MIA DYSON'S 'SWEET STRUGGLE' MAC: Dearest Catherine, all I ask is that you will listen and know that I love you with all my heart. I can't bear to think that I might lose you, because you give me such happiness. There is a` a quiet and a delight that you bring to my life, and no one but you has ever made me feel like that. I deserve your anger. Pour it on me. I'll take it and not defend myself, because there is no defence, none at all. I was just... wrong. # At the end I will say # all these things we played # are all gone, # all gone, gone, gone, # gone, gone, gone, gone. # I love you, Catherine. Please, take me back. THUD! TYRES SQUEAL SHRILLY: Oh my God! Oh my God! TEARFULLY: Is she all right? Oh my God. Oh my God. What's going on? What's going on? We're taking her to theatre. We'll be in touch. They're doing everything they can. It'll be all right. (SIGHS) Well, mate, there's a fair chance you'll never forget your wedding anniversary. Yeah, for sure. Oh shit. What's going on? What's going on? She's, uh... She's still with us. They're operating. They're operating. That's good news, right? They're operating. That's good news, right? Yeah, I hope so. It could be a while. There's probably no point in you boys hanging round. There's probably no point in you boys hanging round. No. We want to stay. Look, I've got her wallet and stuff. I could pick her car up tomorrow, if you want. Thanks. Thanks. Why the hell did she go outside anyway? Thanks. She was getting something for me. No, no, it's... It was a letter. Cory? (SIGHS) I don't normally do this, but... shit. Do you know what's going on? I was going in to see, but... Well, if the news is bad, Christ. I'm just here to pick up the boys. All I know is there was an accident. I'm just here to pick up the boys. All I know is there was an accident. The Cat left the reception, right, then got bowled by some moron. That's awful. That's awful. I just can't believe it. Not the Cat, man. CRIES: I mean... It's fine. Catherine, it's me. It's Mac. You are my darling. You are the love of my life. To love and be loved is the only happiness. Is that how it goes? Well, I love you. You have to hang in there, OK? You have to be all right. You just have to. < MICHELLE: Mac. Hey, guys. Well, it is Tuesday. Shit, so it is. Shit, so it is. So you get the whole team, minus Richard. Shit, so it is. And... special delivery. It was in her car, which is at mine, if that's cool. Sure. Thanks. (SIGHS) SOMBRE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES # A wandering minstrel, I, # a thing of shreds and patches, # of ballads, songs and snatches # and dreamy lullaby. Hi. Hi. Hey. It's good to see you. I came straight from the airport. I'm pretty sure Mum doesn't like Gilbert and Sullivan. I used to sing it to her when she was a little girl. # A wandering minstrel, I... # A wandering minstrel, I... I'm so pleased you're back. And I know your mum is too. Don't say that. Don't say that. Why not? Don't say that. Why not? I shouldn't have left. If I hadn't gone... If I hadn't gone... No, no, no, no. You can't think that. Is this...? Is this...? Celeste, Catherine's daughter. Is this...? that you're all together. Lovely. And it's good that you're all together. We tried to wean her off the ventilator for her to start her own breathing, but it wasn't a success. What does that mean? What does that mean? Brain function is essential for unassisted respiration. What does that mean? Yes, that's right. What does that mean? Yes, that's right. You're saying she's brain damaged? And to complicate matters, her legs are not responding to motor stimuli. And to complicate matters, her legs are not responding to motor stimuli. Why? It could be the inflammation or the damage to her vertebrae. It could be the inflammation or the damage to her vertebrae. She might not be able to walk? Again, we're not 100%. We'll do a CT scan to see if there's another bleed or anything we've missed. I was talking to a lady down the hall. They just turned her husband off. I really can't discuss other cases. I really can't discuss other cases. I nursed my husband after he had a stroke, and, really, it would've been kinder if he'd just gone. I do understand, but we have a duty to do` I do understand, but we have a duty to do` Colin was a very particular man, and he lost everything that was dear to him. He couldn't walk or talk, read a book or feed himself. I know this is upsetting, but we'll know more about Catherine after the CT scan. < MEDICAL ALARM BEEPS Catherine? What's going on? What's going on? She's having a seizure. Mac, please, you might want to wait outside. A seizure? That can't be good. Apparently it's quite common with a head injury. And she's stable now. I contacted Catherine's lawyer this afternoon... to see if she had a will. Of course she did. She was so organised about everything. Of course she did. She was so organised about everything. She is. She is organised. We don't need a will. She's not` We don't need a will. She's not` Catherine laid out her wishes if she was terminally ill We don't need a will. She's not` She doesn't wish to linger. She even has a 'do not resuscitate' order. She doesn't wish to linger. She even has a 'do not resuscitate' order. So? I know this is miserable, but I have to say it. There is no way your mother would want to be left as a veg` as a vegetable. We can't give up on her. We can't give up on her. I'm not. But your mother would never want to be less than her best. She says so, right here. Perhaps we have to face the facts, and if it comes to it, we have to let her go ` with dignity. You can't decide that. The old girl's got a point. The old girl's got a point. You're not related, so you can piss off! Celeste. The old girl's got a point. You can't let them do this. Celeste. You can't let them do this. Celeste. You can't let them do this. I'm not doing anything. Celeste. I just think we need to talk about it. I have to read this ` what she wrote. I don't care what she wrote. I don't care what she wrote. Look, I'm with you on this, all right. I'm not ready to let her go. Not yet. READS: '"Perhaps you can feel if you can't hear," was her fancy. '"Perhaps kind thoughts reach people somehow, even through windows and door`"' (GASPS) Whoa. LAUGHS: Sorry. It was a kick. A big one. Maybe it's the next Dan Carter. Actually, I'm... I'm a bit nervous about how it's all gonna go. Constance still isn't sleeping all night, and Brian's kind of stressed. (CHUCKLES) He might just crack under the strain of all this. Or me. Listen to me. Remember when I came to see you, when you worked out I was pregnant? You were such a good friend to me. And... if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have got married. And you are such a good friend ` still. And I love you. (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) And I have done something so terrible. I told Brian if he turns up for the birth of this one, he can name it. Hang on in there for a Krystle or... Bodean. (LAUGHS) Everyone's doing their best, blah blah blah, but... reading between the lines, it doesn't look great. If there's anything I can do... You've already been carrying the load at work. You've already been carrying the load at work. You know me ` Martyrs R Us. And we do have that offer to consider. What offer? What offer? A bigger agency wants to buy us out. I'd like to say it's because of our What offer? fat budget of Spicer Hirsh. I'd like to say it's because of our brilliance, but really they want the fat budget of Spicer Hirsh. We'll see. Someone is offering to buy your biz, and you're saying, 'We'll see'? Someone is offering to buy your biz, and you're saying, 'We'll see'? You have a business. Someone is offering to buy your biz, Me and a van, with a munted back and a rooted leg. It's not the work; it's how to do it. You could always take someone else on. How? I've got financial problems up the wazoo. Hey, there. Hey, there. Hey, mate. Hey, there. Hey, mate. Hey. Hey, there. Hey, mate. How's Catherine? She's not good. She's not good. Everyone at quiz night, they're all... real sorry. She's not good. Shit, nearly forgot. Someone handed this in to the bar a week back. You're the only Mac I know so... STREETS OF LAREDO'S 'I'M LIVING' CATHERINE: Dear, Mac. I call you dear because you are. Or you were. What you did wounded me to the core. And shocked me. I could blame Jo, but that would be too easy. Though, she is such a piece of work. But hard though this is, I have to take some measure of responsibility. And I have to accept that I never unpacked. I know it annoyed you, and I still think there wasn't enough room, but it does seem like some kind of metaphor. So if we do this ` go to Paris ` I will unpack. I will rain my scorn and anger on you. It may not always be nice, but my hope is we will reclaim what we had. And find more. And I will be there to deal with the rude French waiters if you attempt to speak French. And life is short, even though I hate that kind of bumper sticker. We have to live while we can ` with passion, determination and other unguarded nouns about feelings, which are not usually me. But what I know is, despite everything, you are the one I love and want to be loved by. Yours, Catherine. # I feel like living is starting with... Hey! # Hey. How'd it go with the CT scan? It was clear, no more bleeding. That's good. That's good. I was telling Stacey about Catherine's wishes. That's good. It is good to be clear about these` That's good. It is good to be clear about these` No, I'm sorry. Catherine doesn't always know everything. In fact, sometimes she's just plain wrong. She wants to go to Paris so she can tear a strip off me. And you can do that all you want. And, yes, life is short, so let's do this. Avez-vous une chambre pour deux personnes... avec une douche? Is 'douche' a swear word in French? READS: 'The Musee Rodin is not to be missed ` 'the beautiful mansion and rose-filled gardens 'featuring Rodin's sensuous and brilliant sculptures.' Une table pour deux pres de la fenetre, s'il vous plait. Mm-hm. So we have the table, a little ambient music. And here we are flirting in French. Ah, yes, here we go. Tu as des beaux yeux. Ou as-tu ete toute ma vie? Am I winning you over with my sweet talk? Is there any change? Is there any change? No, not really. Is there any change? But, hey, I can't stay long, so... There's no harm in taking a break. Poor Catherine. I left her with Anne ` singing to her from Cats. Hey. (GROANS) Shit a brick. It's OK. You'll get through it. Man, do I need this. It's not the rooted leg and the munted back again, is it? It's not the rooted leg and the munted back again, is it? It's worse. It's not the rooted leg and the munted back again, is it? I went to the bank, took out a loan. I went to the bank, took out a loan. How is that so terrible? I went to the bank, took out a loan. How is that so terrible? I'm expanding, taking on staff. Good on you. How is that so terrible? Good on you. Good on you. I feel sick. What if it goes tits up? Good on you. It might not, and I can always go back to work, and, you know, we have so much to be grateful for. Oh, yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah, for sure. What the furry heck? What is she doing here? I have no idea. Playing pub quiz? Playing pub quiz? With Cory? Playing pub quiz? With Cory? Hello, everyone. Hi. Hi. Nice to be here on famous quiz night. Hi. QUIZ MASTER: Eyes down for round one. Name the monuments on this sheet. Right, better get to it. Very very fishy. Number one is the Pantheon in Paris. Three is the Colosseum. Question eight ` the answer is ice hockey. Shit. Shit. Question nine is Sir John Kirwan. And Question 10 is mah-jong. What happened, sports guy? What happened, sports guy? It's the witch. She's putting me off my game. What happened, sports guy? It's none of my business. It's none of my business. Four teams are vying for second place, but streaking into the lead, it's the Marathon Men on 48 points. but streaking into the lead, it's the Marathon Men on 48 points. Yeah! but streaking into the lead, it's the Marathon Men on 48 points. Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. I've got better things to be worried about. QUIZ MASTER: It's drinks break. QUIZ MASTER: It's drinks break. Incoming. QUIZ MASTER: It's drinks break. Incoming. Hey. How's it going with the Cat? Oh, you know. Oh, you know. I wanted to visit, but, uh, I heard she was on life support. Oh, you know. How did you know that? Oh, you know. How did you know that? Uh, Jo, actually. I was a bit down, and she was real kind to me. I was a bit down, and she was real kind to me. Mm. Was she? I was a bit down, and she was real kind to me. She is one dynamite lady, all right. I can see why you hung in there for all that time. (GIGGLES) Oh my frigging God. Cory and Jo? This is just... appalling. I'm fine. Do you know what's going on here? She's trying to get to you by doing the guy you hate the most. That would be twisted. That would be twisted. Nah, it's a classic move. I so want to punch her in the tit. That would be twisted. I so want to punch her in the tit. I so want to punch her in the tit. But you wouldn't. I so want to punch her in the tit. But you wouldn't. Just a little smack. I so want to punch her in the tit. You can't. I so want to punch her in the tit. But you wouldn't. She can't, but I can. No way. I can't believe you have the gall to show your face in here. With all that Mac is going through and Catherine, it's... disgusting. Hey, lady! Hey, lady! Awesome! You can apologise right now. You can apologise right now. Hey, don't you touch my missus. Oh, go, Brian! CELL PHONE RINGS, BAR PATRONS SHOUT Anne, hi. What's going on? What? What did you say? Thank God you're here. (EXHALES) Thank Christ. (MURMURS) (MURMURS) What? What did you say? Your French is terrible. LAUGHS: I know. It's dire. It's appalling. It's appalling. (LAUGHS) GENTLE, UPLIFTING MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Hey, what's that? Hand basin. Hand basin. Wrong. They want a BCR-203. I'll drop you one off. Hand basin. Hi. Catch you later. Catch you later. Yeah. Catch you later. Yeah. VAN ENGINE STARTS Catch you later. Yeah. WINZ sent me. And you are? And you are? Jake. I need you to sign this. It says I applied for a job but I wasn't suitable or whatever. Get out of here. Get out of here. Aren't you gonna sign it? Get out of here. Aren't you gonna sign it? No. Get out of here. Come on, bro. If you don't sign it, they'll cut my benefit off. I'm not your bro, and my taxes don't go to bludgers who can't get off their lazy brown arses. Oh, that's racist. Oh, that's racist. CELL PHONE RINGS Oh, that's racist. Hey, Em, what's up? Eh? What? Now? Shit. OK, yeah, I'm on my way. What about my form? What about my form? I'm having a baby. I do not care. What about my form? Shit! Shit! Shit! Bloody moron! I've got to get to the hospital. I got wheels. TYRES SQUEAL Thanks, mate. Thanks, mate. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, are you gonna sign my form? No. No. Oh, what? Come and do a week's labouring for me, and we'll see how it goes. Come and do a week's labouring for me, and we'll see how it goes. Bastard. Come and do a week's labouring for me, and we'll see how it goes. I'll call ya. I've got your details. It's only a little bit over, mate. It's always just a little bit... until you're on the receiving end. One times gold-coloured necklace and pendant. She was alive when I got there. Maybe they'll find a few less K's would've saved her. Imagine having that on your shoulders. (ALARM BEEPS) Everyone thinks they drive well. (HELICOPTER WHIRRS OVERHEAD, INDISTINCT POLICE COMMS) But I've never seen anyone crash well. (WOMAN CRIES) FEMALE OFFICER: Is there anyone we can call for you, Mrs Woolford? (SOBS) MAN: Well, this speed's fine along here. I know these roads. I know these roads pretty well too. And I'm doing everything in my power to stop you from seeing the things I've seen on them. (PANTS) I made it! I made it! That's right, darling. Nearly there. What? I made it! What? (MOANS) What? (MOANS) Already? You're kidding! BABY CRIES BABY CRIES Well done, Emma. Hey. And congratulations, you have a gorgeous... little girl. Eh? Another girl? Isn't she beautiful? Yeah, she is. So bloody beautiful. (CRIES) (CRIES) (CHUCKLES) Hey, you know what this means. I get naming rights. That was the deal. That was the deal. (CHUCKLES) That was the deal. (CRIES) No, don't tell me. It's not... Pinky Tuscadero? Pinky Tuscadero? (LAUGHS) Stop it. I was thinking of naming her after Pinky Tuscadero? I was thinking of naming her after the youngest Tuscadero sister. I was thinking of naming her after the youngest Tuscadero sister. Happy Days. I should know that one. Oh! They're here! the youngest Tuscadero sister. Oh! They're here! Oh! They're here! QUIZ MASTER: Hey there. Welcome back. Oh! They're here! Ladies and gentle beings, a warm Beagle welcome to one of our own. Standards have definitely dropped without you. I wasn't sure if I should come, to tell you the truth. I wasn't sure if I should come, to tell you the truth. Glad you're here, anyway. Oh, Emma. Oh she's gorgeous. I know. I want to take her home. Do we have a name yet? Do we have a name yet? That's a good question. Leather Tuscadero? Do we have a name yet? Leather Tuscadero? Leather Tuscadero? You remembered. My man. Leather Tuscadero? You remembered. My man. It's not, is it? Leather Tuscadero? You remembered. My man. Um, it's Katie. Short for Catherine, but with a K. I hope that's all right. That's really nice. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This keeps happening. It's really embarrassing. It's fine. It's fine. If you can't cry with friends... It's fine. If you can't cry with friends... Oh God, you guys. We're so glad you're back. We're so glad you're back. Me too. BRIAN: Anyone want a drink? BRIAN: Anyone want a drink? I'll give you a hand. BRIAN: Anyone want a drink? I'll give you a hand. Yeah. LAUGHS: You're so clever. And who wrote Blithe Spirit? Um... English writer, um, witty, camp. Not really narrowing it down. Question 10 ` Question 10 ` Sorry. Question 10 ` Sorry. in which Bernard Shaw play Question 10 ` Sorry. Henry Higgins central characters? Everyone knows that one. Everyone knows that one. My Fair Lady? Everyone knows that one. based on the play. No, that was the musical based on the play. Oh God. Pygmalion? Pygmalion? Yes. Yes, that's it. Hey, Sexy Sticks. The Cat is in the house. Hello. Do I know you? Do I know you? It's, um` It's me, Cory. Just teasing. (LAUGHS) It's nice to see you. I'm sorry I` I didn't visit. Is, um...? Is that permanent? I will probably walk again. Though I might not be up to a marathon. Sweet. So, you up for coffee and a chinwag sometime? As long as you don't bring your girlfriend. Yeah, uh, that kinda didn't work out. We wanted different things. Yeah, uh, that kinda didn't work out. We wanted different things. Oh no (!) Did she dump you? Lucky escape, mate. Lucky escape, mate. Hey, not funny, guys. Jo is a very special lady, so, yeah, you know... Laters. Jo? The Jo? Why did no one tell me this gossip? That was so fantastic. Catherine and baby Katie. She is cute. She is cute. So adorable. And I was thinking... I could go to a doctor. And I was thinking... I could go to a doctor. Is there something wrong? I thought it might be good to talk to someone ` about my fertility, miscarriages, what my chances might be. Look, I know it might not happen, but we may as well find out. I just didn't realise it was something either of us wanted. I just didn't realise it was something either of us wanted. Everyone wants children. I just didn't realise it was something either of us wanted. Not everyone. You don't want children? You don't want children? I like my life, our life, our careers, our plans. People have children and still have a life. And you would be such a great dad. I don't want to be a dad. If you just think about it` If you just think about it` I have. I made a decision a long time ago. I don't need the sleepless nights, the chaos. And then there's the planet. What? What? Over-population, diminishing resources. That NASA study predicts the collapse of civilisation within decades. Decades, Michelle. And there are your mummy issues. I do not have mummy issues. I do not have mummy issues. Just because Jocelyn screwed you over and your dad abandoned you. I do not have mummy issues. It's not about that. I do not have mummy issues. It's not about that. OK, fine. If it's what you want, I'll think about it. How's it going? How's it going? Kind of shit. How's it going? Kind of shit. What did you do to your back there? My stepfather whacked me with a bit of wood, reckons he didn't know it had a nail in it. Bummer. My adoptive mum used to put her butts out on my hand. My stepdad threw a dart at me once. Try being locked in a wardrobe for a whole day and then getting whacked for wetting your pants. You mean you had a wardrobe? Oh... (CHUCKLES) I tell you what, put some meths on those blisters tonight. It's gonna hurt like hell, but it'll dry them up. Sure. Sure. Get back to it. KATIE CRIES ACC again?! Un-bloody-believable. Shh. I think she's getting a cold. I knew this was a mistake. I knew this was a mistake. What was? This ` my own company and Sonny Bill's child support and two friggin' babies. What did you say? What did you say? CONSTANCE AND KATIE CRY I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. You did. But I don't know if you don't talk to me. All right, you can knock off. We'll see you tomorrow. Hey, boss man, any chance of an advance? For what? For what? Food. Mum's probably down the pokies. For what? A bucket of chips would make all the difference. Bullshit. Bullshit. Please? You be here at 7.30 or don't bother coming at all. And WINZ gets a call. You be here at 7.30 or don't bother coming at all. And WINZ gets a call. No problem. Right before I call the tax guys about you paying under the table. (LAUGHS) Sup? Sup? He's not coming back, betcha. Yeah, maybe. He's not stupid. He just needs a kick up the arse. He's not stupid. He just needs a kick up the arse. Uncle Brian is the man for the job. He's not stupid. He just needs a kick up the arse. Did you always want to be a dad? Yeah. I was pretty keen. Yeah. I was pretty keen. Not me. Hell, no. And how have you found it? Emma does most of the kid shit. Modern man right there. Modern man right there. Oh, no, she has to do it. She's the baby dairy. Modern man right there. What, you and Michelle thinking of giving it a go? What, you and Michelle thinking of giving it a go? She wants to, but... I thought we were happy, you know, with each other. You see the thing about women, they say they're happy,... You see the thing about women, they say they're happy,... Oh, here we go. ...but they never are. The ones that don't breed turn into mad old cat ladies. It's true. It's true. Michelle's not really a cat person. Then you're in trouble, then, aren't you? Soon you'll be two sprogs and a mortgage. (CHUCKLES) < MUSIC PLAYS ON TV Em? Mm? Mm? Friday night in the big city. Let's go partying. Sorry. I'm so shagged. I might stay up for a bit. OK. Goodnight, sweetie. Night. 1 I told you 7.30, no excuses. Come on, man. Me and my mate were having a drink when his crazy ex shows up, starts going off. So I buy her a drink and another. Next thing it's closing time. So I buy her a drink and another. Next thing it's closing time. And you couldn't leave her there? So I buy her a drink and another. Next thing it's closing time. It would've been rude. It would've been rude. So you went back to hers and helped her take her mind off your mate. It would've been rude. (CHUCKLES) It's like you were there. Yeah. I've taken one for a mate before. One time I rooted this chubby chick to find out how she was cheating at pub quiz. You're shitting me! You're shitting me! Yeah, but then she got knocked up, so,... you know, condoms. You're shitting me! You had anything to eat? Nah. Get this into you, and I'll drop you at your job. Get this into you, and I'll drop you at your job. Thanks. I really appreciate it. Don't be late again. Hi. Hang on. You haven't left Constance to play on the road, have you? Hang on. You haven't left Constance to play on the road, have you? No, she's with the nanny. Super Wendy's coming two mornings a week. I feel a bit guilty. CATHERINE: You shouldn't. CATHERINE: You shouldn't. Now, there's a lamb casserole and a chicken curry. CATHERINE: You shouldn't. Oh, that's so nice. You don't have to keep feeding us. I don't mind. I don't mind. Don't stop. We love it. Do you need anything else? Do you need anything else? I think I'll be all right. Don't forget to do your exercises. Don't forget to do your exercises. Yes, bossy. See you, guys. Don't forget to do your exercises. See you, guys. Bye. See you, guys. Bye. Bye. See you, guys. Wow. What happened to models with attitude? She's lovely. She's lovely. I know. Well, I think you both have gorgeous girls, and I would like one just like them, wouldn't I? You want a baby? Sure. But what are my chances? Well, your fertility does decrease dramatically as soon as you hit 30. Well, your fertility does decrease dramatically as soon as you hit 30. Hey, don't sugar-coat it (!) Well, your fertility does decrease You really should talk to a fertility expert. You should definitely go for it. You should definitely go for it. Yeah. It's just a case of talking Richard round. He's not keen? You should definitely go for it. Dead against. Well, that's what he says. He's not keen? Dead against. Well, that's what he says. He's not keen? Yeah, well, he only has to look at a woman and she gets pregnant. But not any more, of course. How is he? How is he? Good. Working long hours. I was, but... You heard me? You heard me? When was this? When Catherine was in hospital on the machines, I was, um, talking about whether Brian would cope. What, you think he's gonna blow? What, you think he's gonna blow? It's possible. (CHUCKLES) I hope not. (SNEEZES) (SNEEZES) Oh! (SNEEZES) Oh! (LAUGHS) Hey there. I got us some` Surprise! This is Monty. And he is from a pet shop, yes, but I have his papers; he is microchipped and vaccinated. I just thought he was adorable. He is. Hello, Monty. Aw, you are very sweet, aren't you? Hi! (CHUCKLES) Hey. How's it? Good. Good. Andy will be back around about 3 just to hook this all up. Where's your offsider? Where's your offsider? Lunch break. That's a bit bloody slack. That's a bit bloody slack. It's cool. CELL PHONE RINGS COUPLE PANT, MOAN Hey. Hey. Oh, sh... Hey. Oh, sh... Is anyone gonna get that? Hi, Noah. Yeah, I've found Jake. I'll call you. I'll call you. I should fire your arse. I'll call you. I should fire your arse. Like you've never done it. Come on, man. I can't take chicks home. My stepfather would kill me. Go and help Noah. I didn't know whether to strangle the bastard or shake his hand. I didn't know whether to strangle the bastard or shake his hand. He's a smart arse, I didn't know whether to strangle troubled background. Sound familiar? But he is a hit with the ladies. troubled background. Sound familiar? But he is a hit with the ladies. But he is a hit with the ladies. OK, we share some similarities. But he is a hit with the ladies. OK, we share some similarities. (LAUGHS) Hey, you ever worry the best bits are over? You know, of your life, I mean. You know, of your life, I mean. No. I feel like they're only just beginning. Five minutes, folks and we're back with round five. Five minutes, folks and we're back with round five. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just talking shit. Aw, he is the cutest thing. He's really quite heart-melting. He's really quite heart-melting. He's a buy-off. He's really quite heart-melting. He's a buy-off. A what? Richard bought me a puppy to distract me from talking babies. Richard bought me a puppy to distract me from talking babies. He wouldn't be so stupid, would he? Richard bought me a puppy to distract me from talking babies. Nah, no way. Nah, no way. 'Course not. Nah, no way. 'Course not. You're not fooling me either. Nah, no way. 'Course not. Where do you get off, Delaney? She's got a little one, you know. She is freaking. She's got a little one, you know. She is freaking. Oh, right, you mean Jo. She's got a little one, you know. She is freaking. 'Course I do. I asked Jo for some money I put into the house. I asked Jo for some money I put into the house. Shame on you. Shame! Mate, I'm sorry, but how is this any of your business? I thought you two had broken up. Well, she needed to talk to someone ` someone who knows what a prick you are. So, yeah, I was there for her. Are you back together? Are you back together? Yeah. And it's all good. But top tip ` watch your back, Cat. Well, I happen to think you did the right thing. Well, I happen to think you did the right thing. Marry in haste and all of that. You were smart waiting for the right one to come along. You were smart waiting for the right one to come along. Yeah, don't I know it? Hey. Did we win? Third ` behind the Slummy Mummies, who are only there for the Chardonnay. Monty and I have had a good night. He's not too sure about his crate. He's not too sure about his crate. Neither am I. He's not too sure about his crate. days ` crate training. It's what you do these days ` crate training. As den animals, they see it as their own special place. As den animals, they see it as their own special place. You really are such a nerd. And if you can cope with Monty, then who knows what might be next? Hey, Shania. How's it going? And the obvious thing to do here would be to offer the lady a hand. And the obvious thing to do here would be to offer the lady a hand. Hey, you need a hand with that? And the obvious thing to do here would be to offer the lady a hand. You see? There's your opening. And then you say, 'Can I buy you a drink sometime?' What's the worst that can happen? She could laugh. That'd be pretty bad. She could laugh. That'd be pretty bad. Nah, she won't. And that's how you do it, mate. Hot date? Hot date? Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Hot date? Give Shania a call. Me? Me? Why'd you think I got her number? I did the exact same thing for Mac once. I did the exact same thing for Mac once. Did he score? Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did. ALL CHUCKLE This is the last day of our agreement, so you can pick up your WINZ form after work. Sure. Thanks. Or you can stay on if you think you can handle it. Seriously? LAUGHS: Yeah! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. OK. Get to it. You called Shania yet? Yeah. We're going to a party tomorrow. Yeah. We're going to a party tomorrow. She's bringing her sister. Yeah. We're going to a party tomorrow. Yeah, cool. I remember what that was like. How many you reckon you've rooted? How many you reckon you've rooted? Eh? How many you reckon you've rooted? Eh? All up ` how many chicks? I tried to figure it out once. Lost count in the hundreds. I tried to figure it out once. Lost count in the hundreds. (SCOFFS) Bullshit. I tried to figure it out once. Yeah, but you get more points for a threesome. (LAUGHS) Yeah, but, you know, everything changes when you've got a wife and kids. Never stopped my dad. He just left us and kept partying. That's not good. I mean, you've got to grow up sooner or later. That's not good. I mean, you've got to grow up sooner or later. Speak for yourself, old man. Sorry. I had a quote to do on the way home. It's OK. We're all under control here. There's some dinner on the bench. There's some dinner on the bench. Oh, thanks. How was your day? How was your day? Great. Busy. Jake's working out all right. Jake's working out all right. That's good. Jake's working out all right. That's good. Oh, um, how's Katie? She's good. But Maggie's teething. I might tuck in too while I can. Hey, um,... I said I might catch up with Mac for a beer tonight, if that's OK. Of course. Are you sure? I mean, if you want me to stay and help out` Are you sure? I mean, if you want me to stay and help out` You've had a long day too. Are you sure? I mean, if you want me to stay and help out` You're allowed to wind down. Say hi to Mac for me. Say hi to Mac for me. Yeah, sure, will do. Say hi to Mac for me. Yeah, sure, will do. (CRIES) (SIGHS) DANCE MUSIC PUMPS GIRL: Hi. GIRL: Hi. GIRL: Hey, you made it. Hi. Hi. Hi. Could I get a light? Hi. Could I get a light? Sure. I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere. Hey. Everything OK? Everything OK? Mm-hm. VOICEOVER: Kinder Chocolate is made especially for kids with a yummy milky centre, kid-sized portions and a taste that kids love. Kinder Chocolate. Made for kids. 1 Piss off! Piss off! Get over yourself, you dick! Bastard. Bastard. What? What? Go, go. Have a go, you pussy. Bastard. Have a go, you pussy. Have a go, you pussy. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on? Have a go, you pussy. A what? Have a go, you pussy. Hey, hey. Cool it, OK. I said that's enough. A what? Hey, hey. Cool it, OK. I said that's enough. Now, what is the problem here? Now, what is the problem here? He's just a Ponsonby wanker. Now, what is the problem here? He's just a Ponsonby wanker. You're scum. Now, what is the problem here? He's just a Ponsonby wanker. Noah. Maybe he's got his period. Heya. Heya. Mum says I have to go to Ruapehu with her... and Cory. Heya. I said, it would be nice if you would. Well, you're probably old enough to make your own decision. Well, you're probably old enough to make your own decision. Yes. Thanks, Dad. Thanks for the support (!) I'm surprised you didn't put it in an email. I was just trying to keep it business. I was just trying to keep it business. Mm. I got that. I was just trying to Look, I invested in your house to help you. To put a roof over our children's heads. To put a roof over our children's heads. And your head. I'm sorry? I'm sorry? And your other child by another man. Is this any of your business? Is this any of your business? Mac isn't being unreasonable. I am sorry you had an accident, but I don't see why I should be punished for it. Oh, for Christ's sake! Not everything is about you. I am not going to stay and be spoken to in that manner. I am not going to stay and be spoken to in that manner. Good. Oi. Work boots off at the door. Work boots off at the door. Yeah, yeah. We could pick this up at another time ` in private. But there is no way I can afford to pay you. See you, darling. Why are you home so early? Why are you home so early? I had to leave before I killed him ` that prick Jake. Why are you home so early? What did he do to you? Why are you home so early? What did he do to you? I wish Brian had never taken him on. They went to a party on Saturday night. They went to a party on Saturday night. Yeah, I know. They went to a party on Saturday night. Jake hooked Noah up with this chick. Oh, don't tell me. Jake did the dirty on Noah with Shania? Hey, you remember that time? What was her name? Meredith. You were dark on me for ages. That's not why. Shania's sister was there, and she was drunk. Well, very drunk. Now, according to Noah, Jake and a couple of his mates carried her into a bedroom and they all had sex with her. OK, but... that's not good, but teenage parties, man, things get messy. It was more than that. It was more than that. Come on. We weren't exactly angels. We never gang-banged anyone, much less a girl too drunk to walk. She's only 15. Shit. Shit. Yeah, it is. (SIGHS) EMMA: There we are, darling. There we are. There you go. Was Mac OK? Was Mac OK? Eh? Oh, yeah. Just some crap with Noah and the kid. Jake? Yeah, I wanted to give him a go, but... maybe some people are just beyond it. What's he done? What's he done? You do not want to know. Brian. Brian. What? Brian. What? Just let me say this. You are amazing and brave to take on everything like you have, and I'm so proud of you, and I love you. OK? OK. OK. Especially considering how screwed up your upbringing was. What's that got to do with anything? What's that got to do with anything? Have you ever thought about maybe talking to someone? What's that got to do with anything? A shrink? Or a counsellor. Or a counsellor. I don't need that middle-class bullshit. I'm fine. Or a counsellor. Yeah, well, you can't get everything you want. Maybe you should get some sleep while you can. All right. Goodnight. Goodnight. Night. Good to go? Good to go? Yep. Jake, you can hang here for a bit. Got another job for you. Jake, you can hang here for a bit. Got another job for you. Sweet. VAN ENGINE STARTS What are we doing? What are we doing? Having a chat ` about what went down with you and Noah. What are we doing? He said you gang-raped a 15-year-old girl. He said you gang-raped a 15-year-old girl. That's bullshit. He said you gang-raped a 15-year-old girl. He said you gang-raped a 15-year-old girl. up for it, man. Yeah? Yeah. She was totally up for it, man. She was drunk. She was drunk. Off her tits. She spewed all over Ricky. (CHUCKLES) She was drunk. That's rape. That's rape. She's not gonna complain to anyone. Come on, man, you would've done the same thing if you'd had the chance. Come on, man, you would've done the same thing if you'd had the chance. There's no way. Come on, man, you would've done the What about rooting that chick to win pub quiz? That is not the same thing. That is not the same thing. And those other chicks. You said it was hundreds. That is not the same thing. That is not the same thing. No, you're trying to tell me that none of them was trolleyed. This is the end of the conversation. No, you're trying to tell me that none of them was trolleyed. This is the end of the conversation. Bet you had your fair share of underage pussy when you were my age. Bet you wish you still could. Bet you wish you still could. I said shut up! But you can't, cos you're stuck with an old lady and kids. That is not true. That is not true. Hey, what do you care anyway? I'm trying to help you sort your shit. Nah, nah, nah. You're trying to screw me for the minimum wage. You're no better than me. You're just a sad old bastard. You can stick your stupid job too. ROCK MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Shit! And so he munched, and he crunched, and the cabbage got smaller. See? There he is. There's the cabbage. Hi. Hi. Hi. Um, I've made a start on dinner. It won't be long. Um, I've made a start on dinner. It won't be long. Yeah, it's no hurry. Sorry. I just needed to. I just needed to. It's OK. I know you're not happy. I've been a dick, that's all. (SIGHS) You were right, OK. It's,... you know, still in here. You know, all the shit eating away, telling me to do the wrong thing. You know, all the shit eating away, telling me to do the wrong thing. You haven't done anything wrong. The other night, I... I didn't go for a drink with Mac. I went to a singles bar, a real meat market. And? What happened? I turned round and came home. I love you, Em. But I am really screwed up. And those two little girls in there, what happens when they grow up and meet an arsehole like me? You're not an arsehole. Most of time you're the kindest, sweetest man I've ever met, and I love you so much, it hurts. You are good. You just need to know it. And I'll never give up on you ` ever. You are so staunch. No one else would have the guts to take me on. I love you. I just wish I was better at showing it. You do. When you go to work, take on everything you do, that's Brian King manning up every bloody day. Yeah. Yeah, I can do this. I can. I can. Baby steps. I can. But you can. Maggie and Katie, when they get older, I might have to get a shotgun. But for now, they're asleep. We could just make the most of it. Shit, yeah. How's it looking? Surprising. Surprising. It's beautiful. I hadn't really picked you as a tattoo kind of chick. Well, it still works, moves, feels pain. Why not decorate it? Go for broke. I took your advice. Went to see a specialist ` fertility doctor. What did he say? What did he say? Oh, obviously my chances aren't huge, but it's not all hopeless, and he says they can deal with the miscarriage thing. and he says they can deal with the miscarriage thing. That's great. and he says they can deal with the miscarriage thing. What does Richard think? I'm just taking my time, you know, letting him get used to the idea. I haven't told him yet. I haven't told him yet. Oh! Interesting strategy. It's the only way to operate. CAR LOCK BEEPS Michelle. > Shit. Scotty. Scotty. It's OK. I come in peace. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I'm back for a bit. Thought I may as well drop off the divorce papers. You're looking well, Shell. Come in. All it takes it this, this, and this. Simple, yet somehow brilliant. Because like all classics, when it's right, you know it's right. 1 So, when's the big day? Soon. Hello, you gorgeous thing. How's my good boy, then? How's my good boy, then? Who's this guy? How's my good boy, then? Who's this guy? Monty. Where are the girls? Coco and Chanel. Where are they? I got them a present. It's a bit cheesy, but... They're dead. Eh? They were, um,... poisoned last year. Oh shit. Shell, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. I'm so sorry. they meant to you. But I know how much they meant to you. Jeez, there's some bastards in this world. Jeez, there's some bastards in this world. Hi. > Hey, darling. Um, this is Scotty. Scotty, Richard. Scotty, Richard. Right. Hi there. Scotty, Richard. Right. Hi there. Gidday. Uh, congratulations on the wedding. Thanks. Thanks. Yeah, it'll be a bit easier now. Thanks. Yeah, it'll be a bit easier now. Oh, right. Well, I'll get out of your way. Hey, I'm really sorry about the girls. Well, I'll get out of your way. Hey, I'm really sorry about the girls. Thank you. It was nice to meet you. It was nice to meet you. You too. QUIZMASTER: Folks, we're only minutes away from round one. QUIZMASTER: Folks, we're only minutes away from round one. Are you right in the head? QUIZMASTER: Folks, we're only Perfectly. And bonus ` Celeste is totally put off ever getting one. I never knew you were such a rebel. I never knew you were such a rebel. People surprise. I never knew you were such a rebel. People surprise. Follow my eyes and try not to puke. Hello, everyone. Hello, everyone. Howzit, Sexy Sticks? > Macster, thought you should be first to know. Macster, thought you should be first to know. Cory, no, you can't. Cory needs some work done on his house. Problem with the Jacuzzi. Took out most of the deck. Problem with the Jacuzzi. Took out most of the deck. Oh, shame. Problem with the Jacuzzi. Jo took pity on me, asked me to move in. And you're good with that? And you're good with that? Are you kidding me? The chance to spend more time with this dynamite lady? I am grabbing it with both hands. You must come over for dinner sometime. Hell will be very frosty first. QUIZMASTER: All in the Family. QUIZMASTER: All in the Family. It's like you and Cory. (CHUCKLES) Poor Mac. Poor Mac. I'm still quite disturbed. I guess Cory and Jo have things in common. I guess Cory and Jo have things in common. Like what? I guess Cory and Jo They both hate Mac, and they both love themselves. And maybe Jo wants to have another baby. At her age? At her age? She's not that ancient. And she is quite fertile. At her age? I've seen a specialist ` to rate our chances. He's going to send through some recommendations. About what? About what? You, me, patter of little feet. I thought that we` I thought that we` What did you think? Why would you do that without consulting me? You said you would think about it ` two months ago. We've got Monty to deal with. We've got Monty to deal with. Who is top of his obedience class, thanks to you. And is our life such a chaotic mess? And is our life such a chaotic mess? No. But you can't stick a baby in the garden all day. Can't we just get past the wedding? So we should just put it off until I'm so old that it's not even possible? No. No. This feels like stalling. And believe me I have done that over a business deal in my time. And believe me I have done that over a business deal in my time. OK, I guess that's what I'm doing. I need clarity. You need to give me an answer ` real soon. So, how does it feel not being married? I have been over it for a while. So, do we shake hands, or...? So, do we shake hands, or...? I think we can do better than that. Well, you know how to treat a lady (!) Well, you know how to treat a lady (!) I still don't get wine bars. I've adjusted. So, this Richard dude, what's he like? He is utterly dependable, decent, and he was there for me at a very bad time. How's Tammy? Actually, me and Tammy, that's not happening, not any more. Shit. Shit. Yeah. Bitch is taking me for everything I've got. Well, half. Shit. Say 'I told you so' if you want. Not any more. Say 'I told you so' if you want. Not any more. Not any more. Thought you'd be stoked. Payback. Not any more. Thought you'd be stoked. Payback. Payback's overrated. I am now zen Michelle. I'm sorry I never told you about Coco and Chanel. Well, we weren't exactly on chatting terms. It was one hell of a custody battle. It was one hell of a custody battle. Yep. It was one hell of a custody battle. And you won. But not today. Pool table's free. Ooh, it's been a while. Ooh, it's been a while. I reckon I can still cane your arse. Ooh, it's been a while. I reckon I can still cane your arse. You wish, buster. Ooh, it's been a while. THE EASTERN'S 'TRY NOT TO CRY' PLAYS (TUTS) Sorry, mate. There was no coin down. There was no coin down. No need. We're regulars. We'll take you. We'll take you. Oh. We'll take you. Oh. No. Scotty, I'm useless. But I'm not that crap, am I? Yeah, sure, we'll play ya. 50 bucks. 50 bucks. All right. 50. 50 bucks. All right. 50. Are you sure? 50 bucks. All right. 50. Wayne! Yes. MUSIC CONTINUES # You can try not to cry # but I won't be... # Thank you. Just like old times. Hi, it's Richard. Michelle's not with you, is she? Hi, it's Richard. Michelle's not with you, is she? No, sorry. That's OK. She's not answering her phone. That's OK. She's not answering her phone. Is everything OK? Yeah, it's fine. She's probably on her way home. Great. I'll let you know if I hear from her. Great. I'll let you know if I hear from her. Cheers. How's your biz going? Well, it was great, until I had to take out a loan out to pay Tammy out. (GROANS) Freeloading slapper. The worst bit is I was about to go in with a franchiser who's big on the Gold Coast, but now I don't have any cash. but now I don't have any cash. Mm. I guess that's karma catching up with me. I guess that's karma catching up with me. How'd you figure that? Well, I did the dirty on you; now look at me. I did some shitty things to you too. This franchise deal, how much was it going to set you back? A bit. A bit. Let me take a look. You're not serious. You're not serious. I'm always up for an opportunity. Shell, no. You're not serious. Shell, no. Why not? Shell, no. Why not? Because it wouldn't feel right. Shell, no. Why not? But it's an amazing offer. And it's been real good doing this, eh? And it's been real good doing this, eh? Yeah. And I've kept you out long enough. I should go. < DOOR CLOSES Hi. Hi. Hey. I went to the venue. The deposit's all paid. They're just waiting on your approval. Great. Great. There's some dinner in the oven for you. I picked up Thai. Great. Oh. Oh. We filed our divorce papers today, so it was a bit of a moment. Right. When Elizabeth and I got divorced, it was all pretty much done by fax. Scotty and I were married for over 20 years. That's over half my life. You could've let me know, is all. You could've let me know, is all. It was spur of the moment. Ever heard of that? I know I'm not exactly spontaneous. I know I'm not exactly spontaneous. Not exactly. I like to know what's happening and I know I'm not exactly spontaneous. babies. I like to know what's happening and when. And you can't do that with babies. I don't think I can do kids, Michelle. I just can't. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, this is just beautiful. It'll cost an arm and a leg. And that's just for the oysters. But if it's what you want... When Scotty and I got married, it was just us and some witnesses we dragged off the street. Then we went out and had burgers and beer. I'm sure they have burgers if you want them. Though, now they're called sliders. I don't know if I can do this. The venue or the sliders? If two people want different things, then how can that ever work? If two people want different things, then how can that ever work? Richard doesn't want kids? No. Not at all. How will I ever get over it? Even if I do love him. (SIGHS) I just feel so much grief. If Scotty and I had had those babies, life would be so different. life would be so different. Honey, this is just a speed bump. And Richard is an amazing guy. And Richard is an amazing guy. I know. And you have your career and your business, and I totally worship you for that. I guess it's good to be good at something. . I've been thinking about how unfair it is Tammy ripped you off and this Gold Coast franchise. We've been through this, Michelle. We've been through this, Michelle. But if this deal makes financial sense... We've been through this, Michelle. Yeah, it would've been good. Well, I could've taken my biz into a bigger market. Well, I could've taken my biz into a bigger market. Then show me some figures. Oh, you have to admit we were bloody good when we were in business together. No, you were the one with the golden touch. Email me the paperwork and let me see if it's a go. And... I do expect to make from this. 'Course you do. There we go, my darling. There we go, my darling. You're only meant to feed him from his bowl. There we go, my darling. You ignore him, sweet thing. I can spoil you as much as I want. You seem a lot happier. I'm glad. I've got a new business venture in the pipeline. I've got a new business venture in the pipeline. That's fantastic. What is it? I've got a new business It's off shore ` Australia, in fact ` with Scotty. It makes sense. His business is basically a version of what we were doing here. And this seems to stack up. And this seems to stack up. You weren't even talking to the guy two weeks ago. And this seems to stack up. which I think is a good thing. Then we put everything behind us, which I think is a good thing. Then we put everything behind us, which I think is a good thing. No. Then we put everything behind us, which I think is a good thing. No way in hell. No way in hell. Excuse me? Now you get to make my business decisions too? No way in hell. You have got to be joking. You're doing this to get at me ` going into business with your ex-husband, a guy you hate. I don't. And I'm not. Well, it's either that or you're insane. Shit. I didn't mean that. Shit. I didn't mean that. There's nothing wrong with my mental health. But since you raised it, Shit. I didn't mean that. if we're not having kids, then I will have time. I see. I see. Yeah, I'm doing this whether you like it or not. I see. You don't just say how it is and the other person has to live with it. You don't just say how it is and the other person has to live with it. Is that right? You don't just say how it is and the Oh, we're back on the baby thing. What would you do then? You've done it? You've done it? No. But my point is that's how it happens for most people. You've done it? It's something spontaneous. It's not a decision; it's just life. It's something spontaneous. It's not a decision; it's just life. It's something spontaneous. You know that I'm not like that. If I go ahead with this thing with Scotty, then that's a deal breaker? Yes. Yes. And you don't ever want a baby. Then I guess we have a double deal breaker. The stupid doctor kept insisting I was fit for work even though some days I can't remember where I parked my car. So I asked him where he got his medical degree. Was it out of a sodding Christmas cracker? You said that? You said that? Ladies and gents, if you wouldn't mind. Before we start, we have a bit of an announcement. Before we start, we have a bit of an announcement. Sure do. OK, everyone. A wonderful, beautiful lady over there has just given me the best news ever. She's not pregnant? She's not pregnant? She's agreed to be my wife. Get the hell out. Remember what happened last time he proposed at The Beagle? Remember what happened last time he proposed at The Beagle? Congratulations. Remember what happened last But, uh, actually, that wasn't the announcement I wanted to make. Oh? Oh? It is my sad duty to inform you all that... The Beagle's been sold. The Beagle's been sold. PATRONS EXCLAIM Developers have bought the building to turn it into apartments, and the pub will be closing in two weeks. No way. No way. Shame! I know how you feel, folks, but the show must go on. So eyes down for round one - Curly Conundrums. And question 10 ` the English for which Asian city is 'upon the sea'? If you said Shanghai, you'd be right. Richard would've got that. Richard would've got that. Yes, possibly. None of you did too well there, but Richard would've got that. Men,... None of you did too well there, but limping to the lead is Marathon Men,... Yeah! Yeah! ...followed by Two Short Planks, Yeah! For The Beer tying for third. with Sex On A Stick and Here For The Beer tying for third. Balls. Balls. We're distracted. I can't believe this place is being bowled over. Balls. in front of the bulldozers. We could always throw ourselves in front of the bulldozers. We could always throw ourselves in front of the bulldozers. Or you could buy it. We could always throw ourselves in front of the bulldozers. My money's tied up, as you know. I can't believe you're still going ahead with that. I can't believe you're still going ahead with that. It's a good deal. I can't believe you're still going ahead with that. What about Richard? I'm not the one who's being inflexible. I think that he was good for you. I think that he was good for you. And he was an ace at quiz. You two are free to hook up with him when you want. You could be throwing your happiness away by being so stubborn. Just chill out, all right. I'll get us more drinks. Just because your life is perfect with your man and your child. Just because your life is perfect with your man and your child. You get one shot at life. I know it! Right. So you nearly died, and now we all have to do what you want because you're St Catherine? I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. Actually, you're being rude and acting like my life is less than yours. It's bullshit. What are you doing? What are you doing? Leaving. You can't leave, the Hollywood scandal round is next. You can't leave, the Hollywood scandal round is next. Shit. You can't leave, the Hollywood scandal round is next. Two glasses of Merlot. So, aren't you going to congratulate me? So, aren't you going to congratulate me? Have you told the boys? Not yet. (SCOFFS) So this is something you share with the pub, not those closest to you. You have to get used to the fact that we have separate lives now. You have to get used to the fact that we have separate lives now. I'm all over that, believe me. You have to get used to the fact that we have separate lives now. I'm sorry if you're put out. Cory is rather impulsive. Well, it's good timing, because we need to talk about the house. What about it? What about it? This time, I do want my money out. And you would raise something like this at quiz night? Well, it's a good a time as any. Well, it's a good a time as any. You really are a prick sometimes. She is a sneaky, sanctimonious, self-serving, narcissistic bitch. I know I shouldn't say these things. I know I shouldn't say these things. (CHUCKLES) No. I love it that you're now unpacking yourself ` on a daily basis. (CHUCKLES) I'm not the same person I used to be. Not so different. Not so different. Why did I say that to Michelle? It's the truth. And if I go back to work, I'll probably tell some fatty they're obese cos they eat like a pig. You're still a good doctor. I only did science cos I was good at it. I only did science cos I was good at it. What did you really want to do? English. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing any more. Well, you could have a holiday while you think about it. We still have tickets to Paris, which are about to expire. (CHUCKLES) I'd love to, but there's so much` (CHUCKLES) I'd love to, but there's so much` No buts. Just... (CHUCKLES) I'd love to, but there's so much` Just think about it. But I am right about Michelle and Richard. And they're turning it into apartments? And they're turning it into apartments? Mm. Something like that. And they're turning it into apartments? That's a real shame. Well, you need to know that we all miss you, especially Michelle. She said that? She said that? No, she's too proud. I do miss her ` a lot. a lot. Then, for God's sake, do something about it. We broke up because we both had deal breakers. We broke up because we both had deal breakers. It's love, not a bloody merger. And if you love her, then tell her so. I made a decision a long time ago that parenthood was something` I made a decision a long time ago that parenthood was something` Stop being a pompous, watery git. The chances are at her age, Michelle won't get pregnant. And if she does, she'll find it's a lot harder than having a dog and stop at one. I thought you were on her side. I thought you were on her side. I'm being realistic. And I can't stand it when I see people I love being dumb and illogical and throwing away their happiness for stupid principles. You really don't hold back these days, do you? You really don't hold back these days, do you? I held back for far too long. Don't make the same mistake. . Sure, I could do it cheaper, but it wouldn't be doing it right. All right, yep, get back to me. Tight arse. < DOOR CLOSES < DOOR CLOSES Hey. Look what I got for Maggie. < DOOR CLOSES Hey. Look what I got for Maggie. There he is. What are you doing in my house? What are you doing in my house? I just wanted to ask if you had any work going, bro. I told you before, I'm not your bro. I told you before, I'm not your bro. I said he could wait. I told you before, I'm not your bro. I said he could wait. Out now! I told you before, I'm not your bro. I said he could wait. I hardly touched him. He's got no right to be here. I hardly touched him. I hardly touched him. I'm going. All right, I'm going. I hardly touched him. I'm going. All right, I'm going. KATIE CRIES Jake, wait up. Jake! What's going on? What's going on? Told you. I need a job. I mean, are you hurt? I mean, are you hurt? Yeah, like you care. All right, be the big man. If you don't talk about shit, nothing changes. My stepfather got a bit pissed off. Show me. Christ. Couple of cracked ribs. They gave me some painkillers. What did you tell them? What did you tell them? Fell down some stairs. Right, here's how it's gonna be. You come to work on time every time. You don't stay out all night on the piss. And the thing with women,... And the thing with women,... I know, I know. And the thing with women,... I know, I know. ...you gotta treat 'em with respect. And the thing with women,... Cos if I ever hear of you doing anything like that again, I will fire your arse and bring a whole lotta bad on you. Is that clear? Yeah. Now, what are we gonna do about your stepdad? Now, what are we gonna do about your stepdad? I've moved out. Now, what are we gonna Where are you living? (SIGHS) Well, that's not gonna work. He's in the back shed for a couple of days, that's all. He's in the back shed for a couple of days, that's all. I really don't mind. He'll be at work with me, and if he comes into the house bugging you` He'll be at work with me, and if he comes into the house bugging you` Brian, I'll be fine. I'm used to handling bad boys... and boys who used to be bad boys. and boys who used to be bad boys. Hey, I'm no pussy. It's very brave to forgive. And I love you for it. Hello. I'm sorry if I was insensitive. Well, you are brain damaged. (LAUGHS) Yes! We're gonna nail it tonight. Did you invite him? Did you invite him? Hi, folks. Did you invite him? Hi, folks. Nope. It's good to see you, mate. Hi, folks. It's good to see you, mate. Second to last ever quiz night. Wasn't gonna miss it. It's good to see you, mate. QUIZ MASTER: And it's round one ` flags of the world. Four is Zimbabwe. Six is Tibet. Six is Tibet. I knew that. Tibet is my favourite. Six is Tibet. One is most likely Nigeria. One is most likely Nigeria. 10 is most definitely Thailand. Question nine in Animal/Vegetable? A sea cucumber is an animal, not vegetable. And a loofah is a vegetable, not animal. Yes! Nailed it, bro. Got a bit of time for the telly these days. And we're on to round six ` Cooking with Gas. A flambe is cooked in what kind of liquid? RICHARD AND EMMA: Alcohol. And at the end of the penultimate night of The Beagle, our runners up are Sex On A Stick on 88. But the winners are the Marathon Men on 90. TEAM: Maaarathon Men! Damn those bastards. Damn those bastards. Shit. I thought we'd got there. No, you were the bomb, mate. And you'd better come back next week. No, you were the bomb, mate. And you'd better come back next week. We'll see. No, you were the bomb, mate. And you'd better come back next week. I'm going to the toilet. Yes, Emma, I know what you're all thi` (SIGHS) You do know you are in a ladies' toilet? I'm being spontaneous. Really? Here's the thing. If we were to try again, that thing that was a deal-breaker for me, it wouldn't have to be a deal-breaker. You're OK with me going into business with Scotty? You're OK with me going into business with Scotty? OK, I'm not great about that, but the other thing. The baby thing? I'm willing to reconsider, because... I love you and I want to be with you, and if you feel the same way, then` and if you feel the same way, then` Let me get this straight. I pull out of the deal with Scotty, and you'll reconsider? I pull out of the deal with Scotty, and you'll reconsider? No conditions. Just an offer. I'll let you think about it. I'll see you next week, folks. I'll see you next week, folks. Yeah, see ya. Yeah, we should get home too. Yeah, we should get home too. See ya. Is this good or bad? Is this good or bad? MAC: Who knows? Is this good or bad? As long as he comes back next week. As long as he comes back next week. Catch you later. Bye. As long as he comes back next week. Bye. See you, mate. Bye. See you, mate. See you, mate. Bye. This has to work out. It just has to. This has to work out. It just has to. Settle. Breathing. I hope you got my valuation on the house, because I'm ready to go ahead. As Cory says, it's not worth the grief, and it's worth it to get you out of my life. I'm not in your life, apart from the kids. You know, I do feel sorry for you. You've lost your business, you've given up so much. I get why you need the money. I get why you need the money. This is not about money or scoring points. I get why you need the money. That's not what I'm doing. I get why you need the money. That's not what I'm doing. When you've found the one you love and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, that's all that matters. I see. I see. I wish you every happiness. Yes! I'm free. Finally! Jo's right. You've given up so much for me. Jo's right. You've given up so much for me. Jo is full of shit, as you know. But you are responsible for me. Are you sure you're not staying with me because I'm brain damaged or because you feel guilty? Stop it, stop it. Stop it, stop it. No, I'm just unpacking. (SIGHS) Look, I fell in love with the mysterious woman with the book. But there was always something you were... shielding. Not any more. Not any more. And I love that. And I see great scope for us. How? When we get back from Europe, you could become one of the greatest COWS ever. What? What? A Conscientious Older Woman Student. What? annoying the lecturers, I could see you up front annoying the lecturers, telling them how wrong they are. telling them how wrong they are. You are very rude. telling them how wrong they are. You are very rude. But I'm very right, aren't I? The point is you can do anything, you can be anything, and I will always love you. Even though I suck as a matchmaker. Not everybody's perfect, not even you. # What's that life? # What's that life that you had in the house? # What's that glow? Hello. It's Michelle Hardcastle. Yes, I got the contract, but I'm afraid I've had second thoughts. Look, I'd rather tell Scotty in person. # It's the cold that you worry about. # And how frail... KNOCKING # ...you have become. Oh shit. Oh shit. Tammy? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Maybe you should come back later. You broke up with him, took him for half of everything. Scotty! Scotty! He's in the loo. He's` He's not too well. Scotty! Get out here, you lying bastard. Get out here, you lying bastard. I know I wasn't meant to answer the door, but I forgot. Get out here, you lying bastard. Urgh. What the hell are you playing at? Look, she turned up last night. Look, she turned up last night. Bullshit, she did. (EXHALES) But I just came here to say I've changed my mind. Some things are more important than business. # Make some room and just keep going. # Make some room and just keep going. # The light is on. # The light is on. Hey. I decided not to do it ` the Scotty thing. And I have never made a better decision in my whole life. And, who knows, maybe I am barren and withered, but at least I've got the best man. # The light is on. # The light is on. # But it's a heart that has been drinking. # # The light is on. Richard, do you take Michelle to be your wife? I do. I do. Michelle, do you take Richard to be your husband? I do. As a wedding celebrant of NZ, I now pronounce you legally married, husband and wife. CHEERING All righty, let's break it up. It's time to go. All righty, let's break it up. It's time to go. Time to kick arse! Shit, the lucky table. I don't think so, lady. I don't think so, lady. As you can see it's rather full, and it's not as if you own it. Well, it's baggsed. Well, it's baggsed. Double baggsed. Well, it's baggsed. Double baggsed. Triple baggsed. You really are so childish. Hi. Hi. I'd say good luck, but, mm, I really wouldn't mean it. Hi. OK, we stay chilled, and we think of this as training for the finals. Actually, we might be away. Actually, we might be away. We'll be in Paris! Then Europe. Then Europe. Wow, go you! I'm questioning the commitment. Then Europe. I'm questioning the commitment. I'm questioning the commitment. After that, I will be very available, because I will be at uni. Studying English. Studying English. Why? You already know way too much about English. Studying English. ready for the very last night ever at The Beagle? Greetings, folks. And are we all ready for the very last night ever at The Beagle? PATRONS CHEER Tonight, it's quick-fire on the questions, so stay focused. Right, are we ready? Right, are we ready? We are! Ladies and gentlemen, eyes down and pencils poised for round one ` Happy Endings. Question one ` who is rumoured to have died of eating a ham sandwich? Question one ` who is rumoured to have died of eating a ham sandwich? Mama Cass. Question two ` whose last words were 'Let not poor Nelly starve'? Question two ` whose last words were 'Let not poor Nelly starve'? Oh God, God, I should know this. Charles. Charles. Charles isn't dead. Charles. Charles isn't dead. No, Charles II. Question three ` the last property on the Monopoly board is what? 10 out of 10 ` Sex On A Stick... Whoo-hoo! ...and our current reigning champions, the Marathon Men. Yeah! Yeah! All right, we need to go harder. Question three ` what is the highest mountain in Chile? Shit, shit. Which is the northern most point in NZ? Cape Reinga. Cape Reinga. No, it's not. It's Nugent Island in the Kermadecs. Ha, got 'em. Rick Stein hails from which part of Britain? Rick Stein hails from which part of Britain? Cornwall. Rick Stein hails from which part of Britain? A kasundi is a type of what? Pickle. Damn her and her eggplant kasundi. Beaumarchais is a cheese or a font? It sounds like a cheese. OK. OK. Maybe it's not. Question eight ` in the classic sitcom Are You Being Served, what was the name of the department store? what was the name of the department store? Grace Brothers. (CHUCKLES) We are caning it. Question nine ` who had a hit single in 1989 with Eternal Flame? The Bangles. Grr. Dammit. And at the end of this hard fought night at The Beagle, that's our close placers. But now, in third on a very respectable 88,... Can't be us. Can't be us. ...it's I'm With Stupid! Give it up for one of our favourite regular teams. Good on you, guys! Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou... Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou... I never knew you were religious. Only at important times. And too late to be a deal breaker. And now the final placings. And now the final placings. Shit, shit, shit. And now the final placings. Shit, shit, shit. After level-pegging all night, And now the final placings. Shit, shit, shit. the final score has Sex on A Stick on 92... Bugger. Bugger. Yeah! ...and the Marathon Men also on 92. PATRONS EXCLAIM PATRONS EXCLAIM You know what this means, folks ` sudden death. I've got this. I've got this. I'll be asking three questions to decide the ultimate champions I've got this. And I'm making this ladies' choice. Eh? Eh? What? Eh? What? It's my last night, and I can. What do you say, Beagle? What do you say, Beagle? PATRONS CHEER, APPLAUD I'll take her. I'll take her. Let me. Call it a grudge match. You bust 'em, baby. Question one ` the Blondeshells, The Missing Links or the Average Joes ` which is not the name of a team who've played at The Beagle? Human papillomavirus is better known as what? Oh, she has got to know this. She has to. Come on. And finally, this 19th century novelist had an affair with a musical superstar and often dressed in men's clothing. She also famously said, 'There is only one happiness in life'. Being a freako? Being a freako? What is her name, and what is that happiness? And now the answers in sudden death. In answer to question one, both parties got the right answer. It was the Average Joes. And in question two, the human papillomavirus is better known as warts. And again, both correct. God, I hate her. And now to question three ` the name of the author. Your answer is? Your answer is? (CLEARS THROAT) George Sand. And the one happiness is being true to yourself. And your answer is? George Sand. And there is only one happiness in life ` to love and be loved. Sex On A Stick are correct! They are now the all-time champions of The Beagle! UPLIFTING MUSIC Congratulations. You did it. You did it. We. We did it. THE FINN BROTHERS' 'ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN' # The day has begun. # And I stumble to the front. # There's no real control # of a random event. # And I will take my chances. # Just anything will happen. # I don't believe it's over. # Cos anything can happen. #