www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 (BELL RINGS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (CHECKOUT BEEPS) (PLAYS JAZZY NOTES) (TYRES SCREECH) (BEEP! BEEP!) (SCREAMS) Bart, when I was your age I pulled a few boners. But you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them... Look, there it is. - The head. - Kill 'em! (Screaming) They got us cornered. We'll never get away. Give me the head. No. This was my fault. Run along. We're in this together. I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob. Aw, Dad. We'll die together like a father and son should. Now we got them. It's Homer Simpson. And his kid, Bart. Let's kill them! Off the kid! Kill Bart! Kill Homer! Let's kill these guys! Murderous mob, spare our lives-- at least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder. How long will the story take? About 23 minutes and five seconds. 23:05?! Well, all right, go ahead. It all started Sunday morning. Kids, we're late for church. Get your butts down here right now. Uhh! Ready for inspection, Mom. Very nice, Maggie. And, Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position. Oh! - Ahh... - Oh, Bart. Now where's your father? Get him! Oh, no! - Marge: Homer? - TV: 'Touchdown! 'We've got an upset in the making.' No, we don't! Try being objective... Let's go, Homer. You don't understand. I have 50 bucks riding on this game. Oh, Homer, you promised me. This isn't gambling, Marge. It's a lead-pipe cinch. (Growls) 'Wallanowski at the 5. He fumbles!' Oh, no! 'It's recovered in the end zone. Another touchdown.' (Muffled scream) Why should I feel like a traffic cop every Sunday morning? I'm trying to get goodness into the family. Where is the game? Ah! 'Kogan's got Wallanowski open in the end zone. - 'He throws it...' - Catch it. 'It's complete. Touchdown!' All right! (Honking) - (growls) - 'We have a barnburner. This could be the most remarkable comeback 'since Lazarus rose from the dead.' Homer: Laza-who? Marge: Come on, everybody. We're late. Bart, promise me you'll pay attention in Sunday school. - Bart? Bart? - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - Bart! - Whoa! You talking to me? What's this? Oh! A personal stereo. Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school? Maybe. Ah! Can you believe this, Homer? Homer? Homer?! No, no, we stink! '...the 30, 20, 10, touchdown!' Were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over? Maybe. Because of your irreverent attitude, Bart thinks he can sneak headphones into Sunday school. Now move it! 'Here's the kick-off.' Hmm... 'Oh my, he fumbles!' Will my dog, Pepper, be there? I'm sorry, but the answer is no. Why not? Heaven is for people. What about my cat, Snowball? I'm sorry, but the answer is no. - Are cavemen in heaven? - Certainly not. What if you're a really good person, but you're in a bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and gets amputated? Will it be waiting for you in heaven? For the last time, Bart, yes. And now I'd like to begin today's sermon which I've entitled "Gambling: the eighth deadly sin." Today is Sunday, the Lord's day and yet, millions of Americans are not in the Lord's house. They're in their own house worshipping a false idol ` professional football. RADIO: 'It's a beautiful Sunday. 'Perfect weather for this incredible game. 'This game is brought to you by Duff Beer. 'You can't get enough of that wonderful Duff. 'Now, they're lining up for this crucial kick. 'One final tick of the clock remains. 'A win would cap an amazing comeback 'but it's a 49-yard field goal into the wind.' Make it, make it. - 'The kick is up.' - Oh, please, please, please. - 'It's got the distance.' - 'Holy Toledo! It's good!' - It's good! It's good! (Whispering) It's good... to see you all in church. Please be seated. Yeah, sit down, Homer. The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't. Oh, oh, me! Bart. What about A robot with a human brain? I don't know. All these questions. Is a little blind faith too much to ask? (Cheering) Don't forget next week. Remember to read... Oh. That was very nice, Father. I was pleased you enjoyed it. I seem to have struck a cord with you today, Homer. What? Yeah, you were great. Mm-hmm. You embarrassed us in front of the whole congregation. Today's sermon was one you should have really listened to. - What was it about? - Gambling. - Oh. Did he say that under certain circumstances it was all right? No! I don't wanna talk about this any more in front of the kids. Lisa, Bart... what did you two learn in Sunday school today? Answers to deep theological questions. Among other things, apes can't get into heaven. What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. - Who told you that? - Our teacher. I can understand why they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes. What about those really smart ones who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars? Oh, cool, man. Space Mutants 4. Drop me off! Drop me off! - No way, Jose. - They're only space mutants. I know what those movie are like ` killing innocent people, eating human flesh. You just get a lot of bad ideas. Hey, Dad. Can I have five bucks? I hope you're not planning to see a certain movie starring certain space mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see. (CHUCKLES) Perish the thought. Here you go, son. Share the wealth. That's what I always say. Woo! (Hums cavalry charge) Whoa! Whoa! Ho, Cowabunga! Yeah! Hey, Hot Dog. - What? Uhh! - Nice dismount, man. - (Kids laughing) - Didn't hurt. - Oh, yeah? Do it again. I might land on my face and end up looking like you. - You punk! - Hey, man. Leave him alone. I like him. You do? Yeah. You're witty. - What's your name? - Bart Simpson. This here's Kearny. I'm Jimbo. You don't need an introduction. You're the worst kid in school. Thanks. Psst! Coast is clear. You guys are sneaking in? Only saps pay to see movies. Hey, Bart, come on. But sneaking into a movie is practically stealing, man. Practically? It is stealing. Well, okay. I wanted to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * (Moaning) Girl: Wait. I think I hear something. Boy: Oh, come on. Loosen up, babe. Boy: There's nobody here. Girl: No. Stop it. I think I hear something... not human. (Rude noise) (Kids laughing) Let's get romantic. Well, okay. - (Screaming) - (Yelling) - Whoa! - Whoa! You little sneaks! Come with me! Next time you little hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents! Yeah? We don't want to see your crummy movie anyway! We'll take our business elsewhere. You know, Bart, I've been kicked out of all four Space Mutant Movies. Wow, man. Three jumbo cherry Squishies and one double jumbo original flavour, sir. Okay. Now don't you kids take anything. I'm watching you. I've got eyes in the back of my head. $4.52. Guys, it's on me. "Share the wealth," I always say. Ha ha. Guys? Guys? Where did you get all that great stuff? Five-finger discount, man. You ripped it off? Yeah, thanks for covering for us, man. (Grunts) (Both grunt) Go on, Bart. But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If not for him, all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of '48. ALL: So? Soooo... watch me hit him right between the eyes. (Grunts) What are you doing there? Show respect, you insolent little thugs. - Ooh. - We're really scared. Hey! Hey! You! Hey! Hey! You! (Slurping) You know, when you look up at clouds in the sky, they start looking like stuff. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. That one over there looks just like a cherry bomb. Dolph: Hey, you're right. And look at that one. Looks like a guy with a switchblade stuck in his back. Jimbo: That one looks like a bus going over a cliff with kids inside screaming. That one looks like the statue of our town founder, Jebediah Springfield. Does not. Does too. Without the head, of course. Jimbo: Oh, yeah. I wish someone would cut his ugly old head off. You do? That would be cool. Sure would cheese everybody off. Guys, come on. Remember history class? Jebediah once killed a bear with his bare hands. Oh, sorry. We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield. Yeah, he's your boyfriend. Come on, guys, knock it off. Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool. (Kissing noises) (Laughing) Jimbo: Beat it, Simpson. I thought you were cool. Aha! Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks? (Gasps) Now I've seen everything. "Black, marbleised, with a liquid centre. "The stealth bowler. "The pins don't know what hit 'em." Can we talk about something? Sure, boy. What's on your mind? Well, I was wondering ` how important is it to be popular? Glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world. So you could do stuff you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better? You're not talking about killing anyone, are you? - No. - Are you? - No. Then run along, you little scamp. A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid centre. (Ringing) (Loud snoring) (Meowing) Shh! (mysterious music) (ominous music) (sawing) (thud) Bart: What have I done? * (Yawns) Ahh! Marge: Bart, are you all right? Uh, yeah. Top of the world, Ma. Then come down for breakfast. Ooh, look at this one. The Hammer of Thor. "It will send your pins to... "Val-halla"? Lisa? That's where Vikings go when they die. That's some ball. Good morning, everybody. (Heavy thud) Announcer: 'We interrupt Mambo in the Morning to bring you this special news bulletin. 'The statue of Jebediah Springfield, 'our town founder, was brutally decapitated last night 'in an act of senseless vandalism. 'We now go to Police Chief Wiggum at City Hall.' Uh, well, we have no witnesses, no suspects and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "O" and ask for the police. That number again ` "O." 'Stay tuned to this station for further developments '(crying) as they break.' It's just a statue. A statue of the trailblazing founder of our town. It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it. Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue? Uh-oh, school bus. Come on, Lisa, school bus. Go on, Lisa. - We've got to be brave, just like Jebediah when he killed that bear. - (sobs) It's so awful. Come on, everybody. We got to get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us. You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it. (sobs) Grandpa: I said it before, and I'll say it again ` hell in a handbasket! I hope they find the punk who did this and I hope they cut his head off! ALL GRUMBLE: Yeah. Hi, guys. What's up? We were just saying we'd love to meet the guy who cut off the head of that statue. Yeah, we wish he were here right now. Oh, really? Yeah. We'd break every bone in his stupid little body. - That's right, man. Limb by limb. - Yeah. What? But yesterday, didn't you say it would be cool to cut off the head and really cheese everybody off? That was just cloud talk, man. Yeah, I mean, throwing rocks is one thing. But I'd never cut the head off of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. Jimbo: What's in the bag, Bart? - Jebediah's voice: My head. - (Gasps) I said ` what's in the bag, Bart? Jebediah: Go ahead, Bart. Tell them. It's the head of Jebediah Springfield. I got to go! Jebediah: Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town. You're not really talking to me. You're just my overactive imagination. - 'Oh, I am, am I?' - Shut up. I wanted them to like me. - Hm. The child seems rattled. - Can you blame him? No. No, I can't. (Crying) There, there, Mr Burns. Blow, sir. (Blowing nose) Hey, Bart. Where are you going? To my room. Why don't you watch Krusty the Clown? There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity. If you know who cut off Jebediah's head ` even if it's your brother, sister, daddy or mommy ` turn them in and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle like Sideshow Bob's. Jebediah: Wait a minute. I hope you're not planning to do what I think you're doing. Sorry, man. It's either you or me. You know, Bart, you don't have to found a town to be a hero. Sometimes a hero can be a young boy with the courage to stand up and admit he's made a mistake. Yeah, well, I'm running a little short on courage right now. - Gah! - (thud) Anyway, think about it, will you, son? Ohh. Announcer: Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedadiah Springfield came west in 1838. Along the way, he met a ferocious bear and killed him with his bare hands. That's b-a-r-e hands. Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him. - Bart: Mom? Dad? - (Gasps) I knew it all along! Why, Bart? Why?! Yeah, why, you little..? Cos I wanted some really bad kids to like me. I got the idea that being popular was the most important thing in the world. Where did you get a ridiculous idea like that? Uh... Lay off the boy, Marge. He's a good kid. - Quit giving him the third degree. - (Growls) Homer... Did you have something to do with this? Maybe I am a little responsible. A little? Come on, son. Let's take the head thing back to the authorities. You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them... Look, there it is. - The head! - Kill 'em! (Screaming) (Mob shouts) - Barney: All right! All right! - Krusty: We know this part! Bart: Oh, yeah, right. Well, that's my story. If you want to tear apart this young Sunday-school student as he stands on the brink of salvation, I await your wrath. Mob: Awww. Somehow I don't feel like killing any more. Neither do I. Yeah. Thinks: 'Forgive me, sir.' Jebediah: 'No problem, Bart ' Look, it's glorious! It's beautiful, man. I love you, Smithers. The feeling is more than mutual, sir. (Cheering) Whoo! Good going, son. But remember ` most lynch mobs aren't as nice. (Cheering) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018