(Bell ringing) (Whistle blowing) (Playing the blues) Ah! (Knocking) (Sighs) Lisa! Lisa, are you still in there? What's the problem? Did you fall in? Lisa! (Sighs) Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What the..? (Bart laughing) (Humming) Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Check the den. The den! Great idea. (Grunting) Warm. Now cold. Huh? Colder. Ice cold. Do you know where they are? I'm talking about your breakfast. (Growling) Try the rumpus room. Rumpus room? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Oh! Oh, Homer. Here. I'm sorry, everybody. I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you. One of us has scarfed down enough cupcakes over three decades... Bart! Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure. All right! Oh, yeah! All right, class, from the top. One and two and three... # My country 'tis of thee # # La da da da la da dee # # Da da da do # (Humming) (Bebop jam) Lisa! Lisa Simpson! There's no room for bebop in "My Country 'tis of Thee." But, Mr Largo, that's what my country's all about. I'm wailing for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land was taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner... That's fine, but none of those unpleasant people will be at the recital. Now, class, from the top. Five, six, seven... Every day at noon, a bell rings. They herd us in here for feeding time. We sit around like cattle chewing our cuds... Food fight! What are you waiting for? Chuck that spaghetti! I choose not to participate. Uh! Ah... Ooh... Ow... Ooh... This is dodge ball. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by ducking out of its path. In other words, to dodge the ball. Why weren't you getting out of the way of those balls? I'm too sad. Too sad to play dodge ball?! That's ridiculous. Let's see enthusiasm. Play ball! (Kids cheering) Ah... Eee... Come on, come on, let's go. Bart: In the red trunks with 48 wins and no losses the undisputed champ of this house Battling Bart Simpson! (Whistling) Whoopee! And in the lavender trunks with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- humiliating defeats, all of them by knock-out... Must you do this every time? Homer "the human punching bag" Simpson! Boo! Boo! (Hissing) Homer: This stupid joystick! Bart: Homer is down! Three seconds, folks, a new record. Homer: Hey, no, I'm not down. Get up, you, come on. Yo, chump, back again? Homer: Don't! Get out of the way! How come he's not ducking? Wait a minute. I can't get my... Out of the way! Homer? Not now, Marge! Get out of the corner! A note from school. What did you do? Out of the way! There's no way they can prove anything. No, Bart, this note isn't about you. It isn't? There must be some mistake. Hey, this note's about Lisa. Lisa?! (Bart laughs) (Sighs) * Homer: "Lisa refuses to play dodge ball because she is sad." She doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears in her eyes. It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry, Dad, but you wouldn't understand. Sure, I would, princess. I have feelings, too. Like "my stomach hurts" or "I'm going crazy!" Climb up on Daddy's knee and tell him about it. I'm wondering what's the point? Would it make any difference if I never existed? How can we sleep at night when there's so much suffering? Really? Uh... Uh... Come on, Lisa, ride the Homer horsey! Giddy-up! Whee! Let's go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice, hot bath. That helps me when I feel sad. I know you mean well. Thanks for knowing I mean well. Homer, you got a real problem on your hands. You're right. Bart, vacuum this floor! Hey, I didn't do anything wrong. In times of trouble, go with what you know. Hop to it! (Muttering:) How can he get away with that? Oh, man, oh, man... Stupid Homer. I'm going to show him. He thinks he's so big. Vacuum... I hate this. Enjoy your bath? No, not really. Aw, too bad. I certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now I can scrub your tub. So typical. All he thinks about is himself. Don't say stuff about me to Maggie. She's on my side anyway. Is not. Is too. Is not. Is too. Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love best. No, Maggie! Come here, girl. Maggie, the choice is obvious. No, Maggie, don't go for the glitter. Look for substance. All right, Maggie, just go to Bart. Exactly. Come to the one you love best. Homer: Oh, no! Don't let the..! Get out of the..! Oh, no, not again. Don't, don't, don't. Get over to the..! Oh... Geez. Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. I couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket. Lisa! Lisa! What did I tell you about playing that saxa-ma-thing in the house? I was just playing the blues... Dad. (Sobbing) Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Play your blues, if it will make you happy. That's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering... unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you. Let's hear it. (Clacking) You just clack as loud as you want, Lis. (Saxophone wailing) Hmm? I've got to find that sound. That was beautiful. What's it called? Oh, it's a little tune that I call "The I-Never-had-an-Italian-Suit Blues." Wait, Margie. Let's put our happy face on because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile. Oh... Oh... What the..? (Gasps) Put up your dukes, Homer. Bart, go easy. I'm your dad. I am going easy on you but you're just so old and slow and weak and pathetic. No! Bart, no! Ahh! Homer, wake up, wake up. Huh? Oh... Oh, my. Let me wipe off the drool. Getting old is terrible. The saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things. Bart experienced that at the age of four. Why are you still awake? I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's a handful, and Maggie needs attention but our little Lisa's becoming a young woman. Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing. Good night, Homer. Mm-hmm. Now low B-flat. Okay, Lisa, altissimo register. Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself doing that. Thanks, Mr Murphy. My friends call me Bleeding Gums. How did you get that name? You ever been to the dentist? Yeah. Not me. I suppose I should go but I got enough pain in my life. I have problems, too. I can't help you. I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul but I can jam with you. Okay. (Playing the blues) # Oh, I'm so lonely # # Since my baby left me # # I got no money # # And nothin' is free # # Oh, I been so lonely # # Since the day I was born # # All I got is this rusty... # # This rusty old horn # # I got a bratty brother # # He bugs me every day # # And this morning, my own mother # # She gave my last cupcake away # # My dad acts like he belongs # # He belongs in the zoo # # I'm the saddest kid in grade number two. # You play pretty well for someone with no real problems. Yeah, but I don't feel any better. The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making people feel worse and making a few bucks. Which reminds me-- I'm playing in a little club called the Jazz Hole. Lisa, get away from that jazz man! Can't I stay..? We were worried. Nothing personal. I fear the unfamiliar. (Sighs) * Newscaster: Today's fire raced through downtown gutting Symphony hall, the Art Centre and Barney's Bowl-O-Rama. Ahh! Oh, no! Marge? Are you all right? No, I'm very upset. Then you've heard. What are we going to do? The lanes were kind of warped, but... I'm upset about Lisa. Oh, me, too. Me, three. Bart! Do you think you're being nice to your sister? Oh, yeah. Easy. You do love her, don't you? Oh, Mom. You do, don't you? Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer. Let's just drop it, okay? You don't have to say it. But you have to have a loving attitude. Be nice to your sister. Okey dokey. Go on. No time like the present. Hi, man. I don't want your pity. I'll cheer you up. How? (Phone ringing) Moe's Tavern. Bart: Is Jacques there? Who? Jacques. Last name's Strap. Uh... hold on. Jacques Strap? Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap. Wait a minute... Jockstrap. It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt? When I get ahold of you I'll gut you like a fish and drink your blood. Where's your sense of humour, man? Lisa, you'll be late for band practice. Let's go. Uh... give me some quarters. I'm doing my laundry. Yeah, right. Where's the video boxing? In the corner. You really should use those for laundry. Wise guy. Ahh! Hey, that kid's pretty good. Good? Are you kidding? Over 2,000 fights and it's his first quarter. Okay, who's next? Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. No, me! Can you teach me to fight like you do? I don't think so. I'll do it if you bark like a dog. You little... (Barking) You got yourself a deal, Fido. Well, looks like you're all out of quarters, old man. That's okay. With the tips you've given me I'm going to pound the tar out of a certain smarty-pants. Howie? I told you to stop wasting money in this place. Sorry, Mom. And you... A man of your age. You should be ashamed of yourself! Excuse me. I think I hear my wife calling. Ahem. Now Lisa, listen to me. This is important. I want you to smile today. I don't feel like smiling. Well, it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and be invited to parties and boys will like you, and happiness will follow. You can do better than that. That's my girl. I feel more popular already. Hey, nice smile. Thanks. Why talk to her? She'll just say something weird. Not me. You know, I used to think you were a brainiac. But you're okay. Uh-huh. Hey, after practice you could do my homework. Okay. Mmm! Five minutes, people. Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have another outburst of unbridled creativity. No, sir. Mmmm! Wow, Mom. So that's where she gets it. Lisa, I apologise to you. I was wrong. I take it back. Always be yourself. You want to be sad? Be sad. We'll ride it out with you. When you're finished feeling sad we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us. Okay, Mom. I said you could stop smiling, Lisa. I feel like smiling. I'm going to knock you out one more time. This is getting boring, man. Just try not to kill me too hard, son. Whoa! It's not your night. All right. No more Mr Nice guy. Aha, blocked it! You missed me. Uh! Oh! Huh! Ahh! Ow! I got you. Don't try that. And the crowd is on its feet as Hurricane Homer moves in for the kill. I'd like your attention. Quiet, Marge! Bart "the bloody pulp" Simpson is on the ropes hoping I'll put him out of his misery. You're in luck! Here comes my right! Oh, no! My game! I could have beat the boy. Marge, how could you? I was so close. This is more important than that silly, loud game. You're right, Mom. I'd just like to announce my retirement-- undefeated-- from the world of video boxing. Lisa has an idea that she thinks would be fun for the whole family. This next song was written by a friend of mine-- one of the great little ladies of jazz. (Playing the blues) # I got this bratty brother # # He bugs me every day # # And this morning my own mother # # Gave my last cupcake away # # My dad acts like he belongs, y'all # # He belongs in the zoo... # What?! # I'm the saddest kid in grade number two # www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018