* MAN: WHO NEEDS HOLLYWOOD? I HEAR THEY'RE REALLY NUTS OUT THERE. # GIVE ME A TOWN LIKE OLD NEW YORK # # WITH LOTS OF TREES # # AND CLEAN, FRESH AIR # # I NEED A PLACE # # WHERE LOVE IS # # EVERYWHERE # # THEY SAY I'M # # CRAZY # # JUST A LITTLE BIT OUT OF WHACK # # 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS LIKE TO ACT LIKE MEAN GUYS # # THEY CALL ME A MANIAC # # WELL, IF I'M CRAZY # # WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO BE # # IMAGINE ALL THE POSSIBILITIES # # IF THE WHOLE WORLD WAS JUST LIKE ME # OOH! OOH! OOH! # CRAZY # # CRAZY # # EVERYONE THINKS I'M CRAZY # # BUT I'VE GOT A FEELING DEEP INSIDE # # THEY'D ALL LIKE TO BE # # JUST LIKE ME # # CRAZY # # CRAZY # # CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY # # CRAZY CRAZY # # SO ONCE IN A WHILE # # SET YOURSELF FREE # # WHO NEEDS # # REALITY? # # THEY SAY I'M # # CRAZY # # A STUDY IN IMPERFECTIONS # # BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND A LITTLE AFFECTION # # WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT, TOO? # # PEOPLE SAY I'M CRAZY # # 'CAUSE I SAY THE FIRST THING ON MY MIND # # I GUESS FREEDOM IS A SERIOUS CRIME # # THESE DAYS # # WELL, LOCK THE DOOR AND THEN # # THROW AWAY THE KEY # # I GUESS BEING CRAZY'S BEST FOR ME # # LA LA LA # # LA DA DE DA DE # # LA LA LA # # LA DA DE DUM # # LA DA DA # # LA DA DA # # LA DA DA # (INDISTINCT CHATTER) MARVELLOUS SALAD. MARVELLOUS! MAY I HAVE A BIT MORE, PLEASE? - YES, SIR. - WOMAN: ME, TOO. COUNT ME IN. IT IS DIVINE. EXCUSE ME. TELL SISSIE EVERYTHING SO FAR IS EXCELLENT. OH, SHE'LL BE REAL PLEASED. I'LL HAVE A LITTLE MORE OF THAT-- FRACTION MORE OF THAT WONDERFUL SALAD. YES, MA'AM. IS IT READY? - NEEDS A LITTLE MORE OREGANO. - I PUT A WHOLE LOT IN ALREADY. JUST A TOUCH MORE. WHERE'D YOU GET THIS? THIS ISN'T MY OREGANO. OUT YOUR BAG. THAT'S NOT MY BAG. THAT'S THE WAITER'S BAG. FOUR MORE SALADS FOR FOUR VERY HUNGRY PEOPLE, WHO ARE VERY WEIRD-- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? HARRY, WHAT IS THIS? THAT'S PERSONAL. WHAT IS IT? AHEM. THAT AIN'T OREGANO. OH, MY GOD. - YOU PUT THIS IN THE VEAL? - AND THE SOUP. - NO! - AND THE SALAD. LORD HAVE MERCY. GRASS! MY GRASS. YOU'VE COOKED HALF MY STASH! HI. HELLO. EXCUSE ME, DEAR. MAY I TALK WITH YOU FOR JUST ONE MINUTE. UP YOUR KAZOO! HA HA! OH, MY! WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE. I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A PEST. I KNOW THAT YOU'RE AN ACTRESS. WHO ARE YOU? MY NAME IS SKIP DONAHUE. I'M A PLAYWRIGHT. AND I SAW YOU DO A SCENE FROM "ROMEO AND JULIET" AT THE WILSON WORKSHOP. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE WONDERFUL. I'M NOT JUST SAYING IT TO BE KIND. YOU WERE REALLY LOVELY. IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF MY WAY, I'M GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE NUTS. HA! KICK IN THE NUTS? YOU'RE FANTASTIC! I MEAN, THE WAY YOU CAN SWITCH CHARACTERS LIKE THAT. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS AND YOUR JULIET IS FABULOUS. BY THE WAY, DEAR, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANYTHING UNDERNEATH THAT COAT. WHAT?! I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU'RE A SHOPLIFTER, PART-TIME. WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF A LOONEY TUNE? NO. I'M THE STORE DETECTIVE HERE, PART-TIME. OH! OH, SHE'S SOMETHING. MRS. R.H. WAS MY BEST CUSTOMER, TOO. YEAH? WELL, I WAS JAMES' BEST CUSTOMER. THAT'S THE GUY WHO SOLD ME THIS AFRICAN GANJE '65! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME? MY GIRLFRIEND CAROLINE, JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT OF THIS NOT ONLY WAS GONNA LET ME HAVE HER MIND AND HER BODY, BUT TWO OF HER GIRLFRIENDS. OH, SHE'LL RUIN ME WHEN SHE FINDS OUT. - I'M FINISHED. - WELL, MAYBE SHE'LL THINK IT'S THE WINE. THINK IT'S THE WINE? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THERE'S NO WINE IN THE WORLD THAT-- SMELL THAT. HUH? THIS IS '65 AFRICAN GANJE FROM THE MOTHERLAND! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S BEEN SOAKED IN THE EARTH BACK HOME! THIS IS MEAN! ONE JOINT OF THIS PUT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TO SLEEP BACK IN '65. DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A REVOLUTION IN '65. WE WENT TO SLEEP AND MISSED IT BECAUSE OF THIS. THIS IS MEAN, THIS IS BAD, AND YOU DONE JUST SPREAD IT OVER EVERYTHING. I HOPE YOU HAD FUN BECAUSE I AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO FUN! I SAW YOU TRY ON THAT DRESS AND PRETEND TO STEAL IT, AND YOU EVEN MANAGED TO LOOK GUILTY, WHICH WAS TERRIFIC BECAUSE YOU ARE A WONDERFUL ACTRESS, BUT WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW IS I ALSO SAW YOU SLIP INTO THE JUNIOR MISS DEPARTMENT, TAKE OFF THE DRESS, AND THEN THROW IT IN THE TRASH BIN. LET ME GET THIS RIGHT. HA! YOU KILL ME. YOU THINK THAT I WAS A TERRIFIC JULIET. - YOU WERE. - OH, THANKS. - AND YOU THINK THAT I STOLE A DRESS AND THREW IT AWAY! - RIGHT. AND YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE ANYTHING ON UNDER THIS COAT? - I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T. HA HA! - OH! (CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) MORE WINE, SIR? WHAT IS THIS STUFF? IT'S DOMESTIC '65. HOT, ISN'T IT? WAS THAT A GOOD YEAR? YES, MA'AM. BEST EVER. IT'S A BITCH. WHAT DID YOU SAY? I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING, MA'AM. OH. OH. I--I'M FEELING SOMETHING VERY STRANGE. - THAT'S MY LEG. - HMM? - MMM. OH! IT'S ALL RIGHT. HIT HIM AGAIN, HARRY. UH, YES, MA'AM. HITTING YOU AGAIN, FATHER. I'VE--I'VE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE. I'M--I'M-- - HORNY? - MM-HMM. YES? YOU KNOW, WHICH REMINDS ME. YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK SOMEONE LIKE YOU. - DO YOU GET MUCH? - NOT TOO OFTEN. JUST THE OCCASIONAL GLASS AT DINNER. OH. THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT. # YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE # # YOU CAN LOOK, BUT YOU CAN'T TOUCH # # EAT YOUR HEART OUT # # YOU LOW DOWN SUCH AND SUCH # # THEY'RE A DOUBLE FEATURE # # SO GO ON DOWN # # YOU CAN EAT YOUR HEART OUT # # SHE'S BOSS, BUT SHE'S OFF THE MENU # # SHE'S NOT YOURS # # TO HAVE OR EVEN HOLD # # YOU'RE LOST # # YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT, CAN YOU? # # SHE'S BAD # # BUT HER LOVE'S AS GOOD AS GOLD # - OH, HARRY. - YES, YES. THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN MY LIFE JUST HAPPENED TO ME. OOH, ME, TOO. # HER HEART IS TAKEN... # SHE'S BAD, AIN'T SHE? HARRY, I GOT--I GOT FIRED TODAY. I GOT FIRED, TOO. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB. YOU GOT FIRED TODAY? - MM-HMM. - THIS AFTERNOON? YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP. BETWEEN 3:30 AND 4:00? - YEAH, ABOUT THAT. - OH! WHAT HAPPEN? I WIN A BIG PRIZE? HARRY, THIS IS FANTASTIC! YEAH. ANY DEATHS IN THE FAMILY? WE CAN CELEBRATE THEM, TOO. DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? SKIP, SKIP! - HIYA, NANCY. - NANCY! - HOW YOU DOING? - HOW YOU DOING, NANCY? HEY, NANCY! I'M SITTING BACK THERE IF YOU'RE INTERESTED. - OK. OK. - HARRY, HARRY. YOU DON'T INTRODUCE ME TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, MAN? - SHE'S NOT FOR YOU. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S NOT FOR ME? HARRY, NANCY IS A FASCINATING GIRL. SHE MAY BE THE SINGLE HOTTEST GIRL ON THE EAST SIDE. BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, YOU'LL FIND THAT SHE'S NOT A VERY SERIOUS PERSON. NEITHER AM I. HARRY, LISTEN TO ME. - FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR LIVES, WE'RE FREE. - YEAH, WE'RE FREE! FREE TO WALK OUT IN THE COLD! FREE TO BE RIDICULED! FREE TO STARVE TO DEATH! NO! I DON'T MEAN THAT! I MEAN, WE'RE FREE TO GET OUT OF THIS CITY! IT'S DRIVING ME BUGGY! HEY, HEY. HEY, MISTER! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, MAN? I GAVE YOU A $10 BILL. WHAT, DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? IT'S $8.50 ON THE CLOCK, OK? YOU GAVE ME A BUCK, NOT $10! I GAVE YOU $10. HEY, MAN. WHY YOU TRYING TO STEAL FROM ME, HUH? HEY, GET LOST, CHICO! YOU SEE WHAT THIS CITY DOES TO PEOPLE? THEY NEED ROOM TO BREATHE. THEY NEED A LITTLE LOVE, THEY NEED AFFECTION. THE LITTLE GUY NEEDS HIS MONEY. AND THE BIG GUY NEEDS A 2X4 UPSIDE HIS HEAD. THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS. ALL THOSE TWO FELLAS NEED IS SOMEONE TO TALK TO THEM GENTLY WITH COMPASSION. THAT'S ALL THAT THEY NEED. ARE YOU SERIOUS, HUH? YOU KNOW THAT I'M SERIOUS! THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. THAT'S WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT THIS CITY! YOU'RE A SAINT, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. OH, HARRY, WHY ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME? I'M SERIOUS. YOU ARE A SAINT. YOU OUGHT TO GO OVER TO THOSE FELLAS-- BECAUSE THEY'RE GENTLEMEN. THEY'RE GONNA UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE YOU CONVINCED ME, OK? JUST GO ON OVER THERE. YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU TOLD ME. GO ON OVER THERE. SKIP, WHAT ARE YOU-- SKIP. SKIP, DON'T GO OVER THERE, MAN. SKIP. OH, HI, DONNA. OH! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? NO... CALL ME. EXCUSE ME. HOLD ON. HOLD ON ONE SECOND, FELLAS. NOW LISTEN TO ME. I KNOW THAT THIS IS A DELICATE SITUATION, BUT LET'S TALK A LITTLE SENSE. YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO HURT THIS MAN, DO YOU? OH, NO. NO, NOT AT ALL. WELL, DO YOU WANT MORE THAN WHAT'S COMING TO YOU? NO. THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, THEN WE'RE HALFWAY HOME. NOW--NOW CAN'T WE WORK THIS OUT IN A CIVILIZED MANNER? IT'S OK WITH ME. BY THE WAY, SIR, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? AAA... ALEX. AND YOU, SIR? MY NAME IS CHICO. CHICO. SI. - ALEX, MAY I - PRESENT CHICO? CHICO, THIS IS ALEX. - HOW DO YOU DO? - OOH, OOH! OOH! WALLET... - WALLET... - OK. OK. OOO...OOO... OOO... HEY, THANKS. HEY. DOES THIS INCLUDE THE TIP? YES. YES. AND KEEP THE OTHER DOLLAR, OK? THANKS, MAN. THANKS A LOT. I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU ALONE NOW BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO HAVE A NICE LITTLE FRIENDSHIP STARTING HERE. - OK. - OK? HAVE A NICE EVENING. THANK YOU. SO LONG, FELLAS. SO LONG. OK. TAKE CARE. OH. WHAT? OH! OH! NO, NO. OH, OH. OH! OH! WELL? WHAT IF YOU GOT HURT, HUH? DID YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? DO YOU SEE WHAT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED IF YOU CAN GET PEOPLE TO MAKE CONTACT, REAL CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER? THE MAN, THE LITTLE MAN THERE, HE HAD CONTACT. I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOMETHING YOU SAID BECAUSE HE GOT HIS POINT ACROSS. HARRY, I DON'T LIKE IT HERE ANYMORE. I WANT TO GET OUT. LET'S GO--LET'S GO WHERE THERE'S SOME SUNSHINE, WHERE THERE'S HUMAN FEELINGS BETWEEN PEOPLE, WHERE THERE'S A LITTLE TENDERNESS AND KINDNESS, WHERE THE NOISE LEVEL IS NOT SO LOUD. YOU WANT TO LEAVE NEW YORK, BROADWAY? YOU LOVE NEW YORK AND BROADWAY? I GOT A CALL-BACK ON A NEIL SIMON PLAY. I'M AN ACTOR, AND I'M GOING TO STAY IN NEW YORK. THAT'S RIGHT. HARRY, YOU MADE $35 LAST YEAR AS AN ACTOR. SHUT UP. HOW MUCH YOU MAKE AS A PLAYWRIGHT? I MADE NOTHING AS A PLAYWRIGHT! THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE! LET'S GO SOMEPLACE. WE CAN JUST HEAD OUT WEST. WE COULD GRAB ODD JOBS ALONG THE WAY, BUILD UP A--A WONDERFUL LITTLE NEST EGG, AND THEN HEAD FOR HOLLYWOOD. THAT'S THE PLACE FOR YOU AND ME. PICTURE IT, HARRY. HARRY AND SKIP IN THE SUNBELT. OUT THERE IN THE SUNBELT, YOU JUST SMILE, AND THEY POUR MONEY ON YOU. AND THE WOMEN... OH, GOD, THE WOMEN. NATURAL, ROBUST, OPEN, CAREFREE, UNINHIBITED, HEALTHY! - TALK SOME MORE. - OK. YOU CAN TALK MORE. OK. JUST PICTURE THIS. YOU AND ME AND TWO GIRLS ROMPING THROUGH THE DESERT, SPLASHING INTO THE OCEAN, AND THE MOONLIGHT IS OUT, AND WE JUST CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THEIR BODIES WHEN THE MOONLIGHT HITS THEIR BREASTS, AND WE WATCH THOSE BREASTS JUST BOUNCE GENTLY TO AND FRO. IN THE SAND? AFTER THE WATER, WE GO ON THE SAND, BUT WE'LL HAVE A BLANKET THERE. YOU'RE SERIOUS. YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M SERIOUS!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU. LET'S GO! OK! CALIFORNIA, HERE I COME! HARRY, WHAT'S THE MATTER? UH-OH. UH-OH. - $150! - 150 BUCKS?! THAT'S GONNA PUT A HELL OF A DENT IN OUR BANKROLL, MAN. OH, DON'T WORRY. JOBS SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO FIND AROUND HERE. I THINK THIS IS A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH, THOUGH. HARRY, I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS TOWN. I REALLY DO. I THINK THIS IS GONNA BE OUR LUCKY TOWN. EXCUSE ME. GIVE ME THE FIVE BACK, PLEASE. MERRY CHRISTMAS. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) NOW HOW'D YOU DO ON THE JOB FRONT? I DIDN'T DO SO GOOD. I DREW A BLANK, MAN. OH. WELL, I HAVE ONE POSSIBILITY. IT'S NOTHING IDEAL, BUT IT'S A START. HARRY, I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU. I LOVE THIS PLACE! I'M THRILLED HERE, HARRY! I'M TELLING YOU I AM--I'M THRILLED. I'M THRILLED FOR YOU. YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THE ATMOSPHERE HERE. KNOW WHAT THIS IS GONNA DO FOR MY WRITING? HARRY... SEE THOSE TWO GUYS? YOU CAN SEE THE HISTORY OF THE SUNBELT WRITTEN ACROSS THEIR FACES. THOSE GUYS WILL BRING A HAT TO YOU, MAN. OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. HARRY, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A MINUTE? I'D LOVE TO TALK WITH THOSE FELLAS. I WANT TO TRY AND CAPTURE SOME OF THEIR RHYTHMS. SKIP, IT WON'T TAKE YOU LONG TO DO THAT. I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. SKIP! HI. HI YA, FELLAS. HELLO. HI. HOW ARE YOU? I'M SKIP DONAHUE. I'M FROM BACK EAST. UM, ME AND MY BUDDY JUST ROLLED--"ME AND MY BUDDY"-- MY BUDDY AND I JUST ROLLED INTO TOWN, AND WE WERE WONDERING WHAT IS THE JOB SITUATION LIKE AROUND HERE? OH, WOW. THAT SURPRISED ME. MIND IF I TRY IT? OK. WOMAN: # COWBOYS ARE CRAZY # # THEY'RE RIDING THE RANGE # # THAT'S JUST THE WAY THEY'RE DESIGNED # # THEY'RE ALWAYS TOGETHER # # AND TALK COWBOY TALK # HEY, YO! SKIP! HOO HOO HOO! EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN. I JUST WANT TO SPEAK TO MY FRIEND. MAN. SPEAK ABOUT WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW SOCIALIZING CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH WITH THESE PEOPLE? THOSE ARE NICE GUYS. YEAH, THEY'RE NICE GUYS WHEN THEY TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF. TELL ME ABOUT THE JOB OPPORTUNITY. IT'S IN BANKING. I DON'T KNOW A DARN THING ABOUT BANKING. WE DON'T HAVE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BANKING. I'VE SOLD THE MANAGER ON A NEW PROMOTION IDEA. # OH, YOU'LL SAVE MONEY, KNOCK ON WOOD # # WHEN YOU DO WHAT A GOOD WOODPECKER SHOULD # # SAVE FOR A HORSE OR A BRAND-NEW RANCH # # WHEN YOU FLOCK TO THE GLENBORO SAVINGS BRANCH # # YOU CAN FEATHER YOUR NEST WITH FRILLS # # FILL YOUR GARAGE WITH COUPE DE VILLES # # JUST RELAX # # IF YOU HAVE A BIG BILL # ARE YOU REALLY A WOODPECKER? NO, HONEY. I'M JUST A MAN PRETENDING TO BE A WOODPECKER. THAT'S A REAL WOODPECKER. (LAUGHTER) # WHAT YOU CAN DO # # BE A SMART BIRD, TOO # # YOU LITTLE PECKER YOU # # DI YA DADA # YOU GOT TO ADMIT. (SPITS) FOR AN INTERIM GIG, THIS REALLY WASN'T BAD. # OH, YOU'LL SAVE MONEY, KNOCK ON WOOD # # YOU'LL SAVE MONEY, KNOCK ON WOOD # # WHEN YOU DO WHAT A GOOD WOODPECKER SHOULD # # SAVE FOR A HORSE OR A BRAND-NEW RANCH # # WHEN YOU FLOCK TO THE GLENBORO SAVINGS BRANCH # AAH! GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (CHILD CRYING) ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY STAY WHERE THEY ARE, AND NOBODY GETS HURT! (TYRES SQUEALING) (SIRENS) - LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE. - I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED. - LET'S NOT FIND OUT, OK? - HARRY, IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING IMPORTANT. SKIP. SKIP. (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) WOULD YOU MIND STEPPING DOWNTOWN WITH US AND LOOKING AT SOME MUG SHOTS? MAYBE YOU CAN IDENTIFY THOSE GUYS. THERE THEY ARE! THE NEW YORKERS! - IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO HELP? IS THAT YOUR VAN? - HARRY: WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG? NO, SIR! - YES, SIR. WERE WE PARKED ILLEGALLY? - NO. DOESN'T LOOK FAMILIAR. - I SWEAR IT DOESN'T. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SAY, MAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU FRISKING ME? THIS IS MY FIRST FRISK. HEY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - LISTEN, OFFICER. * ROMPING THROUGH THE DESERT, ALL RIGHT, HUH? BUT I DON'T SEE NO NAKED WOMEN. I SHOULD HAVE MY HEAD OVERHAULED FOR LISTENING TO YOU. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS RIGHT. COW SHIT FOR BRAINS. - ME? - NO. ME! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M GETTING BAD. YOU BETTER GET BAD, JACK, BECAUSE IF YOU AIN'T BAD, YOU GONNA GET FUCKED. - YOU BAD, THEY DON'T MESS WITH YOU. - HEH HEH. YEAH. - HEY, HOMES. GET DOWN. - HEY. YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO BAD, AIN'T YOU? YEAH! DO SOME OF THESE. RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON. HEY! THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT, WE BAD. UH-HUH. HA HA. THAT'S RIGHT. WE DON'T WANT NO SHIT EITHER. - THAT'S RIGHT. - DARN RIGHT. WE DON'T WANT NO SHIT. YOU UNDERSTAND? UH, WE DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH SHIT. WE TAKE A LITTLE BIT. - WE DON'T TAKE A BUNCH OF SHIT. - DAMN RIGHT. - THAT'S RIGHT. SAY NO SHIT. - NO SHIT! THAT'S RIGHT. NO SHIT. NO. HEY. DON'T TRY IT EITHER. WE DON'T TAKE NO SHIT. NO SHIT. NO, SHIT-FREE. (GRUNTS) YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BABY. HEY YA! OH AY SA! OH AHHH! WAH! CHA WAH! WAN YA! OHHH! EEEE YA! EEEE YA! OYAS HA! HEY YA! HAAA AAAH! WAH! HAAA! HAAA AAAH! (CLAP CLAP) WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH HIM? OH, SHIT. SKIP, SKIP, COME ON, MAN. COME ON, SKIP. SKIP, WHAT-- COME ON. SKIP. OH, HO. CARRY ME BACK TO OLD VIRGINNY. LORD. DID YOU GET IT? OH. THERE IT IS. RIGHT ON THE END OF YOUR NOSE. OH OH OH OH! SINSEMILLA. (HARRY SOBBING) THEY'RE GETTING CLOSE. GIVE ME A LIGHT. HE WANTS A LIGHT. RIGHT ON. THE MAN WANTS A LIGHT. A LIGHT. NO. WHY? OH! IT--IT DOESN'T-- IT DOESN'T. OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT. SKIP: HEY. SHORT-ASS SONOFABITCH, AIN'T YOU? I'M...I'M A SHORT SONOFABITCH. MY FATHER WAS A SHORT SONOFABITCH TOO. MY MOTHER WAS SHORTER THAN HIM, AND MY BROTHER WAS REAL SHORT, AND WE COULDN'T EVEN SEE HIM. HE WAS SO... - WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE? - INNOCENT. - AIN'T WE ALL? - BANK ROBBERY. OH, SHIT. OH SHIT. YOU CAN KISS THE BABY. KISS THE BABY? - WHAT BABY IS THAT, SIR? - ASK YOUR LAWYER. KISS THE BABY? - HI. - HI. I'M SLOWPOKE. HI, SLOWPOKE. THIS IS HARRY. THIS STATE GIVES THE LONGEST SENTENCE IN THE COUNTRY FOR EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY FOR BANK ROBBING, BUT IT'S MISLEADING, SO DON'T WET YOUR PANTS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BECAUSE THEY ALSO HAVE THE MOST LIBERAL GOOD-TIME PROGRAM IN THE COUNTRY, TOO, SO IF THE BOTTOM SHOULD HAPPEN TO DROP OUT FROM UNDER YOU TWO INNOCENT BADASSES, WELL, THAT'S ONE BRIGHT SPOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) - OK. - OHH. OK. WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DID HE SAY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? I DON'T KNOW A WORD HE SAID. HE SAID IF THE BOTTOM FELL OUT. "THIS FILTHY, ROACH-RIDDEN REALITY IS INSPIRING"... (TOILET FLUSHES) WHAT'D THE SECOND POLICEMAN SAY TO YOU WHEN HE GRABBED YOU BY THE THROAT? MAN, I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU. 'MAN, I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU.' FABULOUS. YOU DON'T GET IT, SKIP, DO YOU? HUH? YOU THINK THIS IS THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO OR SOMETHING, MAN? WE'RE IN TROUBLE. THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. WE'RE IN DEEP SHIT. HARRY, YOU AND I ARE INNOCENT. YOU KNOW THAT, I KNOW THAT, AND SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE, THE TWO GUYS WHO REALLY PULLED THAT BANK JOB KNOW IT, TOO. - BUT THE COPS DON'T KNOW IT! - SHH. MAN: DONAHUE, MONROE. I AM ENTITLED TO A PRIVATE INTERVIEW! FORGET IT. - HELLO, SIR. ARE YOU HERE FOR US? - UH, I BELIEVE SO. I'M SKIP DONAHUE. THIS IS MY BUDDY HARRY MONROE. HARRY, YES. I'M LEN GARBER, YOUR COURT-APPOINTED LAWYER. WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS TO SEE YOU. OH, DO ME A FAVOUR, SIR. I NEED YOU TO CALL THIS NUMBER FOR ME. IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND CINDY. SHE DON'T KNOW I'M HERE. THEY WON'T LET ME MAKE A PHONE CALL. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM. TELL HER WE'RE AT OUR COUSINS'. - THERE'S BEEN A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING. - A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING. WELL, I--I--AM MORE OR LESS FAMILIAR WITH THE CASE. YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE SO INNOCENT... IS THERE NOT SOME LIGHTNING STROKE YOU CAN USE TO JUST CUT THROUGH ALL THIS GARBAGE? THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE. DO THEY KNOW I HATE CONFINEMENT? THEY DON'T CARE. LOOK. ALL I CAN DO IS SHOWER THEM WITH MOTIONS AND TRY TO KEEP THE PROSECUTION OFF BALANCE. I'VE ALREADY FILED TWO. - TWO? YOU'VE ONLY FILED TWO MOTIONS? - HOW ABOUT A DOZEN ON ME? LOOK. THE TRUTH IS WE'RE DEALING WITH ARMED ROBBERY AND BODILY ASSAULT. IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SET FIRE TO THE PENTAGON. WILL THE DEFENDANTS RISE? CONSIDERING ALL THE FACTS AND ARGUMENTS PRESENTED BY BOTH COUNSEL, AND AFTER CAREFUL DELIBERATION, I FIND THE DEFENDANTS GUILTY AS CHARGED. DO YOU WISH TO WAIVE THE RIGHT TO A PRE-SENTENCE HEARING? - NO. - YES, YOUR HONOUR. TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THE SEVERE AND RUTHLESS NATURE OF THIS CRIME AND THE BLEAK PROSPECTS FOR YOUR REHABILITATION, I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO 125 YEARS IN THE CUSTODY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS. WHA--WHA--WHA--WHA?! WAIT, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO. SIT, SIT. SIT, SIT. WE DIDN'T DO IT. THERE'S A MISUNDERSTANDING. - THAT'S RIGHT. - WE DIDN'T DO IT. WE DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T. - OUR LAWYER... - I KNOW I DIDN'T. - TOLD US TO COME UP-- - HA HA HA! HE'S JOKING. HE MEANS "WE." WE DIDN'T DO IT. HAVE YOU GOT THE RIGHT CASE? THIS IS MONROE AND DONAHUE. HARRY--HARRY MONROE. HARRY MONROE. LOOK UNDER THERE. LOOK UNDER THAT. BLACK, TALL, BLACK MAN. HOW MUCH DOES THAT MEAN IN ACTUAL TIME? 30 YEARS, TOPS. I'M GOING TO BE A DEAD OLD MAN. I DON'T WANT TO DO 125! I DON'T WANT TO DO ONE. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO 100--I CAN'T. I'M GOING TO KILL THIS MOTHER... WAIT! I'M FIGHTING MAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK OUR NEXT MOVE SHOULD BE? START YOUR SENTENCE. I'LL GET THE APPEAL GOING. 125 YEARS! STOP IT. IT'S ONLY 30 YEARS. OH, GOD. OH, GOD. I'LL BE 161 WHEN I GET OUT. CAN YOU GET YOUR STAFF TO PRESS A LITTLE HARDER AND TRY AND TRACK DOWN THOSE GUYS WHO REALLY PULLED IT OFF? IT'S ONLY A ONE-MAN SHOW, BUT LISTEN, COME TO THINK OF IT, I HAVE A COUSIN VISITING FROM MASSACHUSETTS. SHE'S A TERRIFIC SOCIAL WORKER, BRIGHT AS A PENNY, COULD BE HELPFUL. IN 125 YEARS, I'M GONNA BE BURYING GRANDCHILDREN. THANKS. IT'S CHILLING. IT'S FRIGHTENINGLY REAL. IT'S ALMOST SURREALISTIC, COOL-- WILL YOU SHUT UP, MAN? AT LEAST TILL WE GET OUT OF THIS MESS YOU GOT US INTO THIS! LET'S GO, AND NO SLOW BUCKING. SIR? HOW COME-- SHUT UP AND MOVE OUT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS. THIS IS FROM THE MIDDLE AGES. HOW DO THEY EXPECT YOU TO MOVE ANYWHERE? I'LL BET YOU THIS IS ILLEGAL, TOO. EXCUSE ME, SIR. WASN'T THIS WHOLE CONTRAPT-- KEEP MOVING, TURKEY! GET UP. GET UP. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY, FELLA. I WAS RIGHT. THIS IS ILLEGAL, AND HE KNOWS IT, TOO. JESUS! THE MAN AIN'T NEVER LEARN! WELL, MAYBE AFTER THEY WHUP HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD A FEW TIMES. JUST GET INTO FLOW OF IT. I'M TRYING TO GET IN THE FLOW OF IT. DON'T FIGHT THEM, DON'T FIGHT THEM, MAN. I'M NOT FIGHTING. IT'S FIGHTING ME. WHAT YOU UP FOR, SWEET PANTS? WE'RE INNOCENT, MAN. I SWEAR WE ARE! MY NAME AIN'T NO SWEET PANTS. - OH. - HOLY SHIT. I THINK I HAVE THE SWING OF IT NOW. THIS IS MUCH BETTER. THANKS. SURE. MY NAME IS SKIP DONAHUE. JESUS RAMIREZ. NICE TO MEET YOU. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, JESUS? I'VE BEEN HERE SEVEN YEARS. SEVEN YEARS AWAY FROM MY BEAUTIFUL TERESA. TODAY, I WAS IN COURT ON APPEAL HEARING. LOST AGAIN. THEY ACCUSED ME OF ROBBING SEVERAL BANKS. NO WAY! I WAS DRUNK AND ALL, BUT I'M POSITIVE I ONLY ROBBED ONE. WHAT ABOUT YOU? OH, MY FRIEND AND I WERE THIS SONG-AND-DANCE ACT. MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY BAD, HUH? VOICEOVER: Allergies can hold you back. Break through hayfever allergies with Telfast 5-in-1 multi-benefit relief. It works fast, relief last 24 hours and it's non-drowsy. Break through hayfever allergies with Telfast. * EXCUSE ME, MAJOR. I'M JUST NOT VERY GOOD AT THESE WRITTEN TESTS. I THINK YOU'D GET MUCH MORE OF MY ORIGINAL FLAVOUR IN ORAL EXP-- YOU KNOW, I'M JUST ABOUT TO LOSE MY PATIENCE WITH YOU! I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN-- KEEP FIGHTING. TWO PEARS, THREE APPLES... ALL RIGHT. NOW LISTEN TO ME! A KID TRIED THAT STUFF WITH ME ONCE AT CAMP MINNEKANI IN VERMONT, AND I HIT HIM SO HARD THAT HIS BRACES RIPPED THE WHOLE UPPER PART OF HIS LIP. HIS MOTHER HAD TO COME AND GET HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON! (INDISTINCT CHATTER, SHOUTING) WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY PUT IN THOSE LITTLE DOLLHOUSES? WHAT DO YOU THINK? - US? - YES! YOU GOT IT ON THE FIRST TRY. - HARRY... - WHAT? WE'RE IN PRISON. GODDAMN, MAN, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, AND NOT A MINUTE TOO SOON, I MIGHT ADD. NOW BRACE UP, BE STRONG. (DOOR CRASHES) - HARRY. - WHAT? I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO MAKE IT. HANG ON, MAN. DON'T MESS UP. JUST THINK ABOUT OUR APPEAL. SKIP, PLEASE. EXCUSE ME, SIR. COULD I PLEASE-- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. I'M NOT A TROUBLEMAKER. OOH! (HUMMING) (SPITS) SKIP! SKIP! OK. NO MORE HITTING. DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? - NO MORE HITTING! - SKIP! ALL RIGHT, TURN AROUND. YOU WANT TO STAY LATE TONIGHT? I SAID TURN AROUND! OK. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! COME ON, SILVER! - SKIP! - HARRY, I'M FREAKING. GIDDYAP! SO LONG, SUCKERS! HARRY, HE THINKS HE'S A HORSE. HELP ME! HARRY! DON'T HIT HIM. DON'T HIT HIM. PLEASE. HE'S SICK. HE'S HAVING A FIT. SEE, HE DON'T HAVE HIS FIT PILLS. WHERE'S YOUR PILLS? THIS GUY WAS-- VIETNAM. PLEASE, MAN. DON'T HIT HIM. HARRY, HELP ME, HARRY! OH, SKIP! - SKIP! - HAR! SKIP! HAR! SKIP! SKIP! (GROANING) OOH! SKIP! IT'S OK. IT'S OK. YOU DID IT. YOU DID IT. - HE'S OK NOW. - I'M OK. I'M OK NOW. IT'S OUT OF MY SYSTEM. - YOU OK? - YEAH. I'M 100%. PLEASE, OK? PLEASE. JUST THIS ONCE. I MEAN, IT'S OK. LIEUTENANT, IT'S OK. OK. HE'S OK, SEE? YEAH. YEAH, WE'RE OK. - YOU'RE OK? - YEAH. - HE'S OK. - I'M TIP-TOP. AAH! HARRY? HARRY, FOR GOD'S SAKES. YOU'RE GOING TO GET US IN TROUBLE. HARRY, IT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN'T TAKE IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT! HERE. COME HERE. HERE, HARRY. MAMA! TAKE YOUR PILL. TAKE YOUR PILL. THERE WE ARE. THREE SECONDS, YOU'LL SEE. IT'S OVER. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003. FINISHED! FINISHED! WHAT DID I TELL YOU? HUP, TWO! LET'S GO! BACK IN LINE. HERE WE GO. THANKS VERY MUCH. OK. HERE WE GO. WHAT'S NEXT? THIS WAY. GREAT! HEY! - YEAH? - I'D LIKE SOME SPARERIBS, SOME FRENCH FRIES, AND A BIG OLD JUICY CHEESEBURGER ON THE SIDE WITH A CHOCOLATE MALT. THANKS. I COULD GET YOU SOME OF THOSE THINGS, ESPECIALLY THE CHEESEBURGER. I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET ME NO CHEESEBURGER, MAN. I'LL WASH YOUR SOCKS. I DON'T WANT YOU WASHING MY SOCKS. YOU LEAVE MY SOCKS ALONE, MAN! STAY OUT OF MY FACE! THESE ARE DELICIOUS. AREN'T YOU AMAZED AT THE QUALITY OF THESE VEGETABLES IN A PRISON? I'M AMAZED AT WHAT'S CRAWLING AROUND IN OUR SOUP. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - LITTLE CREATURES. - WHERE? - THERE. (GRUNTS) WHAT'S THE STORY WITH HIM? WHY DOES HE GET A SEPARATE TABLE? THAT'S GROSSBERGER, THE BIGGEST MASS MURDERER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SOUTHWEST. MY DEAR, HE KILLED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND ALL HIS RELATIVES IN ONE WEEKEND, AND THEN HE KILLED SOME MORE PEOPLE THAT REMINDED HIM OF HIS FAMILY. IS HE HERE FOR REHABILITATION? HE THREW THE CHAPLAIN THROUGH A WALL OVER AT THE LIBRARY. BURNED THE FURNITURE FACTORY TO THE GROUND, BUT HE HASN'T KILLED ANYONE HERE YET. I WOULDN'T SIT WITH HIM, AND I KILLED MY STEPDADDY. I WONDER WHAT TRIGGERED ALL THAT VIOLENCE? HE SEEMS SO GENTLE. AH! I SEE WHAT IT IS. NOBODY HAS EVER JUST SAT DOWN AND HONESTLY TALKED WITH THAT MAN. POOR KID. SKIP, THE MAN IS NOT READY FOR AN INTERVIEW! (GROWLING) HELLO. AAH! I'LL WAIT TILL AFTER HE'S HAD A NAP. DO YOU MIND? WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU KILL YOUR STEPFATHER ANYWAY, HUH? FOR CRITICIZING MY NEW FUR JACKET AND SLAPPING MY HAND. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) GET HIS SHOULDER DOWN, GET HIS SHOULDER DOWN! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH HIM, JACK? - HOW LATE WAS IT? - A WEEK. YOU SNORT UP ALL THAT NICE BLOW, AND THEN YOU FORGET ABOUT PAYING? TEACH HIM TO BE PUNCTUAL. - WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? - THAT'S JACK GRAHAM. YOU DON'T MESS WITH HIM, MAN. HE'S ONE MEAN HOMBRE. YOU MEAN A GUARD CAN JUST YANK YOU OUT LIKE THAT? HE'S NO GUARD, AMIGO. HE'S AN INMATE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME, ONLY HE RUNS THE CELL BLOCK. DOPE, WHISKEY, EVEN A WOMAN. HE CAN GET YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT, AND HE CAN GET YOU KILLED. WELL, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM. THAT'S BLADE. HE RUNS THE THIRD-WORLD SIDE OF CELL BLOCK TWO. MY DEAR, TILL GROSSBERGER CAME ALONG, HE HELD THE AXE-MURDER RECORD IN THE SOUTHWEST. IT'S TOUGH TO STAY AT THE TOP. HE'S THE ONE I'M GONNA GET YOU THE CHEESEBURGER FROM. HOW YOU LIKE IT? MEDIUM? OH, NO. I DON'T WANT NO CHEESEBURGER. I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY WEIGHT DOWN. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM. I'LL PROTECT YOU. - I'M GETTING A LITTLE PUDGY. - I'LL PROTECT YOU. FOR SOME REASON, I MAKE HIM UNEASY. I WONDER WHY. HI. I'M GOING. SKIP, MY FRIEND. EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU? - I'LL COME WITH YOU. - OH, SHIT. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS. DID YOU SLEEP ANY BETTER LAST NIGHT? NO. GOT A COUPLE WINKS BETWEEN NIGHTMARES. THE WALLS KEEP CLOSING IN ON ME. I KNOW IT. I'VE GOT IT DOWN ON THE LIST. ROOMIER CELLS, A SOAP DISH, TOILET SEATS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OHH! UGH! WHOO! OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. PUT THAT ON YOUR LIST! I'M GOING TO. UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE. YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID TO THAT GUY? OK, YOU TWO, INSIDE. INMATES, UH, 65984 AND, UH, 65985. THE NEW YORKERS. HOW DO YOU DO, SIR? VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. HARRY AND I WOULD LIKE TO TOUCH-- I THINK I CAN SPEAK FOR HARRY. - NO. - HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HARRY'S A LITTLE NERVOUS, AND I AM A LITTLE BIT, TOO, BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY DIFFERENT WAY OF LIFE FROM ANYTHING THAT WE ARE USED TO, BUT WE WOULD LIKE TO TOUCH BASE WITH YOU ON OR TWO IDEAS THAT WE THINK WOULD MAKE LIFE A LOT EASIER FOR ALL OF US. DO WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS? DID I-- I'M SORRY. WERE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING? NO, NO. MR. WILSON JUST DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME NEED TO BE HOSPITABLE TO OUR OUT OF TOWN GUESTS AS I DO. - GET ON THE BULL. - GET ON THE BALL? GET ON THE BULL! OH! IS THAT WHAT THAT IS? I DIDN'T KNOW. OH. IS THAT A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY? I WAS HOPING FOR VOLLEYBALL OR TENNIS. WE HAVE AN ANNUAL PRISON RODEO. WE'RE AWFULLY PROUD OF IT, AND WE LIKE TO RUN YOU NEW FELLOWS THROUGH THIS LITTLE TEST ONCE YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FOR 3 MONTHS JUST TO SEE IF YOU HAVE ANY APTITUDE FOR IT. SURE. FINE WITH ME. MAKE SURE WE HAVEN'T OVERLOOKED SOME BIG RODEO STAR. YOU WON'T BE NEEDING ME, RIGHT? - YOU WANT TO SHUT UP? - OK. OK. LET HER RIP. YOU'RE ON BACKWARDS. OH. OK! OVER THE RIGGING. HA HA HA! BACKWARDS! I THOUGHT YOU MEANT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I WAS LOOKING FOR THE HORNS TO COME OUT. OK. - READY, MR. WILSON? - READY. PROCEED. HARRY! YOU GOT TO TRY THIS! IT'S FUN! IT'S LIKE THE MERRY-GO-ROUND AT CONEY ISLAND. TRY TWO LEVEL. WHOA! WHERE'S THE PART WHERE I GO "HEE-YA"? GO TO THREE. THIS IS FUN! LOOK, MA, I'M DANCING! YAHOO! RIDE IT, SKIP! (THROWS LEVER) RIDE THAT SONOFABITCH. YAHOOO! HUH? AHH--OOH. OOOH. ALL RIGHT. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I GET OFF NOW? YES, YOU CAN GET OFF NOW. OO-WHEE! YOU TWO FELLAS CAN GO ON BACK TO YOUR CELLS. MR. BARSTOW! WE HAD A NICE LITTLE VISIT, DIDN'T WE, WARDEN? YEAH, WE DID. MR. BARSTOW! WARDEN, HERE ARE SOME OF THOSE IDEAS I WAS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT EARLIER. WHY DON'T YOU CHEW ON THESE FOR A FEW DAYS, AND WHEN YOU'RE READY, GIVE ME A CALL, AND WE'LL GO OVER THEM ONE AT A TIME. GET RID OF THEM. MAYBE WE COULD MEET FOR LUNCH. HA HA HA! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW. WELL, THE DAMN MACHINE'S MALFUNCTIONING. THE MACHINE'S FINE, WILSON. MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GET UP ON IT AND TRY FOR A SIX. LUCK WAS ALL IT WAS. THAT BOY'S A BORN COWBOY. FROM NEW YORK? I DON'T CARE IF HE'S FROM TASMANIA! NO INMATE EVER TOOK DOUBLE-AUGHT TO SIX LEVEL BEFORE. YOUR BIG RODEO STAR GRAHAM BORN WITH COW SHIT IN HIS EARS, NEVER GOT IT PAST A FOUR. WELL, NOW GRAHAM'S HAD A LOT OF INJURIES. AND I'VE HAD 10 YEARS OF HUMILIATION! I AIN'T EVEN GONNA TALK ABOUT THE MONEY TROUBLE I'M IN FROM LOSING TO WARDEN SAMPSON AND HIS DOREN PRISON GORILLAS BECAUSE OF HIM! IF THAT EASTERN KID'S FOR REAL, HE'S GOING TO RIDE FOR GLENBORO PRISON IN THE NEXT RODEO, AND WE'RE GONNA WHIP SAMPSON'S BOYS AND WIN THAT GODDAMN PRIZE! NOW GET THAT KID BACK HERE IN AN HOUR. I WANT TO TEST HIM OUT ON DOUBLE-AUGHT AGAIN. Everyone loves oven-fresh pizza. That's why we created Domino's Notify Me. It makes pick-ups easy by telling you exactly when your pizza's ready, so it's hot and fresh every time. Try it with our Cheaper Everyday $5 Value Range, at Domino's. MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Observing with an eagle eye. Mastering the art of stashing. Oh, brilliant move, Gran! Cadbury Favourites. * - CHECK IT OUT. - YOU CHECK IT OUT WITH HIM. (COUGHS) MY BACK HURTS, FELLAS. I'M GONNA HAVE TO DROP OUT. OW! - OK. - OK. OK, MAN. MY BACK STILL HURTS FROM YESTERDAY. I HURT IT AGAIN. RUB ME A LITTLE BIT-- HARRY, RUB ME A LITTLE BIT RIGHT HERE, WOULD YOU? OW! THAT'S IT. GOOD. THAT'S BETTER. DID YOU TRY THAT THING IN THE WARDEN'S OFFICE, JESUS? - IT'S FUN! - IT IS! JESUS IS THE CHAMPION BULL RIDER FROM THIS PROVINCE, MAN. YOU'RE KIDDING. JESUS, THAT'S WONDERFUL. DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU'RE GONNA RIDE IN THE PRISON RODEO? JESUS SAYS THE RODEO IS BULLSHIT. WHY? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE FROM THIS RODEO? $85,000 TO $100,000. $100,000. AND ALL THAT MONEY IS SUPPOSED GO TO THE PRISONERS, BUT WE DON'T GET SHIT, MAN. WE GET OUR ASS KICKED. THEY GET RICH. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THE PRISONERS DON'T GET ONE PENNY OF THAT MONEY? NO, WELL, I'M EXAGGERATING A LITTLE HERE. TWO YEARS AGO, WE GOT NEW PING-PONG BALLS, FIVE BOXES. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ONE THING THEN, MAN. WHY DO THE GUYS GO TO THE RODEO? OH, MAN. THEY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYBODY BY THREATENING TO DENY THEIR PAROLE. THAT'S HOW THEY GET ALL THE KISS-ASSES. OUTRAGEOUS, MAN. OVER IN TEXAS, THEY RUN AN HONEST RODEO, MAN. MAN, PRISONERS CAN EVEN KEEP THE PRIZE MONEY. THEM WARDENS OVER THERE ARE PRETTY DECENT, NOT LIKE THESE PRICKS. ISN'T THAT FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS? SAY, I HEAR YOU WENT TO A SIX ON DOUBLE-AUGHT, HUH? MY MAN. DID YOU TELL HIM THAT? IT WASN'T SO TOUGH. WELL, IF YOU REALLY DID A SIX, THEY ARE GONNA WANT YOU TO RIDE IN THE TOP-HAND COMPETITION NEXT TIME. SO? DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M NO BROWN-NOSER. HEY. EVERYBODY KNOW THAT, MAN, BUT, UH, DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. WHY DON'T YOU HEAR THE MAN OUT? IF YOU RIDE IN THE TOP-HAND EVENT, THERE'S A STRONG CHANCE WE CAN BUST OUT OF HERE. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HARRY, IS HE TALKING ABOUT A JAIL BREAK? BET YOUR ASS. WHAT ABOUT OUR APPEAL? APPEAL, MY-- ASK JESUS, ASK RORY. TELL HIM ABOUT APPEALS, RORY. SUGAR, THE DAY I MET YOU AND SWEET PANTS HERE WAS MY FIFTH APPEAL HEARING IN SIX YEARS. TURNED ME DOWN FLAT. YOU WANT TO SPEND 30 YEARS IN THIS JOINT, MAN? I COULDN'T TAKE IT. I KNOW YOU CAN'T, MAN. WE GOT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. HELLO, OPERATOR, GET ME WARDEN SAMPSON AT DOREN PRISON, WILL YOU PLEASE? THANK YOU. HELLO, WALLY. HOW'S YOUR TEAM LOOK THIS YEAR? NOT TOO BAD. WE MIGHT EVEN GIVE YOU A RACE THIS YEAR. IS THAT RIGHT? YOU GOT YOURSELF SOME NEW BLOOD? UH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. WELL, SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO PUT REAL MONEY DOWN ON THIS ONE. WELL, I REALIZE THAT $50,000 AIN'T MUCH THESE DAYS, BUT IT MIGHT STIMULATE A LITTLE INTEREST. HENRY, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I'M GOING TO COVER THAT BET. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? YOU GOT TO CONVINCE THE WARDEN THAT YOU WILL NOT RIDE NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. AND I'M TELLING YOU, HE'S GONNA BE SO MAD HE'LL WET HIS PANTS BECAUSE HE ALWAYS MAKES THIS VERY BIG BET WITH THE OTHER WARDEN, BUT YOU GOT TO HOLD OUT NO MATTER WHAT THEY THROW AT YOU TO BREAK YOU DOWN. DON'T GIVE UP. THE LONGER YOU HOLD OUT, THE BETTER CHANCE YOU GOT TO STRIKE A BARGAIN. WHAT KIND OF A BARGAIN? THAT YOU PICK YOUR CREW. THAT'S US. COUNTY STADIUM WHERE THEY HOLD THE PRISON RODEO IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCH TO CRACK. EVEN TOUGHER THAN THIS JOINT WE'RE IN, MAN. SUPPOSED TO BE ESCAPE-PROOF. BUT THERE'S A WEAKNESS. THIS IS FANTASTIC. HARRY, THERE'S A GREAT NOVEL IN THIS. WHICH YOU WON'T WRITE UNTIL WE'RE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, RIGHT? I GUESS I CAN WAIT SEVEN MONTHS. DONAHUE! HELLO, WARDEN. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. MY WINE MAGAZINES CAME? NO. IT'S BETTER THAN THAT. YOU'RE GONNA REPRESENT GLENBORO PRISON IN THE ANNUAL TOP-HAND COMPETITION. CONGRATULATIONS. OH! OH! OH, MY GOSH! WOND-- I CAN'T DO THAT. WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WELL, I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU IN YOUR OFFICE. MY MOTHER WAS A VETERINARIAN. I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE EXPLOITATION OF ANIMALS. SHE WOULD TURN OVER IN HER GRAVE. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. IMPORTANT TO YOU? MY MOTHER IS WATCHING OVER EVERY STEP I MAKE. DO YOU KNOW THAT MY SOUL IS ON THE LINE HERE? SO PLEASE, LET'S JUST DROP-- WHAT? I SAID NO. I TOLD HIM NO. MA, ARE YOU CRAZY? I HAVE WITNESSES. ALL RIGHT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT IN MY CELL. UM...I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME, WARDEN? THAT BOY'S VERY CONFUSED. STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT. WHAT ABOUT JACK GRAHAM? HIS KNEES HAVE MENDED. (FOOTSTEPS) WAKE HIM UP. (CLATTERING) ALL RIGHT! LET'S MOVE! WHAT HAPPENED? LET'S GO, MAYOR KOCH, AND YOU, TOO, COUNT BASIE. - WHAT TIME IS IT? - 4:30. WHY SO EARLY? IT'S CALLED PAYING YOUR DEBT TO SOCIETY. NOW LET'S MOVE! IS BREAKFAST READY? SOMEBODY STOLE THE TOILET. WAIT A MINUTE. OVER HERE. (URINATING) YOU'RE PEEING ON ME! SHH. * (WHOOPING) CLOSE 12! MAN: CLOSE 12! (WHOOPING) THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME. PLEASE! AAH! PLEASE! NO, NO, NO! OH, JEEZ! (WHOOPING) (WHOOPING) (SOBBING) (PANTING) P-PILLOW. PILLOW. I WANT MY PILLOW. MY PILLOW. (SNORING) ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO. UP AND AT 'EM! AAH! I CAN'T FEEL NOTHING IN MY LEG! AAH! HEY. NOW DON'T YOU SEE THE WHITE LINE HERE? YES, SIR. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OFF TO THE SIDE OF IT. I'M NOT--OH, SORRY. WHAT A MISTAKE! I'M SORRY. NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. YEAH? SEE, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW. GET HIM OUT OF HERE. COME ON. CLOSE 10. MAN: CLOSE 10. (SKIP WHISTLING SKATERS' WALTZ) HEY! MY BACK. MY 11-YEAR-OLD BACK PROBLEM IS GONE! I FEEL TERRIFIC. THANKS, CAP. WOW! WHAT A LUCKY GUY! YOU SON OF A GUNS! ALL RIGHT. GET IN THERE, AND I'LL SEE YOU IN FIVE DAYS IF YOU MAKE IT. DONAHUE. (FLIES BUZZING) DONAHUE? ONE MORE DAY, PLEASE? JUST ONE MORE DAY. I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO GET INTO MYSELF. BE A PAL. HARRY, GUESS WHO'S HERE. HOW'S MY BEST-- OH! WHOA! WHOA WHOO! I LEFT MY--MY WALLET IN THE, UH, SOLITARY. COULD I-- OH, PLEASE-- OH! NIGHTY-NIGHT, BOYS. DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO, OK? GGG... GR... GGG... GROSSBERG... GROSSBERGER. GROSSBERGER. COME HERE, MAN. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. CAN'T GO. CAN'T DO. CAN'T BUDGE. EXCUSE ME. DON'T TOUCH HIM. DON'T TOUCH HIM. DON'T TOUCH HIM. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH HIM. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I'M JUST GONNA STAND OVER HERE FOR A WHILE. DON'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE. NO, NO. I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE. GOOD-BYE. GROSSBERGER. GROSSBERGER, YOU'RE SO GOOD. PLEASE. THINK GROSSBERGER ATE THEM ALL UP, OR DID HE LEAVE SOME BONES? HA HA HA! WE'RE GONNA SHIP THEM BACK TO TIMES SQUARE. OH, MAN. SAY, WHOA. NO, NO, NO. LOOK. I KNOW IT'S ILLEGAL. GIVE US A BREAK, WOULD YOU? WE TRIED CHARADES. HE DOESN'T GET IT. YOU CAN'T IT. NO. YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS CARD! WHAT IS THIS? LOOK. WHAT? CHEATING! LOOK! HUH? SEE? LOOK. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU CALL-- A MATCH FOR THIS ONE! WELL, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING ALONG? OH, EXCUSE ME. THIS IS MY COUSIN MEREDITH. SHE'S BEEN HELPING OUT ON YOUR CASE. HI. HI. NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU, TOO. IT'S AMAZING. THERE'S HARDLY ANY FAMILY RESEMBLANCE. NO OFFENSE. NO. WE'RE JUST BARELY COUSINS. SEE, MY MOTHER WAS A FRENCH CANCAN DANCER, AND... IT'S A LONG STORY. SAY, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING ALONG? SWELL. JUST SWELL. A FEW UPS AND DOWNS. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SEE MOVIES ABOUT PRISON LIFE, BUT UNTIL YOU'VE ACTUALLY SPENT TIME HERE, IT'S HARD TO GET THE REAL FLAVOUR OF--OF WHAT IT'S LIKE. I THINK MORE AMERICANS SHOULD SPEND A LITTLE TIME BEHIND BARS SO THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT. WELL, MORE AMERICANS PROBABLY WILL. NOW WE HAVE MADE YOUR PRELIMINARY BID FOR RETRIAL, AND--WELL, MEREDITH, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM? REMEMBER THE LITTLE GIRL IN THE BANK? SHE IS READY TO SWEAR THAT YOU WEREN'T THE ONES IN THE WOODPECKER SUITS WHEN THE BANK WAS HELD UP. AND SHE REMEMBERS THAT ONE OF THE ROBBERS HAD A TATTOO. SHE EVEN REMEMBERS THE DESIGN. NEI--NEITHER OF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, DO YOU? NO. GOOD. I'LL CHECK OUT THE TATTOO ARTISTS IN THE AREA. OH, BY THE WAY, THERE'S A RAUNCHY STRIP JOINT IN TOWN WHERE TATTOOED GUYS HANG OUT. I'M GONNA TRY FOR A PART-TIME JOB THERE. NOW, UH, BECAUSE THE LITTLE GIRL'S ONLY 6, THE COURT DECLARED THAT HER INFORMATION DOESN'T JUSTIFY A NEW HEARING, BUT WE ARE TRYING TO GET THEM TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. ON THE BASIS THAT THE PROSECUTION DID WITHHOLD THAT INFORMATION. WHICH AT THE BOTTOM LINE IS ALL LEGAL BULLSHIT BECAUSE THE FACT IS THAT YOU WERE RAILROADED, JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF A REPRESSIVE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM COMING DOWN ON THE BOTTOM LAYER OF SOCIETY. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE BOTTOM PART, BUT I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE ON THE REST. UM... YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING THAT'S ALWAYS FASCINATED ME? ARE THE PRISON ROMANCES THAT SOMETIMES SPRING UP BETWEEN INMATES AND GIRLS FROM THE OUTSIDE, SOMETIMES QUITE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. I MEAN, WOULD YOU, FOR EXAMPLE-- COULD YOU ACTUALLY BECOME INVOLVED, I MEAN, ROMANTICALLY, WITH A PRISONER? ABSOLUTELY NOT. OH. NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO. I WAS JUST CURIOUS. WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU MEAN DONAHUE'S TOUGHER THAN YOU THOUGHT? A FEW MORE DAYS, AND I'LL HAVE HIM BROKE. WE DON'T HAVE A FEW MORE DAYS! THE STOCK'S ALREADY BEEN DELIVERED TO THE FARM, THE RODEO CONTRACTS ARE OUT, AND DOREN PRISON IS A BIG JUMP AHEAD OF US ALREADY! WELL, BEING FROM THE EAST, I THOUGHT THE KID WOULD BE A LITTLE SOFTER IN THE CROTCH. OH, HE'S SOFT ALL RIGHT. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO KICK HIM! WHAT? MY APPENDIX? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY APPEND-- HEY, MAN. I KNOW ABOUT APPENDIX. I HAD MY APPENDIX TAKEN OUT ALREADY! I HAD MY APPENDIX--HOLD IT. I HAD MY APPENDIX TAKEN OUT ALREADY! I HAD MY APPENDIX--HELP! I HAD MY APPENDIX TAKEN-- OFFICER, HELP ME! POLICE! HELP! WHAT YOU IN FOR, BROTHER? HMM. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME KIND OF CONFUSION. THEY SAY MY APPENDIX GREW BACK, BUT I--I HAD IT TAKEN OUT YEARS AGO. WHAT ABOUT YOU? I CAME IN FOR A HERNIA OPERATION. THEY CUT OFF ONE OF MY NUTS BY MISTAKE. SAY WHAT? THEY SAID I DIDN'T NEED IT ANYMORE. NOW I CAN'T EAT, I DON'T SLEEP, I AIN'T GOT NO ENTHUSIASM, DON'T WRITE MY WOMAN NO MORE. I'M SUPPOSED TO GET OUT NEXT YEAR, BUT I DON'T CARE WHETHER I DO OR DON'T. YOU SURE TAKE IT CALM. AIN'T NOTHIN' I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW, BUT LOOK. THEY GOT THIS KOREAN DOCTOR JUST SET FOOT IN THIS COUNTRY. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET HIM. THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S THE ONE MADE THE MISTAKE ON ME. AAH! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM? OH, MAN. THAT'S JUST JOHNSON. HE'S ON A HUNGER STRIKE, SO THEY'RE FORCE-FEEDING HIM TO KEEP HIM ALIVE. THANK GOD. THERE IS SOME HUMANITY IN THIS PLACE. THEY'RE GONNA ELECTROCUTE HIM NEXT MONTH. NNNNNN! MR. FRAZIER? HOW DO YOU GO? HEH. THAT'S THE CAT DID ME. AAH! MAKE SURE YOU COVER UP THEM JEWELS. NO! NO! GUH! AAH! * HELLO, DONAHUE. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? I'M READY TO MAKE A DEAL. OH. WHAT KIND OF DEAL? I WANT MY OWN TEAM, AND I WANT A BIGGER CELL WITH BETTER VENTILATION. WHAT'S THE MATTER? HAS GROSSBERGER BEEN FARTING ON YOU? SETTLE DOWN, WILSON. - I DON'T MAKE DEALS, DONAHUE. - OH, I KNOW THAT. BUT I THINK IN THIS CASE IT MIGHT BE ARRANGED. GOOD. I WANT TO WIN THAT TROPHY. I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO GO BALLS OUT FOR IT. I ONLY HAVE ONE SPEED-- BALLS OUT. HEH HEH HEH. THAT'S THE SPIRIT. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA BE OUT OF HERE WHILE YOU'RE STILL A RELATIVELY YOUNG MAN. OH, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT A LOT. - WELL, I GUESS WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A DEAL, HUH? - I GUESS SO. RIDE 'EM, COWBOY. OK. I WANT AN INMATE GUARD ON THEM EVERY MINUTE. GRAHAM WILL KEEP AN EYE ON THEM. PUT BLADE ON GRAHAM. RIGHT. # GETTIN' IT ON ALL THE WAY # # GET IT ON DOWN ALL THE WAY, GET ON DOWN # HEY, SUCKER. SHIT GONNA START NOW, MAN. WHAT YOU DOING JOINING THE RODEO? CITY DUDE LIKE YOU SUCKING UP TO THE WARDEN? HE'S NOT SUCKING UP WITH THE WARDEN. WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN. WE SHOWED SOME APTITUDE FOR THIS, THAT'S ALL. APTITUDE? YOU HEAR THAT? WHY DON'T YOU LAY OFF HIM, BLADE? THE MAN JUST DOING WHAT HE GOT TO DO. THEY WERE GONNA CUT THE DUDE'S NUTS OFF. - AIN'T THAT RIGHT, HARRY? - I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS MY NUTS. - WORK YOUR TAIL OFF, COWBOY... - OH, DON'T SWEAT IT SO HARD. AND THEN GET SHOVED ASIDE BY SOME AMATEUR WOULDN'T KNOW ONE END OF A ROAN PONY FROM ANOTHER. NOW HE MAY BE GOING INTO THE RODEO, BUT THAT DON'T MEAN HE'S COMING OUT! WHAT A HORSE! JESUS, WHAT A BEAUTY! WHAT A SWEET, BEAUTIFUL FACE HE HAS! LOOK, HE'S LISTENING TO US. HE'S LISTENING TO EVERY WORD THAT WE SAY. I'LL BET YOU ANYTHING. OK, SWEETHEART, HERE I COME. DON'T BE MISLED, MY FRIEND. HE'S A CHUTE FIGHTER. HE WILL TRY TO KILL YOU IN THE CHUTE, YOU KNOW? HE'D LIKE NOTHING BETTER THAN TO KICK YOUR HEAD OFF. OH, I DON'T THINK SO. I'D LOVE TO TRY HIM. HEY. DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE RUSHING THIS A BIT? PLEASE. DID YOU SEE THE LOOK HE GAVE ME? THIS IS A SWEETHEART. THIS IS A LITTLE PUSSY CAT. ALTHOUGH, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY RIDDEN A REAL HORSE BEFORE. WELL, TRY TO REMEMBER NO SPURS ON THE BELLY. NO SPURS ON THE BELLY. - SPURS UP HIGH. - OK. WELL, THIS SHOULD BE SNAP. LET HER RIP! SKIP! SKIP! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M ALL RIGHT, FELLAS. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO GET THROWN. GROSSBERGER, I'M FINE. YOU CAN PUT ME DOWN NOW. YOU KNOW, YOU GET A LITTLE OVERPROTECTIVE SOMETIMES. OK, WHERE IS THAT SUCKER? NOW LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU ABOUT BULLS, OK? A BULL IS THE MOST EVIL, DISGUSTING, AND CRAFTY SUCKER IN THE WORLD. HE'LL SNOT ON YOU, FART ON YOU, DO ANYTHING HE CAN TO MASH OUT YOUR BRAIN. THE WORST KIND OF BULL IS THE ONE THAT WON'T DO NOTHING. JUST STAND THERE, LOOK AT YOU. THAT MEANS HE'S STUDYING YOU, SOAKING UP YOUR WEAK SPOTS AND REMEMBERING THEM FOR THE TIME HE GETS TO PRANCE ON YOUR HEAD. BLADE, YOU GOT IT WRONG. I'M A CLOWN, SEE? I SHOOT THE-- SHOOT THE FIRECRACKERS AND THE SODA WATER, THERE'S A LITTLE CAR, SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, 10 MIDGETS IN IT. WE ALL GET OUT. BUT THAT AIN'T NO RODEO CLOWN. A RODEO CLOWN IS THE MOST DANGEROUS JOB IN THE WORLD! HE'S THE ONE THAT GETS CLOSEST TO THE BULL. HE GETS THE BEST OF THE BULL! HOOK TO THE LEFT! HOOK TO THE SIDE! IF THE BULL RIDER IS IN DANGER, HE'S GOT TO PROTECT HIM, EVEN IF IT MEANS GETTING HIS RIBS PULLED OUT AND BEING FREIGHT-TRAINED. FREIGHT-TRAINED! THAT'S RIGHT. RUN OVER, JUST LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN. ONLY WITH A BULL, IT'S WORSE. COS A FREIGHT TRAIN DON'T BACK UP AND FINISH THE JOB. LATER ON, I'LL TEACH YOU THE PROPER WAY TO LIE ON THE STRETCHER WHEN THEY COME TO PICK YOU UP. WHEN THEY WHAT? RIGHT. NOW LET'S PRACTISE TRYING TO SUCKER THE BULL OUT THE CHUTE BECAUSE THE WARDEN WANTS YOU IN ONE PIECE TILL AFTER THE RODEO. THEN YOUR ASS BELONG TO ME, YOU GOT THAT? WHAT ABOUT BALLOONS AND STUFF? NOW, EVERY BULL HAS A SECRET WORD THAT MAKES HIM CRAZY, SENDS HIM INTO HIS WILDEST RIDE. YOUR JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT THAT WORD. (GRUNTS) BLADE... UH... BULL? UH, LET ME SEE, RUMPLESTILTSKIN. TCH. BULL. UM, MALT LIQUOR. COME ON. TCH, TCH. COME ON, BULL. UM... TCH. (WHISTLE) BULL. TCH. COME ON. COOCHIE, COOCHIE, COOCHIE. COME ON. TCH, TCH, TCH. UH... RUFF, RUFF. COME ON. COME ON, TCH, TCH, TCH. BULL. (WHISTLE) HEY. HEY, SEXY. HEH HEH. SHIT. (BELLOW) AAH! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU FOUND THE WORD! HIYAAA! OVER THERE. THAT'S A VERY GOOD DEAL. I ACCEPT THAT. TERESA. ?COMO ESTAS? ESTOY BIEN. (SPEAKING SPANISH) - HI. - HI. HI. HOW ARE YOU? UM, A LITTLE GROGGY FROM LOOKING AT RECORDS OF TATTOO PATTERNS ABOUT WHICH, WHEN, WHERE. SO FAR NOTHING. THE, UH--THE COURT REFUSES TO ACT ON THE LITTLE GIRL'S WORD. DOESN'T LOOK TOO GOOD, HUH? CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING THAT WE MIGHT HAVE OVERLOOKED? SOME SMALL PIECE OF EVIDENCE? - ANYTHING. - ANYTHING? THIS MAY SOUND SILLY, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN A PLACE IN THE SUN? A PLACE IN THE SUN WITH ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND MONTGOMERY CLIFT? YEAH. THAT'S MY FAVOURITE. YOUR FAVOURITE! THAT'S YOUR FA-- THAT'S MY FAVOURITE, TOO. WHAT DOES THAT TELL US? IT TELL US THAT MAYBE WE'RE NOT SUCH STRANGERS AS CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD IMPLY. MAYBE WE'RE NOT. YOU KNOW, I'M WORKING ON A NEW PLAY, AND I JUST WONDERED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO OPENING NIGHT WITH ME? I'D LOVE TO. YOU-- MAYBE WE OUGHT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE FIRST, THOUGH. OK. SHOOT. SKIP: # RODEO MAN # # OH, RODEO MAN # # PUT MY ENTRY DOWN # # GOT AN OLD BULLWHIP # # AND A NEW PAIR OF SPURS # # AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR TOWN # # OH, RODEO MAN # # OH, RODEO MAN # # DOWN IN THE VALLEY # # THE VALLEY SO LOW # # HANG YOUR HEAD OVER # # HEAR THE WIND BLOW # # HEAR THE WIND BLOW, LOVE # # HEAR THE WIND BLOW # # HANG YOUR HEAD OVER # # HEAR THE WIND BLOW # # ROSES LOVE SUNSHINE # # VIOLETS LOVE DEW # # ANGELS IN HEAVEN # # KNOW I LOVE YOU # # IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME # # LOVE WHO YOU PLEASE # # PUT YOUR ARMS ROUND ME # # GIVE MY HEART EASE # # GIVE MY HEART EASE, LOVE # # GIVE MY HEART EASE # # PUT YOUR ARMS ROUND ME # THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TIME. IT'S A GODDAM VACATION WHAT THEY HAVING. WELL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE AN OLD-TIME PRISON FUNERAL? COULD YOU GO FOR THAT? GROSSBERGER: # WRITE ME A LETTER # # SEND IT BY MAIL # JUST RELAX. HE'S GOING TO DRAW UNTAMED IN THE BRONC EVENT. # THE BIRMINGHAM JAIL # # BIRMINGHAM JAIL, LOVE # # THE BIRMINGHAM JAIL # # SEND IT IN CARE OF # # THE BIRMINGHAM JAIL. # (UPBEAT MUSIC) # NO WORDS TONIGHT # THERE'S NO NEED TO SPEAK # DANCIN' IN THE LOVE LIGHT # AND SHE ROCKS YOU OFF YOUR FEET # YOU LOVE HOW HER BODY IS SWAYIN' # IT ROCKS YOU RIGHT DOWN TO THE CORE # WITH EACH MOVE SHE SEEMS TO BE SAYIN' # "COME CLOSER AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE" # WATCH HER DANCE # # FALL INTO A DEEP ROMANTIC TRANCE, YEAH # # SEE HER SWAY # # NO ONE ELSE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL THIS WAY # # FEAST YOUR EYES # # THE WOMAN'S GOT THE POWER TO HYPNOTIZE # # SHE NEED A HOT ROMANCE # # WATCH HER DANCE, WATCH HER DANCE # # WATCH HER DANCE, WATCH HER DANCE # # WATCH HER DANCE NOW # 125 YEARS WITHOUT A WHIFF OF PUSSY. HOW'D THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? MEAN. VERY, VERY MEAN. (LAUGHS) # BUT YOU MIGHT BREAK THE SPELL # HELLO? MR. LEN GARBER, PLEASE. OH. DID HE LEAVE WORD WHERE HE COULD BE REACHED? OH. OK. THANK--THANK YOU. # ...YOU'VE NEVER KNOWN BEFORE # # WATCH HER DANCE... # HELLO, OPERATOR. PLEASE GET ME THE SHERIFF'S MAIN OFFICE. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU SINCE LAST NIGHT. - WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? - AT THE STATE CAPITAL. LOOK AT THIS. IT IS SO BLACK AND WHITE, IT IS ABSURD. ANY FIRST-YEAR LAW STUDENT COULD HAVE HAD THIS CASE LAUGHED OUT OF COURT! WE CAN DISCUSS YOUR PERFORMANCE LATER, LEN. SEE, RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS. - BUT THEY'RE INNOCENT! - THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER. WE HAVE TO GET TO THE COUNTY STADIUM BEFORE THE RODEO STARTS. WELL, THAT'S WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN! - WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT. - WE HAVE TO TRY, LEN. WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP AND SHAKE YOUR TAIL! I ALMOST BLEW IT! HOW CAN I CALL MYSELF A LAWYER? LEN! (CROWD CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: THAT'S IT FOR THE PRELIMINARY ACTIVITIES. FOLKS, SETTLE BACK AND GET READY FOR THE EVENT THAT YOU ALL CAME TO SEE. IT'S OUR FEATURED EVENT, THE TOP-HAND COMPETITION. - HEY, WALLY. - HI. HOW'S YOUR SECRET WEAPON, WALLY? HE'S FIT AS A FIDDLE, HENRY. YEAH? IT'S A NICE DAY FOR IT, AIN'T IT? YEAH, IT SURE IS. VENDOR: COKE. GOING DOWN. COMING DOWN. GOT YOUR COKE HERE. COKE! COKE, COKE! (ANIMAL SNORTING) THIS IS TOO MUCH. REMEMBER, SPUR HIM HIGH ON THE SHOULDERS, OK? AND TRY TO KEEP A GOOD RHYTHM GOING. ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR THE TOP-HAND COMPETITION. LEADING OFF FOR GLENBORO PRISON IS A NEW YORK YANKEE-- SKIP DONAHUE. HE'S DOING SOME HARD TIME FOR MAKING A WITHDRAWAL FROM ONE OF OUR BANKS. TROUBLE WAS, THE BOY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE AN ACCOUNT THERE. SKIP TOLD THE JUDGE HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP NEW YORK CITY OUT OF THEIR FINANCIAL BIND BY USING OUR MONEY. I HOPE I CAN REMEMBER EVERYTHING. GOOD LUCK. THANKS. THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU. (NEIGHS) THAT'S A BOY! HAH! THAT'S A BOY, BABY! THAT'S OUR BOY THERE! HA HA HA! AAH! WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT THAT, FOLKS? THAT EASTERN BOY'S GOT A LITTLE BIT OF COWBOY IN HIM, WOULDN'T YOU SAY? HE SURE DOES. YOU OLD SLY BONES. - WHERE'D YOU GET HIM? - WE'LL SEE. FOLKS, NEXT UP FROM THE DOREN UNIT, FIVE-TIME WINNER AND CURRENT CHAMPION CAESAR GERONIMO, A CHICAGO BOY. HE GOT HISSELF CAUGHT SELLING SOME WHITE POWDER DOWN AT THE BORDER. WHEN I SAY WHITE POWDER, I DON'T MEAN TALCUM POWDER. THE CHAMPION HAS DRAWN A HORSE SO ROUGH AND TOUGH THAT IT'S ALREADY PUT 11 COWBOYS IN THE HOSPITAL, AND THAT'S JUST BY BREAKING WIND ON THEM. (CROWD LAUGHING) ALL RIGHT! THAT COWBOY MUST HAVE HAD SOME REAL STRONG GLUE IN THE SADDLE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT MAN OF MISCHIEF FROM OKLAHOMA WHO WAS LAST YEAR'S RUNNER-UP, IS GETTING SET IN CHUTE NUMBER 5-- RINGO STAPLETON. YOU MAY RECALL OLD RINGO IS THE FELLA DOING 99 YEARS FOR KIDNAPPING A TRAINLOAD OF GORGEOUS GIRLS ON THE WAY TO A BEAUTY CONTEST IN LAS VEGAS. HERE COMES OLD RINGO ON THE BULL CALLED VAL MCDEAN, AND UH-OH! OH HO! RINGO'S IN TROUBLE ALREADY! HE'S DOWN, AND THE BULL'S ON TOP OF HIM! OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS BUCKY STILLWATER. THE JUDGE FOUND BUCKY GUILTY OF MISPLACING $4 MILLION WHILE HE WAS AN ACCOUNTANT FOR AN INSURANCE COMPANY. THE MONEY WAS NEVER RECOVERED, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE REASON WHY BUCKY SEEMS TO HAVE MORE FRIENDS AMONG THE OTHER INMATES THAN ANY OTHER PRISONER IN THE WHOLE CORRECTIONAL SYSTEM. WHATEVER BUCKY WANTS BUCKY GETS ` EXCEPT FOR HIS PAROLE, THAT IS. HE WON'T BE ELIGIBLE UNTIL HE'S 113 YEARS OLD. HOWEVER, BUCKY SPENDS ALL HIS SPARE TIME IN THE PRISON LIBRARY STUDYING THOSE LAW BOOKS. SO DON'T BE SURPRISED IF BUCKY IS OUT IN PLENTY OF TIME TO ENJOY THAT LOOT BEFORE OLD AGE CATCHES UP WITH HIM. (CROWD LAUGHING) THERE HE GOES ON A BULL CALLED EVIL SUPREME. UH-OH! OH! POOR BUCKY WASN'T SO LUCKY. BUCKY STILLWATER'S SHAKEN UP PRETTY BADLY, BUT HE SEEMS TO BE ALL RIGHT. HE'S LEAVING THE ARENA UNDER HIS OWN STEAM, THOUGH HE SEEMS TO BE JUST A LITTLE BIT WOBBLY. LET'S GIVE HIM A HAND. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME TAKE THIS MOMENT HERE TO REMIND YOU OF THE COUNTY FAIR. YOU BETTER SCOOT ON OVER THERE AND GRAB 'EM UP WHILE YOU CAN. WE'VE GOT BIG BOY GLEESON AND OTHER ENTERTAINERS FROM HOLLYWOOD AND LAS VEGAS. YOU NAME IT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE IT. THIRD UP IN THE BULL-RIDING EVENT COMING OUT OF CHUTE NUMBER FOUR IS THE GLENBORO PRISON ENTRY. IT'S THAT CITY SLICKER AGAIN WHO'S BEEN GIVING THE DEFENDING CHAMP A REAL RUN FOR HIS MONEY. CAN HE KEEP IT UP? WE'RE GONNA ALL FIND OUT IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS WHETHER IT'S JUST BEGINNER'S LUCK OR IF THIS BOY'S REALLY GOT SOME REDNECK IN HIM. UP ON FLAPJACK, HERE'S SKIP DONAHUE. OK, A LITTLE TIGHTER, JESUS. - HOW'S THAT? - THAT'S IT. OK. NOW, REMEMBER, GO WITH HIM, WATCH HIS HEAD. - READY? - OK. LET'S GO. OPEN THE GATE! OPEN THE GATE! WE SEEM TO HAVE OURSELVES A LITTLE PROBLEM DOWN HERE, FOLKS. HE'LL BE KILLED IN THERE! SOME SON OF A BITCH PUT A LOCK ON THE GATE! ANNOUNCER: THAT NEW YORKER IS FULL OF SURPRISES! NOW, HERE'S LAST YEAR'S CHAMPION, CAESAR GERONIMO, RIDING THE BULL THAT NOBODY HAS BEEN ABLE TO STAY ON FOR MORE THAN THREE SECONDS, A BULL BY THE NAME OF TORNADO. ANOTHER GREAT RIDE. NOW YOU KNOW WHY HE'S OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION. WELL, FOLKS, CATCH YOUR BREATH FOR A FEW MINUTES WHILE THE COWBOY JUDGES TALLY UP THE SCORES ON ALL THE CONTESTANTS. (THUD) YOU'VE GOT TIME FOR A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE. I'LL BE BACK IN JUST A LITTLE BIT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER. HOLD ON, HOLD ON, FOLKS. WE GOT OURSELVES THE FIRST PUSH IN THE HISTORY OF THE PRISON RODEO. PUSH, MY ASS. THERE AIN'T GONNA BE ANY PUSH. I WAS READY FOR THIS. (CROWD BOOING) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS. AS A TIEBREAKER, BOTH OF THE WARDENS HAVE JUST GIVEN THEIR PERMISSION TO RUN THE HARD-MONEY EVENT. THAT'S THE SINGLE MOST DANGEROUS EVENT IN ALL OF RODEO COMPETITION. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN THE HARD-MONEY EVENT IS SNATCH A LITTLE SACK OF MONEY BETWEEN THE HORNS OF A MEAN BRAHMA BULL. SO JUST AS SOON AS OUR TWO BOYS GET READY, WE'RE GONNA START OUR FINAL COMPETITION. ARE YOU READY FOR THE MAIN EVENT? (CROWD CHEERS) WELL, JUST--JUST LISTEN TO THIS BECAUSE WARDEN BEATTY HAS JUST INFORMED ME THAT HE AND WARDEN SAMPSON HAVE SO MUCH FAITH IN THEIR BOYS THAT THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF SPLITTING THE PURSE FROM THE RODEO AS THEY USUALLY DO, IT'S GOING TO BE A WINNER-TAKE-ALL EVENT. I'M SAYING THAT $50,000 IN BILLS IS GOING TO BE TIED BETWEEN THE HORNS OF ONE OF THE MOST VICIOUS BULLS IN THIS TERRITORY, AND WHICHEVER INMATE GRABS THE MONEY IS THE WINNER. AND HERE THEY ARE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I GET A LITTLE NERVOUS SOMETIMES BEFORE THESE THINGS. BY THE WAY, THE WORD IS THAT YOUR WARDEN IS AN EXCEPTIONALLY SWEET MAN. - IS THAT TRUE? - HE'S A PRICK. A PRICK? BOY, DID I HEAR THAT WRONG. WELL, IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE AN ASS-KISSER? YOU'RE GONNA GET A PUNCH IN THE MOUTH. DID I SAY IT? I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I HEARD. WHAT ARE YOU SO TOUCHY ABOUT? I'M AN ASS-KISSER, TOO. OBVIOUSLY WE'RE BOTH DUMB ASS-KISSERS IF NO ONE'S GONNA GET ONE PENNY OF THIS EXCEPT TWO PRICKS! STANDS TO REASON, DOESN'T IT? (SNORTS) I'LL DISTRACT THE BULL. YOU GRAB THE MONEY, OK, CAESAR? HUH? I DON'T CARE WHO WINS. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? WHY DON'T WE GIVE THE MONEY TO THE PRISONERS? WHAT DO YOU THINK? TELL YOU WHAT. YOU DO WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST, OK? I'VE GOT IT, CAESAR. GET READY. (CROWD CHEERING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION FOR THE SIXTH TIME IN A ROW-- CAESAR GERONIMO! GODDAM! (CHEERING) WELL, I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE. THAT CHICAGO BOY'S DONE LOST HIS MIND. HOLY COW! THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO PAY FOR THAT! NOW, FOLKS, TO WRAP UP OUR DAY, HERE'S THE GREASED PIG SACKING CONTEST. WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? ARE YOU OK? THEY'RE IN THAT CAMPER! LOOK. I'M SORRY. WE'RE IN A REAL HURRY, OK? WHAT IS GOING ON?! (ENGINE SPUTTERING) WE JUST DID IT! OH, BABE! EXCUSE ME. I DIDN'T INTRODUCE YOU. HARRY MONROE, SKIP DONAHUE, RORY SCHULTZBRAND. - SCHULTZBRAND? - MY MAIDEN NAME. MY WIFE TERESA AND MY BROTHER RAMON. HEY, YOU GUYS. THAT IS YOURS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? VERACRUZ. WE GOT SOME FAMILY THERE. HEY. RORY GOING WITH YOU? TRY TO BE BRAVE, SWEET PANTS. (JESUS GRUNTS) TAKE CARE. SKIP: BE A GOOD GIRL NOW. IRAMON, A SU CASA! HONEY! IT'S ME AND YOU! HE KISSED ME! DAMN! (HORN HONKS) LET'S GO. MAN, WE GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. WAIT! HOW DID YOU GET OUT? - WE BUSTED OUT. - BUT YOU'RE FREE. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT WE'RE FREE! NO. I MEAN, THEY CAUGHT THE OTHER TWO GUYS. THANKS TO MEREDITH. AH! YOU MEAN, WE'RE REALLY FREE! WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE! YOU'RE A HELL OF A LAWYER. THANK YOU. THANKS SO MUCH. - YES, AND GOOD LUCK. - THANK YOU. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. IT'S OK. THANK YOU. IT'S OK. (POUNDING) HEY, COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF THIS STATE BEFORE SOMEBODY CHANGES THEIR MIND. AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING? WHAT? WHAT ABOUT MY OPENING NIGHT? AM I... AM I STILL INVITED? HOLY MACKEREL! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU? WHOO-HOO! KIKI DEE: # LONG TIME GOIN' DOWN A RAILROAD TRACK # # STARTING TO GET OUR CONFIDENCE BACK # # LIVIN' OUR DREAMS ALL OVER AGAIN # # YOU AND I COULD MAKE IT TO THE VERY END # # OH, NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # WE GOT TODAY, TONIGHT, OR FOREVER # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # NO # # NOTHING'S STANDIN' IN OUR WAY # # WE GOT A BRAND-NEW WORLD TO BELIEVE IN # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # LONG TIME SAILING ON STORMY SEAS # # TRYIN' TO TELL EACH OTHER WE WANT TO BE FREE # # LET'S TAKE A CHANCE, WE JUST MIGHT WIN # # WE'RE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO NEVER GIVE IN # # OH, NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # WE GOT TODAY, TONIGHT, OR FOREVER # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING'S STANDIN' IN THE WAY # # WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM # # OH, NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # WE'VE GOT A DESTINY # # OUR FUTURE IS CLEAR # # WE'RE MORE # # MORE THAN A FANTASY # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # WE GOT TODAY, TONIGHT, OR FOREVER # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US # # NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US # # NOTHING CAN STOP # # NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW #