-(HARD ROCK BEAT) -GIRLS: Not! Not! (ROCK GUITAR PLAYS 'HAVA NAGILA') Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019. Not! -(RAPS) # Now, we're GlamThrax. -# And we take no shit. # And we don't care for writing hits. # The sound you hear is what we like. # And I'll steal your Pop-Tarts like I stole your... # -Socks. -Yo, man, what's the matter with you? Sorry. I'll get it next time, I promise. # Colleen beats the beats, the beats you beat. # The only thing harder's the smell of my feet. # So listen up, cos you might get dissed. # Go drain the lizard or take a... # -Chair. -Damn. Come on, girl. Watch the beat. # I'm on your case, I'm in your face. Kick you and your father back in place. # Step up, sucker, understand. Don't you know that... # -I'm the man? -I'm the man! -I'm bad. -I'm so bad. -I should be in detention. -I'm the man! -All right. # We've got real def rhythms # and fresh new jams. -# You think we got egos. -# But we're just hams. -# Roof shit, top-shelf. -# And we like to skate. -# And we're never on time. We're always... # -Sleeping. -Late. -Damn it. -The important thing is that you tried. -Yeah! # I'm on your case, I'm in your face. Kick you and your father back in place. # Step up, sucker, understand? Don't you know that... # -I'm the man? -I'm the man. I'm bad. -I'm so bad, I should be in detention. -I'm the man! All right! So... -# As this rap is winding down,... -# ...it's plain to see we wear the crown. # You know GlamThrax is number one. # But we don't care; we just wanna have... -A festival! -Fun, Colleen. -Girls just wanna have fun? -Hey, that's a song. # Colleen, mail the mail, the mail she mails. # We are the queens, so all shall hail. # We're like a diamond is forever. -# And we'll remain the hardest... -# ...ever! # -I'm so bad, it's a crime. -Not. Not, not, n-not, not! (MICROPHONE THUDS, FEEDBACK WHINES) (PLAYS ENERGETICALLY) (PLAYS BASS DRUM) -(DRUMSTICKS CLATTER) -Whoo! -Yeah! -(GIRLS LAUGH) Look at his cute little nipples. Oh, my God, Ichabod, cover up. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) You know, I don't have to come and beat the skins for you two Beliebers. -Shut up. -You know we love you, Ichawad. Remember when he ripped off his shirt before and we saw his yummy Ichabod? I nearly wrote a whole blog about it, girl, #Ichagod! -You did? -I did not. -Not, n-not, not! -(KNOCK AT DOOR) No. -Shit. -(KNOCK AT DOOR) -No! What's that noise? Oh no. Do you two uncompromising rebel riot girls actually have to go back to work? -Shut up, Ichabodily Functions. -Yeah. Excuse me, condescending riot girls. "We'll take two packets of smokes. Give me a bag of milk. "And why don't you throw in the best, most exciting years "of your lives stuck behind a counter, eh?" -You're a dick, Ichabod. -Oh, that's mean. I call you Dickabod. (SLAMS DOOR) I can't believe it took you this long to think of Dickabod! (SIGHS) -(BELL CHIMES) -BOTH: Sorry aboot that. Sorry aboot that. Sorry aboot that. Sorry aboot that. -Sorry aboot that. -That was a lot longer than 10 minutes. Well, my best friend was having lady problems in the bathroom. OK? -May I shop? Sure. (SCOFFS) Mr Paedophile-in-Denial. So I'll see you guys Friday, eh? I said, 'Eh?' EERIE VOICE: Wunderbar! -(SIGHS) -Hi. True Norths, this week's issue of 'Them' and his Pucky Charms. And condoms. (LAUGHS) Oh my God! This is about you two! Yes, ma'am. And we hate it. It says here that you saved a man's life! But it's, like, dumb, because the guy was a walrus, not a manatee. -There's a big difference. -Yeah. A walrus has tusks, and manatees don't. Did you know they call the manatee a sea cow? "Moo! I'm udderly underwater, eh? Bl-bl-bl! Moo, eh?" (LAUGHS) That's her underwater cow. It's hysterical. WOMAN: That is funny! Come on, Wayne. "Moo! Moo! Moo! -"I'm a loser! Eh?" -(BOTH LAUGH) OK. That kid rules. More of that, less of everything else ever. ('WISHING WELL' BY TERENCE TRENT D'ARBY) SONG: # Kissing like a bandit, stealing time # underneath a sycamore tree... # Hunter Calloway's here! Hunter Calloway's here! Oh my God! Could you stop being so basic? Oh, I gotta 'Gram the shit out of this. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) The little Colleen Coalition. The only sassy, sexy sophomores in honours history rocking the smocks! Where's the Pepto-Bismol? (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Ew! It's over there. -(GRUNTS) -Sorry aboot that. -He's such a sitcom. -Yeah, well, we close in 20 minutes, so if he pukes, you're cleaning it up. Let me ask you something. You ladies like working the Zed? -Not at all. -Customers make it suck. (BURPS) Yeah? You know what wouldn't suck? Colleen and Colleen with me in between! The very definition of suck. Are the Colleens perchance working tomorrow? -Not on Friday night. No way. -We're off. Why? I would like to invite you both to my party. -A senior party? -"A nenior narty?!" Now with two very cool sophomores. May I have the honour of your number, mademoiselle? (OMINOUS MUSIC) (RUSTLING, CHATTERING) Who's there? Come oot, come oot, wherever you are! EERIE VOICE: Wunderbar! -(FABRIC RIPS) -(MOANS) -(SQUELCHING AND FLATULENCE) -Oh! Oh! Get out of my bum! (SCREAMS) WOMAN: A Grade 12 party with boys? No, no, no-no, no-no, no-no-no, no! I'm not aboot to let you go to a Grade 12 party with boys, Colleen. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) It's just a Grade 12 party. It's not the Nazi Party. Senior boys only invite sophomore girls to parties for one thing. Well, me and Colleen don't do that, and even if we did, we have our periods this week. No, you don't, little liar. We're always in sync. And I don't get mine for two more weeks. Holy shit! You still get your period, Ms McKenzie? Mom, please. You have to let me go to this party. It's only the most important night of my entire life! No way ` just the thought of going to a Grade 12 party has you lying to me about your menstrual cycle. And you know a woman's menstrual cycle is sacred, Colleen. I'm talking aboot the period blood of women. -(SPITS) -Please just let me go, Mom. I promise I won't sell oot all my gender ever again. On one condition ` you bring something stabby. -They get cute, they get cut. -Holy shit! I call her the mohel. She's my date knife. Thanks. (LAUGHS) (TRANQUIL MUSIC) So we start with pretentious frog. Pretentious frog. "I only eat grass-fed flies." (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) The dissatisfied customer. Dissatisfied customer. "I don't like the product you've given me." Atlas shrugged. Atlas shrugged. We go Atlas, and then we shrug. Do lasers from the wrists, lasers from the wrists. Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett. Awkward conversationalist. We put our foot in the mouth. Foot in the mouth. Upward dog. Our favourite canine. Downward dog. Here we go. Three-legged dog. That's sad. Three-legged dog. Look at that dog. But you know what's sadder? Two-legged dog. And he's in his little pushcart, his little makeshift wheelbarrow, and he's pushing himself along. We push right into lotus position. And we feel positive energy all around us. And let's hold on to that positive energy in the room. But, you know, I did read on the message boards of CanadianCorpses.com they've been finding body parts all over Winnipeg for the last few months. (ELECTRONIC DIRGE) -Body parts? -Oh yeah. Arms, legs. Heads, scalps, torsos, feet, hands, nipples, dinkies. -Dinkies? -Oh. (LAUGHS) I say take my dinky first, but leave me my nipples. It's basically a vestigial dinky at this point. But you take my nipples, and that's my identity. There is some real negativity in the world, girls. But remember, negative space can still be a design asset as long as you live the yoga way and you breathe the yoga way, and, yes, you even have to shit the yoga way. Seriously, sit in lotus position next time you're on the toilet. Everything just falls out of you, like you're... dumping a book bag. -A book bag full of poo. -(GIRLS LAUGH) (CHUCKLES) ('MISS ANDROGYNOUS' BY THE GLAM SKANKS) -Go! -(CAMERA CLICKS) SONG: # Rock 'n' roll with eyes of gold... # -OK, let me see. -All right. That one's cute. That one's cute. -That is cute. -Don't post that one, though. -OK. Yeah, you look basic. -Hey. Oh, oh! What in the ham and eggs is this all about? It looks like a Vancouver hockey riot in here. What'd you do, rob a mall? (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) -Hi, Dad. -Hi, Mr Collette. What are you doing with all these clothes? -We're Instagramming outfits. -Oh yeah? Whatever gets the most likes, we wear to the party tomorrow. -A Grade 12 party. -(GASPS) No! A Grade 12 party already, eh? (SQUEALS) Oh! Where did my little girl go? Aw, stop. You two are gonna make me cry. -WOMAN: I'm back! -Hey! Hey! (SIGHS) Now it's gonna make me cry. -Hey. -Hey. -BOTH: Hey. (BOTH KISS LOUDLY) -Oh! -(BOTH LAUGH) -My little dog. -I bit you, eh? -(BOTH LAUGH) I got a bite. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) TABITHA: My God! It looks like a Vancouver hockey riot in here. -I know. I know. -What is this? What are you two doing? They're picking out their outfits for a party tomorrow. -(WHISPERS) A Grade 12 party. -BOTH: Ooh! MR COLLETTE: Big-time, big-time! -With seniors now. -I know. She's only supposed to go to sophomore mixers, I thought. Yeah, right. Come on, Tabs. We all know you can't think. -(SLURPS) Mm-hm. -OK, OK. When I went to count out the register tonight, the back room was a mess, yeah? -Colleen. -OK. They can't be practising in the back of the store any more, Bob. Last year, they blew out the power with their amps. Yeah, it's bad enough the two of them are always with their faces in their phones behind the counter... Such pretty faces too, pretty faces. ..lock up the store and go play their so-called 'music' in the back room with that pederast loser and doing... -He's not a loser. -...God knows what else, eh? That's disgusting, so... Absolutely disgusting. And, like, who are we? You? Skeezing on losers is your superpower. This isn't skeezing, OK? I fell in love with your father. -After he made you manager. -TABITHA: And as manager, you know what I've noticed? Where'd all the beaver stuffies go? -(GASPS) Not the beavers! -Oh yeah. -No! That's a big seller! -Yeah. Yeah. TABITHA: They didn't sell 'em. I checked the receipts. Yeah. -Yeah. So... -You should check the receipts. -Where'd all my beavers go? Frankly, Tabitha, I don't give a damn about your... beavers. -Goddamned yoga hosers. -Where's Little Miss Whoa Manager going? We're just gonna go in our room, and I'm gonna... uh, we're just gonna go watch a movie. -OK? -Can you just do me a favour? Can you just leave the door open, though? OK. Love you, Dad! Hey. Close the door, Bob. All the way, Bob. -She told me not to. -God. She's the daughter, Bob, not the parent. -You're in charge, not her. -What do you want me to do, eh? That's my little girl. That's my little girl. -I'm your little girl, Bob. -(CLEARS THROAT) -Bob? -Mm. Do you wanna ride the Ferris wheel, Bob? Don't talk about the Ferris wheel. Don't talk about... Wanna go for a ride on the Ferris wheel? No? You wanna jump in the bouncy house? -You'll let me jump in the bouncy house? -Twice. (BOTH LAUGH) (PLAYS POIGNANT TUNE) -Oh my God. -What? You finished already? Oh, come on! -I'm sorry. Sorry. -(SIGHS) What is she playing? (SINGS) # Babe, I'm leaving. I must be on my way. # The time is drawing near. I used to sing this to her when she was a baby. # My train is going. # I see it in your eyes, # the love, the need, your tears. She just... she just remembers it. # But I'll be lonely without you. # And I'll need your love to see me through. (SOBS) She's just growing up so fast, you know. # So please believe me, # my heart is in your hands. -# And I'll be missing you. -# Cos I'll be missing you. Duh-duh, duh-duh! (SOBS) # You know it's you, babe. # Whenever I get weary and I've had enough, # feel like giving up. -(BOB SOBS) -# You know it's you, babe, # fiving me the courage and the strength I need. # Please believe that it's true. (SOBS) # Babe, I love you. (INSTRUMENTAL BREAK) Goddamned yoga hosers. (INSTRUMENTAL BREAK CONTINUES) # You know it's you, babe. # Whenever I get weary and I've had enough, # feel like giving up. # You know it's you, babe, # giving me the courage and the strength I need. # Please believe that it's true. (SOBS) # Babe, I love you. # Babe, I love you. # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, babe. # (BELL RINGS) -(WHISTLE BLOWS) -Ladies, up dog! One, two, three! -(CAMERAS CLICK) -What a farce! I can't believe they actually have the balls to call this yoga. I know. -(CAMERA CLICKS) -WOMAN: How are ya, girls? Ms Wicklund, you photobombed us. Way hip, Ms Wick. What makes you two think that you can sit oot my yoga class this morning? (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) This isn't yoga. This is like a parody of yoga. And our yoga instructor gave us this note to give to you, Ms Wicklund. We have permission to sit oot any time you do yoga here in phys ed, because he doesn't want his teachings derailed by what he calls "the abortion of phys ed yoga". Well, far be it me to argue with the strip-mall swami. Technically, he's a yogi, right? Technically, there's a school honour policy aboot camera phones in PE! -BOTH: There is? -Do any of you ladies wanna be photographed by these two while you're all sweating like hogs? -GIRLS: No. -I didn't think so. -Is she talking aboot us? -No. She's talking aboot the other two Colleens behind us. I'm talking aboot your entire generation. Generation Y-Me, I call it. You live on your phones. You have no idea how to function like normal people in the real world. Ms Wicklund, this isn't the real world. -This is Canada. -Oh, is that right, eh? Well, how about you save your Can-bashing sass for your tweets and your Facebookings, and try clicking 'like' on this, girls. -(BAM!) -No phones for the rest of the day! -BOTH: What?! -You can get 'em back at 2.45, after the last bell. Ms Wicklund, our phones are who we are. If you take away my phone like I'm some sort of pygmy in Monaco, who am I supposed to be? -I feel like I'm gonna pass oot. -And now Colleen M's having hot flashes. You're on a new phone plan now, girls. Unlimited minutes, unlimited looks to the world around you, and no roaming charges. So go roam. Without your phones. -Eh, here I go. -(CRASH!) Are you happy, Ms Wicklund? You killed Colleen. (BELL RINGS) -Gym floor was really hard. -Yeah. It's OK. Greetings, aspiring scholars. Are you ready to go deep inside the annals of history? (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) We're still talking aboot World War II. Fascism, genocide. The worst thing that has ever happened to humankind. (SIGHS) Why do we even gotta learn about this old stuff anyway, Ms Maurice? I mean, it happened, like, a million miles away, like, a million years ago. Mon dieu. You all think history is so boring. Well, what if I told you during World War II, there were Nazis right here, in Winnipeg, all of them making preparation for the day Hitler finally came to conquer Canada and the United States? There were Nazis here in Canada, Ms Maurice? MAURICE: Let's see. What can I tell you about Canadian Nazis? Well, many years back, in the 1930s, there was a Great Depression in the True North. Canadians were hungry. Some turned their hunger into anger, and they looked for someone else to blame for the country's financial woes. And as a result, in Toronto, the first Swastika Club opens, a pub full of drunks offering up anti-Semitic rabble aboot deporting Canadian Jews to the Hudson Bay. Wait. They wanted to send them shopping? Not to the Hudson Bay department store, Ms Collette. I'm talking aboot the actual Hudson Bay. Like, put 'em all oot in the water? That's just so wrong. The Canadian Union of Fascists was founded right here in Winnipeg, by a Manitoban. And over in Quebec, you had the big kahuna of crazy himself, the nuttiest of all nut bars, Adrien Arcand, the self-proclaimed Canadian Fuhrer. So this Arcand guy was, like, Canadian Hitler? Is that as bad as, like, 'Canadian Idol'? -Nothing's as bad as Canadian Idol. -Right? Let me take you back to a time in Canadian history this nation has tried so very hard to forget. In this trying time... MAURICE: Adrien Arcand was an anti-Semitic journalist in Montreal who spearheaded a series of fascist political movements in Quebec before the start of World War II. Why are you hungry? Why are you unemployed? Is it, as our ally in Germany, Adolf Hitler, tells us, the fault of the Canadian Jew? -Yes, it is! -(SPITS) ARCAND: Now, Henry Hamilton Beamish suggests that to save Canada from ethnic ruin, we must send all Canadian Jews to Madagascar! Instead, we at the Parti National have a better plan. -(PEOPLE GASP) -ARCAND: First, we will round up all Canadian Jews and ship them off to the Hudson Bay. Then... we will fire cannons at their boats and sink them! -(ALL GASP) -Why are you not applauding? MAURICE: Naturally, these atrocious ideas were met with derisions from the good and mighty people of Quebec. -(SPITS) This plan is the shit! -(LAUGHS) MAURICE: But not everybody in attendance that day was from Quebec. Wunderbar! Wunderbar! (LAUGHS) MAURICE: Andronicus Arcane was a brilliant scientist from Berlin who was teaching at the University of Lachute in Quebec when he first heard the clarion call of the Nazi Party. So Adrien Arcand took Andronicus Arcane under his wing. And soon there were more. These jackbooted thugs would torment immigrants and minorities throughout Montreal. They called themself the National Unity Party of Canada. Which was a very polite way of saying... Canadian Nazis. (GLASS SHATTERS) So, whatever happened to these guys, Ms Maurice? They ever get caught? In 1940, the Surete du Quebec arrested Adrien Arcand, and under the War Measures Act, Arcand was locked up as a security threat to our home and native land. He died in 1967, still believing Hitler would rise again. -But what aboot the man from Berlin? -Oh, yeah, what aboot him? Andronicus Arcane? He was never found. Poof! He just disappeared. -BOTH: Poof? -(BELL RINGS) Perfect timing. Class dismissed! (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SIGHS) How basic! Straight from the Eh-2-Zed, it's the Mountie McBeaver doll. (HIGH-PITCHED) "Ooh, where'd all my beaver stuffies go?" "Well, frankly, Tabitha, I don't give a damn about your beavers." Are you doing me? (LAUGHS) That's hysterical. I know. Come on. Isn't anybody on duty? Who's dropping a duty in my office? Oh! (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) What a nice surprise! It's Lulu AND Lemon. BOTH: Good afternoon, Principal Invincible. Good afternoon, Colleen Squared. -We're here for our phones. -We haven't had them since PE. Ms Wicklund unjustly confiscated them, and Colleen here fainted. -I passed oot. -Oh. We're not pressing charges or anything. We're not going crazy. We just want our phones back now, please. Oh, of course, girls, and I am so, so sorry that that happened to you. The sad tale of heart-wrenching woe. I mean, it could win an Oscar, really. You could write it up, sell it and win an Oscar. Seriously. You could call it, '12 Years a Private School Student'. You see what I did there? I compared your privileged lives to slaves. And that's weird. Cos I'm black. -(BOTH LAUGH) -That's not funny. BOTH: Sorry, Principal Invincible. Here. And keep your faces out of your phones ` I don't care if they do have a cool gummy rubber cover that you can personalise. -We have the same case! -I know. -Very trendy, my friendy. -(BOTH LAUGH) -Oh, ladies, I am an educator. It is my job to shape the minds of the young and the stupid, so I need to be able to think like the young and the stupid. Which means I'm not gonna let my students be cooler than me. I do my research. I read this rag weekly. -Oh my God! We read that every week. -Oh, I know. The 'Famous People Are Just Like You' page is the best. You know, when they, like, show celebrities doing normal things, like, just like us. That is the best part of 'Them Weekly'. One time, they showed Harry Styles buying bacon. -It was so hot. -It was so hot. OK. All right. I need to run the school. Be good, Colleens, and be nice, all right? -There's enough haters in the world already. -BOTH: Yes, Principal Invincible. Oh my God. My phone's dead. My phone's dead! -Oh my God, MY phone's dead! -MAN: Children, you should not play with dead things. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Bonjour. My name is Guy Lapointe. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Right here, and so the good news is, your school library does indeed have a copy of my book. 'Guy Lapointe and the Quite Queer Case 'of the Manitoba Manatee'. The bad news is, regrettably, some naughty student has decided to deface it by changing the word 'Guy' and adding an 'A' so that it says 'Gay'. -(GIRLS LAUGH) -And also... they added a set of testicles right under my nose. -You see that? Do you see that? -(LAUGHS) With the kind of, you know, awful pokey hair, I don't know why, sticking out of them. -You can put it down now. -Oh. OK. Haters have got to hate like the douches have to douche. That's the life right there in a nutshell. And I'm not referring to that... nutshell either. I don't know if you guys remember this, but, you know, we did meet once before. -Do you? -Oh, we remember you. -You do? -Yeah. You came to the Eh-2-Zed with that American girl and that podcaster. -Yeah, you're the legendary man-hunter from Quebec. -Yes. I am that man. -The man who saved the Winnipeg Walrus. -Wow. You know something? That's... That's a very good title. 'Guy Lapointe and the Winnipeg Walrus'. Goddammit. I should have chose that title. But, you know, still, we did OK without it. I mean, one critic even described my book as, like, you know, um, like a... a John Grisham-ish thriller who was set in the Canada. That review, I showed to my mother. -Aw. -Hmm. And, you know, that was, like, the good one, and the rest of them were not so kind, you see. I read one from the Toronto paper that said, "This is what happens when you publish a poop." (BOTH LAUGH) People can be goddamn mean, you know? Sorry. That was... That was very rude. -Sorry aboot that. -Right. On to my questions, then. Do either of you recognise this very proud and quite hairy Canadian? That was that giant fart that called us yoga hosers. -Oh! Toilet Paper Man. -Yeah. -Why Toilet Paper Man? -Because he bought toilet paper. -He bought toilet paper. -Duh. And for this reason alone, you call this man the Toilet Paper Man? -Well, yeah. -Yeah. -I don't mean to be a critic. Maybe I do. Maybe you need to be hurt. I'm telling you now, that is one of the stupidest names I ever heard in my life, very unimaginative. -That's pretty rude. -Yeah. This man's name is the Francois Wah. He's from Gatineau, Quebec, and he was a fugitive from the law, and he was hiding out right here. -Hiding from what? -He was hiding from the investigating prowess of the Surete du Quebec. Which is kind of a joke, because, like, they couldn't find their own buttholes even with, like, a butthole application on their telephone to find their butthole. -OK. -I probably shouldn't say 'butthole' to two 14-year-old girls. -I'm so sorry. -We're 15 and a half. Well, whatever. You sold a roll of Eh-2-Zed discount-brand bathroom tissue, uh, to the Toilet Paper Man at what time? -Right aboot closing. -Yeah. He was all mad cos we had the store closed for, like, five minutes, cos we were going to the bathroom. You went to the bathroom together? Well, yeah. I had to poop, and I don't like to go alone there. -The toilet's weird. -So while she's pooping,... you're sitting there with her. Yeah. We're... best friends. Yeah. -Why would we not? -That's quite disgusting. Best of luck on your academic journey. (CHUCKLES) I don't know what you plan to do in life, but I can promise you that you won't need algebra. -I knew it. -Good day. Well, wait. What'd Toilet Paper Man do? Oh. So, Toilet Paper Man was killed. -Oh my God. -He was cut into, like, a hundred pieces. -Ew! -Ugh! No way. Well, anyway, you two girls with the same name, I thank you so much for your time, and I give you the au revoir that I should have given you before, but I thank you. OK. Ew. Why did your dad text me, like, 37 times? Oh my God! He's making us work tonight! -(BOB LAUGHS) -You're going to Niagara Falls?! Yep! Cruising like a couple of Californians. How about that? -Right now?! -Yeah! -You can't leave. -Ah! It's Niagara Falls, Colleen. We're setting sail on the Maid of the Mist! When did this happen? Oh, Tabitha surprised me with it as an early birthday present this morning. -BOTH: Tabitha! -OK, you listen to me. I left you 10 messages and a bushel of texts. -I'm sorry, but you gotta work at the store tonight. -We can't, actually. Yes, you can, Colleen M, cos I cleared it with your mum, and you'll stay with the McKenzies until Sunday morning. Mr Collette, we got invited to a Grade 12 party tonight. Do you not remember? All I remember is Tabitha telling me something about flying to Niagara Falls, and after that, it is a blur of bliss! (LAUGHS) -TABITHA: So heavy, Bob! -(BOB AND TABITHA LAUGH) Let me get that for you. I love the leopard print. OK, girls. You're gonna be working from 6pm until closing. And don't forget to set the alarm before you lock up. OK? You did this on purpose, didn't you? You could have taken him any day, but you picked today just so we couldn't go the party. I have no idea what you're talking about, Colleen. -Oh! -TABITHA: Goddamned yoga hosers. Oh, I love you so much, Cauliflower. I love you so much. Listen. No boys. No boys. No boys. No boys. OK. I gotta go. Dad! Dad! -(LAUGHS) -Dad! Dad, you can't leave! -Dad! -Come on, please! -(SINGS) # Babe, I'm leaving. -# I must be on my way. -No! # Please believe me. my heart is in your hands. -# And I'll... # -(BOTH SCREAM) Oh my God! No! No! No, no, no! Oh, you are killing me. You understand me? Killing me! Bark all you want, Lawyer Pants, USA. I am not ceasing or desisting. Oh, is that so? Well, I think you're being "rather obtuse and super-fruity". So let's just say namaste and leave it at that, eh? Namaste! Piece of beaver shit! -COLLEEN M: Beaver shit? -(YOGI BAYER SIGHS) Oochia, oochia. Sorry, girls. I am so sorry you girls had to hear that parasite stealing my energy, this legal entitlement. Why does that lawyer from Warner Bros even keep calling you, Yogi Bayer? Oh, who knows? He says there's some cartoon character that I'm violating. You know, how can you violate a cartoon? -How can you own a cartoon, right? -GIRLS: Yeah. It's, like, a thing that doesn't exist. -Rude. -It's like owning a leprechaun. -GIRLS: Rude. -YOGI BAYER: So rude. OK. Let's get back into it. Enough Saskatooning. (CLEARS THROAT) Let's get back into our warrior one. Up to. Perfection, Colleen C. -BASSY MUSIC: Namaste. -Hold that pose, Colleen M. Hold it. -Warrior two. -BASSY MUSIC: Namaste. (INHALES) Come and get me now, you serenity stealers. All you need to handle any situation in life are the warrior one and warrior two positions, girls, OK? Master those, and you will master anyone who gives you shit. Now, let's go lotus for our closing meditation. Yoga teaches us to take what the universe gives and what? -COLLEEN C: Embrace it? -Nope. Fight against it. We fight against it. Yoga demands that we grab the universe by the throat, and we just choke it until it bends to our will. We inflict yoga on our enemies until they join us in peace. Always be peaceful change, girls. But if you have to, you destroy everything that threatens anyone or anything that you love, by hook or by crook. -That's the yoga way. -GIRLS: Wow. Please join me in a final prayer. Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett. ALL: Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett! Yoga Fett! Yoga Fett! And sorry-not-sorry! Confetti fingers. -(ELECTRONIC MUSIC) -MAN ON RADIO: Caller, go ahead. MAN 2: Hey, Bob. Big fan and first-time caller. Hey. Pack of True North Menthol. -(PACKET SLAPS) -Those are Lights. BOTH: Sorry aboot that. You know, girls, that's just not very Canadian. Come on, Robin. Let's get out of here. MAN: When is one's virginity technically lost? Like, when... You know, what is the process, when you're going through the sex process... (CREATURE CHATTERS) When can one come out at the end of it and say, like...? (CELL PHONE RINGS, CREATURE CHATTERS) -Hunter's calling. -So answer. -(MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) -Hello? HUNTER: Colleen McKenzie! -Hunter! -Where you at? You're missing a killer Grade 12 party over here! Please don't hate us, but we got called into work tonight. -Well, that sucks! -Yeah, it really sucks. Because there's, like, nobody here tonight either. -(DING!) -Holy shit. -What? -We could have a party right here. -(BOTH SCREAM) -Here, here. Hunter? Hello. This is Colleen C. We unfortunately cannot make it to your party tonight, but we wanna invite you to another party. -BOTH: At the Eh-2-Zed! -(ROCK MUSIC BLARES) -Hold on. This shit's loud. Let me go to the bedroom so I can hear. -(LAUGHS) -Stupid. -(LOWERS VOLUME) -Stupid. -You want me to bring the party to you guys? Won't your dad flip if we're drinking beers in the Zed? Oh, don't you worry aboot that. My dad's long gone in Niagara Falls with the store manager. And bring beers. We don't have any booze here. -Did you say boobs? -Give me that phone, Hunter. COLLEEN M: Booze-ah, booze-ah! Oh. What time should we head to the Zed? -9 o'clock? -Perfect. We'll be there. -And I can't wait... -(GLASS SHATTERS) -...to see you, Colleen M, show you what I'm really all aboot. GORDON: What the hell was that?! -HUNTER: Here we go. -Going to the Zed again is so stupid! (SCREAMS) Sorry. Now,... follow me on this, Gordon. These girls just gift-wrapped themselves for us. We were gonna have to dig shallow graves after we cut 'em up. Now, we're going to their store. If we kill 'em in the store, shit, we can take our time, do it right. We can leave their bodies right between the Pucky Charms and the Chug-Eh-Lugs. And all we gotta do is take the money from the register, -break some shit on the way out... -...and make it look like a failed robbery gone bad, eh? These stupid sophomore bitches want to have a party at the Zed? We'll give 'em a party at the Zed. -(BLADE RINGS) -Their farewell party, yo. ('FRENCH DISCO IN SPACE' BY KID MOXIE) # Trois, deux, un... # -COLLEEN M: Where should I kiss Hunter tonight? -Ew-uh. Lips only. -I mean in the store. -Keep it tasteful, McKenzie. -Don't whore him on the first date. Casual, not contrived. -You give the best advice. -You're my best friend in the whole world. -Aw. You're mine. Hear that? That's our destiny knocking at the back door. (BOTH SIGH) # DJ's spinning records off Saturn's rings. # Hip babies go crazy when Jacques Dutronc starts to sing... -BOTH: Hi. -Ladies. We are here to cordially accept your invitation to party hardy. -BOTH: We? -GORDON: Party! Yeah! -What's he doing here? -And where's everybody else? # French Disco in space... # Hmm. Where's everybody else? Well, when I made the other seniors the same very generous offer you made me to move the party here... Yeah, they all laughed at you. Talia Simmons said, and I quote,... (HIGH-PITCHED) "A party at the scummy Eh-2-Zed with those two little girls from honours history? "No way, eh?" -(HIGH-PITCHED) "I'd rather kiss Gordon Greenleaf." -(HIGH-PITCHED) "I'd rather kiss..." -She didn't say that, man! -She was thinking it. Anyways, I've never been much of a follower, so I left all those losers behind and came here to hang with you two. -You left your own party? -Parties are basic. This is better. This is what they call in the States a kickback. -States, eh? -HUNTER: And I brought Gordon so Colleen C would have someone to talk to while little Miss Colleen M gives me... a private tour. (GASPS) SONG: # Let's party. Let's party. Let's go... Looks like it's just us, eh? Hey. Maybe we should form the Just Us League. -A little kickback hook-up. -Yeah! (LAUGHS) So, this is the Eh-2-Zed back room, again. (HUNTER SIGHS) # Like it's the end of the world... # -Epic. -Colleen and I call it the highway to hell. Cos Eh-2-Zed's right through that door. And Eh-2-Zed's pretty much our hell. -Highway to hell? -Mm-hm. Wow. (CHUCKLES) Devil talk always gives me goose bumps. -Oh. -See? -See? -Yeah. -You believe in Satan? -I used to believe in Santa. Does that count? -(LIQUID FLOWS) -Mmm! (LAUGHS) -So basic. -GORDON: Mmm! (LAUGHS) Me and Gordon are way into Satan. -Ooh. -Kind of like how you and Colleen are way into yoga. -Mm. -Or your band. -Yeah. -Now, the good news is that we're Canadian Satanists. So we don't go in for any of that touchy stuff. -Mm. -Your virtue stays intact. -It's gotta. You know why? -Why? You see, Satan seeks his souls pure. And there are no virgins in Grade 12. -Mm-hm. -All the virgins are in Grade 10. Well, I've just been waiting for the right person. -In the right place. -You are so adorable, McKenzie. You think I want your body? I don't want your body. I just want your untouched virgin soul. -OK. -But, well, the shit sandwich of it all... -Hmm. -(BLADE RINGS) I kinda gotta cut you open to get to it. Oh. You know,... I'll be right back. Just one sec. Colleen! -(GASPS) -I thank you for your sacrifice, Colleen M. Every pure soul I give to Satan brings me one step closer to meeting the beast, and that's gonna be so metal. -(KNIFE CLICKS) -Ah! What the hell's that? That's my mom's dating knife pointed at your balls! -OK. -Is that enough metal for you? -Or do you want more? -Oh, no, no, no, no, no. -Can we talk aboot this? -Talk to the mohel! -OK. OK. -Put the knife down, pretty boy. -Oh. OK. -(CLEARS THROAT) -(KNIFE CLANGS) -Knife's down. -(SIGHS) (SIGHS) I guess I got a little carried away there. (CHUCKLES) Sorry aboot that. And I was gonna let you get to second base. -(FABRIC RIPS) -(SCREAMS) Argh! Argh! Argh! There's something inside of me! -(GROANS) -(GURGLING) -Are you OK? Help me! (CLATTERING, CLANGING) (SQUELCHING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) -Oh my God! -Wunderbar! Colleen? Colleen? -Here we go. -COLLEEN C: Colleen! Colleen? -McKenzie! -(FABRIC RIPS) -(SHRIEKS) -Gordon, please, stop begging, OK? -You are not getting any. -My ass. Gordon, I swear to God, if you puke, you're cleaning it up. -(GURGLING, FARTING) -Something just crawled up my ass! (WAILS) -Is this what happens when you smoke weed? -Argh! Ugh! Ugh! Whoa! (WHIMPERS) No! (GAGS) (SNAP!) Oh my God. Colleen? Wunderbar! -(SCREAMS) -(GIBBERS MANIACALLY) -COLLEEN M: Argh! -Gah! -(PANTS) -Hey. -What the hell was that? Nein, nein, nein. Nein, nein. -Scheisse! -Oh, hell no. -Gah! -Nein! -(COLLEEN M GROWLS) -Shut up! -Nein. -Shut up! -Yah! -(MICROWAVE BEEPS) -(PANTS) (WHIMPERS) Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein! Auf Wiedersehen! -Bah! -Argh! -(BOTH PANT) -(MICROWAVE BEEPS) Did you know Hunter Calloway was religious? -Argh! -Ja! Ja! Ja! Oh, you piece of shit! -(GIBBERS TAUNTINGLY) -Shut up. -(CONTINUES CHATTERING) -Pull. -Ew, no. -PULL! -OK, OK, OK, OK! -(HOLLERS) -(WHIMPERS) -Nein stretchy! Nein stretchy! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Mein Kampf! Ugh. * (ZAP!) - (WHIMPERS) - (COLLEEN C SHRIEKS) Security lights. (PHONE RINGS) -911, eh? -Hello. We're being attacked by little sausage men with concentrated sauerkraut for blood that look like Adolf Hitler. -Go. -DISPATCHER: Oh, Hitler, eh? Well, he sure is a nasty camper. Worse than Doctor Doom and Darth Vader combined. -(CHUCKLES) Yeah, boy! -Shut up, old man. Send cops to Eh-2-Zed on Portage and Wayne, and bring some body bags. -Little ones. -Hurry! -Hello? Hello? Goddamn yoga hosers. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) -Wunderbar! -(ALL CHATTER EVILLY) Man! (PANTS) We've got wieners. Check over there. -Scheisse. -Wunderbar! -(ALL CHATTER) Seriously? -It's a sausage party. -I don't wanna die in Canada! -We're not gonna die in Canada. -But there's no other way out. -There's always another way. The yoga way. -The yoga way? -The yoga way. -BASSILY: Namaste. -OK. Warrior one. -Hold it, McKenzie. Hold it. -OK. Warrior two back to back. Das Frauleins! Now, on warrior three, we yoga the shit out of these bratwurst bitches, OK? -OK. -Warrior three! (SCREAMS) (GASPS, SPEAKS GERMAN GIBBERISH) I'm not even supposed to be here today! -(SHRIEKS) -Schnell! Nein, nein, nein! -Scheisse! -Take off! -Nein! Wunderbar! -Argh! -Thank you. SONG: # Someone roars, Bobby scores at the good ol' hockey game... -Yo! -Yi, yi, yi? -Slap shot! (SHRIEKS) # And the best game you can name it's the good ol' hockey game... -I've got about 10 left. -COLLEEN M: Got about the same. Then let's drop that puck! Go! (SHRIEKS) # The hockey players face off down the rink. # And the Stanley Cup is all filled up # for the champs who win the drink. # Now the final flick of a hockey stick # and the one gigantic scream. The puck is in, the home team wins # the good ol' hockey game. # The good ol' hockey game, it's the best game you can name. # And the best game you can name is the good ol' hockey game. # The good ol' hockey game # is the best game you can name. # And the best game you can name is the good ol' hockey. # It's in! He shoots! He scores! # Colleen scores for Canada! -# Whoo! # -BOTH: Wow. (SCREAMS) -MAN 1: Freeze! -MAN 2: RCMP! Hands up! Hands up! MAN 3: Don't you move, you goddamn yoga hosers! MAN 2: RCMP! MAN 3: Freeze! -This is so basic. -This is beyond basic. (CRASHING JAZZ DRUMROLL) -So basic. -Shh! -Stop it. -I'm itchy. -Stop it. All right, come on. Come on now. All right, you got aboot 10 minutes before the RCMP come back. I'll try to stall them as long as I can. You know, thank you very much for doing this. -I cannot know how to repay you. -No, no. Thank you. -Look, this book is my bible. -Oh. And you're like a goddamn Canadian Batman, eh? Oh, that is so touching. I cannot begin... I'll stall. I'll stall. So,... (GROANS) Ugh. I thought that maybe you might need a stiff drink. You saw my mom? Where is she? Well, she's out there, and she's trying to post bail, you know. Your father, whose name, I think, is Bob Collette, they are having a heck of a time getting in touch with that man. He's in Niagara Falls. The RCMP will not let your mommy bail you our of here, because the RCMP can't ever let serial killers out on bail. And they are saying that you are both serial killers, because you killed those two boys. You know, you killed the absolute shit out of them. -But we didn't kill the boys. -We didn't kill anybody. -THEY were gonna kill US. -They were devil worshippers. -Yeah. I don't really know much about the devil, but... -Here we go. -BOTH: Ugh! Somebody sure put their poop holes through hell, you know? We didn't do this. -Who did, then? -It was the Bratzis. Bratzis? I want to know what this Bratzi is. What is a Bratzi? It's, like, a foot-tall Canadian Nazi, and it's made of bratwurst. They have concentrated sauerkraut for blood. -And they're just like Mountie McBeaver stuffies. -Are you guys tripping on the pot? I mean, do you even hear how crazy that sounds? Oh, yes, so I go down to the old Eh-2-Zed, and I have a look around myself, you know, Guy Lapointe style. And do you want to know what I believe now? What? I believe... that I believe you. -You saw them? -Yeah, I saw only this, you know. It was buried in a wad of cheese at the back of the microwave. I found this too. Mm. -What's this? -This is a land-purchase agreement signed in 1939 by the self-proclaimed Canadian Fuhrer, Adrien Arcand, for 100 acres in the Winnipegs. On this now sits a little store that could be very near and dear to your hearts, I think so. -Lululemon? -He's talking about the Zed. -Oh. -Canadian Nazis were the original landowners of that piece of land where that store is now. And it is my theory that these horrific monsters never left. That's why I need both of you to help me solve this quite queer case of the untold tale buried beneath the Canadian convenience store, which is probably what I should call the book, I think. OK, so when do we get out of here? We don't get out of here. I do. You don't. Because you're in the jail. -Right? -(SIGHS) Let me speak to this fool in French for a second. Excuse me. (SPEAKS FRENCH) As you see, I can get myself inside the Eh-2-Zed quite easily, little kitty cat woman, smartypantsies. She's saying that I need her for the secret passageway. -What secret passageway? -The Colleen who doesn't speak the French has never heard of the passageway. Merde. That means 'shit'. (OMINOUS MUSIC) Aw, it's Hunter's chalk line. Ew. -Maybe we should Instagram it. -Ooh, right! Mr Lapointe, can we have our phones back now? You want your phones? No, I did not steal your phones. -You didn't get our phones?! -Do you mean that when I was illegally breaking you out of the jail that I forgot to steal your precious telephones? Is that what you're trying to say? Well, I'm sorry I'm so selfish. Right? How can I ever make it up to you? Well, you can start by letting us change out of these prison rags. Yeah, they make us look fat. You listen to me, you Lady Gagas. You know that this is not a photograph shoot for the Canadian 'Vogue'. And I did not bring for you a wardrobe stylist with all that frilly business. So what would you like to do? We have our yoga clothes and backup smocks in the bathroom. Can we at least go change into that? Yeah, and I'll take that over this 'Orange is the New Black' bullshit any day. You have one Manitoba minute, and then you will show me the secret passageway, so you must hurry up. Hey, oh, whoa. No poopy stuff. BOTH: Ew! OK, Colleen, seriously, why didn't you tell me about the secret passageway? -That's so cool! -Seriously, there is no secret passageway. I'm pretty sure there is a secret passageway. -You said there was. -I'm pretty sure I only said that to get us out of jail, Colleen. God, if we don't prove that Bratzis exist, we're going away for murder. COLLEEN M: But what aboot Guy Lapointe? COLLEEN C: I don't know, Colleen. I guess I tell him there is no secret passageway. (COLLEENS SCREAM) (DRAMATIC SYMPHONIC MUSIC) -(SPLAT!) -Ow! -(SCREAMS) -Das boo! (SHRIEKS) (GRUNTS) (CACKLES) (GENTLE SYMPHONIC MUSIC) (DRAMATIC SYMPHONIC MUSIC) (CHUCKLES) (GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, you're awake. -Wunderbar. Wunderbar. -BRATZIS: Wunderbar! Wunderbar! -Bratzis, no? -BOTH: Bratzis. I would like to welcome you to my Canadian subterranean stronghold, located 37ft below the surface of Winnipeg. Und I am Andronicus Arcand. It's that guy Mr Maurice told us aboot in honours history. -The man from Berlin? -"Poof, he disappeared." -Poof? -ANDRONICUS: Ja, Frauleins. I am from Berlin. This is why I have an accent that sounds both scary und creepy. (LAUGHS) So, in an effort to make our future communications less spooky and more friendly, I will now be speaking only in the voice of American movie star Al Pacino. (CHUCKLES, COUGHS) (IMITATES AL PACINO) I bet all you need are the dulcet tones of one of Hollywood's greatest living actors. -Hoo-ah. -Do you know what? That's not a half-bad Al Pacino there. -Thank you. -Who? -Al Pacino. Al Pacino. He was an American president. -Oh. -(SOFTLY) Jeez. You see, the Third Reich imprisoned me here inside the Canadian subterranean stronghold to build a clone army that would conquer Canada and the United States of America. Hoo-ha! I used my own DNA and made the clone bodies from the finest bratwurst and sauerkraut direct from Deutschland. So, in 1945, I initiated the 100-year-long incubation process, and I put myself on ice in a cryogenic chamber timed to wake up when my little wiener babies were full-grown clones. But 70 years later,... -# We've got real def rhythms. -# And fresh new jams. -# You say we got egos... # ...the little Colleens would change everything simply by singing a song. (ELECTRICITY ZAPS) Goddamn it! Ichabod, how much did you plug into that socket? But you told me to plug everything into that socket! We're 14 years old, Ichabod. Yeah, what are we supposed to know about physics, Ichabod? Oh, man, you guys wouldn't talk to me this way if I was covered in tattoos. ANDRONICUS: The power outage in the Eh-2-Zed that night shorted out my ancient Canadian subterranean generator,... (ELECTRICITY ZAPS) ...so I woke up prematurely from my cryogenic slumber. But the incubation process had also been interrupted,... Papa! ...forever stunting the growth of my wiener babies. My life's work was a failure. -Hoo-ah. -That's so sad. Ja, maybe it would be less sad coming from American tough guy Sylvester Stallone. (CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT) (IMITATES SYLVESTER STALLONE) So, you know, even though making clones was my life's work, it wasn't my passion, you know? COLLEEN C: This guy sounds like Groot. No, he was being Sylvester Stallone. -Who? -So, anyway, before I got into science and before the war and before I met Adrien Arcand, -I was, like, "Yo, Adrien". -Adrien is the wife in the movie of the Rocky Rambo. -He's very good. -And before the Nazi no-good-nicks took over my life, I was an artist, you know? And my art was sculpting, you know? I'd chip away at the marble until it was beautiful to me, you know? I loved being an artist, except for one thing. I'm talking about the goddamn critics, you know? They told me I had no talent. They told me I stink on ice! They were so negative and hurtful, they cut me, Mick. They drove me away from doing the thing I really loved to do, you know, and being who I am. That's when I found Adrien Arcand and the Canadian Nazis and, you know, Hitler. -BOTH: Aw. -Right? You know that this man is not a puppy on the internet, right? Maybe my Stallone is too aggressive. I will switch to a Hollywood impression that is less threatening. (CLEARS THROAT) (IMITATES ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER) So, I didn't want to be a Nazi for the rest of my life. The exit tunnel of my Canadian subterranean stronghold brought me to the back room of the Eh-2-Zed, and one night, after closing, I took my first steps into a brave new world. (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) So, every night after the store closed, I would make myself at home in the Eh-2-Zed back room, where I learned to speak English and do voices by watching every single thing on Netflix. (IMITATES ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER) I'll be back. And I discovered that this modern world worships popular arts and entertainment. I'll be back. (IMITATES ED WYNN) So, for the past six months, I've been sculpting again, don't you know? Sculpting up a storm with the help of my wicked little wiener babies. BRATZIS: Wunderbar! Wunderbar! May I present the debut of my first new work in decades? It's a sculpture celebrating my beloved adopted home of Canada! I call it the Goalie Golem. (COLLEENS GASP) So, what does everybody think? Well,... I will tell you that this giant Canada man is very bold, and it's a real statement, you know? -Mm-hm? -It captures perfectly that kind of an essence of the True North, no? Oh, thank you. But it also captures the actual people that you killed in the sculpture as well, regrettably. -Hmm. -So I'm thinking that we should all be very afraid right now. But Mr Lapointe, you and the Colleens were never in any jeopardy. You see, I brought the Colleens here to help me. I have a need for their very specialised skills. I don't mean to be mean, but, like, I don't know who this is either. -(GERMAN ACCENT) Rats! -Do you wanna do someone we, like, recognise? Hmm. Do you know the actor who played the Batman? I can do him too. (CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT) (IMITATES ADAM WEST'S BATMAN) You see, girls, each night, as I slaved away over my masterpiece, one dream fuelled me. That does not sound like Batman. Yeah, Batman sounds like... (IMITATES CHRISTIAN BALE'S BATMAN) ..."Where's the trigger? -"Urhh." -"Where's the trigger?" -"Urhh. Where's the trigger?" BOTH: "Urhh! Where's the trigger?" -"Urhh!" (BOTH LAUGH) -No, you don't understand. He's doing the original, the real Batman from the televisions. - Adam West's Batman, wasn't it? - Yes. -It's supposed to sound like, "Urhh. -"Where's the trigger, Joker?" -"Urhh!" -"Where's the trigger?" Do you know he never once said that line to the Joker? So just stop it. The only thing I've dreamed of for the past six months is looking at a photograph of me standing proudly next to my sculpture on the 'Famous People Are Just Like You' page of 'Them Weekly' magazine. Oh, my God, he reads it too! -Isn't that page, like, the best? -One time, they showed Harry Styles buying bacon. -It was so hot. -It was so hot. And this is my Harry Styles buying bacon moment! Now you are please to photograph me for 'Them Weekly' magazine. You're kidding. You are never going to believe this, Mr Old Man, but... ...we don't have our phones. What? Nein? Nein, nein, nein, nein! So much nein, it's almost 10! How can this be? You always have mit the phones! The cops took our phones. (LAUGHS) Surely you must have a phone, Herr Guy. -My phone has no camera. -ARCANE: What the fudge?! So nobody has a camera. I guess we have to go directly to phase two of my master plan. -(LAUGHS) -(BRATZIS YELL AND MUTTER) (LAUGHS) Fly, my pretties! Fly! Come on! -(BRATZIS CHATTER) -That's right. Yes! Yes, wiener babies, let's go. Come on. Come on. (SINGS) # Let's all go to the lobby. -# Let's all go to the lobby! # (LAUGHS) -BOTH: Wow. They're just following orders. That's all they're doing. -BRATZIS: Goodbye. Goodbye. -(LAUGHS) And OK for you, Mr Straggler, now you inside there. (BRATZIS CHATTER) Now, my wiener babies, bring mein art to life! -Rise! Rise! -(BRATZIS GROAN) Rise! Huh? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby! (CACKLES) -BOTH: Wow. -Wow. And that's the same thing that 'Them Weekly' magazine's gonna feel when they see this baby! For tonight, he is going to start his bloody rampage across the True North, killing every art critic in Canada! -BOTH: What?! -(LAUGHS) Go, my Goalie Golem! Go kill the critics and all the haters that gotta hate! Oh, I hate those haters! -You can't let him do this! -You gotta stop him! Hang on. Hang on a minute. He's not talking about killing real people. He's just talking about killing critics. -Mr Lapointe! -ARCANE: That's it! Go! Use the ladder! Go, mein Goalie Golem! (CACKLES) -We can do this. -Yeah. -We don't need his help! -We do tonnes of stupid stuff without adults... -BOTH: All the time! It's just a bunch of Bratzis in a giant suit, and we beat a bunch of Bratzis before. Yeah. OK. But what are we gonna do aboot Guy La-pointless over here? -This epic fail? Ugh. -LAPOINTE: Unhand me. Unhand me! OK, all we have to do is do every yoga pose Yogi Bayer ever taught us. That's your plan? What in the heck did your yoghurt instructor teach you? He taught us to destroy everything that threatens anything and anyone you love, by hook or by crook! And that's the yoga way, Frenchie. Let's go! * BRATZIS: Ba-ba-wunderbar! -Hey, Bratzi Party! -We wanna have a wienie roast! (BRATZIS CHATTER) Wunderbar! Wunderbar! Nein, das Frauleins! Wunderbar! Wunderbar! Wunderbar! Wunderbar! -Wunderbar! -Nein, nein, nein, nein. Nein! Your objective is not the Colleens; it's the critics! -Nein wunderbar? -Nein wunderbar! This is all bad! This is all wrong! I give you two thumbs down. Das Frauleins! As your maker, I command you to crush all the critics and the negative peoples and the haters who gotta hate, hate, hate. -Mein heinie! -What are you waiting for?! -(LAUGHS) I command you to kill a negative critic right now! -Okey-doke, Papa! -Oh scheisse. -(BRATZIS YELL) -(SPLAT!) Ooh. They just killed their dad! BRATZIS: Wunderbar! Wunderbar! Wunderbar! -Yah. Yah. -All right, I'd say we got his attention. Boss stage, biotch! -Wunderbar! -Warrior one. Now warrior two back to back. -OK, now on warrior three,... -...we crush King Koopa and save Princess Peach. -Yeah. OK. -(BRATZIS GROWL) -Warrior three! SONG: # This dead man, he has 10, he gets -# filled with wiener men. -(BURPS) # With a hit back, paddywhack in a cover pose, # he's a dead man. Down he goes... Shit! -Atlas shrugged! Atlas shrugged! -(BURPS) Dissatisfied customer! -(SCREAMS) -(YELLS) I don't like the product you've given me! -(SCREAMS) -So this is yoga. -# This dead man, he has... -Warrior two! -Yoga Fett? -Yoga Fett. BOTH: Yoga Fett! Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett! -Yoga... -(ROARS) -Basic, right? -So basic. (YELLS IN GERMAN) # This dead man, he has six. # He kills dudes with hockey sticks... -You OK? -I'm OK. Are you OK? -It's been a long night. -Hey! -(GROWLS) You big bear riding a bulldozer! Wunderbar. Wunderbar. Why don't you pick on somebody your own size, huh? Wunderbar! Hmm. Don't come to me. Wunderbar. Wunderbar. -Wunderbar. -# This dead man... Auf Wiedersehen! -(LAUGHS) -Three-legged dog! -What the...? -Ooh! -Two-legged dog in a pushcart! (SCREAMS) # This old man, he had none. We kicked his ass... Mein spine. (GROANS) Of all the times not to have our phones. -Right? -# He's a dead man, down he goes. # He's a dead man, down he goes. -# Down. Down. -(SCREAMS) # Down. Down! # I am so sorry, ladies. I seem to have dropped my book on to your wiener. (BOTH LAUGH) (SNORTS, LAUGHS) (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) YOGI BAYER: No, no. No, no, no. No! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous. Now you're telling me that you own Boo-Boo Bayers too? Well, how can Warner Brothers own something that I just made up last week? No, I did. Yes, out of my own brain! Smarter than what average bear? No, no, no. Sorry, sorry. May I speak? Is it my turn to speak? I think you need to find some inner peace, Mr Yelling Lawyer Man, so why don't you shove your head up your anus and look for it? Namaste! Ah, piece of shit! (KNOCK AT DOOR) MAN: Young ladies? Young ladies? Might I just tell you I am a huge, huge, huge fan. -Out! Get out! Take off! Shoo! -I'm a fan! -No, no, no! You go! Shoo! Get going! -What am I, a dog? -No, go! Go! -But I wanna see them! You're smudging my glass with your perverted energy, go! Sorry aboot that, girls. Very good. I'm very satisfied by those dissatisfied customers. No, we don't want it, right? And release. -Sorry aboot that guy, Yogi Bayer. -No, no, no. Do not be sorry. That is not the yoga way. In yoga, you're right and they're wrong! Savasana, ladies. Savasana. You know, I am so proud of you girls. You really legitimised this place, and brought honour to the sacred strip mall yoga dojo and a 60% increase in walk-in traffic to boot. My two best pupils both faced the ultimate evil the yoga way, and you kicked its little Nazi asana. (LAUGHS) You girls are my kind of superheroes, and when I grow up I wanna be as colossal as the Colleens. -Thanks, Yogi. -Aw, thanks! Now stop it, you're gonna make me cry. -(PHONE RINGS) -Phones? -You're on speaker phone, Dad. -Hi, Mr Collette. -BOB: You've got work tonight! -(GROANS) -Ooh. Lucky you. You ready? -Already have a sign. -Oh, my God, Colleen! -What? Add another heart! Jesus. -Better? -Better. -Ready? -Ready. (HEAVY METAL MUSIC) (BOTH SING) # O Canada, # our home and native land. # True patriot love -# in all thy sons command. -# And daughters. # With glowing hearts, we see thee rise, # the True North strong and free. # From far and wide, # O Canada, # we stand on guard for thee. -Whoo! -# God, keep our land # glorious and free. -Whoo! -# O Canada, # we stand on guard for thee. -Whoo! -# O Canada, # we stand on guard # for thee. # -BOTH: En Francais! -# O Canada, # terre de nos aieux # ton front est ceint # de fleurons glorieux! # Car ton bras sait porter l'epee # il sait porter la croix # ton histoire est une epopee # des plus brillants exploits. (PLAYS GUITAR SOLO) # With glowing hearts, we see thee rise, # the True North strong and free. -Yow! -# From far and wide, O Canada, # we stand on guard for thee. -Yow! -# God keep our land # glorious and free. # O Canada, # we stand on guard for thee. # O Canada, # we stand on guard # for thee. # Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! MAN: Cut! Well done. (DARK MUSIC) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019. -Welcome to SModcast. I'm Kevin Smith. - Scott Mosier. Hey, Scott. So, from Edmonton, good ol' Yeg, a team of police officers were... -SCOTT: Open up, yoga hoser! -(LAUGHTER) Yoga hoser! Genius. SCOTT: Do you guys want some twig tea? (LAUGHTER) SCOTT: You look like you could use some. -KEVIN: You look like a poutine eater. -(LAUGHTER) KEVIN: I enjoy a good poutine now and then. -Yeah, who doesn't? -Hey, hey, hey! KEVIN: Don't engage with this goddamn yoga hoser! (LAUGHTER) SCOTT: Don't go down the road with them! We got a database of yoga hosers. (LAUGHTER) KEVIN: You're the termites of Canada! Goddamn yoga hosers. SCOTT: Nah, we're the foundation of this great country! (LAUGHTER) SCOTT: With your smoky incense and your patchouli! (LAUGHTER) SCOTT: It smells like a Chinese brothel in here! (LAUGHTER) KEVIN: It's really hard out here for a yoga hoser, man. (LAUGHTER) SCOTT: I wanna start a podcast. (LAUGHTER) That's SModcast for this week, man. I'm Kevin Smith.