(Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Plays the blues) (Screams) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 (Hums) Is it done yet? Is it done yet? Your meat loaf will be ready in eight seconds. D-ohhh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave? Four, three, two, one, bing! We have meat loaf. Get it while it's unbelievably hot. I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa. (Sighs) Thursday. Meat loaf night. As it was is now and ever shall be. What are you getting at? You're always trying to teach me to be open-minded. Nobody's trying to teach you that. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha! Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner. Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge, we haven't missed pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87. Friday night, pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched in stone in God's library somewhere... Where do you want to go? Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza or fried chicken. Fine. We'll go to Mars. There's that new sushi restaurant. Maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground, but isn't that raw fish? The playground has the facts right but missed the point. Sushi is considered quite a delicacy. Please, Homer. No! Dad, this argument humiliates us both. What makes you think I'm going to say yes the second time? You may say yes the 99th time. Oh? Try me. Please, Dad. No. Oh, OK, OK. Irishaimase! Please, do not be alarmed. Our chefs are just saying hello. Oh, OK. (Loudly) Hello! This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping with drunken Japanese businessmen. I am Akira, your waiter. May I take your order? What would you recommend for a family not sure they should be here? The sushi surprise-- a little bit of everything. Very non-threatening. I'll have that. Make it two. I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel. Very good. Do you have giant squid that drag men to their deaths? Not today. Sir? It's so hard to choose. This all looks so terrible. Bring me one of these and one of these and one of those. (Martial arts sounds) (Disapproving grunts) What do you think, master? No, no, no. Toshiro, that squid looks like it's been hacked by a blind woodsman. Hang your head in shame. Good thing I'm open-minded. Not bad. Interesting. Let's try this little pink one here. Mmm, very good. And another one. Oh, boy, this fish is delish. (Slurping sounds) (Nervously) Hi, my name is Richie Sakai. I'm an anaesthesiologist and I'd like to dedicate this next song to my wife, Patty. # I was born in the wagon of a travelling show! # Mama used to dance for the money they'd throw # Papa would do whatever he could... # Oh, ooh! And two of these things. Two uni? I haven't tried the flying fish roll. I recommend it with a quail egg on top. You're the doctor. (Theme from Shaft plays) # Who's the black private dick # that's the sex machine to all the chicks? # Shaft # You're damn right # Who's the cat that won't cop out # When there's danger all about? # Shaft # Right on # There's got to be something I haven't tried. Hey, what's this? Fugu. It is blowfish, sir but I should warn you that... Come on, pal. Fugu me! # They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother... # Shut your mouth # But I'm talkin' about Shaft # Then I can dig it # He's a complicated man # but no one understands him but his woman # John Shaft. # Oh, she's here. Cover for me. One fugu. Not fugu. If it is cut improperly... It is poisonous, potentially fatal but, if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty. I must get master. Oh... oh... oh, Miss Crabapple. Oh, your hair smells so... so clean. Uh, master, you are needed in the kitchen. I said cover for me, damn it! But, master, we need your skilled hands. My skilled hands are busy. You do it. Mmm... mmm... Poison, poison. Tasty fish. Concentrate. Homer: I want fugu! Mmm. Fan-fugu-tastic. (Whistles) Oh, no! (Yells in Japanese) Beautiful language, isn't it, Marge? For God's sake, don't eat another bite. I couldn't possibly. Mr Simpson-san, I shall be blunt. We have reason to believe you have eaten poison. Poison! What should I do? Tell me quick. There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu. Try something new, Homer. What will it hurt you, Homer? I never heard of a poison pork chop. Your wife agreed I should break this to you. No need, doc. I read Marge like a book. (Groans) Whoo! It's good news, isn't it? No, Mr Simpson. If you've consumed the blowfish venom-- and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable-- you have 24 hours to live. 24 Hours! Well, 22. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. Oh, Marge I'm going to die. I'm going to die. If there's one consolation it's that you'll feel no pain until some time tomorrow evening when your heart explodes. A little death anxiety is normal. You will go through five stages. The first is denial. No way, because I'm not dying. Second is anger. Why, you little..! Then after that comes fear. What's after fear? Bargaining. I'll make it worth your while. And finally, acceptance. Well, we all got to go sometime. Your progress astounds me. I should leave you two alone. Perhaps this pamphlet will be helpful. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Hello, Marge, hello. I'm the one who's dying, not you. Oh, I'm sorry, Homer. Have you thought about what you want to tell the kids? Nothing. It will just upset them. I want my last hours of family life to be happy ones. Have you decided what you want to do tomorrow? Almost. Marge: Oh, good... aw! I'm not done yet, Marge. What's that word you use for when you and I... you know. When we're intimate? Be intimate with Marge. Can I just make one suggestion? Can we get up early and watch the sunrise? Watch the sunrise. Till 6:00 am, my dearest darling and my last day on earth. (Alarm rings) (Snores) 11:30! Oh, that's just great. Why did you let me sleep? You looked so peaceful. There will be plenty of time for that! I got stuff to do. Bart, Bart! "Have man-to-man with Bart." Come here, boy. Oh, man. No! I just want to have a heart-to-heart talk. Oh. After me, you're the man around the house. You're going to have to help out... Aw, come on, I do plenty around here. Shut up, Bart! This is good stuff. I want to share something with you. The three sentences that will get you through life. Number one-- cover for me. Number two-- oh, good idea, boss. Number three-- it was like that when I got here. This is good stuff. You're going to learn how to shave. And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper tear off some teensy little squares and stick one there... and there... and anyplace you're bleeding. There and there. The blood will hold it right on your face. Now some aftershave. Oooh! Ahh! Eee! Ahhh! Hnnn! Ooo, ahh! Son of a... oh! And that's how we shave. D-ohhh! Why, you little... It was like that when I got here. Oh, that's my boy. "Listen to Lisa play her sax." Hi, Dad. Want me to cut out this infernal racket? Let me hear you play. Why? Do I have to explain? Let's share your gift. OK? (Plays somber blues) Oh! Huh? (Plays "When the saints go marchin' in") Yeah, that's more like it. Ho ho! Whoo! # Oh, I want to be in that number # when the saints go over there # Oh, over there! # (Hums) "Make videotape for Maggie." Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy. The fun never stops at the Flanders house. No siree, Bob. Hey, Flanders, could I borrow your camcorder? Okie-dokle. Why don't you all come over for a barbecue tomorrow? No, thanks. We got that new propane beauty. No, I don't... It's crying out to cook up some good eating. I said I didn't... tomorrow? Sure, what the hey. I'd love to come to your barbecue. I'll even bring the thickest, juiciest t-bones you've ever seen. Sounds terrif. The joke's on him. I'll be dead by then. (Homer mutters) Is that it? This is a videotape for my daughter, Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave. Whooo-hoo! Hope that didn't scare you. Maggie, you're grown up now, and unless you taped over this you're probably wondering what kind of man your father was. He was a simple and kind man a gentle man who loved his children and... (Phone rings) Hello. Yeah, he's here. Who is this? Bart's friend, Milhous. Bart, get your butt down here. Dad? Huh? Oh, it's you. What do you want? We've never been close, have we? Not to my knowledge. Never went fishing or played catch or hugged each other. We never danced the hootchy-koo either. What's your point? I want you to know that I love you. You do? Uh-huh. Oh, son, I love you too. How about a hug? Dad. Sonny-boy. Papa! Junior! Well, I got to go. No, son. We got a lot of catching up to do. Let's go fishing. Gee, if I wasn't on such a tight schedule... well, I... oh, let's get some worms. Oooh! Oh! Hey! No time for that. I wanted to do that. I got you! Aaargh! Gee, dad, way to hog my last moments. Just a quick game of hacky-sack. I love you, son. Yeah, yeah... the old guy's a little love-starved. Get moving, you hunk of junk. (Siren wails) D-ohhh! I know I was going too fast. Give me a ticket. I beg your pardon. Just give me a ticket. That sounded like an order. I pay my taxes, and they pay your salary. When I say give me a ticket, give me a ticket. Maybe we don't want to give you a ticket. Maybe we'll haul your butt in. Look what else your tax dollars pay for, huh? * (Plays harmonica) That's sort of nice. What are you in for? Atmosphere. OK, Flash, you get one phone call. Wait. I can't call Marge. It's our last day on earth together. I can't drag her into this mess. I know-- I'll call Barney. (Rings) # Nobody's here, nobody's here # Damn those novelty telephone answering machine tapes! Thanks a lot. I wasted my one phone call on your... Wait! I'm home, I'm home. Oh. Hi, Homer. I'm in jail, Barney. You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window. Hi, neighbour. I can see you! Just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail. 50 Bucks?! What did you do, kill a judge? Where am I going to get 50 bucks? Pizza! Why are we dressed up? Sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner. Why are we using the good china? Sometimes it's fun to use the good china. And the candles? Sometimes it's fun to use candles. Why are we waiting for dad? Because we love your father and enjoy his company. Why are we really waiting for dad? Ha! $48.70. You know, we don't usually take rusty money. You're dying, and you weren't even going to stop at Moe's for a last beer with your buddies? (Sobs) Look, Barney, it was on my list along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today. Hey, my boss! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead. That's it, baby. Work those ankles. Ring-a-ding-ding. Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts! Who the Sam Hill was that? It's Homer Simpson, sir one of the schmoes from sector seven-G. Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9:00 Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts. Homer: Wow, of all the luck. To think I almost died without telling him to eat my shorts. Oh, Homer, come on. You got time for one last beer. Please! I got to call Marge. Ha! (Rings) Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy. Is Seymour there? Last name Butts. Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I want a Seymour Butts. Oh, wait a minute. Listen, you scum-sucking, pus bucket. When I get my hands on you I'm going to pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew. Oh, it was busy. Moe, another last beer, please. Guys, keep it down. I got some last words. I never told you this before, but sometimes when I'm at work I think of you and smile. So often I think that... oh, words won't do it. I love you, Moe. Please, not in public. You better be dying. I love you. Whoa! How European. (Burps) I got to get home. Faster, Barney, faster. I'm twirling as fast as I can. I can't wait any longer. Hold on, Marge. I'm coming home, baby! (Pants) Come on, come on. Oh, where can he be? Marge! Marge! Homer! There's no time to explain. Love you, love you, love you. (Gargles) I wrote a poem for you. It's called "to a husband." OK, OK. "The blackened clouds are forming..." Give me a break, Marge. "Soon the rain will fall. "My dear one is departing "but first, please heed this call "that always will I love you my one, my love, my all." That was beautiful. (Kisses) (Sighs) Good-bye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are. Good-bye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud. Good-bye, Bart. I like your sheets. The good Book. On tape? Ooh, it's read by Larry King. Hi, I'm Larry King. In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth and the earth was without form... Azeah begat Phineas, Phineas begat Abushua, and... (Tape fast-forwards) ...begat Ahamas... (Tape fast-forwards) ...Amariah begat Aerito, Aerito begat... (Tape fast-forwards) ...Shalam begat Hilchia... ...and he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children and the heart of the children to their fathers lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. Well, that's it. My old friend Duke Seaver's standing by. We'll get some coffee. We'll get some matzo ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs, by the way. If you're betting this year, I think they're gonna win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but... Homer? (Gasps) Homer? (Gasps) Oh, Homer... Homer... Hmm... His drool-- it's warm. He's alive! Homer! Homer, wake up! You're alive! Marge, stop it. You're alive! What are you talking about? You're alive! I'm alive! I'm alive, and I couldn't be happier! From this day forward I vow to live life to its fullest. Strike! That's three in a row. Let's see that one again. Yeah, here we go. Note the excellent wrist action. It's just about to go into the gutter and then a nice spin. Ouch! A split. If he makes this, he'll be down by 40 pins. This match, though, is far from over. It is far from over but his approach has been wrong from the beginning. He's and erratic bowler. He tends to explode in the seven, eight, nine frames... Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 (SOFT CONVERSATIONS) Shh!