(Bell rings) (Whistle blows) (Plays the blues) Announcer: Live, from Mount Splashmore Tri-County's funnest water recreation facility, it's the Krusty the Clown Show. Hey, kids. (Cheer) You know, today's the last day of our special week on location at fabulous Mount Splashmore. I want to say the people here have been super to me and Sideshow Mel. The food, the grog... oh, they threw us a brunch yesterday with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon. We ate till we plotzed. The thing I'll miss most is those special, special Mount Splashmore water slides. So much fun, so many memories. Excuse me a minute. It has been a great week. (Sighs) I hope you kids come out and pack this place to show them how grateful I am. I told them you would. Don't make me a liar. OK, kids it's time to... This is a rather shameless promotion. It worked on me. Me too. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me?! Yeah. Of course. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Yes! Thanks, Dad. Come on, Homer, get the lead out! (Horn honks) (Moans) Oh, gee... Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination. Heads up. I'm moving the seat back. It is back. All right, everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ... D-ohhh! Challenge the raging waters of death. Dare to discover what water is really made of: H2whoa! Whoa. Whoa. All right! No line. Bart: Ay, caramba. OK, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe. Mommy! I want my mommy! Step aside, come on. Spread out, spread out. Look out, fatso. Coming through. Moving to the front of the line. Lis, nice work. No, Maggie, stay in the shallow end. To hell with this. Slide inspector coming through. Please move to the right. Out of my way. I'm here for your safety. God bless that man. Hey! Bitchin'! (Laughs) Hey! What?! Come on, you stupid tube. There's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger. (Kids scream) Can't breathe... too many kids... Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. ...On the lighter side of the news and I use the term loosely... D-ohhh! No, the slide is perfectly safe. It was an isolated incident. Isn't that exactly what you said right before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise? Now, Kent that question is out of bounds. This interview's over. All right, family, I want the truth. Don't pull any punches. Am I just a little bit overweight? Well, am I? It takes time to properly sugarcoat a response. D-ohhh! Oh, 437..! What? Oh, my God! Three hundred and... What's this-- 150? Ah! Oh. Ah! Oh. Oh, my God! It's 260 pounds! I'm a big fat pig! Now, Homer, you do have big bones. Marge, no one gains 30 pounds of bone. But I'm going to change. From this day forward I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent no doughnut too tasty no pizza too laden with delicious topping to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight. As god is my witness, I'll always be hungry again! (Stomach gurgles) Oh, shut up! * This old attic's kind of spooky isn't it, boy? I said, isn't it, boy? Ahh! Don't ever do that to me again. OK. D-ohhh! Get away from that thing and help me find my athletic equipment. Homer, I found your weights. Oh, the glutemus maximizer. Hey! Who's the mop top with the big schnozz? That's Ringo Starr. What is this? Hey, your mother must have painted this. I guess she thought he was cute. What..? Hey! What the..? Marge! I was a schoolgirl. The Beatles were popular and I had a crush on them. Likely story. Why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night? We've got steamed vegetables and rice cakes for you. Well, wait a minute. I've been setting my drinks on these things. They're only 35 calories apiece. Hello? Hello? Hello, taste? Where are you? Put something on top for flavour. Now you're talking. These paintings are good. While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is I'd love to hear how your gift was squashed. Well... No, not another portrait of that bongo-beating Liverpudlian. But Mr Schindler... Someone might have used this canvas to create a masterpiece. Instead, you've soiled it forever. Now, this is art. Thank you, Mr Schindler. Lisa: Oh, Mom, I can't believe you gave up painting because of one art teacher. Marge: I was so upset I sent the portrait to the only man whose opinion I trusted. Lisa: And what was Ringo's response? I never got any and I never painted again. You could take a class. I think it's a nice idea. Don't you, Homer? Will I have to do anything? No. Great! Fine! Go nuts! (Timer dings) Mmm... only 35 calories. Hello, Mrs Homer. Apu, what are you doing here? I'm taking screenwriting. I yearn to tell of a young Hindu pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it Hands off my Jerky, Turkey. Clever title. Thanks. My brother thought of it. Next up. She wants to enroll in 'Painting 2B'. Not so fast, pint-size. No one can enroll until Professor Lombardo inspects and approves their portfolio. Lisa, this was a bad idea. Mom! Ah... very good. Fabulous! Ah, even better. You have real talent. My high school art teacher hated them. The man was a fool but one must admire the force of his conviction. I'm in? There couldn't be a class without you. If you'll excuse me, nature calls. Marvellous! (Grunts) Stupid weights. The heavy hands don't work unless you move, Homer. I can't move, boy. Oh, really. (Grunt): Whoa! Now, using the Lombardo method you learn to see everyday objects as a simple grouping of geometrical shapes. Here, we see how two concentric circles various trapezoids, ellipsis-- and yes, even a rhombus!-- Can create an adorable little bunny rabbit. It's just that easy! (Grumbles) (Trumpet fanfare) # Lincoln, lincoln, I've been thinkin' # # what the hell have you been drinkin'? # # Is it water? # # Is it wine? # # Oh, my god, it's turpentine. # Go! Go! Go! (Theme from Rocky plays) Bravo! Now it belongs to the ages. Not another stroke. Oh, one more. That's it! Perfect! Mmm... Marge, you find the inner beauty of your subject and bring it out. Thank you, Professor Lombardo. Well, you're welcome, my dear. Marge, walk with me. They've asked me to submit the best painting from my class to the Springfield Art Exhibition next week. I've decided to choose your Bald Adonis. You're so supportive. I wish every teacher was like you. Please, I don't take praise very well! Oh, another triumph! Hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... yeah. I can't believe it! Go mom! Whoo-hoo! I'm a work of art. Last Supper, eat your heart out. Garbage! What matchbook art school did you flunk? You nearsighted house painter. Throw this on the dung heap. I'm sorry, I quit. That's what you call your artistic temperament. Sir, the dedication of the Burns wing of the museum is only six days away. Your idea of a portrait was as half-baked as your idea about me having children. Find me an artist. I'm afraid you've systematically alienated Springfield's art community. The only one left is Mrs Homer Simpson. Who? She won first prize in the art fair and is the wife of an employee. Excellent. Once again, the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet, perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me. Somebody down here does too. Shut up! * D-ohhh! Whoo! D-ohhh! Whoo! D-ohhh! Whoo! D-ohhh! Whoo! D-ohhh! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! 249. Yeah! Wa! Wa! Wa! Marge! Marge! Look at me. My clothes are just hanging off me. That's wonderful, isn't it, kids? Pass the moo juice. Remember what I said about support. Way to go, Dad! You look marvellous. Oh, what a family. Hey, what gives? These doughnuts are piling up. Homer Simpson went on a diet. Oh, my God, and I just bought a boat. Don't people answer the door these days? Allow me, sir. Open up! Open up! Mr Burns. Oh... would you like to come in? Mr Burns would like you to do a portrait of him. Have you ever painted the rich? Well, no. Just Ringo Starr. Ringo? He was the drummer for a rock and roll combo called the Beatles. Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the Sullivan show. What was Ed thinking? Mrs Simpson, this commission and all of its glory can be yours but first you must answer one, simple question. OK, shoot. Can you make me beautiful? I don't think that will be a problem. I'm no matinee idol, you know. Well, maybe not but I have the gift of being able to see inner beauty. Mrs Simpson, you may immortalise me. Ah, sir, at last the world will see you as I always have. Yes, yes, yes. Don't be stingy with the blush, Smithers. Now, you-- paint. Honey, I'm home. Burns: There's an original sentiment. (Screams) Take it outside, Simpson. I'm male modeling. I'm painting his portrait, Homer. (Laughs): Isn't that wonderful? My work and my home life come together in such a nice way. May I see you in the other room? Honey, he's nuts. Please, you've got to make him look handsome. Homer, don't worry. All I need to do is find Mr Burns' inner beauty. Ohh! OK. What were you like as a boy, Mr Burns? Did you have a dog that you loved? Well... dahh! There's something on my leg. Get it off! Mr Burns, she's just a baby. All right, all right. Who took the funny pages? Ziggy goes to the repair shop and there's a sign on the doorbell reading "Out of Order." Ah, Ziggy, will you ever win? (Hums) Oh, my. If you'll excuse me I'm changing for a board meeting. I'm so sorry, Mr Burns. Did he have those spots all over his body? I heard that. Would you feel more comfortable if I left too? Of course not. You're like a doctor. Burns: Smithers, I want my tea! Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that? I value every second we're together from the morning till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss. He's my best friend. Bah! Too hot! Right. It's scalding me. Dear Sally. In response to your letter of December 12, 1966 me favourite colour is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply. Mr Starr, tea and crumpets. Set it over there. Your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Weatherby, they took the time to write me and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. Hello. What's this? From Springfield, USA. Gear. Will you cease that infernal tootling? I was just practicing. It's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at a girl. You've got two days left, so shut up and paint! You don't like me and I don't like you but I've been very good so treat me right. All right! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoo! Whoo! Marge, I'm 239 and I'm feeling fine. I'm using the original notches that came with my belt. That's wonderful, Homer. Let me get this straight. You're pleased with your current appearance? Why, my good man you're the fattest thing I've ever seen and I've been on safari. If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. (Sobs) Mr Burns I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Another day here and I would have needed half a white valium. Thank you. See you at the unveiling. (Whistles) Homer, what are you doing? Give me that. Burns is right. What's the use? Don't listen to him. He's just a mean, little SOB. Oh, Marge. I thought there was good in everybody until I met him. Just paint a nice picture of him. I don't think I can. What?! You have to. I can't make that man beautiful. I'm just not good enough. I guess I'm no artist. Hello. What's this? It's for you, Marge, from merry old England. "From the desk of Ringo Starr." Ringo: "Dear Marge. "Thanks for the fab painting. "I hung it on me wall. "You're quite an artist. "In answer to your question "Yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England "but we call french fries 'chips.' "Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply." Come on, Marge, paint. I think you can do it. OK, Homer, if you think I can. Ringo: # Got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues # # and you know it don't come easy # # You don't have to shout or leap about # # you can even play them easy. # (Chamber music plays) (Plays "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow") Friends, art lovers, security personnel today is a red letter day for the Springfield Palace of Fine Arts. The new wing for our museum... ooh, and a portrait commemorating the man who ponied up the due. Ladies and gentlemen may I invite you to behold Montgomery Burns. Smithers. (Gasps) Oh. D-ohhh! I don't care for this. Um... hello. My name is Marge Simpson and I painted this. Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it. Well, I guess I wanted to show that beneath Mr Burns' fearsome head with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue and evil brain there was a frail, withered body perhaps not long for this world as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures. (Crowd applauds) Man: Yes! Provocative but powerful. He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it. Hmm... Marge, a word, please. You know, I'm no art critic but I know what I hate, and I don't hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful and, incidentally thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. I thought I did. Captioned by the Caption Centre WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018