(bell rings) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 So, Homer, what happened in Capital City? Oh, Barney. We're dying of curiosity. There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. I never want that to happen to me. Please, Homer. Well, okay. It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No-More-Than-Three-Children Night down at Springfield Stadium. Well, I think we lost him. Hey, and we're at the ball park. All right! Two birds with one stone. Okay, everybody out. (cheering and yelling) Some of these players may make it to the big leagues one day. Aren't we going to see any washed-up major leaguers? Sure, we get a nice mix here. I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night. There's the green grass of the outfield the crushed brick of the infield and chalk lines that divide the man from the boy. Lisa, honey, you're forgetting the beer. It comes in 72-ounce tubs here. I hope you'll space out the tubs, Homer. Why? Last year you got rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire. Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right-- no, the duty-- to make a complete ass of myself. Hmm. Ah, the Gammills. Good to see you. You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir. Forget contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. Put a little smile on his card, Smithers. Already there. It's the Simpsons. Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps. Uh, Simpsons, sir. Huh? Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and 'expecting'. The card needs to be updated. Well... Oh, that's okay. The baby's name isn't important. Vendor: Peanuts! Get your peanuts here! Bart: Oh, wow! There's Flash Bailor. I want his autograph. He used to be a star. Will you sign my ball? No. Lousy, washed-up broken-down tub of guts. Who does he think he is, anyway? What's the matter? He wouldn't sign my ball. Well, he's a fine role model. Give me that. Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail. Hey, there, little lady. What can Flash do for you? Here you go, Bart. Hmm. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel "Room 26. How 'bout it? Flash." Wow! Flash Bailor came on to my wife. You've still got the magic, Marge. Dad, look! You're on Jumbovision. Whoa! Hey, everybody, how you doing? Look at me. I'm Homer Simpson. (crowd laughing) Homer, X-Y-Z. Examine my zipper? Whoops! Thanks, everybody. Game announcer: Throwing out tonight's first ball the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest and cleanest energy source-- Mr. Montgomery Burns. (scattered applause) They love you, sir. As well they might. When I was a young buck my fadeaway pitch was compared by many to the "Trouble Ball" of the late, great Satchel Paige. Spit on this, Smithers. One hocker coming up, sir. (spits) Wuah! What a lame-o. I think I could actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up. Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm! You throw like my sister, man! Yeah, you throw like me! Ladies and gentlemen, to honour America please rise for our national anthem sung by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy. # Oh # # oh, say # # can you-- # I'm asking-- # can you see # # by the dawn's... # # ...and the rocket's red glare # # the bombs burstin' # # shoot it out # # poppin' way up in the air... # # ...and the home of the # # brave. # (everyone sighs) Dan Hoard, mikeside. Tonight our Isotopes take on the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The 'Topes are looking to snap that 26-game losing streak-- longest in professional baseball. Sitting with the employees-- this proves I'm their friend. Get me something on an aisle, Smithers. I don't want to be surrounded. Let's go now! Swing, batter! We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher! We want a catcher not a belly scratcher! Here, sir. Oh, no. Sitting next to the boss. The best night of the year, and it's ruined. Of all the lousy, rotten... All this means is you can't wave your fanny in public. Oh, rub it in. Beer here! Duff beer! Did you here that, Marge? Delicious, frosty beer. Fat lot of good it does me, sitting next to old man Burns. Now, Homer. I suppose you want a beer. Me, sir? Oh, no, not a chance. Only idiots drink beer. Why don't you join me? My treat. If someone of your stature can enjoy a beer maybe I'm all turned around on the subject. Wait a minute. Are we having a drug test tomorrow? No. Vendor, two, please. Vendor: $2.50. (organ music) The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker! Good one, sir. I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park. Little baby batter can't control his bladder! Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos? Don't mind if I do. (organ playing) Well, Simpsy, you up for another wave? All right, Burnsy. Wo! Wa! Wa! Wo! Wo! Wa! Bases loaded. 'Topes have one out, down by three. Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. Damnation. These banjos couldn't carry Pie Traynor's glove. After big Bill McCloskey pops out we'll do the postgame show. All we need is a grand slam. (muttering) My one game of the year ruined by pathetic incompetence. Playing "Baby Elephant walk" What's wrong with you people? Show some spirit! Your team needs you! Come on! As I got up, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle. There's some nut in right field dancing up a storm. He's got the crowd going. Let's see if he can shake up Big Bill McCloskey. Swung on and belted to deep left field! It's going, going... it's gone! Oh, my God! The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game! That was certainly exciting. Yes. Unfortunately Homer Simpson's shameless exhibitionism tainted the evening. I want him banned for life from all company outings. (chuckling) Man: Way to go, Homer. Hey, thank you. You're too kind. I can't take all the credit. The batter did his part, too. You, sir-- the dancing fella. I'm Antoine Texohara. I own the Isotopes. Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot? Me? A mascot for a bush league team? I should have slept on it or at least stared blankly for a while. Perhaps if I had been unable to think of a nickname all our lives might have been spared. Man: Get on the bus, Dancin' Homer. Shut up! I'm thinking of a name. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Well, I'm ready to punch in. Hey, cool, man. Our lives have taken an odd turn. Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer? Nope. This was my idea. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos. Kids: All right! For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me they were laughing towards me. Hoard: 'Topes win! 'Topes win! Two in a row! Two in a row! playing "The Baby Elephant Walk" A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day. Ooh, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie. Hey, knock that off or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine. Oh, yeah? And where might that be? Oh. (cheering) Helen, I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight. Play "Baby Elephant Walk" with a reggae kind of beat. "The baby elephant walk" playing reggae style With Jamaican accent: Go, Dancin' Homer. Lively up yourself, Dancin' Homer. Bases loaded. Two outs. The good guys trail by a run. Crowd: "S!" "P!" "R!" "I!" "N!" "G!" "F!" "E!" "E!" "L!" "D!" Springfield! Yay! Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. 'Topes lose. 'Topes lose... 'Topes lose... You wanted to see me, Tex? Homer, we knew when you started this you wouldn't be here forever. Oh, oh, oh, I get it. You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot. You make me sick. Homer, I'm not firing you. You've been called up to Capital City. Me? In the majors? That's right. Capital city HAS a mascot. The greatest mascot there is-- the Capital City Goofball. But he's old and needs someone to fill in a couple of innings a night. It's a big opportunity. I'll say. Why don't you talk with your family? Because they might say no. This was our biggest decision. I should have listened to the kids instead of my dumb wife. I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue... ow! I can't leave Springfield. I was born here. I should die here. It won't be so bad. You'll die some place else. What am I supposed to do about friends? You'll make new and better friends. But, Dad, we're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us. Homer, I'd be lying if I didn't say that this scares me but we all have a calling-- a reason we're on this earth-- and yours might be to dance on dugouts. You mean..? Let's do it, Homer. Yeah, let's blow this pop stand and never look back. Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. I've got to convince my supervisor to give me a leave of absence. Sure. What would you like? Four years? Five years? So, Simpson, you're really moving to Capital City? That's right, Ned. All this stuff is for sale? I don't know how to say this, but... Knock it off, Flanders. Don't start blubbering on me. I'm going to miss you too... not. I don't know, Bart. I'm going to miss you and all, but... Come on, Milhouse. This way we'll be friends forever. Well... okay. Eww! Eww! I'm going to miss you, spit brother. I'm going to miss YOU, spit brother. I feel that if we had gotten to know each other better my leaving would have meant something. Yeah. Yeah, right. Well, we have one quick stop and then it's on to Capital City. I can't believe it-- our baby sister in the big city. I'll call every day. Me too. (honking) Look, he can use a horn. (honking) Oh, shut up. Homer: Some may say that I have been given a bad break in life-- little education bald as a cue ball ten years on the same job for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City I consider myself the luckiest mascot on the face of the earth. (crowd cheering) With the fickle fans already forgetting me I was ready to take the biggest step of my life. D-ohhh! Homer: Well, kids, there it is-- Capital City! Look! The Crosstown Bridge! Wow. Wow. (music playing) Tony Bennett: # There's a swingin' town I know # # called Capital City... # The Penny Loafer! # ...People stop and scream hello # # in Capital City... # Kids, look! Street crime. # It's the kind of place that makes a bum # # feel like a king... # Wow! That's service! # And it makes a king # # feel like some nutty, cuckoo super-king... # Look, it's Tony Bennett! Hey, good to see you. # It's against the law to frown in Capital City # # you'll caper like a stupid clown # # when you chance to see... # Fourth street and D! # ...Fourth street and D, yeah! # # Once you get a whiff of it # # you'll never want to roam... # The Duff brewery! # Capital City, my home, sweet... yeah! # # Capital City # # that happy, tall city # # it's Capital City, my home, sweet, swinging home! # Capital city, yeah! C... A... P... uh... I... Come to bed, Homie. Sorry, honey. I'm just a little nervous. We would talk about it always. For the first time in our lives Marge fell asleep before I did. Finally, the kitchen. Something light. Like... Okarito. Okarito. Goes well with Alexandra. Oh, look. Whoa, pink. Or... Hot Water Beach. Very relaxing. Pinky, blue. It's not very kitchen-y. But it is pretty... nursery. Hmm. Nursery? Or we could go Rangitikei River. (GASPS) Oh! (LAUGHS) You little beauty! So, the nursery. * Okay, here are your tickets. You're sitting with the players' wives. Don't forget to cheer for me. See you after the game when you're a big star. Bart was strangely quiet. He was confused by feelings of respect for me. It wouldn't last. Wow. (gasp) I don't believe it. It's really you-- The Capital City Goofball. Hello, Dancin' Homer. Welcome aboard. If there's anything I can do... (honking) just squeeze the wheeze. The fifth inning will be yours. Everyone is settled in. They've had a couple of beers. The game is official. It's an important inning. Wow, the fifth. It's also the inning I wish I had a zipper on this thing. Right, Mr. Goofball. Call me plain old "Goof." So, what's your plan? Well, I spell out the name of the city to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk." Ah, Mancini-- the mascot's best friend. Well, see you. I'll set 'em up. You knock 'em down. Hello, everybody. Dave Glass here. We got great weather here tonight under the dome. Hmm, let's see. Upper, upper, upper mezzanine. Hmm. Yes, these must be ours. These seats stink! You'd think players' wives would be a little closer. This section is for the players' ex-wives. Then I found out there was this bimbo in Kansas City. Throw at his head! A free ticket to the big league but I was too tense to enjoy the game. I was focused on the task at hand. Red Hots! Get your Red Hots here! Ooh, Red Hots. Ladies and gentlemen Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' H-o-m-e-r! Mmm, these do taste better at the ball park. Uh-oh. There he is! I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was something. But they didn't care. Bart: What is with these people? Why are they sitting on their hands? What's he doing wrong? I don't know. It was so quiet you heard every smart-ass remark. This guy doesn't inspire me to cheer. He's humiliating himself in front of so many people. These cornball antics don't play in Capital City. They applauded me for dragging my carcass out of there. Hey, Mr. Showmanship. The owner wants to see you in his office right now. Pick up your cheque at the office and for God's sake, put some clothes on! I guess it's back to good old Springfield. I can't go back! I've seen the city lights! I'll wither and die like a hothouse flower. Stop it, you two. And perk up. This is hard for your father. Yay! Yay! Way to go! Yay, Dad! What a family. They stood by me. On the way home I realised how little that helped. So that's it. The costume's buried now. As my son would say, I'm one sad ape-like dude. Wow! What a saga. You guys are hanging on my every word. I've become the centre of attention. Yeah, it's riveting. Tell it again, Homer. Okay. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular. Bartender: I don't know. They just do. Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018