(BELL RINGS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (PLAYS THE BLUES) (SCREAMS) RADIO DJ #1: Our own pie in the sky-- Bill Pie in the KBBL traffic copter. Bill: Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate. Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubbernecking and melon wrestling going on... Hey, doughnuts! Bart, there's one left, and it's mine. Oh, man. Aw, Dad! (HORN HONKS) Uh-oh, school bus. Cool your jets, man. We're coming. You forgot the special lunches I made. -That's OK, Mom. -We got money. -Now, just a darn... -(SCREAMS) RADIO: Over on the southbound main street... traffic is still stop and go... backed up to the Springfield Arts and Crafts Centre festival... on Peach Street. That's still going on. This is Bill Pie, your pie in the sky... saying goodbye. Well, Maggie, it's just you and me again. DJ #2: This is KBBL, K-babble. All talk, 24 hours a day. If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr Marvin Monroe. Our number is 555-Pain. Don't be afraid. Call now. (CLEARS THROAT) Hello. I'd like to talk to Dr Monroe. First name, age, problem? I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much... Hey, lady, save your whining for when you're on the air. RADIO: Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage. Hey, turn it up. I love hearing those wackos. Tell me about your husband, Marge. Well... When we were dating he was sweeter and more romantic... and 40 pounds thinner and he had hair... and he ate with utensils. What was that last thing you said? (SOBS) Isn't that your wife? Don't be ridiculous. My wife worships the ground I walk on. Marge, it's what I call 'harsh reality' time. Your husband sees you as nothing. Oh, OK, well, thank you. No, no, don't hang up. The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be. Really? As sure as my voice is annoying. Tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up and if he doesn't start loving, you will be leaving. Leave Homer? Don't use his real name. Leave Pedro? Can you be that honest? Yeah. Tell him right when he comes home. Yeah. Say it like you mean it. Yeah! Attagirl. (GULPS) Lisa: Come on, Bart. Not again. Aw, where's your sense of humour? Moe's Tavern. Hello, is Al there? Al? Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic. Let me check. Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an alcoholic here? Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellowbelly rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you. I hope you find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up. Is everything OK? Usually you have a quick one, a couple pickled eggs and you're out of here. Let's just say I don't feel like going home tonight. Jar, please. Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation? You might say that. My wife's going to leave me because she thinks I'm a pig. Marge's right-- you are a pig. Ask anyone in this bar. Hey, Barney, am I pig? You're no more of a pig than I am. (BELCHES) Oh, no. See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference-- once in a while we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards. Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that. I'm not done. After dinner, the two of you... check into the fanciest motel in town... and not check out until the next morning, if you get my drift. I read you loud and clear. (CHUCKLES) Wow, a quarter past six. What's keeping Dad? Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meat loaf night? I'd like some flowers. What kind of flowers? Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead. Well, we have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55 a dozen. One please. (GROWLS SOFTLY) (GROWLS SOFTLY) Hey, Mom. How about some grub? (GROWLS) (BOTH SCREAM) (GROWLS SOFTLY) Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Your husband sees you as nothing. The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be. If he doesn't start loving, you're leaving. (GROWLS) (GULPS) Marge, I... love you. No, that's not right. Marge, honey, I love you. No. Marge... I love you, baby. Marge, sweetie, honey, honey... Oh, this will never work. I love you, Marjorie. Oh, Homer. I love you, too. A little pre-dinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. -Is Oliver there? -Who? Oliver Clothesoff. I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff. Call for Oliver Clothesoff. (BOTH LAUGH) And I made reservations at the Chez Paris. But, Homer, it's so expensive. It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts, we'll adjourn to the Off Ramp Inn. Homer, I feel giddy. What about a babysitter? -Oops. -Not to worry. Moe: Listen, you lousy bum. If I ever find you, I'll cut your belly open. Goodness. Must be a crossed wire. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service. This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening. The Simpsons? Lady, you've got to be kidding. (RINGS) Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service. Hello, this is Mr Sampson. Did your wife just call? No, I said Sampson, not Simpson. Thank God. Those Simpsons. What a bunch of savages. Especially that big ape father. Doh! Actually, the Simpsons are neighbours of ours, and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family. Mom, you look so glamourous. Well, tonight is a very special night. Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing. Dad dances? Like an angel. # Ba, ba, # ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, # ba, ba, ba, # ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba! # Work that body, Homer. You know, one day, you'll learn to move like your old man. Not if I can help it. Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo. You don't have a clue, do you, Dad? Out, boy. Out! Psh. What a grump. (HUMS HAPPILY) Hm. Smooth as a baby's behind. # Ba, ba, # ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. # -(DOORBELL RINGS) -Precious, I think I hear the doorbell. You're right, dumpling. Bart, get the door! Aye, aye, mambo man. Ooomph. Homer: # Ba, ba # You must be the babysitter. Yes, I am Miss Botz. Just don't stand there, boy. Help Miss Botz with her suitcases. I can handle my own luggage. Thank you for coming on such short notice. Here are the phone numbers of the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where we'll be spending the night. You'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour. They can watch a tape from our video library. Oh, boy. The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub. Oh, the elves, the elves... Bye, kids. Watch out for the boy. Bye, now. Be good. Got to go. # Ba, ba, ba # Come, children. Let's go watch The Happy Little Elves. Lady, we've seen the crappy little elves 14 billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV. We're going to watch the tape. That's merely suggested viewing matter, lady. Mom let's us watch whatever the hell we want. I said you're going to watch this tape. You're going to do what I say or I'm going to do something to you. And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say! They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat this one right there. Why don't you pick one that's more frisky? Why? When you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster. Oh, OK. Then I'll take that one there with the beady eyes. Excellent choice, sir. May I lead you to your table? Oui, oui. After you. And I'll be seeing you later. Help! Help! Faster! Faster! We got to save Bubbles. Oh, man, I can't take it any more. But I want to see what happens. You know what happens. They find Kook's treasure, the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The end. Bart, you're like Chili, the elf who cannot love. Now, for some real TV. All right! America's Most Armed and Dangerous. Oh, no, Bart. We'll have nightmares! Relax. This is cinema verite. When the killing starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes. The Cueball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous. If you think you've seen him, call 1(800)U-Squeal. Marge: Homer, you look like a little boy. Homer: Cos I'm so carefree? No, because you're wearing a bib. (BOTH LAUGH) More champagne? Whoops. Time for a fill up. Garcon, another bottle of your second least expensive champagne. The youngsters were tied up in the living room while the bandit roamed through the house, stealing the valuables it took the family a lifetime to shop for. Marge, this is like when we were dating. Except for one thing: no chaperon. Ho, ho, hoo. The Babysitter Bandit has left a trail of nighttime robberies across the United States. She could be lurking anywhere ` about to descend upon another houseful of unsuspecting dupes. Wow. We will show you a picture of the real bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. She may be using a clever alias. Botz! And should be considered armed and dangerous. (BOTH SCREAM) (BOTH SCREAM) (THUNDER BOOMS) Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * (BOTH SCREAM) Run for it. 1(800)U-Snitch... No, U-Squeal! Oh, no. Don't forget to tell me when you see the Off Ramp. Marge: Oh, there it went. No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit. Bart? Bart? Bart? Bart? Hmm. Time to brush your teeth, wash your face... (MALICIOUSLY) and say your prayers. Are you in... here? Oh, homemade pickled beets. Go ahead. Take them all. (GRUNTS) Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this. Come on, come on. Finally. Hello, vigilant viewer. You have reached America's Most Armed and Dangerous. I'm calling to report the Babysitter Bandit. She's in our house right... Homer: Come on, Marge! Let me carry you over the threshold. Marge: OK, but watch out. Don't slam my head like last time. Sheesh! 11 years ago and you've never forgotten. Don't mess my hair. Wee! -This is fun! -(GRUNTS) We know who you are, Miss Botz. Or should I say, Ms Botzcowski? You're the Babysitter Bandit. You're smart, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut. He isn't. You're crazy if you think you're going to get away with this. I'm not a bad person. Here, while I finish up, you guys can watch your favourite video. (MUFFLED SCREAMS) Quiet, Bart. Let's make the best of this. Maybe I'll go slip into something more comfortable. Oh, your blue thing with the things? You'll see. Well, shake a leg, Mama. Kid's stuff. Hardly worth it. Lot of junk. Soiled, stupid Sampsons. Maggie. (MUFFLED TALKING) Maggie, come here. Elves: Bye! Bye, everybody. Goodbye. Maggie. You want to watch The Happy Little Elves again? OK. But you have to untie me first. Oh, Homer... (GRUNTS) Oh, so you got out of your crib. I guess you need to be tied up, too. Maggie, where are you? Maggie? Maggie? (DUMMY SUCKING NOISE) Ha, ha, ha. (GRUNTS) Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home? You know, just to check on the kids. (SNORES) (SNORES) Homer, wake up. There's no answer at home. -So? -So, I'm worried. I think we should go home. (YAWNS) All right. I suppose my work here is done. Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you? We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit. She's tied up at our house. Ask if there's a reward? Is there a reward? If she's convicted, we get T-shirts. Yeah! Marge: How come all the lights are on? Homer: I don't like this. -Marge: Miss Botz? -Homer: Miss Botz?! Good Lord, what have those little hellions done now? We're so sorry. We're so sorry. Please turn off the TV. I can't tell you how chagrined we are about this. Oh, these things are heavy. Just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay` no, triple your pay. Thank you. Mr Sampson, can I give you some advice? Sure. Don't turn your back on that boy for a second. (SIRENS SOUND IN THE DISTANCE) Ain't that the truth? You know, one time he... Huh? Bart: This way to the scene of the crime. I got her tied up in the den! Just a minute, young man. I don't know what you've been pulling this time, but I just untied your babysitter and paid her off so that... Reporter: Excuse me, sir. Are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious Babysitter Bandit? The what? The Babysitter Bandit. Oh, are you sure this microphone works? Well, I wouldn't say I aided her... This is on, right? Because actually it was a struggle. Oh, Homer. Have you seen a kung fu movie? It was like that. Now I know her moves. If you're listening, lady, you better think long and hard before trying something on Homer Simpson again. Lord help me, I'm just not that bright. Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right. Yeah. Yeah! Homer: Honey, can we make up again? Marge: Oh, my goodness! Able 2018 www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018