* Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2018 You hear about Miss Hoover? She drank a bottle of drain cleaner. I heard she fell down a well. Ahhhhh! (Sobs) My God, she's been dumped again. Children, I won't be staying long. I just saw the doctor. I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives. What's Lyme disease? Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you and sucks your blood malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream and the brain. The brain-- oh, dear God. Awesome! Oh, gross. Come on, Elizabeth. Now, children, here we are. Open your primers to page 32. Ah, subtraction. (Screams from above) Bart Simpson! I know it's you. Here comes snowball two. This is the one we kept. Kids: Eww! We wanted the gray one, but the mother ate her. Mrs Krabappel He's traumatizing the children. As usual, I agree with you. Bart, shut that off. Look, this is cool. When I hit reverse, they go back in. (Screams) No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. (Cap guns fire) Are you the substitute? Yes, sir. Are you insane? No. Just getting their attention. Well, all right. Play friendly with your new teacher, children. Howdy. I am a Texas cowboy. The year is 1830. You young'uns ask me any questions you like. Can we play kickball? Son, there ain't no kickball in 1830. Any other questions? Shoot, it's awfully quiet on the plains here. How about this? I want to see every person staring right at me. There are three things wrong with my costume. Anybody names those three things will get my hat. I know the answer. What's your name? Lisa Simpson. Go ahead. Your belt buckle says "State of Texas" but Texas wasn't a state until 1845. Very good. The revolver wasn't invented until 1835. Excellent. You're of the Jewish faith. Are you sure? I'm Jewish. No Jewish cowboys. Very good. Excellent. I'm also wearing a digital watch but I'll accept that. And there were a few Jewish cowboys-- big guys who were great shots and spent money freely. I'm Mr Bergstrom. If you want to tease me two suggestions are "Mr Nerdstrom" and "Mr Booger-strom." Boys and girls today we will begin selecting a class president. I'm not allowed to vote but I strongly suggest you elect Martin. As your president I would demand a science fiction library featuring an A-B-C of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Bester, Clarke... What about Ray Bradbury? I'm aware of his work. Thank you, and... keep watching the skies! Excellent! Excellent Martin. If you're through with your pemmican why don't we sing a song about cowboys? This one's not very accurate but we'll fix it up as we go along. # Home, home on the range... # Actually, the range was far from home. It was a desolate place where danger and disease rode tall in the saddle. # Where the deer and the antelope play... # But unlike the Indians cowboys used only the tongue of the antelope and threw the rest away. # Where seldom is heard a discouraging word # # and the skies are not cloudy all day. # Hey, what's this? Did you do it? No, it wasn't me. I would never do anything like that. It's neat. Can I have it? Yes, but I didn't do it. Are you sure? It's good. No, but I'm starting to wish I had. Ladies and gentlemen the Singing Dork. (Whispers): Lisa. (Snickers) Any other nominations? Both: We nominate Bart Simpson. Speech! Speech! I had a speech ready, but my dog ate it. (Kids laugh) Children! Bart, I need someone reliable to deliver a message to the principal's office. Would you do it? How would I know where the principal's office is? (Laughs) (Claps and cheers) People, what have I told you about encouraging him? When Bart wins approval for being a fool... Yay, Bart! (Hysterical laughter) (Chant): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! "Nobody... "of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair "knew that a gray spider "had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died." (Cries) Come on, Janey everybody has talent. I want to see yours. I have no talent. There has to be something that you do better than anybody else. I can do this. Yes! Great. How about you, Ralph? Wonderful! Chuck. Oh, that's disgusting. I love it. Lisa! I see a saxophone. I can't. I bet you're good. No, really, I can't. Sure, you can. Please don't make me. All right, you owe me. (Bell rings) (Laugh and chatter) So... I'm technically still married but there's no marriage to speak of since Mister Krabappel moved into his love nest. This profession can strain a marriage. Since he's been gone I've been looking for a substitute to teach me a lesson I sorely need. Mrs Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. Well? I'm sorry. You're very nice, but it's the children I love. (Sighs) (Saxophone plays the blues) Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * He's my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning. I feel that way about your father. You don't understand. When he smiles, you only see these teeth but when you really make him laugh you can see these two teeth. Maybe he had orthodontic work, but they're perfect. I notice little things about your father too. No, Mom. This man makes you feel like there's nobody better. Your father does that. Are we going to talk, or are we going to talk? First you have to accept that I feel that way about your father. Fine. Yesterday he read us Charlotte's Web and cried at the end, never hiding his tears. (Laugh) (Laugh) A book made him cry? Boo-ho! Waaaah! (Growls) Nobody, and I mean nobody gets in after lunch without one igneous rock-- that's volcanic-- and one sedimentary, and that is layered. Lisa, can I see you? Yes. Yes, Mr Bergstrom? Lisa, your homework is always so neat. Does your father help you with it? Homework's not my father's specialty. My dad couldn't... - Not mine. - I didn't finish. Unless the next word was "burp" you didn't have to. In a sample taken in this very classroom a State inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos! That's not enough. We demand more asbestos. More asbestos! More asbestos! (Kids chant): More asbestos! More asbestos! Wow! You made the front page. It's just a popularity contest. Just a popularity contest? What's more important than popularity? Bart, do you think you can win? Sure. Why not? I knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity but I knew better. President Simpson. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, boy? Hmm... yeah. Now, go get 'em! (Growls) He says there aren't any easy answers. I say he's not looking hard enough! (Kids cheer) (Kids chant): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! (Laugh) (Cheer) (Kids chant): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. You'll miss your brother's antics. When? When your life takes you places others have only heard about. Where my intelligence will be an asset? Yes. There is such a place. Believe me. I believe everything you say with your words, your body language and your Semitic good looks. "Dear Miss Hoover, you have Lyme disease. "We miss you. "Kevin's biting me. "Come back soon. "Here is a drawing of a spirochete. Love, Ralph." Oh, that's great, Ralph. (Bell rings) In two weeks the Springfield Museum of Natural History will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. I urge you to see it while you can. (Slurps) Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow and I think you should take her. The museum? Tomorrow? Oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on... (Thinks) Sleeping. Eating a big sandwich. Watching TV. Spending time with the boy! Spending time with the boy. I'm concerned about your relationship with Lisa. Me, too, Mom. They're drifting apart. Shut up, boy. Homer! Marge I can't do it because... (Thinks) You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something but you're not. All right, I'll take her. Lousy brain. Hey, what do you mean by "suggested donation"? Pay any amount you wish. And what if I wish to pay... zero? It's up to you. So it's up to me? Yes. I see. And you think people will pay you $4.50 Even though they don't have to just out of the goodness of their..? (Laughs) Anything you say. Good luck, lady. You're going to need it. Mr Bergstrom! Hi, Lisa. You don't have to pay. And this must be your father. His teeth could rip through your body or he could swallow you whole. Wow! Actually, they do know a great deal about mummification. They pulled the brain out through the nose then stuffed it with sawdust and onions. Eww! Gross! Ooh! Pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolfman. I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model. She said that? No, she didn't say it, but... But you can tell. She sees everybody else's dad with a good education youthful looks and good credit and thinks, "what did I do to deserve this fat piece of..?" You have got to be a bigger man. There is a wonderful girl's future at stake. If she's wonderful, give her an "A." I am giving her an "A." Great, but don't tell her it was a favour to me. She earned it! You are smooth; I'll give you that. He ruined my chance of getting to know Mr Bergstrom outside of school. Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't we invite Mr Bergstrom to dinner? Oh, Mom, that's wonderful! Sure... Can we make his favorite dish?.. Can I get my ears pierced?.. No... Yes... no... Dye my shoes?.. Paint my nails?.. Yes... no... Can we have wine?.. Can I have wine?.. Does Bart have to be there? "Mr Bergstrom "we request the pleasure of your company..." no. "If you're not doing anything this Friday..." no. "Mr Bergstrom, do you like pork chops?" Oh, no, of course you wouldn't. (Gasps) Good morning, Lisa. I'm back. Unlimited broadband now with Vodafone TV Intro ` it's TV like never before. Switch to Vodafone and get Vodafone TV Intro and three months' free unlimited broadband. That's over $640 of value. * My Lyme disease was... psy-cho-somatic. Does that mean you're crazy? That means she was faking it. Actually, a little of both. When a disease is in all the magazines and on the news it's only natural that you think you have it. Where's Mr Bergstrom? I don't know. But I'd sure like to talk to him. He didn't touch my lesson plan. What did he teach you? That life is worth living. The polls are open until the end of recess. In case anyone decided to put any thought into this we'll have our final statements. Martin? I don't think there's anything left to say. Bart? Victory party under the slide! (Cheers) Mr Bergstrom! Mr Bergstrom! He moved. Must be a job-- he took his Copernicus costume. Do you know where I can find him? He's taking the train to Capital City. The train-- how like him-- traditional, yet environmentally sound. It's been the backbone of our country since Leland Stanford drove that golden spike at Promontory Point. I see he touched you too. (Both sigh) Thanks for your vote, man. Voting's for geeks. Well, you got that right. Thanks for your vote, girls. We forgot. Well, as long as you two did. Right, Milhouse? Uh-uh. No. Somebody must have. What about you? Didn't you vote? Uh-oh. (School bell) (Screams) (Cheers) I demand a recount. One for Martin... two for Martin. Like another recount? No. Well... let's just make sure. One for Martin... two for Martin. Mr President? Announcer: Now boarding on Track five... Mr Bergstrom! Hey, Mr Bergstrom! Hey! Lisa! Hey, Lisa, indeed. What? What is it? Oh, I mean... were you just going to leave, just like that. Aw, I'm sorry, Lisa. It's the life of the substitute teacher. He's a fraud. Today he might wear gym shorts tomorrow he's speaking French or pretending to know how to run a band saw. You can't go. You're my best teacher ever. But other teachers will come along. Oh, please! No, I can't lie-- I am the best but they need me over in the projects. But... I need you too. That's the problem with being middle class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more. I understand. Mr Bergstrom, I'm going to miss you. I'll tell you what. Whenever you feel like you're alone with nobody to rely on this is all you need to know. Thank you, Mr Bergstrom. All aboard! So, I guess this is it. If you don't mind I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life. Good-bye, Lisa honey. It will be OK. Just read the note! Homer: Bart didn't get one vote?! This is the worst thing that could ever happen to us. All right-- spilt milk, spilt milk. What are you so mopey about? Nothing. Lisa, tell your father. Mr Bergstrom left today. Oh? He's gone forever. And? I didn't think you'd understand. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I'm glad I'm not crying, because I would hate for you to think what I'm saying is based on emotion. But you, sir... are a baboon! Me? Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! You don't realise what you're saying. Baboon!! (Cries) Whoa... somebody was bound to say it one day. I can't believe it was her. Marge, she called me a baboon-- the stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of all. You're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. A little girl upstairs needs you. Her confidence in her father is shaken and no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy. (Groans) (Reads): "Go away." (Sobs) Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon? No! Nuts. D-ohhh! This isn't going well at all. Look, if you want me to forgive you... I just wish I knew what to say. (Melancholy music plays) Although, maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. It's true. You'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably someplace where they all get together and the food is good and guys like me serve drinks. Oh, well, maybe I can't explain all this but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at... monkey work. You know? Monkey? You know what I mean? Yeah. Bet I can hold nails in place with my tail. (Imitates monkey) (Laughs) You're so silly. Give me a banana. I don't have any bananas. You're holding out on me. (Both laugh) I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad. Think nothing of it. President Prince, President Princess President Priss... Hey, what's the matter, son? Aw, Dad... if just me, Milhouse and Louis had voted. Hey, son would you have gotten any money for being class president? No. Is there extra work? Yeah. Is Martin going to get to do anything like throw out the first ball at the World Series? Well, no. So let the baby have his bottle, huh? That's my motto. (Both laugh) Hey, thanks, monkey man. Holy moly, talk about parenting. (Fusses) Uh-oh. Sleep well, Maggie. Three for three. Homey, did you straighten everything out? Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup! Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. I'm on the biggest roll of my life. Captioned by the Caption Centre WGBH Educational Foundation Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2018