(Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Plays the blues) Captioned by the Caption Centre WGBH Educational Foundation. Edited by Angela Wilton. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. (Snores) (Rings) Homer, it's Barney. Did I wake you? I'm up, I'm up. I wanted to tell you about this new barbecue joint. Ooh, barbecue! It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. I can still taste the sauce between my fingers, and -- are you ready for this -- it's all you can eat! This is like some beautiful dream. (Barney belches) And one and two and three and reach and five... Marge, honey, I got five words to say to you. Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. Homer, you promised you'd only eat pork six times a week. Marge, I'm only human. Here's what we'll do. We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night, and we'll eat until they kick us out. Just like old times. Hmm. Saturday night? My sisters mightn't be available. I'll take that bet. Hello, Marge. This Saturday? We're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding. The way he's going at her, you'd think they were already married. Save it for the honeymoon. If you have other plans... D-ohhh! No problem. We'll beat it before they throw the bouquet. 'F', 'L...' oh, no, I'm sorry. That's a 'C, isn't it? If that was a vehicle you'd be dead now. But driving is my livlihood. Take it like a man. Minister: Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances, we're gathered here today to join Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony. Martha, my dear I remember the first day I met you. Hello, Selma. Hello, Stanley. This seat taken? Yes, beat it! Had I not chosen that seat Martha, who knows what woman I might have ended up with. Hmm. Selma: # Brandy, you're a fine girl # # what a good wife you would be # # but my life, my love and my lady is the sea. # Poor Brandy. Aunt Selma, do you think you'll ever get married? I don't know. Why? You know somebody? No. Since you'd only resent my pity I hope that you're one of the small number of 40-year-old, single women who finds their fair prince. (Sighs) Marge: Patty, Selma, we're home. Yeah. (Gasps with relief) Greasy Joe's sorry he ever saw the likes of me. Marge, I need to speak with you alone. (Snores) The sauce, Barney-- I could've drunk a bowl of it by itself. Oh, Barney, that's just my sister-in-law. I'll get to the point. I'm getting older, fatter and uglier. Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late. Well, I'll try. (Stomach gurgles) Homer, do you remember our last family vacation when you made us go to the Bowlers Hall of Fame to see that car shaped like a bowling pin? Who could forget? Then you'll also remember you owe me a favour to be called up whenever I desire. That was just an idle promise. Not to me. I want you to find a husband for Selma. Find a husband? Which one's Selma again? She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and walks in the park on autumn days. Oh, yeah. I thought she didn't like to be touched. Patty chose the life of celibacy. Selma had celibacy thrust upon her. But,... Homer, you will find her a man! OK. Not just any man. He should be honest and caring and well-off and handsome... Why should she have a better husband than you? Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin. Say when. That'll do. What's this stuff for? It's used in the manufacture of film and as a preservative in fast foods. It's also a potent herbicide. What's a herbicide? It kills grass. Excellent. Must find man. Must find man. Must find man. Boy, a good man really is hard to find. Gentlemen my sources say you are planning to drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so, and you'll be suspended. Who squealed? You can't get anything past Principal Skinner. Vandalism fans, hold your hats. (Boys gasp) He won't get away with that. He goes too far. One seafood burrito, Apu. I am loathe to interrupt your meditation. Time for money to change hands. Oh, sorry. Say what they will about our cafeteria I think they're the best tater tots money can buy. Mmm... (Sniffs) Wait. It smells like... sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll. (Sniffs) Sweet Lord, it is! Principal Skinner: Simpson! Surely, you knew, as you wrote your name in 40-foot letters you'd be caught. Maybe it was another Bart. Maybe it was another Bart. There are none! The contempt demonstrated by this makes me wish I could pull the Board of Education out of retirement. Call your father, immediately. Is Homer there? Moe: Homer, who? Homer... Sexual. Wait one second. Let me check. Uh... Homer Sexual? Come on, come on. One of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual. Don't look at me. Oh, no-- you rotten little punk. If I ever get a hold of you I'll sink my teeth into your cheek... You'll do what? What, what, wait. Who's this? Who's this and where's Homer Simpson? Whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner. It's a bad connection. Bart's in trouble again. D-ohhh! What's he done? The victims are the blades of grass on grounds keeper Willy's award-winning field. I'd like Bart to repay his debt to society through back-breaking physical labour resodding the field manually seed by seed. Enough about Bart. Principal Skinner, are you married? Only to my job. You tend to go for a girl, right? Well, of course. These pads come off at night like everybody else's. Why all the questions? No reason. I was just wondering if you'd like to come over to my house for dinner. A payback for the things Bart's done to your school. A home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace. Sure. Excellent. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Good evening, Principal Skinner, and welcome to our home. Thanks. I hope for the next few hours we can leave our differences in the school yard. Fine. Just get inside. He's here. Get out there and shake your moneymaker. You do it. You do it. You do it. You do it. Skinner: Simpson, I had a discomforting thought. This dinner wouldn't be a plan to set me up with an unmarried relation? Because I can assure you that I... I... Oh, be still, my foolish heart. Here we go. Boy meets beast. Ahem. Principal Skinner This is my wife's lovely and available sister, Selma. I'm Patty. What?! Patty. D-ohhh! So, Patty, tell me... about your trip to Egypt. The Nile smells like cattle rot and there's horseflies the size of your head. Marvellous. Selma hated Egypt too. A camel spit on her. I've heard they can be difficult. Patty, the Parents Advisory Board asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants V. Would you go with me? (Drops silverware) I don't... I don't... She'd be delighted. I'll cancel. No, you won't. We have plans. Your first date in 25 years is more important than playing Hearts with mother. I tried to repel him. Pack of Lady Laramie 100's. We know it could have been me. Laramie Hi-Tars hard pack, and I don't have all day. Smoke them in good health. Any lottery tickets? No. All right, five. Stupid Principal Skinner. You've got to be kidding me. Save your strength, lad. There's a whole field for you to resod yet. D-ohhh! Bart, you wouldn't know what sort of candy your Aunt Patty likes? Cherry cordials, sir. Very good. Regarding your punishment... do you feel that you've learned your lesson? The thought of doing anything bad makes my stomach turn. Well, then... you're free to go. Willy, you can take it from here. Adios, dude. You'll be back! You haven't seen the last of Willy! I don't see why all this is necessary. Patty, you don't want to show up looking like Yosemite Sam. How do I look? Achingly beautiful. # Two and two are four # # four and four are eight # # eight and eight are 16. # Hello. Cherry cordials. I hope you like them. I like them OK. Let's get this over with. I suggest we start with the Springfield revolving restaurant. Skinner: You know, food tastes better when you're revolving. So far, the evening is a big disappointment. Indeed. Truly terrible. Hey, can we get some service over here?! I've asked for water three times. Is everything all right? If it isn't little Jimmy Pierson. Class of '71. Good evening, Principal Skinner. Pierson, get this woman a glass of water and tuck in your shirt! Nearly 30 and still working as a bus boy. I'll tell you the standardised testing never lies. Doesn't surprise me. She's always been the lucky one. Two minutes younger. Skin like a china doll and bosoms till Tuesday. Well, don't worry. There's still plenty of fish in the sea. Right, Homer? Oh, yes, plenty of fish. You just don't have any bait. Man: What a shame. Out of gas. Hmm? Don't be stupid. Oh, sorry. Come on, love. Loosen up. I just can't forget what happened to that poor dingo back there. Who could have done such a horrible thing? It was probably just a wallaby. Now come on. Well...OK. Ah! Hello, Dolly. Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen. Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant. Isn't it nice we hate the same things? So, see me again tomorrow? I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class. The day after that? Oh, gee, tae kwon do. The day after that? Seymour, you're touching me. Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties. Hi-ya! Thursday I'm going food shopping. You can come along if you like. Until then. Tell me every filthy detail or is your tongue too tired? It was a lousy meal, the movie was awful and he didn't get anything. Patty: One kiss, but don't brag to your friends about how you scored. * Oh, I wish I could make a PA announcement to the whole world. Attention everyone, Seymour Skinner is in love. Oh, wow, that's pretty cool. Bart, Skinner'll kill you. Ha! He works for me now. Simpson. What is that there? Mmm. Mmm. Ah, Patty. Bart, I hate to pull you away from your daily exercise but I wanted you to be the first to know. I'm asking for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage. Your funeral. Lighten up. You're making happy hour bitterly ironic. I've got to find a date for my big, fat, snotty sister-in-law, Selma. I'm intrigued. What does Selma look like? My wife's ugly sister. Wheel her in. I'm not picky. (Belches) A rule of thumb is two years salary. I can't afford that, I'm an educator. Seymour. I'll take it. My sister is not going out with Barney Gumble. Homer: Hey, Selma's no prize pig herself, you know. Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma. OK. What did you learn in school today? Principal Skinner's asking Aunt Patty to marry him. Thanks, kid. You made my day. But nothing, Marge. She's a heifer, plain and simple, and... Oh, there's the little prom queen now. Can the sweet talk. You're right. It's time to ash can my girlish hopes and dreams and grab the next train out of the station. Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding. Oh, shut up. Why are you dolled up like a chorus girl? Well, it take a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse. It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine. Take it to the hoop. Hi, look what I brought. Ah, schnapps? I'll take that. Skinner: You seem preoccupied tonight, my little pudding cup. Patty: My sister's on a date with a big, fat rummy. Well, there's something up here that will pick up your spirits. 'Marry me, Patty'? Geezum crow! Look at the size of that rock! It's the second most precious jewel in this bell tower. Patty, the question before you is, will you marry me? I don't know. Just say whatever's in your heart. OK. It's not that I don't love you. You love me! Kalloo kallay! Yes, yes, but... But? But I'm a twin and I have a special... Special tie to your sister. The only man I could marry would have to understand... That you couldn't leave your sister for any man. Oh. Yes, I know you appreciate why you can never... See you again? Exactly. It's a kind of a catch-22. Farewell, my Patty-cake. Good night, sweet principal. (Sobs) Bart Simp... oh, Springfield Elementary, I will have you back again. After all... tomorrow is another school day! And then when I got out of the service, they, uh... well, the next few years are a blur. Patty, where's Skinner? We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again. I hope I can find a man like that. Are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me? Yes. Thanks. Let's get some pancakes. Listen, Barney... nah. She broke my heart, Mo. Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds. Well, what do you know? You're right. And look ` a whole pitcher to myself. You got to be kidding. I told you you'd be back. Captioned by the Caption Centre WGBH Educational Foundation. Edited by Angela Wilton. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.