(Bell ringing) (Whistle blowing) (Playing the blues) Ah! Argh! Uh-oh. I think the boy's hurt. For crying out loud. Give him a nickel, and let's get going. I think we should call an ambulance, sir. Hey, cool. I'm dead. Man: Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side. Por favor, aguantese en la baranda. No escupa... Aunt Hortense... Great-Grandpa Simpson. Snowball. Do not spit over the side. We said to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side. Howdy, stranger. I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Devil. And you've earned eternal damnation for your evil deeds. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it. Hey, I'm innocent, man. (Laughing) Innocent, huh? Everybody's innocent. Okay. Let's just pull up your file here. Hmm... seems to be a mistake. You're not due until the Yankees win the Pennant. That's nearly a century from now. Is my face red. Bart? Bart! Say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here? Oh, sure, yeah, but you wouldn't like it. See you later. Good-bye, Bart. Remember... lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music. Yes, sir. He's awake! Oh, Bart, we thought for a minute you'd gone away from us. I did go away, Mom. I was miles and miles and miles away writhing in agony in the pits of hell and you were there. And you and you and you... you I've never seen before. I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge. Ooh, classy. I'd like to discuss bringing legal action against the fiend who did this. The fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. Besides, the doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe. Doctors. Doctors are idiots. He might have permanent injuries. You might have to wait on him for the rest of his natural life. That's the downside. Now here's the good part. You can ching, ching, ching cash in on this tragedy. Excuse me, Mr Hutz. Are you a shyster? How does a nice girl know such a big word? This is hardly the time or place to discuss this. When you're up to it come to my office and we'll talk about it. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. What's that, a broken neck? Great! Hello, Dr Hibbert. Hello, Lisa. We've got a nasty bump on our head. Ow! Quit it. And a little tiny broken toe. Is he well enough for me to mother him unbearably? Mmm, better let him rest up a while first. Hey, Simpson I heard Mr Burns crushed your boy. Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless I'd march into Mr Burns's office right now... Simpson. (Screams) Mr Burns wants you to march into his office. Ah, Simpson, at last we meet. Nice to meet you, too, sir. My attorneys have advised me to pay you for running over your child so I'm cutting you a cheque. Really? Great. (Straining) $100... Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. A hundred bucks? It's a very generous offer, sir, but medical bills alone... Oh, so extortion is your little game, is it? Then you get nothing. I have the finest lawyers in Springfield. Tangle with me and I'll crush you like a paper cup. (Straining) Throw him out, Smithers. You don't have to do that, Mr Burns. I can throw myself out. Ooh... Lionel Hutz. Right in here, Mr Simpson. Any calls, Della? Calls? Oh, calls. Yes, the Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing. Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them. This way, Mr Simpson. You sure have got some education, Mr Hutz. Yes, Harvard, Yale Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre... Oh. Oh, well. Mr Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement but just between you and me I promise you a big cash settlement. My fee is 50%. 50%? You'll get more than just a lawyer. You'll also get this exquisite faux pearl necklace-- a $99 value-- as our gift to you. Well, I don't know. You and I might have different ideas about just how big a big cash settlement is. A million dollars? Whoo, hoo! I stand corrected. A million bucks is a-okay. * (Wolf whistle) Now we'll get a real doctor's opinion. Bad news. Oh? Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at the X-rays. You see that dark spot there? Whiplash. Whiplash? Oh, no. And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma. Mmm. Will I die? Yes, son. Homer! No, of course you're not going to die. Everything's fine. Will I ever play baseball again? No! (Sobbing) But I played baseball this morning. That's right, he did. Dr Hibbert has been our family physician for years and he thought Bart was fine. Oh, Dr Hibbert from Johns Hopkins Medical School. With all due respect you're not a doctor. The boy's not a doctor. The only person here who even comes close is this man. Stop, you're embarrassing me. Are you sure there isn't soft tissue trauma in the facial area? Oh, yeah, tons of it. Just say when. A million dollars?! I want this Homer J Simpson fired. Do you think that's wise? Think of the headlines. Hmm? Hmm? Ooh. What about the headlines? The press might be critical of you for firing the crippled boy's father. Well, all right. I don't want to seem like an ogre. I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind slowly, slowly. Then, when the papers have found their new flavour of the month they'll find out this cat has claws! Good thinking, sir. Mr Hutz: Now let's pretend you're on the witness stand. How are you, Bart? Fine. Oh, isn't that nice? Wrong! You're not fine! You're in constant pain! I am in constant pain. May I make an observation? What is it? This is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he is. Lisa has a point. I don't mind you doing this here but in court, doesn't Bart have to tell the truth? Yeah, but what is truth? Can you roll your eyes back in your head like this? Like I'm dead? Yeah, sure. The kid's a pro. Springfield Municipal Court is now in session Judge Multon presiding. Your honour, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is. I can run over any kid I want. (Gasping) Mr Burns I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court I will cite you for contempt. You wouldn't dare. Well, no, I guess I wouldn't. Calling Bartholomew J Simpson to the stand. Everyone: Aw... Oh, please. Hello, Bart. Now you know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie don't you, son? Maybe. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States would you, Bart? No. No. No. Good. Proceed, Mr Hutz. Bart, tell the jury in your own words exactly what happened on the day of the accident. Yes, sir. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome, childlike way little realising that I was about to be struck down by the luxury car of death. Defenceless child at 3 o'clock. (Evil laughter) Luckily, I was not killed that day although sometimes, I wish I had been. Oh, he's lying. Now that's believable testimony. Hmmm. Hmmm. Mr Burns, please relate in your own words exactly what really happened on the day of the accident? It was a beautiful day. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys. Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy darted in front of me. (Laughing) Ahh! Oh, my goodness. Look what's happened. It's not important. Let's drive on. Why, you despicable, cold-blooded monster. We will summon help and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives. No! Take me! I'm old! That's what happened. What are you looking at me like that for? You believed his cock-and-bull story. It's looking good, Mr Simpson. It's looking very, very good. They hate me?! What trial were you watching? Maybe a settlement... Oh, yes, settlements, fine. Hang your heads in shame you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight. We'll buy him off with a banana. ...and that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth. I didn't know you liked animals. Oh, I don't like everything about them-- just their heads. Would you care for some wine, old buddy? Don't mind if I do. Go, go. Bottoms up, Simpson. There's plenty more where that came from. Mr Burns, are you trying to get me drunk? Yes. Homer, I'm sure you'll agree that this trial is an affront to our collective dignity. What do you say we settle this man-to-man? Duke it out? Oh, no. I mean I'm prepared to offer you a most generous cash settlement. A princely sum... well, a handsome sum that can end this little imbroglio once and for all. $500,000. Goodness. Don't answer me now. Relax, talk it over with the missus. Soak in the opulence of your surroundings and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose. Well, Marge, what do you think? Maybe we should take his money and put all this ugliness behind us. The fish is in the pan. What do you think? I'll tell you. I think he thinks I'm an idiot! The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he'll lose the trial and have to pay the million. Oh! I feel faint. $500,000! I spit on his $500,000! Hmm. Homer, what's happened to you? All this greediness and lying and shifty lawyers and phony doctors... Phony doctors? Hello. Do you know what I'd settle for? Bart's medical bills and an apology. And you won't even get that. Sorry. Offer's expired. We'll let the jury decide. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds. (Snarling) (Barking) Your honour I would like to call to the stand Mrs Homer J Simpson. (Gasping) (Murmuring) Finally, the kitchen. Something light. Like... Okarito. Okarito. Goes well with Alexandra. Oh, look. Whoa, pink. Or... Hot Water Beach. Very relaxing. Pinky, blue. It's not very kitchen-y. But it is pretty... nursery. Hmm. Nursery? Or we could go Rangitikei River. (GASPS) Oh! (LAUGHS) You little beauty! So, the nursery. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Yes, I do. She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously. Homer: Oh, the truth. Mrs Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you? He's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo with competence and loving care. But wait a minute. I'm confused. This court heard expert testimony from one Dr Nick Riviera. What is your opinion of him? Mmm. Mrs Simpson? My mother said if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Will that hold up? No, I've tried it before. Mrs Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath. Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than making him feel better. He mispronounced words that I know like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Thinking about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor. D-ohhh! And Mrs Simpson could you describe for us in your own words Bart's intense mental anguish and suffering? I don't know how intense it was. Uh-huh. I guess he did miss three days of school although he doesn't really like school all that much, so I guess that may not count as anguish. No, it doesn't. It was hard on me having him around the house. Could you put a dollar amount on these hardships? We pay Bart five dollars a week to take out the trash. I suppose if he'd been able to do it that week we might have given it to him. Five dollars? But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer is asking for a million. Well, we can't blame them for trying, can we? Thank you very much, Mrs Simpson. (Sobbing): Oh, Marge! (Sinister laughing) I'll write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not as large as the last one but I think you'll find it fair. I think we should take it. 'A million dollars.' 'My wife cost me a million dollars.' Would you like more macaroni and cheese? 'A million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.' No, thank you. Some string beans? 'No string beans, you two-timing back-stabber.' 'Uh-oh, better answer.' No, thank you. Celery with cream cheese? 'Just mouth polite nothings.' No, thank you. It would have been cool if we got that million bucks. Bart, please. We could have bought tons of great stuff, Mom. Maids, a pool, fancy sweaters-- stop me if I'm wrong. Marge, dear may I go to Moe's for a drink? Why, sure. 'I don't know ... 'if I'll ever come back here.' Good night. 'My woman's intuition is telling me something...' (Door closes) 'Oh, my God.' Well, that's it. This is the glass I'll die in. You're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born till the day they die they think they're happy, but they ain't. 'Moe. I wish he'd shut up.' Hey. Hubba-hubba. Yow! And it's not even ladies night. Hey, hey, guys. Knock it off. It's just my wife. Well, hello. Va-va-voom. My name is Marge. Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing. Oh, Marge. We've squabbled over money before. I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with the 20 in the pocket. No, no, no. You think this is about money? Well, it's not. It's worse, Marge. From now on, when I look at you I won't see the wife by my side or the mother of my children. I'll see the dame who blew my one big chance. What are you saying, Homer? 'She's been your wife for 10 years.' 'You've had three children.' 'It's time to be honest with her.' I'm not sure I love you anymore. (Gasps) But don't worry. I'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad. Marge: Oh, my Lord! I don't want to wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. Look me in the eyes and find out. No. Homer, look at me. 'All right, look at her if it'll shut her up.' 'Start with the feet.' 'Still angry.' 'Good. Good, Homer. Good.' 'This is tough.' 'Need refreshment.' 'Ah, good old trustworthy beer.' 'My love for YOU will never die.' 'Got to look at the wife straight in the eyes.' 'and tell her...' Oh, who am I kidding? I love you more than ever. I love you too. Sorry to scare you like that, babe. Okay, everybody. For the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher. (Cheering) Moe: Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018