Sam, we're getting stray gammas every half-pulse at irregular intervals. Let's move to right ascension 23 hours, 5 minutes. Sam, what is this?! Sam, what is this?! Alpha Orionis is going supernova. Thursday. Excuse me? It's going supernova Thursday. If it were about to go supernova, there'd be silicon flashes. Yes. Even in daylight we'd see ` You predicted this?! Sam, I know you're busy, but it's almost noon. Carl, it's almost noon! Carl, it's almost noon! Noon, everybody! Let's go! What?! What the...?! (EXCITED YELLING) What are you doing?! You're pointing it down! There's this other phenomenon Sam gives priority to at noon. Now?! Now?! Every day. What could be more important?! This event isn't strictly celestial. (INAUDIBLE) (ALL SING) # I love you, said the little blue man # and scared me right out of my wits! (CHILDREN YELL GOODBYE) What's up? Remember they were picking a teacher to represent the area in New York? New York ` you? New York ` you? Yeah! That's great! Sam, don't look at me like that. It's only two months. I'm not going to the moon. It's a long time. You could come. You could come. You know I can't. You could take time. You never want to go away and see the possibilities. Everything I wanna see is right here. You, the sky... Sam... I went to school in that building right there. I hung upside-down on this jungle gym. In 20 years, I haven't moved an inch. I fell in love with you on this jungle gym. Sam... You know how much I wanna do this, but I love you. So if you tell me to stay, I'll stay. Stay. (THE LEFT BANKE) # And when I see the sign # that points one way # The love we used to pass by every day # Just walk away, Renee # You won't see me follow you back home # The empty sidewalks on our block are not the same... # Just walk away, Renee... Here. Hoist it up. It's gotta be higher! Much higher! Higher. OK, then. (WHISTLES) Mr Green! What are you doing here? I was on my way to the airport. C'mere, Sam. Linda! Is Linda all right?! Sam, listen to me. Love can sometimes be very difficult. Listen up. "Dear Sam, this is the hardest thing I've ever done." "I'm sorry I don't have the courage to do it face to face`" "I'm sorry I don't have the courage to do it face to face`" What is this? "I'm sorry I don't have the courage to do it face to face`" She left you. This is her Dear John. "It's not you, Sam. How can I make you understand?" "Your life is set. You have the stars and your friends, but I feel... "..I'm just finding out what mine's about." "Oh, Sam, so many emotions are surfacing as I write this." Where is she?! She thought it best if you didn't talk for a while. Let me finish! "You're my best friend in the world, Sam." "So you must know this is how I am. I can't help it. It's my nature." It's true, son. She's nuts. Where are you going? I'm not done. The best part's coming. (TRAFFIC NOISE AND BUSTLE) (US3 # "Tukka Yoot's Riddim") (HORNS BLARE) No. Would you mind checking? No. Walk down and to the left. Thanks! I hope I'm doing the right thing. You are. Thanks. (CAR ALARM BLARES) (BUZZING CONTINUES) (STILL CONTINUES) < Honey! < Honey! < (MAN) Oh, no, what is it?! < Can you get that? < Can you get that? I'm taking a nap! I'm in the bath! (STILL BUZZES) I HEAR YOU, GODDAMN IT! (CRASH) I HEAR YOU, GODDAMN IT! (CRASH) Are you OK? Why's the table here?! This better be important! You're ruining my beauty sleep! Get your finger off that buzzer! (YELLS) What is it? Bonsoir! What is it? Bonsoir! Hello?! Is there a problem here?! Who is it? (STILL BUZZES) (STILL BUZZES) Merde! (INDISTINCT FRENCH SWEARING) (MOTORBIKE APPROACHES) (ENGINE REVS) > (CRASH/CLATTERING) (GRUNTS) (CLATTERING) (WOOD SNAPS/CRIES OUT) (CRASH) (GLASS CRUNCHES/METAL CLATTERS) (CRASHING/MUFFLED CRIES) OK! Morning, everybody (!) Morning, Linda. Morning, Tarzan. We are... ..six minutes later than yesterday. That's six, carry the two... Good. Ah, there! See that? Medium smile, no teeth. Don't forget the vase. Gotta get it perfectly centred. There? No. No, there. No. Good! Yeah! Oh, one more. Why not? (LAUGHS) Annoying, isn't it, honey? Yeah. Yeah, grin all you want, monkey man! All you are is a passing meteor shower. You'll be gone soon enough. I feel sorry for you, you poor bastard. (WHISTLES) 'Hey, Carl, it's me, Sam.' Calm down. I'm OK. I'm still in New York. 'Oh, we're great. Linda's very happy.' 'Yeah, we may stay a while.' 'We're very busy. There's lots to do.' Listen, Carl, I need you to sell my truck. Whatever you can get. I'm just a little short of cash... (ENGINE REVS) (ENGINE ROARS) No, I'm still here. There's something else I need, and Prof Wells needn't know. Hey, Linda. How you doin'? Hey, you wanna hear something funny? I saw this on the news before I came out. Fainting goats. Really. There's this breed of goats... I don't know why, but they faint at the slightest thing. Like if they hear a loud noise or a gun goes off, boom! They just black out, fall over. One after the other, bam, bam, bam, bam! Yeah. See, I thought you'd like that. Come on, get off. Get off! (SIGHS) I don't even have a chart for that. Get over here! Gotcha! (MOVEMENT) > Hey, go away! Hey! I'm warning you! I have a gun! Oh, shit! What the hell are you?! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you want?! Who are you? I asked a question! I live here. What do you want? Hmm. I asked you a question! Hey! Don't touch that! Get away from that! HEY! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?! (Ssshhh! They'll hear you.) Who? What are you talking about? I'm talking about your little Goldilocks and my ex-fiance. Whoa! Are you saying that that guy, that thing over there...? What's your name? What's your name? Mike. What's your name, Mike? What's your name, Mike? Sam. Sam, I'm Maggie. I'll be staying here a while. (GLASS CRUNCHES) I sleep naked. It's comfortable. If you breathe in my direction I will nail your willy... ..to that beam. Don't touch my stuff,... ..don't get in my way, and I'm sure we'll get along fine. Nighty-night. * (FAINT NOISE) > What is all this stuff? What is all this stuff? Bugging equipment. A cactus. Like listening bugging? Bugging who? Take a wild guess. Why? Why would anyone wanna do that? I wanna hear what goes on. Don't you wanna hear what goes on? Don't you wanna hear what goes on? I do not. Why not? Excuse me, Mr Video! Excuse me, Mr Video! That's not a video, it's a camera obscura. It's pure light. I am not spying. I just wanna be with her. Well, that's completely different. I know how you feel. You want him back so badly you can't stand it. But bugging! What? I don't want him back, I just want him vaporised. Extinguished! (GUN CLICKS) When I'm done with him, he'll be just a twitching stain on the floor. Oh. Is that it ` you're waiting for her to leave him for you? Absolutely. Absolutely. Have you seen him? Linda and I are soulmates. This is a passing phase. They're gonna break up tonight, I know it. I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm an astronomer. It's my job to find patterns in things... ..that seem completely random. Well, I found it. I found a pattern. It's all in the data. The data. Oh, this data. Mutual feeding activity? The number of times that Linda and what's-his-name feed each other. You're counting? You're counting? Not just that. Everything. Kisses, hugs, smiles. Fights. They fight? They fight? Well, not yet. Long looks, whispering, shouting. They shout? You're missing the point. Tonight there's gonna be a fight. They're gonna break up and I'll be here for her. Tonight this'll all be over. So you might as well pack your bags. That is without a doubt the most pathetic thing I've ever heard! You don't understand. You don't understand. I don't say that lightly. I'm a photographer. I've seen a lot of things. I took pictures of a man who ate his own legs. You'd be the black sheep in that family! What's your plan? Squirt him? Throw strawberries at him? You looked! You looked! Yeah, call a cop! You are a strange, tragic little man. Say what you want. Linda and I are in love. Except for her boning my boyfriend, you're the perfect couple. At the end of the day, she is coming back to me. We'll be happy. And where are you gonna be? All alone hatching some revenge scheme. Let me tell you something, Sam. Listen very carefully. Listening? Yes. Listening? Yes. The only way she's coming back is if a blast of semen catapults her here. I want you out. I want you out. It's not gonna happen. I was here first. I was here first. Put me down for half the rent and get outta my face! I wouldn't do that if I were you. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Why not? You stole my money! You took all I had to buy this?! That was all you had?! That was all you had?! And what the hell is that for, anyway?! It's pretty, Sam. There we go. You can hear them? You can hear them? Uh-huh. Are they talking? Yep. Yep. What about? Let me hear. Let me hear. It's wrong, Sam. Just for a second. I wanna hear her sweet voice. Beg me. Beg me. Please. Did you speak? Did you speak? Please let me hear! "(ORGASMIC MOANS)" Oh, my God! He's killing her! Yeah, he is! And she's loving every minute. She's not like that! She likes to make love quiet and slow and gentle. (OVER MOANS) She's a carnival ride! This is horrible! This is worse than I'd imagined! Turn it off? Turn it off? No, I need to hear it. "Ah, God!" God! "Ah, God!" God! "(RHYTHMIC MOANING)" "Mange moi!" "Mange moi!" French! He's making love to her in French! You know, Sam, Frenchmen are very small. But not this guy. It's like Godzilla's tail. He could take down Tokyo with it. The longest orgasm I ever heard! You want your charts? (OVER MOANS) You enjoy making me suffer! "(MOANS)" Help me get him. Take the road less travelled! It'll make a difference. No. Forget it! I will not get sucked into your nightmare. OK, fine. Whatever. You know, I think I can get this in stereo. "(VERY LOUD MOANING ECHOES)" (OVER CLIMAXING MOANS) Welcome to New York, spy boy! "Aaaaaaagh!" Slim Jim? Let's see what Ken and Barbie are having. Squab. He marinates it in a lemon-wine sauce and braises it with sugar. I have to concentrate! It's happening tonight. "Smells delicious." "Smells delicious." "I'll tell you a secret." "I met an old man in Brindisi, Italy. And he said..." "I met an old man in Brindisi, Italy. And he said..." Only make it for ze woman you love. I found out he made it for a party he catered, 500 people. Lotsa love! We should go to his restaurant. Good food, good people. "Wait! Serve the sauce like this." "Wait! Serve the sauce like this." Just let her eat it, maggot! "Do you feel it?" Mmm! "Is it satisfactory?" "Is it satisfactory?" "It's the best thing I ever ate!" Will you shut up?! "I love to watch you eat..." No. No! She hates having people watch her eat! He's going down in flames. Here it comes! "Oh, you know?" "There is this... what are they called, they eat cans? (BLEATS)" Sheep! Sheep! "Goats." "When they hear a sharp sound, they fall over!" "A sharp sound? Anything." "Clap your hands and they fall over" No, no! That's my story! "No!" "No!" "It's true! They just tip over and fall on the ground. " That's my kiss! "Mmm..." That's my... "You could hunt them with little crickets." "Oh!" Not the food! "(CRASHING)" "(MOANS AND LAUGHTER)" I'll do it! I'll do whatever you want! This has to stop! I don't care about right or wrong any more. This must stop! (INAUDIBLE) Just nudge 'em. Just graze 'em like that. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) Sorry. Sorry. Sorry? Sorry. Sorry? You're sorry? You think you can trample on a person? Well, you can't! You can't trample on someone's life and say sorry! There oughta be more if you walk on somebody and take their kiss! I'm starving. You throw food everywhere! EVERYWHERE! You are nothing! Hey! Well! (PANTS) We took a detour from the plan there! I really hit him! I really hit him! Yeah, you smacked him one! How did it feel?! Great! * So what is your plan? What do you wanna do to him? So what is your plan? What do you wanna do to him? I just want his dignity. I want him hopeless, loveless, finished off! I wish him ill, very, very ill. How ill? How ill? I'm not saying I want him dead. But should that occur... People die all the time. Why not him?! Just thinking on my feet. I don't have to decide. I can wait till his dignity's a thing of the past. Am I boring you? Thank you, Anton! Maybe I shouldn't have hit him. He's just in love. He's just in love the same as me. Define love. Why? Because it's all you say, and I'd like to know what it is, this ideal. Well, I don't know, it's like... Like all your life you walk around with this feeling of emptiness. You feel hollow. And when you're in love you feel... ..not hollow. It's like without it there's nothing, a shell. A cavernous emptiness. Forget it. You can't define it. When I was a kid, my father had this dog. It got weak, so he took it to the vet. He said a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog's butt. Not much they can do. The maggots have crawled up and started to grow, and they'll eat the dog alive from the inside out. It should be put to sleep cos it's an old dog anyway. Dad won't do it. He takes it home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That's love, Sam. You're not that tough, Maggie. I can tell you're not. And you can forget about a career with Hallmark. (MC SOLAAR # "Victime de la Mode") 'Won't he miss it?' He won't know till the bill comes. He only uses his platinum. Oh! I'll just take everything in this whole area. Anton's having an affair. He is?! Anton's having an affair. He is?! That's what Linda will think! Where are they going? Where are they going? To my nana. The old battle-axe should get a kick outta this! How much to put lipstick on the monkey? For you or for him? I don't touch the monkey. Not at all. I hate the monkey. How's 40? For 50 I'd strap on a garter and wax her legs. (LAUGHTER) You can't treat me this way after so long! You can't look at me! What?! You're in love?! Oh, no! You're in love with that man?! He could never make you happy! (LAUGHTER/MONKEY SHRIEKS) (CURSES) Stop kissing him! Get it off me! (CROWD LAUGHS) What do you think? Come back, Greta! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yeah, OK, that's fine! Fine. No problem. (MUTTERS) Greta thanks you, I thank you! "Hello, sweetheart." OK. Here we go. He's home. "Oh, you know bankers." "What do they know about the restaurant business?" "Ready?" "We're almost packed." "Forget the Hamptons. Let's spend the weekend in bed!" That look! She sees it! "Merde!" No, stay with her! Go back to her, Sam! Take it easy. Her! Take it easy. Her! Ssshhh, relax. "Anything you want to tell me?" "What's that on your collar?" Turn it up! "What? Oh, that. You'll never believe this." "I'm crossing Washington Square and there's some guy with a monkey." "I'm crossing Washington Square and there's some guy with a monkey." "A street performer? Yes." "The monkey jumps on me!" "It won't get off! You're kidding!" "No, I'm not. People are laughing, ha ha ha!" "And the monkey is kissing me, kissing me!" "It nearly peed on me!" What are you laughing at?! Why? I don't know. "(INDISTINCT)" "(LAUGHS)" Oh, great! "(WHOOPS)" Uh-uh! "(LAUGHTER)" "Ooooh! So let's forget the Hamptons." "No..." It's going well (!) It's going well (!) Drink up, buddy. We're going in. There they go. We wanna go to the Long Island Railroad. Idiot never even changed the lock! Hold it. It's smaller than it looks on TV. Hey, hey! (SNIFFS) Linda! In the couch! What? In the couch. But not obvious. In the couch. But not obvious. You're kidding?! Just do it! Why wear them? Why wear them? Authenticity! (CRASH) SERGE GAINSBOURG # "Je T'Aime (Moi Non Plus)" "# Je t'aime..." What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Receipts! Why are we whispering? I don't know! "# Oh, mon amour..." (CRASH) Sssshhh! "# Je vais, je vais et je viens # entre tes reins..." Mine! Ohhh! "# Je t'aime..." "# Oh, je t'aime..." "# Oooh, oui, je t'aime! " "# Moi non plus..." "# Oooh, mon amour!" (No...) Oh! Mine! "# Je vais, je vais et je viens..." Ohhh! Grrrr! Mine! Mine! (FRENCH ACCENT) Perfection, yes? Voila! Oh! Comfortable! This is what you wear and have everything swinging freely. (FRENCH) Look at me, I am so fabulous! So beautiful! Witness my matted chest hairs. They are nice, no? What do you think? You look... You... Look at this. (LES NEGRESSES VERTES # "Comme Toujours") (GLASS BREAKS) "I love you, Linda..." "I love you, Linda..." "I hate you, Anton!" Gotta make the bed. Oh! Oh! Yeah, sure. Right. Er... Maggie. I, er... Can you clean up? We should go. Well... I think we should talk. Nothing to talk about. Something happened. I would like to talk about it. Nothing happened. OK? Nothing happened. I know what you're going through. I'm going through it too. I am not like you. I don't care what you feel. If I thought we were alike, I would tie a rope round my neck. I'm sorry. Last night wasn't us, Maggie. Last night wasn't us, Maggie. I know. I'm glad you know. Maybe we should just... I don't know, call it a day. You know what's gonna happen to her, Sam? He's gonna make her feel like the only woman in the world. He looks at her like a kid looks at a Christmas tree, all lit up, shiny. And for the first time she'll feel like she's really been seen... ..and really loved. And then... And then... Three weeks later she'll find panties in the couch, and she'll learn she was just a stepping-stone,... and he was... using her to get a visa. It'll change her, Sam. I understand. You know what's always bothered me? I can't see the side of her face. C'mere. I can never see the left side of her face when she's here... ..because of these things. Help me move this a little. Help me move this a little. OK. (GRUNTS) Good? A little more. Good! * (QUIET FRENCH CONVERSATION) Quoi? Quoi? Er... I saw the sign about the job. That's half-empty! Go and refill it immediately! Pardon. Tout a apprendre! Excuse me? Nothing here for you. Go. Why? Why?! Do I need a reason in my restaurant? Do I need a reason in my restaurant? Of course not! I don't like your face. Just go. (MUTTERS IN FRENCH) Wait! Why did you do that? Why did you do that? What? The flowers, why did you move it? The flowers, why did you move it? I wanted them in the middle. Why? Why? Because it was just something that I had to do. Perhaps at heart you seek perfection. Yes. Perhaps I do. (BUZZ OF VOICES/CLATTERING) Almost done, eh? Almost. Good. Good work, huh? Why don't you stop for a moment? I know who you are. It took me a little while but I figure it out. Yeah. Dry off your hands. Uhhh! It was you who attacked me. I didn't see your eyes but I don't forget. You didn't put an address on your application. Why? You're homeless. You didn't put an address on your application. Why? You're homeless. Yeah, I ` Don't be ashamed. I was hungry once. I would see a rich man. I would want to kill him! But that's not the way, you know? You must better yourself. Don't be ashamed. Give me your hand, come on. (GRUNTS) I like a man who fights for what he wants. If you mess with me again, I'll rip out your eyes and rape your skull! Excuse my French. It was a good punch, huh? Solid. (GRUNTS) Yeah, nice (!) You did his dishes, then you got punched. Well done! I'm missing something here. What was your plan? No plan. I just wanted to face him. I wanted to be in a room with him, talk to him. In my mind he was like a god. And now? And now? It's not like he's God god any more. He's more like a volcano god or a sea god. One of those sub-gods. Maggie, I think he likes me! One thing, though? One thing, though? Yeah? He said something about having sex with my skull. He says that to everybody. Don't worry. I'm sorry. Well, I don't like the sound of it. Not a good image. Well, I don't like the sound of it. Not a good image. I can't say I blame you. Woo! Aaaagh! (KIDS SCREAM HAPPILY) So I let go with my hand, and I fell off the top of the jungle gym,... ..face first, and I broke this tooth right in half. I'm laying there, blood all over my face,... ..kids yelling,... ..and I look up and there she is. Looking down with this weird little smile on her face. I swear to God, when I saw her, the pain just went away. Once I took pictures of ducklings who thought a gardener was Momma. They use to chase him around on his mower all day, quack, quack, quack! That's it. It's like she's branded on my brain. One day he forgot the ducks were there, put his mower in reverse,... ..chewed 'em to pieces. Don't you know any happy stories? There he is. (CAMERA CLICKS) < (CHILD) That's him! Let's get him! No... (KIDS YELL) 'Our work is done.' "Midgets coming out of the blue. I protect myself with one of them." "Midgets coming out of the blue. I protect myself with one of them." "Midgets?!" "Little children shooting perfume at me." "Little children shooting perfume at me." "Perfume." "Yeah, from their guns. What?!" "Yeah, from their guns. What?!" "Yeah, water guns?" "Squirt guns? Yeah." "Spooky... Really strange, huh? The lamb is burning! " Trying to weasel his way out of it! Trying to weasel his way out of it! He didn't do anything. "Anton!" "Anton!" "Yes?" "Don't you think it's odd that children shoot perfume at you?" "Isn't it something American kids do? Let's have salad ` refreshing." "Expensive perfume, Anton! I used to wear that perfume." Good call, Sam! "Rich New York kids." "Last week you had lipstick on your collar." "From the monkey, yeah." "The monkey, yes." "And now perfume from squirt guns from rich New York kids?!" "What are the odds of that happening to one person?!" "Ask a mathematician! Ask your old Milky Way man!" That's you! "What are you getting at? You're driving me crazy!" "Anton, promise me something." "Just promise that if you were ever doing anything you would tell me." "You know..." "Why are you even thinking of such a thing?" "We could work it out, OK? I couldn't take it... ..if you were lying to me." "Listen..." "Why would I have sex with a burger when I can make love to a steak?" Yeeurgh! "Just promise me." "(MACHINERY DROWNS WORDS)" She's this close, Sam. This close. (BUZZ OF CONVIVIALITY) Bring some other bottles! "(HAPPY VOICES)" "(MUSIC STARTS UP)" What'd I miss? I definitely think that we're getting to them. Sweet and sour? Sweet and sour? Of course! (AS ANTON) I want to show you how my hands fit my knees! And to... And to... Get away! Get away from me, please. Oh, but I love you, my leetle lamb. I must have you. I am throbbing... ..at a fevered cadence! You cannot have me. My love is reserved for another. You cannot mean ` You cannot mean ` Yes! The Milky Way man! No, no, no, anyone but him! This is a man who can predict alpha cluster emissions. To him I am nothing. A little teeny worm, a small little... Yes, I love his emissions! Not every man can... ..can be a Milky Way man! No. What will you do now? Forlorn, I will roam the earth by myself, thinking of you. And pausing sometimes to have sex with skullses... That's good. Now be quiet about that or I will make you eat another pig testicle. This is very good! You like it? I like everything. I am French. Ah! I've been dying for one of these all night. Can I ask you a question, Anton? Can I ask you a question, Anton? Sure you can. How do you like America? Why? Well, you're French. Do you miss it, get lonely for your country? I was never so French since I've been here. You know Superman? Yeah. That's me. Yeah. That's me. I'm Superman! And France is Krypton. On Krypton everybody was Superman. You make a nice sauce, everybody make a nice sauce. You say hello to a woman with your French accent, everybody says hello! You say hello to a woman with your French accent, everybody says hello! (ALL) Hello! You say hello to a woman with your French accent, everybody says hello! But the moment I arrived I knew this was a place I had special powers. I talk about my little town and the bankers open their chequebooks and say, 'How charming and exotic you are, Anton.' I could read the phone book to a woman and they are hypnotised! Wet as morning daisies. Here I have these powers. At home I was nothing. Here I am Superman. Hip, hip, America! Hip, hip, land of freedom! Now you. You are not French. But it's OK. You still have opportunity here. Yesterday, he had no job,... ..no future, but today a step up ` a little step, but a step. Soon you can afford a place and get a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. Really? He has a girlfriend. Pretty girl? She's the most wonderful woman in the world. She must love you. Women only want men for money?! Women only want men for money?! No, not just money, power also, and success. Don't fool yourself. They want a man who takes what he wants. They want a man who takes what he wants. I don't agree. Listen. My girlfriend was seeing a man when I met her. I took her back to my place, I ask her about him, very innocently. Of course. Of course. She had wonderful things to say about him. Nice, devoted... gentle. I started to probe subtly about how strong, powerful, successful he was. I was very good! In no time we were lying on my couch. I think she wanted me to force her away from him. You could see it. She wanted the battle. She was crying. But she was... ..kissing me. Later, she came like a rocket. (GLASS SHATTERS) Anton! Don't worry about the glass. I won't charge you this time. Anton, he's here! Who? Anton, he's here! Who? Matheson! Are you sure? Table nine. My God, it's him! Go! OK, I'll take care. (RAIN TRICKLES) (PHONE RINGS) Get 'em? That was the most revolting thing I ever did! Food critic for the Times. Big step! Are you sure you're ready? Yeah... Ohh! Ohh! < (CRASH) I want everything perfect! Didier, I can see this is not cooked! You, don't drop a dish! I want everything perfect for the bastard! Heaven for the pig! Gimme, gimme! I've created a monster! You know, I asked your steward for a chenin blanc. And he brought me this. You have any idea how that happened? I took the liberty. It's from my private reserve. If I had a suspicious mind... Mmm. ..I'd think you want to get on my good side. Well, I thought you would enjoy the year. I'd say that your little ruse is working very well. Especially if you find another bottle. Well, certainly... Excuse me. (CRASH) We might... We might find a bottle or two... Enjoy your meal. Excuse me. Enjoy your meal. Excuse me. Er... I've just come back from France. Whereabouts are you from? It's just Beaucaire. A small province in the south of France. Oh, Beaucaire, Beaucaire... Isn't that near Nimes? Huh? Is that near Nimes? Excuse me? Excuse me? Is that near Nimes? Yes. Yes, it is. (GASPS) Oh, God! > Did you see?! > I remember. It's a little to the south and over the hill. Yes... It is on the other side of the hill. A little south. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm... Aaaagh! > (HYSTERICAL SCREAMS) (SEVERAL DINERS SHRIEK) (SCREAMS CONTINUE) < (SCREAMING) (PANDEMONIUM) (SNORTS) (BOTH LAUGH HELPLESSLY) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) "The look on his face! Why are you smiling?!" "The look on his face! Why are you smiling?!" "I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" "Its legs were fighting in his mouth. Everything I have!" "We'll be OK. I have my job." "Your salary won't pay for the toilet paper!" "They don't pay teachers what they're worth. In some places..." Don't go there. Don't go there. "Not that discussion again now!" "Don't be angry. I'm not." She's angry. Definitely. "What if they close me permanently? What would you do?" "What do you mean?" "I mean... ..I mean if I couldn't afford this nice place any more?" "You'll always find work. You can go back to modelling." He was a model?! "What if I couldn't find work?" "Then what? What would you do if I were poor?" "Poor?" "The I would sit out on the kerb with you all day... ..and sell pencils." "And when it got dark, we'd crawl into our cosy refrigerator box,... ..make love all night,... ..and then sell pencils again." "Where are you going?" Where's he going? What's he doing?! Er... Er... Talk! He's getting something... Oh, no! Er... He's getting something... Oh, no! He's getting something... Oh, no! What is it?! Oh, no! What does it look like?! Oh, no! What does it look like?! It's diamonds with... I'm familiar with it! Ton visage, ton corps... (FRENCH IS INDISTINCT) Je t'aime... What? What's that?! Bastard! What?! Would you like to be my wife? Would you like to be my wife? No! No! No, no! No! No! (DISTANT SIREN WAILS) * < (GROANING) Here, here! Oh! Nana! Oh! So you found me! I get 50 pounds of flowers delivered to my door,... ..and I call the florist... Let's go down. ..and he gives me your name and this charming address. And the earrings and the perfume and the television set! What's got into your head, girl?! You didn't like them? So don't call your mother. But hide from me for two months? You'd better be found lying dead in the gutter! Your tits look like hard little rocks! Cut it out! As for you...! Taking my little girl away! Come here, now! Ohhh! I'm Margaret's nana. It's such a pleasure to finally meet you, Anton. Oh. Oh, no, I'm... ..I'm very happy to meet you too. If we hurry, we can get you vanilla custard before Di Roberti's closes. The spoon goes in right side up. We weren't brought up in a barn. You got something in your teeth. Hmm? Hand them to me! Hand them to me! Oooh, you bitch! Oh! Oh, dear, it's late. I'd better be getting home. You have to go already? I've got a yoga class in the morning First I wanna take your picture. Closer. OK. Put your arm around her. Put your arm around her. Maggie, don't make a face! Maggie, don't make a face! I'm not! She always does that. She always does that. I do not! For Pete's sake, just act natural. Why don't you give her a kiss, Anton? Ooops, my mistake. Don't be shy, come on. You can do better than that, Anton. Yeah, Anton, you can do better than that. (CAMERA CLICKS) Did you see a flash? God, I hate these things! Come on, kiss. Right, Maggie... Will you take care of the cheque? Spend the night with us. Spend the night with us. In that Bohemian hell-hole?! How long were you in our Bohemian hell-hole? How long were you in our Bohemian hell-hole? Not long. I listened to the radio. What radio? Oh, the radio! The radio! What was on the radio? Some little play. More like a soap opera. I'm ashamed to admit I listened to the silly thing! What was it about? What was it about? Who cares? I wanna hear more about you two! I'm interested too. I'm interested too. Let's see... It was two characters, a Frenchman and a girl. He's on his way home and she's upset about something. It turns out, er... She thinks he's having an affair! He says, "I didn't, I didn't!" She says, "Explain this!" She shows him some undergarments she found in the couch and he denies it. She says something about monkeys. I really couldn't follow that. There was silence for a bit, then he confesses. (BOTH) He what?! Says he was seeing another woman, an investor. It was a little confusing. Come on! Aaagh! Then what happened? He's begging her to forgive him, and she says a certain four-letter-word and storms out. I didn't know you were so interested! We listen to that show all the time. Watch your fingers. Got it, got it. OK. Alright. Tighter... "(PHONE)" "Ow!" "Linda?!" "Paul, no, I can't right now. I have a call. I'm waiting for a call..." (BUZZER) "Oui? Who is it?! Linda!" (BUZZING CONTINUES) "Linda!" "Yes?" "Yes?" "Anton, I'm Mr Green." Who? "Linda's father." "How are you? Can I offer you something?" "(READS) 'Anton... you hurt me very badly.'" "'All I asked for was honesty and you betrayed me.'" "'I had hope...'" Oh, heck! Whoa! Whoa! Wow! I can't believe it. We did it! "(GROANS)" We did it, Sam! All this time, and we weren't even here for it! Yeah! So... Er... What are you gonna do now? She left suddenly. She'd go someplace familiar. To the hotel she stayed before. Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. So what are you waiting for? Go get her. What, now?! What, now?! Yeah, now. What's the matter with now? What would it look like? What would it look like? Who cares? She's not thinking straight. She'll buy anything. What's the big hurry to get me outta here? Hey, look, if you don't want her after all this... Hey, look, if you don't want her after all this... Of course I do. Whatever. It's your business. I still got some work to do, and no offence, but I miss my privacy. Well, I thought we could just take a minute to say goodbye... It feels kinda strange to not... You just have to wreck everything, don't you? Are we done saying goodbye yet? Are we done saying goodbye yet? Yeah. You're still here. < (YELLING) She does not want to see you! Try and sneak in again and you're going to jail! Do you understand? Do you understand? How dare you?! I rape your skull! Oh! Dishwasher! Hey! I knew it was you. Anton, hi. Anton, hi. Some greeting for your old boss! How are you? How are you? Wonderful. Never better. Every day's a holiday, every night 4th July! Oh, good. Well, I better be going. I'm lying. I feel terrible. I broke up with my fiancee. My restaurant is gone and I'm broke. Oh. I, er... I'm sorry. Oh, don't be sorry. Do you have a place yet? Er, no. Not yet. Good. Stay with me, then. Oh... No, why? You don't even know me. That night at the restaurant,... ..everyone is running around, even me, but I notice you. You were not staring stupidly like the rest. You just kept working. Good man, good friend. What's your name? Mike. I'm a nervous wreck. I'm not doing well on my own. I feel like somebody threw away a piece of me. How do you say ` when there is nothing inside? Hollow. Yeah. That's how I feel. I feel so hollow. You'd be doing me a favour, really. Just one drink. I can't go back to that empty apartment by myself. I will die. Please. No, no, that's it. No more. You must try this! A sexy Margaux from '83. It was for Matheson. To wash down the bugs! Oh, Mike! "I was going to tell the other woman goodbye." I only slept with her to get a loan. It's not like I cheated! And it was only once with this woman! I hardly came, a fraction of what I'm capable! Aaaargh! I thought of Linda all the time. If that can be twisted,... ..then I am the only sane man in a world gone mad! Don't you think? < Shit!! I, er... I really couldn't say, Anton. I'm going to get her back, Mike. She needs me. I have to get her back. This is good! This is good! Aaaagh! I'm sorry, it is. OK! Time for bed. I have modelling work tomorrow. A step down, yes. But Anton Depeux isn't proud. Look at my stomach. I haven't gained a pound since my modelling days. You know, I'm going to be just fine. Don't worry about me. All righty. Well, I guess I'd better be moseying on. Let you rest. No, no, please, a little longer. The creme caramel is almost done... ..and I have a very nice wine. I'll be right back. Please, you wait. Wait! (Maggie!) (Maggie, come to the window!) (This wasn't my idea! Maggie, don't be angry with me.) (Maggie! Maggie, look at him! How can I leave him? Maggie!) (Maggie!) I haven't done this in years. How is it in English? Our Father, who art in Heaven,... Our Father, who art in Heaven,... Our Father,... I miss my father. ..hallowed be Thy name... ..hallowed be Thy name... Hollow? Hollow! Hallowed. Hallowed be Thy name. Hallowed be that name. Stay outta my business. (KIDS PLAY) And marching good... And being a snake, a snake, we're looking good. (INDISTINCT) > Sam?! Sam! (KIDS GIGGLE) Oh, my God! It is you! (GIGGLING) Kissy kissy! You're here because of me? Kissy kissy kissy! God, Sam, I can't believe you're actually here with me! God, Sam, I can't believe you're actually here with me! Nor can I. God, Sam, I can't believe Oh, if only you knew what I've been going through ` Listen to me, feeling sorry for myself! You know what I miss? I miss noon. Me too. Sometimes I look up and wave at the sky. The kids think I'm nuts. I know. I know. Of course you do. You've been watching me all the way from Archer's Bluff. God, Sam! You're the best. How could I leave you. What was I thinking?! Why did you? Why did you? I don't know. I'm nuts. That's what my father says. It's not a real answer. It's not a real answer. I know, I know... I know. Why did I ever leave you, Sam?! You're so generous and kind... ..and honest... Linda, you don't know everything about me. Of course I do! You're my Milky Way man. You're in love with that man?! You're breaking my heart! > (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Hey! Get off! (LAUGHTER/MONKEY SHRIEKS) > Kiss me, Sam! Please? I got a stud. That I didn't know. (KIDS YELL) Linda, let's go, let's go! Oh, God! I gotta go. Come to my hotel tonight? The Evangeline, eight o'clock. The Evangeline, eight o'clock. Eight o'clock. I'll be there. Thank you, thank you! (APPLAUSE) Go to hell! Take anything you want! Don't forget the TV! And don't forget the sofa also! Voleur! Fascist! I'll rape your skull, you salopard! Look out. "Anton, what's going on?" "Credit-card bastards! They say I owe thousands! I never use it!" Help me find my shoe, because if I do I will be just fine! "I have a modelling job waiting for me. And after I get my money... ..I'm going to go and wave it in their disgusting faces!" You can't keep Anton down! Anton is going to be just fine! Aha! Look now, you credit-card bastards! "What?" What, a pimple? What, a pimple? Er... "Tell me it's not." "Tell me it's not." It's not. Is it a rash or an allergy? It's... it's called... chronic angio. It's from food or mould. "Shellfish, strawberries." (VOICE BREAKS) "I haven't touched any of those for... for years!" "Can I get you some ice, or heat? Ointment?" "Look! (SOBS)" Look, look, look! (SOBS DISTORT HIS WORDS) There you go. "(SOBS)" There you go. Come on. That's what I wanna hear. "(HOWLING SOBS)" "(VIOLENT SOBBING CONTINUES)" (FAINT SOBS CAN STILL BE HEARD) * (ENGINE ROARS) Hold it! Stop! Stop! We need to talk! How was your date with Linda? You looked cosy. I'm glad it worked. You were there?! I'm glad it worked. You were there?! I miss you. We were like girlfriends. This isn't about him any more. Who, him? Call me a hopeless romantic, I just hate to let him outta my sight. (ROARS) Oh, merde! Anton! Anton! (HORN BLARES) I'm cursed! Where are you going? Nothing worse can happen. I'm going to see her. I have to see Linda! This is very painful. Now? You don't look your best. What if she's seeing another man? Another man touching her hair, her hips, her pink panties! Oh, God, her pink panties, the one with the... You think me pathetic, don't you? You think me pathetic, don't you? Yes, I do. (MOTORBIKE) With Linda, the worst moments of my life were my happiest! She is someone who, even as the world was crashing around me,... I had the most extraordinary times with her! Yet I only knew her a brief time! Your woman, how long you know her? Your woman, how long you know her? A few weeks. Not weeks! Since we were kids. Not weeks! Since we were kids. You just said weeks. I said that. I didn't say you didn't. I said that. I didn't say you didn't. But I did! Yeah. How did you two meet? Common interests. When will I meet her? When will I meet her? We're not together any more. You didn't get along? You didn't get along? No, we had a great time. What drove you apart? What drove you apart? Another guy. She loved him? She loved him? No. No, she hates him. She hates his guts. Anton! Anton, I'm sorry. I have to go! You're not coming with me?! You're not coming with me?! You're on your own. (MOTORBIKE REVS) Maggie! No! Aaagh! What are you doing?! I didn't come close to him! (CRASHING) Miaow! Anton? (GROANS) I'm so sorry, Anton! I'm sorry, Anton! I'm so sorry! Linda! Where is Linda? I'm here. LINDA GREEN!! LINDA GREEN!! OW!! LINDA GREEN! LINDA... < (CAR PULLS UP) (GROANS) "Take it slow. I got you. I got you" "(INDISTINCT)" "Ohh! Aaaagh!" "Ahhhh!" "(MOANING)" "Oh!" (CRASH) I almost killed him, Maggie. I was trying to protect him from somebody who I thought was you... ..and I almost killed him, I broke his arms and his ribs. For what? For what?! For what? For what?! I was gonna ask you about that. Not that I'm ungrateful. Stop it, just stop it! I was curious. This isn't about him, it's about us. You and me. What?! I love you, Maggie! I love you, Maggie! (SIGHS) Oh, God, don't do this! Sam, what are you doing? Sam, what are you doing? I know you love me. Why are you saying that? Why are you saying that? I know you love me. Don't do this. Don't do this. You're crazy about me. Go home. I won't hurt you, Maggie, I swear. I am trying to be nice, and you... OK. OK. I don't love you, Sam. I don't have one iota of feeling for you. Then why were you watching me and Linda? He wasn't there. Why? It's not your business what I do or why. It was me. You were watching me. Because you care, because you have feelings for me. You wanna know why I was there? Really? Pictures. Pictures of you and Linda. I told you I want him finished. It's not about us. Stay out of my way! MIKE!! That's it? If that's what it's gonna take, fine. Let's get it the hell over with. "(GROANS) Thank God you're back!" Scratch me, please! Scratch my chest, my face. Quickly! Quickly! Why? Quickly! Why? I'm not kidding! I can't stand it! Why should I? Why should I? For the love of God, Mike! What did you do? You must have done something terrible to deserve this. What did you do? I don't know what you're talking about. Confess, Anton! Have you gone mad?! I'm begging you! Just for a moment! Just one scratch! You've lost everything. Your money, your love, your self-respect. You're broken. Repulsive! "Is this what you want? Is it enough?!" "No, huh? You want more?!" Alright. (SNIFFS) "Do it, Anton. Confess." Confess what? You hurt people! Who, Linda? Yes, I cheated on Linda. I admit it. But why should you care? You used her. You used her. What are you talking about?! Admit it! What?! That you used her to stay here, like you used Maggie! Maggie? I haven't told you anything about Maggie. Who the hell are you?! I'm the Milky Way man! And I know everything. Oooh! "(GRUNTS/GROANS)" You'll hurt yourself! "Aaagh!" You're killing yourself! Let me help! Aaaagh! "(GROANS)" Ooof! "How's this? You enjoying the show?! Aaagh!" "(GROANS)" "(BOTH GROAN)" No! No! (BOTH) Aaaagh! No! Aaaagh! (CRASHING) Ahhh! (CRASHING) Ahhh! Anton...! Anton! Gahhhhh! (CHOKES) (COUGHS) (ALL PANT) Maggie was my angel. She brought me here in America. "I was nothing before I met her. Just... ..a waiter in a little cafe in Paris." I... I used her. I used her terribly. "But I didn't think it mattered... ..because I was sure that I would grow to love her." I thought... ..if I could just love her, then it would be alright. "The shame would go away." You can't choose who you love, Mike... or whoever the hell you are. And I love Linda. I love Linda. (SOBS) "More than anything! (SOBS)" Who the hell do you think you are to judge?! Who the hell do you think you are?! Nobody, Anton. "Nobody..." Sam! (GRUNTS) Nobody to nobody. Sam?! SAM!! SAM!! Linda. We need to talk. Hello? Yes, please. I need to be scratched, my face. My chest. My back. Please! Hello? No! Mais non! It... it is an emergency call, I swear! Hello, mister... Hello! (SIGHS) (GROANS) (SIGHS) Maggie, I ` Maggie, I ` Ssshhh! Say we're even. What? What? Just say it. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. Good. So how you been? Ohh! Yes! Oh, yes! Oui, oui! Ah, oui, comme ca! Oui! "Anton? I'm here!" "Anton? I'm here!" "I'm here, Linda!" "Oh, baby, look at you!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, honey!" "Oh, I love you!" "Everything is gonna be OK." "(BARKS)" "Bad dog!" "Go away!" So I saw this episode of Lassie today. And Lassie was accused of a crime that she didn't commit. And the ranger was coming to put her to sleep. Uh-oh. How's Lassie gonna get out of this one? Well, the little boy found out the ranger was coming,... ..and he told Lassie that she had to go away, far away. For her own good. Yeah, but Lassie wouldn't leave. See, Lassie just couldn't leave the boy. What did he do? He told her that he never liked her. He said, "I hate you. I hate you, Lassie." "You're a bad dog. I hope I never see you again." That must have made Lassie sad. It did. Lassie trotted off. Very sadly. But you know what happened? Lassie came home, Maggie. Did the little boy make it with Lassie? Yes. Yes, he did. (NENEH CHERRY) # The lights are on # but you're not home # your mind is not your own # Hot sweats # Your body shakes # Another kiss # is all that it takes, now # You can't sleep # and you can't eat # There's no doubt # that you're in too deep # Your throat is tight # You can't breathe # Another kiss # is all you need # You might think you're immune to the stuff # Oh, yeah! # Oh, yeah # Closer to the truth to say you can't get enough # You're gonna have to face it # You're addicted to love # You see the signs # but you can't read # You're running around at a different speed # Your heart beats in double time # Another kiss and you'll be mine, a one-track mind # You can't be saved # for, baby, young love # is all you crave # If there's some that you don't use you don't mind if you do # You don't mind # You think you're immune to the stuff # Oh, yeah! # Oh, yeah... # But it's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough # You're gonna have to face it # You might as well face it # You're addicted to love! # You're addicted to love! # You're addicted to love! # You're addicted to love! # The lights are on # but baby, you ain't home # Your will # is not your own # Hot sweats # Your teeth grind # Another kiss # a kiss, and you'll be mine # You think you're immune to the stuff # Oh, yeah! # Oh, yeah... # But it's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough # You're gonna have to face it # You might as well face it # You're addicted to love! #