The Brad before my accident, pretty much, almost died, like, when I had my accident, and I had to figure out who I am now. Like, I'm a completely new person. I'm Brad Smeele. We're here at my home in Hauraki, Takapuna. I had a spinal cord injury four years ago, and, yeah, here I am. I was a professional wakeboarder. I started when I was 17. Won a world title, decided I'd go to Orlando, and` which is the Mecca of wakeboarding. For me, it was paradise. Like, I was there living my dream. We were both a little bit off that day, and, sort of, one of those, like 'oh fuck' moments cos nothing else really describes that feeling at the time where you just` you know that you've screwed up. Basically, the top of my shoulders impacted the ramp. It forced my head down into my chest, and that's when it all went black. I just remember, you know, I was laying there, and I knew I messed up, and I knew that, um... that this was serious, but I didn't quite know how serious. I thought I knew what depression was before my accident. The first, maybe, six months, at least, every day was shitty, every day was a down day. I was trying to stay so positive, and I was so adamant that I was gonna make a full recovery and that I was gonna start moving again and... And then the next thing, I'm in the spinal unit, and there's other guys and girls coming in with same level spinal injuries as me, but they were coming in after me and leaving before me with their arms working. And here I am trying` you know, putting every bit of effort in as I can and not getting those same results. Being paralysed, like, it feels like you're in a straightjacket ` like, trying to move when you can't move. Even just laying in bed, you can't roll over; you can't adjust your position if you're uncomfortable. And I just remember going in for an MRI, and I'm laying there, and, you know, over the speaker or whatever, the technician or whoever it was, was like, 'All right, we're about to get started. Make sure you try to lay still.' And I was like, 'Really, dude? Like...' I left the spinal unit, and then next thing, I'm in the community, and nothing's changed except me. I guess, that was really the start of having to accept the changes and accepting what had happened, and I hated that word 'acceptance' as well ` like, people telling me that I had to accept. I guess, I just didn't really, um... know who I was any more. I truly believed that a lot of what made me me was my physical abilities and attributes, whether it was 90% of what I thought was me was physical, and then that's all gone. I'm left with 10%. Being fit and being active and being in good shape was really important. I guess, that's something that, you know, is a contrast now, is something that I've really had to learn to be OK with not being in great shape. You know, not having abs any more and having a bit of a gut. Before my accident, you know, being a model, being 6'2", being a professional athlete, like, you know girls were attracted to me, so I just enjoyed being single. I guess, that's one of the curses of having such an incredible life before my injury was that the contrast is always gonna be really tough. It's one of these, like, ego things that I've had to really work through in terms of, like, inadequacy, and it's just been a work in progress over the last few years to really let go of all that pride. Yeah, just to accept that this is how things are now. That was one of the big things, you know, going from being so independent to being completely dependant ` caregivers 24/7, having to rely on other people to do things for me ` everything from showering to going to the bathroom. Literally, they have to help me... move my bowels, and it's not something I could do on my own any more. I got to the point where I was just, like` I felt like I was gonna crack. Like, each day for` there was a few weeks that I just... I... I felt like, you know, all` all these emotions and everything were just bubbling right under the surface. And... maybe I wasn't addressing them properly. I was just trying to fight them off and stay positive and do more rehab and this and that, and I wasn't really... I wasn't really addressing them and acknowledging them, these emotions. And it's to the point where... I'd be having a conversation with someone, and I just felt like I was about to burst into tears. That was when I went back to the spinal unit, spent a couple of weeks there, and I just decided that for those two weeks, I was going to switch off all social media, sort of, do some reading and just, you know, almost do some soul-searching, kinda, dig deep and figure out what it was that was causing these issues, and that was actually really helpful, cos the whole switching off social media thing, that was just` I was watching people wakeboarding. I was looking at attractive girls that I would've had no issue walking up to in a bar and buying them a drink or whatever, whereas now, like,... What, am I gonna wheel up to them in my wheelchair, and then if they say no, I'm gonna awkwardly, like, turn around? Like, it was just... I dunno, like, there was all these things ` whether it was that I felt like I was missing out cos everyone else is doing what I used to do and what I felt like I should've been doing. I can't avoid those things. I can't completely switch off to watching my friends wakeboard. I just had to be, I guess, better prepared for those sorts of things, and work through all of those emotions and just not let them affect me as much. I got talking with one of my friends, and, you know, I'm talking away about what I've been up to, and he's like` he's like, 'Yeah, man, but, you know, how are you?' And I was like, 'Yeah, I'm all right. I've been doing this and been doing that and...' And he's like, 'No, but, really, let's... I'm actually asking you seriously. 'Like, how are you? Because what you've gone through is really shitty.' So by sharing that and being able to talk openly about it with friends was... it was refreshing. It was really quite powerful, and... we don't do that enough. We don't talk about what's real enough. You know, I feel like I've done pretty well, and I'm at the point now where day-to-day, like, pretty happy. I'm not, you know, miserable about my situation. You know, I have my odd day that where I'm down about it, and I allow myself to have that and allow myself to work through it. But, I mean, the happy moments now is just enjoying fun moments with friends, and it's... It's definitely more about... the smaller things. And it's brought` I guess it's brought, you know, a lot of perspective to what is important. So, having learnt a lot of things. I have started to get into speaking. You know, motivational speaking or, you know, doing corporate talks or... You know, I really wanna start, you know, maybe go and speak at some schools and things like that. But, yeah, it's something I enjoy. I love being able to... to share my knowledge and my journey and be able to inspire people. I want you guys to all get out of your seats, stand up and give one big hooray for B-rad. (CROWD CHEERS) It was incredible the support I got after my injury, the amount of fundraisers going on in different parts of the world, and it was incredible to have that support and to have not only my friends, you know, whether it's here or in the States, but people that I didn't even really know ` like, I maybe encountered them for a minute or two at an event, but next thing they're throwing a big fundraiser or they're putting a 'I ride for Brad' sticker on their board. Incredibly humbling. I didn't think that I'd impacted that many people, but it was actually kinda strange. I... It was almost like... having a funeral, but being able to be there for it. When someone dies, people will all of a sudden speak real things about how they felt. Again, we don't do that enough, and so for me to have been able to feel that love and see the amount of support and the amount of people that` whose lives I impacted, and... that was` Yeah, it was pretty... pretty mind-blowing. I guess, one of the positives is anyone who would be attracted to me or would want to be in a relationship or anything like that, it's probably for a much more genuine reason. Yeah, and, I guess, now anyone who, you know, is gonna get involved in my life are there because of me and who I am,... not so much what I do and what I look like, you know, physically and abs and muscles and whatever. Like, it's... Yeah, it's just more` more real, I guess. Captions by Antony Vlug. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018