(Bells rings) (Whistle blows) (Plays the blues) D-oh! Ah! (Dog whining and scratching) (Barking) (Growling) No. No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Bad Santa's Little Helper! Stop it! Not the sports section! D-ohhh! (Whining) (Homer growling) Stupid dog. No! Stay away. This is not for you. This is Homer food. (Jabbering) Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day. (Groaning) Hmm, Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunch box to my hand. My, you're burning up and your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr Hibbart. Homer: Marge, the dog is hungry. Singsong voice: Well, then feed him. Yes, master. D-ohhh! You're my best friend. (Laughing) You're my best friend. (Laughing) (Jabbering) (Laughing) (Jabbering) (Laughing) You're my best friend. (Growling) Hello, Dr Hibbart? This is Marge Simpson. Not that I'm angry but how did you get my home number? I see. Quite ingenious. Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps. Mrs Simpson, much as I'd like to rely on your diagnosis it might be professionally derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule. 2:00 is fine. Thank you, Dr Hibbart. No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home. If Bart stays home, I'm going to school. Fine. Then... Wait. If Lisa goes to school I go to school. But then Lisa stays home so I stay home... Lisa, don't confuse your brother. Have a nice day, Bart. Get my homework from Mrs Hoover. Homework? Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps. (School bus approaching) (Whining) Hey, Bart dude. Hey, Otto man. Yo, hairy bro. Go home, boy. Go home. Blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. (Whining) (Sniffing) (Bell rings) (Bell rings) You wandering mongrel. Get out of my mom-and-pop operation. (Barking) (Squawking) (Ring) Hello? Simpson? This is Sylvia Winfield. Your canine is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden. Oh, are you? Go ahead and call your precious dog warden you old battle-ax because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block-- on earth-- inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free. D-ohhh! Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right... D-ohhh! Well, howdly-do, Simpson. Getting a little exercise? Good for you, pal. Look at this rascal. He's a wet old baby boy, isn't he? You're just a water monster. Well, well. Mr Universe takes a walk. Ha ha. Mr Universe-- I wish. Look at that getup. Heavy hands, ankle weights-- that's cute-- and... (Gasp) Assassins! You betcha. They got velcro straps a water pump in the tongue, built-in pedometer reflective sidewalls and vanity licence plates. How much? How much? Well, they're not giving them away but sometimes you just got to spoil yourself. Yeah. (Beeping) My heart rate's dropping. Better skedaddly-do. Ahh. Mm-hmm. Discoloration of the saliva glands... Marge: Oh, dear. Swelling of the parotids... I knew it. Looks like Lisa has the mumps. You'll be missing a week of school. I don't want to fall behind my class. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl. What's your favourite subject? Arithmetic. Before you know it, you'll be back among your polygons and hypotenuses. Now you rest and have yourself a Wahwee pop. (Phone ringing) Hello? Hi, Lisa. What's wrong? The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease. My little girl is growing up. (Laughing) Yuck. Quit it, Dad. So what does my little girl want? What? Let me write this down. Copies of Teen Dream Teen Scream and Teen Steam magazine? Well, okay, you're the sickie. Goodbye, Lisa. Hey, Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me? Sure thing, Homer. (Contented sigh) (Smacking) Well, Lisa, here it is-- the Bouvier family quilt. (Sniffing) Wow! Neat! Smells historic. Ooh. For five generations women in our family have each added a square to it. Now it's your turn. Lisa: But I don't know how to sew. Yes, you do. You just don't know it. The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins. Very impressive. You try it. Oww! You just need to develop a callous. (Humming) You see? Now that's a sewing finger, honey. Eww. Oh, man. Two dollars? Uh, I'll take these three. Hmm. They're for my daughter. Sure they are. Wise guy. Huh? Oh. Assassins! Oh... 125 bucks? 'Sometimes you got to spoil yourself.' 'Spoil yourself. spoil yourself. ' I can't afford... 'I order you to buy those shoes!' Okay, Flanders, you're the boss. This one's mine. "Keep on truckin'"? What does that mean? I didn't know then and I don't know now. Here's your stupid homework. Ooh, phonics, functions, vocabulary... Remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart. D-ohhh! Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey? Eight. Whoa! Assassins! Yep, read 'em and weep. Those are very elaborate sneakers. They better be for 125 big ones. D-ohhh! $125? Bart! Ahh! Homer! D-ohhh! We agreed to consult each other before any major purchases. You bought those smoke alarms and we haven't had any fires. (Growls) A manhunt-- or should I say a woman hunt-- is on... Joe, yours is the only show I'll do. (Jingle music playing) As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest. (Jingle music playing) It's a penalty kick for Snyder. (Whining) (Screaming) (Gasping) ...Too late. (Homer whimpering) Nooo! Howling * (Whimpering) Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here. Right. School's your answer for everything. Marge: Hmm. Oh. (Groaning) Oh, this one looks very reputable. (Barking) (Blows dog whistle) What lovely handwriting. Have a toffee. Such a neat dog. Have at them. Well done. Oh! Now, if I could borrow Satan's Little Helper. Santa's Little helper. Ladies and gentlemen, most of you know that with a little love and compassion any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. That's nonsense taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits. Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life. Choke chain. You raise a dog the same way you raise a child with simple, authoritative commands. Lay down! Followed by immediate correction. (Yelps) How can we tell if we're doing this manoeuvre effectively? The dog's eyes will cross and his tongue will protrude. Is my dog dead, ma'am? Ha ha! I am often asked that. Choke chain is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing. Woman on TV: Jack, I think the baby might be yours. I'm sure it is, but I'd like to see you prove it. You treat me like garbage. That's the way you love it, baby. Is it always this good? I just step in and out. I'm only watching today because Brandy is coming out of her coma and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse. Oh, that dog! Bad dog! Don't worry, Snowball. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Mom, what will we do if Santa's Little Helper doesn't learn anything in obedience school? I don't know. Father McGrath, I thought you were dead. I was. There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself`` one is like a faithful friend, the other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr Simpson? Like a hose - your wrinkled highness. Uh, I decided I don't want these shoes. Wait a minute. What happened here? My faithful dog was bringing me my shoes and they fell apart in his mouth. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft or acts of dog. Big cookie! Aloha. Well, aloha. Like a free sample? The price is right. Mmm. Ooh. Macamacdamia nuts. You can buy some for a dollar each. Oh, so that's your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack up the price. Well, you win. Property of... Homer... J.... Simpson. Hands off! (Snarling) Mom, I finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. (Coughing) On the left is Mr Largo, my music teacher at school. He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And "Bleeding Gums" Murphy. He said music is like a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth so you better stick an instrument in front of it. And look. Oh. Oh. (Lapping up water) (Spooky music) (Growling) Come on, Homer. I want you to see what your sick little girl did. (Screaming) My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Crying) Now, Marge. Honey, honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to... My cookie! (Sobbing) This is not happening. This is not happening! We're having a family meeting. We never had a family meeting before. We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before. Homer, what are you saying? I'm saying (Jabbering) * Don't give him away. I'll set fire to my hair. I'll rip my clothes. I've suffered at the paws of this dog. But when I look into his vacant brown eyes I just can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father. You do? # Ha ha ha ha ha! # Homer, please. It's not the quilt. He's a nice dog, but he chews up everything. He doesn't obey. He's not housebroken. We've spent money on obedience school and I don't see improvement. If Santa's Little Helper studies hard, passes his finals and becomes a perfect dog can we keep him then? No. Dad! This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition but we can't question his heart. Are you teaching us that to solve a problem with something you love you throw it away? (Crying) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me I want you in my corner, honey. Oh, all right. If he passes obedience school, we can keep him. All right. Yay. (Coughs) Bart: See, boy, it's not so hard. Here, roll over. Roll over. Like this. Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee. Oh, thank you. Moldy old maid. Homer, can we place this ad after the dog fails his test? No. We have to commit ourselves. Now take this down. Free to loving home, world's most brilliant dog. Says "I love you" on command. (Grumbling) Type, type. Now Sit. I said, "sit." Take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I tell him. Homer: We'd never give him away but we're moving to where dogs are forbidden. You're what? Oh, sure. Come here, boy. Put that prowler down. Come on, boy. (Panting) Say "I love you" for the nice man. I wuv wu. Good dog. Good doggie. Isn't that amazing? See you soon. Woo-hoo! Have your dogs mastered the "stay" command? Let's see if they "stay" away from this Beef Wellington. Now, stay. (Panting) Stay, boy! Stay! Stay! Stay!!! (Chomping) Man: He'd be happy on my farm. People think only mules can pull carts-- impatient people. But patient people know better. (Yelps) Homer: You can pick him up tomorrow. Mrs Winthrop, I was thinking. Ah! Oh! Oh, dear. Since you get paid either way, would it be a big deal to let my dog pass? Rubber stamp, thank you very much, next in line. Is that it? Yeah. Heavens to Murgatroid. But perhaps I cling to the old ways as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered one by one. But my time has not passed yet! The world does not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit! He'll sit, he'll sit. Come on, boy, sit. Sit. Blah-blah, blah-blah. Pull the chain. Huh? Correct the dog. I won't strangle him. Pull the bloody chain, boy! (Yelping) (Whimpering) I'm sorry, boy. You can't help being dumb. What are you doing, dear? Sewing a new quilt. It's one thing to be a link in a chain. It's another to start one of your own. This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt. Well, you certainly captured the moment. Come on, boy sit. Sit... sit... Oh, come on, sit! Oh, man. He's not going to learn now. Don't spend your last hours together tormenting him. Have some fun. Frolic with him. Go get it, boy! (Growling) (Growling) I'll miss you, boy. I thought we were going to be pals forever. But we're going to have to say goodbye because you don't understand a word I say. If you just knew how to learn... Blah blah sit. Wait, you did it. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Lay down. Shake hands? Stay. Speak. (Barks) All right! Good boy! Roll over. You son of a bitch. Good show! (Cheering) All right! Yay! www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018