Bell ringing Whistle blowing Playing the blues D-ohhh! Aaahh! Hurry, Mom. The good comics will be gone. All you ever buy is Casper the wimpy ghost. It's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness. It will keep you from achieving popularity. I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. LISA: Hey, they DO look alike. How did he die? Perhaps he killed himself over his hollow pursuit of money. Kids, could you lighten up? RADIOACTIVE MAN rules! Never punches a bad guy without saying something cool. He's no wittier than the next superhero. Look, he knocks a guy into the sun and says 'Hot enough for ya?' Heh, heh, heh... I stand corrected. We're here. Too bad we didn't come dressed as popular cartoon characters. This looks like a discount for... Bartman! Who are you supposed to be? I'm Bartman. Never heard of him-- full price. Lousy rip-off. Is this on? Young people of Springfield, as your Mayor I'd like to welcome you to our annual funny book convention. And thank you for pumping almost $300 into the local economy. Your youthful high spirits have imparted a glow to this old war-horse. You might say I feel like RADIATION MAN. That's RADIOACTIVE MAN, jerk. Laughing I, uh... stand corrected. Well, have fun and clear out by 6:00 for the shriners. Get that punk's name. No one makes fun of Diamond Joe Quimby. Excuse me, sir. Has anyone turned in a left Vulcan ear? Well, let's see. We got a utility belt, a couple of tricorders a light sabre... Sorry, kid. Hmm-mm, hmm-mm, hmm-mm. Hmm-mm. Hey, Bart dude. Hey, Otto man. Ooh, what's that? My very own idea for a comic book. It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day but by night, fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone. Cool! Come on, Bart. We're going to see Buddy Hodges. The guy who played FALLOUT BOY on TV? Wow. I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam. Ahh, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil. Wished I was old enough to smoke Laramies. Sorry, FALLOUT BOY. Not until you're 16. Look out! ANNOUNCER: Will RADIOACTIVE MAN act in time to save the earth? Kids cheering Well, wasn't that great? We'd all like to remember actor Dirk Richter for his portrayal of RADIOACTIVE MAN and not the sordid details of his final years so let's keep the questions tasteful, OK? How about a big welcome for Buddy FALLOUT BOY Hodges! Kids cheering Any questions? When RADIOACTIVE MAN got injected with shrinking serum how come his costume shrinks too? I'm sure I don't know but I did just finish playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats. Oh, oh, over here, FALLOUT BOY! Yes, the masked boy. Does the ghost of Dirk Richter haunt the bordello where his bullet-riddled body was found? Crying: Dirk Richter was a beautiful man. Can't you little vultures leave him alone?! Hey! RADIOACTIVE MAN Number 72! It's an imaginary tale where RADIOACTIVE MAN marries LARVA GIRL. BART: Wow, Number Nine! before FALLOUT BOY became his ward. Tell you what. I'll show you something very special if you keep your grubby hands behind your back. Behold! Wow! RADIOACTIVE MAN Number One. None other. I bet it's worth a million bucks. It is, but I'll let you have it for 100. Oh, all I got is 30. Can't have it. But I must. I never knew why God put me on this earth but now I know-- to buy that comic book. Your emotion is out of place here. So, did you kids have fun? For one dollar, a man sold me 35 CASPERS and a dozen LOIS LANES. I never knew what SUPERMAN saw in her. Give me WONDER WOMAN! Lecherous growl And that golden lariat-- she can tie me up anytime. barking and howling Homer! I was just kidding, Marge. What does everyone say to dinner at Krusty Burgers? Cheering You really are a sport taking us out to a fine restaurant like Krusty Burger. What are you getting at? I need $100 for a comic book. Who drew it, Michael Malangelo? Please! I want this more than anything in the world. Well, T.S. Please, Dad... Please, Dad... No... no... No... no... Please, Dad... Please, Dad... Please, Dad... Please, Dad... no...NO!! Usually when you bug me like this, I give in so I'm not mad at you for trying-- shows you've been paying attention-- but we all know I'm not giving you $100. Are you going to stop bugging me? No... no... Are you?... Are you?... Are you?... Are you?... No... no... no... no... Are you?... Are you?... OK!! Hee-hee! I win! In your face! Yeah! How do you like them apples? Hoo-hoo! Don't gloat, Homer. Bart, when I was your age I wanted a child-size, electric light bulb oven. My parents wouldn't give me the money so I went to my sisters. We'll give you half our allowance. But you have to be our slave. OK. We'll have more free time. Let's take up smoking. For months I worked and worked while my sisters smoked and smoked. # Hey, Venus # # Oh, Venus... # We want those dress shields hand-washed and drip-dried. But the big day finally came and because I'd worked for it, all those light bulb-warmed treats tasted extra good. Maybe a part-time job is the answer. Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You already take care of Maggie, and Lisa... Lisa: She means you, stupid. Me? The Wonder Years narrator: Were they serious? The Byrds' 'Turn, turn, turn' playing I didn't realise it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away... forever. What are you staring at? Uh... nothing. Neither of us said it, but at that moment my dad and I were closer... Bart! Stop it. Sorry. * # I need some money # Ah! Empty bottles... empty bottles. It's practically empty. Here you go, Apu. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a jumbo cherry squishy? No, I need the dime. It is good to see you are learning a trade. Ching, ching, CHING! Aha! Americanize this, my good man. Okey-dokey. All those coins were only worth three lousy cents? Let the good times roll. This is so humiliating. I feel like such a geek. LISA: How's it going? LISA: Terrible. Cars slow down to laugh at me but no one's buying. Maybe you need to play on their sympathies more. Now you look pathetic. Ha-ha! Lemonade sucks! I need a new product. Let's see... ah! Form a line. No crowding. Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear. Hey, can you give me one on credit? Beat it. Hey, you got a liquor licence? Uh... my dog ate it. Got to have a licence. Writing all those tickets must make you guys thirsty. How about a couple on the house? Seeing it's a first offence... I guess we can overlook this. So long, officers. Uh-oh. Hey, what's all the..? Screams: My beer! My beer! My beautiful beer! MARGE: The poor boy is so desperate. Wants to earn money to buy a comic book. A comic book? Oh, my. Boys never change. Which one is it, NAZI SMASHER? I don't think so. Send him over to my house. I got a few chores he can do. He knows how to mix whitewash, don't he? Crows cawing Mrs. Glick? You must be Bert Simpson. You look like you got a strong, young back. Would you like something to eat? I got dried apricots, almond paste sauerkraut candy. No, thanks. Who's that? MRS GLICK: Oh, that's my brother Esa. He was killed in the great war. Held a grenade too long. This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from the boys in 'D' company-- Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob and Reggie. Yeah, even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you` Explosion Gulp Here, have some ribbon candy. Boys LOVE candy. No, thanks. Boys love candy! Eww! I'd rather get to work. We'll start with a little yard work. When you're done, you can have a nice barley pop. I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds? All of them? Good boy. Now be careful with these. I'll be inside watching my stories. Grunting Ow! Ow! Ooh! Jack, please. I'm married. That must be what's turning me on. Oh, stop it... some more. Filthy... but genuinely arousing. Finished. Merciful heavens! You're bleeding. I'll get the iodine. MUMBLING: Now, let's see.... bunion pad... liver... iodine. Now don't fidget. Listen, lady, you don't have... Long scream MRS GLICK: They never improved on iodine. Hi, Mom. Did you make any money? Not yet, but I'm in a lot of pain. Well, what you're doing for Mrs. Glick is nice. Poor old thing doesn't have anybody. There's a reason. The sludge certainly collects around those downspouts, don't it? I'll sludge you, you old bat. Today, we wash Beulah. You know what that is? Some old-lady thing nobody's heard of? No. It was my wedding dress. But then I dyed it black and it became my mourning dress. Great story, lady. Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms. Cat growling Yowling No, no, not the iodine! Burn the germs off with a torch amputate my arm, but not the... Screaming Well, it's payday. I'll wager you've been looking forward to this. Oh, yes, ma'am. Here we are-- two quarters. Two quarters? You deserve every penny. You know, I've told a lot of my girlfriends about you and they have chores too. Two quarters?? Bart, you didn't say thank you. Listen, lady, I can leave without screaming and without saying a bad word but there is no way that I am saying thank you. You're welcome. All right, off you go to spend it on penny whistles and moon pies. Door slams Moon pies, my butt. Somebody ought to moon-pie her. What's wrong? I busted my hump for that old clam and all I got was 50 cents. When I was your age, 50 cents was a lot of money. Really? Nah. Dad, I've done everything and I've only got 35 bucks. I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out. Gasps Can I have it for $40? You made me get off my stool for that? It's all I've got. I sold seeds visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake! No way. What do you want? Can I have it for 35? I do not need this. Freaking kids. I've got a masters in folklore and mythology. Do you have the Carl Yastrzemski card where he had big sideburns? Show me the 30 bucks because if you ain't got it, I ain't getting off the stool. Wait a minute. Martin, if you, Milhouse and I went in together we could buy a copy of RADIOACTIVE MAN Number One right now! Wow! Wow! Muttonchop yaz. Don't want it. Freaking kids. Look, we got 100 bucks and we'd like to buy RADIOACTIVE MAN Number One. So why don't you just waddle over there and get it. Yes, sir! Wow! Breathe it in, boys. Sniffing This is the stuff dreams are made of. It smells like my grandpa. Uh-oh, looks like rain. We better get this baby home. Uh-oh. Looks like you bought more than you bargained for. Fiendish laughter * My pants...caught on barbed wire. Good lord! Choke! An A-bomb! Yaarrgh!! Grunts ...Becoming radioactive. DEEP, POWERFUL VOICE: From this day forward I shall call myself... RADIOACTIVE MAN! So that's how it happened. I would have thought an atomic bomb would kill him. Now you know better. Turn the page, Bart. BART: Careful, careful, ahh. Listen, you guys can come over and read it any time. Why can't we keep it at my house? That's crazy talk. It's ours as much as it is yours. How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays Milhouse, Tuesdays and Fridays and yours truly, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Wait a minute. What about Sunday? Yeah. What ABOUT Sunday? Possession will be determined by a random number generator. I'll have one through three, Milhouse, four through six and Bart, seven through nine. Wait a minute. What about zero? Yeah. What ABOUT zero? In the event of a zero, possession will be determined by rock, scissors, paper-- best three out of five. All right. That's cool. Excellent. Well, today being Saturday, I'll be taking my... Uh-uh-uh. Nice try, Martin. It almost worked but tonight this comic book stays right here. If the comic stays, then so do I. Me too. Fine. We're all gonna stay here. It'll be like a sleep-over. Yeah, a sleep-over. That's what pals do, right? Real friendly-like. I want to read it again. Nice try, mister. The acids in your hand could damage the newsprint. We want to keep this comic forever so the last one alive will have the honor of being buried with it. What do you mean, 'last one alive'? Years from now. Yeah, sure you did. Bart, don't push him. I knew it-- you're both against me. Nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J. Simpson. Quit it! YOU quit it. No, YOU quit it. All choking I thought you boys might like some milk and microwave S'mores. Gasping: Thank you, Mrs. Simpson. Thanks, Mom. Sweet dreams, boys. All crunching Thunder One more step and you're a dead man. I have to go to the bathroom. So do I, but you don't see me getting up. What's going on? Martin was trying to steal the comic book. Let's tie him up! Thunder Is this how you treat all your guests? Quiet, piggy. We'll have to take turns watching him. OK. I'll go first. Ah! So that's your little game. Let old Bart get nice and drowsy then when his back is turned, wham! Well, it will not happen, see? You're going crazy. I'm telling your mom. What do we do with squealers, Martin? Is it worse than having to go to the bathroom? You can't stop me. The hell I can't. Both grunting MARGE: It's really coming down. Could you check on the boys? They're fine. Whoa! Yeow! Bart! The comic! Don't let go of me, Bart! Milhouse, it's not that far to the ground. The rain's probably softened it up a bit. No, Bart, no! If you guys hadn't tied me up I could be saving the comic. Shut up... shut up! Help me, Bart. I didn't even want the comic. I wanted Carl Yastrzemski with the big sideburns. Grunting Ripping Growling Gasping Thunder clap Boys, you better come in the house. You don't want to get the sniffles. Oh, Mom. Now come on. Hmm. You can play your little tie-up game inside. I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows? I do! I do! I'd raise my hand if I could. Birds chirping Yawning D-ohhh! It's no use, fellas. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came. We worked so hard and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. What's your point? Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off. RADIOACTIVE MAN: Well, the world is safe again, but... for how long? Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Edited by Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018