* (bell ringing) (whistle blowing) (playing the blues) (Beep! Beep!) (Screams) Able 2018 North Dakota's capital is named after what German ruler? Hitler! Hitler, North Dakota? Both: Bismark. Hitler?! I'm still beating you, boy. The colours of the Italian flag are red, white and what? - Blue! - Yellow! - Green. - Orange! Black! Green! - TV: Green. I was right! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge. I used to think losing my hair was as inevitable as the tides. Then I heard about Dimoxinil, the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth. Miracle breakthrough? Miracle breakthrough?! The odds are Dimoxinil can help me grow as much or as little hair as I want to. Hey, today I'm going to do it. Announcer: For your free brochure, send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah. Hair. Hair. Just like everybody else. You know, some women find bald men quite virile. Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough not one of these cheap-o, sucker deals. (Peaceful mall music) Allow me to present the Dimoxinil Action Set. A six-month supply of the drug, the gravity boots, scalp massager and your T-shirt. Great, great. How much? $1,000. A thousand bucks?! I can't afford that. We do have a product which is more in your price range. However, I must assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental. A thousand bucks... Of all the rip-off, screw job, gyp joint... (Sobs) Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing! (sobbing) So I say, "Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing!" And I stormed out of there. That's telling him, Homer. Oh! I'm out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny, you going to use yours? Dry fish sticks. This sucks. Quit complaining, Chrome Dome. If I had hair, you wouldn't call me that. Homer, don't be a sap all of your life. Fill out medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company. It's a thousand bucks. Burns would can my butt. A thousand bucks -- so what? To Mr. Burns, that's one ivory back scratcher. You pay into the insurance fund. What do you get out of it? Nothing. Well, that newsletter. Why should you get nothing while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot? You got me. Uh, I'd like to charge that Dimoxinil stuff to my health insurance. Look, buddy. I don't know who put you up to this, but no insurance plan in this state covers something as frivolous as Dimoxinil. (radio blasting) Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes. Come alone. (humming) (whirring) Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen. (yawning) (glugging, gargling) (swishing) (humming) (gasping) I have hair. I have hair! I have hair! Look! Look! Good morning, Springfield! Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Winfield! Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie?! Good morning, Moe's Tavern! Hey, it's the president. Good morning, everybody! All: Good morning. Good morning, everybody! Good morning, Springfield! Both: Dimoxinil! (jubilant laughter) (gasping) (laughter) Well, Homer Simpson. Why, you haven't been here in 20 years! You got rid of the sideburns. Give me the usual. Marge: He's happier at work, and, well, just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years. (Grunts) I don't want to think about it. Homer: Daddy's home, sugar. (giggling and cooing) Homer: Come here, you! Marge: Ooh! Oh, Homey, my sisters are here. Homer: Ah, dinner with three beautiful women. I must be in heaven. This is Homer? Oh, my. Patti, stop drooling. Look who's talking. Something's different about you, Homer. You lose weight? Looks like you got a tan. I know. It's a new tie. (Homer laughing) Burns: Morons... pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my money. None of these cretins deserves a promotion. It's in the union contract. One token promotion from within per year. Wait! Who is that young go-getter? Well, it looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful. Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mould in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me! Attention! Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say goodbye to your former friends and report to room #503 for reassignment to a better life. * Your resume seems in order. Besides typing and stuff, do you have any other qualifications? I give great back rubs to haired executives. Let me show you. Uh, no, no. Thank you. Good-bye. Hello. Hello, Homey. How's my big, important executive? Every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me. Hmm... Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Karl. He sounds good. Hire him. Bye, Marge. Simpson. Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00. Just sit there and keep your mouth shut. Got it? Yes, Mr. Smithers. He thinks he's so big. You don't belong here. Huh? You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phoney, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. (Gasps) Who told you? You did with the way you slump your shoulders and talk into your chest. The way you smother yourself in bargain basement lime green polyester. I want you to say to yourself "I deserve this." "I love it." "I am nature's greatest miracle." Go ahead, say it. - I... I deser... - Trust me, Homer. - I... - Take a step and say it! I deserve this. Louder! I deserve this! Shout it! I am nature's greatest miracle! I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses. You've got it, buddy! Let's go shopping! Oooh... beauty. A man's suit should make him feel like a prince. It should cry out to the world, "Here I am." "Don't judge me. Love me." Do any of these suits do that? No. Whoo! I like this. No, no, no. Stand naturally, Mr. Simpson. Let it all hang out. You, conceal it. (humming) Mom and Dad have been smooching again. Got to run, Marge. Can't be late! Happy anniversary, Homer. (Gasps) What? Our anniversary? Are you sure? Don't worry, Homey. This year you have an excuse for not remembering with your job... Happy anniversary, Mrs. Homer Simpson! # You are so beautiful # # to me, yeah # # You are so beautiful # # to me. # - # Can't you see? # - Oh, Homer... - (Phone rings) Hello? Mr. Simpson, it's Karl. Ah, it sounds like everything has arrived. Wonderful. You did this? Yes, sir. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds. # You are so beautiful # # to me. # I love you, Homer! I love you, Karl... Marge. Proceed, Smithers. Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record-high worker accident rate. Duh... Any suggestions? A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots. We could put caffeine in the water cooler. Those are my ideas! You people don't think; you regurgitate! That's why I promoted someone who's in touch with the workers. - You. - I think you mean him, sir. You, then. How would you improve the workers' situation? Well, I... Well, sir, for one thing, we had a problem every Tuesday when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks... Fish sticks?! What are you talking about?! Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish and chop the rest into sticks and then put seasoned breadcrumbs` I know what fish sticks are! Get to the point! You only get this tiny cup of tartar sauce to dip it in. I always run out. Stop wasting our time, Simpson. Shut up, Smithers! Can't you see what he's saying? A happy worker is a busy worker. Three cents' worth of tartar sauce could save thousands of man-hours in labour. I like the cut of your jib, Simpson. Let the fools have their tartar sauce. Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys. Give me your plates. Don't crowd. Plenty for everybody! Hmm, brilliant. Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms would pay off so quickly? Accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself has known or suspected to have caused last month. Our output level was just as high during Simpson's last vacation. My dear, tired old Smithers. Do I detect a note of jealousy? (laughing) It is time. Give Simpson... the key. Karl: Mr. Simpson, don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer. They've given you... the key! (Gasps) The key?! Who's got the key? (all gasping) (Classical music plays) (Birds chirp) Karl: Stunning. Absolutely stunning. (Toilet flushes) Hey, ho, men. I was watching the Dumont last night. I caught a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the desert fox. There's a man who got things done. Towel, please, Simpson. Allow me, sir. I said Simpson. Sure thing, Mr. Burns. Well done, Simpson. Now walk behind me down the hallway. Can do, sir. (Ominous music) "$1,000. Dimoxinil. "Keep brain from freezing." Now I've got you, Simpson. (laughing) * Marge: Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe, we're not saving anything for a rainy day. Rainy day? There's never going to be a rainy day. There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky. What does my little girl want? An absence of mood swings and some stability. Uh... How about a pony? Okay. (Thunder rumbles) Burns: I want you to weave that patented Simpson magic with my executives. A short speech. Work, work, work. Okay, what the hey? Excellent. Set you to your task, Simpson. Hmm. Uh, Mr. Burns, it is my sad duty to report that one of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1,000. What?! Blast his hide to Hades! Ooh. And I was going to buy that ivory back scratcher. How did he do it? He charged the company for Dimoxinil. It's a baldness cure. Thank you very much, Professor Science. I know what Dimoxinil is. Now, go make an example of this hooligan. With pleasure, sir. Karl, you got to help me. Mr. Burns wants me to make some speech to his executives... What do you want? Just thought I'd drop by to tell you you're fired. What?! Our company does not look kindly upon $1,000 worth of insurance fraud. Clean out your desk by noon. Wait, Mr. Smithers. Homer Simpson is innocent. I did this. - You did? - What are you talking about? Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety. I take full responsibility. Really? Oh. Well, then, you're fired, whoever you are. Here's your $1,000. Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald? My reasons are my own. Karl, you saved me. Why? Have I done something extraordinary here today? No. I did what I was born to do -- what any good soldier would have done when a live grenade threatened his commander. I threw myself upon it and bore its terrible brunt. Thanks, Karl. I don't know what to say. Just walk me to my car. Bye, Karl. I'm going to miss you. Bye, Mr. Simpson. Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today? D'ohh! No. Here. (Karl sneezes) Okay, okay, okay, you're broke. You don't have Karl anymore, but you've got your hair. It's all about hair. Oh, that big speech. Aho... Hey, what's happening, hip cats? No way! It's gotta be a fake! It's like Realsville, daddy-o. - Bart! What are you doing? - Uh-oh. - Ah! - Ah! - Why, you little... - Uh-oh. (Bart screaming) (Homer screams) Boy... must... die! I love you, Dad. Oh! Dirty trick. OK. I won't kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family and baldness is hereditary. It is?! (sobbing) Oh, Homer, why don't you just call the pharmacy? I don't have 1,000 bucks! But you do, don't you, Marge? You've been squirreling it away, haven't you? Saving it for a rainy day, right, right? Homer! (Sobs) Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion. Marge: Oh, Homey, I'm so sorry. (Shudders) Got that big speech in five minutes, huh? You're not going to hang yourself, are you? D'ohh... Huh? Karl: "Dear Mr. Simpson. "I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech "on the enclosed numbered three-by-five cards. "All the big words are spelled... "pho-en-ne-net-tically. "God bless you. "You are one of Springfield's very special creatures. "Your obedient servant, Karl." - Good luck, sir. - Ah! Karl. So that wasn't just a sweet voice I heard inside my head. What are you doing here? I came to say good-bye to the gals in the typing pool. Thanks for the speech, Karl, but I can't give it. Look at me. I guess I haven't taught you anything. What do you mean? Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss' hands. You did it all. It was never the hair. You did it because you believed you could and you still can. No, I can't. I'm just a big fool. No, you're not. How do you know? Because my mother taught me to never kiss a fool. Karl. Now, go get 'em, tiger. (growls) And now with some fresh insights, one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family, - Homer Simpson. - (Applause) What in blazes? Who is that old geezer? What has he done with Homer Simpson? (Chuckles) He is Homer Simpson, sir. (clears throat) Uh, a lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this. He's crazy! Yet we at this power plant are doing this every hour of every day. Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods. I can save this company millions of dollars. How? Through Jiko Kandri, the Japanese art of self-management. This bald man has no ideas. If this is a joke, I'm not laughing. Some nerve -- telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair. ...inefficiently mining uranium that can be purchased cheaply on the foreign markets. The long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost for a net savings of five thousand, two... (mumbling) ...lots of money. Mr. Burns' office. Right now. Dead man coming through. Mr. Burns: Well, well, well. Our dashing young junior executive. You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson. I should fire you on the spot. But... I'm not going to. Uh, why? Simpson, how old do you think I am? I don't know. 102? I'm only 81. You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days, my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. Oh, I was big man on campus until my senior year when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. You see, Simpson, I, too, know the sting of male pattern baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back. What? Oh, thank you, thank you. Get out of here before I reconsider. Oh. Better hurry up. (Homer mumbling) Homer, are you still awake? I've never been more awake in my life. What's wrong? Are you kidding? I'm stuck in that dead-end job again. The kids are going to hate me 'cause I can't buy them all that stuff I promised them, and you're not going to love me as much 'cause I'm ugly and bald. Oh, Homer. Your job has always put food on our table, and the kids will get over it. And? And what about loving me? Oh, Homer, I... - Come here. - Why? Come here. # You are so beautiful # to me # # You are so beautiful # to me # # Can't you see? # Aw. # You're everything that I hope for # # I'm everything you need # - # You are so beautiful to me. # - # I am so beautiful to you. # www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018