1 "What A Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke plays # Don't know much about history. (ringing) # Don't know much biology. # Don't know much about a science book. # Don't know much about the French I took. (Hitch) Basic principles ` no woman wakes up saying:, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today." # What a wonderful world this would be Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me." # Don't know much trigonometry Or something like, "I just need some space." Or my personal favourite: "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. That's why. You understand me? Lying. It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. She may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Get away from me now." Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." # Don't know much biology Well, which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language. 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. # What a wonderful world this would be Toby! Toby! Shit! Of course she's gonna lie to you. She's a nice person; she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings. What else is she gonna say? She doesn't even know you. Yet. (Hitch) Luckily, the fact is even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it. And that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Toby! Oh, my God! (horn honking) (sighing) Is this what you're looking for? Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. Just needs the right broom. # You can get it if you really want # You can get it if you really want # You can get it if you really want (Hitch) You cannot use what you do not have. So if you're shy, be shy. If you're outgoing, be outgoing. I-I'm not outgoing. That's okay. Now, she may not want the whole truth, but she does want the real you. She may not want to see it all at once, but she does want to see it. So tonight, when you're wondering what to say, how you look, or whether or not she likes you, just remember, she is already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you. It is your job not to mess it up. Huh? Huh? Huh? The shoes are hot. You went to the place I told you? Yeah, but I don't-- I don't think they're really me. "You" is a very fluid concept right now. You bought the shoes. You look great in the shoes. That's the you that I'm talking about. # It's easy to fall in love (Hitch) The key tonight is hang back. Give her plenty of space. If she lingers at a photograph, move on. But maintain the visual. It's easy to fall in love It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight. So when you leave the club, walk a little. Ask her what she thought about the show, what was her favourite photograph, why that one. And when she answers, don't be looking at her mouth. Don't be wondering what she looks like naked. Listen to what she is saying and respond. Listen and respond. Listen and respond. That way, when it's your turn to talk, you'll have something better to say than, "I like your mouth." What was your favourite one? The, uh, elephant, definitely. And all of a sudden, we're on date number two. Love Train by The O'Jays playing Ready. (camera clicking) # Everybody join hands No way. We're going back in there. You have to smile. In case you didn't go to high school, hitting is a good thing. So how does it happen, great love? Are you okay? Nobody knows. I'm good. Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady. But what I can tell you, is that it happens in the blink of an eye. (grunts) One moment, you're enjoying your life. And the next, you're wondering how you ever lived without them. # Get on board Three dates is all I need. # And let this train Three dates, and I'll get you here, to the high-stakes medal round, where eight out of ten women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship. # Come on, start a love train # Don't need no ticket # Please don't miss this train # At the station # 'Cause if you miss it, I feel sorry # Sorry for you # Well (ringing) # People all over the world, sisters and brothers # Join hands, come on # Start a love train # Come on # Love train (Hitch) After that, you're on your own. But always remember, life is not the amount of breaths you take. It's the moments that take your breath away. (car horns honking) Did I call it or did I call it? I mean, what did I say, six months? And when was her first date? So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I'm right. What is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks, even when they're going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole? She's only the most fabulous thing walking around New York. Thanks, Young. Are you kidding? Of course I'm gonna run it. Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat? Even if he is gorgeous. Hey, If he's stupid enough to cheat, then the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught. Exactly. I'm in the elevator. See you in a minute. Good morning, how are you? (woman) Great, Sara. Bitter, party of one. (laughs) Hey, you should try it sometime. Barbados by myself? I wouldn't last five minutes. It was just what the doctor ordered. I slept in, I did my yoga, I read a couple of books, flirted with my scuba instructor. And apparently never left the office. I know, isn't that great? You should've taken someone with you. Who? Who am I gonna take with me? This is where a boyfriend comes in handy. I don't have time for a boyfriend. You said that two years ago. Yes, and it's as true today as it was then. Hey. Hey. I thought you were on vacation. See if these are in focus and have them in my desk in an hour. Besides, relationships are for people that are just waiting for something better to come along. Ah, spoken like a true cynic. I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist. You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. What are you doing here? What is she doing here? She works here, remember? No, she doesn't. Not for another four days. This couldn't wait. Of course, it could. What are you doing? Go back to the beach. I don't want you here. Oh, no, really, you do. You are becoming a--a sick, workaholic lunatic, and this is exactly the kind of nervous, overwrought behaviour that leads to-- Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette. A very, very big raise. Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm. Comes with the job. You know, kiddo, there is more to life than watching other people live it. Can I help he was cheating on my beach? Hey, I think it's great that you're so good at your job. I'm just a little worried as to why. Let me worry about that. Okay. I want that column on my desk by lunch. So you'll pay for my hotel? For you to sip mai tais? I don't think so. Get out. Turn Me On by Kevin Lyttle playing # Hug me, hug me Oh, come on. What? That's good, right? No. No, it was in and it freaked out. You know what your problem is, Hitch? You're all about the short game. You pick your shots based on what you see first, not what's, uh, necessarily best for you... in the long run. All of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby. You know, I'm very happy for you. Just not meant for everybody. So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty, totally varied, wildly experimental short game. I was talking about pool, but, you know, whatever. Yeah, okay. Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience the unconditional love, and the trust, and the openness that I share with Grace every single day. Is--is this really barroom talk? You need to listen to me, man. I'm serious. Because when you get to a place with a woman like that, it's so beyond anything physical, that when I think back to when I used to run around with you and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women... I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic. (women chattering) # Hug me, hug me, kiss me, squeeze me # Hug me, hug me, kiss and caress me Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic. Yeah, that's pathetic. Uh-huh? (Sara) So, how'd you meet him? I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs. And he was doing likewise? No. Yeah, actually, he said he was buying somethin' for his mom. His mom? Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother? Well, maybe he was looking for a robe. Oh, Casey. Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman. Well, I prefer the mother story. I know you prefer it, but that's not the point. No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar. Why not? Because that's how you wind up... Like me? Is that what you were gonna say? No. I was gonna say, "Like you." What's his name? Why? I'm gonna Google him. No. Google your own guy. Let's just see if his mother's still alive. So when is Grace due again? Soon. You excited? What'd you say? Do you want me to go get them and bring them over here? No. No, no, don't--don't do that. Oh! Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them because you can't go home with them? I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Have you heard of the Date Doctor? Urban myth. Really? Absolutely. I was hoping he also helped women. Casey, you're not sick. You're single. You just have to relax and enjoy the ride. I haven't been ridden in months. (both laughing) On that happy note, I'm gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight. Oh, you mean, besides me. Right. Bye. I'll go get those girls, bring them over here, and we'll have a conversation like human beings. Then you're gonna home, and I'll take them back to my apartment. Well, that sounds like fun for me. But you might want to get in line, pal. (woman) Hey, girl. Hey, how are you? Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas at the pool table, please? Thanks. Excuse me. Excuse me. Lime wedges in the bottle's fine. Hey, asshole, I don't work here. Wow! Oh, I'm sorry. The paramedics will have to come to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart. Just don't let it happen again. Uh, I knew you didn't work here. You did? How else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys? Why would you want to do that? (Hitch) Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex. They like women, women like them. Everything flows naturally. Back in college, I was just not one of them. # I can't stop I seemed to lack the basic understanding that my peers just intuitively grasped. But like any late bloomer, I was eager to make up for lost time. Her name was Cressida Baylor. Can you tell me where the registration building is? Yeah. # She drives me crazy And my life would never be the same. I'm Alex. Cressida. (laughing) What we had was beautiful. I love you. I love you so much. I--I love you, too, Alex. I know you don't love me as much as I love you. I mean... But that's okay. I'm just glad you love me at all. In retrospect, I guess I may have come on a little strong. # She drives me crazy (Cressida moans) But the experience taught me a lot. Cressida! # She drives me crazy What, what are you doing? I'm--I'm sorry, Alex. But I love you. I love you. What did I do wrong? Just tell me what I did wrong. Dude, you're doing it right now. Cressida. Alex, I'm sorry. And it's an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men. Because with no guile and no game, there's no girl. If ever there was a man born without game, it was Albert Brennaman. My business is 100% referral and, thus far, untraceable. And if there's one thing I've learned when you orchestrate, coordinate, and otherwise mess with fate, it's best to fly under the radar. (grunts) I hope she's single 'cause I don't do break-ups. Hi. Thank you for seein' me. Yeah, no. I mean, uh, she just got out of a relationship. Is that a problem? Because if it is, that's fine. I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway, you know. Definitely been hurt a lot, you know. I had a lot of bad experiences. Some good ones. But definitely a lot of bad ones. And, yeah, I'm... I'm desperate, basically. I mean, not in general, you understand? You know, not just for anybody. But, man, for her... Yeah--yeah. Why don't you tell me about her? (sighing) Let's see, what can I say? My company handles her finances. I'm her tax consultant. Well, I'm one of them. I'm the junior man on the account. So does she know you're interested? No, no, no, no. No. Alive? I lent her my pen once. Shoot. Does anyone have a pen? Here, take mine. Albert, you're crushing my arm. Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra. (all exclaiming) Allegra? As in Allegra Cole? Yeah, you know, I realize that I'm not her usual type. Well, her last boyfriend, like, owned Sweden or somethin'. And that guy was a bum. He just, he didn't seem like a very nice person to me. You swing for the fence. Look, look, look, you don't think I tried talking myself out of this? I mean, you don't think I know how ridiculous this is? I--I know, okay? I just thought that maybe with your help, I just... You know what? I'm really sorry I wasted your time. Hold on a second, Albert. You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness even if it's never gonna be with you? You are flat-out, out of your mind. You know that? Yeah. That's good. It is? You ever heard of Michelangelo? Yeah. Heard of the Sistine Chapel? Yeah. Michelangelo. Sistine Chapel. My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling. ('VOILA' BY N.E.R.D. ft. GUCCI MANE & WALE) # They think I'm magician # Voila, voila # They think I know magic # Voila, voila # They think I go, "Abracadabra" # Leave me, come back in something different # Oh, mamma, voila, voila # You are a magician # Voila, voila # You can make it happen # Voila, voila # They think I go, "Abracadabra" # Leave me, come back as something different... # 1 Take it easy. Take it easy! (bang) Oh, my God! Oh, God. (hand dryer whirring) (pager beeping) Well, it looks like I'm still rich. (all laugh) But what I would really like, and what I was wondering is if I could have $500,000 to invest on my own. Oh. And what were you thinking of investing in, Allegra? Well, it's something that I really have a passion for. (both laughing) (Hitch) Daydreams are for private time. When you're in the room, be in the room. Concentrate. Focus. Women respond when you respond to them. My friend Maggie is a really talented designer. Uh-huh. I've seen the business plan, and the samples look fantastic. And I would really, really like to get involved. I'll tell you what. Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in, and next month, we'll run the whole lot of them by you. Hmm? Okay. Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen. Let's go over this one more time. What is the objective? Shock and awe. That was shockingly awful. What is the objective? Shock and awe. What is the objective? Excuse me, sir. Yes, Albert? Yes, Albert? I don't, uh--uh, really agree with that. You don't really agree with what? I think if you want to invest $500,000 in your friend's business, that's exactly what you should do. Albert! You don't need us to tell you what to do. We're a board of advisers, not your kindergarten teachers. If you wanna be taken seriously as an adult, then start taking yourself seriously as an adult instead of asking for permission to invest your own money from a boardroom full of your daddy's golf buddies. That's quite enough! I'm not finished. I'd like to see anybody in this room handle the attention and publicity that she's had to deal with her whole life, with half her class. We should be taking advice from you, Miss Cole. Not the other way around. Sit down-- No! You know what? I quit! Oh, my God. Just breathe. Just breathe. How'd it go? I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss! I quit my job! What? You said... I gotta go back. No, I didn't tell you to quit. Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine. Would you let me go? Albert, no! No! Just relax! Okay? Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me. No! (grunts) (knocking on door) Relax. Relax. (Allegra) It's Allegra Cole. Answer it. Could I speak to you a second? Answer the door, Albert. coughs Yes. Hi. What's up? Listen, Albert, right? People don't usually talk to me like that, okay. Close your mouth, man. Let me rephrase that. People never talk to me like that. Stand up. I guess it's kind of scary for them. But that's why I really appreciate what you did in there. But I was wondering, uh, do you think that you and I could get together sometime this week? You know, to go over things. Financial things. I'd like to see the areas where I can afford to take some risks. Check your schedule. I'll check my schedule. Great. Let me give you my number. Do you have a pen? I don't think I have one. Yes, I do. Great. (inaudible) Oh, and call me Allegra. You're done. Goodbye. (grunting) Good job. Albert? Oh, damn. Five Fathoms by Everything But The Girl # I walk the city late at night # Does everyone here do the same? # I want to be the things I see She's some kind of newspaper columnist. Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper. What's her drink? Usually beer. Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty. # I cross the street, take a right # Pick up the pace, pass a fight # Did I grow up Hi. I noticed your glass was getting low, so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini. Thank you. And I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend. What's your name? They call me Chip. You can't get them to stop? (laughing) That was funny. Listen, Chip, I--I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room and try to generate a relationship out of thin air. So don't take the following personally. You have fantastic eyes. Thanks. Try to listen. This is no reflection on you. I'm just not interested. But thank you for the compliment of coming over. You're welcome. So do you like Cuban food? Chip, seriously, that was not code for, "I wish you'd try harder." Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you-- Feel like a natural woman? (laughs) Sorry I'm late, honey. I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting? Oh, well, there was a--a beginning, a middle, and an end. Nice to meet you, Chip. # I'm not immune, I love this tune # I wanna love more You, too. # I just wanna love more On the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But on the other hand, should that be your problem? So life's kind of hard all around. Not--not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals: No earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back; you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. If that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead. Who'd believe there's a man out there that can sit by a woman he doesn't know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own agenda? I wouldn't even know what that would look like. So what would a guy like that say? He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant." But she wouldn't be interested in that 'cause she'd be counting the seconds until he left. Thinking he was like every other guy. Which, life experience has taught her, is a virtual certainty. But then he'd ask her name and what she did for a living, and she might blow him off. Or she might say... # I'm not immune, I love this tune I'm Sara Melas. I run the gossip column at The Standard. And then he'd ask all these penetrating questions about it, because he was sincerely, if atypically, interested. No. No? He'd be interested. But he'd see that there was no way he could possibly make her realise that he was for real. Well, he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original. Wouldn't help. Not really. They'd both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward. My guess is they'd do just fine. It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas. # I cross the street, avoid the freeze. Grey Goose martini from the gentleman who just left. # The smell of food, the smell of rain. Is that for me? What? 1 (people chattering) Vance Munson. Sorry I'm late. Oh, no, uh, not a problem. Wow, you're--you're the... Can I get you something to drink, Mr.... No, no, I'm fine, thank you. So, tell me about her. (sighing) Have you ever met someone and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor. Hmm. How'd you meet her? Uh, actually, I was in a shop buying pyjamas for my mom. And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman. Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing. But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about, she's so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number. Now she won't return my phone calls. I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind. You know, food has lost its taste. Colours, you know, they seem dull. Things that used to matter... I don't know, they just no longer do. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I... Unless I bang her. Excuse me? You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out. I think you may have misunderstood what I do exactly. No, I was told you help guys get in there. Right. But, see, here's the thing. My clients actually like women. Hit--hit it and quit it is--is not my thing. Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi. I need professional help. Well, that is for damn certain. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally that's the hardest part. You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about. Power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want. Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor. Oh, yeah. Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this, (grunts) this is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin? Got it. (sighs) (phone ringing) (Sara) No. No. Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant. Somebody has to eat there. No, somebody famous. You know that. Sara Melas? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. Bye. I need your signature. (Hitch) I hate it when a guys calls a girl who did not give him her number. So this is me not calling. Over. Yes, you're right. This is much less invasive. I've been thinking about that sign on your forehead. And I was wondering if you'd mind taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over. I can't. I have a couple of parties I have to hit. (Hitch) Gossip never sleeps. Not till about 4:00 a.m. Saturday. (inaudible) I'm-- I have a date. Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas? An excuse to be obnoxious? Continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure. Over. Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you? Breakfast, Sunday. And you can barely even call that a date. You do that with out-of-town relatives that you don't even like. Over. Come on. Okay, I--I guess I could do Sunday. You forgot to say "over." Over. This conversation's over as soon as you tell me when and where. 7:00 a.m., North Cove Marina. Over and out. 7:00 a.m.? Are you crazy? I--I--I don't do 7:00 a.m. Hello? Sign here. What? You said Sunday, right? Yeah. What if I would have said Friday? Sunday. So I guess you're not going to church. Do you really expect me to wear this? It'll be awful cold out there without it. Good morning. "Good" would have been at 10:00. You're a lot taller than I remember. You ever ride one of these? Not on the Hudson. So, what do you wanna do? Race me around the Statue of Liberty? If there's time. But you might need these. All right. Bam. Wow. How do I look? Fabulous. All right, I give. Where do I change? So we'll go past the wall, then take a left. It's pretty much a straight shot from there. Straight shot to where? That's for me to know and you to find out. What you do with these babies is-- Yeah, what I do with this baby is kick your ass. (Sara screaming) # Don't You Worry 'Bout A Thing # Everybody's got a thing # But some don't know how to handle it # Always reachin' out in vain # Just taking the things not worth having # But, don't you worry 'bout a thing # Don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama # 'Cause I'll be standing on the side # When you check it out # Don't you worry 'bout a thing # Don't you worry 'bout a thing Help. Hey. (whistling) # Don't you worry 'bout a thing # Don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama # 'Cause I'll be standing on the side # When you check it out What happened? You change your mind? It just died. (laughing) Did you put gas in it? Yeah. No. You know, um, I think it must have sucked up a diaper or somethin'. Gross. Try it again. (engine sputtering) (laughing) You want me to call AAA? Come on around and let me hop on with you. I don't know. What if you break mine, too? Then we'll both be sitting ducks. I didn't break it. It just died. Yeah, yeah. All right, hop on. Scoot back. Hitch, I'm already here. But you don't know where we're going. Why don't you tell me? Then we'll both know. Sara. Man, male egos. I don't know how you guys make it through the day with them. What? It is not my ego. I just don't want to ruin the surprise. Sara! I'm sorry. Are you all right? There. I always keep a few of those around. Thank you. I have lower back trouble. I just shove the ice packs right down there. No, no, no. That's a fresh one. (all laughing) So, Ellis Island. I have to admit, I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never been here. I figured that. Most people haven't. So I got my man Larry here to set us up a private tour. Oh, great! Anything for Hitch. It was originally known as Oyster Island. The island was expanded to its present size with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system. Are you serious? Yes. Did you know this? Yeah. That's why I brought you here. In fact, over 100 million Americans can trace their ancestry back to a single man, woman, or child on the ship's manifest to an inspector's ledger. (Larry) By 1910, 75% of the residents of New York, Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston were immigrants, or the children of immigrants. They generally lived in the poorest sections of the cities in Little Italys, Chinatowns and other ethnic enclaves. It's called The Kissing Post. The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences. Now, what exactly would qualify as a long absence? I mean... That count? No. I--I actually had a relative come through here. Really? Yeah. What? What was that thing? No. You know, I was just thinkin', you can't really know where you're goin' until you know where you've been. Ain't that right, Larry? Amen, brother. That's kind of deep for a first date, don't you think? What is that? Oh, my God! That's my great-great-grandfather. That, that's his signature. I mean, Jesus, it's right here! How did you-- how did you know? Hitch did the search. I just found the page. (gasps) I'm sorry. (crying) I saw that going differently in my mind. So my family never saw him again. Well, except for on the Wanted posters. Look, I'm--I'm really sorry. When I saw it on the computer, it said, "the Butcher of Cadiz." You know. I--I thought it was a profession, not a headline. It's just one of those horrible family legacies we've all tried to forget. But thank you. No, it was... A train wreck. Yeah. No. Let me get you a cab. Thanks. Bye. Bye-bye. (grunting) Taxi! (Casey) Poor guy. Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble. It was fun. In a disastrous kind of way. I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey. At least you got a good story out of it, right? Right? You should try mine, it's great. Wait, wait, wait. You're seeing him again? Well, look, you said that I'm always expecting men to let me down, right? Assuming that they're gonna fail? Which he did. Yeah, but he did it with flair. I mean, Case, he really tanked. And that's a desirable trait? Yeah. Weird, huh? (Hitch) Now, just keep it simple. Just like we practiced. We're just leaving a message, okay. Women like Allegra Cole don't pick up numbers they don't recognise. (sighs) (clears throat) (Allegra) Hello? She's on the phone! Hello? Yes. Hello, Miss Cole? Yeah. Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you. One moment, please. No. Tell her I'm at lunch. We called her to tell her you're at lunch? Allegra. Hi, it's Albert Brennaman. (laughs) Hi, how are you? Good, good. I'm doing good. The reason I'm calling is about our appointment this Wednesday. Not gonna be able to make it. Oh, uh, well, when can you make it? When can I do it? Uh... (grunts) I don't even know, 'cause my whole next week is slammed. Right. But it's all good. Yeah, it's all good. Uh-huh. No, we're gonna make it happen though, We're gonna make it happen. Yes. (Albert grunts) Oh! Are you... What's going on over there? Just moving some things around. Sky Studios. Tonight I'm actually going to this fashion thing at Sky Studios. Designer friend. Yeah, I just thought it might be something your designer friend Maggie would be interested in. Yeah, definitely. Well, great. Great. Then I will put you back on with my-- Ooh Wee by Mark Ronson playing # Yo # What's the deal? # Ain't nothin', pa, we just here and all that # Tryin' to get our head rights, get this money right # You know what I'm sayin', you know how it go Allegra, over here, please. Miss Cole, this way. Great. One more. Hi, there. This was a fantastic idea. I suppose. Hey, where's Maggie? Late as usual. (Hitch) Tonight I want you to meditate on the image of an iceberg. Do you know why I want you to do that? Because I'm cool? No. I know, I'm not. I'm saying that you are an iceberg in that over 90% of your mass is below the surface. I know I'm heavy. I am. (Hitch) I'm talking about who you are. It's a metaphor. Accounting, business, all of that is just a small part of a much deeper, richer Albert. One more. Okay. It's gonna be loud in there, so this is our opportunity to break the touch barrier in a non-sleazy way. So get to where it's loudest. Ask her if she'd like a drink. Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back and say it in her ear like a secret. Watch your hand placement. Too high says, "I just wanna be friends." Too low says, "I just wanna grab some ass." Friends. Ass. Me. (people chattering) Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity, which means that when people talk to her, they'll ignore you completely. She's classy, so she'll introduce you. When she does, shake hands hard and speak up. Let them know you're there. Show her you can handle being her escort. Egon, this is Albert. How you doing? Albert, this is Zak. Nice to see you. These guys are friends with Maggie. Been to that new Brazilian restaurant? No, but I am-- It's disgusting. I'm writing an article about it. Did you see the new installation at MOMA? Yes, did you think-- Disgusting. Disgusting. Women can always tell when you're not being real with them. Worst thing you can do is try to fake it, because you are a great guy. And you do have something to offer Allegra that no other man does. What was your name? Eggnog? Egon. What do you think of the design of the Jets' new football stadium on the West Side? Let me guess. Disgusting? Think it over. We'll be back. Thank you. I can't stand those guys. Really? I kind of liked them. But when all is said and done, tonight is not about Allegra. It's not? No. Tonight is about Maggie. A woman's best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions. So you can't afford to mess this up. Albert, I want you to meet my friend, Maggie. Hi, Maggie. It's an absolute pleasure to meet you. I'm Maggie. No, you're not. Actually, I am. Magnus Forester. Thank you so much for inviting us. You have very soft hands. Thank you. Wow. So do you. Thank you. So tonight, you focus on one thing and one thing only. Maggie. Where does your inspiration come from? Oh, my God. Anything I see. Something in a magazine, out on the street, in an old movie. The receptive nature of the creative facility just astounds me. Ooh, anybody want any spring rolls? That's a beautiful tie, by the way. This whole thing, it just works. Thank you. Is he gay? I don't think so. I like him. (Hitch) About the deejay. Um, generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy. But if she asks, you cannot say no. I'm not worried about dancing. But if there are people there-- I'm sorry, I hate to be a stickler, but I need to be thorough. Show me what you mean by you're not worried about it. Trust me. You know what I'm gonna do. (Yeah by Usher playing) That's what it's all about, right there. See how it gets bigger? Now I'm gonna start the fire. But the feet are going. I start the fire, I make the pizza. Hips are always going. Can't get enough hip. From there, the Q-Tip. Q-Tip. Q-Tip. Throw it away. That's not working, you hit her with this. (music stops) Don't... ever... do that again. Do you hear me? No. No. Uh-uh. Not like that, you're not, all right? (music starts) This is where you live. Right here. You live right here, OK? This is home. None of this. I don't wanna see none of that. Don't need no pizza. They got food there. # Baby, let's go. That's when I told her, I said, # Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shorty got down low and said come and get me. Elbows, 6 inches from the waist, 90-degree angles. Don't you bite your lip. Stop it. # Her and my girl used to be the best of homies. # Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next thing I knew she was all up on me screaming, # Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. # Yeah, yeah, yeah. # Yeah, yeah. # So she's all up in my head now, got me thinkin' that it might... Women relate dancing to sex, all right? Even a great dancer can lose it with one of these. OK, now that's what I need to be learning. # Because I don't know if I take that chance, # just where it's gonna lead. But what I do know is the way she dance # makes shorty all right with me. Can't stop it. You cannot stop it. Next subject. Get out. (all chattering) Thanks. So, are you a Knicks fan? When they're good. 1 Hey. Hey. I'm really sorry. Oh, God. Why? She was there? My phone fell in the Hudson. I don't believe this. Yeah, well the only one that's gonna need protection around here is me. Max is gonna-- Gonna be really irritated. You know, when I got the train this morning, I thought it was gonna be a good day. Who the hell is Albert Brennaman? I need you to tell me how this happened. What? There were some photographers. Look, does this even look like dancing to you? That's just a little bit of me being me. No, Albert, that's you bein' a lot a bit of somethin' you don't need to ever be again. What? It's just one dance. No. One dance, one look, one kiss. That's all we get, Albert. Just one shot to make the difference between happily ever after and, "Oh, he's just some guy I went to some thing with once." All right? What? You said "kiss." Is that a problem? It's not a problem, but I don't know, this is Allegra Cole. Eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything that they need to know about a relationship. And believe me, she has definitely thought about it. She has? Oh, of course. I mean, not that she's gonna act on it. So it's no real big deal. All right, well, it's no big deal, then. It's a very big deal, Albert! Huge. Monumental! You are not listening. (sighs) I need you to wrap your head around this. Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole could have her last first kiss. (inhaler rattling) (sighs) All right, come on, uh, just, uh, show me what you got. What do you, what do you mean? Just show me how you would kiss me. I wouldn't kiss you. I'm not me, I'm Allegra. But you're really not, so... Okay, Albert, end of the night, you're droppin' me off at home. Show me the magic. You know, I'm not comfortable with this. God, Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you. Yeah, how about those Knicks, huh? You see what I'm doin'? All right. This is a signal, okay. I'm fiddlin' with my keys. All right. A woman that doesn't want a kiss takes her keys out, puts them in the door and goes in the house. A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles. (rattling) I'm fiddlin'. Okay, you have a good night now-- You see what I'm doin'? Robbin' me? No. See, this is what most guys do. They rush in to take the kiss. But you're not most guys. See, the secret to a kiss is to go 90% of the way and then hold. But for how long? As long as it takes for her to come the other 10%. Okay, 90%-10%. Got it. Yeah, okay, come on. Shake it off. It's your turn. I had a really nice time tonight, Albert. I had a great time tonight, too, Allegra... ...with a beard. What's up? I'm not feelin' it. What do you mean? I--I came 90%. I'm just, I'm not feelin' like you want it. Look, I'm Allegra Cole, the woman of your dreams. The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire. Now, show me the magic, Albert. What the hell was that? I'm showin' you the magic! No, I said come 90% and then I come 10%! You don't go the whole 100%! My mouth was open, Albert. You overeager son of a... (exclaiming) Other than that, how was it? (Kate) They came together, they danced together, and they left together. He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way. Hey, for all I know, he's adorable. But him dating her is... You seem stressed. You and I had an understanding. If you invite Allegra, you're supposed to call me. (Kate) Sara, I didn't invite her. Honestly, sweetie, I thought she was still in Europe. So you invited Albert? No. Look, it says here the tickets went to some guy named Alex Hitchens. What? (phone ringing) (man chattering) Machine. Hi, it's Sara, um... (chuckles) I just wanted to, uh, to say thank you for, uh, an unforgettable experience the other day. And, uh, and if you ever want to see your shirt again, you can-- you can come by the Fulton Fish Market tonight around 8 o'clock. Okay, bye. Do you think he'll show? Yeah. He's too much of a player to have a bad date on his record. Is this a, uh, source or a date? A source. (scoffs) Well, it sounded like a date. Well, it was supposed to. So if it, it looks like a date and it sounds like a date, but it's not a date. Yeah. Right. Just checkin'. Hi. Hi. I wasn't sure you got my message. Well, I wasn't sure you called the right guy. Uh, you must be a glutton for punishment. Either that or I really wanna pay you back. I think this is yours. Thank you. Uh, I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame. Really? There's a whole wall? (Hitch) So what are we gettin' into? (man) Okay, uh, so... Ever been to a food rave before? (Sara) Happens once a month, Different chefs, different venues. You any good in the kitchen? Well, I can stand the heat, if that's what you mean. Good. Because that's my boss and his wife right over there. (both chuckling) Interesting. Mmm-hmm. (Max) Well, here's a concept: We're paying to cook our own food. Here's another concept: Shut up. It's an evening out. I tell you, the longer you're married, the less you go out. In a couple of years, we're gonna end up bricked into our apartment like a Poe story. (Hitch) So, Louise, are you in the newspaper business also? Uh, no, I'm a psychiatrist. Well, uh, that's the last thing I'm gonna say tonight. (Sara chuckling) So, uh, Sara, you never told me. How was the Sky Studio fashion thing you went to the other night? Did you meet anyone worth mentioning? Uh, no. Mmm-mmm. (Max) Really? I find that very odd. Max. I think you're being odd. Well, I'm always odd. It's why you married me. And it's why I married you. (snickering) Speaking of which, Hitch, uh, what exactly are your intentions for the lovely Sara here? Wait, you know what? Um, actually, there--there was someone. Um, I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra. My friends who and who? Allegra Cole? Really? How do you know her? Um, I don't. Well, so you know Albert? Wha... Knew. Well, he had your tickets. I mean, how well do you really know your accountant? You know, April 15, and then you don't see him again until April 15. (laughs) (waiter) Ladies and gentlemen, a coquille St. Jacques with a lemon butter reduction. Compliments of our chef. Thank you. (waiter) I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this. Oh. (waiter chattering) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. That's really good. Wow. I'm very impressed. Why is that? Well, you know, around these two, people usually can't wait to, uh, name-drop and dish their friends, and you are being all discreet. Yeah, it's, it's quite endearing. Actually, it is. So why don't we change the subject? (clearing throat) Whoa, whoa, are you all right? Oh, no. Yeah. No, I'm fine. So, uh, Sara tells me that, uh, you're a consultant, Hitch. Yeah, that's mostly marketing, a little advertising, brand management. (grunts) I have no idea what that means. Yeah, no one does. That's why I get to charge so much. (Louise laughing) (grunts) Are you-- are you sure you're all right? (sighs) Yeah, I'm fine. Uh, hey, Is it itchy in here or is it just me? Oh, I know what's happening. No, no. You think that I'm-- I'm in a stressful state because I'm trying to make a good impression while also dealing with my commitment issues, (clears throat) trying to avoid all these awkward conversations. No, I--I--I think you have food allergies. (grunting) Oh. Oh. Ooh. Wow. What? Uh, Benadryl. Where's the Benadryl? Aisle 2. Which one's Aisle 2? The one with the big 2 over it. Sara, I'm fine. You sure it's in Aisle 2? (assistant) No. Really, it is not that serious. (grunting) Uh... Benadryl. A lot of Benadryl. A lot, a lot of Benadryl. What, what? Are you... No! Oh! Whoa, ho, ho! (continues yelling) Coquille St. Jacques. Death on a leaf! Come on! (Hitch) # I'm craving your body (Sara chuckling) # Is this real, temperatures rising (Sara) Okay, we're doing fine. Just a couple more blocks and you get to lie down. # In the mornin' when I rise # All of my feelings hypnotised # All my reasons, the reasons Wait, wait, who-- who sings that song again? Oh, girl. Earth, Wind & Fire. Oh, you should let them sing it. (exclaiming) Mmm. I bet this would be great on the rocks. Mmm. It's good, right? I bet I can ask you just about anything right now. No. I'm a vault, baby. Locked down. (chuckling) What is an heiress doing with a CPA? Oh, they're goin' to the Knicks game. Yep, Fort Knox. Mmm. Oh, whoa, whoa. He loves her so much! I'm--I'm sure he does. I'm telling you, people search their whole lives trying to find the... # Reasons that we're here # The reasons I wouldn't know. You would if you saw it. Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze. (grunting) What about you? You ever been in love? Yep. But you're never gonna know that. Okay, okay, I think you've had enough of the juice box. (laughing) Let's go. # I'm longing to love you just for a night (Hitch) This is some place. And you live here alone? Yeah. I actually prefer it that way. What about you? I haven't had a roommate since college, and he upped and married my sister. Really? Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon. Oh, Uncle Hitch. (chuckles) Thank you. So, how do you feel? Good. Relaxed. So what about you? Any siblings? Sister. Maria. Lives in D.C. Younger, right? I could hear it in your voice. Sort of an innate protective thing. Yeah, I guess. What? She almost died once. I was 10. We were, um... We were skating on the pond behind our house, and she fell through the ice. My dad pulled her out. Gave her mouth-to-mouth. (sighs) Longest three minutes of my life. Yeah, I'm sure. I don't think I've ever really gotten over it. Kind of defines you, doesn't it? You know like, one moment you're gliding along, the next moment you're standin' in the rain watching your life fall apart. Except it was snow. Yeah. That's what I said, "snow." You said "rain." Um, some kind of precipitation. Is that what happened to you? (babbles) Nothin' as dramatic as fallin' through the ice, Um, you know, it--it, uh... it definitely... Left a scar, yeah? Yeah. (sighs) I guess it's best just not to love at all, right? Or skate. 1 (birds chirping) Hitch? Are you here? (grunting) Sara, you're such an idiot! You moron! What the hell did you think? You're so stupid! You're so stupid! You gotta learn, Sara. When are you gonna learn--? (Hitch) Should I come back later? Hi. I thought you left. Well, yeah, I did, you know, but, uh, but then I came back with breakfast. Uh, yeah, I figured it--it--it was the least that I could do. Uh, hey, I didn't know what you were drinkin' so I got a grande cap, a latte, an Earl Grey tea and something with "chai" in the title. Uh, uh, tea for me. Tea. Yes! I was hopin' you'd say that. Oh, God. You're a morning person, aren't you? Well, you know, like I, uh, always tell my clients: Begin each day as if it were on purpose. Wow. Beautiful day. Yeah. Beautiful girl. Thank you. Well, I'm this way. Uh, I'm that way. Give me a ring sometime. I mean, on the phone. No, I definitely will. Good. Oh, I gotta go to work. Okay. Bye. Goodbye. (Sara) Hey. Can you believe what a beautiful day it is not? What's wrong, pumpkin? I'm so stupid. I ignored your advice. I went on that date. With who? Not the lingerie guy. Vance Munson. And you're right, there's no way he ever had a mother. Oh, that bad? He took me to Scalinatella, and he was affectionate and sweet. He told me all these intimate things, like how he can't taste food, and he wants three kids. So you slept with him. I never seen anybody get dressed that fast. Oh, Case, I'm so sorry. Well, maybe I'll just die alone after all. No, you won't. You'll meet a great guy with a great smile and you're gonna travel the world together. Okay, who are you? Where's my best friend? It's true. He just hasn't found you yet. But he will. Just as he's leaving, guess what he says: Date Doctor my ass. Right. What-- what does that mean? It means he's really out there. And if I ever meet him, the only date he's gonna need is with a real doctor. (elevator bell dings) (receptionist) That's him. Vance, is that you? Yeah, hey there, beautiful. Hi. Sara Melas, from The Standard. I'd like to talk to you about the dating consultant you hired before you went out with Casey Sedgewick. Hey, you don't wanna talk, that's fine. I'm going to write this anyway. You just earned yourself a photo. What? Nice. Now, I can only imagine how the guys at the trading floor are gonna react when they see this. Look, you have no proof, no facts. Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the DA. Okay, okay, how much will it cost me to stay out of this? I don't want money. I want a name. I don't know his name. Well, what do you know? I know this. All this for a lousy lay. Are we satisfied? Almost. (groans) No, you... You got to be... (Albert) Is this really necessary? Have you seen your back? and maybe we should be startin' with some sit-ups. (groaning) God! Mother of Troy! (cellular phone ringing) Hello? That's crazy. Just hearing your voice makes me smile. How are you? No, actually, you know what? I just feel a little strange. I'm good. Sweet Georgia Brown! No, that's just some guy screaming. (Hitch) Listen, is there any context under which you'd consider facial edema and pharmaceutical intervention a date? Hmm. Probably not. How about a do-over? Dinner, my place. I mean, because obviously, going anywhere public with you is out of the question. Oh my God! God! That's it. I don't like you very much. What is that? It's like one of those makeover shows. That's a makeover show? Almost done! Friday? (Albert groaning) Well, you know, for moral support. But tomorrow I'm free. (grunting) Great. Bye. (gasping) See, it wasn't so bad, was it? God! (LIGHT, DELICATE MUSIC) VOICEOVER: In this adult-sized world, kids need things that are made just for them. SONG: # Ooh, yeah, yeah # Ooh... # Kinder Chocolate is made especially for kids with a yummy milky centre, kid-sized portions and a taste that kids love. Kinder Chocolate. Made for kids. 1 (announcer) Ball is back in play after the 20 second time out. Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6, here early in the first quarter. (audience cheering) (hollering) So this is what this feels like, huh? "This" being? Great seats, great game. (player grunting) Great date. (people clapping) I mean, sort of. To me, it--it feels like a... Date? Yeah. (audience applauding) Look at her. She looks so happy. How does a guy like that end up with a girl like her? Oh, oh, ooh! (whooping) (whistling) I am so jealous. I've always wanted to be able to do that. Really? Tonight is your lucky night. Let's see what you got. Okay. You ready? (sputters) Oh, God. I'm sorry. It's fine. I'm sorry. (announcer) Knicks off to a great start... All right, here's how it works. Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon, by the sea lions. No, don't worry. I'll find you. All right. Thank you. (players shouting) (audience cheering) Oh, no. It's all right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Damn me, damn me. (whistles) Hey, that was it! You got it. Do it again, do it again. (whistles) Look how cute they are. Thanks. I had a great time tonight, Albert. I had a great time, too, Allegra. (clears throat) (keys rattling) Well, uh... (clears throat) Good night. Good night, Albert. (gasping) Allegra. Yes? Hold on. Mmm. I like your lips. They seem to like you, too. (chuckles) Okay. Good night. (children shouting) (camera clicking) Anything? Not yet. But I got some great shots of you bitin' your nails. Well, it's a big story. Uh, incoming. Really? Yep. They're shakin' hands. Oh, my God, this is so great. I can't wait to nail this guy. Hey, make sure you get a good shot of his face. What's he look like? Tall, dark, and handsome. Basic principles: No matter what, no matter who, no matter when. This is killing me. Geoff's actually managing to play it straight. How long have you been in love with her? Oh, her? About two and a-- two and a half years. Take a look. How'd you get my card? Albert, Albert Brennaman. Great guy, isn't he? Excellent guy. What? Sara. Sara. Pleasure to meet you, Geoff. Uh, hey, what... (Hitch) How'd you get my card? (Geoff) Albert, Albert Brennaman. Great guy, isn't he? Excellent guy. You sure you want to do this? Why wouldn't I? You know, Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night. She said people who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why hey hide behind layers of secrecy or humour. Well, He's gonna have to hide behind a lot more than that once this hits the fan. She meant you. What do you want me to say? That I like the guy? Yeah, sure, I liked the guy. Well, here's his shirt. Why don't you think about it? Call me. Thanks. (music playing) (intercom ringing) (dish clanging) Yeah. (Raoul) Papi, Sara Melas (clears throat) Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up. And, uh, stop calling me papi. (elevator bell dings) Wow, aren't you a sight for sore eyes. I believe this belongs to you. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, this thing is like a-- a bad penny. Wow! So this is it. Uh, yeah, this is it. (Sara) Oh! Business must be good. Well, uh, you know, it--it has its rewards. (laughing) Yeah. I'll bet. (sighs) Tough day? Mmm. You could say that. Ah, well, you know what? You can just sit back and relax. I got this all covered. Mmm. (exclaiming) Spanish wine! How thoughtful are we? Here, let me pour that for you. Oh, no, that's okay. You want some? Sure. (wine sloshing) So, Hitch. Is that like a noun or a verb? Uh, I guess it depends. Mmm. Let's see, what should we toast to? Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. Mmm. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away. Did you just make that up? Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm, mmm. Hitch: Mmm. Make yourself at home. Um, I'm gonna check on the risotto. Whoa! Look at this! Which one's the music? (music volume increases) Oh, yeah. And it does... It does lights, too? Hey, let me, uh, let me help you out with that. Now, this, this is nifty. What are you doing? How does it work, exactly? Well, usually you have dinner, then you have dessert. (laughing) No. No, no. No, I mean your thriving business. I don't do interviews. But if you'd like to get back to the evening, I'd be more than happy to sit and talk. Great idea. You start. Well, maybe I would if you weren't snarling. (laughing) What if I told you that I know exactly what you do and how you do it. And I think it's despicable! You know what? We might need to go out to dinner. Yeah, there's a great seafood restaurant I'd love to take you to. (clearing throat) How about you just get a cleaver, butcher? (gasps) Maybe I will! What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing a front-page story can't cure. Oh, so that's what this is all about? Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap ass newspaper. You put them there! No, you did! No, he did! The minute he called you! # You're the key to my happiness. # 1 Dr Hitch. Listen to me, papi. I need to bring my partner, Amir, somewhere amazing for our anniversary. Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe it is. What the hell are you talkin' about, Raoul? It's you, no? So, my friend, how was she? Pretty good, hey? (man laughing) How was she? I'll tell you how she was! (intercom buzzing) Dammit! (grunting) (woman) Isn't that the Date Doctor? (man) No, it's not him. (man) It doesn't look anything like him. Excuse me, excuse me. Do you know him? No. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that he did not hire you. Ma'am, I have never seen this man before in my life. See you later, Tony. Tony? You have got some serious explaining Albert. Hitch. You all right? I can't really, uh, talk right now. I'm kind of tied up. One, two. On three. (grunts) (host) Women will remain seated. Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer. You get two minutes each, four minutes total. So trade your talk time when you hear... (people laughing) ...the gong. If it's mutual, you get numbers. If not, better luck next time, okay? Ladies, take your seats. (women chattering) Case, you are a living testimonial to the triumph of hope over experience. Well, thanks for comin'. I know it's lame. I'm sure it's the last thing you feel like doing. I really prefer Rachmaninoff to the heavier Romantic composers. But, you know, despite the pan-Germanic anti-Semitism, I'd still have to say my favourite is Wagner. (buzzer sounds) Oh, yeah. Okay. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Hi. Hi. (Hitch) Excuse me. (man) That's my seat, man. Hi. Hi. Hi. My name is Ron. I'm 28. Albert Brennaman is a good man. In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man. I just got out of a five-year relationship. I'm a lot of fun at parties. I like dogs... And then you're-- you're mad at me for what I do for a living. Look, I've already got your number, so why don't you go consult your conscience? (bangs table) Albert is in love with her. Oh, yeah, just like Sebastian? Is there a problem? Oh, no, just one sec. What do you have against Allegra anyway? Nothing. My interest is protecting women from assholes like you. Oh, I did ice climbing once. You don't even know me. And whose fault is that? ...the sun comes up, the, the ice really starts to fall apart. I bet. I'm--I'm sorry. Do you know this guy? Apparently not. You're in my seat. You really... I'm doin' you a favour, believe me. Basically, I like outdoor sports. But indoor, uh, sports have their place, too. There are certain aspects of my job that are secretive. And my job is to try to find the truth. The truth? You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head. If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it, so be it. Why don't you say what's really pissin' you off? (bell dings) I've been waiting to talk to her. You want to sit down? Here you go. Gong! Thank you. Excuse me. Hi. Actually, you're not supposed to move. I'm Alex Hitchens. No, it's okay. Go. I'm--I'm Casey. Hi, Casey. I work for a small publishin' house in the press department, which isn't actually where I want to be. But, you know, it's a good house-- You handled me. You manipulated me. You researched me and you showed me my great grandfather's signature. Wait. You're Ellis Island? I thought that was real sweet. Thank you. Case, you're not helping. Uh, excuse me, I'm on a date. Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might like to have a plan, you know, because he's nervous? He's not sure that he could just walk up to you and you'd respond if he said: "I like you." "I like you." "I like you!" Oh no, that sounds good to me. That's true, you can't tell them you like them. I tried that one. It didn't go well. I've crashed and burned on that. That is what you did, and I did like you! I just didn't know I was being worked over by some professional. He doesn't have a badge. And you know, the only time he was sincere or spontaneous was when everything was going horribly wrong, or when you were stoned out of your head. I'm sorry to interrupt. Do I know you? No, no, I don't think so. You wanna see me be spontaneous? Sure, you want a Benadryl? You know what, this is really kind of distracting. And I haven't gotten laid in a year! (chattering stops) We're sorry. Why don't you guys get back to your date? Um, or go somewhere. Maybe from the bank, huh? If this doesn't work out, give him a call. He might hook you up with Paris Hilton. Wait, that's it, that's... You're the, uh... You're the Date Doctor, right? (people clamouring) You're the Date Doctor? Do we have a problem here? Oh, yeah, a big one! What the hell did I ever do to you, huh? I'm so... Am I missing something? Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. All right. Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance. Wow. I--I don't believe this. That's your source? You buried yourself, Alex. Then you weren't listening. I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting-- Into getting out of their own way, so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance. Okay, no, no, no, I want everybody to take a good look at this right now. Because this, this right here, this is exactly why fallin' in love is so Goddam hard. (host) Sir, let's go. Now. And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job. Had a job. Can you believe that guy? Actually, I do. (police sirens wailing) (Jerry Maguire) You complete me. I might just have-- Shut up. (Dorothy) Just shut up. You had me at "hello." (sobbing) You had me at "hello." (O'Brian chattering) (pants) No comment. Oh, yeah. You know, (sighs) This is... off the record. I came to apologise. I made some assumptions about you based on nothing, it turns out. And I, uh... I guess Casey's right. My best friend-- Don't worry about it. We're straight. I just, I... I should've asked you. You know, but sometimes you're so guarded. And I just don't wanna be another reason for you to-- Uh, I'm not someone who likes to get involved past a certain point. And that point was about a week ago. Oh. Well, I just want to say I'm really sorry, and I didn't mean to hurt you. You didn't. Hmm. That's a relief. (elevator bell dings) (doorknob clicking) Hey, fella. Yeah, good. You? Uh, what you got there? This? Uh, I figured maybe if my heart stops beatin' it wouldn't hurt so much. She hasn't called back? Hey, you want some coffee? I want you to fix it. I got nothin', Albert. Hey, you--you wanna do somethin'? Well, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. I swear I'm goin' out of my mind. I wanna throw myself off of every building in New York. I--I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it, because then I'll stop thinking about her. Look, you will. Just give it time. That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then, well, this is who I have to be. No, you don't. You can change, you can adapt. You can make it so you don't ever have to feel like this. Ever again. Oh, my God. You just don't get it, do you? Oh, I get it. Let me just, let me get this straight. You're sellin' this stuff, but you just don't believe in your own product. Love is my life. No. Love is your job. Yeah. Hey, you wanna jump out a plane without a 'chute be my guest. But forgive me if I don't join you. This isn't about love for you at all, is it? Yeah. This whole time, I thought I was the coward. Where you going? Skydiving. * (CHUCKLES) Hello. Hello. Hey. They say language is the gateway to culture. And I have the key. Can I interest you in the big Kiwi breakfast? (PHONE TRANSLATES INTO SWEDISH) (SPEAKS SWEDISH) PHONE TRANSLATOR: Kiwis are endangered, no? (SPEAKS SWEDISH) PHONE TRANSLATOR: I could try a little one. VOICEOVER: So Good Unsweetened Almond Milk is dairy-free goodness that's full of calcium, deliciously nutty and packed with vitamins. So start your day the better way with So Good Almond Milk. Now available in new convenient 250ml size. 1 (Hitch whistling) (tyres screeching) Allegra, Allegra! Allegra! Allegra! Taxi! Taxi! Allegra! Allegra! Taxi! Taxi! Mr Hitchens. Miss Cole, thank you very, very much for seeing me. You said it was a matter of life and death. That man would've sold his soul to make you happy. So what does that make you, the devil? My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole. It's to create opportunities. Like the boardroom. Would you have noticed him otherwise? Yes. Really? Eventually. Maybe. How did you know all that stuff about me? Well, you really did your homework. Like at boarding school when everyone used to tease me because I couldn't whistle. And having him dance like a buffoon knowing that I can't dance either. Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I'd feel less like a dork. That was all you, right? No. Hell, no. That was him? That's got Albert written all over it. Did you put him up to the inhaler? Stop it. He did not show you that. He chucked it right before he kissed me. So--so, wait, that stuff worked for you? It was adorable. (chuckles) (chuckling) What did you do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That's good. So, this was your plan the whole time, huh? Hey, Albert. You sail off into the sunset with my girl? Albert! (both grunting) You were like a brother to me! You were like a brother to me! (whistling) He came here for you. Who? (grunting) The guy you're chokin'. (gasping) I love you. I love you. (Albert) I--I really love you. I love you. I love you more. I told you, I love you more. Hey, uh... I got somewhere I gotta go. So, uh... (Sara) Yeah, who is it? Hitch. Uh, can I talk to you? (panting) What? (titters) Uh, you almost hit me. Look, I just, uh, wanted to stop by, basically. Um, see, this is the thing. I, um... Whoo. This is weird. I don't have me behind the door, you know. Close your mouth. Um, you know, because I knew at some point I'd--I'd be here (stuttering) you know, right, right here, you know. But I--I thought that, you know, (babbling) everything would come out, but, you know, it's like... (mimicking tyre screeching) That's throwin' me off. Can we close the door? What? I'm sorry. Just, can we... I just need... Are you serious? No, just like this. What do you want, Hitch? You. For--for a whole lot of reasons that don't make any sense to me. (stammering) I mean, what, three dates. (Hitch) But... That, see, that's what's crazy. That's what's crazy, because I know. I know deep like just down, just in this area, that I just know that I want... I want to be miserable. Like, really miserable. Because, hey, if that's what it takes for me to be happy, then... Wait, that didn't come out right. What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing! No. No, no, no, not, no, not you. I'm--I'm talking to me. Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda. Hey. I'll just put this in the car. (Sara sighs) Uh... Maybe it's like what you said. We should just both go our separate ways and we'll do just fine. What if fine isn't good enough? What if I want extraordinary? No such thing. (door shuts) I'm just as scared as you are, Sara. But I'm right here, and our time is right now. Oh, yeah, well, what about before? But, Sara, I am a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time. Well, I'm a realist, and I know what love does to people. No, you don't. Keys. Keys. There you go. Right here. I don't know who this is, and I don't care. What I do know is he'll never feel about you the way that I do. (car engine grating) You know how to drive a stick? Both of you, shut up! (Tom) You okay? Yeah. No, I'm fine. You'll never be fine, and neither will I! (tyres screeching) (Hitch grunts) Maybe I should drive. Are you trying to get yourself killed? If that's what it takes. Sara, what happened? He jumped on the car. (Maria) But why? Because that's what people do. They leap and hope to God they can fly. (Hitch groans) Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock wonderin' the whole way down: "Why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, Sara, fallin'. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly. That's you. So, you kind of like me, huh? No. I love you. I love you, and I knew it from the first-- If I say it back now, it'll sound so stupid. Sara. Maria, this is the guy I was tellin' you about. Hitch. Hitch, that's my sister, Maria. And that's her husband, Tom. Hey. Her husband. Ooh Wee by Mark Ronson playing # Yo, what's the deal? # Ain't nothin', pa, we just here and all that # Tryin' to get our head right # Get this money right, You know what I'm sayin' # You know how it go, just another day in the hood # Yo, yo # What a night, New York City # Heard it goin' down # Friday night, midnight, Atlantic City # Slot machines, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, # Lock the doors, that's when Ghost just g'd off # Cigars, paisley robes Where's your date? Oh, don't have one. (man) Linda. # That's the cause, just because I know. Shockin', huh? (choking) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (old lady grunting) Are you all right? Grandma, what happened? (gasping) This young lady just saved my life. (chuckles) Ask her to dance. Oh. Well, if you insist. I'm Casey. Charles Wellington. Oh, and this-- Oh, forget it. Just go. # Ooh wee # Let me tell you what they say, when I'm pulling the controls. # They say, "Ooh wee" Basic principles: There are none. Now That We Found Love by Heavy D & The Boyz playing (guests whooping) # Yeah, yeah # Now that we found love, what are we gonna do? # What are we gonna do # with it # Now that we found love, what are we gonna do? # One, two, tell me what you got # Let me slip my quarters inside your slot. Hit the jackpot. # Rev me up, rev me up, my little buttercup # We can tug sheets snuggle up and get stuck # Believe it or not, here comes the brother # A strugglin', bubblin' overweight lover hurt prone # So what's it gonna be, me or the TV # Now let me take time to set your mind and your body free # So why don't you just stretch, # I could cop a quick rec #Shake me, shake me, Baby, baby, bake me # No need to fake, here I am, come on and take me # Wind your body, baby, move your body # I see you slip sliding, come on now do it, hottie # I'm not quite sure as to what is going down # But I'm feeling hunky-dory 'bout this thing # Now that we found love, what are we gonna do # with it # Now that we found love, what are we gonna do # with it # Now that we (pant ripping) # what are we gonna do # with it # Come on heavy # Yeah, yeah # Come on # Oh, yeah # Now that we found love, what are we gonna do # with it?