* BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 (HUMS) So how was the office birthday party? Oh, it was delightful. The frosting on the cake was this thick. And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant didn't know the punch was spiked and he really made an ass of himself putting the moves on the new girl in valve maintenance. Does she like him? I have to warn you, I think the poor young thing has the hots for me. Homer! Just keeping you on your toes. (GASPS) 239 Pounds?! Aw, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty? From now on, exercise every morning. (GROANS AND GRUNTS) You're not a blimp, Homer. You're my big, cuddly teddy bear. BART: Ah, baloney. Yeah, right. Oh, give me a break. Wow, cool, man! (CACKLES) Huah! (GARGLES) Oh, no! 239 Pounds?! I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer. Oh, don't strain yourself, dear. Good idea, Marge. This Friday night, I'll be attending a get-together with the boys. Eugene Fisk is marrying some girl in valve maintenance. Homer, is this some kind of stag party? No, no, Marge. It's going to be very classy. A tea-and-crumpet kind of thing. Isn't Eugene your assistant? No. My supervisor. But wasn't he your assistant? Is this the Spanish Inquisition? Sorry, Homer. DOORBELL RINGS Uh-oh, it's the female man. Female carrier, Bart. Lady, where's my spy camera? BOTH: Where's my spy camera? Every day for the last six months. Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Here's your stupid spy camera! Oh, thanks, man. Whoa, man. Look at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works... Cos I got a lot of spying to do. (GROANS) Bart! What are you doing? Sorry, Dad. That's top-secret. (MARGE HUMS) Oh! Oh, Bart. What? Go take some wildlife pictures. Oh. Eww, gross. Mom, Bart was taking a picture of his butt. Like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt (!) Stop it and put on some nice clothes. Since it's just the four of us tonight we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle. Yay, fried shrimp! Can't we grab a burger at` Only four of us? Who escaped? Your father. It's boys' night out. Just as I was asking myself where did my seven-year-old boy get the money for a father's day present I opened the box. Inside was little Eugene's baseball glove. He had given me the one thing that mattered most to him in the whole world. Eugene, when I see you-- the thing that matters most to me-- Married tomorrow I'll know how you felt that day. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Where am I? The planet cornball? Hey, don't worry. Things will pick up once the entertainment gets here. Ooh, entertainment. Ahoy, I spy the children's menu. Ahoy, this place bites. Bart! What will it be, me little bucko? Let's see... This evening, I shall go for the squid platter. Eww! With extra tentacles, please. No, Bart. Excuse me, sir. The party next door seems a little raucous. Please ask them to quiet down a little bit. Aye, aye. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Ha, ha, ha. BOISTEROUS SINGING Hey, keep it down, guys. OK? Hey, shut up. Here you go. There you are. For the baby. And one squid platter, extra tentacles. Heh, heh, ugh... Quit fooling around and eat your dinner. Yeah, eat it, Bart. May I please be excused for a minute? OK, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold. OK, Eugene, one last taste of bachelor freedom. MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious east. W-w-w-wow! Oww! Ooh! Woof, woof, woof. Ha ha ha! Whoa! whoa! This is what I call a party. How do I tell you this? We're in hell. Hoo hoo hoo! Look at them squirm. She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer! Wow, man. HOMER: This is the most fun I've ever had in my life. * The meeting of the Future photographers of America is now in session. We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson. People, people, don't applaud. Let's get to work. Quite exciting. Extremely sensual. The subtle grey tones recall Helmut Newton. Who's the sexy lady? Beats me. But that's my pop. All: Wow! He brings to mind Diane Arbus. I'd appreciate a print of your masterwork. Me, too. Sorry, guys, no can do. Oh! You'll make me a print, won't you? Will you swear another living soul won't get a copy? OK. Cross your heart, hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye? Jam a dagger in your thigh? Eat a horse manure pie? Yep. Well, OK. Psst, look what I got. I want a copy. Sorry. Come on. Well, OK. How come Milhouse gets a copy of your girlie picture? I'm your friend, too. Well, OK. Why are you wasting your time with this sleazy trash? Sorry, Dad. Tee-hee. Wait till I show the guys this little doozy. Mike, this is Al. Just wanted to thank you for the informative memo you faxed me. Here comes the boss. Got to go. Reverend Lovejoy Your wife confiscated this from a boy in the choir. This sheep has strayed from my own flock. His name's... ...Homer Simpson, sir. A low-level employee. Family man? Wife and three kids, sir. I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning. WOMEN GIGGLE What are we laughing at? One glazed and one Scratch 'n' Win, please. You look familiar. Are you on the television? You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. Oh, liberty bell. Another liberty bell. One more, and I'm a millionaire. Come on, liberty bell. Please, please, please. Doh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday? Hey, looking good! What do you want, pal? Hey, mister. # Do-do do do do # # Doody doody doody do. # A doody doody do to you, too, pint-size. A lot of nut cases. I've seen things you can't imagine. Hey, hey, hey! I hear you, buddy. Whew! Full moon. Heh-heh. Hmm, still got it. (WHISTLES BELLY DANCE TUNE) What is the meaning of this? Uh... Well... It... It's meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir. Princess who? Hey, my photo! Both: Your photo?! Uh-oh. You little..! You big..! Oh! Go to your room. I'm outta here. Marge, honey... Baby... Doll... Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey? But where will I sleep? I suggest you sleep in the filth you created. Would a motel be OK? (SIGHS) Oh, I knew you'd come to your` Oof! Here! If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will. * What's the matter, Homer? Hottest ladies night in months and you're not checking out the action. Oh, Moe. My wife gave me the old heave-ho because of some lousy picture. This one? Doh! Where you staying tonight, Homer? Motel, I guess. Oh, no. No pal of mine is going to stay in some dingy flophouse. (YAWNS) If you get hungry during the night there's an open beer in the fridge. See the row of tiny lights up there, Barney? The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on. Hey, that's rough, pal. DIALLING > BARNEY: Hello, Marge. > Your porch light's on. Barney! Homer's not made of money. Who is this? Don't listen to him, Marge! It's you? DIAL TONE Homer, you're overwrought. Why don't you unwind a little bit? Party down the hall. This apartment complex caters to upscale young singles like me. (BELCHES) No, Barn, I just wanna crawl into bed. Suit yourself, Homer. Nighty-night. (SIGHS) LOUD DISCO MUSIC PLAYS I wonder when Dad's coming home. PA: Homer Simpson. Report to Mr Burns' office. Oh, no. What in blue blazes are you doing, Simpson? What do you mean? I mean this. A plant employee carrying on like an oversexed orangutan in heat. This is a family nuclear power plant. Over 50% of our power is used by women. I will not have you offending my customers! It won't happen again, sir! May I get out of your sight now? Just a second. Smithers, leave the room for a minute. Yes, sir. Simpson. I am, by most measures, a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women. A certain` how shall I put it? Animal magnetisme. Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret? Mr Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks I'm no lover boy. Simpson, I'm asking you nicely. I don't know, sir. Simpson! Uh, wine 'em... Uh, dine 'em. Bring 'em flowers. Write 'em love poetry. Of course. It's simplicity itself. I won't forget this, Simpson. Now return to work! And tell no one of what transpired here. Anybody home? Hi, Daddy. Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom? Still kind of ticked off. Yeah. Good luck, man. Oh, thanks, boy. Hello, Marge. It's me, Homer. Are you still mad? You are still mad. Don't need to say it. I'm your loving husband. I can read you like a book. I'll just have some milk. Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton. Come on, Marge! Please forgive me! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Homer, you don't even know why you're apologising. Yes, I do. Because I'm hungry my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired. Homer, you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolises you. He does not. Yes, he does. When he sees you treating women as objects He's going to think it's OK. You owe your son better than that. What should I do, Marge? Well, I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly person. Let him see that she's a human being with real thoughts and real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologise to her. Your wish is my command, my little` Do it! Princess Kashmir? You must mean April Flower. She's at the Girlesque. Ooh... Hoo! I'm trying to teach my son about treating women as objects. April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight. Hoo-ah! It is an honour To have Springfield's number-one swinger here` Forget that. Is she here or not? Nah... Try Mud City. Hoo! Marge? We're going to try the Sapphire Lounge. Bart! I said look at the floor! There she is. Hey, Princess! It's me. The guy from the snapshot. Oh, uh, hi. < MAN: Places, ladies. Ooh. < It's show time. I'm here because I want to apologise for treating you like an object. I want my boy to know that you're more than just a belly. I want him to know that the woman behind the glitter has thoughts, too. OK, but make it quick. Nice to meet you, ma'am. Tell him a little bit about yourself. My real name's Shanna Tifton. My pet peeve is rude people And my turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace. Thank you very much. We'll... Whoa! (SCREAMS) # They could love their wives alone # # But I think that's just foolish # # Men must have hearts made of stone... # (WHIMPERS) Cool, man! Get out of my cage. My boss will freak out. Oh, no! # A pretty girl can't look my way... # Get out. Don't! No! Ow! Ow! # ...without a new romance # # I could love a million girls and every one a twin # # I could love a Chinese girl, an Eskimo, a Finn... # Aaahhh! (GRUNTS) Ooh! Uh! Ooh! Uh! Get off of my stage, fat boy! Hey! It's the guy from the picture! CHEERING Homer Simpson? Sorry, partner. I didn't recognise you at first. Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honour To have a real swinging cat with us tonight, Homer Simpson, party guy. Mr Maestro. MUSIC RESUMES # Oh I could love a million girls # # and every one a twin # # I could love a Chinese girl, an Eskimo, a Finn # # I could dig a Deutschland chick # # a girl with golden curls # # In fact, I think that we could love... # # ...About a million girls! # Hep! Hey! Whoo! Look out. Yeah! Hee-hee! Heh-heh-heh. # Da da da-da da! # How does he do it, Smithers? He's a love machine. Way to go, Dad. Uh-oh. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the music! Quiet, please! I have something to say. Quiet! You with the hair. Down in front! Oh, no. He's sunk even lower. I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys and men, To all of us. It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No. They are our wives. They are our daughters, our sisters our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers. And you know something, folks? I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string. Am I wrong? Or am I right? My wife gets the cutest little thing right here when she smiles. This is my Susie. Oh, so cute. Here's mine. My mom sounded down the other day. I better give her a call. Homer! Marge! All right, folks! Show's over. Only sick people wanna see my folks kiss. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018