Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2018 THUNDER RUMBLES HOOVES CLATTER Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theatre! This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theatre! Me, too. Whoa there, Chauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you and then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? (GROANS) APPLAUSE It's Shrek! Whoo, Shrek, yeah! ALL CHEER Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! # Happy birthday to thee. Happy birthday to thee. # Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! ALL LAUGH (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare, foul beast... ALL LAUGH Someday you'll be sorry. We already are! (GROANS) (SOBS) Mommy,... you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't! I am the rightful king of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother ` I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. BIRDS CHIRP (YAWNS) Good morning. (SIGHS) Good morning. Oh, morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? # Good morning, good morning. # Hey! # The sun is shining through. # Good morning, good morning # to you! And you! And you! # CRASHING They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. OK, you have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. (SNORES) Come on, lazybones! Time to get moving! Argh! You really need to get yourself a pair of jammies! # I got some sleep, and I needed it. # Not a lot, just a little bit. # Someone's always trying to keep me from it. # It's a crying shame. # It's a royal pain. # I knight thee. Argh! ALL GASP (LAUGHS) Ooh. APPLAUSE ALL SCREAM ALL SCREAM # It's a royal pain in the neck. # Since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please? I will see what I can do. Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Yeah, wow. Uh, is this really necessary? Oh, quite necessary, Fiona. I'm Shrek, you twit. Whatever. OK, peoples, this isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Fiona. I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. (SIGHS) Shrek? Yeah? You look handsome. Aww. Come here, you. BOTH GROAN Ohh! BOTH PANT Oh. My butt is itching up a storm, and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Oh. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name? Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir. (LAUGHS) Perfect. FANFARE PLAYS Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek. APPLAUSE Ahh! You've got it. A little over to the left. Yeah. Ooh. That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! Shrek. You got it. You're on it. Shrek! Argh! My eye! What are you doing? Argh! (SCREAMS) Argh! Ooh! Fiona! Argh! Are you OK? Yeah. I'm fine. (GASPS) Ooh, shrimp. My favourite! Fire! ALL SCREAM That's it! We're leaving! Please, calm down. Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. (SIGHS) I think that went pretty well. Donkey! Come on, now, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. (SQUEALS) (SIGHS) Just think ` a couple more days and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus and filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. and filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. Oh, you had me at 'vermin-filled'. And, uh, maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor. That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. You know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. Um, what if, theoretically,... Yeah? ...they were little ogre feet? ...they were little ogre feet? Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Argh! (GASPS) (SIGHS) Honey, let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry, and then they cry when they poop, and they poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. KNOCK AT DOOR (SIGHS) Well, somebody better be dying! (COUGHS) I'm dying. (WHEEZES) Harold? (COUGHS) Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. (COUGHS) Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's OK. But your love for Shrek has... taught me so much. My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog... king dad-in-law. Now there is a matter of business to attend to-oo-oo. (GASPS/COUGHS) (COUGHS) The Frog King... is dead. (SOBS) (GASPS/COUGHS) Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek,... please, come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Oh! Next in line. Now, you see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. (LAUGHS) Oh, come on, Dad. An ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's gotta be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is... is... What's his name? What's his name? is... (GASPS) Daddy! (WHEEZES) His name is Arthur. Arthur? (COUGHS) (GASPS) I know you'll do what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. (WEEPS) # LIVE AND LET DIE # # When you were young and your heart # was an open book, # you used to say live and let live. # You know you did, you know you did, you know you did. # But if this ever changing world in which we're livin' # makes you give in and cry, # say live and let die. # Live and let die. # Live and let die. # Live and let die. # Live and let die... # THUNDER RUMBLES (CHUCKLES) HORSE NEIGHS PIANO PLAYS # Hey, lady ` # you, lady ` # cursing at your life. # You're a discontented mother # and a regimented wife... # HUBBUB Whoo-hoo! HUBBUB STOPS # I ran out of places and friendly faces, # cos I had this need to be free. # I've been to paradise, # But I've never been to me. # What does a prince have to do to get a drink around here? Ah, Mabel. Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Charming? Oh, not much. Just a chance at redemption. (CHUCKLES) And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! PIANO CLANGS We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. No, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and then what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? (SIGHS) And you, Frumpy Pigskin! Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised, eh? Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy tale creature that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story, and our side has not been told! So, who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their 'happily ever after'? ALL CHEER: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This way, gents. Ooh! It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Meow! As are you. And, uh, you. And, ooh. Hi. Um, I don't know you, but I'd like to. CATS SQUEAL I gotta go! DRAGON MOANS I know, I know. I don't wanna leave you either, baby. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day! All right, be strong, babies. Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to your mama, all right? And Bananas, no more roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. (SNEEZES) Ohh, that's my special boy! Oh, come over here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! (LAUGHS) Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be king. Oh, come on. There's no way that I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. No. It's... And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion... and here's reason. (LAUGHS) Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you, me and our swamp. (SIGHS) It's not going to be just you and me. HORN BLARES All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. ALL: Aww! That's lovely. Bye-bye, babies! Shrek! Yeah? Wait! What is it? I'm... I'm... HORN BLARES (LAUGHS) I love you too, honey! No! No! I said I'm... HORN BLARES You're what? I said I'm pregnant! ALL CHEER Uh,... what was that? You're going to be a father! (LAUGHS) That's great! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm gonna be an uncle. I'm gonna be an uncle. I'm gonna be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally... HORN BLARES 9 CLATTERING Home. Whoo-hoo! Ohh, aye! Shrek! Oh! (CHUCKLES) Fiona! Fiona? SQUEAKING BABY COOS Oh no. BABY BURPS Better out than in, I always say. (LAUGHS) Whoa! Whoa-ho! No, no, no! No! No, no, no. BABY SCREAMS No, no. It's OK. It's gonna be all right. Dada! Huh? Hey! Stop! Hey, wait! Hey, hey! No, no. No! No, no, no! Oh! Hey, hey! BABY SCREAMS SMASHING Oh, no! Hey! What you...? Hey! Da-ba-boo. BABIES BABBLE Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! BABIES GIGGLE (SCREAMS) Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! (BABBLES) (SCREAMS) Dada! (SCREAMS) Shrek! Shrek, are you OK? Ohh. I can't believe I'm gonna be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? (SIGHS) # And... the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. # Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon... # (SIGHS) # When you coming home, son? I don't know when, # but we'll get together then, Dad. # Donkey! Can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Man, don't you listen to him! Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's. I mean, when have you ever heard the phrase 'as sweet as an ogre' or 'as nurturing as an ogre' or how about .'You're gonna love my dad. He's a real ogre'? OK, OK, I get it. Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. That's true. (CHUCKLES) I'm doomed. You'll be fine. You're finished. Uh, with your journey. 'Wor-cest-ters-shiree'? Now, that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy! Oh! They must be expecting us. HORN BEEPS Argh! GIRLS SCREAM What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? OK! ALL CHANT: Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkest not, we thinkest not! HUBBUB (SCREAMS) All right, Mr Percival, ease up on the reins. SMASHING For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants? Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. So then I was all, like, 'I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you.' Oh, totally. Pardon me. Totally ew-eth! Yeah, totally. Yes! I just altered my character level to plus-3 superb-ability. Hi. We're looking for someone named... Who rolled a plus-9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? (LAUGHS/SNORTS) I know you're busy not fitting in, but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. HORSE NEIGHS (LAUGHS) There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! ALL CHEER Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Ooh! Oh. Sorry. Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? That is on a need-to-know basis. It's top secret. Hushity-hush. Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! HORSE NEIGHS Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. So what are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? (LAUGHS) Giant mutant... You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. Hey! This is, like, totally embarrassing, but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly and she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something. Uh, excuse me? It's, like, whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are! BANGING Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! Cos the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Uh, hold it. Uh, we're here for the mascot contest. Er, we're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Aye! Worked on it all night long. Looks pretty real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Argh. Ow! Or this? (GROANS) If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. Now watch this! That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his invigorating lecture on how to 'just say nay'. And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire huzzah to the winner of our new mascot contest, the... ogre? ALL GASP That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at... whatever it is they're doing! ALL CHEER This is all indeed a bit unorthodox. Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Hey, wait... ALL LAUGH Classic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. BOTH SNIGGER Please don't eat me. ALL CHANT: Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! ALL: Aww! It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? (LAUGHS) Artie, a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville! ALL LAUGH (PLAYS TROMBONE COMICALLY) Is this for real? Absolutely. Now, clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. So, wait... I'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me, uh, just a second. My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, 'Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. 'Maybe I should cut him some slack. 'Cos maybe, just maybe, 'this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king. 'And maybe his first royal decree 'will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him!' That's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. And Guin? Oh, Guin. I've always loved you. Ew. Well, good friends, it breaks my heart, but enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world, baby! All right, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people, on rock 'n' roll. You just overdid it. Ow! Get to your favourite destination sooner whether that's exploring your own backyard or an overseas adventure. The American Express Airpoints Platinum Credit Card can get you there faster. Apply for the fastest Airpoints Dollar earning Platinum Credit Card and get 300 bonus Airpoints Dollars. Search 'Amex Airpoints'. The powerful backing of American Express. Don't live life without it. 9 Stunning! Look at you! You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? # It's present time! # Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. 'Congratulations on your new mess mak...' Oh, mess maker! (LAUGHS) 'Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella.' ALL GASP Would you look at that? What is it? It's for the poopies. Ew! Wait... babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present, too. Yeah! DRUM ROLL ALL: Ta-da! ALL: Ohh! You know the baby's gonna love it, because I do! Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. 'Have one on me. Love, Snow White.' Um, what is it? (LAUGHS) He's a live-in babysitter! Where's the baby? Oh, you're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. Oh, think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. What does he do? The cleaning. The feeding. The burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. Gee, thanks, Rapunzel (!) And what's that supposed to mean? Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Huh? You're tired all the time. You start letting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but, uh, how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Well, when he first found out, Shrek said... DRAGON ROARS Onward, my new friends, to our 'happily ever afters'! (LAUGHS) BEE BUZZES (COUGHS) Now... bombs away! SCREAMING Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. His name's not Peter! Shut it, Wendy. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) ALL CHEER (GROWLS) (LAUGHS) Enough pillaging! To the castle! DRAGON ROARS You gotta take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're all gonna die! Everyone in! Now! Come on! Put some back into it, people! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. Yeah, no bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! Hook! Right! Avast, ye cookie. Ooh! Start talking. (SCREAMS) Gingy! Papa! Settle down now. LAUGHTER # On the good ship Lollipop, # it's a sweet trip to the candy shop. # You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet,... where is Shrek? Uh,... well,... I don't know where he's not. You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is. On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably... Stop it! ...do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean... # On the good ship Lollipop. # Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! (GASPS) (LAUGHS) He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new 'King'. Right! But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh boy. 9 I can't believe it. Me, a king? I mean, I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact, the King asked for you personally. Oh, no. In fact, the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. Boat with a bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. (LAUGHS) Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. (LAUGHS) Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. Whoa. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. It's gonna be great! You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. And, fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. Oh yeah? What do they do? They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not, uh,... poisoned. Poisoned? Or too salty. Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards. Bodyguards? All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Just make sure they don't die of famine! Or plague. Oh, plague is bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. (LAUGHS) Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Uh, Artie? ALL: Whoa! (GROANS) There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like? This really isn't up to you. But I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Wah! (SQUEALS) Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? Mmph! Shrek! CRASHING Land ho! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness (!) Oh, so now it's 'Your Highness'? What happened to 'loser'? Huh? Hey! If you think this gets you out of anything, well, it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father. What? You just said 'father'. I said king. You're going to be king! 'You're going to be king!' Yeah, right (!) Where do you think you're going? Far Far Away... from you! You get back here, young man! And I mean it! Uh, boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be king? Oh, come on. Now, why would I do that? Besides, he'll be 10 times better at it than me. Hey, whoa. Shrek, you're gonna have to change your tactics if you wanna get anywhere with this kid. (SIGHS) You're right, Donkey. What about this? Shrek! Oh, come on. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Listen, Artie, uh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever. But what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean, if it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, 'Oh, no, you didn't! You know, you're getting on my last nerve.' And then I'll know it's... Then I'll know it's whack! Ow! Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster trying to relate to me! Artie. Artie, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Come on! Come on! Help! Help! Hello? BOTH SCREAM Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare... Oh, I knew I should've got that warranty Mr Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Uh, technically, I was merely a victim of a level-3 fatigue. And at the request of my therapist, and school authorities, I retired to the tranquillity of nature to discover my divine purpose. FLY BUZZES Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't wanna try my famous Rock Au Gratin? (CRUNCHES) It's organic! No, thanks. I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. What's with the 'we'? Who said I was going with you? I did! Cos there's a lot of people counting on you, so don't try and weasel out of it! If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? Understand this, kid. It's no more Mr Nice Guy from here on out! Oh, so that was your Mr Nice Guy? I know, and I'm gonna miss him. You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? Oh, was that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. Now, which way am I kicking? (CHUCKLES) I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Self-destructive? Look, are you gonna help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul! Yeah, I don't think so. Look, pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. (SCREAMS) All right, all right, journey to the soul. * Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see. Ha! (YELLS) Ooh, charades! OK, I see, uh, a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! OK, monster, go for it. (SIGHS) BABY CRIES I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. Ow! You're lame! Now just go for it! (SIGHS) OK. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Yes! Yes. Stay with it! Stay with it! (BEATS BONGO) Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. (BEATS BONGO) It's gonna fall! Ooh! Proper head case, you are, aren't you? Really messed up. (SIGHS) DOOR SHUTS Yeah, yeah, OK, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um... 'THAT WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR' PLAYS Just thought I might help set the mood, you know, for your big heart-to-heart chat! MUSIC STOPS/DOOR SHUTS (SIGHS) I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared, you know,... once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be, all right? Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got, and... I never heard from him again. (SIGHS) My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. (LAUGHS) OK, I guess that's pretty bad. Y'know, it may be hard to believe, what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you, and you just trust who you are. Y'know,... you're OK, Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink... really bad. Yeah,... I got that. WATER TRICKLES (SNIFFS) Oh, this place is filthy! I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this just isn't working for me. Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping. Well, maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. Oh, you mean in that rigged election? Oh, give me a break. 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, 'let down thy golden extensions!' Ladies, let go of your petty complaints, and let's work together! ALL SIGH So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit that Charming makes me hotter than July. ALL: Ew! That's it! Come on! This way! Rapunzel, wait! Charming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? (PURRS) Woof! What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. (LAUGHS) Yay! Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? (CHUCKLES) Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers, that is, if I let you last the week. But, pookie, you promised you wouldn't hurt them. Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now, forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, Charming, and you'll be sorry. Sorry? Don't you realise once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away, he's doomed? (GASPS) (YAWNS) CREAKING Ow! Argh! (PLAYS SINISTER MUSIC) Look out! They've got a piano! Kill them all,... except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Charming? Attack! Artie, duck! Argh! BOTH PLAY JAUNTY TUNE/LAUGH Ready the plank! Shrek! Help! You cowards! What has Charming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. Argh! And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! We've got to save her. But she's so far, far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Buzz, buzz, buzz... Mr Merlin, they need a spell to get them... I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me any more, kid. How about a hug instead, hm? That's the best kind of magic. Mr Merlin, please! I know you can do it. I said forget it! (MUMBLES) But... (SOBS) What's with you? (SOBS) It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, cos their kingdom's in trouble. Cos there's a really bad man. And it's just so hard! (SOBS) Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Oh, have a heart, old man. And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? Oh. (JIBBERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY) OK. I'll go and get my things. (CLEARS THROAT) Piece of cake. Well, well, well. Do you want some eggs with that ham? Now, um, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. Side effects? Don't worry. Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually. I think. Argh! Oops. Are you sure this is a good idea? Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his... Alacritous expeditious a zoomy zoom zoom! Let's help our friends get back,... ..um,... soon! Whoa! It worked! ALL SCREAM Oh, man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is there something in my teeth? (GASPS) What the...? Oh no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a fancy-feastin', second-rate sidekick! (SQUEALS) Ohh. At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pinata. You really should think about going on a diet! Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! BOTH LAUGH Oh, so you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. Ow! Ow! How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. (BRAYS) They were made in Madrid by the finest... (BRAYS) Oh, you'll learn to control that. Seriously! Man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Ooh. HORSES NEIGH Hey! Watch it. I'm walking here, and I'm gonna keep going... Pinocchio? Shrek! Pinocchio! Help me! What's happened? Charming and the villains have taken over everything! They attacked us, but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's... She's what? She's what? Puss, loan me five bucks. Come on, Puss. You heard the man. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. Ah-ha! Ah-ha! I had no idea, really. I... I swear. Quick! Pinocchio, where is Fiona? Charming has got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the show! Wait! Wait! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? 'It's a Happily Ever After After All'. 'Shrek's final performance'? Whoa! Shrek, you didn't tell us you were in a play! Well, I guess I've been so busy, I forgot to mention it. It's the ogre! Get him! Don't worry. I got this. Ugh! Kill it! Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr Shrek. I'm gonna lose it! I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room? Yeah! The breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Cos our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter! I just lost it. Oh. Uh, they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! PIANO PLAYS 'With this sword, I do...' No. 'With... With this sword, I do smote thee!' Is that the right word? Smote? Smoot? I don't think that's a word. (LAUGHS) Maybe I should 'smite' him. Let's try this again. Now... Shrek attacks me. I pretend to be afraid. Ooh. I say, 'Now the kingdom gets the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!' Blah, blah, blah. Oh, it just doesn't feel real enough yet! Who told you to stop dancing? Oh. Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! (GROANS) Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second... we've had to wait. (GASPS) Break a leg. Or on second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. Ow! Hm. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? (LAUGHS) How pathetic. Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. OK? I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What's that supposed to mean? Look, I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you... What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. (CHUCKLES) # Leave me out with the waste. # This is not what I do. # It's the wrong time. # She's pulling me through. # It's a small crime, # and I got no excuse. # And is that all right, yeah? # Is that all right with you? # Is that all right, yeah? # If I give my gun away when it's loaded? # If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it? # Is that all right? Is that all right? # Is that all right with you? No. # Had we stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups. Yeah, heart-shaped cups! And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. Shut up, Cindy. Yeah, shut up! No, you shut up. Stay out of this! Who cares who's running the kingdom, anyway? I care. And you should all care too. KEYS JANGLE Hey! Ow! (SQUEALS) Argh! I have your badge number, tin can! (HISSES) Donkey? Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're... I know. I know everything's a little fruity in the loops right now, but what happened is we went to high school and the boat crashed, and we got bippity boppity booped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a little horse who smells like feet. What's to get? Who dat? Where's Shrek? Charming's got him, princess. He plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! (GASPS) All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! (YAWNS) What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. (SNORES) You've gotta be kidding me. Well, hat do you expect us to do? We're just four... I mean three super-hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Hm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Hee-ya! Wow. Ohh. Whoa. Mom! Well, You didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. I think there's still one more. Hm. Hee-ya! (HUMS) Why don't you just lie down? (HUMS) OK, girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present... Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theatre, eh? BAND PLAY DRAMATIC MUSIC Places, everyone! Ow! Easy! Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. Huh? It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Come here, beautiful. Well, she's... got your eye. (LAUGHS) Who'd have thought a monster like me deserved someone as special as you? BELLS CHIME (IMITATES BIRD CALL) (SINGS) BIRDS IMITATE (SINGS) BIRDS IMITATE (SINGS) # Little birdies take wing. # Flitting down from the trees, they appear # and chirp in my ear... # BIRDS CHIRP # all because I sing. # (SINGS) BIRDS IMITATE (SINGS) BIRDS IMITATE (SINGS) LED ZEPPELIN'S 'IMMIGRANT SONG' # Ahh, ahh! # Ahh, ahh! # Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Argh! Oh! Move it! Go! Go! FERGIE'S 'BARRACUDA' My babies! Argh! Ow! Ow! Help! Hey! # So this ain't the end. I saw you again today. # I had to turn my heart away. # Now, if the real thing don't do the trick, # you better make up something quick. # You're gonna burn, burn, burn, burn right into the wick. # Ooh. # Oh-oh, # Barra... barracuda. # (WOLF-WHISTLES) Hey, how's it goin'? O to the K. The coast is clear. All right, people, let's do this thing. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed we'd go by the name of Team Super Cool. As I recall, it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. All right, all right, all right. From henceforth, we are to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach du liebe! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us. Artie! Wait, wait! Hey. Hey! Where is the fire, senor? Oh, please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time, and you kept it to yourselves. Artie, it's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Using you? Man, you really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Charming was gonna kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. 9 Cue the spot! # I wait alone up here. # I'm trapped another day. # Locked up here, please set me free. # My new life I almost see. # A castle, you and me. # Yes, a castle, you and me. # (SNIFFLES) Cherubs! # 'Tis I, 'Tis I upon my regal steed. # Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed. # I'm strong and brave and dashing my way there # with speed, with might, with soft and bouncy hair # through the blistering desert,... ALL: Hot! # ...across the stormiest sea... ALL: Wet! # ...facing creatures so vile... ALL: Foul! # ...so you can gaze upon me! # I knew you'd come for me # and now we finally meet. # I knew you'd wait, and from my plate of love you'd eat. (ROARS) ALL CHEER # Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? # Will Charming fight or will he flee? # Oh, please rescue me # ...from this monstrosity. # Fear thee not, honey lamb, I will slice this thing up like a ham. Oh boy. You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are not... # ...familiar. # GLASS SMASHES Well, it can't be any more painful than the lousy performance you're giving. ALL LAUGH 'Prepare, foul beast.' (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Oh, if you don't mind, could you kill me and then sing? (BANGS DRUM) ALL LAUGH Be quiet! Oh, come on. I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Oh. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? ALL LAUGH Now that be funny! Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you worked for, everything that's precious to you, taken away! Now you'll know how I felt! DRAGON ROARS Yeah! Sausage roll! Yah! Whoa! Arr. Ya! Argh! (GASPS) ALL LAUGH Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! Hey! CHEERING Hi-ya! Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You OK? (CHUCKLES) Much better now that you're here. ALL: Aww! ALL CLAP So, Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre-to-man? Ooh, that sounds fun! But I have a better idea. ALL YELL (SQUEALS) Ohh. (SCREAMS) No! Let go of me! Fiona! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Everybody, stop! ALL GASP Oh, what is it now? Artie? ALL GASP Uh! Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? You're telling me you just wanna be villains your whole lives? But we are villains. It's the only thing we know. Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. Oh, you morons, don't listen to him! Attack them! What Steve's trying to say is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. OK. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, you know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser,... it doesn't mean you are one. The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you really wanna be, then the only person standing in your way is you. Me? Get him, lads! ALL CHEER ALL CHEER No, no, no! What I mean is, each of you is standing in your own way. ALL: Ahh. I've always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa in France! I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. (CHEERS) (LAUGHS) No! ALL GASP (GROANS) A new era finally begins! Now, all of you, bow before your King! ALL GASP (CLEARS THROAT) You need to work on your aim. ALL LAUGH This was supposed to be MY happily ever after! Well, I guess you need to keep looking,... cos I'm not giving up mine. Mummy? It's yours if you want it, y'know? But this time it's your choice. ALL CHEER Whoo! Yeah! Arthur! ALL CHANT: Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Uh, excuse me. That's my seat. OK, Senor Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Although I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't. All right, all right! Look. Um, you're gonna feel a pinch and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Are you...? I'm me again! And I am not you! All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? I think the kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. (CHUCKLES) (BABBLES) Dada. (LAUGHS) # Was I wrong about the world? # It's a beautiful new place... # I smell Shrek Junior! # Where else could a creep like me... # Oh! # ...meet such a pretty face? # Meeting every day with the rising sun. # Looking up, it's looking like... # BUBBLES POP # ...my losing streak is done... # (LAUGHS) Peek-a-boo! BABY LAUGHS Peek-a-boo! Bouncy, bouncy, boy! # Used to always feel like... # KNOCK AT DOOR # Wished that I was dressed better... # Hey! Where's the baby? # Never had a lot of luck # until I finally met her... # BABY GIGGLES (LAUGHS) # Meeting every day with the rising sun. # Looking up, it's looking like # My losing streak is done... # BOTH BURP (BURPS) (BREAKS WIND) # My losing streak is done. # Well,... what shall we do now? (SNORES) BABY CRIES (SIGHS) I got it. Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, baby, come on! Oh yeah! # I want to thank you for letting me be myself # Again. Looka-Looka-Look at my hips! # I want to thank you for letting me be myself # again! Break it down! Let's go! # Stiff all in the collar, # fluffy in the face. # Chit chat chatter trying. # Stuffy in the place. # Hey! Whoo! # Thank you for the par-tay, # but I could never stay. I'm sorry. # I got many things on my mind, # but the word's in the way. # And I want to thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Different strokes for different folks. # Thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! # Dance to the music # all night long. # Everyday people # sing a simple song. # Mama's so happy # Mama start to cry. # Papa's still singing. # You can make it if you try. So try! # Thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. # Thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Come on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! # Thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Muchas gracias! Andale! # I want to thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Thank you, thank you, thank you. # Thank you for letting me be myself. # Just wanna be my! Huh! # Can I, can I thank you? # All right! # I wanna thank you for letting me be myself # again. # Uh-huh! Uh-huh! # Thank you for letting me be myself # again. #