Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 (Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Plays the blues) A dash of rosemary a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram... You make the best pork chops in the whole world. Oh, now Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care. A sprinkle of chervil half a teaspoon of tumeric and a whisper of MSG. I'm building you a spice rack. Don't go to all that trouble just for me. It's no trouble-- I got a garage full of tools I never use. Hey, kids! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Bart: Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy. # They fight and fight # # They fight and fight and fight # # Fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight # # The Itchy and Scratchy show! # I knew all this stuff would come in handy someday. Lets see now. Ah, here it is-- The Complete Handyman's bookshelf. Volume one: Spice racks. "Pick up a hammer..." (Mumbles) (Grunts) It's not as easy as I thought it was. (Mumbles) Ooh! (Gasps) Wow! (Theme from Psycho plays) (Gasps) (Screams) Hey, Dad, can you move your head? No, I can't. It's broken. Where would a child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet? (Laughs) (Screams) (Theme from Psycho plays) (Screams) No, Maggie! Bad baby! Keep her away from me! She's got that crazy look again! Marge: So, television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that! Mom, what are you doing? Well, no more of these cartoons ever. But, Mom we'll grow up without a sense of humour and be robots. Really? What kind of robots? I heard about the cartoons. Tough break, man. Thanks, Nelson. What if you watch Itchy and Scratchy over at my house? Hey, that's just crazy enough to work. You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. Wise guy. I wonder why Bart and Lisa are so late getting home? (Laughs) (Laughs) Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but your kids can't? Because I said so. Because you said so why? Homer, I'm trying to work. What are you doing? I'm cataloging the violence in these cartoons. I don't think adults have ever actually watched them. What kind of warped human being would find that funny? (Laughs) (Growls) This is the entertainment they find suitable for young, impressionable viewers? Yeah, but what are you going to do? I'll tell you. I'm going to write a letter. "Dear purveyors "of senseless violence: "I know this may sound silly at first "but I believe that the cartoons "you show to our children "are influencing their behaviour in a negative way. "Please try to tone down the psychotic violence "in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson." Take a letter. "Dear valued viewer, thank you for your interest "in the Itchy and Scratchy programme. "Enclosed is an autographed photo "for your collection. "Regarding your comments about the show "our research indicates "that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a screwball she is..." "...and the horse I rode in on."? I'll show them what one screwball can do! * Everybody's looking at us, Marge. That's what we want them to do, Homer. Oh. Homer: How long are we going to be doing this? Marge: I've never changed the world before so I don't know how long it takes. If enough people take an interest... Hello, Marge. What is S.N.U.H.? SNUH. Oh. It stands for "Springfieldians for Non-violence Understanding and Helping." I've started a crusade against cartoon violence. I can protect my children, but many others' minds are being warped every afternoon at 4:00. Oh. That reminds me. I got to get to Milhouse's and... play sports. All right. I'm going to Janie's. We're going to be... making the most of our childhood. Have fun. Both: We will. (Laughs) What happens when a child grows up with insanely violent role models like these? The answer is all around you. How many of you were hit on the head with mallets? Yeah! (Cheers) I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad. Can I watch cartoons? No! There's peas in my fruit cobbler! There's peas everywhere. Well, I guess I'll just go and watch some cartoons. No! I'm sorry about the dinners. I'll make up for it. Who's up for cartoons? No one! All right. Tomorrow night, how about baking some of your patented pork chops? Sure. Oh, dear, I can't. I've got three protest rallies tomorrow. D-ohh! 20 million women in the world and I marry Jane Fonda. Hi, kids! Guess what, Sideshow Mel? (Whistles) It's time for Itchy and Scratchy. (Boos) Hey, settle down, boys and girls or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again. (Boos) Please, stop it! What's going..? Who are you people? What do we want? Substantially less violence in children's programming! When do we want it? Now! You're ruining the show! (Chant angrily) Stop! Please, stop. Oh, please, please, be quiet. I'm trying to make a living here. Please, stop! That woman-- that screwball Marge Simpson-- we've got to stop her but how? Drop an anvil on her? Stuff her with TNT. Then throw a match down her throat? All your fancy degrees, and that's the best you can do? You make me sick. Substantially less violence in children's programming! When do we want it? Now! Substantially less violence in children's programming! Hmm... Heh, I'm so funny. # Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight..! # You know, these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice led such interesting lives. So much brutality. I don't think I'm having any impact at all. Don't do that! Hey! Don't do that! (Homer laughs) Take that, you dumb squirrel! (Phone rings) Where do they get their ideas? What is it?! What?! Smartline? I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show. I'd love to. Smartline-- with Emmy award-winning host Kent Brockman. Hello, and welcome to Smartline. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say "no, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?" But one woman says "yes--" Mrs Marge Simpson. There she is! Also with us for this "animated" discussion are Roger Myers chairman of the board of Itchy & Scratchy International Krusty the Klown, whose programme brings us the antics of Itchy and Scratchy... Hi, Kent! Hyuk, hyuk! ...and joining us from Vienna-- home of famous psychiatrist Sigmund Freud-- to give us an insight into the human mind Dr Marvin Monroe. Hiya. First, here's an example of the work currently being turned out at I & S studios. (Plays "Funeral March of a Marionette") (Screams) Hilarious. Now what's wrong with that, Mrs Simpson? There's nothing wrong with it. Excuse me, he was addressing me. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a bad influence on children. Give me a break. That's a bunch of baloney, and here's why. In preparing for this debate, I discovered a startling thing. There was violence in the past long before cartoons were invented. Fascinating. Take the Crusades, for instance. Tremendous violence, many people killed! It went on for 30 years. This was before cartoons were invented? That's right, Kent. So much for your viewpoint. Dr Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment? Kent, the high jinks of a few comic characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into daily. I'm referring to women who love too much fear of winning, sex-aholism, stuff like that. So you have no professional objection to Itchy and Scratchy? No. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn turn on Itchy and Scratchy and laugh myself silly. What the hell is wrong with that? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion... Hyuk! Hyuk! Hi, kids! Krusty, we're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. It's just when the camera gets on me... Hey hey! Hyuk! Hyuk! Krusty! Oh. Well, it looks like we won't settle this tonight. Mrs Simpson, in nine seconds, summarise your position. I'd like all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this to write in and let the cartoon makers know how you feel. I don't believe this. "I will never watch your show, buy any of your products or brake if I see you crossing the street." Wow! That's cold. Myers: "Dear Sleaze Merchant..." Oh, come on, that hurts. Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * (Hums) (Phone rings) Hello? Is this Marge Simpson? Yes. The one who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent? Yes. This is Myers. You're so smart, how do we end this picture? What's the problem you're having? Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone... Pies are easier to draw. OK, a pie! Scratchy is understandably upset so we figured he could toss Itchy in some acid. Oh, dear! But then we remembered this might be interpreted as violence which is morally wrong, thanks to you. So what's your idea? How do we end this? Let's see, um... Oh, couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they would both have pie. It's different, I'll give you that. It's a jigsaw, a power drill, a wood-turning lathe and an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one. How much would you pay for a machine that could do all this? $1,000. Don't answer yet. Sorry. Homer: Hey, I was watching that. Time for Krusty. We can watch cartoons again? Yes, dear, all you want. All right! All right! Turn it up. Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy. # They love, they share, they share and love and share # # Love, love, love, share, share, share # # The Itchy & Scratchy Show! # (Chairs squeak) Lemonade? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend. Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge. I think it conveys a very nice message. I think it sucks. - (Psycho theme plays) - (Screams) Oh, thank you, Maggie. This really hits the spot. Doesn't it, though? You make good lemonade, Scratchy. Oh, thank you, Itchy. Wasn't that funny, boys and girls? Well?! Wasn't it? Aren't you going to watch your cute cartoons? Nah, come on. Maybe there's something else to do on this planet. ...but the third bowl of porridge was just right. (Plays Beethoven's sixth "Pastoral" symphony) (Dog barks) Hi, kids! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Uh... is this Saturday? So, what did you kids do today? I went fishing. I almost caught a catfish this big! Oh. I went bird-watching and saw a Grackle. That's nice, dear. Let's go finish our soap box racers. OK. May we be excused? Sure. Wow! What great kids. This is a golden age, Marge and the parents of Springfield owe it all to you. I didn't really expect things to change this much. I always knew you'd change the world for the better. This will be the art event of the century. The greatest masterpiece of Italian Renaissance. Michelangelo's David on a coast-to-coast tour of the United States. Which cities are in your itinerary? New York... Springfield... and if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles. (Angry chatter) (Knocking) (Snores) Marge, get the door. What in the world? Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination. But that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece. It graphically portrays parts of the body which, practical as they may be, are evil. I like that statue. I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity. Come on, girls. What is this all about? What do you want? We want you to get your Italian butt out of here. Smartline, with our local Emmy award-winning host Kent Brockman. Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down? That's our topic. Now, Mrs Simpson why are you against this statue? I'm not. Everyone should see it. Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko? (Growls) Yes and no. How can you be for one form of freedom of expression-- like our naked friend-- and be against another form like Itchy and Scratchy? Good question. Well, I guess I can't, which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons. What do you say to all those Marge wannabees who wish to suppress David's doodle? Um, I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference but most of the time, they probably shouldn't. Well, I guess that settles that. I alert our affiliates we will be ending early. Tomorrow, our topic will be "religion: which is the true faith?" (Plays sad version of Beethoven's sixth symphony) (Screams) (Laughs) Well, there he is. Michelangelo's Dave. David. Oh. What's wrong, Marge? Here the kids had a chance to see a great work of art and instead, they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every kid in Springfield Elementary School will see this thing. Really? Why? They're forcing them! (Laughs) Well, isn't that nice. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018