* www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 SIREN WAILS TYRES SCREECH Let's go! DRAMATIC MUSIC BLARES, DROWNING OUT POLICE RADIO HELICOPTER WHIRRS This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas. RADIO: We're on the south side of Washington... MULCAHY! Sir! Secure the sidewalk! No-one in or out! Yes, sir! VOLLEY OF GUNFIRE MAN: Got a present for you! Pigs! Damn you! Let the children go! Damn you, Ripper! Let the children go! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SLATER! Don't even think it, Slater, you hear me?! Sit and wait for the REAL hostage negotiator! Goddammit, Jack, I'm talking to you! The last time you pulled this jive jitterbug pop gonad takeout shit, people lost body parts! Now, you go in there, and it's your badge! As mayor of this metropolis, you and I have had our tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant-Governor! Slater...ugh! When the Governor arrives, call me. Slater's attempting to enter. Do not let him in! Repeat - do not let him in! Piece of cake. Hey, you want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres! Dekker, the next one I'll hurt. DEKKER ON RADIO: Slater, don't go in there! There's an officer in the building! I say again, there's a plain-clothes officer in the building! CHILDREN SCREAM (Children whimper and scream) Jack! What kept you? Dad! Andy here's been getting nervous. I promised him you'd come. I gave my word of honour he can watch you die. Lose the cannon. Has he hurt you, Andrew? Hurt, Jack? Did you say 'hurt'? What do you know about hurt, Jack?! You put me in a cage for 10 years. You should've gotten the death penalty. Yeah, woulda, shoulda, coulda - yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Things crawling around in your head. Sitting on my chest when I wake up. Do you know what that's like, Jack? It was your illegal search that rendered the bloody axe inadmissible. Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun. Alright. I'm unarmed. So let the boy go. Just one gun, Jack? (Laughs) You gotta be kidding! Is that all, sport? Yep. That about does it. Then step away. Chop chop! Oh...unless...er... ..you consider THIS a weapon. (Unpins grenade) (Children whimper) Brilliant, Jack, brilliant. I surrender. It's a live grenade. Right, Jack, right, right. You're gonna sacrifice your own child to get to me. I'm very flattered, but I doubt it. Andy, pick up the grenade. Come on! Show it to me! That's good. Right there. Jack...that toy can't hurt the boy. METAL WHOOSHES But this one can. Ugh! Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! (Children scream) Focus! Hey, come on! Focus! Hey! People are trying to sleep! Yeah, right. The film is out of focus. The film is out of... Never mind. NICK! NICK! Nick? Nick? Nick, you OK? What? The climax is on the fritz. Oh! Right. Right. Aw! I never used to do that, Danny. It's OK. I've seen this Slater six times. I just got worried. You know...the new Jack Slater opens this weekend at the Odyssey. Like I didn't know that? "They killed second cousin! Big mistake!" Pchhhhhhow! 'Jack Slater IV'. (Chuckles) Well, I'm checking the print tonight...midnight. Just myself. I...er...I could arrange for you to gain admittance - that is, you know, if that sort of thing appeals to you. See it before it opens?! Yeah. Who do I have to kill? Nobody. You just have to get to school. If you hurry, you'll only be four hours late. NOISY SLEAZY STREET SOUNDSCAPE WOMAN: Treachery, conspiracy, sex, swordfights, madness, ghosts. And in the end, everybody dies. Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' couldn't be more exciting. And though it may seem that he is incapable of taking any action, he is in fact one of the first action heroes. What you are going to see is a scene from the film by Laurence Olivier. Some of you might have seen him in the Polaroid commercial... ..or as Zeus in 'Clash of the Titans'. O bosom, black as death! (Children giggle and guffaw) Help, angels! All may yet be well. (Hamlet thinks) Now he is praying. And now I'll do it. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Thinks) And so he goes to heaven... Don't talk! Just do it! ..this same villain send to heaven... Hey, Claudius. You killed my father. Big mistake. VOICE-OVER: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. And Hamlet is taking out the trash! Stay thy hand, fair prince. Who said I'm fair? No-one's going to tell THIS sweet prince goodnight. To be...or not to be. Not to be. WOMAN: The whole morning? He wasn't? No, I said, "He wasn't." He wasn't at school today. Sick as a lamb, poor dog. Regale me with the story of your life, starting this morning, 8:30, first period, American history, and make this really good. I mean something along the lines of, "I cut so I could donate a kidney." You were at the movies again, weren't you? And that crazy old guy's an accessory. Nick's not crazy. Oh, dammit, Danny! You know, I'm in there lying to a principal - me, a charter member of the PTA! And what for? So you can go to the movies? Sorry. I didn't choose any of this. I didn't say, "Let me see what it would be like to be a widow before I'm 40." I know that. Give me a hug. I won't cut again. Let me hear the 'P' word on that. Promise. Alright. Oh, Jesus, I'm late! I've got to get to work. Alright, I'm going. Lock the top lock the minute I close the door, OK? And do not open this door for anyone. 'Bye. 'Bye. TV: She called her mother in and they're trying to do something... I can't wait to see... ..continue to be a big problem... ..traffic... Long rice for one reason... LAUGHTER Whatcha eating? Nothing, maggots! LAUGHTER WILD APPLAUSE EERIE MUSIC You alone? Uh-huh. OK. Move it! Do yourself to the drain. Whoa-ho! Tough guy. (Throws down knife) Do it. I'll make it easier for you. Go ahead. Do it! What is it with you?! You got junk! No jewellery! No VCR! A shit TV that'll get me 20 bucks. Go fish, amigo. Remember, now, your mom says you're to go straight home. She'll be there when the shift is over. Yes, sir. If we find the guy, I'll give you a call. Nick! Nick! Come on! I about gave up on you. Sorry. Well, what do you think? Well...I've never seen anything like it. It's not too tight, is it? No. No, it's...it's the style. I always wanted to be a magician. But my hands - they're too tiny. My father, he was bookkeeper here and he got me my first job - usher. We were still a vaudeville house. Then I worked myself up to projectionist. It's not much, but it's still show biz. So...er...is the print ready to roll? Oh, just a minute, young man! Aren't we forgetting something? SLAM! MYSTERIOUS MUSIC A ticket. You gotta have a ticket, Danny, to see a movie. And have I got just the one! See, when I was about your age, Harry Houdini played this theatre and my pop took me backstage to see him after the show. And he made a gesture, Houdini did, like this. And all of a sudden... WHOOSH! ..THIS was in his hand. And he said to me, he whispered, he said, "This is a magic ticket. "It was given to me by the best magician in India "and it was given to him by the best magician in Tibet. "It's a passport...to another world. "It was mine...and now it's yours." And now it's yours. What's it do, Nick? I never had the courage to find out. I had the ticket for years and I wanted to try, but... ..I guess I was afraid it wouldn't work. I was your age. Houdini was like a god to me. What if he was faking? And then again... ..what if it did work? Yeah, well, what if it did? Well...Houdini said something else to me. He said, "This ticket has a mind of its own. "It does...what it wants to do." And that always made me just a little edgy. Well...I guess there's only one way to find out, then, right? (Whispers) Right. MAGICAL MUSIC Please retain your stub, sir. Shall we see if Mr Slater wins this time? Jack Slater can't lose! Never has! Never will! (Nick chuckles) ACTION MOVIE MUSIC HEAVY METAL SONG: # I am so enraged # My mind starts to smoke # Oh, it's mental overload # Angry again, angry again, angry Ow! # MAN WITH ITALIAN ACCENT: Ah, Frankie. Frankie, Frankie. Frankie, why you keep on with the insults? I would never insult you, Mr Vivaldi. When you lie...that's an insult. I know you're Jack Slater's favourite second cousin in the whole world. You all the time talk to each other. I gotta know what Slater knows. And you are going to tell me, huh? Does he know that my mob and Torelli's mob have just signed a secret pact to control... ..to control all the drugs in southern California? Uh...we mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns. (Snaps fingers) BULLET WHIZZES ITALIAN MAN: Meet Mr Benedict. The genuine article. And...you better believe it - sometimes he likes to bake while he's shooting people. What I'm saying is Mr Benedict can take you out as easy as cake. Pie, you Sicilian shmuck. The man...is...a surgeon. You want me to make him... operate on you? I swear I don't know! Dump him at his place, huh? But...er...take it easy. He bought it. He actually believes me and old man Torelli are banding together. Beauty part is nobody knows different - not till after the funeral. Then everybody knows! Huh? Everybody knows... ..Tony Vivaldi... ..is number one. You're gonna pay. Ooh, are you gonna pay! * Are you sure this is the right address? This don't look like no crack house to me. Do you want 60 guys dancing on the lawn, throwing cocaine around? Just kick the door in. DRAMATIC MUSIC What's up, guys? Quiet! This is a drug bust. A drug bust? You must be joking. My second cousin Frank lives in there. The only drugs you'll find in there are aspirin. If you touch his front door, you're gonna need them. Maybe there's been a mistake. We received an anonymous tip. Frank? Frank? Frank! Frank? Frank! Jack. Jack, listen to me. Who did this? Listen to me. This is important. Tony Vivaldi...and the Torelli mob...are joining forces. I'm outta here. (Gasps) Frank! Frank! I'm sorry, Frank. FUNERAL MARCH FROM THE 'EROICA' SYMPHONY PLAYS SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC It's a bomb! He's OK. Minor wound. Both cops dead. (Officer coughs) Two days to retirement. TYRES SCREECH HEAVY METAL RIFF ENGINE ROARS MACHINE-GUN FIRE AC/DC'S 'BIG GUN' PLAYS MUSIC FADES TINGLING SOUND 'BIG GUN' PLAYS (Fires gun) MUSIC FADES Um...Nick? Hello? HISSING NICK! EXPLOSION MUSIC BUILDS TO CRESCENDO SILENCE (Fires gun) Whoa! Who the hell are YOU?! Don't shoot me! I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid. TYRES SCREECH How did you get here? I'm not sure where 'here' is but you don't wanna know. Close your eyes, stay flat and don't move! TYRES SQUEAL HEAVY METAL BLARES (Fires machine-gun) TYRES SCREECH You're driving with no hands! Think it's easy? You have to practise. And never, ever do it in heavy traffic. (Fires) (Screams) (All scream) Iced that guy - to cone a phrase. Whoa! Wait a minute! The bad puns, the voice, the hard rock - this is happening. This is really happening! HISSING This is NOT happening. Repeat - this is NOT happening. TYRES SCREECH Whoooo! (Screams) RACY ROCK INSTRUMENTAL WAILING ELECTRIC GUITAR (Danny's scream reverberates) Whooooooooo! BOOMING THUD (Groans) I booted - sorry. I thought I was gonna die. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation AND your first divorce. SCREECHING HEAVY METAL AND MACHINE-GUN FIRE HORN BLARES MUSIC CLIMAXES Does this suck weenie or what? This is a movie set! This is a movie set! That's how the scenery changed, right? DRAMATIC ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC ENGINE REVS FEROCIOUSLY You're gonna play chicken, aren't you? Just like Jack Slater! ENGINE ROARS Fasten your seatbelt, please. You have fingers? Close as many as you can. ENGINE ROARS ENGINE SCREAMS TYRES SCREECH Whooooo! (Women scream) (Screams repeatedly) GENTLE MUSIC BOX MUSIC I'm in the movie! Holy cow! I'm in the movie! HISSING Nick, Houdini wasn't faking! EXPLOSION FUNKY HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL Jack! Did you see that? HIP-HOP SONG Whoa! I was just in a REAL police station! And this is MUCH nicer! Hey, Slater! It's your ex-wife on two! You stay. She's always calling me. Hello, sweetheart. How are you? It's so nice to hear your voice. Whirler! You're partnered up with Waterman. Oh, give me a partner, Sarge. Uh-huh...that is right. Uh-huh...yeah. Of course. No, just as you said. SLATER ON TAPE: Yep...uh-huh... Rauschop, you're teamed up with the Rabbi. Oi vey! Kid. TAPE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh...uh-huh...mm-hm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh... How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice! John Practice, you old SOB! What are you doing away from Washington? The Bureau thinks something strange is going on between... This is top-secret... The Vivaldi Mob is joining forces with the Torellis. Damn it, Jack! How do you do that? I'm not parked behind a desk all day, eating those donuts. Those are government donuts, my friend. It's not easy work. I gotta call PC. Good for you. Watch it, Jack! He killed Mozart! In a movie? 'Amadeus'! It won eight Oscars! I saved his life in 'Nam. I'll be on the lookout. Thanks. Now, NO MORE MOVIES! MAN: SLATERRRRRRRR! The City Council's chewin' my eggs off for that plane you crashed! The Mayor's scheduling parades up my leaking tunnel for that stunt on the beach! Everybody wants to know what it will be. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! I'm just doing my job. You've given this Department the worst reputation in the country! I've got the Chamber of Commerce doing cartwheels in my cocoa factory! SARGEANT: Radcliffe, you're pulling duty with the animated cat. Hiya, toots! (Squeals) (Laughs) Get away! I'm gettin' a flea bath later. Join me? You touch me again, fur ball... Wait! I can prove this is a movie! Shhh! Who the hell are you, kid?! Look out there! A cartoon cat! He's back on duty. He was only suspended for a month. Now, shut up. Listen to what I'm saying. An animated cat just walked into the squad room. HELLO! He'll do it again tomorrow. What's your point? That cat's one of my best men! Who is this twerp? Why is that smile on his face? I love the way you fight. I know how you really feel about each other. Pray, tell! How DO I feel about this weird-lookin' sack of puppy poo? You're dearest friends. After your wife left you for the circus midget, Jack said he drove her to New England to the diphtheria clinic. When he came back, you said, "You saved me from public humiliation, Jack. "You're my dearest friend." And you promised me you wouldn't tell! I didn't. Well, how did he know?! 'Jack Slater I'. What's WINNIN' got to do with this? NO! The very FIRST Jack Slater! You told your dad?! I didn't tell ANYONE. I don't even KNOW this kid. DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC Well, he seems to know a lot about us. No such number! No such name! New York's never heard of you, Mr Madigan! What's your real name? Danny Madigan. Where you really from? 355, West... How'd you get in my car? I... I fell off a walk-over bridge, slipped into your car. He saved my life. Truth at last. Now, why were they after you? My second cousin Frank found out some crucial drug information... I wouldn't put too much faith into what Vivaldi told him. How do you know Frank mentioned Vivaldi? I know a lot about what's going on. If you'd just listen... Alright, son, I got the perfect listener for you. Meet your new partner. Oh, no. DRAMATIC GUITAR RIFF Better to die. You're gonna love it, Jack. We're perfect buddy movie material. I'll teach you to be vulnerable, you'll teach me to be brave. Hi. I'm Jack Slater's new partner. Jack and I will work together for the duration of the film. LIGHT-HEARTED ORCHESTRAL MUSIC You know I'm right! If this was the real world, they wouldn't make me YOUR partner, they'd send me to a social worker. Here's one. How do I know they tortured Frank and stashed him behind his door? Because I saw it all on screen! Because this is a movie! You're very clever. The only reason I'm not roaring with laughter is because someone killed my favourite second cousin. That's a big... Big mistake. That IS what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that? No-one likes a smart-ass. OK, then shoot me. That's right, take your gun, point it at my head and pull the trigger. Come on, do it. I double-dare you. You're not gonna do it, are you? And you know why? Because people like you don't kill kids in movies. Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy. You really believe you're inside a movie? Yes! Alright, I'll give you 10 minutes to prove it. Then I shoot you. CRASH MAN: Slater! Quick! Where are the Schwarzenegger films? Foreign films are in the back. No, action! This guy's an action star. Down the centre, on the left. No! It isn't possible! What's not possible? He's fantastic. It's his best performance ever. But...that was YOU! YOU were in that movie! You were in a movie? Yes. It was called 'The Girl Of My Dreams'. It starred you. As a matter of fact, we had this very romantic scene together. What's the phone number of this store? 555-2310. OK, what's your home number? It's OK. You can give it to him. I'm a police officer. 555-3812. Amazing. I'm willing to bet that everyone has a 555 number. So? So, there can only be 9,999 numbers that start with 555. How many people live in LA? 8 or 9 million. Aha! That's why we have area codes. Oof! Is this YOUR kid? This? Oh, no. This is a mental patient. I'm gonna take him downtown. Come on. OK, what about this girl right here? She's way too attractive to be working in a video store. I agree with you. I think she should be working with us - undercover, of course. Look, the point is, there are no unattractive women here. I mean, where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie! No, this is California. By the way, thanks - it was really sweet, the way you got this girl's phone number. OK, Mr Non-Believer. I'll take you to the house where your cousin Frank was tortured. OMINOUS MUSIC I've seen it on screen. It's kinda like that one. Except it's gotta be on the other side of the road, 'cause it's got an ocean view. Listen, there's something you don't understand. This ticket is magic and it really works. Any second we're gonna drive right into a theatre. Maybe I need to warm it up first. Of course. My decoder ring has to warm up too, all the time. OK! OK! The house looked European, like when you get a postcard from Italy. Like that. In fact, JUST like that one! The bad guys are in there. Huh. You know something, I think you should be wearing this. I don't think I've earned it yet. You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. You just revolutionised the entire history of police training. All those years at the Academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, in criminal psychology, when all I had to do is drive around the neighbourhood, point at a house and say, "The bad guys are in there"! You think you're funny, don't you? I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger. Schwarzenegger. Gesundheit. (INSECTS CHIRP) (TICKET RIPS) (DRUMROLL) (DRUMROLL CONTINUES) (DRUMROLL STOPS) Whoo...! (SCREAMS) I won! Arggh! Hah...yeah! VOICEOVER: The Monopoly game is here! Get that peelin' feelin' with Suzuki scooters, Caltex fuel gift cards and millions more prizes. Peel in store and more. * May I help you? Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house? I beg your pardon? It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house? Be ready for anything. Wait, where are you going? I'll be back. You didn't know I'd say that, did you? That's what you ALWAYS say. I do? Everybody waits for you to work it in. It's kinda like...your calling card. Shit. I understand you're interested in drug dealers. Yes... That's him - the henchman with the glass eye! Sir, are you a henchman? No, I only go as far as lackey. Will there be anything else? Yeah. Take off your sunglasses. Who's asking? The Tin Man. Well, Tin Man, suppose you hit the bricks? No, they're the wrong colour. Are they? Oh, dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you? SNARLING (All snarl softly) Make no mistake. They are exceptionally well-trained. (Snaps fingers) (Dogs grunt) I snap my fingers again and sometime tomorrow, you emerge from several canine recta. Or you and Toto can go back to the Land of Oz. Questions? Yeah. (Opens lighter) Two of them. Why am I wasting time with a dimestore putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like rearranging my sock drawers? And two - how exactly are you gonna snap your fingers after I rip off both of your thumbs? (Dogs whimper) OMINOUS MUSIC BUILDS Have a nice day. He had a bullseye, when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss. He calls him a Sicilian shmuck. OMINOUS RUMBLING CRASH! How did Slater find out? Will you tell me?! I want him to join me but he's nuts! Keeps going after the bad guys. Where's it written I'm a bad guy? Find out who talked and have him killed. THEN...Slater. Hey. HEY! What's with you? We should change the funeral arrangements. Are you crazy?! When I say 'bloodbath', there is... BOTH: A bloodbath. I'm going to find out more about Slater's short friend. That guy's GOTTA be guilty of something. He's guilty of acting like an asshole. If I arrest him, I have to arrest half of Congress. Why'd we park back there? In case my ex-wife is around. Don't worry, she's not. Her name wasn't in the credits. Kid...who does the doctor treat? Patients. Look at my elbow. What is it doing? Wearing thin. Bingo! Jeez, that was a stretch! Wow! Is this what you drive on the weekends? No, it's my little girl's car. Come on, knock on the door. I told you, your ex-wife's not home. (Knocks on door) Her name wasn't in the credits. Mmmm-mmm! Meredith? I hope you mean Whitney. Sorry, Whitney. You're not Skeezy, are you? Daddy! Oh, my God! (Shrieks) You've gained some weight! Hi. I'm Danny Madigan. I realise I haven't had that long of a life but I want you to know, from now on, it's all gonna be downhill. Sweetheart, you look wonderful! Thank you. So, who's your friend? He's cute. No, he's not cute. He's hopelessly insane. Soon he'll tell you he loved you in 'Gone With The Wind'. This is her first movie. See? Now, who is Skeezy? It's just a sorority thing. They assign you a freshman and when he comes to the door, you kiss him. You HAVE to kiss him? Oh, Dad! Go on! Would you grab the phone and if it's for me, I'll be out of the shower in less than one hour. What a cutie. That's old evidence - counterfeit case. Looks real, doesn't it? Turns funny colours when you burn it. Try using it for alimony. OMINOUS MUSIC What's wrong? You don't have a cigar, do you? "I'll be back." I know, I know. DISTANT SOUND OF SCREAM DRAMATIC MUSIC WHOOSHING SOUND ANDY: Dad! Dad! (Fires gun) ANDY'S SCREAM ECHOES AND FADES GUNSHOT SCREAM ECHOES AND FADES DRAMATIC MUSIC He would've been your age. I know. The Ripper killed him three years ago. Pulled him down off the roof. Your dad saw everything. How did you know all that? Your pop gets in the papers a lot. I'm interested in crime stories. TAP AT DOOR Oh, that's Skeezy. I'll get rid of him. DRAMATIC MUSIC Hello, Toto. Ugh! There...there...and there. (Whitney screams) Let go of me! LET GO OF ME! (Screams) Stop it! Evening. Uncle Jack around? Mr Slater's off tracking a lead somewhere. (Whitney screams) Joe, would you teach her the virtue of silence? Right. Benedict, if you harm a hair on her head... Stop! PLUCKING SOUND SQUEAKING SOUND PLUCKING SOUND DRAMATIC MUSIC You were saying? (Laughs evilly) Now... ..I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said that if you eliminate all logical solutions to a problem, the illogical, however impossible, is invariably true. You see, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan. What I don't understand is how you know mine. Slater showed me some mug shots. We made your face easy. (Snickers) Daniel Madigan from New York City. Awfully long way away from home, aren't you? When did you get here? Just. Now, how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace? I heard a recording. Microphones in the statues, are there? You wouldn't believe how many. And the eye I WAS wearing? I saw it. I saw it in a movie. There are micro-cameras in the statues. I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you. TENSE MUSIC Look, whatever this is, it's between you and Slater. There's some money in the desk. Take it, and leave me and Meredith...Whitney alone. Holy shit, boss. Looks like $2K in here. Just a minute. Give it to me. These bills are marked, aren't they? You were trying to sucker me with marked bills, weren't you? (Clicks tongue) Burn it. (Grunts) Burn it? Yes. Burn it. Don't play games with grown-ups, little boy. You will get hurt. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Screams) (Screams) Stop it! Stop it! (Grunts) Big mistake. (Hollers) (Grunts) (Yelps) Ooooh! BONES CRUNCH (Shrieks triumphantly) Ha! It's great, isn't it? I will hurt you just a little bit, but you'll see... Freeze! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey! Yes! You kill me and I'll kill him. KNOCK AT DOOR (Groans) Leave it. Get the door. (Men cock guns) EXCITING MUSIC Boss? Hi! ELECTRICITY SPARKS SIZZLING AND CRACKLING TOTAL SILENCE DRAMATIC BURST OF MUSIC Don't give up your day job. (Cries out) (Clicks fingers) LOUD THUMP (Man groans) (Roars) LOUD CRACK GUN COCKS Jack! MEN COUGH AND SPLUTTER Don't leave home without it. CAR BRAKES SQUEAL Go! TYRES SCREECH INTENSE ANGRY MUSIC Where are you going? Got to catch the red-eye. I don't believe this! I'm in the movie, and... TYRES SCREECH I'm in the movie and missing the best action! EXCITING MUSIC Punch it! Let's get the hell out of here! ENGINE ROARS TYRES SCREECH GLASS TINKLES Go back up the top! Next time we get thicker armour... ..like a tank. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC TENSE MUSIC Chicken it is. TENSE MUSIC BUILDS This is going to work! It's a movie. I'm a good guy. This has got to work! I'm a comedy sidekick! Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! It's not going to work! (Screams) (Continues screaming) Whoooaaaaa! LOUD THUMP (Woman screams) (Grunts) GLASS CRASHES (Groans) BELL TINKLES FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Well, I think I scared them pretty good. You did great. Come on. Benedict's got the ticket. That's too bad. I wanted it for my collection. BEETHOVEN'S 'MOONLIGHT' SONATA PLAYS Blanche isn't here. She won't be back for two hours. I'm going to wait for her. STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS It is a shame...but so romantic. TELEVISION SHOW CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY MAN: We'll be right back after this commercial announcement. MAN: If you're looking for a new used car, give me first crack at the deal... MAGICAL CRACKLING Now, here's a nice car - a '73. This is a Landau - top power steering, power brakes, airconditioning. $9,099... WHOOSHING We've got pick-ups - $29,099. Here's another one. This is a long van. This is $39,099 again. Give me first shot... WHOOSHING EERIE MUSIC THEME FROM 'TWILIGHT ZONE' PLAYS ON TV ROD SERLING: You're travelling through another dimension... * My name is Skeezy - S-K-E-E-Z-Y, sir. Um, S-K-E - no I-E. Say this. Hey, grow up. Just say this one word. Is this another one of your movie proofs? Maybe. Kid, I don't want to say it. Say what? You can't! You can't possibly say it because this movie is PG13. SKEEZY: Officer Slater, the guy with the missing eye - I saw his licence plate. Well, good for you. You mean the guy with the glass eye? No. When he was running for the car, it was missing. It's got words. 'Vengeance is...' ELECTRICAL WHINING Don't touch! EXPLOSION CAR ALARMS SHRIEK (Raves incoherently at supersonic speed) Did you catch that? (Continues rambling) I think some of it's English. Well, see if this is clear enough! Give me your badge! And this time, you won't get it back! Well, Shellagey, you're partnering up with the black-and-white visualisation of Humphrey Bogart. What? Are you making some changes, huh? Why don't you come and work the funeral with me anyway, huh? Oh, no - I wouldn't miss this one. I hear Torelli spent a bundle. He's got a damn helicopter circling the building. Huh? Rooftop funeral service at Long Beach. How's that for taste? Who died? Leo the Fart was shot yesterday. Yeah. Someone was trying for Torelli and missed. Leo was tough. Mmm. Could do everything but sneak up on you. You change your mind, I'll be in front of the hotel. Huh? ELECTRIC GUITAR VERSION OF MOZART'S 40TH SYMPHONY PLAYS Where are we, anyway? Home. TRAFFIC RUMBLES HORN BLARES GUNSHOTS Jeez! How'd you know there was a guy in there? There's always a guy in there. Costs me a fortune in closet doors. Right - like in 'Slater Part II - The Sagittarius Strangler'. In a few seconds, you're going to meet the Mannequin Strangler. I just got fired. What you find so entertaining happens to be my life. Now I'm not even a cop anymore. You'll get your badge back. He was just pulling rank because you're destroying more of the city than usual. Jack, you're not just my hero - you're everybody's hero. And it'll all be OK again, trust me. No, Danny. It's getting harder. I never started out to be anything but a decent cop, but I kept getting involved in these crazy adventures. But the craziest part is I kept surviving. Jack, these are the sequels. They've got to get harder. But look on the good side. I mean, you've got a great daughter. And your ex-wife wouldn't call you if deep down she didn't want you back. Would I marry someone so stupid they didn't know a real voice from a taped one? I pay a drug store cashier to call me at work so the guys think I have a private life. My ex-wife, she's happily remarried. She never calls. And Whitney! Huh! Why can she not be like every other teenager? On prom night she stays home and field strips her AK-47. She's going to die a young maid, I know it. I'll buy it soon too. No way! You can't die till the grosses go down. That guy Vivaldi - I heard him say something would happen at a funeral. Leo the Fart's going to have one. We should look into that. Yeah, yeah - whatever you say. Jack, it's a funeral for a guy named Fart. Funeral? Check this out. Someone tried to kill old man Torelli, missed and shot Leo the Fart by mistake. Right. Uh-uh. Who took the shot? Was it Benedict? Most likely. Would he miss? No way. Unless he wanted to miss. You're saying he meant to miss? TYRES SCREECH Why? Because, amigo... LOUD CRASH ..Leo the Fart was very, very fat. You get it? No, I don't. They broke in last night. They cut Leo open, stuffed him with TNT. He goes off at the funeral and takes out the entire Torelli mob at once. Vivaldi owns the town. That's what all this has been about. Vivaldi's going to blow up that funeral. No, no. It wouldn't just be a bomb. We've already had a dozen explosions in this movie. Danny, don't start that again. Nerve gas. What are you talking about? Three canisters of nerve gas were stolen from military trucks the night before last. They could've stuffed those inside him. You know what that means? Uh-huh. Leo the Fart is going to pass gas one more time. DIRGE-LIKE MUSIC Mr Torelli, I hope it's alright with you I am here. I don't want to be no fourth wheel. TORELLI: Nonsense, Antonio! (Sighs) Fifth wheel. That's it! Splendid! I thank you! Did you here that, Benedict? Family! Go pay your respects, huh? CLICKS AND FARTS INTERMITTENT BEEPING Stay in the car. No way! I'm coming with you. Kid, let's say this is a movie. How many times doesn't the guy stay in the car - and what happens? He saves the day. Or gets killed. Good point. I'll stay in the car. Wait a minute! What if "stay in the car" is what gets me killed? There's a gun in the glove compartment. Practice! Makes perfect! Decided to join me, huh? The Fart is a bomb. They're taking out the whole Torelli mob. That explains the mortuary break-in. Jeez, that's brilliant! We'll use the service entrance in the back. PLAYFUL DETECTIVE MUSIC Who are you working for, John? What do you mean? We both know there's no side entrance to this hotel. Sorry, Jack! I didn't want it to go down this way. Danny told me not to trust you. Mmm? He said you killed Mo Zart. Mo who? Zart. I kill a lot of people. I can't remember half of them. DANNY: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? GUN COCKS In a body bag, if you don't drop that! That's doubtful, kid. Real doubtful. Huh! (Laughs) Thanks for the fingerprints, kid. You're about to murder Jack Slater. Here, chain yourself to that pipe. You see, Jack, these drug guys have more money than the US Government. So you cut a deal with a Sicilian scumbag like Vivaldi? Right you are. You see, Vivaldi made up with Torelli, but it was a phoney. He's going to destroy him. So in exchange for letting him alone, he gives me a profit percentage. I'll be rich, Jack. You'll be dead, but... Freeze! Ow! Toss me the cuffs. Man, are you an idiot! You made the classic movie mistake. Don't explain so much. You had to say those last few words. I mean, if you had just fired, you would've won. But, no - you're the typical villain. Dumb. GUN COCKS VIVALDI: You ain't no genius yourself, kid. (INSECTS CHIRP) (TICKET RIPS) (DRUMROLL) (DRUMROLL CONTINUES) (DRUMROLL STOPS) Whoo...! (SCREAMS) I won! Arggh! Hah...yeah! VOICEOVER: The Monopoly game is here! Get that peelin' feelin' with Suzuki scooters, Caltex fuel gift cards and millions more prizes. Peel in store and more. * The Fart goes off in seven minutes. Get my car. Move it. 'THE FOUR SEASONS' BY VIVALDI PLAYS Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fun, but I have to go and establish my alibi. Arrivederci. Is this the way you save me? Don't see you doing anything. I wouldn't want to steal your thunder. Oh, no, no, no! You stay here to make sure everything goes on as planned. You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up! Alright. Let's go. (Sighs) It's BEHIND the eight ball, you moron. Somebody once told me I talk too much. No more words. TWO GUNSHOTS Whiskers, where the hell have you been? Sorry, Jack. Fur-ball problem. (Coughs) Seal off the area. There's a possible chemical explosion in five minutes. Thanks, Whiskers. I owe you one. Forget it. You saved my fur plenty of times. EXCITING MUSIC You see the hook off that crane? I want it on the roof in two minutes. Wait! How do I get them to do that? HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIRR SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Help me move that crane! You got to help me! Whoa! Shit! Hey, wait a minute! You've got to work this thing! I don't even know how to drive. ENGINE REVS LOUDLY DANNY: Whoa! TENSE MUSIC ENGINE REVS LOUDLY Pardon me. Excuse me. Hey, who are you? Pardon me. He was a good man. A flatulent man. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Can you hear this? (Squeaky voice) Help me! Get me out of here! My God! This man's not dead! UPROAR Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor! Out of my way! This man needs a doctor! I'm a doctor. Are you a doctor? Yes. Check his chin! THUMP (People scream) The doctor has fainted. Can somebody help this man? I'll take the corpse... I mean, the patient. Look, elephant! Hold it! Don't shoot! He could drop Leo. (People cry out) GUNS COCK Don't shoot! CROWD: NO! Leeeooooo! EXCITING MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Fires gun) FOREBODING MUSIC Oh, shit! HEAVY MACHINE-GUN FIRE EXPLOSION BELL RINGS HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIRR MECHANICAL CLANG ELECTRICAL WHINING METALLIC ZAPPING GUNSHOTS It's a no-fly zone, fella. RIPPING AND WRENCHING SOUND Uh! DRAMATIC MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC METAL GRATES SILENCE Uh! DRAMATIC MUSIC Uh! BEEPING Danny! Danny! Move the crane over! BEEPING CONTINUES Danny, stop the crane now! Stop there! Drop. Go, go, go, GO! Damn you! Get off! Damn you! Uh! Bad try! 'JAWS' THEME PLAYS (Children scream) GUNSHOT Get outta here! Everybody out! TWO GUNSHOTS SCREAMING CONTINUES EXTENDED SUBMERGED FART BUBBLING NOISE SLURPING NOISE Silent but deadly. Bring the car around. I can't. The helicopter landed on it. I hate when that happens. You know, tar actually sticks to some people. TYRES SCREECH Hey, Dad! I heard you were here. I thought you could use some clothes. Thanks, honey. Wait a minute. No-one finds this a little convenient? Hey, kid, you always said this is a movie. * (Vivaldi yells in other room) How did it go? Hey, how did it go? Come on! I'm dying out here. How was it? I wanna know how it went. Come on, move your butt! How did it went? (Quietly) Splendid. What? It went splendidly. Wait a minute. I can't hear you. I don't wanna miss a thing. Come here. Come here. Here, Benny. Tell your stuff. Yes. Was it beautiful? Perfect in every detail. (Laughs) And the gas tanks - poof! Were they OK? Like clockwork. (Laughs) You should've been there. Men, women and children dropping left and right, writhing and screaming. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I wanna enjoy it all. Come on. Come on - tell me. They were writhing and screaming and leaping to their doom to escape the pain. Really? Really? No, not really. I'm lying. It was a complete balls-up. I've had a terrible day, thanks largely to you. Wh-what is this, Benny? First you're my friend. Then you turn a...360 on me. 180, you stupid sphaghetti-slurping cretin. 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely round and end up back where I started. What? Trust me. WATER SPLASHES If that little turd Daniel Madigan can move through parallel worlds, I can move through parallel worlds - in and out. In - steal whatever I want. And out again - impossible to catch. If God was a villain... ..he'd be me. You want me vacuum now? No, thank you. But the pool could benefit from some attention. Very good. Don't move. Alright, Slater, I'll go quietly. The hell you will. Uh! That was for blowing up my second cousin Frank's house. And this... ..is for blowing up my ex-wife's house. But this...this is for my daughter's black eye! Usually when I do that, it leaves a hole. The ticket! Jack, he's got the ticket! It's the key to everything. It's magic. See? That's my world. He's gone over to my world! The door must still be open. Come on! I'm not worried that you're crazy anymore. I'm worried that you're right. But if I go, how do I get back? You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing. Now, come on! The hell with it. There was nothing to it. We're still here! Are you sure about that? Look! Quickly. Quickly! I wanna see if Nick's OK. There's no time. Hurry! SIREN WAILS What the hell?! We're in New York! Jack, it all makes sense. No, actually, it makes no sense, but I'll explain it - later. Meantime, please be careful. Things work different here. HORN BLARES Get out! Alright, don't get feisty! The car's junk anyway. Drive, bonehead! TYRES SQUEAL Here's another explosion for your movie, kid. GUNSHOTS BULLET CASING CLINKS ON GROUND Not a word. Not one word. ACTION MUSIC TYRES SCREECH My hand - it really hurts! Things work different here. You can't smash car windows and not hurt your hand. Thanks for sharing. You couldn't have told me this earlier? I think the taxis are bulletproof. Jack, we gotta get that ticket back. ENGINE REVS No way, Slater! Please listen to me. It won't work! You can't play chicken in real life. You'll crash! Out of the car, amigo. This isn't the movies anymore, Jack. Here you have to reload guns... Go, Danny! Glass eyes will kill you! Do you hear me? TYRES SCREECH You are gonna die! JACK! What did I do? HORN BLARES CONTINUALLY Please! Damn it, that hurt! You're lucky you're still alive, you dumb idiot! Hey, '89 Mercury Saber. Standard driver-side air bag. Chequer cab - no air bag. Who is dumb? OK, OK. Just make sure they're dead. Give me a break - they're dead! Check! Look! Dead! They ALWAYS look dead - like in 'Die Hard'. The guy's hanging there, then in the end, he comes back. Alright. Make sure you cover me. I think he's got a windshield wiper. Maybe he used the ticket. Maybe it's on all the time now. DRAMATIC MUSIC What is this place? Where am I now? Danny? You got a place I can sit down? Yeah. Come on. Nick? Nick! Danny! Oh, my God. I was so worried! Are you OK? Did you see what happened? No, I slept soundly in here. I woke up at 2am and figured you'd gone home. I wasn't home, Nick. I was in the movie! Uh, I'm getting a little up in years, kid. Define 'in'. Whitney kissed me right on the mouth. I drove a crane and dropped someone in the La Brea Tar Pit. I was with Jack Slater every step of the way! Oh, my God! The ticket works? I could've use... All this time, I never used it 'cause I... ..I was too frightened. But it's not too late. I could still go visit. Garbo in 'Camille'. Uh...Jean Harlow. Oh, boy, I had a crush! Monroe! In 'Bus Stop'. I... Uh...forgive me for going on like that, sir. I'm a great admirer of your work too. Nick, it isn't who you think. You mean... ..he's Slater? This is a wonderful moment for me, Mr Slater. I've never met a fictional character before. How new and exciting this must all be for you. Hey, I just found out I was imaginary. How would you feel if you found out somebody made you up? Your job, your marriage, your kids. Oh, yeah, let's push his son off the building. Gives you nightmares your whole life. But you're fictional, so who cares? I'm sorry, but I don't find it so new and exciting to discover my whole life has been a damn movie! You're young and impressionable. There's lots worse things than movies. There's politicians and wars and forest fires and... ..and famine and plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians... You already mentioned them. I know I did. They're twice as bad as anything else. Most of my life's been movies too. Well, showing them. But that's all over for me now. The theatre's shut. I'm gonna clear out my stuff, then it's the wrecking ball. But now I got another chance. Could I have the ticket back, please? Well, um, we've got this one little... ..um, hiccup. What do you mean - hiccup? Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket. That madman with the glass eye? How the hell are YOU gonna get back? Good question. But you wouldn't want to nitpick. Right, Danny? Now, you just follow my lead. Where have you been?! Have you got any idea what time it is? The police call. You're not there, you're not here. Mom, I'm sorry, OK? Shhh! OK?! Shhh?! There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say - "OK, shhh"?! Will you get in here? Mom, wait. You know how you always say you wished I had more friends? Well... Uh, hello, Mrs Madigan. Arnold Braunschweiger. It's only a little bit over, mate. It's always just a little bit... until you're on the receiving end. One times gold-coloured necklace and pendant. She was alive when I got there. Maybe they'll find a few less K's would've saved her. Imagine having that on your shoulders. (ALARM BEEPS) Everyone thinks they drive well. (HELICOPTER WHIRRS OVERHEAD, INDISTINCT POLICE COMMS) But I've never seen anyone crash well. (WOMAN CRIES) FEMALE OFFICER: Is there anyone we can call for you, Mrs Woolford? (SOBS) MAN: Well, this speed's fine along here. I know these roads. I know these roads pretty well too. And I'm doing everything in my power to stop you from seeing the things I've seen on them. (BIRDS CHIRP) (KIDS GIGGLE) (BOTH GASP) (FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH) Ohh! Thank you, Mrs Thompson! * LOUD HEAVY AGGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC Hey! Go, go! Wanna have a party? How old are you? Forget it. THREE GUNSHOTS Get the shoes! Take his shoes, man! Come on! Take his shoes?! No screams. No sirens. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah. Um, I'm sorry to bother you. I wonder if you'd help me test a theory. Sure. What can I do for you? Well... MAN FALLS TO GROUND SHOTS RING OUT (Shouts) Hello? I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose. I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess! MAN: Hey, shut up down there! (Jack laughs) I don't know what to say! I'm all shy and embarrassed. (Danny's mom laughs) But then I understand I'm somebody's look-alike. (Laughs) It's crazy. I mean... The thing is, you really do look uncannily like him, except for one thing - the eyes. You're obviously much more intelligent. Thank you. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good morning. What kind of eggs do you want? Scrambled. Have you guys been up all night? Why didn't you say Jack was a cop and that you spent the whole night looking at mug shots? You could've called your mother. Why didn't you tell me you had no friends? And what's this business about going to the movies at midnight when you knew your mother would be worried? MOZART'S 40TH SYMPHONY PLAYS ON RADIO Mom! You turned him into a wimp! Oh, I think not. Toast? No, thanks. Jack, are you OK? We talked. I never just talked to a woman before. It's neat. Neat? Women! Next they'll be talking about sex. Me and Jack are going out today! I'm helping him on a case. Oh, no! Your licence to kill expired at 4am, young man. Get in here and eat some eggs. Mom, I have to help. I'm the only witness. You know like the kid in the movie with Harrison Ford? There is no comparison. We're not Jewish. Amish! Whatever-ish. Irene... Don't worry, it won't be that hard. There are 8 million in the city and I'm great at catching people. Yeah! And the future of the world may be at stake. And...and maybe... Shhh! OVERTURE TO 'THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO' PLAYS Could you turn this up, please? MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER What's that? Mozart. The guy Practice killed? That's right, Jack. Do you like classical music? I don't know. I think I will! Wow! OVERTURE CONTINUES Did you tell my mom who you really were? Yeah - a cop from LA. I mean REALLY. Well, real enough... ..for right now. So you think for sure you're gonna catch him? I always catch everybody. And you're gonna spot him from up here? Hey, give me a break. It's the first time I've been to anywhere real. This ticket of yours - it worked on one movie. Does that mean that Benedict could use it again? You mean on other movies? Why would he wanna do that? I don't know. But it's a start. BENEDICT: The possibilities are limitless. But I realised after the car crash that the ultimate freedom would always elude me until Jack Slater was - forgive the pun - taken out of the picture. And I thought perhaps you might like to be inclined to help. Look, I understand that all this must be strange and difficult for you. But if you do this right, the world is your oyster. Trust me. You can have complete freedom to do whatever you want. Beyond even YOUR wildest dreams. And you'll never have to go back to this film again. DRAMATIC MUSIC I know you've never heard of this man. But his actual name, believe it or not, is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jack, there's a thousand theatres in the city. And we've looked for five hours! Shhh! We're that close in catching him. We're that close to catching pneumonia. In my world, they leave clues. This isn't your world. Or they show up and kidnap me. That doesn't happen here. Because this world stinks! Hey, the world is what you make of it, Danny. If you want to give up and go home, go ahead. You believed in me in the movies. Why not now? Because here you're just... Just what? SOMBRE MUSIC CAR HORNS BEEP No! HORNS KEEP BEEPING (Benedict whistles for a taxi) Jack! Jack, there he is! DRAMATIC POUNDING MUSIC FROM 'THE TERMINATOR' TYRES SQUEAL BRAKES SCREECH Jack! Uhhh! CAR HORNS BLARE Hey! Hey! Are you nuts? Damn it! Hey, you crazy animal! Jack, he's just a cabbie! You've seen those movies where they say, "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this - rubber baby buggy bumpers! Hah! You didn't know I'm gonna say that! Uh... Where did he go? The guy's in the back reading the paper. You were right, Jack - he HAS been going to the movies. Kid, that ain't the half of it. MC: We are live to you from New York. We're moments away from the world premiere of Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'Jack Slater IV'! Here's the man they've come to see! No mistaking that car. Here they are! Arnold Schwarzenegger and his lovely wife Maria Shriver. CHEERING Good to see you! Are you a big fan? Ooh! I've enjoyed... Whoo-ee! It was just beautiful. Love the guy. 'National Enquirer'. Don't talk to them. Hi, how are you? Nice to see you. Hi, how are you? Hello. Remember, don't plug the restaurants. I hate you plugging the restaurants. Or the gyms. It's so tacky. Why is he going to the movie? To get help. Benedict can do anything with the ticket. We know who he is. He'll kill us. He can't get you. Suppose he doesn't have to kill me. Suppose he only has to get to him. Benedict is going to kill Schwarzenegger. Kill Schwarzenegger - kill Slater! Bingo. We kill less people in this movie. This movie we only killed 48 people, compared to the last one where we killed 119. The action fans should understand we make up for it. A good story, lot of emotions, steps, dimensions... There are thousands in attendance here tonight and millions more are listening live around the world! I'm going to direct, produce and star in it. Is this guy a success story or what? Only in America. Only in Hollywood, I would say. Talking about Hollywood, at Planet Hollywood we have incredible memorabilias, I'm telling you... We're going to get going. Thanks. 'Bye, Maria. Absolutely fabulous. You're embarrassing. That was humiliating. This was a good opportunity. LEEZA: Chris, Chris! Check this out! It's the Ripper from 'Jack Slater III'. Ooh, scary! (Laughs) Let's AXE him a question, OK? Wow! Look at this. A method villain. Rip! Rip! Come here. What brings you here? I, uh... I thought I might kill someone. Maybe you should start with your designer! Nobody wants to miss out tonight. The limos keep coming. The stars are really shining. Excuse me, sir. May I see your invitation? Pete, it's OK. He's with me. Tom! Jesus Christ, Tom. Come here. Oh, my goodness! It's Tom Noonan. The actor who played the Ripper... plays the Ripper... What? You wanna play axe killers forever? Honey! Honey, come here. I need the manager's office for five minutes. Sorry... Here's $50. How sorry are you? What does Jack Slater say about America? Do we wanna hear? I don't want to hear. I'm not a big fan of Arnold's. She is. You know. Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there. Tom, you got the props too. That's terrific. Whip out a hibachi from your coat and make shish kebabs for the critics. Lucky I have a friend who rents tuxedos. Hello. Yeah. I know it's late. Tell him it's me. Did Nicholson go to the 'Batman' premiere as the Joker? I don't think so. Hi. Oh, Murray, get me your brother-in-law. Yes, it's important. It fits nice. Moving the bustle was good. Just get him. Hey, Mur! Yeah. I need a contact... * What the hell was that? You're a big action guy. What do you think about this? I wouldn't miss the premiere! Where am I sitting? Where? Where am I sitting? Um...there's two balconies. I believe you're in the, ah, upper...LOWER balcony. Stay here. Yeah, I know. And be careful. OMINOUS MUSIC Somebody should be checking that other balcony. Definitely! OMINOUS MUSIC TENSE EXCITING MUSIC Arnold, Arnold. The deal's done, right? What? 'Slater V' - the soundtrack. DRAMATIC MUSIC (MUMBLES UNDER BREATH) JACK! JACK! It's the Ripper! He's brought back the Ripper! JACK! Benedict's brought back the Ripper! MUSIC SWELLS Everybody down! NOW! GUNSHOT Get off me! (People scream) Shift your ass! Get the hell off me! The studio should tell me when they're planning a stunt. You are the best celebrity look-alike I've ever seen. Real nice. Yeah. If you get to Los Angeles, call my office. We'll get you shopping centre openings... Look. I don't really like you, alright? You've brought me nothing but pain. DANNY: JACK! HELP! Did anyone come out of here? Did you see anyone come out of here? Did you see a man with an axe coming out of here? No, I'm sorry. ECSTATIC CHEERING Hey, Jack. What kept you? Are you alright, Danny? Yeah. Yes, sir. You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me, but... ..I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come here, Jack. Now lose the piece. There. It's now between you and me. So let the boy go. We've played this number before, haven't we, Jack? Let's see. What comes next? You throw the...the, um, the gun away, right? The tit-for-tat part and, uh... And then you tell me to let the kid go. And, er... And I'm getting bored. Why don't we skip to the end? (Screams) (Roars) Come on, Jack! Come on. WHOO! Come over here. Right here, Jack. Come here! Come on, Jack! Let's do it, man! Come here! Come here! Come on, Jack! Come on. Let's go. Let's go. TENSE MUSIC ELECTRICITY HISSES AND SPITS (Screams) (Screams) I'LL...BE...BACK! SILENCE SOMBRE BELL TOLLS The hell you will. JACK! Danny? JACK, PLEASE! DANNY! Danny! I'll be right there! I'm coming! Hang on! Just hang on now! Jack! HELP! Hold on, Danny! I'll be right there! I'm coming! Jack! Hurry! Hold on, Danny! And don't look down! Oh, God. Please don't let him die. Listen, kid. You grab my hand and we'll get out of here. I can't, Jack! I'll fall! Come on now. Danny! Trust me! I can't do it, Jack. Listen to me, Danny. Listen to me! Hold on with your feet, your legs. And you let your hands go and I will catch you, OK? Believe in me! I will catch you! Now grab my hand! Let's go! Go for it now! Come on, Danny! Yes! AAAAGH! (Screams) This hero stuff has its limits. I need a hospital. I think my shoulder is out of the socket. Will a morgue suffice? Get down, Danny! Give it up, Benedict! The whole area is swarming with cops! Oh, I think I can manage to avoid them. But if not, I've another little... explosive surprise for them. Gentlemen! Since you're about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains, Jack. You want Dracula? (In Transylvanian accent) Dracula? Hang on. I'll fetch him. Dracula? Pah! I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger. Have a surprise party for Adolf Hitler. Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. And then we'll all have a christening for Rosemary's baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here. And do you know why, Jack? Shall I tell you why? Hmm? Because here in this world the bad guys can win! I shall miss you, Jack. GUN MISFIRES Gee. Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun! No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty. GUNSHOT (Cries) You broke my arm! (Cries) You see, Jack? Bad guys can win. AARGH! DRAMATIC MUSIC JACK! NOW! No sequel for you. The ticket! LIGHT TINKLING MUSIC SOMBRE MUSIC (Screams) (Audience screams) Take him home. Take him back to where this is just a flesh wound. Don't you understand? We gotta get him back to the movies! I said turn around! Oh, shit! TYRES SCREECH CAR HORNS BEEP Great! Just great! They always run away! Hang on, Jack. Danny, do you know how to drive? Sure. I watched you, didn't I? TYRES SCREECH CAR HORNS BEEP (Coughs) (Chokes violently) SIREN WAILS * Get out of the way! CAR HORNS BEEP TYRES SCREECH Nick! Fire up the projector! Hurry! What happ...? JACK'S DYING! You got the ticket? No, but it's gotta work anyway! (Coughs) Just hold on, Jack. You'll make it. It's gotta be here, Jack. Please, please... Nick! Hurry! The door won't open! No sweat, kid. You tried. Please. It's gotta be here. Just so... Where do you think you're going? Back off! You can't have him. I've had it with you, mister. Who stays, who goes. I'm telling you, this one stays! POIGNANT MUSIC I was only curious. He's not on any of my lists. Though you are. Daniel. Now? Oh, no. You die a grandfather. Hey, wait a minute! Help us. You gotta get him back. You can do it! I don't do fiction. Not my field. Sorry. You are a very brave young man. Unfortunately, you're not very bright. If I were you... ..I'd be looking for the other half of the ticket. They're all gold! They're ALL gold! YES! I've got it, Jack! I'll get you home. You'll see. You can't die. I know. Not until the grosses go down. No! This is gonna save us! Oh, throw that silly thing away. Holy cow! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS Let's hear it for Houdini! (Screams) Did anybody see Slater? You see Slater, tell him to get in my office NOW! PVC CREAKS (Groans) Help! Somebody! They got Jack! Doctor! Hey, Doc! MOVE! Here, take this. You've got to get back before it changes its mind. No way! I'm not going to leave you. I'm just an imaginary hero, Danny. You have a real life. You're real to me. Don't you get it? You're the best thing in... I need you to... Be here where you can always find me. I need you out there to believe in me. I need you to take care of your mother for me. 'Cause...I would love to... You have your whole life ahead of you. Pimples and premature ejaculation. I heard. What? It's just... I'm scared I'm never going to see you again. Whoever thinks that will be making a big mistake. Get out of the way. You want a doctor? I'm a doctor. Out of the way. What happened, Doc? What's up? What is this? Some kind of a joke? I wouldn't even call this a flesh wound! Let's get him up. SWEEPING MUSIC Where the hell have you been? Ha! It's working again. The cost of that is coming out of your meagre but undeserved pay or the Foundation will do the tango along my Hershey highway! Put a stock in it. I don't care who does what to your Hershey highway. Stop shouting! I'm not deaf! You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes! You know what else? I am the hero. So SHUT UP! You see? Hollywood is writing our lives. And you know something? I don't want to shoot people anymore and blow up buildings. You got to be a magician after all, Nick. It really does work. The ticket's yours, Danny. And you know something? I think the magic was yours too. Come on. Did I ever tell you the time I was your age and my pop took me to see Buffalo Bill? We went backstage to see Sitting Bull... EMOTIVE MUSIC AC/DC'S 'BIG GUN' PLAYS # Hey # Hey # Yeeeeeaaaahhh # Oooh yeah yeah # Yeah # I'm playing on the radio # Picture's on the TV # A main man take what he can shooting on the silver screen # He's kicking them off and knocking them down # Even though they're fantasy # There's a bad man cruising around in a big black limousine # Don't let it be wrong # Don't let it be right to give into spite # The dog in his sights # Big gun # Big gun # Number one # Big gun # Big gun Kick the hell out of you # Big gun Kick the hell out of you # Ow! # DEF LEPPARD'S 'TWO STEPS BEHIND' PLAYS # Yeah yeah # Take the time to think about it # Just walk the line # You know you just can't fight it # Take a look around # You'll see what you can find # Light the fire that's burning up inside me # Now there's a magic running through your soul # But you can't have it all # No # Whatever you do I'll be two steps behind you # Wherever you go and I'll be there to remind you # That it only takes a minute of your precious time # To turn around # I'll be two steps behind # Yeah yeah # Oh oh # Oh oh # And there's a magic running through your soul # But you can't have it all # Whatever you do now I'll be two steps behind you # Wherever you go and I'll be there to remind you # That it only takes a minute of your precious time # To turn around # I'll be two steps behind. # AEROSMITH'S 'DREAM ON' PLAYS # Could I take you where I become # Dream on dream on # Dream on dream yourself a dream come true # Dream on dream on # Dream on dream until your dreams come true # Dream on I dreamed on # I dreamed on I dreamed on # I've got to know I've got to know # I've got to know # Ohhhh! # TESLA'S 'LAST ACTION HERO' PLAYS SONG: # You know you're a hero # You're not just stuck in the movies # Just when they get the best of you # You always seem to pull through # You're the star # Last action hero # He's first, I'm second - now, burning with charm # Last action hero # A real live animal loose on the farm # Last action hero # He's first, I'm second - now burning with charm # Last action hero # A real live animal loose on the farm # Last action hero # He's first, I'm second - now burning with charm # Last action hero # You're a real live animal loose on the farm # Last action hero! #