Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions by Sheryl McEwen. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018. Homer: Do I smell cupcakes? Ooh, do I ever! Marge: Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher. Ah, say no more. Yum! Don't mind if I do. Bart! Oh man! Lisa: Keep your greasy mitts out of there. It's Mrs Hoover's birthday. There are names for people like you. No, there aren't. Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser. Homer: You say "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing. Well, you see, boy it never hurts to grease the wheels a little. I'm not greasing wheels. I like my teacher. Sure, Lisa. See how it works? A cupcake here, a good grade there. I get good grades because I pay attention and I study hard. Right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and... mmm! Oh, brother. Uh-oh, school bus. Got to go! Heh, heh, heh. Oh! Yo, Otto-man! Yo, Bart-dude! My sister made a whole pile of cupcakes to butter up her teacher and she won't give anybody even one little crumb. That's bad news, man. Here, Otto. I made one for you. Oh, thanks, little lady. You're welcome. (Screaming) Better let me hold these. Forget it. Snivelling toad! Little egg sucker! Tell me more. Back scratcher, bootlicker honour student! You'll never get one now, Mr Name Caller. All right, look, I'm sorry. In the heat of the moment I said some things I didn't mean. You weren't thinking, were you? No. Am I a snivelling toad? Not really. Am I a little egg sucker? Of course not. What am I? A beautiful human being. What's best about me? Well, I'd have to say... your generous nature. Your spirit of giving. Well, hmm... open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise. Ahh. Thanks, Lisa, you're the best. Look, Janie. Cupcakes! Gimme that! Lisa: Hey, give those back! What's the big idea? That's my sister. So what? So give those back before I knock your block off. Don't! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz. (Kids shouting for a fight) Get him! Get him, Bart! (Grunting) Uh-oh. Nelson, you're bleeding. Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. Hey, wait a minute. You're right. You made me bleed my own blood. (Gasping) It was an accident, man, a terrible, ghastly mistake. Ask anybody. Uh-oh, a cold wind. Hello, kids. Everything above the board here? Good. Play friendly. (Bell rings) Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along now. No dawdling. I'll get you after school, man. But... He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up. But... Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot. OK, Nelson, put up your dukes. Whoaaa! Yikes! (Grunting) Huh? Ha, ha, ha! (Gulps) Ha, ha, ha! Oh! (Screaming) Uh-oh. Mmm! Lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! Lunchtime! (Screaming) Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime. I ain't going to get out of fourth grade alive. You got to tell Principal Skinner. I can't squeal. It would violate the code of the schoolyard. Hey, everybody, here comes my brother Bart, the bully-killer! (Cheering) You're my hero, Bart! I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not saying I'm not a hero. I'm just saying I fear for my safety. (Nervous chatter) Look out! Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up-- you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and... I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. And you better be prompt. He has four other beatings scheduled. (Mourners sobbing) Good-bye, little dude. He looks so lifelike, man. Yes, the school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight. Good-bye, son. You were right. All that homework was a waste of your time. Thanks. We got the day off from school. And I got the day off from work! Homer! But what's a day off from work when I'll never see my beloved son again? Oh, Bart! (Sobbing:) Oh, Bart! That's better, Homer. Be brave. Bye-bye, Bart. You were always my special little guy. Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Hey, look, they got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude. (Grunts) (Ringing) Ahhhh! Put 'em up. Ooh, ahh, uhn, uhh Uhn, uhh, oh, ooh Ahh, ohh, oomph, uhh. Ohhh. Boy, you sure taught me a lesson. Whew. Thanks, guys. I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake. Right, guys? I'm going to get you again tomorrow, Simpson. Ooh! Is 3.15 good for you? Uh, not really. Too bad. (Bullies laugh) Ooh, argh! Oh no! Ow, ooh, argh! Bart: Oh, man, that guy's tough to love. * (Groaning) Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Tough day, boy? Bart, what happened? Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping my sister. So you had a little scuffle, eh? Hope you won. I'm going to miss you, big guy. (Groaning) Bart, your mother has the fool idea that you're upset about something. Dad, I need help. Please. Now, come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying. Oh, man... Let me help you dry those tears. (Whirring) So what's the problem, son? I had a run-in with a... bully. A bully? I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal. I guess I could do that. What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die! What are you talking about? The code of the schoolyard. The rules they teach a boy to be a man. "Don't tattle." "Always make fun of those different from you." "Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do." That's ridiculous! Bart, instead of fighting why not try a little understanding? What do you mean? This ought to be good for a laugh. This bully friend of yours, is he on the chunky side? Yeah, he's pretty chunkified. I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either. He's in the same special classes I am. That's why he lashes out at the world. So tomorrow instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised. Thank you very much, Mrs Maharishi Gandhi. Let's go, boy. (Growling) Now here's that bully of yours. Show me your stuff. Uhn... Hunh... Uhh... Huhh. No, not like that. Like this. Eee-yah! (Growling) You didn't expect that, did you? And neither will he. You mean I should fight dirty? We Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules in order to hold our own. So the next time you throw a glob of mud in his eyes and then you sock him when he's staggering around blinded. Yeah! There's nothing wrong with hitting someone from behind. Gotcha. If you get the chance get him in the family jewels. That's been a Simpson trademark for generations. (Grunts) Thanks, Pop. Whoa! Put 'em up. Huh! Uhh! (Growling) Remember the family jewels, son. (Grunting) Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Oh, no! Oh, no, boys, not the can, please. (Metal clattering) Bart, you can't go on like this. I know. Why don't you go see grandpa? What can he do? He's the toughest Simpson alive. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home? I'm here to see grandpa. Half the people here are named "grandpa". Grandpa Simpson, then. (Grumbling) Second floor, third dank room on the left. Thanks, lady. Dear advertisers: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels. Hi, grandpa. Bart, what brings you here? I need some advice. There's this bully at school who keeps beating me up. If you don't stand up for yourself bullies will be picking on you for the rest of your life. Give me your newspaper. Why should I? I want the crossword puzzle. I want the crossword puzzle. Gimme that puzzle. No. Gimme! No! Gimme! Heh, heh, heh. I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can. Here? Yep, this is it. What's the password? Let me in, you idiot! Right you are. Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Soldier of Fortune come in yet? Well, not yet. But can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? No! We came because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart. Hello, young American. Hello, sir. Uh, Mr Herman? Yes? Did you lose your arm in the war? Let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it. Yes, sir. I will. Bart's got a problem with a local bully. I thought you could help him with some strategy. Strategy? How many men do you have? None. You'll need more. And you'll need to train them-- hard. Now, let's see. OK. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war. That way everything you do will be nice and legal. OK. I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian war. I'll just change Otto von Bismarck to read Bart Simpson. (Mumbling) Psst! Grandpa. I think this guy's a little nuts. Oh, yeah? Well, General George S Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind. We can't fail! Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Psst! Pass it on. Mister, what are we doing here? I wonder where Bart is. Yeah. It's way past 1500 hours. OK, we all know why we're here, right? No. Why? To fight Nelson the bully. He's tormented us for years, and I, for one, am sick of it. I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know... Whoa! Whoa! All right! OK! I promise you victory! I promise you good times! (Cheering) # I got a "B" in arithmetic. # I got a "B" in arithmetic. # Would have got an "A", but I was sick. # Would have got an "A", but I was sick. # Argh! Ouch! Oof! # We are rubber, you are glue. # We are rubber, you are glue. # It bounces off of us and sticks to you. # It bounces off of us and sticks to you. # Sound off. # One, two. # Sound off. # Three, four. # (Giving instructions) Go! (Barking) Go! What's the matter with you, soldier? It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more. Your nerves? I won't have cowards in my army. Ow! Sorry, Bart. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some godforsaken rock, but for some reason, you can't slap them. Now, apologise to that boy right now. Sorry, man. It's cool. # In English class I did the best. # In English class I did the best. # Because I cheated on the test. # Because I cheated on the test. # Sound off. # One, two. # I can't hear you! # Three, four! # There's your enemy. Now hit him! Hit him! Let's go, next group. Martinez. Steinberg. O'hara. Chang. Olajuwan. Herman. (Growling) Die! Die! # We are happy, we are merry. # We are happy, we are merry. # We got a rhyming dictionary. # We got a rhyming dictionary. # Sound off. # One, two. # One more time. # Three, four. # Bring it on home now. # One, two, three, four. One, two, # three, four! # Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the arcade. Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart for a cherry squishy. When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons? 200 Rounds, sir. Is it OK if they say Happy Birthday? Well, I'd rather they say Death From Above, but I guess we're stuck. OK. Our main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat. The other will drive in this way closing the trap. It's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a 10-year-old. Nelson's at the arcade. Battle stations! I feel so alive. You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children. Hey, good squishies. What flavour did you get? Blue. You'll suck meals through straws if you don't shut your traps. Well, lookee here. Little Bart Simpson. Nelson, I'm going to teach you a lesson. Oh yeah? You and what army? This one. Artillery, commence saturation bombing! (Yelling) All right, you kids. Keep it down! Am I making myself..! Heh, heh, got him. You, up in the tree. The tall grey-haired kid. Get your butt down here right now! (Screaming) No! Wait! Don't hurt us! We surrender! We were only following orders! Argh! Ooh! Ooh! Argh! (Cheering) Ew! Knock it off! (Laughing and jeering) I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you. The second you untie me, I'm going to beat you to death, man. If that's your attitude, I won't untie you. Ha. You're going to have to sometime. Uh-oh. He's right. Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality. "Armistice Treaty, article four ` "Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger. "Article five ` "Nelson recognises Bart's right to exist. "Article six ` although Nelson has no official power, "he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighbourhood." Sounds good to me. OK, I'll sign. What about you? All right, I'll sign. You boys through playing war? Yeah. Yes, Mrs Simpson. Then here's some cupcakes. Oh boy. Mmm. Cupcakes. (Chewing and slurping, Gulping) (Burping) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions ` the American Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, library books have cool, gory pictures. Goodnight, everybody. Peace, man. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Edited by Sheryl McEwen. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018.