1 "Magic" - The Cars CRASH! Terrific! # Summer # It turns me upside down # Summer, summer, summer # It's like a merry-go-round # I see you under the midnight # All shackles and bows # High shoes with the cleats a-clicking # A temperamental glow... (BOTH) Ssshhh! # Oh, oh, it's magic! # When I'm with you... # Boo! (BOTH SCREAM / GIGGLE) What was going on here, huh? We thought you were sleeping. How can I sleep with two Twinkie burglars roaming around? Can we watch Dragon Tales? Yeah, why not, why not? (YAWNS) Which one of these turns on the TV? (BOTH GIGGLE) Alright. (BOTH GIGGLE) You just opened the garage. I'm just planning ahead, I know. "(BLOWS)" "Pee-yew! Was that a stinky-dink bug?" Good job. Whatever happened to the good old days when you pulled a knob and on came the boob tube? The O'Doyles got a universal remote control. One clicker controls everything. Makes life a lot easier for old people like you. Well, whoop-dee-doo for the O'Doyles! (WHISPERS) I don't know. Ask your father. Ask me what? Do you think you'll have time to finish building the tree house, ever? Yeah, Dad, it's kinda been halfway done for two months now. Alright, I want to, it's just I got a lot of things going on at work right now but as soon as I'm done, I'm on it, I promise. Hang in there. (DOG WHINES) Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck. (BOTH GIGGLE) Oh, no, that's not wrestling, that's... something you shouldn't know about for another 10-30 years. 10 for you, 30 for you. (BIRDSONG) Hey, Michael. Yes? See you tonight at the swim meet? Swim meet? I gotta go to that? Yes! I'm kidding ya, I'll be there. OK? Alright. I love you, Michael. Forever and ever, babe. Mr Newman! Kevin O'Doyle. Always a pleasure. What kinda stereo you got in that blue piece of shit? You know what? I never checked, Kevin. My father's stereo is a Bose. Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad. No, I said...! THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID! His father's stereo blows! Wheeee! (TOOTS HORN) Pay the man! Let's go! Morning, Mr Newman. Morning, Mr Newman. Hello. Morning, Mr Newman. Hi. Morning, Mr Newman. Hi. (BOTH) Morning, Mr Newman. Hi. Morning, Mr Newman. Alice, I was stuck in traffic for an hour and a half. When's the meeting? Erm, it started already. What?! Can I go to the bathroom? Go to the bathroom! I told ya, you don't have to ask me! (WHIMPERS) Well, the interesting thing, Prince Habeeboo, is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us... Michael. Sorry I'm late, sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot. Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini. Red Lamborghini? I meant, er, blue Ferrari. This one of your partners? Actually, Michael is just an associate but he is one of our brightest young architects. Thank you. Would you like to walk His Majesty through our design concept, Michael? With pleasure. Prince Aboobie - Habeeboo! Prince Habeeboo. Habeeboo. I thought I said that. When Mr Ammer explained to me the type of man you are, a visionary who prides himself on originality,... (CHUCKLES) ..I said to myself, "Let's smash the mould and redefine elegance." So I present to you your restaurant. Where is bar? Bar is... Here's the bar. Now, the waterfall - Make bar longer. OK. We could cut into the atrium a little bit - No atrium, just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo. (ARABS CHATTER) Still itchy? You got it. And put big drain in floor for wet-T-shirt contest. You're kidding me, right? Boob water's gotta go someplace, Michael. Let's just take out the atrium and there's your drain. God! I love it! It is simply awesome! Yeah. (ARABS CHATTER) You want me to design an Arabian hoochie house? (SILENCE) How dare you compare my restaurant to this hoochie house?! This idea has got nothing to do with hoochies, Michael. (ARABS SHOUT) I meant no disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida. Hubba Bubba. Habeeboo! Ha-bee-boo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum! Habeeboo is not chewing gum! Prince Habeeboo, we will,... I will make this happen. (PHONE RINGS) John Ammer's office. I hope that atrium idea didn't take too long to configure. Oh, there'll be other Junes in my life, sir. See that, er, parking garage over there on 56th? Yeah. Watsuhita wants to knock it down and build a luxury hotel. You got the commission? Not yet. I just need someone to come up with a design proposal. Intrigued? Hell, yes! I'm Fourth of July-ing with the kids this weekend. When I get back, I'm all over it. Great. Have a great Fourth of July. I'll put Swardson on it. No, no, absolutely not! Can't it just wait three days? Michael, these guys are Japanese, they can't wait for their fish to cook. (SIGHS) I guess I could talk to my wife. Great. See you later for drinks with Prince Habadabee? My son has a swim meet tonight. (SIGHS) Nah, I'm just messing with you. We're good. (SPECTATORS CHEER) (GROANS) That's my boy! That's my boy! Kid, you were great! You're not my dad! As far as you know. What? Er, I was just joking. (SOBS) Is he really my dad?! C'mon, c'mon! Yes, Ben! Yes, you did it! Honey, you were so great! Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin?! That was incredible! You just got here, Dad, I saw you. What do you mean I just got here? I saw you. You jumped in over there, you swam to here. Then, what stroke was he doing, Dad? He was doing the shut up! (GIGGLES) Hey. The good thing is Daddy was here to see you finish. He didn't see me finish, he was hanging out with Ping Woo. What was that about? The kid was drownin'. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Nobody goes drowning in my pool. Bill, Ben's swim coach. You must be Dad. Michael Speedo. Michael Newman, sorry. Big Ben that was great progress out there. Just remember, right arm out, head turns left. Left arm out? Head turns right. I know, I just forgot at the end. That's alright. You master that, people are gonna think you're half a dolphin. Really? Yeah! (ALL) Awwww! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Mr Ammer. (GASPING) (ALL CHEER) Ben, honey, slow down. That's his second one in five minutes. He keeps eating more and more. He's like a machine! He can't still be hungry! He's just doing whatever Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy. Everything Michael's been doing lately is very unhealthy. He's gonna kill himself! Like a signature building we're talking about. (FIRECRACKER BANGS) Huh! Scared the crap outta me. Dad, how much longer are you gonna live? One minute. One minute?! Daddy's gonna die in one minute! Don't worry, I'm not dying. I'm gonna live... for 200 years. Is that long enough for you and me? Promise? I promise. Swear. Come here. Love you. (FIRECRACKER BANGS) You sonofabitch! Hey! There are families here! Show some respect, you pieces of shit! Go home and watch VH1, old man. (KIDS) Yeah! Don't light another damn one! (KIDS) Ooooh! Huh? Benjamin. Benjamin. What am I holding? A quarter. Now, Grandma does not let me eat ice cream because of my diabetes... True. ..but she says nothing, however, about a tasty quarter. OK. Mm! Alright, very quickly, please, count to three because it tastes terrible. (ALL) One. Two. Three. (SPITS) Are you shittin' me?! First he's eating like his father, now you're talking like him?! Ben! Don't you ever say that again! Sorry, Grandma. How do you do that, Grandpa?! A good magician NEVER reveals his secrets. Your daddy has wanted to know how I've done that trick since he was your age. Isn't that true, son? Who are you talkin' to? Jesus. I'm talking to my boss. Take it easy. Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life. You got family here! C'mon! My mother says hello. Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he, on his big cellphone? Big boy! (ALL LAUGH) That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you, Mr Ammer. Alright. Good night. Are you done? Can we relax now? Sorry. (FIRECRACKERS BANG) Eat me, Grandpa! You're dead! Oh, shit! Yeah, you better run! I kicked your father's ass in high school and now I'm gonna kick yours! (SOBS) I hate that man! OK, good night, you two cowboys. Reach for the sky, Pocahontas! No, back to bed. C'mon. Pocahontas is off duty. I'm outta here. (COUGHS) You gettin' sick, Sheriff? I don't get time to be sick, so no. I have to watch this documentary on Asian architecture. Well, you gotta get some rest sometime. Besides, the woodland creatures will laugh at you if you collapse trying to put up the tent this weekend. Yeah, I forgot to tell you,... ..we gotta postpone the camping trip. Ammer put me on a project that's due Tuesday. The kids have been talking about it all year! Think I don't know that? Every choice I make, everything I do, I disappoint somebody. Don't keep disappointing the wrong people. I'm not out drinking or gambling, I'm working my ass off, so my family can have a better life than I ever dreamed of as a kid! The only way for that to happen is for me to watch this stinking show! So relax, hun. OW! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WILL YOU GIVE ME A BREAK ONE TIME?! Dammit! The O'Doyles got a universal remote control! We're gonna have one, too! I am sick of this! (DOOR SLAMS) You want me to open the garage for you?! Yeah! (SIGHS) Mm! Closed. Open! Bed, Bath & Beyond it is. Hey, man, you guys got any universal remote controls in there? For a shower curtain or a bath mat? For a television. Hmmmm. I don't think so. Maybe for a blanket? You got a remote for a blanket?! I'm sorry, I don't even work here, I'm just waiting for my friends. You're kidding me? Er, yes. I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend? Whoa! Wow, man! "Bed. Bed." "Bath. Bath." "Bed." (SIGHS) So tired of my life. (ANGELIC MUSIC) "Beyond"? # Be the angel # of my grace # Be the devil # who cares # Be anything # But, darling # be mine... # Sorry to sneak up on ya. You guys got a universal remote control back here? Something stinks like stale French fries. Alright, that's, er, probably me. You know, fast food shortens your life. That's what I heard, but the way my life's been going, that ain't such a bad thing. You're looking for a universal remote control? Yeah, one device to do it all for me, make my life a little easier, quicker, not so damn complicated. I'm not supposed to do this but you seem like a good guy. Hey, somebody noticed. Thank you. I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in that's probably the most advanced piece of technology we have. Sounds sweet. It is sweet. The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet. Ooh! I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite my advanced technological ass, then. I don't know the O'Doyles but... they could bite it hard. Yeah. Come in the back with me. OK. This is very nice of you. What's your name, anyway? Call me Morty. Morty, I'm Michael Newman. Michael Newman,... ..I'm about to rock your world. OK. I gotta be honest with you, this place looks bigger from the outside. Just kidding. Oh. Hey, hey! I think maybe there in the middle? Ah. Sneaky. Ahhhh! Where's the box? Does it come with directions? Not necessary. Just point, click. Eventually it will programme itself. How much is this thing? Cos, er, I ain't exactly Thurston Howell. Lucky for you, it's not in the bar-code system yet, so... I'm gonna have to just give it to you. What's the catch here, man? You want me to take my shirt off for you? Cos I don't play for that team. Hey! Man, get outta here! Why are you doing this, then? Cos good guys need a break every once in a while. Take it. Enjoy. Alright. Only one thing you need to know, Michael. This item is non-returnable. Why would I wanna return something I got for free? q (COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Mmf! Mmf, mmf, mmf! Ohhhh! Twinkie. You don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. OK. Good job. Let's see what you got, baby. Wow! Look at me turning my own TV on. I'm a freaking whiz kid. So I talked to the kids. Oh, yeah? They're being very understanding about not going camping. Great. Told them they could have a sleepover instead. Great idea. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for being so cool about this, too. Can I ask you something? Yes. After you do all this work and become a big player at your company, are things just gonna get even more out of control? Wait. When I get to that place and become a boss, a millionaire, a big shot, the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a bunch of idiots just like me to do all my work, so that we can do whatever we want. You just gotta gimme some time. Don't give me that look. I'm just saying, gimme some support. Alright? I love ya. Go to sleep. (REMOTE BEEPS) Just think about it, Michael. (YAWNS) Absolutely. And stop with the Yodels or you're gonna wake up 400lbs one day. OK. (COUGHS) (DOG BARKS) Hey, hey, hey, keep it down, dude, everybody's sleepin'. (DOG BARKS) You gotta poop again? Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy on the duck, OK? (DOG BARKS) Will you just hold it in for five minutes and keep the freaking volume down?! (VOLUME DROPS) (SILENCE) (VOLUME RISES) (VOLUME DROPS) (SILENCE) I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with Yodels,... you get acid. (CRICKETS SING) (DOG BARKS) (DOG SNIFFS) Hey, you said you gotta go. Go already, man. (YAWNS) (DOG SNIFFS) Sniffy Longdroppings, today! (DOG SNIFFS) (DOG FARTS) Er... Holy motherfu...! (BIRDSONG) You're right, in the short run, plastic surgery is a hassle but, six months later, I'm gonna have a face and a body that's gonna get me to places where I wanna be. (LAUGHS) Oh, my mother, typical, you know, she says, "This procedure is too risky." God, if Samantha wanted her cheekbones shaved down, I'd freak out, too. I know, but I just think they're too Slavic. You should get some work done, then maybe Michael will wanna hang out with you, too. Urgh. Morning, Michael. You're looking very crappy today. Morning, Janine. You're looking very... Slavic. You're just jealous because Donna and I are going to the gym and all the guys are gonna be hitting on us. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! (LAUGHS) Aw, Michael knows he's my one and only. Forever and ever, baby. Sorry about last night. I love you. Oh, my God! I want that so bad, a husband that I can kiss and love and give juice to! You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice. (CHUCKLES) You know way too much about me! I should never have done that Montel Williams show. Even Montel thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lotta shit. I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands, all of them, have emotionally abandoned me! They went to work, you had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog. Michael! OK, sweetie, calm it down. No! No! I have had self-esteem issues since I was a kid! I had a rabbit named Pepper and that rabbit abandoned me, too! EVEN THE RABBIT DID! EVEN THE RABBIT...! (BIRDSONG) DON'T LOOK AT ME! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! Bunny rabbit. Bunny... "Here's the pitch to Matsui! A deep drive." "Oh, my, it's outta here! A two-run shot into the right-field seats for Hideki Matsui! Sorry, what was that? She has so many problems. Why do you have to be so mean? I don't know. I... Hello. I gotta go. Yeah, good Robodog. And he can bark in over six different languages. It's so cool! Yeah, it's much cooler than your stupid human dog. Hey, Dad, see Kevin's new robot dog? Yeah, very nice. Very nice?! This thing is worth more than your car! Not any more it ain't. ROBODOG! (NOTE SOUNDS) Boing! (CHUCKLES) Hey, hey, hey. OK, is this some sort of reality show? Are you the host, Morty? Where are the cameras? Got everybody in on it, huh? Sundance did very well, also. Whoa! Alright, America! Have your laugh! I'm an idiot! (LAUGHS) Donna, I'm gonna get you! (LAUGHS) Fast-forward. (LAUGHS) Nobody's laughing at you, Michael. You wanted a universal remote control that remote controls your universe. Yeah, but what controls my dance skills? # We got the funk # You gotta have that funk, whoo! # We got the funk, yeah!... # Oh, Morty likes it, too. (LAUGHS) Michael, just hit menu. On the remote? No, the menu at the Red Lobster (!) Yes, on the remote! Uh-huh. (WHIRRING) Whoa! (GASPS) Where am I?! Whoa! (KIDS TALK) 'What have I got here? Two. Three.' Cough syrup's kicking in again. (OVERLAPPING VOICES) What is this? Your life menu. My life has a commentary? It's chock full of goodies. Click it. Click it. This is last Tuesday. '(DEEP VOICE) Michael was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his lunch order...' Who's that, James Earl Jones? James Earl does a lot of voice-over work. '..but his anticipation quickly turned to dismay as he realised Alice had bought him a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger.' I said a hamburger. She always does this. 'Michael considered demanding Alice scrape the cheese off but decided not to, fearing that Alice may defile the burger in some manner.' 'A wise decision for that was exactly what Alice was planning to do. (CACKLES)' Are you kidding me?! Sneaky. My God! What else we got here? "The Making Of"? Just click. Hey, hey, psychedelic. Where are we? (MOANING) Is this a porno or something? (WOMAN) Oh, Ted! Oh, Ted! Is that my parents?! They're making you. Like bunny rabbits. That's the spot! Smack my heinie! Change the channel! How do you do this?! (WATER SLOSHES) I can't see! What happened?! The floor's so mushy and slippery. Feels good on my feet. (CHUCKLES) Check it out. You hit the fast-forward button. I believe we're sometime after your conception. OK. Very good, Mrs Newman. No! We're in my mother's vagina?! And push. (BABY CRIES) It's a girl! It's a girl! Oh, it's a girl! Thank you so much! Wait a minute. What? It might be a boy. What do you mean "might be"? Maybe that's a penis. Maybe that's a penis? That's a penis. That's my penis! Can I see that? Can you bring that a little closer? (BABY CRIES) That's a tiny schmeckel! Yeah? We have a boy! We have a boy! Your mother must have some superpower eyesight cos... I didn't see anything. Oh, hardy-hah-hah! Let's get outta here. So if you think about it, I can re-experience any part of my life I want to. It's amazing! What happened? Oh, God, what did I do?! Hello? How do I get you back here, pal? (ROARS) (SCREAMS) Got ya! (LAUGHS) I'm not freaked out enough? It's simple. Think of a time and a place, hit rewind and you're there. Hm. Time and a place. Time and a place. Oh, my God! Lake Winnipesaukee! That's me in the Jets shirt! Go, little me, go! (LAUGHS) Yeah! Nice hands. Thank you. Michael! Michael, dinner's almost ready! Invite your friends if you want to. Any of you wanna come by my tent for some supper? Or we could eat at my family's Winnebago and watch Three's Company. (KIDS) Yeah! (ALL CHANT) Three's Company! That's humiliating. Mom, why can't we camp in an RV like every other family? Oh, c'mon! How can you get close to nature in a tin can like that? Plus, it's more fun to have to keep each other warm at night. Don't you know it. (NOISY KISSING) Ah, no cupcakes yet! But I'm starving! I agree with you, Michael. You know how hungry I am? I am so hungry, I could eat this. Ah, this is where the quarter trick started. (LAUGHS) How the heck did he do that? It's a trick coin you buy in a magic shop. I just couldn't let him know I knew that. That's sweet. Now, I gotta get back to work, so hit play. Whoa! It's a very powerful device. Use it with caution. OK. Who are you? You know who I am. Morty? If you have any questions,... ..call me. 1 No, Linda, I think Stacy gets the most-beautiful-feet award. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) You wanted to see me? Michael. I'm heading out to the Hamptons and I'm counting on you. This hotel project, it's a big fish. You reel it in for me and it's, er, "Howdy, partner." (GIRLS) Ooooh! OK. Thank you. Screw it up, though, and it's back to the mailroom, atrium boy. (ALL LAUGH) "Mr Ammer, Denise has gotta go to rehab, so she can't make it to the Hamptons." I'm gonna be alone on the Fourth of July? Mr Ammer, if you need female companionship this weekend, my wife's friend, Janine, wow. Really? What's she like? Let's just say, er,... she will eat you up, sir. Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt but this is kind of important. OK. Go to the bathroom! OK. # "Hold the Line" - Toto Dude, you suck so bad! Do not. Hey, Dad. How you doin', buddy? Playing some catch? We're playing some drop cos Ben hasn't caught one yet. Darn it! Ahhhh! (BEEPING) (WHISTLES) (BEEPING) Agh! (LAUGHS) Ow! You're a regular Derek Jeter yourself, O'Doyle (!) Love ya, kid. Love you, too, Dad. (LAUGHS) Mommy! No, I know. I thought she should have been voted off. But did you see her Kate Spade handbag? It was gorgeous. Hold on a second, Trudy. WHISPERS: I told your parents they should come for dinner. That sounds good. WHSIPERS: It'd be fun for them to be at the sleepover. (MIMICS GUNSHOT) OK, so great. Yeah. We'll see you guys later. Bye-bye. It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner with your family. I know, I just gotta build an entire model tonight. (GIRLS SCREAM) I'm the leader! No, I'm the leader! I'm the leader! (GIRLS SCREAM) Go say hi to Daddy. Go on. (GIRLS SCREAM) WHISPERS: I can't take a whole night of this and I'm not going to. Cool! I can skip chapters. Ah, what a family. Alright, let's get dinner over with. Next. Next! Everyone's done but you, buddy. Let's go. Will you stop already?! Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick! I can't wait not to see it. Alone in my basement at last. Should I do my work and become partner now? I think so. Get to it. Michael?! Yo! We don't wanna interrupt. We're taking off. Thanks for a great night. You had a fun time hanging out with me? Good night, honey. Love ya. My schmeckel got bigger now I'm older. Just so you guys know that. It couldn't have gotten any smaller. Yeah, yeah. It looked like a little Tic Tac. (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah. Come here, I'll freshen your breath. Bye, you guys. Bye, sweetie. Good night, sweetie. Great dinner, honey. See? Was that so bad? Are you kidding me? I had fun. Good for you. Can you watch the gang while I clean up? Can't you? I got so much stuff to do here. Oh, you got stuff to do? I got ghost stories, charades, the dishes, and then I gotta sew the duck's head back on for Sundance and... fix his butthole. Way to go, champ. I wish I had time to do all that stuff. Gimme a break, Michael. I'm asking you for ten minutes. I'm not asking you for, like, a whole day. How big a deal is that?! I skipped the whole fight. Yeah! Babe. Yeah? I can't sleep. You can't? I feel bad that we keep arguing. I know. Don't be upset, OK? I was a jerk. Mm-hm, you are a jerk. (CHUCKLES) I love you. I love you, too. That smells good. What? Mmmmm! Hey. Michael, stop it! The sleepover will catch us! They ain't gonna hear us. C'mon. OK. Quietly try and coax me into it. I gotta get back to work. Can't we just do it? No! Honey, c'mon. I don't have any new moves for ya, it's the same stuff! Just think of last time and use that! I like the old moves. C'mon. Alright. This time, you can be Sundance and I'll be the duck. Yeah? But you gotta massage me first. Great! I love giving massages. Massaging away here. Mmmmm, that feels good. Ooh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. PANTS We did it? Well, you did. I didn't want the whole thing to go that fast. I don't think anybody did. Yeah, I'll get you next time. Thanks. So, are we good for tomorrow? What are you talking about? At dinner you said we could go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift. Dad's gift is... Of course. I said so, so I'll be there. OK. Need another massage or anything? Go away. OK. I gotta go work. Hey, Morty, it's Michael Newman. Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hang on for a second. There's someone's at my door. Hello, Michael. Ssh! Where did you come from?! You don't wanna know. Do...? Can we take a walk? Sure. (CRICKETS SING) It's simple. You must've been on autopilot. Autopilot? That's what happens to you when you fast-forward. OK. Yeah. I'll show you. Here. See? That's you on autopilot. Mm-hm. The lights are on but nobody's home. The remote lets your mind skip around but your body stays for all the boring stuff. We should go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's gift. (FLATLY) Sounds good. So she did tell me. I'm having conversations on autopilot, then. Yes. Everyone goes on autopilot now and then. The big difference is, now you've got a nifty remote to help you decide when. This thing is the best. By the way, your wife, absolutely gorgeous. She is, isn't she? Perfect face, tight, rockin' body! (SIGHS) You OK? Amazing. What is? She fell for a schlub like you. I'm a schlub? I don't know about that, pal. I see a good-lookin' man right there. You wanna see what a stud I used to be? Sure. Yeah? Alright, let's take a look at some of the girls I used to fool around with before I met Donna. (DISCO MUSIC) Is that a man or a woman? It's a woman. # "Love Hurts" - Nazareth What is this, Animal Planet? Stop. I guess. Urgh. Sometimes it's better to keep certain memories just in your head. So I've learned, Morty. Good night. Thank you. Good night, Michael. (COUGHS) (BLOWS NOSE) I'm getting sick, man. Fast-forward me till I'm better. Michael, honey, wake up. You'll be late for work. (GROANS) What? It's Monday already? Huh? (SNIFFS) (BLOWS THROUGH NOSE) Are you kidding me? No more phlegm? I skipped an entire cold? Thanks to you, baby! I love you! No more Tylenol! I don't remember doing any work this weekend! But apparently I did! Bad news, there's no hot water. What? I gotta take a shower. Well, you're gonna freeze your bun-buns off. It's all good. (TV CHATTER) Yes! Look at me! All showered and dressed and lookin' sexy. I like that. Did you smoke crack, Daddy? Just watch your toons. Have a great day with your mommy today, OK? (NOISY KISSING) (GIGGLES) Eating cupcakes like your old man. Right here, baby. Dad. Yes, sir? Are you gonna have to work late again tonight? Unfortunately, yes. Is there anything we can do to help? I'm gonna be partner soon and I'm gonna need a lotta new designs, so if you have any ideas, draw 'em up for me. (BOTH) OK. Rock'n'roll. I get the paper. I got the crayons. (WORKMEN CHATTER) (HORNS TOOT) Would you stop talking and fix the sewer?! # Everyone's watching # To see what you will do # Everyone's looking # at you... # (SILENCE) You're on it now. Yeah. Yeah. Traffic, traffic. No more traffic. (TYRES SCREECH) (HIGH-PITCHED) Wait a sec! (HIGH-PITCHED) Here we go! Momma! (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about, baby! Whoo! Ooh! You look a little pale there, pal. Lemme fix that. Oh, look at you now. You're all yellow from the scurvy. Ah, Captain! (CHUCKLES) Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry. (GROWLS) (ROARS / LAUGHS) Oh! Oh! Oh, there's Barney. # I love you # You love me # That jogger had giant boobies... # (LAUGHS) OK, let's get you that tan you've been searching for. That's it. That's it. Check out Julio Inglesias. Mwah! Pretty. That's it. Check out Julio Inglesias. Mwah! Pretty. (ALL CHATTER) Looking good, Mr Newman. Really? Thank you very much, Judy. Finish? Did I finish? Erm, I believe I finished. Er, let's see here. Look at that! Very impressive. Yeah, the river in the lobby. This is actually pretty good, man. Where'd you find the time to get a tan? I guess I can do it all, sir. You can do it all. Alright, alright, everybody, it's sexual-harassment speech day. Now, anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment, blue collar, white collar, a woman, a man. Even the office slut. Not that I'm mentioning any names,... Stacy. (LAUGHS) Here we go. Sexual harassment can come in many forms. What is... (DISTORTED) ..hilarious to some, could be offensive to others. (LAUGHS) Let me give you an example cos I'm sure I've done it. (LAUGHS) Like the day I said,... (SQUEAKY VOICE) .."Want a promotion? Break out the lotion." I was technically engaged in sexual harassment. Hilarious sexual harassment, if you ask me. (LAUGHS) (NORMAL VOICE) Now, there is also... homosexual harassment. Now, this is like when one dude comes up to another and says something cheeky. This'll be good. What you... (SPEAKS SPANISH) (LAUGHS) (SHOUTS IN SPANISH) Problema, Miguel? No, proceda. (CONTINUES SPEAKING IN SPANISH) (GASPS / SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) Proceed. (HUBBUB) I don't know about you Americans but, to me, there is no doubt Ichiro is the greatest of all time. (ALL) Yes. You can always count on Matsui. (ALL) Oh, Matsui. If you love Ichiro and Matsui so much, let's order 'em both. I'll eat anything. (LAUGHS) Excuse us for a moment. Absolutely, Mr Watsuhita. See you guys in a bit. Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players. You insulted their heroes. I'm going to the bathroom to slit my wrists. I'll be here. (LOW CHATTER) (VOLUME INCREASES) (SPEAKS JAPANESE) (IN ENGLISH) These morons are so boring, they make me wanna take a sword and chop my own dick off. And that hotel design? I would like to rip it up! I think that egghead watched a bad documentary on Asian architecture. Who needs a river in the lobby? Let's build more rooms and maximise profits. Eat as fast as you can, then we can get out of here and do Jell-O shots at America's greatest cultural achievement ` TGI Friday's. (ALL) TGI Friday's! Alright, Michael, save us. I'm all over it, baby. Before we order, I was looking at our proposal. You know what? After getting to know you, I realise this is not what you're all about. In fact, let's just throw it out and start from scratch. The river-in-the-lobby idea? An egghead move. Let's keep the plans simple, forget all the niceties and maximise our revenue. That's what it's all about. But do me a favour, give us your account and your trust, that way we get outta here, go to TGI Friday's, do some Jell-O shots till this guy pukes up a lung. Fuck, yeah! (ALL LAUGH) That's what I'm talking about! (BOTH) Whaa! (GASPS) Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! The king is home! Hello, hello! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! How can you goons sleep when you know I got you presents? You did?! What is it?! Well, if you bring your tushies downstairs, we'll find out. Woo-hoo-hoo! I'm coming! I'm coming! Honey, get your sweet little buns downstairs, too. C'mon! C'mon! (BELL TINKLES) Come and get 'em. (BOTH SCREAM EXCITEDLY) Awesome! No way! Yeah! Yeah! It must've cost a million dollars! Ah, that's chump change now. You deserve the best and that's what you're gonna get from now on! What's all this? Look who's here. You wanna ride these bikes? (BOTH) Yeah! Wake the O'Doyles! Let 'em see what you got! (BELL TINKLES / HORN HONKS) Whoo! These are the coolest bikes in the whole town! Kevin O'Doyle's gonna shit himself! Don't think I forgot my beautiful wife. Huh? Oh, my gosh! It's not a bike or a cowboy hat but you're gonna like this, I hope. Oh, Michael, it's beautiful! I heard you talking to my mother. I love it! You look good, baby! I got myself a celebratory cigar, too. Why not? What are we celebrating? What are we celebrating? We're healthy, we got a great family, I'm Ammer's newest partner. Oh, my God, you're kidding?! Honey, congratulations! (LAUGHS) I knew you'd be psyched! I love it! I love you! I single-handedly landed the Watsuhita account. That's incredible. I knew it was gonna be a great day today, I heard our song on the radio. We have a song? Honey. The song that was playing during our first kiss. Oh! C'mon! You're kidding me, right? Erm,... I know our song. Our song. Of course I know our song. Our song is... What the hell was that song? (MUSIC PLAYS) Ah, I remember this place! And, er... Oh, my God, Wolverine's goofy cousin! But look at you. Wow! You are outta his league, aren't you? Oh, yeah, the notes. Smooth, buddy. Oh. Oh, look at her. What's gonna happen? You got an answer to that? Hey. OK, seal the deal, pal. Yeah. All she's thinking about is, "I am not kissing that beard. That's gonna hurt me." Wait a minute. Oh. Yeah, Newman! Get it! Yeah! # You know I'm such a fool for you... # Donna! Donna! Oh, my God! I'm so horny now! Oh, God, I'm not! Get me out of here. Linger by The Cranberries was playing during our first juicy kiss. And, my God, you looked beautiful in that pink sweater. Honey, you remember what I was wearing? I remember what Janine was wearing. She scared the shit outta me. (LAUGHS) Huh? I love you. I love you, too, honey. Yeah. # "I'm Gonna Live Until I Die" ` Frank Sinatra Hi, Mr Newman. Right this way, Michael. Hey, my new star! Congratulations. Sit down, big guy. Alright. I'm a little tired, the family was up late last night celebrating. You knocked one outta the park last night. You were great, too. Draw up the construction plans. If Watsuhita commits to the major bulk of the funds, I'm looking at my new partner. I thought I was already your partner. Whoa, cowboy. I said land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted. I didn't mean right this second. But I already told my wife. I spent money I don't have. To do these documents is gonna take me months! Then, you'd better get started. (BEEPING) (BEEPING) Wow, I just got a big headache! Was I hit by a train? I didn't see anything. I forgot to tell you. I hung out with Janine this weekend. (BEEPING) I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big-headed buffoon. (GROANS / FARTS) Ahhhh! No, no, no, no, you got more. (FARTS REPEATEDLY) Yeah! (BEEPING) Anyway, the sooner you get,... get back to, er, work, the sooner you'll be... partnerised. I taste shit. You do? Stacy, did you put shit in my lunch?! Oh! I'm gonna get going now, sir. Oh! STACY! (TYRES SCREECH) (LIGHTNING CRACKS) Have you considered the consequences of the thing you're thinking about doing? Yeah. What are you saying, I shouldn't do it? It's your life. What you do with the remote is your decision. I know. We're talking a couple of months here. I fast-forward through it, what am I gonna miss? 30 arguments and a haircut? Remember the leprechaun? Huh? The one from the cereal ad. "They're magically delicious." That guy? Right. He's always chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but when he gets there at the end of the day,... ..it's just cornflakes. Huh? Michael. Yes! You don't understand the metaphor? I won't do it, alright! (THUNDER RUMBLES) Dad. Yeah? We have some designs for you. It's not a good time. Maybe they'll help you finish quicker. You want me to look at it? Lemme see. Er, the ceiling's too high, the hallway's too narrow, the stairway placement makes no sense. What the hell's this room made of? Pizza. Well, it's stupid. Next. What is yours made of? Pickles! Oh, don't be a baby! Michael, have you lost your mind? He's seven years old. If he wants a playroom made of pizza, then, why not?! Maybe he's gotta grow up and get the hell off Fantasy Island. Pizza boy! Life ain't about being creative, it's about kissing ass, making your boss a lotta money in hopes one day he might throw you a stinkin' bone. Alright? Yes, sir. Ammer didn't make you partner, did he? Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. But we'll get through this, OK? I promise. Jeez! Man, that's all we ever do is get through it. When is it gonna end?! (DOOR SLAMS) (CRICKETS SING) Pretty sweet, eh? Two queen beds, full kitchen, steam shower and satellite TV with surround sound. Why are you always trying to hurt me? One day I'm gonna hurt you back. Michael Newman, I didn't know you smoked cigars! And now's the time. No, Kathy, this isn't mine, I took it out of Kevin's hands. Yeah, he was smokin' like a chimney. No, I wasn't! I think I smell marijuana in it. Kevin O'Doyle, you get your ass in this house right now! I hate you! Are you deaf?! Move it! I don't wanna have to ask you again! Dope is for dopes, buddy! Get your ass in this house! UPSTAIRS: We don't have any other choice, guys. No fair! I don't wanna return my bike! We have to, honey. But Daddy gave 'em to us! Because he loves you but there was a mix-up at Daddy's work and we need to bring the bikes back. But I told Kevin I got a new bike! Well, we can paint my old bike and make it look new. That's a girl's bike! All the kids'll make fun of me! (SOBS) No! I wanna keep my bike! I can't take this any more. Fast-forward me to my promotion. So here's to Michael Newman, the greatest partner I could ever dream of. (ALL) Hear! Hear! Thank you. Thank you, guys. My family thanks you. I'm gonna do the best I can and I won't let you down. (ALL CHEER) Congratulations, Mr Newman. Congratulations. Thank you. How's it feel, killer? Incredible. You earned it. Not just cos of that Watsuhita project but for helping me pick up the slack now that I'm spending time with my special lady. Hey, Dinkie. (GIGGLES) You guys have been dating a couple of months now? That's pretty huge for this one. (BOTH LAUGH) No, the first few months were easy. It was the one-year hump that was the tough part. Her... inappropriate weekend with my brother in Cabo was a potential speed bump but Doctor Bergman helped us work through it, didn't he? Mm-hm. How's he doing for you and Donna? Dr Bergman? What do you mean? Oh, you know what, sweetie? It's none of our business. Let's let Michael bask in his glory. Cheers. Bask away, partner. (BOTH LAUGH) It took that bastard a year to promote me? What else did I miss? Did you need something? Who are you? Kirsten, your assistant. What happened to Alice? She moved to Accounting, couldn't handle your hours. And she prefers to be called Alan now. (ALL LAUGH) No! No! (LAUGHTER FADES) No! And who the hell's Dr Bergman?! Michael's making no effort to connect with me. No, I want to. I want to. I'm on autopilot. "I'm on autopilot." More like auto-zombie! Good one, Donna. "Good one, Donna"? Relax. Who is this bigmouth? Why can't you and I just talk? Why?! Because you're never home to talk to and when you are, you're just sitting staring off into space! I'm on autopilot! (BEEPING) Oh, my God, he's gonna answer his phone. What the heck happened?! I didn't even touch the remote! Great, you gonna start watching TV at dinner now? Oh, can we?! Samantha! My little angel! Look how long your hair's getting! When did you grow up?! Ben, get over here! Don't you worry, I'm not gonna work tonight. We're gonna watch Dragon Tales. Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad. I wanna watch CSI. Yeah, CSI! It's the episode when they find the lady's arm! What happened? I missed the whole Dragon Tales era? (DOG GROWLS) (GASPS) Whoa! Hey! Hello! (DOG GROWLS) Hey! What are you doin'?! Gimme my Twinkie! Get back here, you freakin' gremlin! Don't yell at Peanut. Where's Sundance?! Don't mention Sundance, the kids just stopped crying. About what? What happened? He died? No. (SOBS) Oh, no! No. No. No! The stupid idiot and soft fur! Daddy held it in so long. He was the best dog! He's finally letting himself feel it. One night when the duck's head was off,... (BAWLS) ..he tried to hump my leg and I didn't let him! And I should have and I'm sorry! What an idiot! Why?! It's OK. It's OK. What the heck did I do? I love you. Do you still love me? Oh, Michael! It's been... I'm really confused. No, no. No, I'll change, OK? I'll be a better man, I promise. Don't go, don't go. I'll stop working so much, OK? I'll be with you. Just stay with me. My God, it didn't take the duck long to get over Sundance. It's a little deviant but it's kinda turning me on. Yeah? Well, let's kiss and make up. (BEEPING / RAPID BEEPING) No! No! It's not my fault! It jumped on its own! I didn't even hit the button! (SIGHS) Not even close! Yes? (GASPS) (DOG BARKS) UPSTAIRS: Honey, what's going on down there? It's alright! I, er...! There was a mouse, I killed it! It's dead! But... it broke the table first! How did you get in here? I had a feeling you wanted to see me. I'm freaking out. This is broken. It's fast-forwarding on its own. It's not a malfunction, it's a feature. It's using its memory to execute your preferences. It remembers stuff about me? What do you mean? It's an advanced piece of equipment, like TiVo. You could call it MeVo. I fast-forwarded through sex one time, I don't wanna skip it forever. I like sex! Correct me if I'm wrong, but you fast-forwarded through an entire year. That's a lotta sex. Put it all together, that's, like, 30 minutes' worth for you. Oh, no, no! So everything I fast-forwarded, it's gonna do it on its own now? Pretty much. No more showering, no more traffic, no more arguing, no more sickness. This is bad. This is bad. You take it back. I'm deactivating my service. No! Thanks for everything, alright, but I... Yeah. You... This is not... Aw, don't be mean! (LAUGHS) Nice hat. No, no, no! No, no! No, no, no! (LAUGHS) Get away from me. Just get away. Get away. Leave me alone. Whoa! Is this a stick-up or are you just happy? (DOG WHINES) I'm gonna take my clothes off, then - I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's only one place left for it to pop up. Oh, no, no, I don't want that! C'mon, man. I told you, this item is non-returnable. (LAUGHS) C'mon, just take it. Until we meet again. Don't do that. C'mon, Morty. How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding?! No! (BIRDSONG) Morning, sweetie. Yeah. You wanna shower first? Yeah. No! I can't shower because then I'll fast-forward and if I fast-forward, who knows how long I'll fast-forward for? I'm gonna rough it today ` like in the old west. I wanna tell you what's going on but I think it might lead to an argument and we can't argue because off I'll go. So I'm gonna go to work and just try to figure this all out. You're going to work in your bathrobe? Ssh, honey. We can't argue, OK? You're right. I'm wrong. All the time. Want a kiss? I'll take a kiss. No, it might lead to something else and then another three minutes goes by, you're laying there disappointed. I wanna be with you every minute of my life and that's why I gotta leave. Have a great day. JAMES EARL JONES: 'Once again, Michael left Donna in bed confused and unsatisfied.' Shut up, James Earl Jones! 'No, you shut up, bigmouth!' # "Someday" - The Strokes # In many ways # They'll miss the good old days # Someday, someday # Yeah, it hurts to say # But I want you to stay # Sometimes, sometimes # Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth # Say I will try my best # You say you wanna stand by my side # Tables, they turn sometimes # Oh, someday # I ain't wasting no more time... # Michael. (GASPS) # Mr Ammer is here! # Your first day as a partner, you come to work in a frickin' bathrobe? I,... I did. I did. I just feel we should stop wasting our energy on corporate brown-nosing and worrying who's got the better suit. Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares?! Let's concentrate on what really matters, the work. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard... ..but, Goddammit, you're right! Life changing. I feel freer. Yeah. Keep the pants on. Oh. Sexual harassment, eh? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Speaking of life changing, there's something or, actually, someone I'd like to talk to you about. (SIGHS) Janine. Everything OK? Janine and I have decided to drop out of the rat race, slow down and move to Morocco. Morocco? Morocco. OK. Eric Lamensoff will assume my day-to-day responsibilities and I'd like you to take his job. But Eric Lamensoff is the head of the whole international division. I have been your partner one day. So? Every account you worked on turned into gold. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if one day you ended up being our CEO. Hey, I would love that but... (BEEPING) No! No, no, no! I don't want a promotion! (RAPID BEEPING) NO! "(BEEPING)" "Michael, you have a phone call." Michael Newman. "Word up, big guy. Ten years ago you told me you wanted to be CEO." "Great news, Eric Lamensoff killed himself. (LAUGHS)" "So you better stop with the junk food, Mr Chairman, or you'll end up killing yourself, too! (LAUGHS)" "(BEEPING)" "Opening virtual blinds." Ten years? How much worse can things get? (GROANS) (YAWNS) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God, I'm a fat guy! Look at me. (SQUELCHING) (GASPS) What is this? This is titties! I got,... I got juicy titties! What is that?! Oh, God, no! Just take me home. (BEEPING) "This is 1010 WINS News. February 5th 2017." "Britney Spears had her 23rd baby today. Proud father Kevin Federline says he's now considering getting a job. Also, Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself, is now suing himself for molesting himself." Donna! Donna! (PANTS) (MUSIC PLAYS ON TV) Can I help you? Hey, Dad. "Hey, Dad"? Ben? That's you? Look how big you got! You're enormous! Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the SS Fat-Ass! Really good for my self-esteem! Maybe if you would take me to Pilates like you said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell! Bring back the Twinkies! Dad, will you please stop yelling? It is so embarrassing. Is that my daughter? Mom, I'm going to Derek's! That's you, Samantha? When did you get boobs? The same time you did, Dad. Now, can I go? Who the hell's Derek? My boyfriend, the hottest boy in school. He's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down. You put some normal clothes on! Why are you so mean to me?! Now! And wipe off all that make-up! Right! (DOOR SLAMS) Is Peanut dead, too?! This one's got the duck doin' all the work. Donna! Donna. Donna. (GRUNTS) Goddammit! Look how gorgeous you look! I'm so scared! Knock-knock, gang. Hey, sweetie. Hey. Hey. What's going on? Donna and I were gonna get a hot chocolate. You want us to bring you one? You're cheating on me? With Johnny G-String? Mike, I thought we were past all that. No, no, no, we're past this argument, no big deal, it's just that you don't mess with ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE! Stop it! Stop it, Michael! Get off of me! You sticking up for him?! Go away! (BEEPING) No, we can't argue! We can't argue! I hate you! I...! Aw, man! You hate me?! (PANTS) No. No. Ten years, you're not finished yet?! Morty! Why did you do this to me?! You did this to yourself. (GASPS) No. No, I didn't wanna waste all that time! I didn't wanna lose Donna! The remote goes by your behaviour. Every time you had a conflict between work and home, work won. Not true! Lie to your wife, lie to yourself but you cannot lie to the remote. The remote is lie-proof. You can't change what happened but you're still a young man. A young, fat man. You could win Donna back. So that's what I'll do. Go for it, tubs. Hey, I saw what you did to the duck. Very good. Nice work. (PANTS) You'll feel that in a second. Alright, please. Please, just read my note. (BEEPING) I hate you! I hate you! Ow! Oh, my nuts! (DOG BARKS) Agh! (BEEPING / RAPID BEEPING) VOICEOVER: To and fro. Up and down. Forwards and backwards with new Schick Intuition f.a.b. Shave in both directions effortlessly. New Schick Intuition f.a.b. Free your skin. Michael, are you awake? Michael, honey, are you awake? Donna. Where did all my fat go? It was just a dream? A terrible, terrible dream. What's that, Michael? You had a bad dream? Did a fuzzy dog push me over? Erm... Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog? Yeah, if he hadn't knocked you on your noggin, you wouldn't have had the scan that found the cancer. I have cancer? No, you had cancer. You were the only person in the world to gain weight during chemo. That probably caused your heart attack. Heart attack? I thought they weaned you off the morphine. OK, since the head injury, you haven't been healthy a full day. When exactly did I hurt my head? When was it? Like,... six years ago? Six more years?! No! No! It skipped all my sickness! I'm going to go ask them to cut back on your painkillers. Don't go! What's this? That's not bad for your third liposuction. Ohhhh! One more tummy tuck should take care of it. Oh, it looks like a tongue... licking! Erm, look, I should go. Bill's waiting for me downstairs. Bill?! You're still with Speedo Torpedo? Whatever happened to forever and ever, honey? Forever and ever? Look, Michael, I'm trying to have a civilised relationship with you for the kids' sake. I really wanna be friends but I can't do that... Would you stop flapping that?! It's my flap, I'll do what I want with it! Are you done? Look, Bill's my husband. Please learn to accept that. I really have to go. Husband? Donna. No! Donna. Donna! DONNA! "Welcome to Newman Architecture." "Building a better world for all of us." "Architect of the Year, 2018." All your dreams came true, huh, moron? Dad. Hey, how you feelin'? Benjamin! Look at that. Look at what? Your face. Your skinny face! You're shaving now, huh, kid? Uh-huh. Your entire ass is gone. What happened? Good for you! Right, erm, my ass. Why don't we talk about it in my office? My old office. Ahhhh! The architect. How did this happen? Mom said you were still a little loopy. No, no, no, I'm feeling terrific. The weight, how did you do it? Staple treatment like your old man? You wanna have a flap fight? No, just working out with Bill five times a week. Same as always. Wow-whee! (WHISTLES) That's a looker! Blondie, big lips, chesty. Wow! Is that your girl? No, that's your daughter, Samantha. Of course it is. And you better always take care of her and make sure nobody touches her except you. Pop, I'm just getting ready for this meeting. Oh, oh, oh! OK. Absolutely. I'll take off for you. I'd like to spend more time together. All of us. Take you out for ice cream. How's that? I know your mother won't come but you, Samantha, Grandpa, Grandma. That'd be nice, huh? I knew something was funny with you today. Papa, take a seat. Let me get you a water, OK? What are we sitting for? Here you go, Pop, drink this. Alright, drink some water. There, I had my water. What's goin' on? Grandpa... died, Dad. He died a while back now. No, no, no. No, no. Don't say that. Where was I? (SOBS) You're crying? What happened? Nothin'. You know, he just... got old. That's life. Aw, shit! You're born and you live and you die. That's... (SOBS) Ah, man, I gotta go. Hey, hang on. Susie, push my next meeting. No, do your meeting. It's fine. I'm dizzy from the operation. You're gonna make me cry, Dad. You don't have to go. (SOBS) You look,... you look good. It's alright. Goodbye. (BEEPING) C'mon. C'mon. It won't take you there. Take me where? To the moment he died. You weren't there. Of course I wasn't. Can you take me to the last time I saw him, please? Hey, Dad. Sorry to, er, bug you. Would you mind looking at my shopping-mall design again? This one is cheaper but if you check this out, you'll see it has a - Cheaper one, like I said. Now, just let me do my email. Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Dad. He ain't right. You're a schmuck! Look at it! Surprise! Hey, Grandpa. Oh, my God! When did you get so handsome? Michael, I had a wonderful idea. Your mother's playing canasta tonight and I thought what a great opportunity, you, me and Ben should have a boys' night out. Can't. What do you mean you can't? You have to eat sometime. We could go and whistle at pretty girls. I'm down for that. See? He's down. I don't know what it means but he's down. Hey, please. Don't give me that finger. I'll make you a deal. If you come,... I'll show you the quarter trick. Look at the man! I'll tell you the secret. No, Dad. Don't you wanna know - I know how you do the stupid trick! I've always known! Can you let me do my work?! You've always known? You're pathetic. I'm so sorry I barged in. I love you, son. See you later, Grandpa. I love you. Dad. Pop. Pop. I love you, son. (BEEPING) I love you, son. I love you, son. I love you, too, Dad. I'll miss ya. You know that. Goodbye. I'm sorry about your father. Taking him wasn't something I wanted to do. What do you mean "taking him"? I'm an angel, Michael. An angel? I thought an angel was supposed to protect people. I'm the angel of death. Your dad, it was his time. You bastard. (GASPS) Alright, leave me alone! Leave me alone! You had your fun! Just take me to a good place! # The stars in the sky # The moon on high # The best things in life # are free # (ALL CHEER) And now it's time for Mr Newman to say a few words. (APPLAUSE) (WOMAN) Yay, Michael! (MAN) Go get 'em, Michael! Speech! Erm... Erm... Wedding cake. Wedding cake. (ALL LAUGH) Where's the groom? Show your face. Hi, Dad. Ben! I didn't miss my son's wedding! (LAUGHTER) Wow! This is terrific, buddy! Who's the lucky lady? (LAUGHS) Very funny, Mr Newman. (ALL LAUGH) Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old! (ALL GASP) No, no... I... She... I'm just playing, she knows that. (Ma.) Ben's wife, welcome to the family. Thank you. Congratulations. Let's have the best night, OK? (ALL CHEER) # Call me irresponsible # Call me unreliable... # Look at you, Ma. You look amazing. Awwww! Michael, you haven't kissed me like that since you were a little boy! You are the best, Ma. You know I know that, right? Oh, darling, that's so sweet! Mwah! You know, Michael, your father would have loved to be here. I know, Ma. OK? I'm just glad you're here. Aw, me, too, bubbala. Me, too. Me, too. It's beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Look at her. Donna, my favourite. You're such a schmuck for letting her go. But don't let me ruin your evening. I'll talk to ya later. Christina! Michael, you've been so generous taking care of all this and the kids' honeymoon. Absolutely. Thank you so much. Of course. Ben's wife seems like a nice kid, huh? I think she's wonderful. Definite keeper. (MIC) "Here's one you might remember from The Cranberries. (LAUGHS) Of all the songs, huh? Bill, since it's our son's wedding, do you mind if I dance with my ex-husband for a minute? Not at all. Thank you. Just have her back by midnight, alright, champ? You got it, Bill. (BEEPING) (BEEPING) (ALL LAUGH) Why does he have a bathing suit on?! Nice Speedo, buddy. # You know I'm such a fool # for you # You got me wrapped around # your finger... Still smelling good, huh? After all these years. (LAUGHS) Are you happy? Of course I'm happy. Our son just got married. Not about that. Are you happy about where our lives ended up? "Ended." It's not over yet. That's my Donna. It's true. That's Samantha? Yeah. Hey! What are you doin'?! Put a sweater on. Cover them up. What is with you? I'm... just kidding, honey. Just not used to seeing you all grown up like this. If that's your way of telling me that I look pretty, then, thank you. (BOTH LAUGH) Let's go and get some cake. I'll race you there, Dad. C'mon. Dad? Michael, are you OK? (GASPS) Is there a doctor?! We need a doctor here! # ..wrapped around your finger... Michael! Dad! Dad! It's just cornflakes. # Do you have to let it linger? # MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Working as the Dream team. Nice! Ah. The flirt. Classic! Cadbury Favourites. (MONITORS BEEP) (WHISTLES) One dance, you pop an artery. Why'd you make me waste my entire life? You were fast-forwarding through your life long before you ever met me. You lived the life you chose, big shot. This is not the life I wanted. It is. (BEEPING) Looks like it is. Hey, you're up. How are you feeling? I feel better now that you guys are here. Samantha's been here 36 hours. She said she wouldn't leave the hospital until you woke up. Why did you do that? Because you're my father. I thought Bill was your father. I have two fathers. One of 'em told me he was gonna live till he was 200. Remember? You both really need to get some sleep. Yeah. And I got a plane to catch. Big Ben's gotta go on his honeymoon. Actually, I cancelled the honeymoon. Kensington deal might be falling through, so I gotta go do damage control. No. Julie and I can go to Italy any time. That's not fair to your wife. Dad, she gets it. Keeping the business going is more important. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to leave. Alright. Bye, Dad. Ben. Ben. Bye, Daddy. "(RAPID BEEPING)" Ben. Ben. Ben. (BEEPING QUICKENS) Get this off of me. Whoa! Whoa! Hey, fella, you're a long way from walking outta here. I gotta see my son. You're not going anywhere. Get back into the bed. Isn't that Colin Farrell? Where? (GASPS) Michael,... those machines are keeping you alive. I gotta talk to my boy. Michael, stop. No. Michael, it doesn't have to end now. (THUNDER RUMBLES) Ben. (PANTS) Ben. Ben. (PANTS) Ugh! Ben! Ben! Ben! Dad? Dad?! Dad, what are you doing?! Are you OK?! Oh, my God! Help! Help! Dad! Dad! Help! Ben. Ben. Family. Family. Family. What? Family. Family. Family... comes... first. Family comes first. Honeymoon. Honeymoon. Honeymoon. I love you. Samantha. Samantha. Samantha. I didn't make 200 but... I love you. I love you. Bill. Bill. Bill. (PANTS) WHISPERS: I'm sorry. Michael. The note you wrote her, it's in your pocket. Forever and ever, babe. (SOBS) It's time to go. (CRIES) (RADIO PLAYS) Where am I? You're in Bed, Bath & Beyond, sir. I was just watching you sleep. You looked like you were having a crazy dream. What?! You're not supposed to lay in the beds but I do sometimes. I'm back in the store? I'm young again. I'm young again! Well, I mean, you're not young young. I'm young, you're kinda on the back nine. No, no. No, I'm just teeing off, baby. Look at you! You want a friend? You want a friend? Yeah. I'll be your friend, baby! I'll be your friend! I'll be your friend! Whoa! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Whoo! Yes! Oh, yeah! Yes, my crappy car! You mediocre, middle-class piece of shit! I love you! # "Ultra Violet (Light My Way)" - U2 Pop. Pop, Pop, Pop. Pop. There he is! There he is! What's wrong?! What happened?! Nothing's wrong! Everything's incredible! I love you. I love you. I love you so much. Tell me how you do the quarter trick. Please! A magician never reveals his secrets. However, if you invite us over for dinner more... You come over tomorrow night and any time you want. Stop, I'm gonna have a heart attack. Ma, thank you so much for giving birth to me. I know it hurt. You have no idea. But, honey, please, stay off the bong pipe. I can't promise you that. (SIGHS) OK. I'm up. What do you think? (SIGHS) If you massage me first. OK, let's go to sleep. (BANGS POT) UPSTAIRS: Mommy, Mommy! Mom, wake up! There's a crazy noise downstairs! What the heck is going on?! Ssh! Hey, do you mind?! I am trying to concentrate! Here I am staying up all night trying to come up with activities for our camping trip but you won't let me think! You want time to think? Why don't you think about the fact that you just woke...?! Awababa! What did you say? You heard me! If you keep up this weird attitude, I won't be able to go to work for a year and have to plan ten more vacations! Did you eat a bad Yodel? Gimme those big lips. Mmmmm! What's going on down here? Ben. Ben! Oh, my God, I missed you! I missed you! Look at you, boy! Mwah! I'm gonna finish the tree house! And from now on, we're gonna exercise together! Alright! Alright! And you! Nice jump! I love you! One day you are gonna be the hottest chick alive but you gotta have brains, so I'm gonna teach you calculus. You know calculus? Alright, your mother will teach you. Now, get your rest cos tomorrow we're going camping! I know! It's gonna be the best! Put a sweater on! OK, Daddy! Oh, and Sundance! Doggy years go by very quick, so it's time to enjoy the real thing. Yeah! Go get some, baby. (SUNDANCE BARKS) What are you doing? What are you doing?! No, go to Sundance, not the duck! Awwww! They told me at the pet store it was a female. They lied to me, I guess. Are you staying downstairs tonight? Why? That's getting you going? Er, nah. It's Fourth of July, I'm gonna... celebrate with my wife. Take my time, massage her, make sure she is fully satisfied. Hm. But it isn't the Fourth of July, it's only the second. Oh. That's even better. Happy 2nd of July, honey. I think I like this holiday. Yeah? I'm gonna go change into my Pocahontas costume. See you upstairs. I'll bring the duck. OK, I gotta call my dad and tell him to get the old tent ready. "Michael." "Like I said, 'Good guys need a break.'" "I know you'll do the right thing this time." "Love, Morty." "PS. Your wife's rockin' body still drives me crazy." OK, Morty. Hey, who wants to have a pillow fight? (ALL) Yay! # You've got the music in you # Don't let go # You've got the music in you # One dance left # This world is gonna pull through # Don't give up # You got a reason to live # Can't forget # We only get what we give # I'm coming home, baby You're the tops # Give it to me now # 4am we ran a miracle mile # We're flat broke but, hey, we do it in style # The bad rich God's flying in for your trial # But when the night is falling # You cannot find a friend # If you feel your dream is breaking # Just think # You got the music in you # Don't let go You got the music in you # One dance left This world is gonna pull through # Don't give up You got a reason to live # Can't forget We only get what we give # Don't let go I feel the music in you # Yeah, yeah, whoo # Fly # high # What's real # can't die # You're gonna get what you give # Don't give up You've got a reason to live... # # When I think of you tonight # I fly # And when I think you're losing sight # I cry # And when I think I can't go on # You turn me up and make me strong # You show me all the real moonlight # When I stumble in the dark # You care # And when I trip the light # And see you there # All my thoughts just come alive # When I look into your eyes # You could take me anywhere # Cos everybody loves the cool day sun # And everybody wants to have someone # Everybody wants to have some fun # Oh, yeah # Ah, yeah # And everybody loves the cool day sun # And everybody wants to have someone # And everybody wants to have some fun # Oh, yeah # Ah, yeah # When I wonder where you are # You say # "If you need a helping heart, I'll stay" # You can make me come around # Pick me up on the rebound # Turn me over when you're through # All I ever want is you # IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.