* (bell ringing) (whistle blowing) (playing the blues) MAN: Well, then, let's move on to new business. Have you taken care of McBain? Don't worry, Senator Mendoza. By now, our dear friend McBain has met with a, shall we say, unfortunate accident. (laughing) With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us. Any more new business? (crash) Only your deaths. McBain! Oh, hmm, hmm! (screaming) Aah, McBain!! Meeting adjourned. $2.50 for this? What a gyp. You certainly broke up that meeting. Right now, I'm thinking about holding another meeting... in bed. Oh, McBain. # The rules that constrain other men # # mean nothing to McBain... # Boo! I want to see the manager! The screen was too small. The floor was sticky. The romantic sub-plot felt tacked on. We demand a refund! It's against our policies. I'll policy you... Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude. Don't you... tell me what to do! You young whipper... snapper. And thank you for nuclear power which has yet to cause a single proven fatality... at least in this country. Amen. Nicely said, Homer. Bart ate a green bean during the blessing. You opened your eyes. Eating is worse. Is not. Is too. Is too. Is not. One more word, and no cartoons for Bart and no college for Lisa. Dad! Dad! Not one word! I said knock it off. We didn't say anything. Not one word. (phone rings) (phone rings) No pantomime, either. (phone rings) Telephone, Homer. (phone rings) It's the hospital. The hospital? Hello? Oh, my God! I'm happy to say your father only had a mild arrhythmia. Mild?! There wasn't anything mild about it! Now get back to the pharmacy, you quack! Oh, with that feisty attitude you'll bury us all, Grandpa Simpson. Oh. Pull your chair closer, my son. What is it, Dad? P.U., not that close! Eesh! Homer, that heart attack made me realise that I'm going to die someday. Oh, Dad, you and your imagination. There's something I think you should know. Homer, you have a half brother. A half brother? Uh-huh. It happened when I courted your mother. I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her. Hey, handsome. Want to dunk the clown? She did things your mother would never do ` like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town and she had a little surprise for me. We left the baby at the Shelbyville orphanage and I never saw him again. A year later, I married your mother, and we had you. Abe Homer should respect his father. He must never know about that carnival incident. Okay. Promise? I promise. Whoops! Forget what I just told you. What are you blubbering about? This makes me feel special, Dad. That must mean you really love me. Hmm... interesting theory. I'm going to find my brother even if I have to move heaven and earth. Yeah, right. Good luck. A long lost half brother. How Dickensian. Any idea where this bastard lives? Bart! It's the correct word, isn't it? I guess he's got us there. Hmm. Bart: # Bastard, bastard... # Marge: Bart! Homer: Bart! Bart: # bastard, bastard. # 2148. This is it. Excuse me, is this an orphanage? They tore down the orphanage 30-odd years ago. 30 years? I'll never find him. I'm doomed to walk through this life alone. (desperate sobbing) Oh, brother, where art thou?! Take it easy. They moved across the street. Oh, sorry. I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I have spent years searching for my long lost twin brother. I wish I could help but we're looking for my brother. What's his name? A Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert. Herbert! Herbert Powell! Where can I find him? I'm not allowed to release that. Oh, please, please. This is my life we're talking about. I do sympathise with your situation. After all, your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit. I know he could be anywhere! I want you to narrow it down! If you ask me, the city of brotherly love isn't Philadelphia, it's Detroit. Changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being... Read between the lines, you fool! I get it, okay. Here's 20 bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives? I don't want... Tell me! He lives in Detroit. Fine. Thank you. Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell... Pomerantz, Poole, Popkin Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randolph. Oop, too far. (gasp) Here it is... Powell. Any luck, Homey? No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Well, want to try that H Powell? H. Of course! That could stand for Herbert. It's a long shot, but... (ringing) Hello? Is this H Powell of detroit? Yeah. Does the "H" stand for Herbert? Yeah. Wahoo! The "H" stands for Herbert! Herb, were you adopted? Yeah. From the Shelbyville Orphanage? How did you know that? Because... I'm your baby brother, Homer. Hello... hello? Hello? Stupid phone! Knock it off, I'm here. I'm silent because of the emotion. Oh, sorry. We need to get together. Okay, brother. Grab the next plane to Springfield. I'll tell you what. Why don't you come here? Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * BART AND LISA: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Just a little further! If you don't behave, we'll turn around and go home. But, Marge I want to see my brother. For God's sake, Homer, it's an empty threat. Oh. D-ohhh! Oh. D-ohhh! (siren wailing) You were going... Oh, sorry, sir. I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge? Wow! What are you doing here? What does it look like? D-ohhh! D-ohhh! (laughing) We're losing ground to the Japanese. Why? Unfair trade practices? Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington? Some gypsy curse? I'm tired of excuses. Why did I hire you Harvard deadheads? Because you went there. Yeah, but Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way. I worked my way through washing your dishes and scrubbing your toilets. Now I remember you. Have you named our new economy model? You'll love this, chief-- the Persephone. Persephone? What the hell kind of name is Persephone? She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. D-ohhh! The king of the underworld carried her off to Hades. While there, she ate six pomegranates. People don't want cars named after hungry, old Greek broads! They want names like Mustang and Cheetah-- vicious animal names. The problem with you guys is you've forgotten your roots. What are your roots? I guess they extend to when the Angles met the Saxons. In other words, when white met bread. Sir, we'd love to know what your roots are. I have no roots. All I know is that... I'm just... a lonely guy. ALL: Oh... What's he so upset about? Good Lord. Marge, this can't be the right address. Hello, in there. Homer? Herb? You look just like... You look just like... Except you got less... Except you got more... and a little more... and a little less... God, I feel so..! God, I feel so..! Homer! Herbert! Oh, Herbert. Welcome to my home, brother. Holy moley, the bastard's rich! Herb, allow me to introduce my family. This is my wife, Marge. Hello. You old dog! She's gorgeous. Thank you. And our three children Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Hello, sir. Hello, Mr. Powell. All born in wedlock? The boy was a close call. So, Lisa are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about? No, sir, I'm not. I'm the little hell-raiser, sir. Would you like to hold Maggie? I wouldn't know how. Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! God, that new-baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know. I feel the same about you. I want you to make yourselves right at home. Any time you're hungry, day or night cook will make you anything you want. Even pork chops? Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool... if I want pork chops during the night your guy will fry them up? That's what he's paid for. If you need towels, laundry... Wait. Let me see if I got this straight. It's Christmas Day, 4:00 am... There's a rumble in my stomach... Homer, please. Your old man sure loves pork chops. He sure does, Uncle Herb. Bart, Uncle Herb sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me... Uncie Herb? No problemo, Uncie Herb. He's adorable. My nephew's adorable. Marco. Polo. Marco! Polo! Will you kids shut up?! So, Marge, a little about yourself. Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children. We have so much catching up to do. Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything. Watch me dive! Watch me dive! Okay, we're watching! I hope we're not spoiling them. Man, you weren't watching. You didn't watch me dive. A millionaire?! I kept the wrong one. Look, son I'll come as soon as I can. In the meantime please don't do anything stupid. Uncie Herb, can I spit over the side? I love this kid. Hock your brains out. (hocking) (hocking) Ho, got him! Cook, sorry to bother you so late but I got a hankering for some... that's right! Don't forget the applesauce. Okay, Homer. Pick out any one you want. Are you sure you want to give me a car? You know what these things cost me? There's maybe 40 bucks' worth of steel in them. Oh, okay. I'd like a big one then. We don't have one. Why not? Americans don't want big cars. Then give me one with pep. Sorry, our cars don't have pep. Why not? Americans want good mileage, not pep. Homer, tell the nice man what country you're from. America. Do you hear that?! This is why we're getting killed! Instead of listening to what people want you're telling them what they want. Homer I need your help. You do? Yeah. I want you to help me design a car-- a car for all the Homer Simpsons out there and I want to pay you $200,000 a year! And I want to let you! * Homer, my team of engineers is going to build your car. Hiya, team. This project is our top priority. Everything else is on hold. Inform me when it's finished. ALL: But, sir... (scolding) Direct all your questions to Mr Homer Simpson-- the man with the vision the man who's going to bust this company out of its rut the man who's going to change American transportation forever. What kind of car would you like, Mr Simpson? I don't know. Whatever you kids want to do today tell Uncie Herb. Oh, dear. I want to go on a pony ride. I want to go on a boat ride. Pony ride. Boat ride. Pony ride. Boat ride. Ahoy, mateys, Yee-ha! Kids are so easy to please. I hope we're not spoiling them. Nah. What's that? The on-board computer. Oh, right. What's that do-hickey? Your brother told you to help us with this car. Yeah, he did. Well, then, why don't you get us some coffee? Oh, okay. Batting ninth... Uncie Herb! HOMER: Whew. Oh, boy. How's your car? Oh, fine. We're putting in an on-board something and rack-and-peanut steering. Homer. Huh? Did you ask for rack-and-pinion steering? I think I did. How could you? You don't even know what it is. May I be excused? Homer, why did I hire you? You think I'm a genius? I don't think so. You think I'm dynamic? I don't think you're dynamic. I work well with others? No, no, no. Because you're an average schmo. Oh, great. All you need is a little self-confidence. I don't know anything... Listen to me. From now on, before you say anything say to yourself "If I was ever sure of anything I'm sure of this." Do you understand? Sort of. Answer me with self-confidence. Sort of! Now go get 'em! (screams) I want a place in this car to put my drink! The car has a beverage holder. Hello, hello, Einstein. I said a place to put my drink-- those Super-Slakers they sell in the Quickie Mart. The cup is this big. Large beverage holder. I'm not done. And that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in the parking lot. Little ball... And snazzy things like tail fins and bubble domes... I've got to call the boss. Hello? You know what? I'm glad you're nervous. That means we're on the right track. Uh-huh. This is what you're going to do. You're going to hang up, call me back and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Bart, Lisa, come over here. What is it? I want you to hear what the guys think of your old man. Um, Homer Simpson is a brilliant man with lots of well-thought-out, practical ideas. He is insuring the financial security of this company for years to come and his personal hygiene is above reproach. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Way to go, Dad. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Pretty good, eh? Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I want a horn here, here and here. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. You can never find your horn when you're mad Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. and they should all play "La Cucaracha." Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Can do, Mr S. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. And sometimes the kids are in the back seat Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. hollering and making you nuts. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. Maybe a built-in video game would keep them entertained. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. You're fired. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Why are you here? Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. What about a soundproof bubble dome for the kids Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. with optional restraints and muzzles? Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Bull's-eye! Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. And when I gun the motor Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I want people to think the world is coming to an end. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. The mouse is named Itchy, and the cat is named Scratchy. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. They hate each other. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. And they express it. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Oh, good, good. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Boing, boing Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. (screeching) Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. (Bart and Lisa laughing) Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. To think I wasted my life Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. in board rooms and stockholders meetings Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. when I could have been watching cartoons. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. This old fool has wasted his life. Whoa. Our dad's the greatest. I'm impressed. This old fool has wasted his life. (cat yowling, all laugh) Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic? Now this IS spoiling them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders, members of the press, Your Holiness ` tonight, we are going to witness automotive history. (celestial music) HOMER: All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way-- powerful like a gorilla yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen presenting the car designed for the average man the Homer. (gagging) Any questions? What does this monstrosity cost? Jerry, what's the sticker price? $82,000?! This monstrosity cost $82,000?! What have I done? I mean, the zoo was fun, but I'm ruined! (NOVELTY HORN BLARES) BOTH: Bye, Uncie Herb. Good-bye, Herb. Because of me, you lost your business your home and all your possessions. Maybe you would have been better off if I'd never come into your life. Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe? Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother. Maybe he just said that to make conversation. His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson. Where's that millionaire chip off the old block I call sonny boy? Get in, Dad. I'll explain on the way home. D-ohh, I knew you'd blow it. Dad? What is it, boy? I thought your car was really cool. Thanks, boy. I was waiting for someone to say that. Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018