NARRATOR: "Long ago, the Duke of Milan commissioned "a little-known artist to erect a mammoth statue of a horse." WIND BLOWS "The time was 1481. The artist was Leonardo da Vinci." The guy on the donkey's just a guy on a donkey. Anyway, they called this statue the 'Sforza', and it was going to be the largest bronze statue ever built. But wouldn't you know it, war broke out and bronze became scarce. So da Vinci decided to create a machine to change common lead into bronze. But when da Vinci finally turned this machine on, it was to give him something more than he expected. LOUD EXPLOSION LOUD EXPLOSION (Man yells) AARGH! LOUD EXPLOSION Something much more than bronze! (Yells) LEONARDO! (Shouts in Italian) FURNACE ROARS HAMMERS CLANK ON METAL (Commands in Italian) MACHINERY CREAKS SUNLIGHT! ELECTRICAL BUZZ HURRY! HURRY! Faster! HOT METAL HISSES Ow! It's gold. ONLOOKER: Oh...gold! (Gives order in Italian) Here. A disaster. (Taps gold on table) (Taps gold) (Taps gold twice) 'MONA LISA' PLAYS MAN: Maestro, siamo pronti! MAN: Maestro, siamo pronti! (GROANS) HARPSICHORD THEME PLAYS (Speaks Italian) Eh! (Speaks Italian) Maestro. (Speaks Italian) Ah, non avere paura. Siamo pronti? Siamo pronti? Siamo pronti, Maestro. Siamo pronti? (Shouts command in Italian) (Yells in Italian) (Yells) NO! NO! Bravo! (Curses in Italian) METAL CLINKS NARRATOR: Exactly 500 years later, an artiste of a different field, the one of cat-burglary, was getting out of Sing Sing. He was known as the Hudson Hawk. (Hawk squawks) WARDER: Got a coat...hat. Here's your personal items. Here's your wallet. I think you'll find everything in there. Don't you want your receipt? Keep it. You ready? I got it, Kelly. Eddie! Eddie! So the Hudson Hawk is finally getting out. Remember all the reporters that were here when you came in? 'World's Greatest Cat Burglar'. Ah, who gives a fuck. Got a proposition for you. The answer's no, even if you beg. I found you a job. No way. It's a terrific job - an auction house. One night's work and you're free. No checking in with the shrink, no more community service. I like community service. I want to teach the handicapped to yodel. I ain't stealing no more, Gates. LAUGHS: 10 years later, you're still impressed with yourself. Same old coat, same old hat. You're extinct, Hawk. From you, that's a powerful statement. Aren't you supposed to stop me from committing crimes? You know, "Give a hoot, don't pollute." You ain't out yet, wise guy. I can set you up and send you back, any time. It's a very fine line between ex-con and escaped con. DOOR BUZZES Hey, Gates - do it yourself. Hey! HE'S GOT MY KEYS! I'll be seeing you, Hawk! Open the gate. See you around, Mike. Take it easy, Eddie. CAR BACKFIRES BRAKES SQUEAK That's the first thing I did. Smooch the ground and taste the freedom. Sorry I'm late. I miss anything? As always, your timing is impeccable. Where's the kiss? Get away from me! No tongue this time. (Giggles) Whoa! What? Hmm, hmm, hmm. Looks like you've expanded your... Don't say it. I'm incredibly sensitive about my figure. My next word would have been 'consciousness'. ENGINE SPLUTTERS YAHOO! You're free, you son of a bitch! What do you want to do? Statue of Liberty, entertain some ladies? Broadway tickets, seduce some women? Play Nintendo? Bone some chicks? (Beeps horn) What's Nintendo? Get me to Five-Tone, Tommy. If I don't get a cappuccino, I'll strangle somebody. You still gotta thing for those unmasculine European coffees. What can I say? Who's your buddy? The man knows! The man knows! So, Mr Coffee, have any trouble checking out? Not much. Gates just tried to blackmail me into doing a job. TYRES SCREECH That doughnut-hole eating son of a bitch! WHAT A BASTARD! Had the perfect amount of foam. I'll get you 10 back at the bar. Gates wants you to rob an auction house? Are you going deaf? He's your parole officer! I KNOW! I'm not going deaf. Tommy. What? Just get me into Five-Tone. All right. Deaf - don't make fun of my hearing. Tell you something about the bar, you'll love it. Five-Tone Bar and Grill. At least I know there's one thing that'll never ch... I don't know how to tell you this... Couple of brokers stopped in one night. Now we're a local bar that the locals can't afford. I've read about these people in Newsweek. Where's all the regulars? Where's Crazy Geoff Carver? Gone. Where's Ed Crinkle's autograph? Gone, Eddie. Tommy, you took down Captain Bob's steering wheel? Eddie, Eddie, they're all gone. But look at the bright side - half this joint is yours. Hey, Blackjack! Give my irritable partner a cappuccino. I've gotta go be a boss. BROKER: Scotch and water. Brandied goat cheese pizza! Yo! Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. FUNK MUSIC PLAYS PISTOL SHOT Cute shot, Antony. Cesar Mario, Antony Mario. I didn't know the circus was in town. Why won't you do the auction house? Cesar, I don't like committing crimes within 24 hours of getting out of the joint. It's very simple. There's a safe on the seventh floor. Put their thingy in this. Directions even your brother could understand. Yeah, directions even I could understand. Yeah, directions even I could understand. Shut up. Yeah, directions even I could understand. Hawk, you're the best. You're the only one that can do this job. Don't tell me horseshit, you want to go straight and sell hardware. Cesar, if the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt." Sit! Sit. Have you lovely ladies tried our house wine? Beat it, Tommy. (Mumbles through spaghetti) GLASS SHATTERS Enough! You don't do that auction house job, I'm going to put you on trial. And I promise you, my friend, there will be no bailiff - understand? Get him out of here. 'Witchcraft'. Three minutes, 57 seconds. 'Night and Day'. Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald? Sinatra! Five minutes, 12 seconds. 'Hit the Road, Jack'. Tommy, where are my needle-nosed pliers? Check the bar. 'Hit the Road, Jack'? Five minutes, 15 seconds. How the hell could you take this down? Captain Bob's steering wheel? Can't you remember the night nobody knew where he got this thing? Eddie, Eddie. Yes? Quiet. Come here. We've got a nasty little safe on the seventh floor. Simpson? Yeah. What's the mechanism? 71. Last time I worked, Simpson had only made a 40. It'll take you 31 seconds more. I'm not worried about the safe. I know. Do we know these guards? No. Not one? No. What about the video surveillance? I have a plan. Oh, you've got a plan. (Laughs) A great plan, great! What the hell am I doing? Huh? What the hell am I doing? Getting ready to do some crime? Go rob some horse with you? Eddie. I should be out there, trying to get a job. We're moving too fast, Eddie. I'm putting out a fire with kerosene. What is that? Five seconds. My record's 18. (Chuckles). Is this funny? You think this is some kind of joke? LAMP SHATTERS (Takes a deep breath) How many seconds? How many 'what' seconds? On the thumbcuffs. Not counting the bitching and whining, I'll be nice and say eight. They're not going to let you walk away from this job. I ain't gonna get rehabilitated this way, Tommy. You think you've still got it? Yeah - that's what I'm afraid of. 'Mack the Knife'. Four minutes and 17 seconds. 'I Only Have Eyes for You'. I didn't know you cared. Three minutes, 22 seconds. 'Xanadu'. 'Xanadu'? Uh-huh, 'Xanadu'. Four minutes, 19 seconds. 'Star-Spangled Banner' - Whitney Houston, Super Bowl XVII. Good afternoon. Hi. Seven minutes, 17 seconds. You're full of shit! Just one question. What? How come I'm not getting laid? You're bumming my high. Come on, it's show time! Tommy, hold on a minute! This sign says, "No horseplay in the pool area". (Laughs) This isn't horseplay, this is a major felony. (Chuckles) METAL CLANGS Wow! (Laughs) Not bad! (Gasps) Oh. Come on, Grandpa. (Groans) (Gasps with exertion) Hey, Tommy. What? Give me one good reason why we're up here. I'll give you two - Antony and Cesar Mario. Would they really... Cut off our balls, if we don't do the job. Another question. What? Did you have dinner? Why? This rope only holds 900 pounds. (Screams) STOP FOOLING AROUND! I'M NOT FOOLING AROUND! You are! Pick me up! Pick me up! All right! All right! I wish you'd lay off pasta. (Gasps) Ohhhh! Whoa! What are you doing? What are you doing? Covering our tracks. We leave through the basement. Now we have no choice. INSTRUMENT HISSES AIR What? Better make the hole bigger. Don't worry, bonehead, I'm wearing my girdle. (Hums) (Cracks neck) CHAIR CREAKS GUARD: 673 Wongs in the phone book. Helluva lot of 'wong' numbers! Look up 'Chin'. That's it. You got a key? No. Just checking. They record everything the video surveillance takes in. Yes, master thief. I thought you mentioned a plan. Am I boring you, smart ass? Hey, Jerry, check out Big Stan. (Laughs) Watch this. RADIO CRACKLES YELLS OVER RT: BIG STAN! (Guards laugh) Now watch, it'll rewind and replay and the guards will be watching a re-run. They'll miss out on tonight's exciting episode. Figure this out by yourself? Yeah. Good player, Junior. We've got five minutes and change. 5:32 - 'Swinging on a Star'. They invented something while you were inside - the watch. Hey, Tommy. What? Shhhh! (Giggles) One...two...one...two...three. (Sings softly) # Would you like to swing on a star? # Carry moonbeams home in a jar? # And be better off than you are? # Or would you rather be a mule? # A mule is an animal with long funny ears # He kicks up at anything he hears CHOIR: # His back is scrawny and his brain is weak # He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak # By the way, if you hate to go to school # You may grow up to be a mule # Or would you like to swing on a star? # Carry moonbeams home in a jar? # They're all back on. # And be better off than you are? # Or would you rather be a fish? # A fish is an animal that swims in a brook # He can't write his name or read a book # To fool the people is his only thought # And though he's slippery he still gets caught # If that sort of life is what you wish # You may grow up to be a fish # Or would you like to swing on a star? # HIGH-PITCHED WHINE # Carry moonbeams home in a jar? # And be better off than you are? # Or would you rather be a pig? # A pig is an animal with dirt on its face # His shoes are a terrible disgrace # He's got no manners when he eats his food # He's fat and lazy and extremely rude # But if you don't care a feather or a fig # You may grow up to be a pig # And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo # Every day you see quite a few # So you see it's all up to you # You could be better than you are # You could be swinging on a star # Got the horse, Ed? I just got out of jail yesterday. Let's go, Hawk. Dean, I don't get it. I'm seeing that little blue chair in the auction room. All I wanted was a cappuccino. Snap out of it! You think that's strange, check out screen two. Hey, that's us. Somebody rewired the recorder! I hold you responsible, Tommy. Let's take it home! # You could be swinging on a star! # (Yells) Hey! Leave by the back way. Keep those ideas coming. Get up, you're embarrassing me. PISTOL SHOT Would you get going! Go! Go! Go! Easy with that. Come on - speed it. I'm coming. Come on! I'm so happy that we covered our tracks. Just one question. What? Am I as fat as that guard? No. You're a reed compared to that guard. PISTOL SHOT PISTOL SHOT Come on, Slim Jim. PISTOL SHOT (Screams) AAAARRRRGH! Hudson Hawk gets the chair of honour. Good job. Not pretty - but good. All this trouble for a horsey. I may not know art, but I know what I like. You certainly do. So... When's this Sebastian Cabot, Buckingham Palace-looking butler getting here? Any minute now, dear Mr Gates. Sorry, Jeeves. May I? Ahhh! Exquisite! Leonardo da Vinci's last commission for the Duke of Milan. Irreplaceable. Hey, Mr French, I'm due... (Groans) Aaagh. What? Ahhhh! Ahhh, yes! I stuck my neck out, setting this up for you limey bastards! Now where's my cut? Aaaaaggggh. (Laughs) Ugh! So much for his 'cut'! (Sniggers) Forgive my dry British humour. You know... I think Gates promised Hawk a cut too. (Sniggers) Lovely work, Alfred. Are you taking the Concorde back? Always, Mr Mario. I'm really racking up those 'frequent flyer' points. Yeah. Ta-ta...Hudson Hawk. 1 Yo. Hi, Tommy. Did I miss anything? (Chuckles) Gates tries to blackmail me. You say, "Did I miss anything?" Gates gets killed. You say, "Did I miss anything?" Bet you said to Mrs Lincoln at the Ford Theatre, "Did I miss anything?" EXPLOSION (Laughs) You should get this looked at. Jeez, Gates was killed? So who do we thank? The butler did it. A cross between Alistair Cooke and a Cuisinart. Took Mr Ed, Humpty Dumpty'd it over Gates's head. He said it was made by Leonardo... "Da Vinci's 'Sforza'. "I consider it to be the prize of tonight's auction "of objets d'equestriens. "Horse things." Alright, Mr PBS - you got me. Morning edition. It says, two thieves ATTEMPTED to steal it last night. But thanks to three brave guards, it's ready for tonight. 'Attempted'? I didn't want to steal it in the first place. But I do have my pride. I don't understand this. Why try? Forget about it. I'm tired of not understanding - cops, Mafia, butlers forcing me to steal something, which I didn't steal after all. It's all too goddamn peculiar, Tommy. Just one question. What? How expensive are tuxedos? AUCTIONEER: A fantastic example of Florentine bronze. Now, who will start at $140,000? $140,000. $160,000. 70...80...90,000? $200,000. 20... ..40. (Sings) # You could be swinging on a star. # $250,000. $250,000. $260,000. 70...80...90... $300,000. $310,000. (Whispers) Wow! (Hammers gavel) SOLD! You know, after all these years, I still get goose bumps coming to these auctions. The paintings, the sculptures... ..things that aren't really paintings or sculptures... The pretentious vultures never look up from their calculators to see what they're buying. Now, that gives me goose bumps. Auctions are disgusting. I can't agree more. Savages. Sold! (Bangs gavel) Now, lot 15. An equestrian piece attributed to the Trellini School. Now, who will start at $250,000? SINISTER MUSIC $280,000? Thank you, sir. $300,000? $320,000! $340,000? No more on $340,000? Going once...twice... (Bangs gavel) Sold! And finally, lot number 17. Thought to be lost in the war - and again last night! The da Vinci 'Sforza', the jewel of the sale. Fantastic! Is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite for getting a job in the art world? ..Dottoressa Anna Baragli of the Vatican. Doc! Some of us warthogs are more constipated than others. Hmm. (Whispers) Oh, shit. Perfection. The Vatican extends its jealousy to the lucky bidder. Thank you, Doctor. We'll begin the bidding at $20 million. Will you, sir? $20.5 million... Waldo! Oh, really! 100 million clams! ALL: Whoo! That's $100 million to Mr Darwin Mayflower. That's $100 million to Mr Darwin Mayflower. Yes! $100 million and one, Waldo! Fantastic! $100 million and one. Outbid by mine own wench! Quel bummer! Don't hate me, baby. (Dog yaps) Bunny. Bunny. Any other bid? Going once... Going once... SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Going twice... Gone! SCREAMING God! (Coughs) You didn't have to do that. It's nothing. Anybody would've done the same. I mean you didn't have to rip my dress. Oh. I'm just kidding. Thanks for saving me, tough guy. Why was that guard chasing you? Because danger, Doc, is my middle na... Ohh! SIREN WAILS (Grinds jaw) (Men laugh) Couldn't just play along, eh, Eddie?! (Laughs) Gotta admit, Eddie, it's a fancy way of covering our tracks. That auctioneer ought to land at La Guardia any minute now! Subtlety isn't one of our strong points. AHH! Antony! Antony! AHH! Ooh! CARS HONK HORNS Eww! Menthol. Hey! Hold on! CAR SWERVES BY CAR SWERVES BY This is a brand new tuxedo! CAR HONKS HORN CAR HONKS HORN Hey, mister! Are you gonna die? Are you gonna die? SOUND OF CLOTH TEARING Whoa! (Screams) Happy sailing, Hawk! HORNS HONK HORNS HONK Oh, no! "How am I driving? 1-800..." I'm gonna die! Toll booth?! "Exact change"?! COINS CLATTER INTO RECEPTACLE (Laughs) Make a road kill! Up yours, Cesar! Yeah. Run him down! (Screams) (Screams) Cesar! Antony! EXPLOSION Are you OK? TROLLEY SLOWS DOWN SQUEAKILY Ooh! Arggh! What's the matter with you? Name's Snickers. The plane leaves in 40. Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. It's better than when we first started out. Our code names were diseases. Know what it's like being called Chlamydia? Whoops! Forgot. SOUND OF JACKET TEARING Uhh! My name's Butterfinger. No shit. SOUND OF BONES GRINDING Like the company's new look? I call them the MTV-IA. George, you promised. No old CIA/new CIA jokes. Punks. They think the Bay of Pigs is a herbal tea and the Cold War involved penguins. Don't I know you? The last time you saw me I was bald with a beard, and I had a different nose. If you don't recognise me, I won't be offended. My high school science teacher? (Chuckles) I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation and sent you to prison for it. George Kaplan. (Chuckles) Heh-heh. I'm not the type to hold grudges. Nah. I used you as a diversion. Down deep, I was jealous. You were one hell of a thief. To what do I owe the honour of this reunion, Georgie? I want to make it up to you. So I got you this gig. In the words of Karen Carpenter, "We've only just begun." Three minutes, four seconds. But you're a little late. Maybe nobody told you - I quit stealing. My employer wants a meeting. Your employer? The President? No. Somebody powerful. Good God, what's that?! Now, George, you don't expect me to fall for that old gag. Shucks. I guess not. (Groans) Now? Yes. Now. (OPERA MUSIC PLAYS TINNILY) I want the blue one! I want the blue one. So looking for a car? Who for? For me. My daughter. Lovely colour, isn't it? Give ya a bit of a rundown on this car. Is it your first car? You're the boss? Or is Dad the boss? Me. This car, as you can see, you got the airbag at the front. Yup. But this car doesn't have airbags on the side, um, of the... It's got a 1-star safety rating. Very low protection in a head-on crash, so this engine's gonna come all the way up to meet you. Bang! Snap the neck like that. (WHIMPERS SOFTLY) And then you'll be` stop talking ` really quiet, and then no more chatterbox, like you were before. You'll be turned inside-out, basically, if you get hit in the side ` unrecognisable. And your daughter will be the same. WOMAN: Think we need to keep looking. (OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING TINNILY) 1 (Groans) (Grunts) No way. Welcome to Rome, sir. So, Hawk. The Hawkster. So, Hawk. The Hawkster. FAX BLEEPS What do you think of the vehicle? Why did you duck at the auction house, asshole? What can I tell you? I'm the villain. Initially, it was a priority to maintain buffers between you and me. Since they're dead now, I thought, "What the heck?" Hawkie, you come highly recommended. I hired Kaplan and the Mario brothers to find me a cat burglar. Hey, I want to be in business with you. (Minerva sings) # I've got the power # I've got the power... # SONG ON TAPE: # I've got the power # Power, power, power... # Ladies and gentlemen... AND MINERVA! Let's hear it for Hudson Hawk! (Sings) # I've got the power... # Minerva! (Switches off tape) Hello. Bunny! Ball-ball! (Bunny yelps) So, Hawkmeister, we've got you clothes, a great hotel, and 250,000 lira per diem. $200 a day so he can get a hooker and some tequila? Veto, Darwin! We know who wears the penis in this family. For God's sakes, somebody chain this convict! Listen, Hawkie, this may be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achieving of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones. But, now - finally - I got myself a new goal. World domination! (Bunny growls) Shut up! Uhhh... Bunny. Quit that. Bunny, ball-ball. I think Bunny's got the ball-balls. Bad Bunny! Bunny, you weren't that bad. Just two more minutes. I was so close. But seriously, folks, Concorde me back home. Put me in jail. I don't care. You go back to jail and you won't be alone. You'll have a guinea barkeep cellmate to keep you company. (Groans in pleasure) You're young enough to still enjoy shanking child molesters for a pack of smokes. (Laughs) But Tommy Five-Tone will go in knowing the next time he gets out will be to attend his own funeral. (Bites ear) Ooh! Depressing? Wouldn't waste a dime for the phone call. You have no proof. Aha! The magic word. It's veja du, Hawkie - something you wish never happened. Kaplan and his CIA candy bars shot the entire operation with hidden cameras. They put the fake horse in the safe while you ran from the guards. APPLAUSE Yikes! (Bunny barks) Damn Fotomat arseholes! Good shot of you, Minerva. My man, you're going to hit a church. We want you to steal da Vinci's sketchbook - the codex. The Vatican. Robbing the freaking Vatican?! The nuns at St Agnes predicted this. What do they call you guys - Igg and Ook? Ooh! Are you all right? Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Hey, pal. Buon giorno. Yeah, buon giorno. I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican by psychotic Americans and the CIA. Uh...I don't, uh... Heh, heh! That's OK, Colonel. Just watch all the art. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Cha-cha-cha! TOY SQUEAKS AMERICAN WOMAN: Courtney, stop it! You're embarrassing your country. ANNA: Though Leonardo's best known as a painter, it was his gift as an inventor... (Pauses) ..which drew together science and art. That is most...incredible. Tough guy! What are you doing here? Every time I see you, my heart starts beating really fast. The da Vinci codex has lived in the Vatican for centuries, and will continue to live here for centuries more. (Mutters) That's what YOU think. Question, sir? (Whispers) What time do you finish? His untiring pen predicted the airplane, submarine, bicycle, helicopter and even the tank. His more dangerous designs... CORKY: Pokey! CORKY: Pokey! ALARM RINGS HORN HOOTS Something wrong? Come with me! Pokey, come back! Is that smoke bad for you? This way. Where are we going? Through here. Gonna tell me why you did that, or are you gonna blame Dumbo? You mean Pokey? Can you believe that kooky little elephant? (Chuckles) What in the world is this? It's a postal subway. Can I get to Times Square from here? No. The Pope takes his mail seriously. Christmas cards, Easter stills... Delivers up to 10pm. I see. Well, actually, I don't see. How do you know all this stuff? What do you do? I do lots of things. But I don't steal little girls' stuffed elephants. My life's pretty boring. Yeah. Mine too. Want to have dinner with me tonight? Nice, dull, boring dinner... Scrabble, knock-knock jokes... ..anecdotes about dead Italians... I'll bring my entire repertoire. (Postal worker speaks Italian) Non, non, non, non. Signores... And I'll bring my entire entourage. There's a place around the corner - Enzo's. Say, 10:30? 10:30. Hey. Thanks. Father, it's obvious he's up to something. MAN'S VOICE: Report upstairs at once. Yes, sir. Did he mention the Mayflowers? No, Your Eminence. He's definitely going to steal the codex. I'm not sure when. Attempt to steal, you mean. The vanity of this Hudson Hawk! The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey. And... must you flirt with him so...effectively? That's the only way. As an agent of our organisation, you are put in awkward situations. Just remember - Hudson Hawk is an evil, evil man. (Operator speaks Italian) Operator, I'd like to make a collect call to a New York number. (Speaks Italian) What? Permesso... No, no! Don't put me... Oh, sh...! OPERATOR: Thank you for calling AT&T. What number, please? Thank God! (212) 555-1989. (Mumbles) Jeez. PHONE RINGS Pick up the phone, you great, big, cheese-eating bastard. PHONE RINGS Pick it up, pick it up! Pick it up, Tommy! (Minerva laughs) Pick up the black thing on the desk! PHONE KEEPS RINGING Come on, Tommy. Ooh! Want more, Jumbo? I'll kick your big, flabby ass! Hawk! (Chortles) Hawk! Hawk. Enjoying Italy? Yeah. Yes. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first barehanded strangulation here. Communist politician. Why, George, you big softie! God, I miss communism. The 'Red threat'. People were scared. (Sighs) The agency had some respect and I got laid every night. Brief him, Snickers. Good news, Hawk. Mayflowers have moved up the timetable. You're hitting the Vatican tonight. Oh, no. The timing's off, I'm underequipped, and I've got a date. "Grapple, biker's bottle, Pocket Fisherman, "olive oil, 100 stamps..." This is gonna be some date. No Harvey's Bristol Cream? Snickers, make that list happen. It's one thing to play hide-and-seek with the Mayflowers' pathetic staff, but we're sore losers. We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and Tommy would be nothing more than a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao. Hey! Old man! Yeah - you! You come back here without your little cub-scout army, and I'll kick your Central Intelligence ass up and down the piazza! "Beware the blue wire"? Mr Hawk, I got your stamps. (Dopey voice) Good, Yogi! * (Sprays can) (Guards converse in Italian) Kit Kat, how did you know about that blue wire? WALKIE-TALKIE STATIC CRACKLES (Guard talks into walkie-talkie) (Speaks in alarmed tone) (Shouts) (Mutters worriedly) Quale...? (Hawk whistles) ALARM RINGS, CAGE MOTOR ACTIVATES Ahhh! (Shouts agitatedly) ALARM CONTINUES RINGING Eee-yo! GUNSHOTS Oh! Whoa, whoa! TV: Wilbur! (Speaks in Italian) Ahh! Ohh... Yee-oww! GUNSHOT Oh! Oh! METAL MAKES SPRINGING NOISE Whoa! CHICKENS SQUAWK CHICKENS SQUAWK Whoa! I was afraid you wouldn't drop by. Am I late? (Coughs) You look very nice, you really do. What? I am the waiter, sir. Oh. Very nice. Fettucine con funghi porcini, prego. Si, signore. And bring ketchup with that. You heard him. Ketchup! Ketchup su le tagliatelli! (Curses in Italian) Come on, Pierre. Read my lips. Steak burger. French fries. It's France. You must have French fries. "Actually it's Italy, Butterfinger," she said, as if it made a difference. Ah, to be in Paree and in love! Grazie. Molto bene. They had the worst ketchup in prison. Prison? I was a warden. How long were you in? Let's just say I never saw 'ET'. Wow! You were in the joint? Doing hard time? It's funny, but that excites me. I have a thing for sinners. I have a thing for sinning. Check, please! Where did you get the hawk? In New York. Where did you get the name Hudson Hawk? Well... 'Hawk' is a slang word for the cold wind that blows in winter. I grew up in a town called Hoboken, New Jersey, which is on the Hudson River. So, Hudson River... Hudson Hawk. And where did you get these? Ow! I had a little accident around the house. What happened? I fell on some chickens. Does it hurt? Yes, they hurt. Maybe I can make them feel better. Well...OK. See what you can do. No, don't tickle me! Don't do it! I've got to tell you something. What? Well, I'd better whisper it to you. Come here. I can't do this. No, don't... What's the matter? It's been a long time for me. It's been a REALLY long time for me. This has been a very slow decade. If I don't make love every 10 years I get a little cranky. I'm not sure I remember how to kiss girls. Not that I ever kiss guys. BUZZER BUZZER MAN'S VOICE: Attenzione! (Speaks Italian) Catholic girls are scary. Somebody robbed the Vatican. Really? This is not what you think. Well, maybe it is. You did it! You really did it! In less than one day of planning you did it! You've stolen the 'Sforza' and swiped the codex. What are your weekend plans - hoisting the Colosseum? You don't... Tell me. Did the devil make you do it, or Darwin and Minerva Mayflower? Can't we go back to the kissing? What's going on in there? Want me to rape him? Here, just read your book, Butterfinger. "Not in a boat, not on a train, not with a goat, not in the rain." To yourself. To yourself! It's more complicated than that, Hudson. For two years I've tracked the Mayflowers' peculiar interest in the three da Vinci pieces. The 'Sforza' statue was a fake but I couldn't denounce it. Does the whole world know more than me? You didn't know? No. I'm just good at swiping stuff. Who knew that would lead to this? They've even got the CIA involved now. Here's looking at you, kid. Hey, this doesn't taste like cappuccino. I guess there's too much ethyl chloride in it. Why didn't you tell me Hawk had hit the Vatican tonight? My people won't be happy. I want to see Kaplan. Damn the meddlesome Vatican organisation! Hey, way to go, Anna! Hudson Hawk had some interesting things to say about you and the Mayflowers - basically that you're all part of the same car pool. If that was so, Almond Joy would have handed you your heart right after you handed her the codex. Now the trip is this. When the Mayflowers find out we have the codex, they'll want to deal. We deal, they'll buy, we bust. A classic sting. What happens to Hudson Hawk? Don't worry too much about him. He'll be in very good hands. But you, you look really tired, kiddo. Go back to Rome and get some sleep. Kit Kat! Oh, there you are. See that Miss Baragli gets home safely. Arrivederci, baby. That's a great dress but why didn't you let me cut her heart out? Close call, close call. She's the only one we have keeping tabs on the damn mysterious Vatican organisation. DOG GROWLS Bunny Mayflower! Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's 1,200 hours since my last confession. Hit me with your best shot. I betrayed a man. A good man. An innocent man. A thief. Anna, what are you trying to say? Father, we've been double-crossed by the CIA. Hudson Hawk's not who we thought he was. He came here, where crime's a legitimate business tactic and a legitimate government procedure. But he knew right from wrong. Oh, then we kind of messed around. (Speaks Italian) Messed around! Messed around! 17 Hail Marys and five minutes outside. So, Sister, what you are saying is that Hudson Hawk is not willingly working for the Mayflowers, but Kaplan and the candy bars are. I thought we were using the CIA to get to Mayflower, but the CIA's using me to keep us away. The Pope warned me never to trust the CIA! If the Mayflowers get all three crystals for the gold machine the world economy will be ruined. Aie, aie, aie! Lord help us. But, what of Tommy Five-Tone, Hawk's friend? Where's his loyalty? I'm going to find out. Remember, Sister, you have your vows to God as well as your worldly mission. Yes, Your Eminence. Just say God go with me. God go with you, sister. Ball! Ball! Jolly good shot, sir. Oh, Hudson Hawk. Oh, Hudson Hawk. You cease to amaze me. You are a terrible cat-burglar. Haven't you ever seen David Niven? Tiptoe in, tiptoe out. Like a cat, one would say. I could take it back. (Laughs) Let me do that. I don't care. Oh, you two! There's nothing I hate more than failure. You only had to follow Hawk. I didn't say teach our nation's children how to read. I suppose we'll have to kill them. God, Minerva! I was just joking! (Both laugh hysterically) Get away from there, convict! Just browsing. Careful! We need him for the final job. Oh, really? Don't hurt him? Even if he does this? What about this? Surely...this must offend? Whoo! Things are really heating up at the Castle Vinci tonight. Mamma mia, pizzeria! May I call you Minnie? You put your left foot in, left foot out... Actually, there is a part of your body you won't be needing. Always wanted to sing like Frankie Valli. Big boys don't cry-aye-aye. Three minutes, 27 seconds. (Laughs) Look, you Eddie Munster-looking motherfucker. Tell me what's going on or I ain't moving. Treat me like an adult. That's fair. Now go to your room! What? * So, Captain Hawk. In one paw you've got a gold bar worth about $8,000. In the autre, you've got lead that won't buy gelato. Surely a master thief like you knows the difference? That's one down, Kitty Carlisle. Cool, isn't it? Weight, feel, malleability, they're all but identical. On the periodic chart of elements they're but one proton apart. Great minds worked for centuries to turn worthless into priceless. Alchemy? Alchemy is the business term of the '90s. Minerva read about it in an airline magazine. I dumped some lire into research and...shazam! We found a diary by one of da Vinci's assistants detailing "la macchina d'oro". "The gold machine" for those at home. The rest is about to become history. Money isn't everything. Gold is. Fuck blue-chip stocks. Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal. Money will always be paper. But gold will always be gold. After a couple of years of steady production we'll flood the market with so much gold that gold itself will lose its meaning. Brokers, economists, fellow entrepreneurs will drown in the saliva of their own nervous breakdowns. Sounds like a party. Markets will crash-crash. Financial empires will crumble-crumble. Except yours-yours. In 1992, baby, the European superpowers are coming together to form one business superpower. That's one party we're going to love to poop. The last ingredient in the recipe is da Vinci's model of a helicopter. On display for three days only at the Louvre, in Paris. As opposed to the Wisconsin Louvre? Don't make me lose my place. You'll go in at night. Security will be overwhelming. 12 guards... Ho, ho! Time out! I choose not to accept the assignment, Mr Phelps. Put me in jail... Jail, you asshole! Our foot soldiers will blow your brains out. Bunny, ball-ball. I'll torture you so slowly you'll think it's a career. I'll kill your friends, your family, and your prom date. Patty-Jo Biarsky? I'll get you her address. You have a dilemma, tiger. I know what'll help you solve it. What are you doing? I'll kill you all! I'll kill that butler, I'll kill that little yappy dog. I'm sick of this. I hated cigarettes until I saw my first 'No Smoking' sign. 'Keep off the grass'? Let's play soccer. The only law I cared for was friendship. I broke that one too, didn't I? I don't think it's such a smoking hot idea to leave them alone. That's why we hired the pasta slurper - to keep Hawk in line. This Gates, Mario brothers, CIA, Mayflower, da Vinci thing, I mean, it seemed like... a sweet deal. Visit foreign lands, take their treasures. I thought you'd get into it. It beats playing darts at the bar. But I didn't expect this. Them using me to use you. I'm sorry, Eddie. There's only one way out of this. It's going to hurt me more than it'll hurt you. They'll talk about being buddies and chugging beers. You've got to love male bonding. GUNSHOT (Both shout) (Both scream) My freedom for a lousy job? Come on! (People scream) You know something, Eddie? You hit like a girl! Oh, really? I was only kidding. GUNSHOT Tommy, no! Tommy! Tommy! SIRENS WAIL (Speak Italian) Plan 'B', George. Plan 'B'. SIREN WAILS VEHICLE APPROACHES I just made the biggest mistake of my life. Don't act like you never committed a crime. So I made a bad call. Thank God you're OK. It was beautiful. When those blanks went off, everybody freaked! Ketchup. You can't beat Heinz 57. Five-tone, you fucked my freedom for a lousy job? Hudson, you don't understand! Be glad I don't hit women. Assuming you are one. I'm taking nothing for granted. Hudson, I'm sorry. Eddie, I'm sorry. Anna made me realise what a stupid pawn I was. I care for you. I love you. Oh. What's this? Where's that from? The da Vinci castle. Where you gave the bad guys the codex. That's for the gold machine. Yeah. So they almost made it work. But now they've lost this cat-burglar and his partner... They won't get the third piece of crystal. And we get to go home. Let me ask you something. What? Why did they leave all these rocks lying here? They're called ruins, Eddie. Ruins, huh? Yeah, ruins. Good name. LAUGHTER His face when we caught him was like... (Makes whining sound) I never saw a look like this. I swear, he was so embarrassed. Speaking of being caught. Won't the CIA think to check out this place? They fell for the fake death. They think...Hawk's been arrested. Kaplan and the candy bars were seen leaving Rome. Hudson! Where to? Five-Tone, quit worrying about it, man. I'm not worried. I'm being cautious. OK, guys. On that note, it's time for bed. I couldn't agree more. OK. Tommy, you're going to sleep here. Where will you sleep? What do you think? Oh, yeah. Goodnight. I'll get you some sheets. Yeah, we'll get you some sheets. It's a very special night. Yes, it was. Is. Was. There's some things you don't know about me. I know some things about you and about me. And about that bed. This is not the time, Hudson. Look, can't we just have a late-night cappuccino? Sorry, but the machine's just set up for poisonous foam. Oh, yeah. I remember. Goodnight. Goodnight. (Tommy laughs) Don't even think about it. Don't say another word. (Sings) # It's a very special night... # Very funny! Very funny, Tommy. Ow! SNORING Yeeow! Good morning. The police van licence plates had the Vatican prefix. I'm losing respect for you guys. You nearly got away with this crap. (Groans) Now, where's Anna? George, next time you drop by you might want to phone ahead. Come back later. We'll grab ourselves a shower and breakfast. I wish I could come up with this glib repartee like you can. I can't, so I'll just paralyse you. AJ. When it comes to instantaneous loss of all physical control I highly recommend curare darts. I can't move! I'm gonna rip their tongues out! Come here, you chicken-shit son of a bitch! Come here! My head against your heads! Fair fight. This is how I go out? Like frozen playdough? Like a Gumby? Oh, keep laughing, Jumbo. It came out of my nose! This is no way to get me to rob the Louvre. The Louvre? The Louvre, Hawk, is yesterday's news. Or should I say, this morning's? Admittedly we displayed a lack of nuance. We didn't sing 'Swinging on a Star'. We weren't being judged for neatness. Only results. Dammit! Yanks lose again. How about the Mets? Can you turn to section 'B'? You may be the fairest cat-burglars but if you weren't such snobs, those guards at the Louvre might still be alive. But that's irrelevant now. Oh! You're irrelevant now. Because tonight, at the Castle da Vinci, we make gold! Rise and shine, sleepyheads! More babes for the party. BOTH: Hi, Anna. Don't be stupid, Mr Kaplan. Give me the crystal. Anna Baragli! Came to play! Anna Banana Fofanna, you're not gonna shoot little old me, are you? You're not gonna shoot little old anybody. Pull the trigger. Shoot. I read your dossier...Sister. Pull the trigger. (Gasps) Why did she call you 'sister'? I'm sorry, I meant to tell you... SNICKERS: He didn't know! He didn't know! Know what? She's a nun! (Makes crying noise) Those better be tears you're crying, Tommy. They are. It doesn't mean I don't love you. You love me. It's your job! You probably love Butterfinger over there. Ooh, yeah. In a weird Catholic way I do. But you... You... Miss Baragli's da Vinci expertise allows her to proceed to the next course. As for you guys... BUTTERFINGER: Sorry, guys. (Anna groans) A souvenir. Ciao. Later, guys. Easy for you to say. (Chuckles) There's good news and bad news. You'll be completely unparalysed in about two minutes. The bad news is that that leaves only five seconds to defuse the bombs. BOTH: Bombs? Ha ha! BOMB TICKS I'm so glad it's like this. I'll just shoot one in the kitchen too. Almond Joy, blow paralysis! You can move? Yeah. (Grunts) This is what I get for darting a nun. Get this fuckin' thing off my head! Look at Snickers. He's about to have a migraine. Maybe it was a dud. (Both scream) Domino's is now extra great value, because now you can upgrade to an extra large and get 50% more pizza for just $3 more! Try it on our Cheaper Everyday $5 Value Range and make your money go further at Domino's. * I don't know. It's probably the curare. It's been known to have certain side effects. Oh! Really, George? I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. Listen, Anna. The apprentice's diary contains a code that explains how the three pieces of crystal fit together. If you do us the honour and decipher how the code works we would be eternally grateful. What does the colour blue taste like? Bobo knows. (Laughs insanely) I must speak with the dolphins now. (Makes dolphin noise) (Bunny whimpers) Just shoot her. Anybody? (Makes dolphin noise) Darwin, this is supposed to be torture, not therapy! TOMMY: The old man said turn left... HUDSON: Is that right? To save Anna we must find the castle first. Quit pushing. I'm not pushing. Whoosh. Count of three. Why not go NOW? OK. Hey, Tommy. What? Think you're Bob Hope? Why's that? That golf bag. I've got a plan. Is it great? A great big plan. (Guards talk in Italian) (Whistles) Let me ask you something. Go ahead. How do I look? You look great. Are you kidding? No. Tell me. I've been away a long time. We're hanging off a castle in Italy and you're asking me how you look! OK, OK... You look gorgeous. You look like fucking Zorro. KAPLAN: Hey! Hey! Oh, a lifetime of service and it's come to this. The dolphin is dead. The dolphin... Come on, you bitch! I'm not a good damsel in a dress, am I? (Deep voice) Pay the rent! (Squeaky voice) I can't. (Makes dolphin noise) Yo, Flipper. A damsel in distress implies that there's some well-hung Dudley Do-right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen. Hudson Hawk go boom boom. He dead. I'm thinking of using the seven iron. It looks long, junior. Six iron? Bingo! Thank you. FORE!! "Four!"? Did anybody hear something? LOUD EXPLOSION Can you fucking believe it?! I heard something. You set the timer on that thing? No. From now on, please set the timer. GEORGE: Come on, Butterfinger. Kit Kat, you guard the Mayflowers with your life. Kit Kat, will you really guard us with your life? Kit Kat!! (Kit Kat groans) ALFRED: A double crossbow for a double-cross. Oh, Alfie, you dry British madman. DARWIN: Catch you later, baby. Why did you do that? Try this one, Sister. Thou shalt not share. LOUD EXPLOSION HUDSON: It's in the hole! The gallery's ecstatic. He must be happy with that one. 2� minutes to save Anna. 3� minutes to save the world. 6:00. 'Side by Side'? (Sings) # Da da da... (Both sing) # Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money # We may be ragged and funny # But we'll travel along Singing a song # Side by side... # (Both laugh crazily) GEORGE: Let's go this way. We'd better go THIS way. EXPLOSION OK...this way! Eddie, Eddie, we'd better split up. I'll take the front nine. You, the back. Meet at the clubhouse. Tommy. Yeah? Looking good, man. Thanks. GUARD: Hey! Hi. How are you doing? (Guards shout) Three...two...one... (Guards scream) Go in and brief the Mayflowers on the current situation. You got it, coach. (Sings) # Through all kinds of weather # What if the sky should fall? # Just as long as we're together # It doesn't matter at all # When they've all had their quarrels and parted # We'll be the same as we started # Just sailing along Singing a song # Side by... # ALFRED: Side. I'll take that, sir. Hey, coach. It looks bad. Those Mayflowers set us up. Jumbo, we hardly knew you. (Groans) (Shouts ninja battle cries) Since you won't tell us what we want, it's time for you to report to head office in heaven, Sis. If you see the big guy, tell him he's a loser. That's it! Ow!! (Groans) That didn't hurt. No? Try this. (Chuckles) What do you say now, you centrally intelligent scumsicle? Getting old, George? Tommy, you New-York-Italian-father made-$20-a-week son of a bitch! You were hired as bait. On this simple task you have betrayed me. Do you have an answer why? I've got five answers. One! Two! Three! Four! Just one more! (Screams) GLASS SHATTERS (Alfred splutters) TYRES SQUEAL That didn't...hurt. No. Hey. No... How do I stop this? Ahh! My hat. Ahh! Ohh... (Tommy gasps) I guess you never fucked with nobody from Hoboken before! Hudson! Anna! We're supposed to be saving YOU. Sorry. I got bored so I saved myself. We've got to get those crystals. Got 'em here, cowboy. "Got 'em here, cowboy." TOMMY: EDDIE! Sounds like Tommy. TOMMY! Alfred, I won't be needing the car any more. Hey! Ta-ta. DOORS LOCK SHUT TOMMY! EDDIE! EDDIE!! My pension!! DARWIN: Friend of yours? DEAD!! (Laughs) Hudson, look... ..out. VOICEOVER: Domino's is the official pizza of summer, and now with our new Garlic Bread Crust, it's even tastier. Oozing with garlic and herb butter, it's delicious to the last bite. Add it for just $3.99 extra at Domino's. 1 MUFFLED TALKING STEAM HISSES HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE Minerva! Anna, Hawkmeister, you're probably wondering why you're still alive. We're still having a little problem putting this damn crystal together. Alfie and I have been at it all night. Well? What are you waiting for? (Clicks fingers) Don't do it, Hudson. Relax. Besides... ..we don't have much choice, do we? (Gasps ecstatically) Oh, Hawk, don't ever change. Nice Hawk. Nice Hawk. Bad Hawk!! (Laughs insanely) (Kicks worker and laughs) Oh, why is the world jam-packed with such idiots? Every shmo has the fantasy that the planet revolves around them. It rains. A car crash stops traffic. You say, "How can this happen to me?" But for us, this isn't a fantasy. It's a reality. Oh, yes! If da Vinci was alive today he'd be eating microwave sushi naked in a Cadillac with the both of us! The project of his life is now the toy of mine. History, tradition, culture... ..are not concepts. These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we'll cause the world with this machine will be our final masterpiece! Go, team, go!! Go, team, go! Go, team, go! Yes! Ah! MACHINE SQUEAKS INTO ACTION (Grunts repeatedly) Now! Eureka, motherfuckers!! You should feel real good about yourself! Let me ask you something. What? What if I didn't put that crystal together right? What do you mean? Well, let's just say, for example, I left out this piece of mirror. Would that be bad? REAL bad. Good. Whoa!! (Screams) (Screams) Minerva! Minerva! Alfred! (Squeals) How! Your turn. My turn? But I just killed Darwin and Minerva! Definitely your turn. (Under breath) Shit! Alright, stay over here and stay out of the way. Hudson! What? OK... PING! (Yells) Hey! Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not kill! Sorry. GUNSHOT (Yells) Stop helping me! (Gasps) Ready, Alfred? You won't be attending that hat convention in July. Ah! (Growls viciously) My turn? Yeah. (Growls) (Squeals) (Screams) What's with this dog now? (Squeals) Oh, Bunny! (Growls inquisitively) Bobo. (Growls aggressively) (Whines) Come on, puppy chow. Got to go. Gotta go. (Squeals) TRIUMPHANT MUSIC (Screams) Uncover my eyes! Cover them! Ahhh!! (Both laugh) Hang on! (All speak excitedly in Italian) (Anna squeals) Ah, Leonardo! Oops... (Squeals with pleasure) Please, please. (Grunts and groans) Whooh! (Laughs) Oh, baby! (Children cheer) Hi, kids. Oh. (Laughs) Anna. Yes, Hudson? Can I ask you something? Sure. Will you play Nintendo with me? I can't think of anybody I'd rather play Nintendo with. Wait a minute. What about your boss? What boss? You know. He wants me to keep an eye on you. I think he wants you to do that too 'cause I've got criminal tendencies. Can I buy you a cappuccino? Yes. Can I give you a kiss? Yes. (Sighs) I just wish Tommy were here. No way! That's not very nice. No way!! Yes, way! (Speaks Italian) (Laughs insanely) Did I miss anything? You're supposed to be crashed-up at the bottom of the hill! Air bags! Can you fucking believe it?! You should be fiery chunks of flesh. Sprinkler system set up in the back. Can you fucking believe it?! Yeah. That's probably what happened. Drink your cappuccino. Hey, drink your coffee. NARRATOR: With the world saved and the secret of da Vinci protected, Eddie finally got his coffee. SONG: # Would you like to swing on a star? # Carry moonbeams home in a jar? # And be better off than you are? # Or would you rather be a fish? # A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook # He can't write his name or read a book # To fool the people is his only thought # And though he's slippery he still gets caught # But if that sort of life is what you wish # You may grow up to be a fish. # Subtitles Copyright 1993 Australian Caption Centre www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015