I've got some news. I've got some news. What? I've got some news. What? I'm pregnant. I've got some news. What? Shit. I've got some news. THUD! THUD! Argh! THUD! Argh! CRASH! With the benefit of hindsight? Stick with it. With the benefit of hindsight? Stick with it. But Adam left you. With the benefit of (LAUGHS) I'm not talking about him. With Mac. I didn't sleep with him. I swear it. I didn't sleep with him. I swear it. It was me. I slept with Jo. Catherine... Brian! I love you, and I knew that before you were stuck in a water tank. Will you marry me? Will you marry me? I will. Yes! Mm. Yes! # And the stars came out once the lights went out. I could not speak, so I had to shout. # And the moon passed sadly by. # QUIZ MASTER: If I was enjoying a meal of ackee and saltfish, where would I be? It has to be Caribbean. It has to be Caribbean. Jamaica? It could be Trinidad. It could be Trinidad. But we'll go with Jamaica. We don't have to. We don't have to. But we want to. QUIZ MASTER: Question 10 in What's Cooking? ` Pot-au-feu is a French dish. But what is it, and what does it mean in English? It means 'pot in the fire'. It's a beef stew. Go you. Go you. You're all over it, babe. Go you. waiting, I've got an announcement. waiting, I've got an announcement. Two members of Team Sex on a Stick are tying the knot. Let's hear it for Emma and Brian! Let's hear it for Emma and Brian! ALL: Whoo-hoo! About time you made an honest woman out of her. About time you made an honest woman out of her. And it's all the more special About time you made an because they met right here at The Beagle Quiz Night. ALL: Whoo! ALL: Whoo! He even remembered. ALL: Whoo! Or someone tipped him off. Or someone tipped him off. Mm. Who would do such a thing (?) Hell, it seems like such a long time ago. Hell, it seems like such a long time ago. Two and a half babies, at least. Hell, it seems like such a long time ago. I wasn't looking to score. I just wanted to hook Mac up because he was a mess after he found out that Jo was rooting the... Nice one, Brian. Nice one, Brian. I'll take this up. Still, you know... (CLEARS THROAT) It's a bit of a shame that... Mac's not here. I didn't say he couldn't come. I didn't say he couldn't come. Well, you didn't have to. Mate, don't be a pussy. It's your team too. Mate, don't be a pussy. It's your team too. I really don't feel like it. Mate, don't be a pussy. It's your team too. But, mate, what about the finals? You really used the finals as an argument? You really used the finals as an argument? Well, it's a fair point. QUIZ MASTER: And the final answer in Longest, Widest, Biggest ` the widest income gap in the OECD is not Mexico or even Greece. It's our old friend Chile. It's our old friend Chile. Go Chile. It's our old friend Chile. I was sure it was Greece. I was sure it was Greece. Mac would've got that. Right. Wedding. Where are we up to? Um, it's gonna be low-key. We don't wanna spend a lot of money. Yeah, but there will be bridesmaids. That's not a question. Yeah, but there will be bridesmaids. That's not a question. Of course. Yeah, but there will be bridesmaids. That's not a question. And I would love it if you and Catherine would be my bridesmaids. And I would love it if you and Catherine would be my bridesmaids. BOTH: Aw. And I would love it if you and It'll be soon, though? While I can still waddle up the aisle. While I can still waddle up the aisle. Then I'd love to. Why? Why? Why what? Why? Why what? Why does it have to be soon? QUIZ MASTER: OK, folks, round four. And it's Shocking Confessions. QUIZ MASTER: OK, folks, round four. And it's Shocking Confessions. Waiting. QUIZ MASTER: OK, folks, round four. I've spoken to my old employer in Paris, who's happy to have me back. When? When? Question one ` 'Humble pie is something I'll be eating for breakfast for the rest of my life.' Which celebrity said that? Which celebrity said that? Still waiting on an answer. Which celebrity said that? Still waiting on an answer. Probably a month or so. With Celeste away and everything that's, um... There's nothing to hold me. That's bullshit. That's bullshit. What about us? I'm not running away anywhere. I'm making a rational decision. Um, Gordon Ramsay. Did Frank forget something? Did Frank forget something? No. I was just driving past. I saw the light on. Did Frank forget something? Anyway, it's Tuesday. I assumed you'd be at pub quiz. Anyway, it's Tuesday. I assumed you'd be at pub quiz. Not tonight. Things still not good? Not great. Not great. Well, I assume, by Emma's reaction, everyone blames me. Not great. You need a shave. You need a shave. Yep, probably. So, do you think you might still work things out with Catherine? It might be a little difficult,... considering she's not even talking to me. I'm so sorry. I mean, I'm sorry you're unhappy. Having a hard time. I mean, I'm sorry you're unhappy. Having a hard time. Thanks. I mean, I'm sorry you're So, are you gonna offer me a glass of wine? Would you like a glass of wine? Would you like a glass of wine? I'd love one. QUIZ MASTER: Question 10 in Shocking Confessions ` it was Hugh Grant who said, 'I did a bad thing.' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Now it's time for that all-important round ` drinks break. Thank you. Thank you very much. 10 out of 10 and a bonus round. Thank you. Thank you very much. 10 out of 10 and a bonus round. That's my girl. Congratulations, guys. Big day coming up. I thought you might like to consider this. Wedding celebrant. Wedding celebrant. Just got my ticket. And if you'd consider being my first clients,... I'd be honoured. Well` Well` I can also DJ, MC, and I've got contacts for live music and catering. and I've got contacts for live music and catering. No shit. and I've got contacts for live music and catering. Thanks, but it's gonna be small. Thanks, but it's gonna be small. Your venue? Thanks, but it's gonna be small. Your venue? Just our backyard. I think we can do better than that. Call me. Sure. Very entrepreneurial. Very entrepreneurial. Mm. Very entrepreneurial. Mm. I'm off to the bathroom. Is she really serious about this? Paris? This is the first I've heard. This is the first I've heard. Mac's gonna be really upset. This is the first I've heard. Mac's gonna be really upset. He so needs to be told. Uh, Cat. I, um` I heard the news. You. Mac. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Right. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Right. I mean, let's face it. I can't say I didn't see it coming. You're the Cat, and he's... well, bit of a knob. And on the upside, you're free. I'm free. Come on, let's hug it out. That's really not... necessary. That's it. Lean into it, Cat. Lean into it. Lean into it. I was just off to the bathroom. Is that code for something else? Is that code for something else? No. I really need to go. And I should be angry at you for giving Cory my number. And I should be angry at you for giving Cory my number. (LAUGHS) Well, he seemed keen. He mentioned his Jacuzzi... (LAUGHS) I don't know how many times. He mentioned his Jacuzzi... (LAUGHS) I don't know how many times. What, and you still turned him down? Remember at the Axis Awards when he kept pulling up everyone else's skirts? Yep. (LAUGHS) It was appalling. Yep. (LAUGHS) It was appalling. Well, I had no knickers on. Yep. (LAUGHS) It was appalling. Well, I had no knickers on. Really? Yep. (LAUGHS) It was appalling. Well, I had no knickers on. Surely you remember. You want some more wine? You want some more wine? Mm, better not if I'm driving. Or I could stay. Don't really think it's a good idea. Don't really think it's a good idea. I was just putting it out there in case of doubt. Well, I should probably go. Hey, thanks for dropping in. It was good to have company. Hey, thanks for dropping in. It was good to have company. Any time. Hey, thanks for dropping in. It was good to have company. Expecting someone? BRIAN: Mate, are you there? It's me. > BRIAN: Mate, are you there? It's me. > It's not locked. BRIAN: Mate, are you there? It's me. > You can always rely on Brian. Mate, I need to` Mate, I need to` Hello, Brian. I believe congratulations are in order. Mate, I need to` What's she doing here? Please give Emma my best wishes. Call me any time. Call me any time. Goodnight. What's so urgent? Mate, you need to sort your shit with Catherine. Mate, you need to sort your shit with Catherine. How can I? She won't take my calls or answer my texts, my letter` She won't take my calls or answer my texts, my letter` And she's buggering off to Paris. She won't take my calls or answer my texts, my letter` She's got a job there. Ugh. Ugh. Poor Mac. Jo was around there. You don't think they're...? You don't think they're...? Nah. She couldn't wait to get her claws back in there. I think we need an urgent wedding meeting. Eh? Eh? Well, there's so much to organise, talk about. OK. Especially for the best man and the bridesmaids. Very important stuff. Especially for the best man and the bridesmaids. Very important stuff. If you say so. (LAUGHS) That's cunning. Very cunning. Very cunning. BOTH LAUGH Very cunning. FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS Is she coming? Is she coming? Well, she said she'd be here. OK. What needs to be done? Got a meeting. Well, the big news is there's a change of venue. We talked to Bob. Well, the big news is there's a change of venue. We talked to Bob. Uh, the quiz master. But he's Bob when he's being our marriage celebrant. But he's Bob when he's being our marriage celebrant. Fair point. But he's Bob when he's being our marriage celebrant. Sorry, guys, can we...? The wedding and the reception are going to be at The Beagle. The wedding and the reception are going to be at The Beagle. Which is kind of appropriate, eh? The wedding and the reception So we need to, um, email everyone and let them know, and... Flick me the details. I'll send out some new invites. Anything else comes up, just text me. Anything else comes up, just text me. There, uh` What` What about, um...? Uh... Uh... Um... Nah, it's gone. Nah, it's gone. Ciao. Hi. Hi. Morning. Um, I was just... Right. Um, see ya. Right. Um, see ya. Bye. Sorry. Got held up. Um, what'd I miss? Ken was saying we should have you over for dinner. On Tuesdays, we're at The Black Duck. Sorry? Sorry? Quiz night. The Black Duck does rather good tapas. You don't have to feel sorry for me. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I wasn't. Astrid's away, and we're light on sports. I do know what it's like to be broken-hearted. It's my own stupid fault. Well, that's always the worst. There's no one else to blame. Well, that's always the worst. There's no one else to blame. PHONE RINGS Hi, Mac Delaney speaking. Uh-huh, yeah, that's me. Thought I could cook tonight. Thought I could cook tonight. No, please don't. My cooking's not that bad. My cooking's not that bad. Exactly. I can't afford to get attached. Not if you're leaving us. All right. I've never ever had a flatmate before. It's a vital life stage, and I never had it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And you do know I could go off the deep end again. Uh-huh. But there are some things only a girlfriend knows. But there are some things only a girlfriend knows. Well, I'm flattered. I'm going for emotional blackmail here. I'm going for emotional blackmail here. It needs work. I'm going for emotional blackmail here. PHONE RINGS Hi, Mac. How are things? How are things? Hey, is Catherine there? Ah, she might be round here somewhere. (MAC) PHONE: Can you tell her I need to talk to her? It's important. (MAC) PHONE: Can you tell her I need to talk to her? It's important. One moment. (MAC) PHONE: Can you tell her I need to talk to her? It's important. He says it's important. Can you tell her it's about the court case? Can you tell her it's about the court case? Better idea ` tell her yourself. Hello. GENTLE MUSIC Hey. Hey. Hi. Merlot? Merlot? I'm fine, thanks. Merlot? car being burnt down? So this is about your car being burnt down? Apparently one of the hoons has pleaded guilty. Apparently one of the hoons has pleaded guilty. That's good, isn't it? Apparently one of the hoons has pleaded guilty. there. He's requested restorative justice, and... well, he wants you to be there. Me? Me? I guess it started with him hassling you, so... Right. Well, on the plus side, if the other guys follow suit, it won't go to trial. Won't drag on. That is an upside. 'Least the guy wants to say sorry. That's something. Or he just thinks they'll go easy on him if he does. I guess there's only one way to find out. How soon will it be? How soon will it be? Soon as we want. So it shouldn't interfere with your travel plans. Great, well... Great, well... Were you gonna tell me? Great, well... Were you gonna tell me? Is it your business? Great, well... Were you gonna tell me? Jesus, Catherine, what do I have to do here? I've tried talking` Jesus, Catherine, what do I have to do here? I've tried talking` I don't see any point. Jesus, Catherine, what do I have to do here? I've tried talking` I wrote it down ` how sorry I am. How dumb` What I felt. How much I love you, yet you still won't give me the time of day. Cos I don't know what to say. Cos I don't know what to say. At least talk. Catherine, please. Don't do this, all right? I can hardly bear to look at you. I'll think about the restorative justice thing and get back to you. Restorative bloody justice. As if it's gonna make it OK to hear some little prick say, 'I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt anyone. Please don't be angry, and can I have a hug?' And while he gets a slap on the wrist, I'm afraid to go out in case I get attacked or have my car blown up. It just` It give me the shits. And, thank you, caller. I'm sure a lot of our listeners feel the same. And, thank you, caller. I'm sure a lot of our listeners feel the same. All right, I'll stop. And, thank you, caller. I'm sure a lot of our listeners feel the same. No, please don't stop. You sound like me. No, please don't stop. You sound like me. Well, maybe that's a good thing. I've got some pills that might help. You sound like me. I've got some pills that might help. I've got some pills that might help. KNOCK AT DOOR > I've got some pills that might help. KNOCK AT DOOR > I'll get it. I've got some pills that might help. KNOCK AT DOOR > actually change anything. You obviously weren't brought up Catholic. You do the crime; you can't just expect it to be wiped away. So who exactly are we talking about here? So who exactly are we talking about here? My poor, poor darling. Where is she? Mum? Mum? I came as soon as I could. Oh, let me look at you. Oh, so pale and wan. Of course you are, my love. Of course you are. Yes, yes, you little beauty! Bullshit! Argh! What do you call that? What do you call that? Good defence. What do you call that? Whose side are you on? Whose side are you on? One of those for me? I dunno. You buy any? Whose side are you on? I dunno. You buy any? I dunno. You buy any? Can't. I'm not 18. I dunno. You buy any? Can't. I'm not 18. Oh, that's right. You're not. OTHER ROOM: Hello! OTHER ROOM: Hello! Grandpa, we're here. Hello there! Well, gang's all here. Gidday. Gidday. Hey, Gramps. Gidday. Hey, Gramps. Look at you boys. (LAUGHS HAPPILY) Christ, you've got to stop feeding them. Christ, you've got to stop feeding them. Hey, Micky. You want a beer? Does the pope shit in the woods? (LAUGHS) Does the pope shit in the woods? (LAUGHS) Here, have this one. So, Micky, what brings you to town? So, Micky, what brings you to town? Oh, Anne's in a big flap about Catherine buggering off to France. And whatever else. So, Micky, what brings you to town? Anyway, we're just watching the game. And whatever else. Anyway, we're just watching the game. And whatever else. and, uh, we're losing. Well, it's half-time, and, uh, we're losing. Well, it's half-time, and, uh, we're losing. So, what's the story? Well, it's half-time, Cat's done a runner, has she? We don't mind. Cat's done a runner, has she? We don't mind. We don't mind. Yeah, what happ`? We don't mind. Yeah, what happ`? I said not now. Hey, Micky, you hear? I'm getting hitched. Hey, Micky, you hear? I'm getting hitched. (LAUGHS) Well, bugger me. You think you could get on the end of the phone and let me know what's going on? So, somebody finally put the right bait in the trap, eh? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, something like that. When's the big day? Week or so, and then we head down to Taupo so Emma can meet the folks. Week or so, and then we head down to Taupo so Emma can meet the folks. So I'm in time for the stag do. Nah, I wasn't gonna. Nah, I wasn't gonna. It's essential, mate, to soften the blow. And you could probably do with a bit of a blowout as well, eh? Well, never fear, Micky's here. We shall sort something. We shall sort something. ALL LAUGH We shall sort something. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Oh, guys, come on. It's a respected cultural activity. It's a respected cultural activity. By oath! I said I'd be happy with a few beers at The Beagle. I said I'd be happy with a few beers at The Beagle. We got company! Hey, Smudgey, me old mate. a few beers at The Beagle. Hey, Smudgey, me old mate. Hey, Smudgey, me old mate. Micky. Always a pleasure. And this is Richard. The one with Michelle. Aren't you the lucky fella? All right, chaps. Let's get this party started. All right, chaps. Let's get this party started. Hi, welcome. All right, chaps. Let's Well, hello there. Now, look, it's this one's last night of freedom, and this one just needs a bit of cheering up. Think you and your friend can do that for us? We will do our best. We will do our best. That's the spirit, my love. (LAUGHS) Ooh. OK, now, what are we drinking? (LAUGHS) TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS Oh, thanks very much for the offer, but I'm good, thanks. Whoo-hoo! Oh, Smudgey, how can you resist this? Whoo-hoo! Oh, Smudgey, how can you resist this? (SPEAKS CHINESE) This is my boy, Sonny Bill. And this is Maggie. OK, ooh, just watch the leg. ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS Seems very late for them to be working. Seems very late for them to be working. I've booked until 11, so enjoy. Does Lydia know we're gonna be so late? Does Lydia know we're gonna be so late? She'll be fine. Does Lydia know we're She wants the experience in case we go there. Do you really think you might? Do you really think you might? And who'll play mummy? I was there when Constance was born. No way my vag is turning into the tardis. ALL GIGGLE I'm so sorry my mother invited herself along. Oh, I don't mind. Oh, I don't mind. < She's a laugh. Well, ladies, what do we think? (GIGGLES) Like I've been on vacation? Like I've been on vacation? If that holiday was to Oompa-Loompa Land. Like I've been on vacation? You're very sharp. Just because you're an inside sort of person. As opposed to an orange sort of a person? As opposed to an orange sort of a person? Well, I think you look great. As opposed to an orange sort of a person? what do we all want to do? I was looking at this bridal magazine. They had a list of hen-party games to play. (LAUGHS) Won't that be fun? (GIGGLES) TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS All right. One more for the road. One more for the road. Nah, nah, I've had enough. You gotta make the most of your last night of freedom, man, you know. From now on, it's all downhill. What's up with you and Catherine? Ooh, new woman on the scene, is it? Ooh, new woman on the scene, is it? I wouldn't exactly call her new. I slept with Jo. Bugger me! What, was it one for old time's sake? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, something like that. Ooh, was a looker, that one. Very tidy. Do you have to be so happy about it? Do you have to be so happy about it? Come on. Who among hasn't done a dirty at one time or another, eh? Guilty. Guilty. Once, at university. Guilty. Once, at university. A couple of times. Three. You, my brother, are a real man. This bugger, old faithful, never got off the porch. Wonder why that is? Wonder why that is? Here we go. He's never forgiven me for leaving his mother. Wonder why that is? I happen to believe that staying with one person's not so bad. If you love someone, you don't give up. If you love someone, you don't give up. Yeah, I know, mate. If you love someone, you don't give up. I` I'm really sorry. Anyway, tonight's not about me. Too true. The lion has been tamed. We need more drinks. Hey! So, as me and my boyfriend were at the movies, I felt his hand moving up my leg... Ooh! Ooh! ...and thought, 'I might as well go with it.' So I touched him, and he looked surprised. And then I noticed he was holding a bucket of popcorn with both hands, and then I found there was this guy on the other side trying to feel me up. Well, whose story is it? Well, whose story is it? BOTH: Michelle! Is it unanimous? Is it unanimous? BOTH: Yes. Is it unanimous? BOTH: Yes. Ah, wrong! It was me! BOTH: Yes. Is it unanimous? ALL LAUGH It was me! ALL LAUGH It was me! ALL LAUGH It's always the quiet ones. It was me! ALL LAUGH < My turn! (GIGGLES) OK. I went to an expensive restaurant with a colleague, and after a few too many wines, he propositioned me. When I turned him down` Catherine. Catherine. Let her finish. Well, what's the point? Catherine. Well, what's the point? Catherine. insisted I pay the bill. Well, what's the point? When I turned him down, he insisted I pay the bill. Well, what's the point? Everyone who thinks it's Catherine. I should've slept with him so I had a more interesting story. I should've slept with him so I had a more interesting story. It's typical of you, darling. First sign of interest, you're runnin' for the hills. First sign of interest, you're runnin' for the hills. Who's next? First sign of interest, you're runnin' for the hills. That's right. Ignore the facts. That's right. Ignore the facts. What facts? That's right. Ignore the facts. What facts? Let's face it. You're just not cut out for relationships. You're just not cut out for relationships. Ooh, that's a bit harsh. But let's face it. She's hardly lived with anyone because she's happier on her own. < You're just like Great Aunt Stella. Never married; perfectly happy with her cats. Don't even own a cat. Don't even own a cat. You're a loner. Always have been. < Doesn't mean she can't change. < Doesn't mean she can't change. I know her. But people can change. I have. I thought I didn't love Brian, and I was wrong. And you and Mac are so right together, and if you go away without at least trying, you could be making the biggest mistake of your whole life. And I'll miss you. What she said. PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE Hi. Hi. Morning. Well, this should be fun (!) Well, this should be fun (!) Barrel of laughs (!) How's your mum? As exhausting as ever. And a disturbing shade of orange. Sorry? Sorry? Hen night. And a spray tan gone horribly wrong. How's your father? How's your father? As annoying as ever. And the last to leave the stag do. Anne sang for us. Most of The Mikado. They're still together. Strange but true. It's a miracle,... given Dad's track record. Mac Delaney? Catherine Duvall? Mac Delaney? Catherine Duvall? We're on. READS HALTINGLY: 'And I'm deeply sorry for any distress 'I may have cause by my actions 'as I did not foresee the consequences 'but should have.' 'but should have.' Speak up. We can't hear you. READS: I realise that what I did was wrong and apologise. Thank you, Agi Coutts. Eugene. Not your bloody gang name. Eugene. Not your bloody gang name. I'm not in a gang. Eugene. Not your bloody gang name. I'm not in a gang. You're still a right little shit. Thank you, Eugene. have the opportunity to respond. I have to say you don't really seem all that sorry. I have to say you don't really seem all that sorry. My arse, he's not. Dawn, please. really seem all that sorry. Dawn, please. Dawn, please. Stuff this. Dawn, please. Stuff this. Sit back down this minute. I told them, I said, 'You can lock him up and throw away the bloody key, for all I care.' They'll teach him some manners inside and then some. > Look, I'm all for second chances, but you can't just say sorry. You gotta mean it. You listening? > Yeah. Yeah. Those no-bloody-hopers you hang out with, smoking weed and burning cars. Yeah. Oh, look, it's not the car that bothers me. It's the lack of respect you showed towards Catherine. This woman was minding her own business. You followed her, y` you harassed her. Don't you see that that is wrong? Answer the man. Yeah. Yeah. Like you bloody mean it. Yeah. I'm real sorry, OK? I hope you are. Oh my God, I know why he fire-bombed your car. Oh my God, I know why he fire-bombed your car. Why? To go to prison to escape his mother. To go to prison to escape his mother. Could be right. To go to prison to escape his mother. (LAUGHS) I thought it was gonna be a moving moment. Power of forgiveness and all that. I think he got there in the end. Would you forgive him? With reservations. Well, now you can go to Paris. Well, now you can go to Paris. Yeah. If you leave me, can I come too? I'm sorry? It's an old song. If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Actually, I'm serious, if` Mac, I don't think` Mac, I don't think` No, but please, just let me say this, OK? I still have my ticket to Paris. So let me come over. We spend a couple of weeks away from here, away from everything. Look, I am way more sorry than Eugene. And I don't need his mother to hit me round the back of the head to know that I can't just give up. And if, after two weeks, you still think it won't work, then fine. I'll walk away, and you never have to see me again. But at least we'd given it a shot. Look, all I'm asking is that you consider it. I'll consider it. < EMMA: Brian, we're back. Everyone's here. < Come on in. (GRUNTS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) Hey. Hey. Gidday. Brian. How's it going? How's it going? I can't complain. This is my wife, Jenny. This is my wife, Jenny. Nice to meet you. Hi. This is my wife, Jenny. Hi. Hi. Hello, nearly-brother-in-law. Hi. Hello, nearly-brother-in-law. Hi, Robyn. (LAUGHS) Chris. Glad you could make it. Need a ride to the airport? Last break for freedom. Need a ride to the airport? Last break for freedom. Settle. Need a ride to the airport? Last break for freedom. I'm just going over to stay at a mate's. (CLEARS THROAT) I'm glad you all could make it. Bye. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I hope so. I, Brian King, take you... Are you supposed to use your middle name? Are you supposed to use your middle name? I don't think it's a rule. (SIGHS) I'm gonna feel like such a dick. (SIGHS) I'm gonna feel like such a dick. You'll be fine. What are we watching? What are we watching? Mm. Die Hard. One, two and three. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Time to get hard. Oh yeah. Time to get hard. Right on. Shit. I don't think I can do this. Shit. I don't think I can do this. What's wrong with Die Hard? What if I mess up? You know, make her unhappy or` or ruin her life, and... Shit. Shit. I think I'm having some kinda heart attack. You'll be OK. I'm not the marrying kind. I mean, I'm the kinda guy that I'm gonna warn Maggie about, and... Shit. Shit. Another beer. Listen. You are not gonna do a runner. You are gonna get married and live happily ever after ` barring the usual difficulties. OK? Cheers to that? BOTTLES CLINK Gotta hand it to Bruce. Gotta hand it to Bruce. If he can go through all of that for the love of a good woman, so can I. 'Course you can. 'Course you can. (CHUCKLES) But what would Bruce do about Catherine? Catherine? Catherine would've flown the plane with the terrorists herself. Catherine would've flown the plane with the terrorists herself. (LAUGHS) Then given them a lecture on the correct use of the apostrophe. Then given them a lecture on the correct use of the apostrophe. Yeah, she's a hard-arse. Then given them a lecture on the correct use of the apostrophe. Tell me about it. We need more beer. I got whisky. I got whisky. Nah, it has to be beer. I will go up the road. I will go up the road. Hang about. You're not gonna do a runner, are you? You're not gonna do a runner, are you? Nah, mate. Die Hard Three. Harden up. And I will be right back. KNOCK ON DOOR Dear me. What the`? Dear me. What the`? I just need to talk to her, OK? She's not here. Well, where is she? You better not be getting cold feet, buster, or your nuts are` You better not be getting cold feet, buster, or your nuts are` No, no, no, not Emma. Catherine. You better not be getting cold feet, buster, or your nuts are` I need to talk to Catherine. I need to talk to Catherine. OK. I need to talk to Catherine. OK. Oh, and you. You need to go away. Mac loves you. And you love him. And you've got to get over the pride thing, OK? Because you're proud, and you never let anyone tell you the answer to pub quiz, and you always gotta be right. and you always gotta be right. I'll bear that in mind. Mac's not a bad person. He is a and you always gotta be right. Mac's not a bad person. He is a decent guy, and I am the shit. Mac's not a bad person. He is a decent guy, and I am the shit. Brian, you really should go. And I rooted her. And I rooted her. What? And I rooted her. Karyn, the motorboat chick. I thought you didn't. I thought you didn't. Uh, not then, later. I rooted her cos I was mad at Emma, but I didn't tell Emma because Mac told me not to. Mac told you to lie? Mac told you to lie? Yes. No, listen, listen. I'm a shit. I've mucked around on heaps of girls, including my wife-to-be. Though she wasn't back then. But the thing is, Mac was right. If I had told her, it would've ruined everything, so I didn't. But Mac's a decent guy, so he told you he rooted Jo, cos he couldn't help himself telling you. Don't you get that's good? Don't you get that's good? Not entirely. Like, if he had taken his own advice and not told you, you'd still be together, but he respects you so much that he had to tell you the truth. And that's gotta mean heaps. Jesus, just give the poor bastard a chance. Shit. What? My taxi's outside, and the meter's still running. I gotta go. My taxi's outside, and the meter's still running. I gotta go. You should do that. Hey, um,... please don't tell Emma. You know, about the motorboat chick. please don't tell Emma. You know, about the motorboat chick. Your secret's safe with me. Ugh, poor Emma. Fancy marrying that. Hey, I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home. Hey, I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home. Nah, nah, it's no problem. Hey, I'm sorry I was (LAUGHS) Mate, you're not gonna wear those. They're my lucky undies. And if I need any luck, it's today. I can get you a fresher pair. I can get you a fresher pair. No, it's gotta be these. Oh! Shit. I might need some help. My bloody back. I might need some help. My bloody back. Oh. Careful, careful of the ankle. This is a bit close. This is a bit close. I'll never tell. Don't worry. GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES < MICHELLE: Ready to rock and roll? All set. You all right in there? You all right in there? < JO: Hello. Hey. Wow, guys, looking good. Where's Brian? Where's Brian? In the bathroom. You guys go and check on him. Make sure he didn't sneak out a window. You guys go and check on him. Make sure he didn't sneak out a window. Yeah, sure. For the happy couple, if you can pass it on with my best wishes. For the happy couple, if you can pass it on with my best wishes. Sure. Call me when you want me to pick up the boys. Or if you want some company after. Jo... You've been very upfront about your feelings. It's probably about time I did the same. Well, there's no rush. I can't go back. And I won't ever. Back to me or back to Catherine? Back to me or back to Catherine? Look, what we had, you and I, was over a long time ago. How can you say`? How can you say`? Well, that's the way that I feel. And that is the end of it. < Got him. < BRIAN: Hang on, boys. Mind the back there. < Mind the leg, fellas. < Mind the leg, fellas. SOFTLY: Wish Emma luck. She'll need it. RELAXED MUSIC Hey. Go jump in the car, would you? What'd she want? What'd she want? Give you a present. What'd she want? It'll be cursed, mate. It'll be cursed, mate. (CHUCKLES) Well, it's time, my friend. Shit. Oh dear. (EXHALES LOUDLY) SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS Jesus, what are all these people doing here? To bear witness to the miracle of miracles. Ken sends his apologies. A small animal crisis. Congratulations. Ken sends his apologies. A small animal crisis. Congratulations. Thanks, Smudgey. Here he is ` the condemned man. WHISPERS: Why's he here? WHISPERS: Why's he here? WHISPERS: No idea. Have a good one. (CHUCKLES) Have a good one. (CHUCKLES) Thanks. Hi, Bri. Hi, Bri. Oh, shit, no way. (LAUGHS) What are you doing here? (LAUGHS) What are you doing here? Oh, nice to see you too, Bri (!) (LAUGHS) What are you doing here? Oh, nice to see you too, Bri (!) No, I mean, uh` Emma sent some money for the tickets, so we thought might as well. Oh, she did? (LAUGHS) Oh, look at you, little man. (LAUGHS) Mwah, mwah, mwah. I really appreciate this, eh. Em said there was a sitter. And there's food and a bar tab, right? Em said there was a sitter. And there's food and a bar tab, right? Yeah, sure. Em said there was a sitter. And there's food and a bar tab, right? Sweet. OK, ladies and gentleman. What the frick is that? What the frick is that? What? What the frick is that? What? The suitcase. My bag? What? My bag? Yeah, which doesn't go with the frock or the shoes. My bag? My bag? Oh God, what is in there? No, let me guess, a book? But it's got all my` Oh God, what is in there? No, let me guess, a book? You never know when you might need one. You never know when you might need one. Not today, sister. Open it. Lippie, phone, wallet, in here and everything else in the car. Open it. Lippie, phone, wallet, in here and everything else in the car. You look stunning. Your mother would be very very proud. Your mother would be very very proud. Don't. My mascara will run. Your mother would (CHUCKLES) Let it. No bride ever looked more beautiful. GENTLE MUSIC Shall we? Shall we? OK. Brian better be there. Brian better be there. (GROANS) CROWD CHATTERS Mate, we're on. Oh shit. Oh shit. APPLAUSE CAMERA CLICKS BOB: Friends, family, quiz maestros,... Yeah! ...we are here to see Brian and Emma married in the place where they first met, at quiz night. Some of the questions have been hard, some easy. But today, they are here to answer the biggest question of all ` But today, they are here to answer the biggest question of all ` It's Chile! But today, they are here to answer the biggest question of all ` LAUGHTER will you, Brian, take Emma to be your wife? I will. I` I do. And will you, Emma, take Brian to be your husband? I do. Right, now, uh, yes. You can exchange vows now. Emma, I'm proud to be marrying you ` to be your partner, your friend, and, um, lover. And I offer myself to you with all my faults but also all my strengths. > And I promise to help you > whenever you need help and to support you, no matter what, and to be faithful. I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. So. Yeah. Brian, you are the person I want to share my life with, to support, adore and cherish. I will always try to listen to you with an open heart and promise to love you, no matter what tomorrow may bring. I will always be your loyal friend and loving wife, because you're my heart and soul, now and forever. You may kiss the bride. You may kiss the bride. CORY: Bit late for that! (CHUCKLES) ALL CHEER ALL CHEER (LAUGHS) ALL CHEER CHEERING CONTINUES (LAUGHS) CAMERA CLICKS CAMERA CLICKS I may not be very well, but I still have contacts in the Army. They can make it look like an accident. SOFTLY: Anywhere, any time. That's good to know. So, I would see her in the park, being dragged around by this huge Rottweiler. Turns out she was looking after it for her boyfriend, which is pretty typical. Emma is kind and thoughtful and has terrible taste in men. Mm. Well, that boyfriend disappeared with dog, and after that, there were lots of other users and bastards. And then she met Brian. ALL CHEER And things have been smooth as ever since, yeah. Well, maybe not. But when I met Emma, all she really wanted in her heart was to be loved and have a family. Now she's been knocked up twice, and she is loved so much by the man that everyone, including me, warned her against. < And now I'm proud to call him my friend. But that doesn't mean there won't be nut-violence if you ever, ever hurt her. MOUTHS: I won't. MOUTHS: I won't. WHISPERS: Good. So please raise your glasses and help me toast the two people that I love the most in the world, and on that, I'm adamant. Emma and Brian! ALL: Emma and Brian! I'm not gonna mention Brian's previous romantic entanglements, OK, because we'd be here all night. But I am gonna talk about this lippy kid that I was in detention with when I was 13. He was drawing bums. And these bums became our great work ` The Big Book of Bums, with characters like Sir Bumalot,... with characters like Sir Bumalot,... ALL LAUGH with characters like Sir Bumalot,... ALL LAUGH ...the Buminator, with characters like Sir Bumalot,... and the Incredible Bummerman. All was sadly lost when the book was confiscated by the evil Mr McClentoc. And Brian got the cane. ANNE: Oh, Brian. ANNE: Oh, Brian. (LAUGHS) But... he never mentioned my name, which is typical of Brian. He's loyal to a T. Even to advertising wankers. ALL LAUGH ALL LAUGH I'm proud to call Brian my friend. I love you, brother. And I'm stoked that you've found your soulmate ` my teammate, the beautiful Emma. Hold on to her, mate, because when you find something this special, never let it go. Uh, anyway, um, a toast ` to Brian and Emma. May they live happily ever after. to Brian and Emma. May they live happily ever after. ALL: To Brian and Emma. # It's a lovely day for # going nowhere. # It's a lovely day for # being in love... # Hey. You here on your own? You here on your own? Yeah, my girlfriend's babysitting. You here on your own? Yeah, my girlfriend's babysitting. (WHEEZES) Cool. You, uh, wanna hit the floor? Sure. Sure. (CHUCKLES) Sure. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Sure. (CHUCKLES) Hey, did you invite Cory? No, I thought it must've been you. Bastard. What do we think? What do we think? Who knows? Hello, we have movement. Hey. Would you like to dance? Yeah, I'd love to. ROMANTIC SONG FADES ROMANTIC SONG FADES Oh, bugger. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Oh, spooky. This song. This song. Yeah, I remember it. This song. CROWD CHEERS, LAUGHS I thought about you and me in Paris, by the way. I thought about you and me in Paris, by the way. And? I found it hard to say what I'm thinking, so I wrote it down. I found it hard to say what I'm thinking, so I wrote it down. You did? Yeah, you wrote me a letter, and I owed you a reply. Seemed like the easiest way to do it. Right. Big kiss-off? Was it good or bad? I think that you will like it. Wait there. I'll go get it. Don't go away. MICROPHONE SQUEALS, MUSIC STOPS MICROPHONE SQUEALS, MUSIC STOPS ALL: Aw! Uh, attention, everyone. Time for MICROPHONE SQUEALS, MUSIC STOPS Uh, attention, everyone. Time for the main event ` a wedding quiz. Uh, attention, everyone. Time for the main event ` a wedding quiz. ALL: Whoo! Everyone, will you please take your seats? > Everyone, will you please take your seats? > Come on, it'll be fun. Do we have lift-off? Do we have lift-off? Looks promising. Now, if you don't have a team, just, uh, make it up. BOB: Yes, folks, it's time for a very special round of pub trivia at The Beagle. ALL CHEER We call it 'When Brian Met Emma'. ALL CHEER You did this. You did this. With a little help. Where did Catherine go? You did this. something from the car. You did this. something from the car. Oh, better not be that book. She went to get something from the car. Oh, better not be that book. She went to get something from the car. When Brian Met Emma, question one. CAR ALARM BLOOPS CRASH! TYRES SQUEAL SHRILLY: Oh my God! Oh my God! TEARFULLY: Is she all right? TEARFULLY: Is she all right? PHONE BUTTONS BEEP Question number six ` Emma is expecting her and Brian's second child. True or false? I might just, um... Question seven ` Brian gave up smoking for Emma. True or False? Question seven ` Brian gave up smoking for Emma. True or False? SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE True! True! False. True! False. False. But I love you for trying. Hang on, where are you going? Hang on, where are you going? Won't be a sec. Question eight ` what was Brian wearing the night he met Emma? Question eight ` what was Brian wearing the night he met Emma? CROWD'S YELLS DISTORTS Question eight ` what was Brian wearing the night he met Emma? FOREBODING MUSIC SIREN WAILS Captions by Ashlee Scholefield. Edited by June Yeow. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.