SONG: # Gloriana. # Hallelujah. # Gloriana. # Hallelujah. # Gloriana, hallelujah. # Hallelujah! # www.able.co.nz Able 2019. (BRIGHT MUSIC) SPEAKER: Order! Order! In the matter of Lajos Kossuth of Hungary, who is this tormentor of the Austrian monarchy, this exile now seeking asylum in Britain? Mr Speaker, Kossuth is seen here as a hero of the common people. A cat set amongst the fluttering pigeons of the royal families of Europe. -(MEN SHOUT) -SPEAKER: Order! Herr Kossuth, I'm the Foreign Secretary of Great Britain, and you are most welcome, friend. PALMERSTON: Alas, these pigeons, they fear the conversation. They are all a commotion. Some of them have even fled their nests. We seem to be managing alright without them! And...engage! -(MEN GRUNT) -Hiyah! MAN: En garde, mademoiselle! No mercy, Princess! I know it's the Peninsular War, but... ..I'm unclear which battle. Fuentes de Onoro. Bertie is the Duke of Wellington. Naturally. As well as the physical exercise, you see, there's also a dramatic representation of military conquest. So his historical knowledge is expanded. VICKY: Vive Napoleon! I wish there were a part for me. -Joust! -Ohh! Oh, bravo! Bravo! Well played, sir. FRANCATELLI: One, two, three and up! Your Majesty. Well fought, sir. Well played. Kossuth was received. Rapturously. Palmerston addressed him as 'friend'. Palmerston is a blackguard and he must be disciplined. A simpler task were I not a hundred miles from Parliament. We should demonstrate solidarity with our royal counterparts, not offer sanctuary to those who seek to annihilate us. Perhaps I shall write to the Emperor and explain the decision to admit him was not yours. It wasn't. Because I wasn't there. -BERTIE: I didn't cheat. -VICKY: Yes, you did. -You did! Take that! -Ow! -Bertie! -VICKY: That hurt. Be gracious in victory. (SOBS) God's bloody trousers! I did not enter royal service to go traipsing around a garden clattering a drum! Give it up, then. Like this. LADY EMMA: I fear the Queen will be very wounded by Lord Palmerston's remarks. The man's a scoundrel. Incorrigible. I wonder how long we shall remain here. Your Serene Highness must long for the comforts of home. FEODORA: My only home, for now, is with my sister. And if she chooses to live on an island, so be it. Though I do wish my bedroom had a view of the sea. My room looks onto the sea. Shall we exchange? FEODORA: How kind you are. But surely you shall be returning home soon? Your husband must be pining for you. Do you know what that man has done? He sent our son away to boarding school. The child is six. It is better that I am here. Bertie answers nothing. Nothing! How am I supposed to teach a boy that... Oh, but your concern is a report of your spy in London. Oh, crowds cheering Palmerston, no doubt. Albert, this is not from London, it's from Francatelli. The cook. He's resigned! ALBERT: Then he shall be replaced. Victoria, really, this is such a trivial domestic matter. Drina, if you will permit, when we return to London... Did you know anything about this, Skerrett? No, ma'am. I didn't believe you really would. Well, Mrs Francatelli, I did. -Did the world end? -More or less. They've been at each other's throats for weeks. Your turn, my honey. Do it. The natural ebb and flow of the staff, Victoria, is something you must not allow yourself to... Must? Must? It is not what matters. Here, what matters is the children. Here they can be occupied. You know, it is what corrupts the aristocracy, to have no occupation. If our children are going to be of value, it is their duty to be the best, our duty to make them so. I designed this house to be a place where our children can become superb. Palmerston has invited Kossuth to dine with him in his London club. Albert, this is an insubordination I cannot ignore. He's lied through his teeth about the Chartists and now he swaggers about, openly calling me a coward. Albert, I must return to London. No. No, Victoria. Then London must come to me. (MEN CLAMOUR) Without your train, Henry. If that's possible. Gentlemen, the Prime Minister and I have some private business. Thank you. BERTIE: Can we explore the cave, Papa? -Lead on! -VICKY: Papa, look! Well, we must make the most of what the Prince calls 'the amenities'. However unamenable they might seem. You'll be alright, Your Majesty. Do you suppose it's possible, actually, to breathe under the water? I really don't know, ma'am. Fish do it. Hmm. (GASPS) Your Majesty! -(SHRIEKS) -Your Majesty! -Sir! -(BOTH GRUNT) Drina! Well, I think we have established the Queen of England is not a fish. (LAUGHS) We came at once, as the situation is clearly urgent. How may we be of assistance to Your Majesty? This room is very... ..cosy. I designed it myself. Yes, I can see that. Lord John, concerning this Kossuth, it is paramount we do not antagonise the Austrian monarchy. I am addressing my Prime Minister. Kossuth's reception into Britain makes my country look duplicitous and weak. With respect, ma'am... There is no respect in what you have to say, Lord Palmerston. Saying "with respect" does not put it there. I understand a member of your cabinet has invited Kossuth to dine with him. -Is that correct? -May... May I speak? If there is time in your busy schedule of dinners with regicidal anarchists. Lajos Kossuth is not a regicide and he's not an anarchist. He's beheld his people being taxed to death by a rapacious tyrant. As my minister of state, you will undertake to do three things. One - you will retract your invitation to dine with Kossuth. Two - you will see him off the premises of my country. Three - you will write to the crowned heads of Europe assuring them of my government's allegiance. Is there anything on that list you do not understand? Your Majesty is pellucidly clear. ALBERT: Please forgive me for being so bold, but am I right in assuming you share my opinion of Palmerston? That the man is a preening buffoon? I'd sooner he were lolling in my cabinet, causing irritation, than ranked on the opposite bench, whipping up the mob against me. ALBERT: Hmm. I trust you shall be staying for a day or two? You have travelled such a long way. RUSSELL: How kind. Thank you, sir. I'd... (CLEARS THROAT) I'd like to exchange rooms with Princess Feodora. She wishes for a view of the sea. Will you arrange it? Of course, Your Grace. Though, er, the sea's a fine thing to look upon. It makes no difference what I look upon if it isn't my little boy. I'm so sorry you're to be parted from him. It must... Forgive me, I... (CLEARS THROAT) (DISTANT BELL RINGS) The Prime Minister and the Foreign Secretary are here, Your Grace. Lord Palmerston has come? Joseph, isn't it? * ALBERT: Hmm. Nought multiplied by two. BERTIE: Two. ALBERT: No. Nought has no value. Try to imagine the 2 and the 0 on the page. BERTIE: 20. VICTORIA: Albert. Can it be true you've invited Pal...? This boy's refusal to learn is preposterous. He can hear you, you know. (PEOPLE CHATTER QUIETLY) Where's your husband, Duchess? The man to whom you are married. He's in London. PALMERSTON: Excellent. It is shocking that you find it excellent that my husband isn't here. Shocking. Excessively shocking. But also... excellent. Henry. How is Lady Palmerston? As ever. In charge, full of plans. It's kind of you to ask. -VICTORIA: Lord Palmerston. -Ma'am. -Will you make up our table? -Ma'am. Now that I have you within range, sir, I want to know ` why did you suppose that I would not be offended to hear myself dismissed... as a pigeon? I did not suppose it, ma'am. In truth, I didn't expect you to hear my analogy from such a distance. Whenever statesmen plead "in truth", I cannot help but doubt their word. I can assure you I wasn't pleading. I merely sought to engage the attention of the House. You were playing to the gallery. Something we all relish, ma'am. LORD ALFRED: I read in the newspaper, ma'am, the German states are now considered as safe. Thought it might be something that would be of particular interest to Her Serene Highness. That's wonderful news. Albert, we must make arrangements accordingly. (TEARFULLY) Drina, might I have your permission to withdraw? -(SOBS) -But I don't understand. Surely you long to be reunited with your family? In Langenburg, there's still such hatred. And I am, of course, a blood relative of a queen. Were I to return, my life... ..the lives of my children... ..they would be in great danger. My own husband tells me so. Is this your understanding? I cannot say, ma'am, but I do have informants in the city and I will interrogate them closely. Anything to assist a princess. This carpet is very mouvemente. Do you suppose the Prince designed it as well? It was considerate of you to offer to assist me. Thank you. Considerate is one word. My informers in Langenburg reported back to me just the other day. They said quite categorically that it's perfectly safe for you to return home when you wish, as you well know. -But I am the sister... -Your Serene Highness. The dissenters have no interest in you. You simply want to stay in England. What sort of trick do you play on me? What sort of trick do you play on her? (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) ALBERT: I know you do not care for my house. VICTORIA: I love your house. I love you. And the children you have blessed me with, but... (SIGHS) The troubles of my country do not simply vanish because I can no longer see them from my window. -What? -I did not speak. Yet as you intended, I heard. You radiate sullen disapproval. No, it's not disapproval, Victoria. I'm afraid. You demonstrated your authority to Palmerston. You told him what you wanted. He acquiesced. Whether or not he will actually carry out what you want... That man's trouble is he's in love with the people being in love with him. This is my fear. That it may also be true of you. That your heart craves adulation. "Craves adulation"? That's why you find it so hard to be here. Deprived of it. (INHALES) (FEODORA YELPS) Your Serene Highness! Good evening. Trivial misunderstanding. FEODORA: I think it's very clear what has happened here. * (PLAYFUL MUSIC) Whoo! (SINGS HAPPILY) # Went out to sea for you... # (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) -Mr Penge. -What's that in your wig, boy? (SAND PATTERS) Sand. (STIFLES LAUGHTER) See that? There is much, much less than that between you working here and you being out on your thick ear without a reference. (BLOWS) BERTIE: "Lo! We shall not... "..shield..." ALBERT: No, no. 'Yield', I think. Try again. We shall remain here till you master it. It looks like 'shield'. How can one letter look like two? -"We shall not shield"? -It's stupid. -You're stupid! -Bertie. Concentrate. Again. BERTIE: It's not fair. The letters won't stay still. They're all swimming. -(LAUGHS) -Uh-uh-uh-uh! That is not the behaviour of a future king. BERTIE: Why can't we do digging? Well, there is a time for spades and a time for books. Now...try again. "Lo! We shall not..." Lest we forget we're on an island. You're an aficionado of the decorative arts? I collect the decorative. It's my only vice. And secret. There are no secrets from God, Lord Palmerston. He registers our every misdeed. Makes us pay for them. I wonder what will be the price of mine. I really don't want to go back to Langenburg. To make sure I don't - that would be the wise thing. The Queen and her husband detest you. How that antipathy would...swell if they learned about last night. Don't sulk. It doesn't suit you. VICTORIA: Are we allowed to discuss our son without you losing your temper? Bertie has the perfect situation here in which to learn. Albert, you use that as a pretext to keep us here. I see. And do you use Kossuth as a pretext for us to leave? What I endeavour to achieve with Bertie is an investment in the future. We cannot mindlessly exist in the present. But is it mindless to consider the respect of my subjects a thing worth having? Does it actually matter whether the poor boy can or cannot conjugate his verbs if he might not have a throne to inherit? How dare you construe that as vanity! The throne, Victoria, is secure. Yes, but currently unoccupied. PALMERSTON: Ma'am. I sought your dismissal, you know. Lord John advised against it. Hmm! Now make your case about Kossuth. It is desirable... ..for the world to see that Britain is not afraid of him. So let him have his say. And when he has delighted us enough, let us send him on to somebody else. The sands will... ..close over the imprint of his visit, whereas Your Majesty will be rightly celebrated for her tolerance and willingness to let her subjects have their free debate. You are the only constitutional monarch in Europe. And your understanding of that is clear for all to see. It's no bad thing to keep the people on your side. Perplexing to hear you... style yourself my admirer. Not yours, ma'am. Britain's. In any one day... ..you are allowed precisely 20 minutes of liberty. I think we just made pretty good use of it. The rest of the time, she rings that bell, day or night... Mothering Sunday, I get the whole day off. ..you go running. If that bell had rung just now... ..you'd have upped and gone. Even then, wouldn't you? (SIGHS) My love... Now is the perfect moment. She's got a new child... But she knew what I was, what I'd done, and she waved it all away. She gave me a new life. It's me offering you a new life now. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Sophie Monmouth is out of bounds. Not to be used for the amorous complications you have in mind. I ask this in remembrance of our own complications. She cries out for something we both know you will never give her. It would be cruel, Henry. I withdraw my artillery. It is truly the most outstandingly vulgar building I've ever seen in my life. (CHUCKLES) It is incongruous. The want of congruity is the least of its sins. And what of your sins, my lord? What an alarming question. Alas, I cannot stay to ventilate the matter with you further. I have affairs of state. -Shall I see you later? -For what purpose, Duchess? For the purpose of consolidating our acquaintance. Our acquaintance is sufficiently consolidated, don't you think? Listen. All I can offer you is pleasure and distraction. And you may think that's what you need, but it isn't. What you need... ..I'm not at liberty to give you. I'm so sorry. Get out of the way! (SIGHS) (SOBS) Silly tears! (SIGHS) One must learn not to seek comfort where it cannot possibly be found. Oh, please say something! Your Grace, I... Listen. Can you hear the waves folding over on the beach? (WAVES CRASH IN THE DISTANCE) It frightens me a little, the sea. It makes me feel alive. (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT) VOICEOVER: Oh, he hasn't heard! Checked baggage is included to Aussie. Plus food and entertainment on your own device. As it should be. Book now at virginaustralia.com. * Victoria, the new Austrian emperor has dispatched ambassadors to every European country except ours. -Mine. -He finds us a liability. Leopold told me as much. Kossuth must be evicted. I have changed my mind. I have agreed that he should be honoured with a dinner... at which Palmerston should preside. Two of a kind. He's told you that your people will love you for this and you wrap his words around you like a... cloak. -Skerrett? -Oh, I do apologise, Your Majesty. Are you quite well? What's the matter? Tell me. Have you broken something? Come on, you know I shan't be angry. I desire to leave your service, ma'am. For the sake of my marriage. -Marriage? -To Mr Francatelli. I had no wish to keep it a secret from you, ma'am; I just... I just couldn't. It is time... for me to go. I'm so sorry. ALBERT: Mm. (CLEARS THROAT) In, um, what respect does 'une vache' translate as 'a hammer'? How would one milk a hammer? I don't bloody know! ALBERT: Right. Go to your room. I shall follow. -Please don't. -Please do not interfere. -Please don't bully my child. -Victoria, I've never bullied our child, and I never shall, but it must be made clear to the boy... It's perfectly clear how little you value his attempts to please you ` clear to us all. -Victoria, by God, you are being inappropriate. -If you find me inappropriate, Albert, remark on it privately or if you insist on drawing the matter to the attention of the court, address me with respect. If you were deserving of respect... ..Your Majesty... ..then I should. Really. One quite understands. The wine was not good. (CHUCKLES) May I speak frankly? Albert is a great man. But it is observed... ..that he constricts you. Observed by whom? Who says such a thing? People of little consequence. Silly, talkative women. My only desire is to serve you, Drina. But if I hear something detrimental to your authority, I must tell it. That is all I say. Now cut off my head. I know you find me disagreeable. Feo... How can you say such a thing? Of course. She is upset. To be obliged to withdraw from London is insupportable. I see that. May I... ..speak frankly? It seems to me that there is a simple test whether or not a man has married the right woman. The man must ask himself, "This wife of mine, does she increase me or diminish me? "Am I more of a man because of her or less?" Marriage to Victoria has undoubtedly increased me. It continues to increase me. I am infinitely more a man because of her. Good! Then all is well. This will... blow over. My sister is a little difficile at present. That is the strain of the feminine humours. Repeated childbirths. Makes women stupid. Are you suggesting that Victoria's sanity depends on she and I having no more... -children? -No! (GASPS) No, of course not. The disorder of her mind is strictly temporary. (GIGGLES) Not at all like her dear grandpapa's. -NANCY: Will that be all, Your Majesty? -Apparently so. (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) * (BELL RINGS) What day is it today? Remind me. Er, Sunday, Mr Penge. Sunday. And what do we do on a Sunday morning,... wherever we happen to be? We go to church, you bloody heathen! -Yes, Mr Penge. -Yes, Mr Penge! -You're not in Chatsworth now. -Sir... And don't speak while I'm shouting at you! Where were you? Bathing, Mr Penge. -Bathing. -In the sea. (SNIFFS) Do you smell that? That's your goose... ..well and truly cooked. (CLATTERING) Where is, um... I don't know his name. The large fellow. Joseph, Your Grace. He has been dismissed. Whatever for? Skipping church, ma'am. -K! -Good. -S. -Good. V. No, no, no. A little... A little bigger than a V. W! W is correct. So, you are leaving? RUSSELL: We are, sir. Enjoy your dinner with Kossuth. I shall do my best, sir. It is the Queen's command that I should. You weren't going without saying goodbye? Taking French leave? Good heavens no, ma'am. But interestingly, the French call it "partir comme un anglais" - to leave like an Englishman. Your time in office has taught you something. Indeed, ma'am. It has also taught me that when the Queen tells me to do a thing, she probably has a good reason for it. Did you doubt it? I did, ma'am. As you doubted me. I shall see you in London, Lord Palmerston. I hope so, ma'am. And before too long. So the unwelcome guests have departed. -Albert... -A fresh start. I'm going back to London. You can remain here if you wish. FRANCATELLI: Yes, yes, perfect. Thank you very much. That can go. What's that? I'm looking for the steward. Mr Penge? Can I help you, Your Grace? The man - Joseph, is that his name? I gather you have dismissed him. Indeed, Your Grace. He failed... He was performing a service for me. An errand. A trivial thing. But, you see, I am to blame, not the man. What is his name again? Joseph, Your Grace. So it strikes one as unjust that this Joseph should be punished. -Yes, Your Grace. -Good. Well, that's that. Well, well, well. (MEN CHATTER) Gentlemen and guests. We are privileged to welcome Herr Kossuth of Hungary to address us on the character of democracy. Sir. Foreign Secretary, thank you. In the course of an eventful life, I have learned that not all democracies are equally democratic. -Though... -(MEN CHATTER) ..still I have the noble pride of my principles and though I have the inspiration of a just cause... (PEOPLE CHEER) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) The people await their Queen. And she waits to be adored. (CROWD CHEERS) (MUSIC SWELLS) (SIGHS) -One more week. -You'll miss it when it's gone. I shall. It doesn't mean this isn't the right thing to do. What the hell do you think you're doing?! (SIGHS) I'm comforting my wife, Mr Penge. What are you doing? Albert? Albert, let me in, my darling. Albert, please. SONG: # Hallelujah.