BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) HORN HONKS (SCREAMS) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 Hey, kids! Who do you love? Krusty! How much do you love me? With all our hearts. What would you do if I went off the air? We'd kill ourselves. What's that, Side-show Bob? This is Brittany, and today's her birthday? Happy birthday, Brittany. How do you want to celebrate? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song? Or do you want me to shoot Side-show Bob out of a cannon? The cannon, the cannon! The cannon, the cannon! The cannon. Sorry, Side-show Bob. but it's her special birthday wish. You're doomed, Side-show Bob. We haven't had much luck shooting you out of this cannon but maybe that's because we haven't used enough gunpowder. Brittany, do the honours. Don't blame me. I didn't do it. Comedy, thy name is Krusty. Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy. # They fight, they fight. # They fight, they fight, they fight. # Fight, fight, fight. Fight, fight, fight. # The Itchy and Scratchy Show! # I don't understand the appeal of all this senseless violence. We don't expect you to, Mom. If cartoons were meant for adults they'd put them on in prime time. (TELEPHONE RINGS) Hello. Hello, Homey. Could you pick up some Premium ice cream? Ooh, Premium... Wait a minute. Why? Patty and Selma are showing us their Yucatan vacation slides. Oh! WOMAN: Anybody home? I've got to go, Homer. My sisters are here. Ooh, eight carousels. We're in for a real treat. Hello, steady customer. How are you this evening? How you doing, Apu? Mmm, chocolate. Ooh, double chocolate. New flavour! Triple chocolate! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register. What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters or as I call them, the gruesome twosome. Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy... Sorry, pal. (SCREAMS LOUDLY) Hand over all your money in a paper bag. I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store. You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone. This is our tour group. This is a Mexican delicacy called a taco platter. Mmm, delicious. This is Selma taking a siesta. Ay caramba! And he had a big nose. No, bigger. And big red hair that... Yeah, yeah, like that. It is a simple charcoal rendering but is this the man? Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero. Cruddy, Crummy... Krusty the Clown! # Do do do do do do. # Aah! Ah! Huh? Aaargh! Hey, what's going on here? You're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Blah blah blah... Is this a joke? Ready, Mr Simpson? Yes, sir. Send in the clowns. Which one is it? If the crime is making me laugh they're all guilty. Which one is the robber? Oh, definitely number... Simpson! Four. This is all the mail that awaited us upon our return. And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed. Thus concludes our Mexican odyssey. Very... thorough. HOMER: I'm home, everybody. You missed the slide show. Oh, fantastic. Marge, you won't believe it. I was at Kwik-E-Mart minding my own business... Ooh, ooh, ooh, the News. Springfield's number one news team with our Emmy-award winning anchorman Kent Brockman. I'm Scott Christian. Kent Brockman is off tonight. Why did the clown cross the road? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart. The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke after this. Oh, wait a minute. That guy on your lunch box? Krusty the Clown? Isn't he your hero? He's my idol. I've based my whole life on Krusty's teachings. You better go to bed. Krusty the Clown is behind bars tonight after a daring robbery of a local Kwik-E-Mart. Krusty! Oh, no! Oh. Earlier this evening the Springfield SWAT team apprehended the TV clown who appears on a rival station opposite our Hobo Hank. And just in, actual footage of the crime taken with a Kwik-E-Mart security camera. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters or as I call them, the gruesome twosome. Oh, Homer. So, the truth comes out. Hand over all your money in a paper bag. Oh, Krusty, how could you? I know it looks very bad, honey. Who knows? Maybe it will turn out he was innocent. Earth to Marge, earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y. You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Heh heh heh heh. Buy my cereal. Heh heh heh heh. I didn't do it. I wish I could believe you. * Good evening again, Springfield. Krusty the Clown, beloved idol of countless tots now nothing more than a common alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow has taken centre ring in a media circus as children of all ages, from eight to 80 hang on to each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists. From his humble beginnings as a street mime Krusty clowned his way to the top of a mini-empire with dozens of endorsements including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of TV's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal on-the-air heart attack in 1986. Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first I got a hankering for some pork products. Mmm, look-- plump, succulent sausage honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling... (GASPS) (MOANS) I'm dying... I'm dying. But a quick triple-bypass and a pacemaker later Krusty bounced back. However, he was a changed clown. Where his show had been condemned by parents and educators alike as simple-minded TV mayhem this new Krusty devoted a portion of every show to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a-thrill youth. Give a hoot. Read a book. Krusty's arrest shocked Springfield packing its churches synagogues and mosques with disillusioned citizenry from all walks of life. I urge every halfway-decent member of our community to gather up all merchandise that bears the likeness of Krusty-- that clown prince of corruption-- and join me in a public burning. Is Krusty the Clown about to trade in his baggy pants for the relatively snug uniform of Springfield Penitentiary? We'll find out tomorrow when his trial begins. What kind of gun did you use? Did you use an accomplice? Will you plead insanity? Look at him. His clothes are so drab. His face is so flesh-coloured and sad. And his feet-- they're so small. Say it ain't so, Krusty. My client has no comment at this time. I didn't do it. LAUGHTER Krusty the Clown, how do you plead? I plead guilty, your honour. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) Oh, I mean not guilty. Opening-night jitters, your honour. I would like to call to the stand Homer J Simpson. Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it. Sorry, son. You'll understand one day. He's innocent. Krusty would never do that. Dad, you got to listen to me. Sorry, pal! (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Mr Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily-salted snack treats? Yes, sir. Do you recognise the gunman in this courtroom today? Yes, I do. Fine. Would you point him out to us. OK. (GASPS) Oh, man. Let the record show that the witness eventually pointed to... Krusty the Clown. MARGE: These toys are just adorable. Who would have guessed they were inspired by an insane criminal genius? BART: But, Dad You're giving in to mob mentality. No, I'm not. I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Now, come on, son. Get with the winning team. Right here, Krusty souvenirs. Buy them and burn them. Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. We are going to set this pile of evil ablaze but because these are children's toys the fire will spread quickly so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes. CROWD MURMURS Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit "B." Tell me what you see. Uh, um... Which one do you mean? The one with the big "B" on it. What's the matter? Can't you read? No, I can't! I can't read or write. I admit it. I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy? Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself? Is it a crime to be illiterate? All right, all right. See this, Krusty? This a "B" and this is Exhibit "B." Betting slips obtained by this court indicating you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events? Yes, it is. Oh. Foreperson have you reached a verdict? Yes, we have, your honour. We find the defendant Krusty the Clown... guilty. I knew it! This happens to me every time. My young friends, for years I have been silent save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument. But now destiny has thrust me into the centre ring. In the coming weeks you will notice some sweeping changes in our programme. Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here but we will also learn about nutrition self-esteem, etiquette and all the lively arts. What the hell are you doing, Lise?! I'm watching Side-show Bob. He's a lot less patronising than Krusty used to be. You backstabber, you traitor, you... Snap out of it, Bart. All those hours we spent staring at Krusty we were staring at a crook. I know Krusty's innocent. Don't ask me why. It's just a feeling I have. Oh, Bart. I think I can prove Krusty's innocent but I need your help. You do? Why? Come on, you know why. No. Why? I'll never forgive you for making me say this. You're smarter than me. So you with me? Yeah, man. Whoops! OK, don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth. Bart, look! Here on the microwave. So? I don't have a pacemaker. Bart, the tape showed that the robber heated up a burrito. So? Remember the get-well card we sent to Krusty? After his heart attack when he had a pacemaker put in. Aha! Wait a minute. Krusty can't read. So the poor guy can't read. Get off his back. Don't you get it, Bart? How could Krusty have been reading a magazine if he can't read? APU: If you're not going to buy it,.. put it down or I'll blow your heads off. Bart, I think you're right. Krusty was framed. Did he have any enemies? I don't know. But I know someone who would-- Krusty's best friend, Side-show Bob. "A volley of musketry flamed, thundered, roared. "A profound silence followed "Broken only by the approaching footsteps Of the third brigade." Next week, chapter 35 of The Man in the Iron Mask-- "The death of a Titan." That's our show for today. Now, in the words of Cole Porter... # Every time we say goodbye # # I die a little # # Every time we say goodbye # # I wonder why a little # # Every time we say goodbye # Good-bye. Great show, Side-show. Switchboards were jammed. The kids love you. Thanks, Ted. I'm glad we finally dispelled the myth that I'm too uptown for the tots. And, yet, I can't help thinking about poor Krusty. Oh... (SOBS) (SOBS TURN INTO EVIL LAUGHTER) Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * We see your face on key chains and pens. I think we'd do well to explore the more upscale market. For instance, Side-show Bob limited edition prints Collectors plates Commemorative coins. Ah. Ah. Ah. Some kids want to see you, Side-show Bob. They say it's important. We can sign these contracts tomorrow. Certainly. I take great pride in being able to sign my own name. Very funny. Hi, Side-show Bob. Can we ask you..? Forgive me, children. Sideshow Bob can't chat. He has a show starting. Here are tickets. Be my guest. OK, but... Let's run along. Hello, children. Whom do you love? Side-show Bob! Come on, Bart. Go with the flow. How much do you love me? With all our hearts! About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty. Today's show is a marvellous celebration of the human spirit. But, first, I see a youngster who looks troubled. What's your name, young man? Bart Simpson, sir. Perhaps we can shed some light on your problem in a new segment exploring pre-adolescent turmoil. I call it "Choices." I don't think so, sir. Bart, I'm reaching out to you. Oof! BOB: What's on your mind? I bet the other children don't accept you. True, but that doesn't bother me. My sisters and I have been investigating and it looks to us like Krusty was framed. Framed?! The videotape showed that the thief used the microwave at the Kwik-E-Mart but Krusty couldn't go near the thing with his pacemaker. Bart, as much as I love Krusty, he was never one to take doctor's orders too seriously. Well, maybe, but get this. Krusty was illiterate and the guy who robbed the store was reading the Springfield Review of Books. Bart, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag. Yeah, those are kind of funny. This sordid affair shocked us all but we must get on with our lives. Let's remember Krusty not as a criminal but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and putted around in his little car. And shot you out of a cannon. And shot me out of a cannon. We will never forget that. Bart, open your heart. I have some mighty big shoes to fill but give me a chance. I promise you won't be disappointed... ...There was a school of thought called Stoicism... Wait a minute! You did it! Excuse me? Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store. Side-show Bob framed him and I got proof. Ow! My foot! You lousy, stupid, clumsy... Krusty wore big shoes but he's got little feet, like all good people. Ow! But Side-show Bob fills his shoes with big, ugly feet. Kid's right. How do you figure we missed that? Get off your duffs and down to that studio. I admit I hated him. His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty. I would've gotten away with it except for these meddling kids. Take him away, boys. Treat kids as equals-- they're people, too! They're smarter than you think! They caught me! Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake. Uh... Won't happen again. It better not, you dimwit. I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated. The important thing is I regained the trust of the children. One boy trusted me all along. Bart? Yes, sir? Thank you. (BIG SIGH) Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018