(Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Plays the blues) D-oh! Aaah! Dad, the next time we see you we'll do something more fun. What could be more fun than today's trip to the liquor store? Thanks for the beef jerky. Say good-bye to Grampa. Both: Bye. Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's wet. He smells more like a photo lab. Stop it! Grampa smells like a regular old man which is more like a hallway in a hospital. Homer, we should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly. We'll be old someday. You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my dad would you? Well... (Screams) Marge, what do we do? I think we better set an example. Absolutely. Our third Sunday of every month should be a pleasure not a chore. Where's someplace fun we can take Grampa? To the pony ride. No. He can't sit on ponies. I always enjoy the glass blower at old Springfield town. Big yawner. The Museum of Barnyard Oddities. No, Bart, no. Bart, gross. I got it. Homer: The Springfield Mystery Spot. Lisa: Dad, it's just a dumb mud puddle. All: Discount Lion Safari! (Mumbles) Hey! These aren't my pills. Now, now, Mr Simmons. Don't make me call Nurse Bronski. That's Simpson, damn it, and these aren't my pills! Excuse me, nurse. My name is Simmons and I think I have the wrong pills. I get two red ones for my back spasms a yellow one for my arrhythmia and two of the bluest eyes I've ever seen in my life. Then these must be... I have your... Both: They must have.... (Laughs) (Coughs) Look at us. We're staring at each other like a couple of stupid, punk teenagers. I wasn't staring. It's... my lazy eye. I'm Beatrice Simmons, but my friends call me Bea. Well, I'm Abraham J. Simpson. Care to tip the wrist with me? Oh, I would be delighted. So, um... tell me about yourself. Widower, one son, one working kidney. And you? Widowed, bad hip and liver disorder. You left something out. Ravishing. Mmm! Ohh! Ummm! Mmm! And what are you doing tonight? Sitting alone in my room. Oh, well, you've got plans already. No. What were you going to say? Oh, nothing. Oh, Abe. You were going to say something. I was wondering if you and I... you know, might go to the same places... you think this would get easier with time! I'd love to. (Sings gibberish) # Taxi, honey # (Gibberish) OK. Now where's that pomade? "... never fly solo again." Ah, damn, out of pomade. Oh, well. Ooh, hello, young lady. Is your grandmother home? Oh, Abe, I can tell I better keep my good eye on you. Damn straight. # Embrace me # # my sweet embraceable you # # Embrace me # # you irreplaceable you # Bea: # Don't be a naughty baby # Abe: # Come to papa # # come to papa-do # # my sweet embraceable you. # Herman, a very special lady is having her birthday tomorrow. The Battleship New Jersey. No, you idiot! My girlfriend Bea. Since this is the only store I know... Nothing says "I love you" better than a military antique. Let's look at the bayonet case. Hey, what's that? That was Napoleon's hat. It doesn't look like Napoleon's hat. It's the one he wore for a week in April, 1796 just before he defeated the Sardinians. Ooh, how much? $400. I'll give you five bucks. I wouldn't offer that to a man with a gatling gun. Herman: Why don't you try Grandma's World? Yo, active wear. I need a price check on a wool shawl. Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month. Go away! Oh, come on, Dad. I promise we'll have more fun this time. I can't go. It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday. Oh, you have a girlfriend. Well, happy birthday, Bea. She can come with us. There's room for all your friends in the car. She's not invisible. It's her birthday. Yeah, right. Kids, stop kicking the seat. I'm kicking the seat. Want to know where we're going? No. All: Discount Lion Safari! Damn these child-proof doors. Hello. That will be 18.50, partner. Lisa: "Do not feed animals." "Do not allow animals in the car." "Do not make eye contact with animals." Are we in Africa yet? Did anybody notice this place sucks? The animals are sleeping. Let them sleep on their own time. (Horn honks) Homer, are you sure this is the right way? (Screams) (Roars) Abe: What a wingding. This is much better than my girlfriend's birthday party. Bart, get out and push. Yeah, Bart. No way, Jose. Abe: OK, we've seen the lions. Can we go now? (Scream) Oh, Bea! (Trumpets) (Gunshot) Mr Simpson, I presume. Out of my way. I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are. What? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but Bea passed away last night. Oh, no. It was her ticker. The doc said her left ventricle burst. Oh, no, Jasper. They may say she died of a burst ventricle but I know she died of a broken heart. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * Abe: I can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer. (Grunt and groan) I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad. Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no, Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot, I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life. I'll never speak to you again! I have no son! Oh, Bea. It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr Simpson? Who the hell are you? Lionel Hutts, attorney at law. I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Bea was wealthy and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you. Really? There is one catch. You must spend one night in a haunted house. Just kidding. Here's a check for $106,000 "to enjoy as you see fit." Oh, I'm touched. $106,000?! Ta-ta, Mr Simpson. By the way, old-timer, I do wills. Here's a pen with my phone number on it. It looks like a cigar. Isn't that something? Hello. Hello, Homer? Dad's on the phone, he's calling me! Oh, Dad, I knew you'd forgive me. I haven't forgiven you. I just inherited $106,000, and I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime. D-ohhh! Mr Simpson? What? I couldn't help overhearing about your new-found fortune and let me assure you that here at the Springfield Retirement Castle money does make a difference. I mean, there are rubdowns and then there are rubdowns. Listen, you bloodsucker, has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings whether they have money or not? Yes, but it passes. You lousy son of a..! I'll take it. Hey, big spender, why the change of heart? Bea told me to enjoy my moolah and I'm going to, dagnabit! Huh! Yeah. Yeah. So, where to, Pappy? Someplace fun. You're the boss. Next stop... Funsville. Ayah. Ayah. Ayah. I miss Bea. I miss you too. (Screams) Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh, I'm glad you're keeping busy. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness? Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money why don't you spread it around? Make other people as happy as you made me. Oh, thanks, Bea, I will. And go see your son. He misses you. Oh, I miss him, too, the big, fat dickens. Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you. What was death like? Not as scary as this! (All scream) I miss my daddy. This thing with your dad has had you moping around the house for days. It's time for you to talk to someone who understands. You've reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line. (Doorbell rings) If you have a sullen teenager, press one. If you're estranged from your spouse, press two. Trouble maintaining... Grampa! Huh? Dad! Sonny boy! Is there room at your table for a foolish old man? Well, sure. We'll have to move a chair in from the den. Bart! Choose your corn cob. En garde. Challenge accepted. All my precious stacks of gold... (Homer belches) couldn't buy the pleasures of a family meal. Pass the bug juice. Wait your turn, you pig. I have an announcement to make. I've decided to give Bea's money away to people who really need it. They will come to me and plead their case, and then I'll decide who needs it most. That's the noblest thought ever expressed at this table. We want it. Bart! Forgive him, Dad. He's a stupid kid. Says the first thing that pops into his head but there's wisdom in his innocence. You don't want it. I do. Too bad. * Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weatherlady has this town been so consumed with rumour and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson announced that he will give away over $100,000 to the person or persons he finds most deserving. Is Grampa Simpson a modern day saint, a rich nut or both? Only time will tell. This is Kent Brockman, on-line for an old man's money. Ah, you see, Gramp I want to customise the bus. You know, chop the top jack it up, put mag wheels on it psychedelic paint job from hell, man. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour. Here's an artist's rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick. Next. Grampa... I can call you "Grampa," can't I? Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I need that money, please. Wait a minute. You're that guy who owns the nuclear power plant. The ownership is divided. What are you doing? Mr Simpson, I dread the day when $100,000 isn't worth grovelling for. Get out of here! You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man. Here's the deal, Grampa. A guy I think was an explorer left this in the bar one night. It may be a map to ancient treasure or directions to some guy's house but to find out, we'll need money, provisions and a two-man diving bell. It's pretty stupid but so far, you're the front-runner. It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive food and warmth. The floor can become electrified and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it the "Monroe box." Well, it sounds interesting. How much will it cost to build? That's the beauty part. It's already built. I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of 30. What are you trying to prove? My theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and will harbour a deep resentment towards me. Hmm, interesting. I want a tear gas pen a blow gun with paralyser darts... Oh, no. Nunchakus. What the hell are those? A copy of Radioactive Man, #27-- that's the first time he fights Dr.Crab-- and that baseball card where the guy's flipping the bird. Oh, and a monkey. What the hell is that? Why, it's a death ray, my good man. Behold. Hey, feels warm. Kind of nice. It's just the prototype. With proper funding, I'm confident this baby could destroy an area the size of New York city. I want to help people, not kill them. Well, to be honest the ray only has evil applications. You know, my wife will be happy. She's hated this whole death ray thing from day one. Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money? I don't deserve it, Grampa. No one here does. The people who deserve it are on the streets and in the slums. They're children who need more library books and families who can't make ends meet. If you wanted to, you could buy me a pony. You're right. I'll name her Princess and ride her every day. No, you're right about all the souls who need a helping hand. I need to clear my head. Oh, dear. (Baby cries) Ah, I'm exhausted. Oh, poor baby. Been lifting your wallet? No-- I'll have you know I've decided to give my money away to truly needy causes. Hmm. But $100,000 isn't enough. I need more. Why don't you go on the seniors' gambling junket? You could double your money or even triple it. Well, it's tempting. They got a 99cent shrimp cocktail. You sold me. Slow down. Are you trying to get us killed? It's too hot. Turn on the air. Hey, mellow out, old dudes or I'll jam this baby into a river all right? Humming to Edgar winter's "Frankenstein" I'm looking for Abe Simpson. I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him. We get that a lot. He left with the senior casino junket. Casino? Ah! Humming to Jethro tull's "Aqualung" Come on, everybody! Hello, I am Plato. Please partake of Keno, craps and the loosest slots in town. My philosophy is "enjoy." Change, please. A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake and, for God's sake, hurry. $5,000 on... what century is this? The 20th. Put it on #20. Excuse me. Have you seen an old man with a lot of money? He looks like me, but he's wrinkled. Dad! No! (Abe laughs) Holy moley. You're winning. Beat it, boy. You're cramping my style. Quit while you're ahead. You got to take your money and leave. Sorry, boy. I have to get enough to help everybody. You could lose everything. Homer I think Rudyard Kipling said it best. "If you can make one heap of all your winnings "and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss, and lose "and start again at your beginnings "and never breathe a word about your loss "yours is the earth and everything that's in it. And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son." You'll be a bonehead. Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling about that number. The wheel only goes to 36. Okay, put it all on 36. I've got a feeling about that number. Give me that money. Come on. Stop it. Ow! You're hurting me! Thirty-six! No more bets. Son, if this lands on 36, I'll... Double zero. Son, you saved me from losing all my money. For the first time in my life, I'm glad I had children. So, uh, have you figured out who gets the money? Yes, Homer, I have. (Crowd gasps) Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018