Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2018 "Mars surface ops, this is Houston. We're go for data." "Copy, Houston. Base pedal good. Remote pedal actuator good." "Both primary and auxiliary transponders A-OK." "Shunt voltage 30." "ESN uplink rate is now 61.101." "Copy. We'll see if we can better that for you." "It's our last pass. We need all the data we can get." "Stand by. We're getting a low current level here." "Voltage is down to... 185." "Here's our rock! 119!" "Beautiful. Ah! There it is again! Voltage down to 133." "Can you repo the solar array?" "Negative. MPC load is critical." "We're losing the signal..." "(STATIC)" "Roger that. Transmission terminated." "Well, people, congratulations." "We've collected data on over a dozen new rocks." "I'd say this was five years and three trillion dollars well spent!" (BRAKES SQUEAL) (HORN) Keep up! I want an exclusive on that shoot-out. I'll take it. Glad you could make it. Prescott? It's yours. I want it for the 6 o'clock. It's no good at 10. Get movin'! I want footage of that bank that got knocked off. And get that security camera's video tape. No tape, no story. Whatever you say, boss! I like him. And the Vandenburg shuttle launch... I know Vandenburg, Chief! Chief? Are you Clark Kent? Felix, it's yours. Get interviews! Take Brace. It's a good story for her. I usually produce Brace's on-camera segments. We're more than a team. Brace and I are... You and my daughter are what? Erm... Nothing. I didn't send her to all those fancy schools to marry the likes of you. I've got something that's right up your alley. A senior citizens' tanning contest. The Hawaiian Tropic Senior Cocoa Butter Class. I want footage of all the old farts baking, a piece on the dangers of sunbathing - something to fill time if my idiot weatherman runs short. Mr Channing! Excuse me. You hired me for my 10 years' experience as a newspaper reporter. I will go to the ends of the Earth to get a story, but I need a chance. You know, when I look at you, I see myself at your age. Really? And I was a moron! Uh-huh. You got nerve. I like that - ..sometimes. It's yours. B-B-But you said... Shut up! You won't regret this, sir. O'Hara! You screw up, you're fired! Clear? Yeah. Crystal! (PA) "T minus five minutes and counting." We're at Vandenburg Air Force Base, where... Cut. Cut! Brace, could we lose the gum? Billy! Billy! 'Scuse me, Sergeant. I love show business. Back to one. Same thing. Five, four, three,... "We're here at Vandenburg..." "We're here at Vandenburg,..." "Where..." ..where the shuttle Atlantis will soon launch. "Project Deadhead..." Project Deadhead has a sophisticated satellite... "..to study the Fiona comet." It has a guidance system which will allow it to pass near the comet. Yeah, yeah. Is Jerry Garcia on board? (What?) Is... Jerry... Garcia.... on board? "Is Jerry Garcia on board?" "Well,... yes, actually." Project Deadhead's payload includes the ashes of famous rocker Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. "How did you know?" (BOTH) It's my job to know. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, Lizzie. Go to Brace. OK, Brace. Here we go. Big wrap up. And so, on the night... On the night of the Fiona comet, we bring to mind its sole passenger, Jerry Garcia. I'm Brace Channing... "Brace Channing, KGSC. Thank you!" (God, you're beautiful.) (God, you're beautiful.) "God, you're beautiful." Agh! "Thanks. So are you." And we're out! "(I'd like a word with you.)" And I'm dead. Colonel? Yes. Look at this! The comet? Why? It's changing direction. Impossible. Isn't it the trajectory of our own satellite? It's just changed direction again. It's gotta be the equipment. It's gotta be the equipment. No, sir! Our back-ups verify all systems go! It... It's coming down. The satellite? The satellite? No. The comet! Go to general alert! Major, scramble the F-16s! Get SETI Group on the line. Show time, boys! We got ourselves a UFO! Excuse me! What's this? What's this? Captain Dalton's telephone number. Well, he's not my type, but... You made me look stupid! Let me explain... Wait until I tell my daddy. Billy! Wait. Come on! Look... Nice knowing ya. Nice knowing ya. Let us know where you end up. It wasn't a complete disaster. Compared to what? The Hindenburg? The Titanic? I'm sorry, pal. Thanks a lot. Sorry. (RADIO) "# Blues came knocking..." "Get your nose up! Hold on!" "(STATIC / INDISTINCT)" "We're going down! Mayday! Mayday!" Oh, not another ticket! Whoa! (BRAKES SQUEAL) Are you crazy? You could've totalled my car! Did you see it? What? A crash! A plane - a Stealth fighter. I don't know. It was so fast! A plane crash! Oh God, that's terrible. We don't have any video! The flash was over here. Wait for me! Wait for me! Humans... It's my story too, remember! What was that? What was what? This flicker, this light... Never mind. Tim? Wait! Ooh! These are really expensive shoes, you know! Where is it? It was this huge thing, it was... It was this huge thing, it was... It's creepy out here. Agh! Ow! Hee-hee! Tim? You got 30 seconds then I'm leaving! (MUTTERS) Ugh... Look. Oh! What's that? I dunno. I... dunno! Is this your idea of a joke? Is this your idea of a joke? I swear! It was huge! I thought you were one of the normal ones. I am one of the normal ones, normally. Ha, ha, ha! Nice try, Tim. You and me, alone on the beach, during a lunar eclipse. I didn't make this up! Here's a memento of our last date. We haven't had a first date! Consider this both. Brace. Brace! Hm! Urr... Arr... Nurplex. Ah-ah-ah ummmm! (ENGINE FAILS TO TURN) Ahh... Hu-mans! Come on, come on, come on! Hm-hm-hm. Ohh... Savages! (ENGINE STARTS) (ENGINE BACKFIRES) Tim! Tim! Oh! Mrs Brown! Too much lipstick? No! No, it's... It's just that you kind of appeared, that's all. I saved you my special brownies. Mrs Brown - brownies. Get it? Yes! That's good. Thank you. Did you see the eclipse? Wasn't it tres magnifique? Those French tapes are paying off. You noticed! Thanks for the brownies. Tim? There's a charity sale this weekend. Put anything you wanna donate in the garage. This'll be on top of the pile. This'll be on top of the pile. Oh... Night! Another thing I wanted to say... Oh, night, Tim! I'm having a baaad night. "Couldn't agree more." Shut up! "How do you do it?" (PHONE BEEPS) "O'Hara here. Make it short." "Channing here. You're fired!" "Short enough for ya?" "When you're right, you're right!" (COUGHS) (WHIRRING) (GASPS) (MOANS) Huh?! Stay where you are, Earthman, and you won't be hurt. "Wish I'd thought of that!" Hello? "When you're right, you're right!" Be silent! I told you to shut up. "Couldn't agree..." You leave me no choice! Who's there? I got a gun! Static! Aarrgh! Hey, buddy! Hey! Hey, buddy! Hey! (MOANS) Oh! Hey! That's it, earthling! It's alive! Brr-rr-rr! Agh! OK! You wanna play games? Slidin' through! Slidin' through! I must be going... Oogh! Nuts! (CHUCKLES) One strike, no balls! I'm over here, Tiger Woods! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Ain't no Jimmy Hoffa! Leisure suit from hell! Agh! Oh... I'm gonna... ..mutilate you! Show your face, if you have one! Huh? Where'd he go? What the heck was in those brownies? When dealing with primitive life, one must resort to primitive acts. You OK? Where were you? This alien tried to kill me! Don't be a wet blanket. Don't be a wet blanket. Leave my mother out of this, you... We'll end up on this carbon-based, miserable... (KNOCKING) Let me in! Another one! Another one! I know you're not asleep. It's Lizzie! (GASPS) Plotz! It's Lizzie! What's a Lizzie? I'd say a Model T Ford, but this one has better tyres! What do I do with it? I'm drowning! I need mouth-to-mouth! A saliva exchange! Such an unsanitary act. There must be other ways to feed a female. Let me in! If it was me, I'd be he. Good thinking! OK, Tim, I'm picking up the hidey key. I'm gonna open the door. Tim...? Lizzie! My dear friend or family member! Oh, my gosh. Oh! Inappropriate. Zoot! Zoot! I told you they cover their kling back here! My dear friend or family member! You sound funny. You got a cold? A cold? A virus? (DEEPER) Yes. Contagious. Plague! You should leave. What...? Are you a Trekkie? Er... Yes, I am. What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? You're not yourself. I'm Tim. No doubt about it! What's going on? What's going on? Plotz! Mmf! Mmm... (BOTH) Mmm! Lizzie! Lizzie! Yeah...? If you're my sister, an explanation is in order. Yeah... Does this mean that you and I are... Indeed! Now, I have work to do, and you need to go. Wha...? Human emotions! Human emotions! Crazy monkeys! (HUMS) * (SIRENS) Welcome, sir! Where's Coleye? Examining mucus-type protoplasm... Mm! Saline based! Good God, Coleye! Put that on a slide next time! Get this analysed and the cigarette tested for prints. I want to know whose this was! I want to know whose this was! There's more! Quadruped... becomes... biped?! It must have taken human form! The prints stop at the road. He may have been picked up. A crash, a spaceship,... an alien in human form... It's like the incident of '64! That is not only classified, it never happened! Got it? Yes, sir. Once again, we have no alien and no UFO. If you can't get me either one, look for another job! You heard! Move! It's out there! Move! And God help the poor soul who picked him up. Aaaaagh! Silence, subculture! Lemme down! Look what you did to me, barbarian! Lemme down! As you wish! Aaagh! (CRASH!) (LAUGHS) Ow! Ooh... For a thief, you are extremely clumsy. I'm not a thief! I'm not a thief! So I see! Tim O'Hara... You are a reporter. I'm a producer! Let me tell you... Ah! Agh! I didn't steal anything. What are you talking about? All right. Aargh! No! (COUGHS) Warning. Do not try to expose me. Martians use their whole brain, humans 10 per cent. We use more than 10. We use more than 10. Your astronauts pee in their spacesuits. Case closed. (GRUNTS) Look. Look, just... OK. It's just a dream, a very bad dream. OK. Come on. Wake up. Wake up! What's with that? I think it's called a nervous breakdown. Last night did not happen. I don't believe in aliens. I heard that. To us, you are the alien. I am from the planet you call Mars. And I'm from Uranus? And I'm from Uranus? I was getting to you! Don't get a crease in your scrutnik. Just introduce me to monkey boy. Just introduce me to monkey boy. This... is my suit. A polymorphic Zootanex 3000. Look. Don't touch. Your suit talks? Incessantly. Corduroy's worse. Whoosh, whoosh! Wait a minute. Er... There's no life on Mars. We've sent probes! I'd explain, but you still think E=mc2. You're still trying to analyse our rocks! Ha! Oh, blasted sand particles! They've crystallised the vortex generator. Do you mind? < (KNOCKING) Tim! Thank God. An eyewitness! You must tell no one! You must tell no one! Your ship is double-parked in my house. What a story! There is intelligent life in the universe! Not including yourself! Sorry to bother you so early, but I got your mail... Please. Come in here. Take a look at that! Agh! Tim, you need a maid. Oh! Hello. Greetings. Sorry to catch you in your... pyjamas. Pyjamas?! Where's the spaceship? Where's the spaceship? Right here. For the sale! Is there a doll, too? You're lookin' at him. We haven't met... Don't touch him. He's a Martian! M-Martin? Correct. Martin. No! He's... Uncle... ..Martin. Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you. He's invisible. His suit talks. He's got things... Show her. Give her the finger. Tim! No! I didn't mean that. I don't know what I mean. Forget it. He lost his job. He's experiencing a nervous breakdown. Poor dear! Will it affect the rent? (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) I'll look after him. HAH!! He's lucky he has you, Martin. Mrs Brown, you're a brilliant quasar in the black hole of my day. Call me Lorelei. Lorelei... The sound of pure... ..spring water from the earth's centre. Oh, my! Oh... Ooh! Ah! Oh! Oh! I obviously misconstrued a custom. I apologise. I'm from... ..New York. Actually, it's, it's... fine. It's perfect. Oh... Oh... Oh, brother! Oh, Martin? Yes, Lorelei? Er... Mr Brown passed away several years ago. I thought you might like to know that. Au revoir! A handshake will do for me. Do you think I enjoyed tasting that female's exoskeleton? I used my data to find the optimum way to avoid suspicion. What's the optimum way to get home? I don't know, Zoot. On this barbaric planet, how can we make an electron accelerator? Maybe your girlfriend has one. Maybe your girlfriend has one. Ha, ha(!) Er... Fellas, I might be able to help you find that electron... ..thing. We're toast. You really think you can repair your ship with this junk? Everything chosen has the potential to form an accelerator. Except the pooper scooper. I don't know what it does, but it's fascinating. Where are your nuclear-implosion couplers? For a garden hose? I'm never gonna get off this infernal planet. The IQ of a pancake! Humans? Amoebas! This, from a guy who talks to his suit. Hey! What was that for? Hey! What was that for? It wasn't me. It was Zoot! (CHORTLES) You've only been here 10 minutes! It's not so bad. That's what Neenurt said. Who? Exactly! Our most gifted scientist, gone without a trace. He came to Earth in 1964. Your government took him. I shudder to think about it! What are they laughing at? Hey, spaceman! I've been discovered! (BOTH GASP) Sorry about that! What happened?! They don't know! It was your... jacket. I am a very well-dressed Martian! Yo, Elvis! Sorry, Dorothy. You're not in Kansas any more. * The minute I turn my back you're in someone else's pants! (INDISTINCT) All right, all right! (SOBS) Martian footage... Take one. Zoot, this is tearing me apart! (SCREAMS) Pervert! It's not safe for a woman... I'm ready to blend in. Outstanding! That outfit looks ridi... Stylin', bro! Thanks, bro. Cool! I got that touch on two planets. I got to get out more. How did your Zoot take... He understands. Aargh! You used me, you buttonhole! (SOBS) Have your fling! Colours fade! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hello? Oh! Incoming! Damn... Oh, jeez! Talk about a tacky suit! Tacky, huh? Hyah! Hey! Wh...? Now turn the other cheek! Ow! Hey! Er... Catch you later, Spanky! All right. I'm bustin' out! Go ahead. Try them all. See if I care! Whoa! If love is a crime, lock me up! I'm guilty... Look at her! A perfect size six! And never been worn! Ha ha! Darling, don't speak. Just come to me. (CHUCKLES) It's crazy! I'm a polymorph, you're a polyester. You're synthetic, but I like that in a girl! Gimme some thread! Mwah! What's this? Velcro? Yeurgh... Zoot! Girl, I don't want your cookies! (GASPS) Have you no shame? Look who's talkin', Mr Clothes Horse! In! Or it's a long walk on a short hanger. Coming in for a landing! Flap down! (BREAKS WIND) Bag it! You don't have to throw me in the hamper. Whoo! Ha ha ha! Dork. Next time, the dry-cleaner. Bite these. (GASPS) You can't... Nurplex! Venus! Neptune! Visuorptoi! Help me, Tim! Entemada! Tim! It's a little blue one! Oh! Give me that, you age-impaired little... plotz! Mine! Gum! Mine! Nurplex! Mine! Nurplex! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Aaaagh! Why wouldn't you give the kid a piece of gum? Hah! OK! Sure, fine. You can have one. What are you doing? Trust me. Not the finger! Try some. Why? Try it! No! Afraid,... earthling? (MUFFLED) Not bad! It's got a nice little zing to it. It's got a nice little zing to it. Notice anything different? Mm... Not really. What time is it? What time is it? I, er... Aaargh! Oh! Oh! (SCREAMS) Oh! Spit! Spit! Spit! (MOANS AND WHIMPERS) Everything OK in there? Zipper trouble. Ee-yowww! This gum allows me to take on the outward appearance of a human. On you it has the reverse effect. That's what you look like? No! That was Flubian nurplex. Oh... We carry many planets. If you think that was bad, this is Venox Seven. Oh... Oh... Never mess with Venox Seven. When it comes to Venox Seven, just say no! # "Hot Hot Hot" # Your soul on fire, feelin' hot hot hot... Come on! The sun, when you can get it. The sand, the surf... The beach conjures images of youth, but at Sunset Pier, your contraceptions are... your contraceptions are... Preconceptions! "Contraceptions." "Felix!" I said preconceptions! I said preconceptions! I should have been a doctor... I hate this! Oh... I hate this! Oh... "Ooh..." Are we still rolling? Nobody said cut! What do you think? Your bathing suit should have a top. Oh! Cut! Cut! "Felix!" "Felix!" Grr! Felix is toast. Felix is toast. If Tim isn't here soon, we'll all be looking for work. Wait here. What is the meaning of this divergence? I gotta see some friends. I gotta see some friends. We're wasting valuable time... Look at that! Do you know how fortunate you are? Water on Mars has to be squeezed from rocks. Well, surf's up, dude. Well, surf's up, dude. Tim! I'm so glad you came. Martin! I gotta go... Lizzie! Nice to see you again. Have we met? No. How nice to see you again, for the first time. I'm Tim's uncle, Martin. (GURGLING) (GURGLING CONTINUES) I, er... (GURGLING) What was that? I must find nourishment. That was your stomach? Stomachs. Oh... (LAUGHS) He is such a kidder! I'll be with you in a minute. I'll be right over. We gotta get you, er... Ah! (GURGLING) Excuse me! Could I have a double-dip extra... Actually, a triple-dip choc chip? I need nourishment, not frozen lard! It's good! We eat it for breakfast. You don't try poison to check it kills! Here. Give me five minutes. I've got to go to the news van. Ooh, yecch! Felix! I said preconceptions! Unprofessional little man! You only have to come out with the dumb things I say! Billy! Brace! You'd rate this tantrum...? You'd rate this tantrum...? About 7.5 on the Brace scale. I'll talk to Felix. You never told me about your uncle. Are you...? I'm glad you're here. We must talk. This is big! I know. You do? I've been thinking. Our friendship means a lot to me. I don't want to screw that up. I don't want to screw that up. OK... We should pretend that nothing ever happened between us last night. What happened? Exactly! I'm not sure I understand... Me, either. I guess we're both a bit confused, huh? Agh! Easy, easy! I thought you were her. She's terrible. She's high-maintenance, but OK. Lust is blind! Where's that hidden camera? Er... You're sitting on it. Why? Let me help. Please! The words are too big. Humidity? Hot. Hot. Oh... Oh! "They're terrific! If I were only 40 years older, I'd be with them"! Miss Channing? Could I have a word with you? OK... I've already signed it! Come on. Who are you guys, huh? (SCREAMS) OK, you're all set. Where's Brace? I dunno. She took off. She'll attack from the plane! What's going on? Put that in my car. I gotta go. Put that in my car. I gotta go. Call me! Martin! Whoa! Oh, I like it! Martin! Huh?! Tim! You're here! You've got to save me from myself! It's intoxicating! Cookie Dough! Let's get you back to the home. All he gets is Jell-O! Here we go... Cookie Do-o-o-ough! You got ice cream all over you! * Martian footage,... take two. (MOANS) (GROANS) Hangover? (CRASH!) Sorry! I'll never touch that stuff again. One scoop's too many, a million not enough! How's it coming? I converted two elastic bands and an Acme Bug-Away insect bomb into a temporary accelerator. "Is it working?" "Is it working?" "No, but your garage is cockroach-free. Blasted rental!" It's a rental? My ship's having its mid-millennium tune-up. Where's your, er, suit... thing? Oh, washing up. WOW!! Spin me, Momma! # So nice! So good! Five minutes, then into the dryer. Five minutes, then into the dryer. "You bringin' me down, man!" What I wouldn't give to shed this grotesque human face and let the cool Earth waters caress my Martian skin! So, why don't you? Indeed! Move over. N-No! I meant in the hot tub out back. It's private. "Spit out my nurplex and revert to Martian form outside?" "Exactly!" "Exactly!" "Pssh... Do you think that's safe?" Yes, of course. I'll do it! Let's go. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Tim! Yeah? Thanks. It's a hot tub. No big deal. Not just that. I've created havoc in your simple life since I arrived. I just wanted to say... thank you. Yahoo! "Hello?!" "Will somebody please come and tell me what's going on here?" All right, Miss Channing. Do you know what this is? This has been identified by my team of experts as your cigarette! It was discovered at the site of a UFO crash. And on it are trace elements of what we believe to be alien DNA! Alien? Alien? Oh, don't play dumb with me! You are an alien inhabiting the body of a woman! A very,... very attractive woman. Ugh, please! We've run the test on the other cigarette. It's human DNA. Oh. So sorry. An honest mistake! So, Miss Channing, er... Have you any idea how alien DNA got onto your cigarette? I might. Let's talk about what's in this for me! The safety of this entire planet may depend on what you say to me. There's nothing in it for you! Gah! Dr Coleye...! May I call you,... er, Doctor? Think! When this story breaks, you will be history's most famous scientist! You'll be on the cover of Scientific... whatever! You will be the man who proved that aliens exist! And I will be the woman who tells the world your story. (We'll do it... together.) OK! (STERE0) # "La Donna e Mobile" (SINGS OFF KEY) # Muta d'accento e di pensiero # Sempre un amabile, leggiadro viso # In pianto o riso, e menzognero # La donna e mobile qual piuma al vento... # Muta d'accento... Tim? What are you doing up there? What are you doing up there? Uncle Martin's in the hot tub, and I'm... watching. Oh! # E di pensier What a strange family! # E di pensier! # You can sleep here. You guys do sleep? Oh, most definitely. We got something in common. You're very kind. No, just tired. No, just tired. Aah! Enjoy your rest cycle. I'll do the same. I could use a little shuteye. I could use a little shuteye. So could I! Oh... Rise and shine!! Agh! You've lost one half of the day! You've been asleep for 30 seconds! 30 seconds?! Wow, I really was tired. Ohh... What are we waiting for? There's a whole world to be discovered! In the middle of the night? No time like the present. Hello! Why aren't they open? What's wrong with this planet? They don't open till 10. They don't open till 10. I'll be first in line. They won't let you in, after the stunt you pulled yesterday. (WHIRRING) We call that breaking and entering. Ahh, the smell of moist air! I'll never forget this. Your ocean! Ice cream! This primitive planet may not compare to Mars but it's not such a rotten rock. We're being followed. We're being followed. Impossible! My sensor would have detected that. Now it's working. Hey! Hey, buddy! I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Calm down. It's probably some tourist. If you did get caught, you'd be welcomed. Where do earthlings put their most beautiful and rare animals? If I don't get that spaceship fixed, I'm finished! Can you fix it? I'm dyin'! Maybe a drink is what I need. Hah! Yeah... Down the hatch. Oh... Ah... What's that? What's that? What in blazes...? What is it? (GASPS) Oh, PLOTZ!! Zoot! An ISS! Aaaargh! Aaah! Aaah! Aaagh! Ohhh! "Blasted rental!" "Wow! Spin me, Momma! # So nice! So good!" God, Martin. What are you...? (RINGING) (RINGING) Tech department? "It's me." Oh, hi! "What you doing?" "What you doing?" Er,... research. Have you ever decided how you felt about somebody, then something they did changed your mind? Yeah, I... Would you come over? "I really need to see you. It's important." Sure. Can you give me a half an hour? You're the best. You're the best. OK. See ya! Gosh! (SIGHS) (MOANS) Ohh! Martin? I'm not like you. I need more than 12 seconds of sleep. All I need is one lousy electron accelerator for a vortex generator but can I build it? No-o-oo. You just got to give yourself time. Time? I have no time. I just discovered that this blasted rental is equipped with an ISS! What? Interstellar Safety System. A detonation mechanism, designed to keep our ships out of the wrong hands. Its timer activates if you crash. I heard detonation in there. If I'm still here at 9pm, you'll hear it. Hear what? Hear what? Bang! Uh-huh. Gublik! Er... (BURPS) Ahh! I know you've done your best to help. It's no use. Oh no! I'm sinking into a Martian depression! (GASPS) We gotta fix this thing. (SOBS) I'm falling apart, Tim. No, you're not! Ohh... Yes, you are. On Mars, when we get depressed, we really fall apart. OK! Don't move! Don't make it any worse! I'll put you back together. I'll put you back together. (SOBS) Does it screw in? It's not... It's... Agh! I wanna go home! We'll put our heads together. Aargh! < (KNOCKING) Coming! Coming! Who's that? Lizzie. Lizzie?! You wait here. Where are you going with those? Just tidying up! Give me back my arms! Why do I have to die here? Ohh... Hello? Yoo-hoo! Don't move. Ti-im! Anything here strike you as odd? Tim? Just a minute! Be quiet! Coming! Lizzie? Oh! Br-Br-Brace! Are you decent? Oh! Yeah! Yes, I am. What a surprise! Get lost! What? I'm lost. I mean... (LAUGHS) I'm at a loss for how beautiful you look. Mwah! Hey! Argh! Will you let me make it up to you? You don't have to do that. I mean... That's... I brought you a peace offering. Where are your wine glasses? That's the bedroom. Maybe I'll get the tour later. Maybe I'll get the tour later. < Don't miss the bathroom! Sorry? Sorry? I have to go to the bathroom, later. Glasses are in the kitchen. I'll go get them. You make yourself at home. OK! Fantastic apartment! Thanks. Ah! There we go. What a slob! # "Let's Fall In Love" - Louis Armstrong Agh! Oof! Cut it out! Ooh! Ooh... Mm, that's the spot. Ooh... Yeah... Mm... Ooh, no. No, harder, like before. Ah... Where's the wine? Er... (I'll get it.) I asked Daddy about giving you another chance. Oh, good! Here we go. Lovely. Thanks. Mm. You know, I thought that crash of yours might make a cute story. Really? Good! Ow! Ow! Cut it out! What was that? What? Tim, get rid of... Ooh! Oh, oh! Are you all right? Yesh. I guessh I have to go to the bathroom. Hurry back! Just be a minute! Tim! Get me outta here! Stop making all that noise! Tell her to stop punching me! Why have you let her in your apartment? I've been waiting for this! You like Lizzie! I could tell through your saliva exchange. When you were unconscious, Lizzie came here! You kissed her?! You kissed her?! Yes! No! Well,... you did. I did an identiclone of your body. You what?! You what?! You people think e-mail's amazing! The point is, I tapped into your subconscious. Trust me - you like Lizzie. So you kissed her! You did! (GASPS) Bingo! Tim? I let myself in the back door. Hello? Oh, isn't this nice? Lizzie? Is that you? Oh! You look, er,... nice. He's in the bathroom. He's all yours. I've got what I came for! * Oh, great(!) You don't have much time. Everything was fine until you came. Don't kid yourself! Even your substandard species has feelings. Slow down for a second and look into your heart. Whose face do you see? Look, Brace... Lizzie?! Lizzie! Wait! No! Please! This better be good. It is. Remember that guy I was with at the pier yesterday? Uncle Martin. Uncle Martin. He's not my uncle. He's a Martian! Yeah! You are such a jerk! He's a Martian! It's the truth! He kissed you, not me. Really? Yeah! His head's in my sink. Oof! Get some sleep. You look awful. If that tape was kinky, make Brace give it back! Fine! Since when did I become a mechanic? Do I look like overalls? Uncle Martin! Don't cut the red one. Or was it the blue? Agh! I can't see a thing down here! Oh, thanks. (BUZZING) Ow! (BOTH) Aagh! Put a sock in it! Quiet! The baby's sleeping! Martin, we got to get to the TV station before Brace. Open the bag! I can't breathe! Where's that confounded Zoot? Er... Zoot? Zoot! I think he's in a spin cycle. Leave him! Quick! Get my arm out of the other bag! OK! OK? Excellent! Toward the ship! Higher! Higher! OK! Yes! Easy... Oh, no! Stop! Aaagh! Don't send us to the shrink! Oh! What was that? Uh-oh! It's the most amazing footage I've ever seen. O'Hara's tapes are going on the 6 o'clock. Call the network! Brace goes live with the story of the century! (TYRES SQUEAL) I'm feeling carsick... Ow! I'm feeling carsick... Ow! Sorry! I can't take it any more! I can't take it any more! (GASPS) Pull yourself together! Why? We're doomed. Without my accelerator, the ISS will blow! I feel like a hacksaw murderer. What is an electron accelerator? What is an electron accelerator? A low-amp power source that works the thrusters. Like an alternator? What? Turns over a car engine. A car? That's it! Saved! Not quite. Whoo! I've been video-taping you. I got everything. The ship, Zoot, you as a Martian... I was gonna get it on the air, but I couldn't. Why not? Why not? Because I like you, Martin. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you. You're a good human. Oh, yeah...(!) You're back! I like you too! I've never had feelings! Let's go fix my ship! We got a problem. Brace goes out with the Martian story in 5 minutes. I've got to get to her before she goes on the air. You can't be in two places at once! Wait! Come on! Is there an alien amongst us? Is there an alien amongst us? Is there an... Billy! Now what? Now what? I want to be Brace Channing. Get in line. I really don't have time... (GASPS) Quaint, huh? These days our young are born cable-ready. You're... (GASPS) Daddy! Aargh! "4 minutes to air! First positions!" Tim! What are you doing here? You look tired. I've been working on Brace's alien story. I made mistakes in tape two. That's the correct version. If I can get through this without having to look in a mirror... Hmm... (GROANS) Tim! Martin! Is that you? Does a wild bear waltz in the woods? Good. Read your copy. Go! Hi, Brace! Congratulations, Brace. Yes, I'm Brace Channing! Yes, I'm Brace Channing! Let's hear it for Brace! (WHISTLING) Doctor, you're gonna be famous. Ready camera one live... "The news for Southern California, with Howard Greenly and Brace Channing!" What is she wearing? What is she wearing? You know Brace. Must be trendy. "15 seconds, people! Sweetie-pie..." Get rid of the gum. Billy! Mmm! Leave it! The gum! No! Ready camera two? Live in five! The gum! No! Four! No! Leave it! Three! GET THE GUM! "Are there aliens amongst us?" "This report comes live..." It's out! Thanks to you, Felix! "And now, Howard Greenly and Brace Channing." "And now, Howard Greenly and Brace Channing." And cue Howard. Good evening. I am Howard Greenly. What's up with her? I don't know. What's up with her? I don't know. (MOANS) In California, our own Brace Channing has been following events. "Brace?" "Huh?" What is this? Howard... Camera two! Argh! Brace? Brace? Read the copy! Just get the nurplex! What's goin' on? What's goin' on? Is there an alien amongst us? It's OK. According to Dr Coleye, head researcher for the SETI Group, The answer is... Agh! (MARTIN'S VOICE) Yes. (MARTIN'S VOICE) Yes. She's an alien! She's my daughter! You're about to see actual footage of the alien, but I warn you, its appearance is quite unexpected. She's going under the table. UNDER THE TABLE?! Not for children... Go! "# Feelin' hot hot hot!" What is this?! The tapes are mis-labelled! Got it! Go back live! What is he doing with my daughter? I-I don't know! (ALL SHOUT) Aaagh! Aaaargh! You're a dead man, O'Hara! I think that went pretty well! Mmmm! all right! Search everywhere! Boy, her head was dark and empty! There they are! There they are! Mmmm! Wait! I think Miss Channing may have been contaminated by the alien. I'm just going to give her a quick examination. Mm-mm! Mm-mm! I'll just be a moment. There we go. Am I forgetting something? Oh! There it is. Mrs Brown! Waaah! Oh, this is great! Oh, this is great! I'm gonna hurl! This will make some kid happy, if he's got a buck or two. Hey, Mrs B! Hello! Zoot! Plotz! My ship! We only have two hours before it explodes! I'll check upstairs. Hurry. Zoot! Zoot? Where are you? Plotz! You're not Zoot. I'm not leaving Earth without Zoot. Tim! Not upstairs. Not upstairs. What's a ru-ma-gie sale? Rumagie sale? Ruma... Rummage! Mrs Brown! Looks like we got company. After them! Hang on! I repeat... Give me that. I want a roadblock! We'll never lose them! Can't you drive any faster? Trouble! Maximum thrust! Stand on it! We're gonna CRA-A-A-ASH! I think not! Waaaah! Shoot it! They're shooting! Get in that garage! What garage? There! What garage? There! Hang on! Aaagh! Ohhh! Tim! Why are we stopping? They're right there! Gah! Get me that! We're gonna flush 'em out! I dropped it! My molecular compressor! Here. Use this. This won't work! Use it to find it! That'll do very nicely. Now get it in there! Aaargh! Mess! Ah! I found it! Ah! I found it! We've got them now! Tim! I see it! Whoa! Faster! Faster! It's getting closer! I'm going as fast as I can! Not enough! (BOTH YELL) Up ahead! We're trapped! Make us smaller! We're not gonna make it! Hang on! Are we clear? Whoa-ho! I think we're clear! I see light ahead! (BOTH) Who-o-o-aah! Where the heck are we? < Where's my new Field And Stream? < In the bathroom, where you left it. Yeah, I see it now. And where's my tuna sandwich? You want it in there? You want it in there? (GROANS) Why'd I eat that fourth burrito? Uh-oh... (GRUNTS) # "Theme from 2001, A Space Odyssey" # "Theme from 2001, A Space Odyssey" (PARRRP!) Do it. Do it now! Huh? Oh! Agh! Waaaagh! * Go! The police say a car just came out of a toilet at Woodlawn. (ENGINE RATTLES) Mrs Brown! Pull over! Pull over! We need to talk! You get the alternator, I'll get the ship. OK! Oh, my goodness, Martin! What's wrong? You have something I need, desperately. Don't say that unless you mean it. You have no idea. I'm from another... world. Well, I could've told you that. Mmf! Martin? Martin, come on! When you look at the stars, think of me. (GIGGLES) Oh! Ooh... Feelings for an Earth woman? Get me off this planet! I don't have the right tools... Whoa! Or we could do it your way. Wait! Your vehicle will not work! I know how much it means to you. That's too bad. Just had the darn thing washed, too! (BOTH LAUGH) (GIGGLES) That's good! Martin? Martin?! Direct hit! Direct hit! Uncle Martin?! (MUFFLED) Hey! You don't know what you're doing! Hey! Don't mess with that spaceship! It's gonna explode! Narrow the beam. Intensify it! Aagh! We're in here! We're in here! Stop it! We're gonna die. We're gonna die. Die?! And I'm still virgin wool! It's OK. I'm scared! Hold me! Oh... This is nice... Easy... Ah! Fascinating. Ah! Fascinating. Doctor! It appears to be some sort of biomechanical transmitting device. There's some chewing gum wedged in his molar. Leave it! Don't pester me. He's got a radio station inside his skull. Put this under the microscope. Oh, Armitan's gonna eat his words! The perfect ending to an already-perfect day. He's pale. He's reacting to the tranquilliser. 2ccs of adrenaline, stat! I think we're losing him. Hey! He-e-ey! Nothing. Nothing. Try it again. Full power! He's pointing. Pick it up. No! That one! Yeah! Yeah. This! Do this! YES!! Get back! Whoa-oh-oh! No, no! Oh... Tim! Back off! Gimme that dipstick! You get Tim, I'll scare the locals. Grraaagh!! Let's go! No one takes me on! My zipper is stuck and I'm mad as hell! Lizzie! Tim! Are you OK? Fine. Are you OK? Yeah! We got to find Martin. We got to find Martin. Yeah! Back off! You heard me. This is gonna explode in 20 minutes. It is? Down! Now. Excuse me. Arnold? Jean-Claude? GRRAARGH! Not working! It's an empty suit! It's an empty suit! Empty suit?! Now you've done it, grasshopper. Boxing? (LAUGHS) You should be boxing groceries! That tickles, you big ox! Are you one of the Spice Girls? (BELLOWS) Beavis down, Butthead to go. Bet you peed your bunk in summer camp! (SCREAMS) Agh! Argh... Tim! Oof! Agh! (GROWLS) Uh-oh! This is gonna hurt. Lizzie! The ship's gonna explode! The ship's gonna explode! Venox Seven. Chew this! Agh! Ohh! Graah! Rrraagh! Aaagh! (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (BURPS) Uh-oh! Did you do something with your hair? Did you do something with your hair? Glad you noticed! Whoa! Ah! I liked you better the other way. I liked you better the other way. Oh, really? That can be arranged! That can be arranged! No! Where are Martin and Zoot? (MOANS) No! Come on. Come on! Doctor, he's gone. Not until I say he's gone. Back off! Back off! Recharge the paddles. We're charged. Clear! Come on, Martin. Come on, Martin. Oh, damn! There's no pulse. All right, all right. I'm calling it... 8:15. We're too late. We're too late. 'No... Hurry!' Shall I do the autopsy, Doctor? Are you insane? Get out of here! All of you idiots, you... Get out. Fools! Come on. OK... I'm sorry, little Martian. Have it your way. Let's open you up. Assistance, Doctor? What? No! Wait. You're... She came with me. Clear! Eeee... Must... be together. Zoot! (LAUGHS) Martin?! Martin! Tim! Lizzie! You're... You're... Breathin'! I still got the touch! You're beautiful! Martin... Could cotton do that, huh? Could cotton do that, huh? Martin. Martin! We don't have much time. Plotz! * (SIRENS) (PA) "All units, stand by for total lock-up." Martin, can you get the lock undone? Come on! (PA) "All non-security personnel report to the holding area." Stay down! Here's a place! All right. Stand back, you two! What's this? Where's the alien? There's a problem. Open that gate! Yes, sir! Right away. Let him through! Here. There! Contact! There! I think that's going to work! I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you. (SOBS) You, too, Zoot! You're full of starch! Show your feelings! You're my best pal! (SOBS) He's such a baby blanket! Stop it! Ahem! Lizzie, my dear friend. my dear friend. Take care of you, Martin. I've done that before. It's nice! I highly recommend it. Good luck! Something tells me you're gonna miss your flight! Then, in two minutes, we all die! Then, in two minutes, we all die! You're lying. Are you certain about that? I'm not. What are you saying? Release him. Release him?! I've spent my life proving aliens exist. He's my proof! Dead or alive, he's staying with me! Whoa... Whoa! Aagh! Martin? I don't understand! I... I... Coleye, you always were a little plotz. What?! Neenurt! I haven't heard that name pronounced properly for a long time. You mean it was you all along? I can't believe it! You're a Martian! I was... Ooh! Agh! Argh! Ee-yow! Agh! Ugh! Wait! You're the one I saw at the pier! I had to get to you. I've waited 30 years for a ride home! What a beauty! Oh, by the way, these belong to you. My antennae! I can't do without them! It's hard getting dates as it is. Mine never works! Everything's in black and white. It's always plop, plop, fizz... (GROANS) That gum lost its flavour in '66. All right. Let's go, let's go. Farewell. Come back for a visit sometime. Maybe. I'm beginning to see potential in you earthlings! But you'll never really advance until you take care of your oceans and do away with daytime talk shows. Goodbye, you crazy lovebirds! Don't be a hysterical housecoat! See you, Zoot! (STEREO) "# Rollin' rollin' rollin'..." # Grr... Aliens! Grr... Wa-a-a-it! No! Please! No, don't! You can't go! Come ba-a-a-ack! No-o-o-o! Argh! Argh! (SQUELCH!) What the... Ee-eww! Gum! But this is the alien gum! Yes! I wouldn't do that, if I were you. Well, you're not me, are you? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Mm! I can learn more about them from their leftovers... Ah! It's brilliant! I can feel every molecule of my body starting to change! (CACKLES) (PLOP! PLOP!) Oh, no... Hold it! Don't move. No! Stop! Get the tranquilliser gun! Not that, idiot! I'm not a Martian! Tranquilliser gun! We got one! A Martian! No! No! No! (ZIP!) (ZIP!) Ow! "We won't leave until they listen. We've got proof!" "An alien cloned my body! He could be anywhere!" "The truth is out there!" "That's the story from Santa Barbara City Hall." "I'm Gil Randall, KGSC." (ALL) "Martians! Martians!" Hey, sleepy. (GASPS) I brought you some tea. I've been thinking. I don't really know what happened between us. Maybe we should go back to the way things used to be. Our friendship really means a lot... Well, I been thinking, too, and I've got other friends. < (ENGINE ROARS) (CAT YOWLS) One giant leap for Man, one step backward for Martians! Zoot? Zoot? We're back! (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) Zoot! Call a skycop, for cryin' out loud! What's wrong? What's wrong? Nothing! We've decided to stay here with you! What?! I was gonna be lonely without you and you were gonna miss me. I've saved us the pain of separation! Ya-hah! Whoo-hoo! Martin! I can't miss you if you don't go! Exactly! Isn't it wonderful?! Farewell! Wait a minute! Where's he going? To Mars, of course! (CHUCKLES) But... Martin? Martin! What are you doing? Since we'll be living together, let's fix this furniture. Let's buy a hyperbolic resting table like a normal being. You're not staying. Who wants ice cream? I like praline! Pralines! Oh! You haven't seen him eat ice cream. It's not pretty! Rocky Road! Rocky Road! Rocky Road! Whoa! He doesn't sleep, he doesn't let me sleep... I can't have a Martian for a roommate! I can't... Ah, maybe I can. Zoot! We got Cookie Dough! Want some? Zoot? Where are you? Bartender? A mai tai, please. Ahh! Victoria's Secret. (CHUCKLES) You people know how to live! Lycra! Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2018