(Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Playing the blues) Able 2018 So, kids, caught anything? Not yet, sir. What are you using for bait? My brother's using worms but I, who feel the tranquility outweighs the actual catching of fish am using nothing. What's your name, son? Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. In my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders. This is my day, and we do, sir. All right, we eat tonight! Hooah! Wait a minute. One, two... three? Leave it to Mary Bailey to finally do something about that hideous genetic mutation. If I was governor I'd do better things with my time. Like what? Make Washington's and Lincoln's birthdays separate holidays. President's day-- what a rip-off. I bust my butt... - You're late for work, Homer. - So? Try not to spill anything. Keep those mutants coming. Oh, man! Plain cake doughnuts. Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys! Why can't I ever get here on time? Burns: Hi-ho, faceless employees. In a few moments the government inspection team will be touring our plant. So look busy and keep your mouths shut. That is all. Very stirring, sir. - Here they come. - Hold me, Smithers. Geiger counters on. rapid clicking - Huh? - Huh? - Huh? That's normal background radiation-- the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility or playgrounds or hospitals. Sorry. Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower. I'm as shocked as you are. Plutonium rod used as paperweight. Now that shouldn't be. Yeah, well, that's always been like that. (Snores) Uh... just resting my eyes. Well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee. Monitoring station unmanned. Look here, inspector could I speak to you privately in my office? Mr Burns, in 20 years I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable... Oh, look. Some careless person has left thousands of dollars just lying on my coffee table. Smithers, why don't we leave the room and hopefully, when we return the pile of money will be gone. D-ohh! Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here. Burns, I think you're trying to bribe me. Is there some confusion about this? Take it, you poor shmo. Mr Burns, I'm going to overlook this felony however, I will not overlook the 342 violations I have observed at your plant today. Either bring this place up to code or we'll shut it down. Good day. Oh, well. A little dab of paint here a little spackle there... how much could it possibly cost to fix this place up? Approximately $56 million, sir. - $56 million?! - Don't hit me. Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you. Now, please go. I would be alone. # Once I built a railroad # # made it run... # (Sniffles) # Made it race against time # # Once I built a railroad # # now it's done # # brother, can you spare a dime? # # Half a million boots went slogging through hell # # I was a kid with a drum... # Empty-- bah! (Screams) Uh... just resting my eyes. Oh. Holy moly! 9:30. Hello, Marge. Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse here. Yeah, these 12-hour days are killing me. Echo! Echoing: Echo, echo, echo... (Laughs) Burns: # Hey, don't... Huh? # It was Al, all the time # # hey, don't you remember? # # I'm your pal # # buddy # # can you spare a dime? # (Crys) Hmm? What the..? Uh... Mr Burns? (Screams) It's just me, Homer Simpson. Are you okay? Working late, Simpson? Yes, sir. We're a dying breed, Simpson. I'm going to share something with you. Hop in. Ooh! Cushy. Homer, they're trying to shut us down. They say we're contaminating the planet. Well, nobody's perfect. Can't the government just get off our backs? If I was governor, I'd do things differently. It costs more than any honest man can afford to run for office. You could afford it. (Growls) Don't get me wrong. You're an honest man. I just meant that you could afford to run for governor. I'm just rambling because you keep staring at me. If you were governor you could decide what's safe and what isn't. Where we going, sir? Burns: To create a new and better world. Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off? Finally, the kitchen. Something light. Like... Okarito. Okarito. Goes well with Alexandra. Oh, look. Whoa, pink. Or... Hot Water Beach. Very relaxing. Pinky, blue. It's not very kitchen-y. But it is pretty... nursery. Hmm. Nursery? Or we could go Rangitikei River. (GASPS) Oh! (LAUGHS) You little beauty! So, the nursery. * He's got my vote. Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family. Mary Bailey won't fire me if I don't vote for her. I'm for Monty Burns. Ooh! A political discussion. I feel like a Kennedy. I don't see how one of the most despicable men ever has a chance against the most beloved governor our state has ever known. Man: Here's the problem as I see it. While Governor Bailey is beloved by all 98% of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. That's why we've assembled the finest team money can buy. This is your speech writer joke writer, spin doctor makeup man and personal trainer. Their job-- to turn this Mr Burns... into this. Why are my teeth showing like that? Because you're smiling. Ah, excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for. How do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Bailey? With this team of investigators-- your muckraker, your character assassin your mudslinger, your garbologist. Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this... into this. Visual aids help so much. But first there's an issue we need to neutralise immediately. Burns: D-ohh! I hate that fish. Thank you for watching movie for a dreary afternoon. Now for a paid political announcement from the Friends of Montgomery Burns. - Change the channel. - You change it. - You change it. I did last week. Fine, be a jerk. We'll just sit here and watch it. Oh, no, an election? Isn't it one of those deals where they close the bars? Sorry, Barney. Wonder if he'll mention that horrible fish? I'll bet before the papers blew this out of proportion you didn't know how many eyes a fish had. (Growls) 30 seconds to air. - Remember to smile. - I AM smiling. You'll have to do better than that. (Grunts) How's this? There you go. I will be sore tomorrow. We've done all we can. The rest is up to you. When this political announcement is done every Johnny Lunchpail in this stupid state will be eating out of my hand. Oh, hello, friends. I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor. I'm here to talk to you about my friend Blinky. Many consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation. Nothing is further from the truth. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks. Hello, Mr Burns. Oh, hello, Charles. Tell our viewers about your theory of natural selection. Glad to, Mr Burns. Every so often, mother nature changes her animals giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs or, in this case, a third eye. And if these variations are an improvement the new animals thrive and multiply and spread across the earth. So you're saying this fish might have an advantage over other fish? Maybe a kind of superfish. Would you mind having a third eye? Heh-heh-heh... no. If our anti-nuclear nay-sayers and choose-up-siders were to come upon an elephant frolicking in the waters next to our power plant they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear bogeyman. This fish is a miracle of nature with a taste that can't be beat. Mm-mmm! So, to summarise... say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows but stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky. Good night and God bless. Chorus: # Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote # # for Mon-teee Burns! # Wow! Superfish! I wish the government WOULD get off his back. That Burns is just what this state needs-- young blood! Can Burns and I count on your support, honey? Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster. Yeah, well, I'm a Burns Booster. Ow! Congratulations! The polls show you're up six points. Giving me a total of..? Six... but we're on our way. Mary Bailey: My opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however prefer to rely on their intelligence. Interesting strategy. I say taxes are too high! (Cheers) (Crowd cheers) (Crowd cheers) Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey? - Checked her garbage. - Talked to her maid. The only negative thing is some guy she dated when she was 16. - Ah!... And? - He felt her up. Bah! Not good enough. We're going to send a message to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital! Is your boss governor yet? Not yet, son, not yet. - The voters now see you as imperial and god-like. - Hot dog! But polls indicate you've lost touch with the common man. Oh, heaven forfend! The night before the election we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers. Oh, I get your angle. Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punchclock. The media will have a field day. Manager: The only question is-- can we find someone common enough? (Belches) Ugh. Well, I knew there would be sacrifices. (Belches) Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * (crunches) Oh, great toast, Marge! Oh, by the way the night before the election Mr Burns is coming over for dinner. What? And some reporters who you won't feed. - Cool! A media circus. - Absolutely not. Come on, Marge. I'll be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey. D-ohh! Kids, leave the room. I don't want you to see this. Uh-oh. Please, please, please, please, please, please. (Growls) We're hoping one of the children pops up with a question about the upcoming election. Could you memorise this? "Your campaign has the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?" Very good. Can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may render it uninhabitable? Just the card question. - The non-card question is a valid... - Marge! My daughter's very bright. She can memorise your question by tomorrow. And finally Mr Burns wants you to appear affectionate to him but we must remind you, he hates being touched. (Growls) Mmm? Marge, get back in bed. No, I'm just fine right here. - I just want to snuggle. - Well, I don't. What's that got to do with it? You won't let me express myself. But you do get to express yourself with the home you keep and the food you serve. Hmm... okay, Homer. Fair enough. You got it. All right. That's it. That's how I'm going to express myself. Good night. Huh? (TV crew chatters) Well, what do we think? Hey, hello, handsome. Hey, get that stuff off his face. We're having dinner with a common man not Tyrone Power. Latest polls are in. It's dead even. Fifty-fifty. This cornball stunt will put us over the top. Whoa, he's here! Hello, Homer. Marge, you look dazzling. Oh, and look, I've brought noodle kugel. D-ahh! Uh... bad dog! Bad neighbour dog. Here, let me help you up, Mr Burns. Watch it. I love dogs. Babies too. (Crowd gasps) Kitty, kitty. Are you all right, Mr Burns? Roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite. The latest polls are in. The statesman-like way you handled the pet incident put you over the top. You're ahead, 51 to 49. Congratulations, "Mr Governor." Excellent. Bart, would you like to say grace? Dear God... we pay for this ourselves, so thanks for nothing. (Gasps) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen. (Chuckles) He's smokin', he's smokin'. Um, you know, Mr Burns... my family and I, um... (Burps) feel our taxes are too high. Where do you stand on this controversial issue? Goodness, I didn't realise this casual dinner would turn into a charged political debate. I was only reading the... Homer, I agree with you, and if I'm elected I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not! Lisa, do you have a question for your Uncle Montgomery? Yes, sir. A very inane one. (sighs) Mr Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular? Ooh, a tough question, but a fair one. Lisa, there's no single answer. Some voters respond to my integrity. Others to my incorruptibility. Still others by my determination to lower taxes and the bureaucrats can put that in their pipes and smoke it! Oh, Mom, that felt awful. I'm sorry, dear. It will be over soon. But we've become the tools of evil. Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt. Burns: ...or even a square deal. (Sniffs) Mmm! Smells delightful. (Everyone gasps) All right-- three-eyed fish! Your plate, Mr Burns? Ptui! (Everyone gasps) Get a shot. I can't believe it. He's blown it for sure. Ruined before it hit the ground. City desk? Your headline-- "Burns can't swallow own story." Burns' popularity has plummeted to earth like so much half-chewed fish. You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee. We're not licked yet. Yes, we are. Come on, boys, he's finished. You can't do this to me. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns! (Grunts) (Grunts) Smithers, tip over this table for me. Yes, sir. Homer... Homer, make them stop. Ahem! Uh, Mr Burns? Uh, Mr Burns? Shut up and wreck something. Mr Burns? I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish. She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful. Ironic isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election and yet if I were to have them killed I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. You are noble and poetic in defeat. Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh, you're busted, Dad. Homer: My dreams will go unfulfilled? I don't like the sound of that. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better, please? Can't you make it better? Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping till noon on weekends no one man can destroy them. Hey, you did it! Captions by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018