DAVID: Oh, come on. I saw you. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! You smashed the windscreen. I was there when it happened. I keep thinking about him ` what he did to you. I wanna go ahead with the complaint. I wanna go ahead with the complaint. What changed your mind? I wanna go ahead with the complaint. What changed your mind? Richard. It's great that you're here, but you do know that I'm still me. And I've always been kinda nuts. I love you. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me? Yes. MAC: Whose car is that? Hold on. Forgot your jacket. Thanks. # And the stars came out once the lights went out. And I could not speak, so I had to shout. # And the moon passed sadly by. # If it's too expensive to go away, there is always a vineyard, or a lodge. No. Fiji, it is. Definitely. Hi, girls, it's just us. Hi, girls, it's just us. DOGS YAP You all right there? Hi, girls, it's just us. You all right there? You all right there? I just left the brochures in the car. OMINOUS MUSIC ENGINE REVS TYRES SQUEAL DOGS CONTINUE YAPPING I suppose that if you do it once, even for the second time, you do it right. You OK? I just saw a car. And I` I think it might have been David. Are you sure? Are you sure? Yeah, it looked like his car. Are you sure? the same kind of car. Look, David is intelligent enough to know that if he comes anywhere near you... Yeah. And the investigators were really positive. We're on track. And the investigators were really positive. We're on track. Yeah, you're right. Aw, I'm sorry, girls. Did Mummy not give you any love? You're a good girl. And you, come here. You're a good girl too. Sorry for being paranoid. Just think about you and me, a white-sand beach. Oh, Fiji it definitely is? Oh, Fiji it definitely is? Whatever you want. The upside is... my sister will say it's too expensive, and my mother hates flying. Cunning. Cunning. Mm. How about your family? My mother would be over like a shot. My mother would be over like a shot. Cool. My mother would be over like a shot. Cool. If I told her about it. You haven't told your mother we're getting married? You haven't told your mother we're getting married? I haven't told her we're engaged. You haven't told your mother Why not? Right. Right. Maybe we should just get something at The Beagle. Right. Don't you want her to meet me? Trust me. You don't want to meet her. < KNOCK AT DOOR It's for me. Breathe. Relax. Relax. I'm breathing. I'm relaxing. Hi. Hello, Dexter. Hi. Hello, Dexter. Hey. Hi. Hello, Dexter. Hey. So. Off to a movie? We're seeing a film, yes. 'Andrei Rublev'. It's part of a Tarkovsky retrospective at the library. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. Oh, it's Russian, black and white, came out in the '60s. Never heard of it. It just got voted the best art-house film of all time. Come on. Wonderful. Tarkovsky! Honestly. This time last year all she wanted to watch was a Katy Perry movie. So, this Dexter person is 25? Yeah. She met him on a modelling shoot. Yeah. She met him on a modelling shoot. He's a model? Yeah. She met him on a modelling shoot. Photographer. Well, I guess she is 16. Photographer. Well, I guess she is 16. Only just. But that's almost a 10-year age gap. Well, I guess she is 16. But that's almost a 10-year age gap. But that's almost a 10-year age gap. When Maggie grows up, I'm buying a shotgun. Whereas Catherine is being cool, calm and reasonable. Whereas Catherine is being cool, calm and reasonable. Very reasonable. Whereas Catherine is being cool, calm and reasonable. He's too old for you! He's too old for you! I'm 16. He's too old for you! I'm 16. Only just! He's too old for you! So? I'm 16 and I can do what I want! I am being reasonable... now. And after the shouting, there was logic. Shall we pick our bonus rounds now? Shall we pick our bonus rounds now? How does the logical approach work? Shall we pick our bonus rounds now? to your teenager. It's about talking rationally to your teenager. I do think I had a fair point. I do think I had a fair point. Which was? It's a scientific fact, the part of I do think I had a fair point. is not fully developed until 20 and` It's a scientific fact, the part of the mind which makes wise decisions is not fully developed until 20 and` I love him. Celeste, I know Jules messed you round, and you miss him, but that is not a reason to` Oh my God! You think I'm some DI sluzz? EMMA: What's DI? EMMA: What's DI? Daddy Issues. And yes, you could be right. EMMA: What's DI? I met a few chicks who had the Daddy thing. They were always up for it. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Owww! (GRUNTS) Owww! Oh, shit! (GRUNTS) Sorry, honey, I was aiming for Brian. Eh? Eh? Not helping Catherine, dick. Eh? Not helping Catherine, dick. I am OK. If Celeste has nothing to rebel Not helping Catherine, dick. If Celeste has nothing to rebel against, she might stop rebelling. If Celeste has nothing to rebel against, she might stop rebelling. For sure, honey. OK, ladies and germs, let's get this show on the road. Round one starts now. Oh, hey. How did it go today? Oh, hey. How did it go today? It was fine. Oh, hey. How did it go today? It was fine. What was today? A session with the Health and Disability Commission investigators. A session with the Health and Disability Commission investigators. Name Michael Jackson's siblings. Oh my God. Oh my God. It was good. They were great listeners. Oh my God. Michael Jackson's siblings... Oh, and Richard has records of phone calls, emails, and proof that we even sat together on the plane. Wow, sounds like Dr Sleaze doesn't have a leg to stand on. He must be shitting himself. Janet Jackson. Who else? Uh, Marlon, Tito and Rebbie. Uh, Marlon, Tito and Rebbie. Hell, yeah. Uh, Marlon, Tito and Rebbie. And what about David? And what about David? There was a David Jackson? No. He's gone to ground. Got a lawyer. I think. Question two. In Maori mythology, who are the sky father and earth mother? Rangi and Papatuanuku. Rangi and Papatuanuku. Oh, you're on fire tonight, Emma. Rangi and Papa were embracing until their children pushed them apart to let the light in. Rotten, ungrateful children. Rotten, ungrateful children. (CHUCKLES) EMMA: So it's definitely gonna be Fiji? EMMA: So it's definitely gonna be Fiji? MICHELLE: All the way. Cos I've got to fly to New Plymouth next week for Dad's wedding. Cos I've got to fly to New Plymouth next week for Dad's wedding. < Are you OK with that? Well, yeah, I'm getting used to it. But, well, that, and Fiji ` I don't know if I can afford it. Oh, shut your mouth, I'm paying for you. Oh, shut your mouth, I'm paying for you. Shell, no, I couldn't. I can't ask you to be bridesmaid and then expect you to pay for it. Yeah, but` Yeah, but` You're coming, I'm paying, no arguing. OK. OK. It's my pleasure. Really. OK. It's my pleasure. Really. Thank you. It's amazing. Richard hasn't told his family ` well, his mother ` about the wedding. What? He doesn't want to invite her? What? He doesn't want to invite her? He hasn't even told her we're engaged. What? He doesn't want to invite her? Oh. Well, maybe they just don't talk much. Or he's embarrassed of me. Or he's embarrassed of me. No. He worships you, anyone can see that. Or he's embarrassed of me. to his Remuera Mummy. Not enough to introduce me to his Remuera Mummy. Not enough to introduce me to his Remuera Mummy. Shell... Not enough to introduce me He thinks she'll look at me and decide that I'm not good enough. But you're beautiful, successful; you have your own business. And she'll just think 'glorified cleaning lady'. And she'll just think 'glorified cleaning lady'. Well, she'll be wrong. Oh, shit. What am I doing? Oh, shit. What am I doing? You are about to marry the man you love` Oh, shit. What am I doing? No, I mean, I'm looking for problems that aren't there... necessarily. There isn't a problem. And Richard is perfect. There isn't a problem. And Richard is perfect. He is. I know that. And I love him. And the answer to question nine ` what was the name of the family in National Lampoon's Vacation? The answer was Griswold. And number 10 ` what was the Greek queen Jocasta famous for? Rooting her son. Rooting her son. Jocasta, the mother of Oedipus, was famous for getting it on with her boy. Too easy. Too easy. Jocasta obviously was. Too easy. Jocasta obviously was. Some mothers are closer than others. MUTED APPLAUSE Cory, what happened? Cory, what happened? Uh, it's not as bad as it looks. I just, uh, overdid it a bit. Cory, what happened? In what year did NZ and Australia first compete separately at the Olympics? You overdid training for Wellington? You overdid training for Wellington? If by training you mean downing a whole bottle of feijoa vodka You overdid training for Wellington? You overdid training for Wellington? Oh, dear. and then arsing it down the stairs. Oh, dear. and then arsing it down the stairs. Oh, dear. TEARFULLY: Bloody Amber Jane. Man, I wish I was at that engagement party. Man, I wish I was at that engagement party. CHUCKLING Laters. Laters. Laters. Laters. Laters. Have a good day. Laters. Laters. Celeste! You'd better move it. Celeste! You'd better move it. And do you have to shout at me all of the time? Hey, how was the movie? Hey, how was the movie? Amazing. So cinematic. Hey, how was the movie? another detention on Friday. Good. Now, go. You don't want another detention on Friday. I so don't. Cos I'm staying at Dexter's on Friday. I so don't. Cos I'm staying at Dexter's on Friday. (CHOKES) I so don't. Cos I'm staying Firstly, that should be a 'can I?', not an 'I am', and secondly` We're working on an art installation. We're working on an art installation. You need to stay overnight? You can't turn creativity on and off like a tap, Mum. You can't turn creativity on and off like a tap, Mum. I just... (STUTTERS) OK. I suppose. Thank you. Thank you. As long as you're sensible` um, careful, I mean. Thank you. I'm on the pill. Thank you. I'm on the pill. What? Wh`? Since when? It was mainly for my skin, and I knew you'd say no. It was mainly for my skin, and I knew you'd say no. I might... not have. Did they talk you through the side effects? No. They were dumb, cos you're the only doctor who knows anything (!) Celeste. Celeste. See ya. Condoms are important to prevent disease` When are you going to get that I'm not completely hopeless?! < DOOR SLAMS MELANCHOLY GUITAR MUSIC You OK? You OK? She forgot her lunch. CAR ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL CAR ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL Shit! You bloody idiots! OMINOUS MUSIC ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL (UPBEAT MUSIC) (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) SONG: # Oh, oh, hey! # Oh, oh, hey! (RATTLING) # Oh, oh, hey! # Oh, oh, hey! # VOICEOVER: Tic Tac. Refresh every little moment. ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL Hey! Hey, you! What'd you say to us, bitch? ENGINE REVS TYRES SQUEAL Hey, bitch, you better say sorry. OMINOUS ROCK MUSIC ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL MUSIC CONTINUES ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL MUSIC CONTINUES (PANTS) ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL ENGINE REVS Hey, we wanna talk to you. TYRES SQUEAL (PANTS) FRANK: He told Mr Grant to F off today in front of the whole class. FRANK: He told Mr Grant to F off today in front of the whole class. NOAH: Classic. > You OK? You trying to break a record or something? You OK? You trying to break a record or something? Yeah, something like that. (PANTS) Yeah, well, you're shaking. Yeah, well, you're shaking. I'm OK. What happened? Yeah, well, you're shaking. What happened? What happened? I just` Some guys in a car just followed me. What? They nearly bowled into me, and I gave them the finger, and they... followed. And I ran through the park to lose them. And I ran through the park to lose them. Shit. And they drove around, looking for me. And they drove around, looking for me. Did you get a rego number? What kind of car was it? What kind of car was it? A... sedan? A make? A model? What kind of car was it? A make? A model? A make? A model? I don't know. Hotted up, stupid stickers on the back. We should call the cops. A make? A model? No, it doesn't matter. It's over now. We should call the cops. No, it doesn't matter. It's over now. We should call the cops. They'll be off torturing small animals or something. I'm OK. I am. No, you're not. This is appalling. No, you're not. This is appalling. It's just all so tiring ` trying to be cool and reasonable, and I'm not! No, you're not. This is appalling. You shouldn't have to be. You shouldn't have to be. I hate the thought of her being with someone who's too old. You shouldn't have to be. And it's my fault. And it's my fault. Well, how's it your fault? > Jules. And it's my fault. Jules. Jules? Jules was a shit to Celeste, but you can't help that. Jules. and hadn't put my own happiness` If I hadn't walked away from him and hadn't put my own happiness` If I hadn't walked away from him and hadn't put my own happiness` You cannot take that on. I know it's not rational, but I wanna scream! I wanna throw something! And` Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here. Shh. I know it's been crazy. And-And of course you should be worried about her. But it'll be OK, all right? It will be. Hey, Dad, are we having dinner soon? Yeah, sure. GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC Hiya. Oh, my goodness, Richard. Is this her? Oh, my goodness, Richard. Is this her? Hi. Oh, my goodness, Richard. Is this her? Shell, this is Jocelyn. Jocelyn, Michelle. Shell, this is Jocelyn. Jocelyn, Michelle. Richard's mum. Shell, this is Jocelyn. Jocelyn, Michelle. Oh, nice to meet you. Oh, you didn't tell me she was a bombshell, Richard. (GIGGLES) Congratulations, Michelle. Uh, where's the rock? Oh, we haven't got a ring yet. Oh, we haven't got a ring yet. Oh. Hope you're not being tight, darling. Oh, we haven't got a ring yet. Oh, it's on the list. Oh, we haven't got a ring yet. Oh, it's on the list. Oh, on the list? Mm, along with telling your mother you're getting married? Mm, along with telling your mother you're getting married? I did tell you. Oh, he did finally get round to it. An hour ago. Oh, he did finally get round to it. An hour ago. Hmm, lovely (!) Oh, he did finally get round to it. I had to come round and make sure that wife number two wasn't a beige cardy wearer like the last one. wasn't a beige cardy wearer like the last one. Mum. No cardy here. like the last one. No cardy here. No cardy here. Oh, I can see that. Oh, and such beautiful breasts. Do you mind? Mum! For God's sake! Oh, they're real. I'm certainly impressed. Oh, they're real. I'm certainly impressed. Thanks. Oh, they're real. I'm certainly impressed. we're practically family now. I'd better be going. You've got champagne; I don't want to intrude. Would you like a glass? Would you like a glass? Oh, just a little one. Would you like a glass? Oh, just a little one. Good. Richie's pulled out all the stops tonight, so I won't cramp your style for long. Hey, you're welcome. I want to hear all about you. Good Grain is the best bread in town. I had no idea that was you. Oh, it's Vern who does all the baking. You're being far too modest. I'll just have a little splash more. You'd better have something to eat if you're driving. You'd better have something to eat if you're driving. Oh, no. I'm off carbs. I'm on the Paleo diet. I thought about trying that. I thought about trying that. Cheese wasn't around in Palaeo times. I thought about trying that. They had goats and things; they could've made cheese. I'm pretty sure they didn't have champagne. They didn't have clothes either, but I'm not going up Parnell Rise in my birthday suit. Richard, do you have to be so black and white about everything? Such a stickler. I was planning on serving dinner for my fiancee at quarter past, so... Ah. 'Sling your hook, Mother.' Charming, isn't it? Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Michelle, at last. And you're gorgeous and very very clever. And you two must come up to the house for dinner. I'm not taking no for an answer. We'll have to check our schedules; we're very busy. Oh, just leave it to Michelle and I. I'll Facebook you. Oh, just leave it to Michelle and I. I'll Facebook you. OK. Oh, just leave it to Michelle and I. I'll Facebook you. BOTH CHUCKLE Have a beautiful night, you two. Have a beautiful night, you two. Thank you. < DOOR SHUTS I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Wow. She is not what I was expecting. I am so sorry. This way, please. This does look amazing. GENTLE POP MUSIC DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS > # But the answer's always yes. # I don't remember when... Oh my God. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. I'm glad you like it. Does dinner truly have to be exactly at quarter past? I'm willing to be... flexible. This time. # But the answer's always yes. # Are you getting the bus, Celeste? Are you getting the bus, Celeste? I dunno. > Well, I'm leaving now so if you` Well, I'm leaving now so if you` And I don't. See you, Dad. See you, Dad. Have a good day, mate. Hey. Take it easy on your mum today, eh? Take it easy on your mum today, eh? Sorry? Take it easy on your mum today, eh? Sorry? She's got a bit going on ` probably doesn't need anyone hassling her about getting a lift. probably doesn't need anyone hassling her about getting a lift. I'm not doing anything. Catherine's being good about you and Dexter, even though she's finding it hard. So maybe you could just` So maybe you could just` God, I'm not listening to this. It's not a big deal, and maybe you` It's not a big deal, and maybe you` You're not my dad, so don't even. Whoa, I wasn't trying to be your dad. Whoa, I wasn't trying to be your dad. Shut up! You do not speak to Mac like that. If you are mature enough to have a boyfriend, you are mature enough to treat people with respect. If not, I will be rethinking my position. Am I clear? If not, I will be rethinking my position. Am I clear? Yep. Sorry, Mac. Sorry, Mac. Thanks. Just... Whoa. Scary Mama. Oh, I'm sick of it. Being walked over by... adolescents. Oh, I'm sick of it. Being walked over by... adolescents. That's more like it. Oh, I'm sick of it. Being walked over by... adolescents. I can be reasonable; I do not have to be a pushover. I can be reasonable; I do not have to be a pushover. Well, you've never been a pushover. I can be reasonable; I do How do you stay so calm through the teenage traumas? Well, for a start, it's easier when it's not your kid. Well, for a start, it's easier when it's not your kid. True. And at least Celeste isn't getting someone up the duff, or quitting school. I'm sorry for wigging out on you last night. Oh, come on. You got a fright; your teenage daughter's been taken over by aliens. It's fair enough. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. You can wig out on me anytime. BROODING POP MUSIC DEXTER: Yeah, who is it? DEXTER: Yeah, who is it? Catherine Duvall. Celeste's mother. You want a coffee? I've got stove top, or dirty old instant. You want a coffee? I've got stove top, or dirty old instant. No, thank you. I won't stay. I've been, uh, waiting for this visit. I've been, uh, waiting for this visit. Really? I've been, uh, waiting 'Course. Older man, younger woman. You've gotta be worried. Celeste is hardly even a woman. Look, I was as surprised as anyone. We met at a shoot. I invited her for a drink afterwards. And she said no because she had school the next day. And at that point I was like, 'Whoa, OK, backing right off.' But, uh, then we got talking. About photography, music, art... And her perspective is so fresh. Her ideas are great. She wants to stay here on Friday night. Yeah, yeah, we want to work on my latest series. Yeah, yeah, we want to work on my latest series. Yeah, that's what she said. Would you like to have a look? It's about stereotypes, age and beauty. You see my, uh, my grandmother says she gets a shock when she looks in the mirror because in her head she still feels like she's 30. That's her. And, uh, Celeste. It might not be your thing. No, I like them. Cool. It's kinda like the antidote to the fashion stuff I've been doing. It's such bullshit, man. Youth is prized over everything. Says the man with the teenage girlfriend. (CHUCKLES WRYLY) Guess I kind of walked into that one, eh? ROCK MUSIC GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES I don't know if there's anything you can do... We'll run a check on the rego and see what turns up. And we'll certainly go round and have a chat with them. And we'll certainly go round and have a chat with them. Really? And we'll certainly go round We do take these things seriously. Finish filling out your statement, and we'll go from there. Finish filling out your statement, and we'll go from there. Thank you. I couldn't believe my luck. There it was, parked right there. And you're sure it's the same car? And you're sure it's the same car? I'd know those charming stickers anywhere. I feel like going round there and giving them what for. I feel like going round there and giving them what for. And I'm sure they'd be terrified (!) The police are dealing with it; we don't have to think about it anymore. It's good to know the cops aren't completely useless. It's good to know the cops aren't completely useless. Constable Savage was very nice. It's good to know the cops aren't completely useless. DOOR SHUTS > You went round to Dexter's place. You went round to Dexter's place. Did you? I've had quite a busy day. I've had quite a busy day. You are so embarrassing! And have I ever turned up to parent teacher interviews dressed as the wooden doll from Worzel Gummidge? Who? Who? It's a musical. Anne did that? Who? Anne did that? Anne did that? Among other things ` all equally embarrassing. Anne did that? I think you'll find that as far as mothers go, I am quite reasonable. Whatever. Whatever. But I will worry and feel paranoid, and I will lie awake imagining Whatever. not apologise for that. and I will lie awake imagining worst-case scenarios. And I will not apologise for that. And I will still be doing it when you're 40. And I will still be doing it when you're 40. Kill me before I get that old. And I will still be doing it when you're 40. all. I thought you had strong views about a society which prizes youth above all. Yes. Yes. Get changed, and I'll give you a lift to Dexter's if you like. Yes. Booyah. BUOYANT POP MUSIC And what shall we bring? Done. See you tonight. Who was that? Who was that? Your mother. Oh, look at that expression. Who was that? I messaged her on Facebook. And she invited us to dinner tonight, and I said yes. Come on, honey. What's the worst that can happen? You could run screaming from this house, or my life. As if. We're not doing pointe until next term, even though we've been doing it since we were 12. She's a new teacher; give her a chance. Today we did fouettes! We are so past those. Today we did fouettes! We are so past those. Then let her know. Today we did fouettes! We are so past those. No way. She's totally scary. Can you say something to her? Can you say something to her? (LAUGHS) What? Can you say something to her? What? You just spent the night with your 25-year-old boyfriend, and now you want your mum to take on your ballet teacher? and now you want your mum to take on your ballet teacher? < Don't. You're smiling. take on your ballet teacher? You're smiling. You're smiling. I am not. You're smiling. I am not. You are. You're smiling. Oh my God! Oh my God! What? Oh my God. Natalie said I was a whore on Facebook the other day because of me and Dex. Who did? Who did? Natalie. From school. If she did this... I don't think she did. I don't think she did. Then who? I don't think she did. Then who? Um,... I'm not exactly sure. OMINOUS MUSIC We could just grab some Chinese and go back to mine? Come on, I'll hold your hand. You'll be fine. Come in, come in. Hi. I hope you like risotto. And before you say anything, I'm allowed a night off Paleo. Especially when we're entertaining. I could open the wine. I could open the wine. Oh, Beebee can do that. Uh, Beebee, they're here! Hey, Bud. And this is Michelle. Isn't she stunning? Michelle. Good to meet you. Michelle. Good to meet you. You too, uh, Beebee? Brett Buchanan. But I'm Beebee everywhere, even at work. Thanks for that, matey. < Rich called me Beebee, and it stuck. God, I didn't even know he had a brother. God, I didn't even know he had a brother. We're not related. Red, white or champagne for you, Michelle? Red, white or champagne for you, Michelle? Uh, bubbles, thanks, if it's going. Always. I assume you want the wine you brought. He's very particular. Always. I assume you want the wine you brought. He's very particular. Cheers. Good to have you round. Do you like? Do you like? Yeah, it's lovely. Birthday present from Beebee. Birthday present from Beebee. Oh, nice. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, turning 60, so Beebee thought of the perfect gift. What time's dinner? What time's dinner? Want to get it over with, do you? What time's dinner? Want to get it over with, do you? No, I'm just hungry. What time's dinner? Good. Beebee has outdone himself in the kitchen this evening. BOTH: Cheers. LANGUID GUITAR MUSIC How's work going, Richard? How's work going, Richard? Good. Much travel lately? A bit. He's always off somewhere. We never see him. So, Beebee, what do you do? Engineer. Ventilation systems. Engineer. Ventilation systems. He's doing very well. Everyone needs air, right? But how about you, Michelle? Clean and Handy, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. Is that how you and Richard met? Is that how you and Richard met? Ah, no, actually. We met through a mutual friend. Is that how you and Richard met? Lovely. Anyone I know? How about you two? How did you guys meet? How about you two? How did you guys meet? We met through Richard. How about you two? Oh. I didn't know you knew each other from work. No, we knew each other through kindergarten. No, we knew each other through kindergarten. Righto. Who wants some more`? No, we knew each other You don't want to finish the story? Beebee and I were best mates right through school until one day I found him shagging my mother. It was 25 years ago, Richard! Build a bridge. Your mother's made a real effort, and you behave like this! You're out of line! Don't talk to me like that! Don't talk to me like that! Stop it! Happy now? Huh? I'm-I'm really sorry, Michelle. DOOR SHUTS > DOOR SHUTS > Me too. Um, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go. Thank you for a lovely meal. I was in 5th form. And Dad had just left Mum; she was a total mess. He left for someone else? He left for someone else? His secretary. The old cliche. I didn't want to know. I was 16, and seeing my mother crying, it was` I stuck my head in the sand. Did my study, played my cricket, hung out with my friends. Did my study, played my cricket, hung out with my friends. Like Beebee. His own folks were divorced, he wasn't getting on with his mother. He'd crash at mine most weekends. < Uh-huh. < Uh-huh. Then School C accounting exam. I finished early, went home. There they were. There they were. God, he was that young? He went from crashing on my bedroom floor to sleeping in my mother's room. Oh my God. That's` That's` Embarrassing, humiliating. It was all around school. We were the freak show. So I left. So what did your mother do? Yelled and cried. But Beebee moved in pretty much straight away. Yelled and cried. But Beebee moved in pretty much straight away. < And still there? Still making me sick. Except now I'm the one with the problem. Still making me sick. Except now I'm the one with the problem. No, you're not. Not a freak show? Not a freak show? (CHUCKLES) You're a freak show survivor. Eyes, throat, balls! Eyes, throat, balls! CRASH! Thank you, Celeste. Thank you, Celeste. We learnt it in Health. You should take a class. Thank you, Celeste. Thanks. We'll see you tomorrow. Got someone coming round to repaint the door in the morning. You get through to the cops? Constable Savage said they paid the car owner a visit. But they can't do anything about the tagging because there's no proof it was them. Jeez, it's not rocket science. It's... Jeez, it's not rocket science. It's... I'm here for you, OK? Jeez, it's not rocket science. It's... Thank you. SOTTO VOCE: She's loving the drama. SOTTO VOCE: She's loving the drama. She's worried about you. At least it makes a change. I don't want her to be worried about me, like I'm some defenceless old lady. Well, in her books you are ancient. Maybe I should've let it lie. Maybe I should've let it lie. Well, let the dickheads get away with being dickheads? No way. It's just a bit of graffiti. Just some tough guy with a spray can. It's just a bit of graffiti. Just some tough guy with a spray can. Yeah. It's just a bit of graffiti. Just some tough guy with a spray can. But they know where I live. Hey. Hey. See you tonight. Hey. See you tonight. Do you want to go together? Hey. See you tonight. Bye. No, it's a nice day. I'll walk. Bye. See ya. Bye. See ya. Hi. Bye. See ya. All right. Here we go. CAR HORN BEEPS CAR HORN BEEPS Sheryl! Hi! How's it going? OMINOUS MUSIC I'm sorry, babies. It's only one night. And mummy is gonna take you for the biggest walk. Yes, she is. PHONE RINGS > Hello? Hello? It's Jocelyn. Richard's mother. Hello? Yep, I'm aware of that. Hi. Yep, I'm aware of that. Hi. Uh, how's Richard? He's fine. He's at work. Good. Uh, you have a moment to chat? Good. Uh, you have a moment to chat? Um, I'm just about to take my dogs for a walk. Right. Perhaps later in the day we could meet for a wine? It's just there are some things you need to know about Richard. Like? Like? Oh, I don't want to say it over the phone. Like? Sure. About 5-ish? I can text you. Lovely, thank you. Come on, you two. Mummy's gonna spoil you. Yes, she is. Yes, she is. CELESTE: What's for dinner? CELESTE: What's for dinner? Uh, I'm not sure yet. Are you getting a treadmill? Are you getting a treadmill? I was just thinking about it. Where are we gonna put it? Are you getting a treadmill? Where are we gonna put it? Where are we gonna put it? What's this? Where are we gonna put it? What's this? Mum wants a treadmill. Where are we gonna put it? What's this? I'm just having a look. I thought you hated them. I thought you hated them. I know. But there's the rain, and when it gets dark early, it... I thought you hated them. Mum, I told you. Eyes, throat, balls! Yeah, thank you, Celeste. It was just an idea. Hey, I was gonna meet Brian for a drink later, but I can cancel. Hey, I was gonna meet Brian for a drink later, but I can cancel. Don't be silly. Hey, I was gonna meet Brian for a drink later, but I can cancel. Because I understand if you're feeling a bit freaked out. Because I understand if you're feeling a bit freaked out. I am fine. Really. I'll be here. I'll look after you. feeling a bit freaked out. I'll be here. I'll look after you. I'll be here. I'll look after you. Eyes, throat, balls? I'll be here. I'll look after you. Eyes, throat, balls? FYI, it works. I'll be here. I'll look after you. You go, have a drink, say hi to Brian for me. We'll put the chain on the door. We'll put the chain on the door. That won't be necessary. You don't have to be brave. I can stay. No. I forbid you. You are having a drink with your friend. That's her 'don't mess with me' voice. That's her 'don't mess with me' voice. SOTTO VOCE: I know that voice. That's her 'don't mess with me' voice. LIGHT, JANGLY GUITAR MUSIC The coast is clear? The coast is clear? (CHUCKLES) He's not home till 6.30. I do love Richard dearly, but most of the time he looks like he's got a carrot stuck up his bum. When I met you, I-I thought, 'Now there's a vibrant, fun-loving, person.' Oh, not all the time. Oh, not all the time. Oh, nonsense. You're the opposite of him, really. Oh, not all the time. Uh, I was hoping, now that he's found you, that we could move on, repair the relationship. Right. Beebee and I are soulmates, Michelle. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. But Richard just can't` well, I mean, he won't accept us. Well, we were meant to be; surely 25 years is proof of that. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess. And what about Richard's father? I mean, he's putting it about with anybody who looks at him. So why isn't Richard angry at him? I'm sorry, I'm not too sure how I can help you. Ah. Beebee wasn't invited to Richard's first wedding. And he was devastated. And you can imagine what a miserable time I had ` you know, being there on my own. That's something you need to talk about with him. Oh, I won't get my hopes up. He's so stubborn ` you know, everything's black or white; there's no grey. Speaking of, does he still colour code his wardrobe? Sorry? Sorry? And the pantry. Cans in a line, labels to the front. Sorry? So much food you'd think there was a nuclear winter. This is what you wanted me to know about Richard? It's only fair to warn you. He is rather inflexible. Richard is decent, and he's kind, and he has principles. And I love him just for the way he is. Oh, you darling girl. Of course you do. I hope I didn't sound too mean. It's just... I want everyone to be happy. We will be. I hope so, Michelle. I really do. JANGLY GUITAR MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Bloody little shits. Poor Catherine. Bloody little shits. Poor Catherine. We should go round there. Bloody little shits. Poor Catherine. Oath, mate. Oath, mate. What's happened to the Cat? She got some shit from some dickheads when she was running. She took their rego and called the cops. Little bastards went round and tagged Mac's front door. Little bastards went round and tagged Mac's front door. Jesus. Little bastards went round She says she's OK, but I know it's got her rattled. Yeah, she acts real tough, but she's got a sensitive side. Mm. Mm. Bloody Amber Jane! What's bloody Amber Jane got to do`? What's bloody Amber Jane got to do`? If not for her, I wouldn't have injured myself. So? So? So I would have been out running with Cat. I think your mates are getting thirsty, Cory. I think your mates are getting thirsty, Cory. They can wait. So, what's the plan? I think your mates are getting thirsty, Cory. What? What? The 'tards hassling Cat. You're gonna let them get away with it? We weren't planning on it, no. We weren't planning on it, no. If that were my lady, I'd be protecting her. We weren't planning on it, no. The knight in shining armour doesn't wait for the maiden to ask him to go slay the dragon. We're fine, Cory. I've got the address. I've got the address. Great. Let's do it. You? I've got the address. You? You? Yeah, it's the Cat. I gotta represent. All right. Let's do it. ACTION MUSIC MAC: This looks like the place. MAC: This looks like the place. Don't pussy out now, mate. I wasn't going to. MUSIC CONTINUES Yeah? What do you want, crip? Uh, my mate here wants a word. If you want us to turn the music down, you can piss off. Actually, I want you to leave my girlfriend alone. Actually, I want you to leave my girlfriend alone. Girlfriend? You and your mates were hassling her the other day, followed her when she was out running. Maybe she should watch where she's going. Maybe she should watch where she's going. Stay away from her. You hear me? (SCOFFS) Whatevs. We haven't finished, shit-stain. We haven't finished, shit-stain. Jeez, Brian. What kind of piss-weak arseholes pick on a chick out running by herself? Wasn't us. Wasn't us. Was that your car? Wasn't us. Was that your car? Might be. You are sad. I bet you spend nights sitting here cry-wanking to your crap music and thinking of new ways to bully women because you're too piss weak to do anything else. You come near my friend again, and I will come over here and smack the shit out of you. Screw you. I think that did the trick. Another beer? BOTH: 'Cry-wanking'? BOTH: 'Cry-wanking'? It was just what popped into my head. And he looked like the type. Delicious. You will make someone a good wife some day. Well, if we run out of food, there's always the cans. Well, if we run out of food, there's always the cans. Right. Well, if we run out of food, there's always the cans. What is the thing with the cans? My mum stopped cooking after my dad left. I just always buy too many. She came round today. She came round today. What for? Just to make sure you were OK. Just to make sure you were OK. Shit. Sweetie, calm down. Actually, she was trying to lobby me to mend fences. Yeah, right. I've tried to be OK with her and Brett, but I'm just not. And you shouldn't have to be. And you shouldn't have to be. Really? You know, I'm glad I've met Jocelyn. Because now I know you have a thing. 'A thing'? 'A thing'? You know, my life is always so messy; we're still tidying it up ` 'A thing'? But you ` I always used to think you were so together. So perfect. And then you met my mother. And then you met my mother. And your stepfather. CHUCKLES: I'm sorry. I know it's not funny. CHUCKLES: I'm sorry. I know it's not funny. No. CHUCKLES: I'm sorry. You don't have to be so strong all the time. Especially not with me. I know what it's like to be a screw-up. And your mother is so not coming to our wedding. Really? Second time round we only have the people we want ` the people who know we're screw-ups and don't care. And then he said, 'I bet you sit there having a cry-wank to your crap music.' Oh, God. The look on the guy's face. The look on the guy's face. I can't believe you did that! You went round there. Well, they were making you scared to go out and do the thing that you love to do, and that's just wrong. You are very brave. You are very brave. Well, we did have Cory with us. You are very brave. Well, we did have Cory with us. Oh my God. He was pretty scary in his neck brace and his crutch and` He was pretty scary in his neck brace and his crutch and` Come here, my hero. BOOM! BOOM! Jesus! BOOM! Jesus! What was that? CAR ALARM BLARES Shit. < CELESTE: Oh my God! < CELESTE: Oh my God! Stay back! Mac, I've rung 111. Mac, I've rung 111. Thanks. CAR ALARM CONTINUES, FLAMES CRACKLE Maybe we shouldn't have taken things into our own hands, but Catherine was scared, and I wanted them to stop. and I wanted them to stop. That was a little unwise. But at least our friends were caught in the act. Your neighbour got the plate, a description. They'll be arrested? They'll be arrested? We've got a unit picking them up now. That's good. That's good. And the main thing is, there was no real damage. That's good. Hey, it's just a car. I just hope it's over. < Righty-oh. Thanks. Right, well, I'll hear from you soon then I hope. Bye. Right, well, I'll hear from you soon then I hope. Bye. Insurance company? Right, well, I'll hear from you soon then I hope. Bye. ashtray. They're investigating. I mean, what is there to investigate? My car's an ashtray. Use mine. I don't mind walking. Use mine. I don't mind walking. It's fine. Hi. CELESTE: Hey. CELESTE: Hey. I thought you were off to an exhibition. We're just on our way, but I wanted to drop something off. For you. It's one of mine. Oh. (GASPS) (GASPS) Wow. (GASPS) Wow. That is gorgeous! Celeste was saying you've been having a bit of a bad time, so... Celeste was saying you've been having a bit of a bad time, so... I love it. Thank you. Well, we should probably get going. Well, we should probably get going. See ya, ma. Well, we should probably get going. See ya, ma. Bye. Enjoy it. Well, we should probably get going. We will. He really is not so bad. Did he mention it was my idea? Did he mention it was my idea? Such a good idea (!) Mac's car got torched. Did he mention it was my idea? There are sacrifices in every battle. But anything for you, Cat. What a plonker. What a plonker. Possibly. What a plonker. So, have you got a new car yet? No. Still working it out with the insurance company. No. Still working it out with the insurance company. Right. > And how are you, honey? with the insurance company. No. Still working it out Much better. And Dexter gave me this wonderful photograph of Celeste. And how are you, honey? Much better. And Dexter gave me this wonderful photograph of Celeste. Dexter the 25-year-old? Dexter the 25-year-old? Mm-hm. Dexter the 25-year-old? Mm-hm. So you approve then? Dexter the 25-year-old? When it comes to your daughter's boyfriend, there is no perfect guy. (CHUCKLES) Honey, there's no such thing as the perfect guy, full stop. Oh, apart from mine. Hey, Brian. Why exactly do I need to come outside? Well, you do know we could lose the lucky table. All right, hang on a minute. Hey. Oh, you finished it. Yep. Yep. Top job. Yep. Top job. Yeah. And it's yours, mate. What? What? You need wheels. And here they are. Bullshit. Would I bullshit about the Triumph? Wow. That's the most bro-mantic things I've ever seen. It'll be the making of you, mate. It'll be the making of you, mate. The making of him into his father? It'll be the making of you, mate. The making of him into his father? Hey, quiet in the cheap seats, eh? I don't know what to say. The making of him into his father? I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Thanks? I don't know what to say. Thanks? Well, thanks. You just look after her for me. Thanks? You just look after her for me. You just look after her for me. Well, I will. Well, I assume you want her back at some stage. You just look after her for me. Mate. So, if I told you I was thinking of getting a bike... So, if I told you I was thinking of getting a bike... Aww. Then I would say which one of you's going to be John Travolta? You or Mac? Eh? Eh? Wild Hogs. You haven't seen it. (LAUGHS) Coco! Chanel! (WHISTLES) Girlies. On the balcony? Oh, probably sulking because I left them out there. OMINOUS MUSIC (GASPS) (CRIES) (CRIES) Did you leave them this? (CRIES) SOBS: No. SOBS: Oh, my babies. Oh, my babies. Captions by Jessica Boell. www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.