(Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Playing the blues) (Screams) Able 2018 Bart, no interruptions during Martin's book report. Martin: "You're killing me, fish. "Never have I seen a greater or more noble thing than you, brother. "Come on and kill me. "I do not care who kills who. "To catch a fish. "To kill a bull. "To make love to a woman. "To live." I thank you. Oh, absolutely brilliant! There were moments I truly believed you WERE Hemingway. Bravo, Martin. Please, call me Papa. A little ketchup for your buns, Papa? I think we have time for one more report. Bart Simpson, is your report on Treasure Island ready? Is it ready? Ha! What a question. Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled. Well, as Mrs. Krabapple already mentioned, the name of the book I read was Treasure Island. It's about these... pirates. Pirates with patches over their eyes... and shiny gold teeth... and green birds on their shoulders. Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten ` ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average, I give this book a nine. Ahem. Any questions? No? Then I'll just sit down. Did you read the book? I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt? Then perhaps you'd like to tell us the NAME of the pirate. Bart: Blackbeard, Captain Nemo, Pegleg Pete, Bluebeard... Bluebeard? Sit down, Bart. I'll see you after class. (Groans) Your grades have gotten steadily worse. Are you aware of that? Yes, ma'am. Are you aware there's a major exam tomorrow on Colonial America? Yes, ma'am. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, ma'am. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, ma'am. Bart, you haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you? Yes, ma'am. What did I say? Uh... straighten up and fly right? That was a lucky guess. Take that, Granny! Ow! Oh, no, deadly mothballs. Eww! Granny's kissing me. You have reached the level of ungrateful grandchild. Try again, if you dare. (Granny giggling) (evil laugh) Just a couple more games and I'll hit the books. (laughing) Soup's on! Hurry, or it will get that icky skin on top. Ew! I hate that icky soup skin. Right after dinner, it's down to business. Marge, could you get me another beer? In a second. Lisa has some good news. He doesn't care. I just want to have a beer while I'm caring. Marge? Homer! Go ahead, Lisa. I got an "A" on my vocabulary test. What!? You did? Well, that's just... Oh, what a glorious day! Hand me your paper. I'll take this to the refrigerator and... While I'm here I might as well kill two birds with one stone. You covered up my paper. Heh-heh, look at those whiskers. That reminds me ` it's big gorilla week on Million Dollar Movie. Come on. No, I should really... hyuhh! Ooh, Gorilla the Conqueror! The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour. (Homer crying) It's so unfair. Just because he's different. Well, time to hit the books. Burning the candle at both ends, eh? Go get 'em. All right, okay. Let's take care of some business. "Chapter one-- a dream of freedom. "On September 15, 1620, Puritan separatists "from the Church of England, some living in Holland "left Plymouth, England. "Their destination was..." Psst! Marge. Come take a look at this. Oh, the little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing? Just a little dim, I guess. Bart, honey, you're going to miss your bus. Uh-oh. Hey, Bart dude! Ooh, you look freaked. Otto Man, I've got a test I am not ready for. Could you crash the bus? Sorry, can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky. No reason to panic. Find an egghead, pump him for some answers and boom! I'm back on easy street. Oh-ho. Look at him. Bet he didn't study. He'll try to kiss up and get answers from us. He's pathetic. Good morning, girls. BOTH: Good morning, Bart. Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat? The Spirit of St. Louis. Where did they land? Sunny Acapulco. Why did they leave England? Giant rats. Cool! History's coming alive. As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care but the information pertaining to America's colonial period you've just received is erroneous. So you're saying... A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in its teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do. Thanks for the pep talk. Students, take one and pass the rest back. Bart: Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you. (groaning) What is it, Bart? Nothing. Must... take... test. (groaning) (whistling) (groaning) What's the matter, son? Short, stabbing pains in my stomach. Oh, dear. I've heard of this. Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm? Both arms, ma'am. Temporary loss of vision? Who said that? Come closer. Yes, dear? Ahh. Maybe one more dish. Make it double cappuccino chocolate fudge. Oh, your third bowl. You may be on the mend. Is there anything else? Hmm... perhaps the TV? Of course. Homer! What? Bring the TV up. Bart's got his vision back. D-ohh! I wish I had amoria phlebitis. Everyone knows you're faking it. Everyone better keep their mouth shut. You'll have to fail that test sooner or later. I've got my bases covered. Milhouse, what happened in school? Lewis made Richard laugh milk through his nose. You don't say. What about that test? Piece of cake, huh? Listen, what did you get for number one? Uh-huh. Number two? Oh, yeah, that sounds right. Mm, mm-mm, mm, mm, mmm. Ahh! Here you go, Mrs. Krabapple. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Mm-hmm. This test is worse than Milhouse's exam. Bart Simpson, I warned you. This is the final straw. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, you know our district psychiatrist Dr. J. Loren Pryor. Hey, Doctor J. Hmph. We have a classic case of what laymen refer to as "fear of failure." Bart is an underachiever, and yet he seems to be... how should I put this... proud of it. Hmm. One of his problems could be his short attention span which can lead to... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Uh-huh. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Mm. Bart has failed his last four history exams. Is there anything you're not telling us? No. Every other student shows some improvement, and you've continued to struggle. Why is that? I don't know. Look at these results-- fifty-five... forty-two... twenty-six... a 12 on state capitals? Okay! Why are we dancing around the obvious? I know it. You know it! I am dumb! Dumb as a post! You think I'm happy? Bart, you're just a late bloomer. I wish it were that simple. As shameful and emotionally crippling as it may be, my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat the fourth grade. What? Don't hold me back. I promise I'll do better. -Promises, promises. -Oh, sure. Well, maybe it would help him to be left back. It won't be so bad, Bart. No, I mean it. I swear I'll do better. Look at my eyes-- see the sincerity? See the conviction? The fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade! And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids. (Groans) Unlimited broadband now with Vodafone TV Intro ` it's TV like never before. Switch to Vodafone and get Vodafone TV Intro and three months' free unlimited broadband. That's over $640 of value. * Off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes. Otto, you know I respect you. You always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. Damn thing never goes over, does it? So what's in your head, little man? Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently. Yuh-huh? Now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up. That's it? Hey, relax, man. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you. I got held back in the fourth grade ` twice! And look at me, man. Now I DRIVE the school bus. Dr. Pryor: My recommendation is for Bart Simpson (echoes) to repeat the fourth grade... repeat the fourth grade... repeat the fourth grade. All right, class. The topic is world literature. What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island? Bart Simpson? Lady, I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hawking me for a new car and I need a root canal. Will you quit bugging me about this stupid pirate? It's Long John Silver, Dad. I heard that, Bart, Jr. I want to see both of you after class. D-ohh! Thanks a lot, son. (infield chatter) Yo, little help. I said, "Little help." Throw me the ball, Poindexter! Oh, I'm sorry, Bart. I'm unfamiliar with the rules of your sport. I didn't want to interfere with a ball in play. (laughing) Well, back to the forecastle of the Pequod. Hmm... Hey, Martin? You have your ball. I have nothing else of value. I need help getting a passing grade. You do need someone's help to get a passing grade, but I don't know why it should be me. Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you. They... laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular. You're not. - Watch. - Oof! (laughing) But my speed with numbers... My years of service as a hall monitor... My prizewinning dioramas... these things mean nothing to them? Perhaps another demonstration. (kids laughing) Very well. You have made your point. Then it's a deal? Yes. Let's have a look-see at your study area. Study area? Yes, your sanctuary from the hurly-burly of modern life. There's a desk under that junk. Martin: Tsk, tsk, tsk. No, this won't do at all. We'll have to clean up this room and we'll need a few ferns in here. No study area is complete without adequate plant life. No. No? Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, sit in the back row-- not just on the bus. In school and church, too. Why? So no one can see what you're doing. Ah! I understand. The potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure. Well, yeah, but don't say it like that. (Tyres skidding) (crashing) Nyahh! Uhhnng! - Aaah! - Aaah! Hyuhh! Soon you will be ready to try it with a real book. (laughing) Who would have thought pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory could be such a thrill? The screams, the humiliation, the fact that it wasn't me! I've never felt so alive. Great, Martin. Now the big test is tomorrow... Who cares about some test? Life's too short for tests! Hey, we had a deal! Ha, ha, ha! The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists! Come on, fellas! To the arcade! Cool, Martin! All right, Martin! Boys: Martin! Martin! Martin! (Humming "Row, row, row your boat") Bart? It's past your bedtime. Okay. This is hopeless. Ohh... Well, old-timer, it's the end of the road. I know I haven't been good, but if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more day to study, Lord. I NEED your help. Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel. A teacher's strike, a power failure, a blizzard ` anything that will cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, you can. Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson. (Hallelujah plays) Unlimited broadband now with Vodafone TV Intro ` it's TV like never before. Switch to Vodafone and get Vodafone TV Intro and three months' free unlimited broadband. That's over $640 of value. * (Groans) Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy. Time to wake up. Oh, no, no. Look at the snow! Huh? Whoa! Good morning world! Rise and shine, Springfield residents. It's the Bill and Marty Show! - He's Bill. - He's Marty. Two grown men who can't get enough of each other. It looks like we've got some snowformation for all of you. All: Shh! Springfield electric, gas and water plants are closed for the day. Don't forget the nuclear plant. That's closed too! Please, please, please, please... Whoo-hoo! All right! For all you youngsters, this is what you've been waiting for. Springfield county schools... I can't read it. I'm too excited. Springfield county schools will be... - Please, please, please... - ...closed! All right, man! (children cheering) Wait, come back-- your hat! Wear your galoshes! Cowabunga! Take a break if your arms go numb. Hey. I heard you last night. You prayed for this. Your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. But he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe him big. You're right. I asked for a miracle and I got it. I got to study, man. I'm not missing anything. Frozen earlobes. Trudging up the sled hill over and over. How good could it be? (Children laughing) I haven't had this much fun in years! Gotcha, Burnsy! Why, you young ragamuffin. I was never one to back away from a snowball fight. Smithers, fire at will. Certainly, sir. I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day. The funnest day in the history of Springfield. (Cheering) # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # # In the day, snow is glistening. # # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # # walking in a winter wonderland # # Gone away is a bluebird # # here to stay... # Got to study, got to study, got to study! "Chapter six-- "the First Continental Congress "faced a difficult job. "Could the delegates agree on recommendations "that all Americans could support?" We hold these truths to be self-evident... Bart: "We hold these truths to be self-evident." ...that all men are created equal. "...Created equal." That from that equal creation they derive rights, inherent and inalienable... Look everybody-- it's snowing! In July? It's a miracle. Fellows! I've invented something fun ` the sled! (shouting and laughter) Founding father: Look! John Hancock's writing his name in the snow! (slapping) Do you want to be held back a grade? Concentrate, man! (slapping) Later, Mrs. K. Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over. Do you think you could grade it now, please? Well, all right. Let me get "old red." Mm-hmm. Yup. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, Bart, it's a 59. That's another "F." Oh, no. I can't believe it. I know, I know. Another year together. Oh! It's going to be hell. (Sobs) What's the matter? I'd think you'd be used to failing by now. No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I mean, I REALLY tried. There, there. This is as good as I can do, and I still failed. Well, a 59 -- it's a high "F." Who am I kidding? I really am a failure. Now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754. What? You know, 1754 ` the famous defeat to the French. My God, Bart, you're right. So? You demonstrated applied knowledge, and due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference, you deserve an extra point. You mean, I passed? Just barely. (gasps) I passed. I got a "D-". I passed! All right! # I passed, I passed I passed! # I got a "D-"! I passed! I got a "D-"! I passed! I got a "D-"! I passed! I passed! I... kissed the teacher! (Splutters) We're proud of you, boy. Thanks, Dad. But part of this "D-" belongs to God. Able 2018