? My wife will already be wondering where I am. Lovely to meet you, Bilkey. And you, Malcolm. (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) Bugger. So to speak. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) You OK? We made it out alive. Mm. We did. That is not going to be pretty later on. Not our problem. (BOTH SMOOCH) (BOTH SMOOCH) You know how much I love you, right? I presume quite a bit, seeing as we just got married and all. And this in here... is gonna be just fine. In fact, to make up for last time, I wouldn't be surprised if it was twins. (LAUGHS) God no! Can you imagine how much hard work that'd be? But we'd be doing it together,... and that's the main thing. (STATIC HISSES) ('HINE E HINE') (SNORES) (CHEERING) Yeah. Yeah. Oh! Watch me! Watch me! Watch me! (THUD!) (LULLABY CONTINUES) Piss off, Eric. (LAUGHS) What, Lisa! What the`? Chelsea, hold my purse. For God's sake, child, what do you think you're doing? Lefty, get the bloody car! No, no. (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) Here. (GIGGLES) (GASPS) What are you doing? No. No. (SCOFFS) You wanna know the secret to a long and mostly happy marriage? This shit right here ` what happened today,... all of it. Are you really wasted? Do you know what our film needs? Somebody who actually knows how to make a film? A cool, mellow, laid-back song to go over the end bit where we see how everyone's night ended. Like Stairway To Heaven. Like that, except really not. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) DRAGON: # Slept downtown in a local bar, # drinking rum and smoking tar... Now, that was a wedding. Had its moments. # Ooh, babe, you been dancing round. # It don't matter what you do... You know, love and all that stuff ` it's pretty weird and hard work, eh? # It don't matter what they say... I reckon. # You can have me anyway. Let me know if you figure it out. # I'm still in love with you. # I'm still in love with you... (BOTH PANT) Mum! Lisa's spewed all down the hall! Then bloody clean it up! It's gross! (BOTH GROAN) # But you know that's a lie. You're so cruel. # Ooh. Oh, no, baby. # Oh, no, baby. # Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, baby... Remember our wedding? Vaguely. Still got the ring to prove it. Mm. No denying that. Cheap bloody things that they are. Hang on. Didn't you bloody promise that you'd go back and buy better ones when we had the money? # I played my cards, and I played them fast. You know, babe, it would never last. And I did that. # It don't matter what you do ` # I'm still in love with you. Wanna marry me, Mrs West? # It don't matter what they say... Yeah, go on. # You can have me anyway. I suppose you're not a bad catch. # I'm still in love with you. Best you'll ever get. # I'm still in love with you. # I'm still in love with you. # Still in love. Still in love. # Still in love. # Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018.