; (Bell rings) (Siren wails) (Beeping) (Plays the blues) (Honking) D-ohhh! Ahhh! Mmm. "Hors do-vers." Homer! You promised. I promised I wouldn't eat? Never. You lie. We've never thrown a party. Now we'll pay back all the friends who have invited us to their homes. Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all the champagne, musicians and holy men? That was our wedding. Children, it's time for bed. I want to hear witty adult banter. You can't have any fun in bed. (Chuckles) Son, when you're older, you'll know better. Mmm. Oh, baby. Mmm. Yeah. (Doorbell rings) Oh, they're here! How do I look? Do we have ice? What are our friends' names? Children, go! Hi, Homer. Please come in. You look swell. And the house-- you've done... whatever. Hey, anybody mind if I serve as bartender? I have a PhD in mixology. Disdainfully: College boy. Hey, Homer, care to try some Flanders planter's punch? Why not? I paid for it. Next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it? Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and a dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavour. I do have a warm sense of well-being and I seem to be slurring my speech. Give me another. Go easy on the alcohol. Remember the Winfield's party when you threw up in the laundry hamper? No. Hey, you're Homer's sister-in-law, right? I don't remember you being so beautiful... (Belchs) Ow! Hey..! (Belches and coughs) Is that a new kind of mace? Really painful. Oh, Dr Hibbert. Enjoying the party? Uh, no, not really. Someone has slipped a novelty ice cube with a fake fly in my drink. It was me. You fell for it. These novelty ice cubes are often made from highly toxic chemicals. A real fly would have been much more sanitary. The look on your face is priceless. Hmm. Bart! Come over here. What? You're a little monkey, aren't you? Yes, sir. Do that thing you do that's so cute. What? That thing you do. What? Go to bed. Hey, everybody! Whoa. Look! I'm the funniest guy in the world! Whoa. Homer, you're the king. (Growls) Slurring: I have wanted to tell you off for years but never had the nerve. I don't know you. Our wives are friends. We just met. You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks. I quit! Gee, don't quit. All right then. Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts... Maude? Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, OK. Ah... (Growls) Barney: Thanks for inviting me. I had a wonderful time. I must apologise for my husband. If you want him to live through the night I suggest you roll him onto his stomach. Thank you, I will, Dr Hibbert. Thanks for coming. Remember, I said 'if'. (Snores) (Strains) I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Why? What did you do? (Marge grunts) Ooh. Ow. Ooh. Marge..! Huh? Come here. Where are we going? Shh! I want to make sure the kids don't hear. I always hated knowing my parents were fighting. They're fighting in the car again. That music always sends a chill down my spine. Do you remember the way you acted last night? The way I acted? ...So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well-said, indeed. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. I slipped it in your glass. Pure hilarity. Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical joke of the season. (Laughter and applause) (Homer pants) Homer? I like to think I'm a tolerant woman and there's no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. Last night you didn't just cross that line you threw up on it! I'm sorry, honey. Can we forget it, and go to church? I'm going to church alone today. You're going to explain to Bart why you scarred him for life. No, I didn't! I... oh, you mean inside, don't you? About last night-- you might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange. You probably don't understand why. You were wasted. I admit I didn't know when to say when. I'm sorry it happened. I hope you didn't lose respect for me. I respect you as much as I ever did or will. Now, before the sneak preview of next week's sermon I have some announcements to make. We have some new pamphlets in our church news rack including Bible Bafflers, Satan's Boners Good Grief, More Satan's Boners and for the teens, It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell. Marge? Marge? The Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer Simpson's shoes. Let's put everything on hold until he takes a seat. Sorry, Reverend. Sit down, Homer. Mrs Lovejoy and myself will be holding our third marriage retreat next weekend at Catfish Lake. It's psychological counselling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread or those just in need of a tune-up. Now, if you wish to participate, please sign up in the lobby after the service is over. Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat? Oh, well, it's very tempting. Really a wonderful idea. Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane? No! Give it to..! We'll be there. ; Marriage encounter weekend, here I come. Now you want to go? They're holding it at Catfish Lake. They couldn't call it Catfish Lake if it didn't have a catfish in it. We're going to this retreat to give our marriage a tune-up. No fishing. (Doorbell rings) That's the baby-sitter. Hello. I'm Mrs Simpson. Simpson... Come back for more, eh? (Screams) (Screams) Hey! What?! Where can we get a sitter on such short notice? If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. Why do you need a baby-sitter? I'm almost 10 and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. Grandpa? Hey! Yow! What? Grandpa, could you do something? I can dress myself. Do you think you could baby-sit the kids this weekend? I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate. Oh, sure. Last resort-- old Grandpa, the feeb-- the guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow, dag-nab it. Everyone's against me. I'll do it. Marge, just putting a few last things in the trunk. (Chuckles) If Maggie runs a fever, call this number. If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket call this number. If she drinks pine cleanser, call this. I can read. Goodbye, children, and behave yourselves. Call this number if Grandpa falls in the bathtub. I heard that. All: Bye. Grandpa Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this. It's a list of things Lisa and I can and can't do. Uh-huh... uh-huh... You're allowed to smoke cigars? Homer: Hmm... bait. Uh-oh. Better get some gas. Fill 'er up. I guess I'll go and stretch my legs. Where are you headed? Catfish Lake. After General Sherman, are you? Who's General Sherman? The biggest catfish in these parts. They say he weighs upwards of 500 pounds. Who says that? They do. Homer: Oh. That's the only picture of the General. Can't see what he is. He's freakishly big, though. Hmm... gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman. Ooh... Oh, my. After the supermarket we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty burger and head for the arcade. Grandpa's a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure it's right to take advantage of him? In these crazy, topsy-turvy times who's to say what's right or wrong? My gut's telling me "bleed Gramps dry." Reverend: Mr and Mrs Simpson welcome. Reverend, we're glad we could come. Hello, Helen. Hello, Marge. Why, Homer Simpson. Here to give your marriage a little spit shine? None of your business, Flanders. Say, Reverend, will we get a chance to do any fishing? I'm afraid not. A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours. It takes a whole weekend to do that. We must bait our hooks with honesty so a happy marriage won't be the one that got away. I see. You also understand bowling expressions. Three couples-- our best turnout yet. Let's go around the room and everyone can introduce themselves and tell us why they're here. John, Gloria? My name's Gloria. I'm here because Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it manwise for some time. Not that I'd want his odour of gin and sour defeat pressed against me. That's enough, Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here. She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and talks profanely. She's the queen of the harpies. No, I'm not. Here's your crown, your majesty. Queen of the harpies! You've come to the right place. First, I want you to look into each other's eyes. Your eyes-- I've forgotten how beautiful they are. Let's never fight again. We were fools to argue. Let's not talk about that. Let's not talk at all! Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness when we pass the collection plate next week. All right, Ned, Maude, what brings you here? Well... Go on, Neddy. Sometimes Maude-- God bless her-- she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers. Lucky you don't keep guns in the house. Homer, why are you here? Because I got drunk and looked down her dress. Marge is going to tell us all your faults. Why don't you tell us about hers. Oh, she's perfect. What are her faults? Sometimes it can be annoying. Oh, Homer... Don't interrupt. You'll get your turn. I'm done. OK. Marge? It's not that I don't love the guy. I'm always sticking up for him. It's just that he's so self-centered. Wait! Oh! Now, Homer. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays-- both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes. It's true. It's all true. Don't interrupt. He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle. I only did that twice. Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate. Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge. Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chip. Did your mom really write that shopping list? What a question. What's next? Sprinkles and syrups. Aisle six. All right, but put out that cigar. Marge: He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises and when he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it. Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long and yellow. That's all I can think of right now. I guess you're all tired. I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest. We've missed the luau. Let's call it a night. TV: But, Captain I can't avenge my partner's death with this peashooter. I don't want to hear it, McBain. That cannon of yours is against regulations. In this department, we go by the book. Bye, book. All right, Mcbain! You know, it's getting pretty late. You should go to bed, Grandpa. We've had a big day. Little smart aleck... It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis. Out at 5:00. Catch General Sherman at 5:30. Clean him at 6:00. Eat him at 6:30. Back in bed by 7:00 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime. Homer... (Gasps) You're sneaking out to go fishing. I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime but we're here trying to save our marriage. You're thinking about fishing even now, right? Would this be a good time to be honest? Yes. You're right, I am. Help me, Marge. What do I do to be a good guy? Get back in bed. Oh, all right. But I can't sleep. Can I take a walk? Sure. Got to be a good husband. I got to be a good husband. Hey, kid, you forgot your... (Screams) (Screams) ; Go ahead, General Sherman, foist your strength you big, ugly catfish. I got a skillet with your name on it. Homer? (Homer yells) Hmm? Sugar? Yes, ten please. Are you sure your ma lets you drink coffee? For the last time, yes! Come on, give up. Huh? D-ohhh! Big blowout at Casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail and old. Bart's joint. Uh, two-ish. Be there or be square. Tell my friends? All right, but I got some pretty funky friends. All right. I get out at noon and I'm already invited to a party. Now, this is a trust exercise. You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you. Do I have to do this? No, even if your husband were here I wouldn't recommend it. As a marriage counsellor, this is the first instance where I've told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault. I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame. # Over there # send the word, send the word # over there # that the Yanks are coming # Ahh! OK, fish, you're probably wondering why I'm still here. Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is right up there with... the, uh... the bald guy on the cable fishing show. Whoa! Holy mackerel! Milhouse, didn't see you, pal. Bart, any chicks over eight? Not yet, but the afternoon is young. Lisa, what's wrong? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's rights movement for decades. You're great at a party. Hey, you! Don't! Shut that door! Stop it! Put that away! No! Stop! Oh! Ow! (Laughs) You young hellion. You want me to take off my belt? Yeah. I'll show you. (Laughs) Doggone it. (Grunts) I love you but I must kill you. Thanks for coming. Nice tie, Nelson. Thanks. It's your dad's. Crying: I tried to be a good baby-sitter but I failed. I'm a feeb-- a useless, old, worn-down... (Cries) Lisa, I have this unpleasant feeling I've never had before. It's called remorse you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth. How does it go away? You clean harder and faster than you ever have before. (Cries) (Laughs) # I am the champions # I am the champions # no time for losers # 'cause I am the champions of the world! # Uh-oh. Hi, honey. Uh... how's the marriage retreat going? We came to this retreat because I thought our marriage was in trouble but not this much trouble. Marge, this fish represents a better life for both of us. This fish makes me a champion and a hero. To who? To those weirdos in the worm store. It represents how selfish you are. If that's how you feel, I'll throw it back. Oh, yeah, sure. Watch! (Grunts) Wow, I did it. I gave up fame and breakfast for my marriage. I fought it for six hours. She says one word and I toss it back. And you're telling me our marriage is in trouble? Come here, baby. Oh, Homer. (Grunts) Eww. Mmm. We're back. How's your marriage? Same as usual-- perfectomundo. Oh, the house looks wonderful. Grandpa, what's your secret? Pretending to cry. (Laughs) That's right, you heard me! Pretending to cry! I can turn it on and off like a faucet. (Cries) Oh, I'm crying. I'm so sad. Way to go, Grandpa. I'll never trust another old person again. I fooled you. So long, suckers. (Chuckles) Yeah. General Sherman. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury. No one knows how old he is but if you ask me, he's 100 years. No one's ever caught him? One fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall, with arms like tree trunks and his eyes were like steel. Had a shock of hair-- red, like the fires of hell. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018